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Fools Love

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Kento is checking the time on the black-metal-clock hanging on the wall in front of him for the xth time. It's already past midnight, and Fuma still not coming home. He sips his coffee. It's his second cup since this evening. He knows it's not good for his health, but he needs the coffee to stay awake.

Scripts for his new drama spread on the table in front of him. He's not reading them, it's his alibi. So when Fuma come in through that door, he could use it as a reason why he is drinking coffee in this late of night and stay awake until morning.

He hears a clatter sound of keys and immediately pretend to read the words on the script.

"You still awake?" Fuma asks as he comes in through the door.

Kento looks at him and smiles, "Yeah, I need to learn this script quickly. I don't have much time left since we still have our concerts and stuffs".

"Okay, but don't push yourself too hard"

Fuma glances at the table as he walks pass Kento to the bedroom and stop midway to turn around and take the cup of coffee in front of Kento.

"Coffee is bad for people like you. It keeps you awake, but it doesn't mean your body is not tired. They can't heal your fatigue, Kento. No more coffee for today!" Fuma scolds him, but then he smiles and bow down a little so he can kiss Kento's cheek.

He walks to the kitchen and put down the cup on the sink before he walks back to the bedroom.

"Good night" he says.

"Good night" Kento whispers when Fuma already closed the door.

Kento takes a deep breath. He slumps back to the chair and closes his eyes.

Where were you? Don't lie to me. Because I know exactly where you've been and what you did.

There are words he wanted to say to Fuma, but he doesn't have the courage to say that. Because he knows, you can't take back words that coming out from your mouth. And he is pretty sure he will regret it if he voices it out loud.

Kento touches the cheek where Fuma left his kiss earlier. It feels burning even though the air in the room is so cold.

****

"I don't need dinner. I'm going to stay over at my friend's place tonight" Fuma says.

Kento looks up from his half-finish breakfast, "Which friend?"

He tries his best not to ask him such question, he doesn't want to be that kind of clingy boyfriend, but he really can't help it. He needs to know.

"My course-mate. I don't think you know him even if I tell you his name. We never really talk much actually, but since this semester started I have so many classes with him, and if I want to graduate next year, I really need him as my friend" Fuma says the last sentences with laugh, and that makes Kento smile, if only just a little.

As if he can read the air around his boyfriend, Fuma stops laughing and look at Kento closely. Observing him.

"Is there something I did that upset you?"

A second that taste like eternity stopped Kento's motion as he heard his question.

"What makes you think like that?" he avoids his eyes, and just continue eating.

"You are oddly quiet today, so I wonder am I responsible for this?" Fuma knows Kento is hiding something, because he knows his boyfriend too much. When he lies, Kento never look at his opponent's eyes. And he's been avoiding his eyes since last night.

Did he knows?

"Kento?"

One last plead. And Fuma see him take a quite long and deep breath.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be like this, but this university talk is still kind of heavy".

That's not the truth, Fuma can tell. But he lets it slip this time. Afraid if he forces him to tell the truth, then he has to tell him the whole truth too. The truth he's been hiding all this time.

"I thought you have overcome it... I'm sorry I made you feel like that".

"It's okay" he smiles.

Fuma reaches out to grab Kento's hand across from him. He caresses his hand, and softly he says.

"I don't know if this can help to brighten your mood, but today's breakfast is extravagantly delicious".

Kento smiles wider and say, "Really? Even though it is overcooked and almost burnt?"

"Yes! Overcooked and almost burnt. Exactly my like!"

"You liar!"

There's a hidden accusation there, in the word he means for Fuma, but their moods turned good again, so Kento pretends that it wasn't there, it never exists. And it's always easier like that.

They finished the breakfast and Fuma helped him with washing the dishes. When it's finally the time for Fuma to leave for shooting his new drama, he kisses Kento softly on his lips, and whispering, "I love you".

Then why are you cheating on me?

Kento smiles and waves him goodbye. And when the door closed, the smile fade right away.

On his lips, he still can taste and feel the way Fuma kissed him earlier. It was the same person, the same lips, but it tastes different.

It tastes bitter.

****

"What's wrong with that face?"

A familiar voice brings Kento back to reality. He turns his head a little to look at the owner of that voice. Shigeoka Daiki walks to his direction, but Kento only smiles weakly to him and avoids his eyes.

"I said what's wrong with that face? Is it Fuma again?" he says as he sits on the empty space next to Kento.

Kento stays quiet, he wonders how could Shige knows everything.

"Maybe?" he answers unsurely, and Shige just give him a confused-look.

"I mean, I don't know if it's me or him" he admits, but his vague answer just confuses Shige more.

"Want to tell me the whole story?" Shige offers and Kento sighs.

"Tell me, Shige, am I lacking something?" Kento turns suddenly and look at Shige.

"...I don't know?" Shige answers.

Kento sighs again, "I know it would be useless to ask you".

Shige knows that Kento is seriously asking him about something important just now, but he doesn't know what to answer because to him, he lacks nothing. Instead of saying those words straight to his friend, he makes a little detour to convey what he wants to say.

"Are you worried that Fuma finds you not attractive, that's why you feel like you lack something?"

"More or less..." Kento admits.

Shige fold his arms, put his best thinking-hard-face on, "Hmm... Let me see..."

Kento waits patiently, their faces are serious, but then suddenly Shige smiles widely and say something in funny kansai dialect.

"As far as I can see, you lack nothing but some money!"

Kento's serious face turns into a pout in a second. He hits Shige on the head.

"Stupid. I won't ask you for love advice again!" he folds his arms.

"Well I'm not Kotaki, of course I can't give love advice. Besides, even if I'm a pro in giving love advice, what can I say to the master of romance like you?" he laughs.

Kento rolls his eyes, "you know that's not me. It's just my stage persona".

"I know. But, in all seriousness, I really think that you already have everything except for the money. Maybe if you are a billionaire then Fuma will have his eyes fixed on you only"

"He is not that type of guy! Don't make him into such a bad person!" Kento protests.

"Sorry, sorry. Won't happen again" Shige laughs.

When their laughs start to fade, Kento asks again, "But, do you think I'm boring?"

Shige looks surprised by the question. "What? You? Boring?! You're not! You just need the right string to pull and you can be the most interesting person in the world!"

"Really?" Kento asks him unsurely.

"Yes, I mean it. You just need to relax, you're too stressed. Why don't you try something new to release the stress? Who knows it might solve the anxiety problem in your love life, too?"

This time, it's Kento's turn to look like he is thinking very hard. "Hmm, maybe I should do that. What you'd suggest to me then?" he asks.

Shige shorten their distance to whisper to Kento's ear.

"I suggest you try those things called BDSM play? Like that 50 shades something movie. Who knows maybe your boyfriend is a fan?"

Kento's eyes widen in an instant, he moves back and hit Shige's head again. His face shows he is in disbelief.

"What the heck?! You are gross!" he looks scandalized but he laughs in the same time.

"Thank you. And I take that as a confirmation that you never try such thing. You really should try that then" Shige just laughs louder.

From the end of the corridor, without them knowing, Fuma is watching them.

When he arrived at their usual green room in NHK hall, Fuma only found Shori and Sou. Both told him that Kento went to the coffee machine. But when he finally found him, he saw Kento and Shige. They looked like they're having a serious conversation, but then he saw Shige leaned closer to Kento and whispered something to him. In a second, he could feel a very uncomfortable feeling bloomed in his chest. Then he saw Kento hit Shige's head and they both laughed. Now, he started to feel irritated.

"Nakajima."

Kento turns his body and look at his boyfriend, a few meters away behind him. He smiles widely when he sees Fuma.

"When did you come?" Kento says as he stands to his feet.

"Just now" Fuma answers simply.

Now it’s Shige’s turn to smile weakly. For the thousandth times, he has to look at Kento's back. Watching him smile to Fuma. Envious, but he won't show his true feelings to anyone, because he knows Kento only have love for Fuma.

"Go, your Prince Charming just came to pick you up" he whispers to Kento.

Kento looks back to Shige, his smile this time is really beautiful, but that smile only reserved for Fuma.

"Thanks for your unhelpful advice! Now, I gotta go. See you on stage!" Kento says then he runs a little to Fuma's direction.

Shige watches the couple walk together side by side until they disappear from his sight. He sighs, and notice a cup of coffee near him. It's Kento's coffee. He must be really happy to see Fuma until he forgot about it.

Pathetic coffee, just like me.

He takes the cup, and drink all the liquid left in it. Somehow he can smells Kento's lip-gloss from the cup. It smells strawberry. But it tastes bitter, really bitter.

****

"I'm staying over at Juri's tonight. Don't wait for me."

Kento sighs as he read the message Fuma sent to him. He knows the exact reason why Fuma is staying at Juri's place tonight; because they are hanging out in that place. The same club, with the same friends.

He looks at his phone again, pick it up, and send Fuma a reply, "Okay then, have fun!".

There's a frustration hidden in the message he sent. If they were face to face, Kento sure that he would say it in challenging way, mocking, or whatever unpleasant way that would betray the literal good meaning of those words. But he also knows that he can't. He is too kind, or just stupid. He doesn't know anymore.

Kento lets his phone drop from his hands to the table. His mind is empty. For a second, he thinks to himself he finally understands what oblivion is, but he hushes away that thoughts right before it escalates into something that will trigger unnecessary mental break down.

He glances at the clock on the wall. 6 p.m., too early to go to bed, he thinks. He needs to get out from here. He needs distraction. It's all he can do to grab his keys, go to the car park, and drives away from a home that used to be his safety hideout from the cruel world.

15 minutes later he is already in front of his house, his parents' house.
He takes another deep breath before he enters the house full of his childhood memories.

"Kento? What brings you here, son?" his dad greets him in surprise as soon as he enters the house.

"Nothing special. Just thought that I should visit you since it's been a while" he says with smiles. He knows he can't lie to his parents, but even if his parents can see through his lies, they never confront him unless he brings the topic up himself.

"Have you eaten dinner yet, honey?" his mom coming from the kitchen and says.

"No, I haven't" Kento replies.

"Perfect. Now wash your hand and have dinner with us" she says.

 

Kento helps his mother bring all the dishes to the kitchen to wash. His father is in the living room watching a soccer match on TV. If he wants to say something, he thinks, it's the perfect time for it.

So, as he helps his mother wipe the plates she washed and put them back to the counter, he chats about many random things with his mother, trying to find the right time to say it to her. But she is his mother, she knows all those things said to her are not what her son wants to tell her. When they finish with the dishes, she tells him to sit on the dining table again, and she prepares them tea before she finally asks.

"Do you wanna tell me what makes you came here seeking refuge?"

Kento smiles, he knows that he can't hide anything from his mother. He should have just say it from the beginning, no need for those random talks.

"What if you're right and I'm wrong?" he finally says.

"About you and Fuma?" his mother asks again.

"Yes" he nods.

"Well, do you think there's right and wrong in your relationship with him?" she starts before she continues, "I warned you, but I didn't say you are wrong".

"But, I start to think that I made the biggest mistake in my life, mom" Kento says.

"Listen, hun. I always believe that there's no such a thing like right or wrong in love. Sure we all make mistakes, but love is love, if we fall for the wrong person, it doesn’t mean we are wrong to love them. I admit, love needs effort. If in the end it doesn’t work, it’s not the love’s fault. It’s not anyone’s faults. But I know you, and I know Fuma. I can see that you really love each other. There’s no mistake in it." his mother explains.

"If we really love each other, then why I feel like I'm alone in this feeling? I tried my best to make this relationship work, mom. When you asked me if I was sure with my decision to date him, I said I'm sure, I trusted him. But lately, I don't know anymore. I guess I was overconfident with us"

"Sometimes, your best is not your right. You did your best, I know that, but maybe your best is not the right thing to do. Try to see from his side too, you can’t see the whole truth if you only see it with one eye".

Kento is silent. He wonders, what will his mother say if she knows that Fuma is cheating on him, and not just this time. He did this once before.

“I don’t know what happened with you and Fuma. I have a guess, but I’m not gonna say it unless you tell me yourself. But, this much, I can tell you. You always overthink everything. Maybe you should step back a little, learn to love yourself from the beginning again, that way maybe you can finally understand what you should do to make your relationship work” she says, and Kento realizes that his mother is right in away.
“And I hope, it doesn’t sound like I want you to leave him, but you know, you can always come back here if it’s not working. It’s still your home after all, and we are your parents, we will never turn our back from you” she smiles before she sips her tea.
Kento smiles too. His problem is still there, but talking with his mother helps him to clear his mind a bit. He sips his tea, they let silence taking over their conversation for a moment before he finally says, “Mom, I still want to try, but can I stay here for the night?”.
His mother chuckles, “Of course! I told you, it’s still your home”.

****

“Morning!” Kento says to the occupants of the room and 4 pairs of eyes immediately turn to look at him.

“Morning, Kento-kun!” says Marius cheerfully.

“Where were you? I came home this morning, and you weren’t there” Fuma says worriedly as he walks closer to Kento. And from the side of his eyes, Kento can see the other 3 looking at them in a mild worry.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I went home last night and forgot my charger at home” he tries to explain, but Fuma still looks like he doesn’t understand.

“I mean, my parents’ house and I forgot my charger at our apartment and my phone is dead since last night” he smiles apologetically.

“You could at least call me from your house, or send me a message before you go” Fuma sighs.

Kento walks to the empty coach and drop his bag on the table, Fuma follows him to the coach. “I thought you would stay at Juri’s place longer. You usually come to work from his place whenever you stay over at his place”.

“No, I’m worried about you, so I came home with taxi this morning. I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer”

“I’m sorry” Kento says again, his heart feels a bit guilty but also warm when he hears that Fuma is worried about him.

“Have you eaten breakfast yet? My mom packed me some breakfast enough to feed 5 people” he smiles, and at the mention of food, the other 3 that acted like they weren’t there when Fuma talked to Kento earlier, now smiles and gathered around Kento as well.

Maybe, he thinks, his mother is right after all. He overthinks everything. Fuma loves him. He made mistakes, but that’s because he’s human, and even though it’s hurt, Kento knows he will always forgive him.

Chapter Text

“Where are you going?” Fuma asks Kento when he wakes up and see his boyfriend already in his jacket and looking too good to just stay at home.

“Um, I promised Shige to accompany him buying clothes today. I made you breakfast, or lunch, since it’s almost noon. I’ll come back after dinner. Bye, Fumatan!” Kento says as he gathers his belongings and put it inside his bag. He kisses Fuma on the lips before he finally leaves.

They are just friends

Fuma tries to hush away the annoying feeling he feels whenever he hears Kento mentioning Shige’s name. But it’s hard to do that because he can see that Shige has feelings for Kento. He usually ignores this, but recently he can see that Shige is actually stepping up his game, and he sometimes look at Fuma like he’s saying that he’s going to take Kento from him anytime he would.

It’s time to get up, he thinks. He has drama filming for today, but it starts at afternoon so he better get up now because if he overslept, there’s no Kento to wake him up again. He washes his face before he goes to the kitchen to eat his brunch. Kento made him salad and sandwiches.

Suddenly, his phone buzzed. It’s a message from her. From the window appear on his phone screen, he can read what she sent. She asks when and where they can meet again. Fuma is considering his options. His schedule is tight as usual, he can’t see any free night where he can go out with Juri and the others. So he grabs his phone, type as he chews the sandwich his boyfriend made for him, ‘I can’t for now, my schedule is tight. I’ll tell you later if I get some free time next week’.

Fuma knows what he did is wrong. He knows that Kento doesn’t deserve this. But he can’t stop seeing that girl. Even though he also realizes that Kento is not stupid, that Kento already see through his lies. But still, he can’t stop.

He tries to remember how it all started, and his brain take him to the memories from 2 years ago. He was casted in a drama where he met a girl he knew from when they were younger. Kento knows her too, because they were all once casted in that drama from years ago when they were still a fresh Jrs. Kento acted together with her once in 2011, but he is not close with her. Unlike Fuma, who met her again 2 years ago. They immediately became friends, and somehow things started to go wrong since then.

Fuma heard people say that there’s no word ‘just friend’ between man and woman, and he proved it himself when his friendship with that girl turned into something more romantic. Although he was already together with Kento at that time, that didn’t stop him from seeing that girl. Until one day, a few pictures leaked, and even though it didn’t cause them any meaningful trouble, they decided to end their relationship. The main reason why he ended it was because of Kento. He pleaded to Kento to never leave him the same night he broke up with that girl. He promised that he would never do that again, and Kento, with his love and kindness, just smiled and hugged Fuma, saying that he forgave him.

But, even with thousand promises, Fuma still found himself in the same situation again right now. This new girl, he met her through friends in this industry. They soon attracted to each other because turned out they have so many same likings. And Fuma been meeting her regularly under the pretense of meeting another friend with his friend; Juri and the others. Of course, Juri doesn’t know about this hidden relationship, and Fuma is sure if he knew he won’t let Fuma mess up with life like this. But, even though he can fool Juri and the others, he can’t fool Kento.

Kento been looking at him with this suffocating look in his eyes lately, and Fuma often find his boyfriend staring into nothing but eyes clearly screaming and self-loathing himself, even though he is clearly do nothing wrong in this scenario. It hurts to see him like that, but no matter how hurt he look, Fuma can’t make himself stop. He wonders if he has some mental sickness or something.

He even considering meeting professionals to solve his problems. Because he clearly can see and feel that he loves Kento, but he also desires the girl. He knows the girl is not serious with him, and he knows he is basically killing Kento day by day with his lies, but still he can’t stop even though it’s clear to him that he should leave the girl and stop himself from ripping his lover’s heart apart.

His phone buzzed again and he’s back to the reality. The girl sent him a simple ‘OK’ to his earlier message. He puts his phone down, and go to the bathroom, deciding a cold shower will make him more awake and clear his head.

 

****

 

“We keep making promises about shopping together for years since I came to Tokyo. And now that we finally fulfilled the promise, I don’t know what else we should do” Shige laughs.

They are in a family restaurant, sitting in the most hidden seats they could find. They strolled around the city looking for clothes and just enjoy the time they rarely have to relax and be themselves until Shige decided that he is hungry and drag Kento to the nearest restaurant at 3 p.m.

“Yeah, I know, we’ve been planning so many things, but when we finally on it we don’t know what to do” Kento laughs too. “Should we go and see around again?”

“Nah, I’m tired. What about we go to Rainbow Bridge, next? You can teach me how youngsters in Tokyo spend their weekend there!” Shige suggests.

“That’s a terrible idea. Fans will gather in a matter of second and our ‘free day’ will officially over then” Kento says.

“Then what you would suggest? I’ve been living in Tokyo for a few years, but I never get to know how people in Tokyo enjoy themselves.”

“Hmm, it’s hard since we both can’t be seen in public without making it into a problem. We don’t have guards with us” Kento says and he stays silent for a few second before he says again, “What about a movie?”.

“What? That’s your best idea?” Shige mocks him and laughs.

“Well, we still can enjoy ourselves there without attracting people’s attentions” Kento says.

“But we have cinemas in Osaka too! The purpose of today’s meeting is to let me finally learn how people in Tokyo live!” Shige complains.

“Oh, come on! You can sulk, and I will leave you, or you can get up now, and go to the cinema with me. Your choice” Kento says.

“You are the worst guide ever! But okay, let’s go watch some movies” Shige says.

Actually, Kento can suggest anything and Shige knows he will follow him everywhere, but it’s not fun if he just agree to whatever Kento said to him, because that way, his attempt to conceal what he feels for Kento will be ruined.

Shige knows since long time ago that he has a crush on this weird Jr. from Tokyo. But only after he debuted with Johnny’s WEST and moved to Tokyo that he realized that his feeling is no longer in the ‘crush’ zone. But, by the time he realized his feelings, he learned that Kento and Fuma are together, and they’ve been officially together even before their debut with Sexy Zone. There’s no place for Shige in Kento’s heart, he knows that, but Kento considers him as one of his very few real friends, so Shige told himself that if it’s all he could get, then he would just accept his fate and stay near Kento as his friend.

But sometimes, it’s hard to act his part when Kento coming to him asking if he lacks something. He knows Kento loves Fuma, but he also knows that Kento been questioning his relationship with Fuma for years.

It’s started 2 years ago, when pictures of Fuma and a girl they knew leaked on internet. Before Shige found out about Fuma and his then secret girlfriend, Kento already knew about them, but he never said anything, instead he asked Shige random questions about himself. Most questions were screaming his insecurities and Shige couldn’t understand where this insecurities came from, until one day he heard about Fuma and those photos. He remember he never felt so hurt in his life. He is hurt because Fuma got the thing he wants the most in the world, but he breaks that precious thing in pieces with his bare hands.

Since then, he can’t stop thinking about taking Kento away from Fuma. But, no matter how much he tries to be there, Kento still think of him as his friend, nothing more. Shige knows it may take longer for him to make Kento realize that he deserves someone better than Fuma, he honestly thinks he can do better, but for now, he will just stay by his side, trying to be the best friend he ever has, and hoping that one day, he can be more than that.

 

****

 

Fuma comes out from the shower and find Kento still in his exact position when he came home 30 minutes ago; on the couch, snuggling with Bonita while watching variety show on TV. He stops for a moment and observing his boyfriend. He realizes it's been a while since the last time he really looks at him, and he notices that some things had changed from the older boy. Some things can be put into words, like how he notices that Kento been losing some weight despite having midnight snacks almost every day, but some other things are not easy to be put on words. He thinks to himself, maybe it's his fault for noticing these changes just now, because as he said before, it's been a while since he really looks at his boyfriend.

He still doesn't know what it is, but he feels like despite the tiredness that can be seen clearly from his entire body, Kento looks positively stunning, like he develops a new aura around him. Fuma doesn't know what it is, but it intrigues him and it makes him walk closer to the couch, climbing on top of Kento, and shooing Bonita away while doing it.
Kento smiles when Fuma climbs on top of him, "You're blocking the TV. And poor Bonita, she done nothing wrong to deserve that kind of treatment".

"She deserves it, because she knows I don't really like sharing my boyfriend with her," Fuma says while playing with Kento's hair.

Kento just chuckles. He turns off the TV and throw the remote to the table near them before he looks at Fuma and says, "How is your day?".

"Stressful. I mean, the casts and staffs are so nice and fun, but that doesn't make it stress-free to film this drama" Fuma says to Kento.

"It's okay. I know you can pull it through" Kento smiles and stroke Fuma's cheek with his right hand.

"Yeah," Fuma replies simply before he leans down to kiss Kento.

Fuma kisses him lightly, and he strangely feels safe when he kisses Kento like this. Kento tastes like home, and Fuma doesn't need permission when he gradually deepen their kiss, licking and nibbling Kento's lip. Kento opens his mouth and Fuma slips his tongue immediately. The older one lets out a small moan when his tongue meets Fuma's.

They break the kiss to fill their lungs with oxygen. When Kento's eyes meet Fuma's, he sees his pupils have grown darker. "Aren't you tired?" Kento asks him.

"I am. But I miss you," Fuma answers him right away.

Kento pushes Fuma so he is forced into a sitting position. The younger one looks confused at first, but not for too long, because then Kento stands up and tug him along to the bedroom. He closes the door when they both in it, to make sure Bonita won't interrupt them. His fingers still linked with Fuma's, and he leads the younger boy to the bed, pushing him down to the pile of pillows, before he climbs on top of him and kiss his lips. Kento doesn't need reservation either to turn his kiss into a more passionate one.

"You know beds are always more comfortable than couches," Kento whispers directly to Fuma's ears in a husky voice.
Fuma chuckles and say, "I miss you".

His words make Kento smiles widely, and he sees no lies in his next words, "I miss you, too. I really do".

Fuma plays with Kento's hair again before he caress his cheek gently and say, "It feels weird how we practically live together, basically see each other everyday, but I still feel like it's been a long time since the last time we see each other".

A weird emotion flashing through Kento's eyes when he heard what Fuma said, but it is just for a moment, so Fuma doesn't have time to translate what it is. But maybe he doesn't need to, because Kento's next words successfully take him off guard and giving him a little shard of what that emotion entailed.

"You have no idea how much I miss you, and how much I feel so alone even when you're near me" Kento says quietly, as if afraid Fuma would be mad at him for saying what's on his mind.

Guilt suddenly taking over Fuma’s whole emotion. Now it's him that pushing Kento's shoulders so he can sit and talk to him properly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like that".

"I know," Kento says, still in a quiet voice. After a few silent seconds he continues, "I know you didn't mean to make me feel like that. And I know your friends mean so much to you, and I really am trying to understand that my boyfriend is the biggest social butterfly I ever knew... but sometimes... sometimes I wish that just me is enough for you".

Please, leave her... Just stay with me... Please.

Fuma doesn't know what to answer except for another apology, so he says it again and again, "I'm sorry".

"No, I am sorry" Kento shakes his head, and he continues, "I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I guess I'm just tired, that's why I'm talking nonsense".

Fuma shakes his head, "No, it's your feelings so it's not nonsense. And what we say about being honest with our feelings? I don't want to fight with you like we did years ago. If you wanna say something, say it".

"No, really, it's nothing" Kento says.

But Fuma won't let it slide, "Kento".

The problem is Kento is afraid he might really fight with Fuma if he confronts him about that girl. He feels stupid for feeling like this, and he doesn't need a fight to feel more stupid than he really is. Because, he cheats or not, it's Kento's decision to stay with Fuma. He is positive he loves Fuma more than that girl, and he won't let himself lose Fuma because of her.

Fuma still looking straight to Kento's eyes. He can hear his heart beating so uncomfortably fast and loud. Maybe he just crosses a line he never wants to cross, he thinks. But on the other hand, he wants to make Kento feel safe. He has so many insecurities, and Fuma hates it when these insecurities eating him day by day. He admits, it's funny and confusing at the same time, because he wants to erase those insecurities when he actually the one who growing them there. But he knows that at this moment all he wants is just to erase them away, even for just one night.

When Kento finally gathered his courage, he thinks to himself, maybe a little truth won't destroy them. "I wish to spend more time with you. But it seems so impossible because everytime you got free time, you spent it with Juri and the others. I don't want to take you away from your friends, but it's like I'm the only one who tries so hard to make this relationship works".

"I'm sorry" Fuma says. After a few seconds he says again, "I don't know you feel like that about this relationship. I know I’m a bad boyfriend…. Is there anything I could do to make you feel better?"

Kento considers his options. He can tell the truth, telling him to leave the girl and destroy his own relationship with Fuma because he is sure it would lead them to a fight, or just tell him to stay without telling him why he wants him to stay.

The second option sounds better to him. "Stay with me. It's enough for me as long as you stay with me".

Fuma looks into Kento's eyes, and he still sees insecurities, so he pull him to his arm and hug him tightly. "I promise I will spend more time with you from now on".

Don't make promise you can't keep.

Kento hides his face on Fuma's neck before he whispers, "Thank you". Then he adds shyly, "And sorry for ruining the mood, too".

Fuma smiles and shake his head. "It's okay, we can get it back anytime"

They pull away and look at each other eyes, and Fuma still sees insecurities left in Kento's eyes. He wants to erase them, so he does the thing he knows will make them go away.

He kisses him gently, carefully but without any hesitation. He kisses him like he is the most delicate and precious thing ever live in this world.

Kento melts right away to the kiss. His hands rest on Fuma's shoulders, while Fuma's hand settles on his nape, with his thumb caressing the back of his hair. They break the kiss to look at each other again.

“If you wanna sleep now, it’s the right time to stop, because if we continue, I won’t let you sleep without getting what I want first” Fuma says with his naughty but handsome smile.

Kento just chuckles, “I’m not lying when I said I miss you, so go ahead. How do you want me?”

Fuma’s smile turns into a full out grin in a matter of second, and he kisses Kento again while maneuvering Kento to climb on top of him while he lay back to his earlier position.

In the next minutes, Fuma tosses Kento’s shirt to the floor, and help himself get out from his shirt because Kento can’t seem able to do anything but devouring Fuma’s lips. When he has to really pull away and get up to get out from his shirt, Kento whines, and it reminds Fuma of Bonita earlier when he pushed her from the couch. He can’t help his chuckles.

“Slow down, we got all the night,” Fuma reminds Kento, because they indeed have all the night together. None of them have to go early tomorrow.

But his kind reminder just make his boyfriend pout even more. So Fuma kisses him again on the lips after he throw his shirt to join Kento’s on the floor. After a while, he feels that this sitting position become a little bit uncomfortable because Kento been kissing him with force until he has to hold himself straight to not give in to Kento’s force. And an idea popping out in his head. Slowly, he is taking over the kiss, and he pushes Kento back until his body meets the mattress.

Fuma keeps kissing Kento while his clever fingers go down until he find Kento’s trunks. He slips his hand under the fabrics to touch Kento where he wants the most. When he grabs it, Kento’s cock already half hard and Fuma strokes him lightly, teasing him. Kento broke the kiss to moan, and Fuma feels a hot air puff near his left ear as Kento lets out a moan near that ear.

After a few strokes, Fuma gets Kento out from his trunks as well so he is now naked and he stares at his boyfriend, totally under his mercy with just a few strokes on his cock.

Feeling too exposed like that, Kento whimpers, and he grabs Fuma’s trunks, demanding equality. But, instead of get himself out from his trunks, Fuma leans down to kiss Kento’s neck. Then he moves down to his nipple. Kiss one with a lot of tongues until it got wet and hard. He did the same to the other one, but not for too long, because now he moves even further down to his stomach. He circles Kento’s navel with his tongue before going even further down again.

Each pleasures Fuma gives to him made Kento losing all sanity faster than a glass of wine can do to him. Then Fuma’s hand grabs his erection, and he feels a wet and hot tongue licking his tip, and he swear to god he could just come like that.

Kento is so impatient tonight, the moment Fuma’s tongue touch his tip, Kento jerks and thrust to his lips, wanting for more than just a teasing hot wet tongues on his tip. So Fuma thinks he should not play too much if he doesn’t want his boyfriend sulk and stop this now.

Fuma holds Kento’s base with his hand and when he finally have Kento’s cock in his mouth, Kento’s moans are getting louder than before. Fuma uses his tongues to give pleasures to Kento, but after he start to seriously suck him, Kento’s cries out a loud moan, and he pushes Fuma’s shoulders, signaling him to stop. “Stop! I can’t---”.

With his warning, Fuma finally let go of his cock, and Kento whimpers a bit when the hotness is gone from around him. Fuma climbs up on top of him and kiss him on his lips for a moment before he finally gets out from the rest of his clothes. He opens a drawer beside their bed, grabs a bottle of lube and a condom.

Fuma didn’t wait longer, after he got his hands lubed thoroughly, he proceeds with preparing Kento. His boyfriend is already hyper-sensitive after his not so little ministration, he moans with every moves Fuma made with his fingers inside him.

Kento afraids it’s gonna over before it even starts, so he grabs Fuma’s hand after only 2 fingers. “It’s enough” he says.

“No, it’s not” Fuma says as he enters the third fingers.

With three fingers inside him, it finally becomes hard for Kento to hold on. But Fuma won’t listen to his whines. Instead he continue scissoring him with his fingers.

“Fuma! Please, it’s enough” he says, but before Kento can say anything else, Fuma intentionally touch that part that makes Kento cries even louder and now he is shaking like a leaf.

Then Kento feels Fuma’s fingers gone from inside him in a blink. He feels somehow empty, but not for long, because now Fuma is positioning himself in front of his entrance.

Kento doesn’t even see when did Fuma put the condom, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is if Fuma doesn’t have his way with Kento right now, Kento might actually go insane in real.

Thankfully, Fuma slowly pushes inside him. And it only takes him one swift motion to finally bottomed out. Kento already on the edge, and he isn’t sure he can wait any longer if Fuma didn’t move now. But Fuma can read him like an open book, so he doesn’t need to say anything.

Fuma thrust into him without any inhibition, and he is quick to build a good rhythm that brings Kento even closer to his release. After a few thrust it becomes unbearable for Fuma too, and he searches for Kento’s lips to move him closer to the edge too.

When Fuma kissed him, the pleasure becomes double for Kento to take, and Fuma only manages to stroke him once before he finally comes with a quite loud moans.

With Kento’s cock pulsing in his palm, and the tightness that suddenly intensified, Fuma comes and he keeps fucking Kento through his release.

After they can calm their panting a bit, Fuma pulls out from inside Kento. He takes off the condom and throw it to the dustbin. Then he grabs Kento’s arm and pulls him into his arms.

“I love you” Fuma whispers to Kento. And Kento just snuggles more into Fuma, kissing his chest, the only part of his boyfriend body that he can reach in that position before he says, “I love you, too”.

Chapter Text

“Something good just happened” Shige says the moment Kento arrived at their meeting point.

What his friend said got him freeze in his motion. “What makes you think so?” Kento asks.

“Well, I don’t mean to be rude to blind people, but only them can’t see from 1000 meter far that you look so happy today,” Shige says again.

Kento just shakes his head and finally move again to claim the empty chair in front of his friend.

“It must be Fuma, right?” Shige asks even before Kento manage to put his bag beside him.

“Seriously. How can you always know about this thing? I really don’t understand how can you understand my mood so much like that?” Kento asks.

Shige rolls his eyes, “Come on, your face is like an open book. It’s really easy to tell whether you’re happy or not”. Before Kento says anything back, Shige continue, “So? What happen now? Did you do that thing I suggested to you the other day?”

“Of course not!” Kento looks shocked, but he continues, “But I kinda sort things out with him. I guess it won’t hurt to say my relationship is no longer in danger at this point”.

Shige just make a noncommittal sound to that. He cannot let his emotion ruling him, but it’s so hard to say something that won’t sound like he is unhappy with that news. It’s already so hard to let a smile slip from his face.

Thankfully, Kento changes the topic. “By the way, I can’t go out with you tonight”.

“What?” Shige tries to look shocked. “But you promised me you will take me out to see a nightlife in Tokyo months ago!”

“I know! But I’m so sorry, something came up so I really can’t go with you tonight”

Kento didn’t say that he is cancelling his plan with Shige for Fuma, but Shige knows it anyway. Because what other reason he has beside Fuma?

“You are no fun! I should have just ask Marius to take me out. I bet he secretly knows all the good places to drink cocktails in Tokyo” Shige says and pout.

“Don’t you dare taking my group baby out for a drink! He is still minor, even though I understand he completely look legal now, but he is still 16!” Kento laughs.

“Well if you cancel on me next time, I will surely call him to take me out” Shige says, still in his pout.

“Is that a threat?” Kento asks. Shige shrugs and grins.

“I better make sure I won’t cancel our next plan, then” Kento sighs, shake his head, and then he laughs, and that makes Shige laughs too.

 

****

 

“Kento-kun!” Marius shouts from behind.

From all of people he could meet after his conversation with Shige, of course God says it should be Marius. Kento smiles a little. “Hey! Are you coming from school?” Kento asks.

“Yes, it’s really tiring this morning because we got PE class you know. I just glad we already finished our tour, because I don’t think I have enough energy to do more exercise today. And on top of everything I still have assignments to do, so I don’t know how can I manage it if we still have the tour,” Marius sighs.

“I wish I can give you some advice, but I myself is falling behind right now, so I’m sorry I can’t be any help to you” Kento says regretfully.

Slightly Marius looks panic because he afraids he might have said something terrible to Kento. He suddenly stopped and say, “I-I’m so sorry Kento-kun! I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay, Mari” Kento laughs. “It’s not a big deal, I will graduate eventually next year. It’s my decision to take those jobs, and if I’m now falling behind in classes, it’s not really a surprise” Kento says, and he takes Marius arm and link his arm with Marius’. They continue walking like that until they reach their greenroom for today’s photoshoot.

“Now go and disturb those two” Kento says to Marius before he lets go of his arm and make his way to the couch and sit next to Fuma.

“Where were you?” Fuma asks without looking up from the game he plays on his phone.

“Just meeting up with Shige at the cafe downstairs” Kento says simply. “I got your red velvet” He continues.

“Thanks” Fuma says, and he puts down his phone to eat the cake.

“Tonight is your turn to make dinner, what you gonna make?” Kento says while rummaging the inside of his bag, searching for his script.

Fuma stops chewing his cake and he clears his throat before he speaks, “About that, can I go meet my friends tonight?”

Kento stops and looks up to meet Fuma’s eyes, “I thought you stop going out with Juri and the others.”

“Yeah, but my high school friends been begging me to meet up with them for months” Fuma says, deliberately avoiding Kento’s eyes, before he adds “Can I go?”

Kento knows Fuma is lying. Again. “Sure, it’s been a while since you meet them after all”.

“Thanks! You’re the best!” Fuma says, and he takes another spoon of his cake.

Reluctantly Kento reach for the script in his bag and pretending to read them.

I’m just the best when I let you destroying us.

 

***

 

Kento knows what he did will only hurt him, but the thought of what consequences awaits him could not stop him from doing what he is doing right now.

He met the girl this afternoon, right after he finished the photoshoot with his bandmates. The girl called Fuma by his surname, but the way she looked at Fuma is like she is stripping him naked, and Kento averted his gaze right away, not ready to read what else those eyes will tell him just by the way she is looking at his boyfriend. Fuma acted so natural when he met her to the point that making Kento sick and wanted to go throwing up right at the spot between them. He ended up giving the girl a stiff smile before he went to the car and leaving Fuma talking with the girl for a bit more.

He considered to ask the driver to drive him to his parents’ house because all suddenly it’s hard for him to breathe with Fuma near him. But turned out, he didn’t have to, because a minute later his boyfriend showed up at the car park and said to their driver to go without him, because he is heading somewhere else to meet with ‘friends’. Fuma gave him a smile, and Kento gathered the last strength he had at that moment to smile and say “Have fun!” to him.

But it was an hour ago. Kento been trying his best to keep his mind occupied and forget the fact that his boyfriend is somewhere, waiting for that girl to finish her job so they can go to the girl’s place, or hotel maybe.

He sighs. The more he listens to the clock ticking in this fucking suffocating apartment that once was the safest place for him in the world, the more he feels that he is dying, and going insane.

Kento can hear the last ticking sound of the clock before it shows that it’s already 9.45. He knows where Fuma is, and he knows that girl is probably finished with her work by now. When he finally grabs the car key, Kento knows it’s already too late. He is losing his mind.

That’s how Kento ended up in the parking lot somewhere in Tokyo, where the club that Fuma always visits to meet the girl is located. He knows the club because when Juri first asked Fuma to go with him, he asked Kento too. Kento doesn’t really like this kind of place, so he refused Juri’s offer, but he told Fuma to go, because Juri is his best friend. If only he knew it would all turn like this, he would never, in the name of God, let his boyfriend go.

The first time he realized Fuma is cheating on him again was when Fuma lied to him and said that he met with Juri and Shin at that club. Kento knows it was a lie because he saw Juri and Shin at a restaurant near their agency building right after Fuma said he is going to stay at ‘their place’.

He wonders now, how stupid he can be for deciding to act normal the next day Fuma came home and making him the breakfast like he always do, after he spent the night crying on his pillow. But he reasoned he loves Fuma so much, and he knows Fuma loves him too, so it’s okay for Fuma to make that mistake. But when he smelled a woman’s perfume on his boyfriend’s clothes a few weeks later when he came home at 4 in the morning, he knows it’s not because of love, it was more because Kento is afraid Fuma is going to leave him, and he knows he can’t go from him. He doesn’t know how to live without Fuma, his life revolves around him after all.

He is a fool, he knows.

The clock on his phone is showing 11.25 now, and Kento almost wants to give up and he actually thinking about going back before it’s too late, before he do something he might regret. But then he heard footsteps echoes in the empty parking lot. He immediately stops in his motion so they won’t discover him even though his car’s windows are tinted so black to protect him from prying eyes outside. From the opposite corner where he parked his car, he can see Fuma walking side by side with the girl. The girl laughs and says something to him, but Fuma is just smiling, looking like he is not really interested with whatever the girl saying.

Before he can think, Kento grabs his phone and dial Fuma’s number. He sees Fuma stops in his motion to reach for his phone in his pocket. Fuma looks at the caller ID, but he just stand there looking at his screen, his face is unreadable. Kento can feel the agony of watching his boyfriend ignoring his call eating him alive inside out. The ring from the phone stop. Kento still has the phone on his right ear when he sees Fuma clicking something on his phone and put it inside his pocket again before following the girl inside the black car behind him. The car leaves, and Kento dial the number again, but he went straight to voicemail. Fuma has turned his phone off.

 

***

 

Shige jolts and wakes up when he realizes the sound of Kento’s voice calling his name is not a dream. He looks at the clock on his nightstand, it shows 1.13. He gets up from the bed and goes for the door. When he opens it, he is face to face with red-faced Kento with tears stains on his cheeks. Before he can ask what happen though, Kento already hug him tightly. And it was all he can do to close the door and hug him back.

They hug behind the closed door, and Shige lets Kento cry silently on his shoulder. He doesn’t know how long, but they stand there for maybe no less than 5 minutes before Shige finally can feel that Kento is calming down.

“Come” he says, and he takes Kento’s hand to guide to him to sit on the couch.

Once Kento sits on the couch, Shige stands up again and walks to the direction of the kitchen. He takes a bottle of mineral water from his refrigerator, he walks back, and he shoves it to Kento who gives him a weak and small smile as a thank you.

“Want to tell me why you coming here at 1 a.m just to cry on my shoulder?” Shige asks after he watch Kento gulps down half of the water in the bottle.

There’s no answer for a moment before Kento says weakly “I’m a fool, Shige,” his gaze fixated on the bottle in his hands.

“It’s about Fuma, right?” Shige asks carefully, before he adds, “What happened?”

Kento is silent, and Shige afraid he might just cross a line here, but before he can say an apology, Kento speaks again, “He cheats on me… For the second time.”

Honestly, Shige is so lost right now, he doesn’t know what to react to that. Actually he knows what he wants to do, he wants to punch Fuma so badly, or shaking Kento and make him wake up from all this bullshit he calls relationship. But in the end he just say, “I’m sorry.”

Silence engulf them for quite a long time. Kento just sitting there, looking so lost in his own mind, and Shige waits patiently beside him, waiting for him to say something.

When Kento doesn’t seem he wants to speak anymore, Shige sighs deeply. And he says, “Kento, I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know you’re hurt so much right now. And it’s not my place to butt in like this, but do you really think he is the one for you?”

What Shige says successfully get Kento’s attention. He looks at Shige. He averts his gaze a few times before he finally resigns and says while looking at the bottle in his hands again, “I don’t know, Shige… I don’t know.”

Kento stays with his silence, and Shige thinks if it will cost him their friendship, then let it be. As long as he can get Kento out from this mess, as long as he can make Kento see that Fuma is not the one for him, he is ready to do anything. Including confessing his feelings to him.

“You know about my feeling for you,” Shige says, more as a statement than a question.

“You know I love you, right?” he continues.

Now Kento looks troubled. His eyes showing that he is struggling to say something back to Shige. To turn him down. But since the beginning Shige knows there’s no hope for him, so before Kento can say anything that will surely hurt him, he takes Kento’s hand, hold it in his hands. With that gesture, Kento finally looks up to meet Shige eyes.

“I’m sorry, Shi-” before Kento can finish his word, Shige already cut him.

“Listen. I’m not confessing to you right now. And I’m not going to confess to you in the future either. Because I know you know about my feelings,” Shige stops for a moment. He looks at the hand in his hands.

“I love you, that’s why it hurts me to see you hurt like this. You’ve been dying for years, Kento. And you don’t even realize that.” Silence for a moment before Shige looks at Kento’s eyes and says.

“Leave him.”

Shige’s words are so clear. There’s no way Kento could misheard him. But leaving Fuma is not a way out for Kento. Fuma is his lifeline. Leaving him means death for Kento.

“But you know it’s not possible for me. My life revolves around him. He is literally my lifeline, Shige,” Kento tries to reason him why he can’t leave Fuma.

“That’s not how I see it. He is not your lifeline. He is the one who’s choking you with the line, Kento. He is not saving you. He drags you further to destruction, and it’s time for you to call it quit.” Shige says.

What Shige said hits deep. If he is honest with himself, Kento knows that this relationship is toxic for him, but he really doesn’t want to let go of Fuma, that’s why he stays. He pretends nothing is wrong between them. But now someone finally said it right to his face, he doesn’t think he can pretend anymore.

As if he can read Kento’s mind, Shige says again, “Leave him, Kento. That’s the best thing you should do to save yourself.”

Shige’s right, and Kento knows that. A tear slips from his eyes without his consent, and then follows with another. Seeing the tears coming out from Kento’s eyes, Shige feels like he would cry as well. But he holds himself. Instead of crying, he takes Kento to his arms. Hugging him, hiding him from the world so he could let the tears come freely.

 

When Kento opens his eyes, he is snuggling on the couch with blanket covering him from the cold. He sits up and looks around. He remembers last night. What he saw, why he cried, and the conversation between him and Shige. Everything.

With one look, he can tell there’s no one in Shige’s apartment. He is alone there. But then his eyes caught a letter on the table in front of him.

Good morning,

I have a filming today, and unfortunately I won’t be back until late night. I made you breakfast, and if you need to borrow some clothes, just take anything you like. If you decide to go home, please text me. I left the key on the kitchen table, just take the key with you and give it to me when we meet next time.

About last night, I hope you will consider it seriously. Because I don’t want to see you hurt anymore.

Kento feels like he can cry again just by reading Shige’s letter. He knows Shige has feelings beyond friendship for him. But he can see Shige is suppressing his feelings, that’s why Kento acted like he didn’t realize it for the sake of their friendship. But after last night, they can’t pretend anymore. Kento can’t pretend that he is not hurting Shige with all the stories about his relationship with Fuma anymore.

He decides to get up instead of crying. He had enough crying for a year in just one night. He can see the two onigiris on the small dining table across the small room. When he finally stands up and walks to the table, he looks at the clock on the wall. It’s already 10.30, and he is sure Fuma must be at the location to shoot his drama already. As if he knows that Kento is thinking about him, his phone’s buzzing, and Kento doesn’t even need to check his phone to see that the call is from Fuma.

Kento eats the onigiris Shige made slowly while listening to his phone buzzes again on the table in front of the couch.

Let him know how it feels like to be ignored. The voice inside him says.

When he finish eating, he drinks a glass of water, then wash the plate and glass he used. He walks back to the coach, fold the blanket he used earlier and then just sits there looking at his phone on the table. There’s 21 missed calls, and 8 unread messages. It was all from Fuma, who else.

After a few minutes passed, Kento finally takes his phone from the table and open the LINE app to see what Fuma sent.

 

05:51
I just came back. Are you at your parents’ house again?

06:45
Hey, I’m leaving for filming now. Call me when you wake up.

09:13
Kento, it’s not funny. I just called your parents, and they said you’re not there.
Answer my calls, please? Tell me where are you?

10:34
Kento, please I beg you, please answer my call…
Where are you?

10:35
Did something happened last night? Is that why you called me?

10:43
Kento, please it’s not funny at all!

 

When he finished read the messages, and stare at the chat room, suddenly a new message came in. Fuma must have seen that Kento already read his messages.

 

11:51
Kento?

 

And even before he can think about whether he should reply him or not, Fuma calls him. Kento freezes for a moment, he doesn’t want to speak with Fuma now, but he is not sure if not answering is the right thing to do. He hasn’t make his decision yet, talking to him now will only make him surrender again, and that’s not what he wants.

In the end, Kento just ignore the call, and he receives another message.

 

11:53
Why are you ignoring my calls???
Seriously. Where are you?!

 

Kento thinks to himself for a moment. All this time he always thinks about the meaning behind the word ‘a little truth won’t hurt’. He always thinks about that whenever he found himself stuck between Fuma and his lies. But you know what the real truth here? Those words are lies. The truth always hurt. Little or not, finding the truth about how your significant other cheating on you will always hurt. And this time he will give him the truth too, so he will know a little prick on your finger can draw bloods too.

 

11:54
I’m at Shige’s place since last night.

 

Kento’s phone buzzes again after he sent that message. Fuma calls him again, but Kento clicks the reject button without even thinking about it. Then he turns off his phone, stash it into his bag before he finally leaves Shige’s apartment.

Chapter Text

Fuma gets off from the car that taking him home after a long day at filming location. He says good night to his manager and the driver before he glances to the 8th floor to see the light in their apartment is on. Kento is home.

All day long he pretended to be the usual cheerful and easygoing Fuma when actually he is confused and frustrated inside. Kento is the main reason why today feels like a torture to him. After he sent a message telling him that he stayed at Shige’s place, Fuma tried many times to call him on every opportunities he could get between the filming, but Kento never answer his calls. He just can’t understand why Kento suddenly treat him like that. Well, another lies, he has a hunch of what happened, but if it’s really because of the sin he made, why now?

He opens the door with the key he takes from inside his pocket. He walks inside immediately and he found Kento sitting on the dining chair. Fuma is sure that Kento can hear him coming, but he doesn’t bother to turn around and smile at him, greet him like he always do every other night he came home late.

Fuma drops his bag on the floor and takes off his jacket before he finally sit on the chair across from Kento.

“Let’s break up.” Kento doesn’t beat around the bush and tell Fuma what he wants.

Fuma is baffled by the sudden statement. It takes him a moment to process the word before he finally can ask, “Why?”

“I think we both know why.” Kento says, finally he looks up to meet Fuma’s eyes.

This is it, Fuma thinks. But even with the clear words coming from Kento’s mouth, Fuma still want to act like he doesn’t understand what he said, “I don’t know what you mean”

Kento shakes his head, and laughs because he cannot believe that Fuma acts like he doesn’t know his own sin now.

“Please, don’t treat me like a fool more than you already did to me in the past few months.” Kento suddenly stops laughing and say with his eyes locked on Fuma’s again.

Fuma is taken aback by the sudden change in Kento’s attitude around him. He avoids Kento’s eyes eventually, for the first time in forever, he hates looking at those brown eyes he loves so much.

“I know what you do, Fuma. I know about her!” Kento says the last words with a bit of vehement. “Don’t treat me like a fool.”

Still no words from Fuma, he doesn’t really know what could he say in this situation. Kento’s demand is clear. The reason why he wants it is even clearer. But Fuma doesn’t want it. But he can’t explain why he cheated and still want to have Kento as his at the same time.

After a deafening silence, Kento opens his mouth again, he sounds resign, “Whatever. Just do what you like. But I’m breaking up with you.”

Then Kento stands up from the chair, Fuma looks up immediately when Kento gets up. “No, please don’t go!”

Now Fuma is standing too, his hand grabs Kento’s hand to prevent him from going further.

But what he did seems to break the last switch in Kento, because he suddenly turns around and yells, “For God’s sake, Kikuchi! Let me go!”

“No!” Fuma yells back, his chest tighten by the sound of his surname coming from the same mouth that still call him ‘Fuma’ a minute ago.

“Listen, Kento, I’m sorry! But please give me another chance, I swear it won’t happen again!” Fuma pleads, but his words only makes Kento feels angrier.

“Do you think I will fucking believe that?! I forgave you once, but I don’t think I can do it again this time!” Kento yells louder. He desperately wants to cry, but he feels like his tears are dry already after all the tears he let out last night.

“Just fucking calm down and listen to me for a moment!” Fuma finally loses his composure too.

Kento pulls his hand violently to free it from Fuma’s grip. He points his finger to Fuma’s face, “No, you listen to me!”

“I let you fuck me after you fucked that girl!! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?!” Kento yells louder, and he is not finished yet.

“I only let you do that because I thought I knew what I’m doing! I thought I can win you over with love! Because you know what? That girl is not giving a single fucking damn about you! She doesn’t love you!”

His voice is slightly shaken when he continues, “I thought I knew. But, no, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even know why I still love you after all of that, and why I have to break up with you when I’m still so fucking love you...”

Kento takes a moment of silence, but he is not done yet, he says something again, much calmer this time. “You should ask yourself what you want, Kikuchi. But I won’t be around to wait for you to finally make a decision. I’m tired. I don’t want to feel worthless every time you touch me. Or feel miserable on every morning I wake up next to you.”

Now Fuma is completely silent. He wants to fight back, he wants to say something back to him, but he knows it was all his fault. He cheats on him, and he can’t even deny everything because it’s true, he hurted Kento.

He tried asking his heart many times before, but he never found the answer. But this much, he knows, he doesn’t want to lose Kento. He needs Kento to stay by his side until he can figure out what is wrong with him. But he doesn’t have a clue that he hurted him this much. The reason why he can cheat on Kento is probably because he thought Kento will always forgive him, because Kento loves him, so he will never leave. But now Kento seems to finally reached his limit, and it was all his fault. He takes Kento for granted.

In the end, all Fuma can say is just another apology, “I’m sorry.”

Kento looks down, he lets a stuttered sigh out, he feels his chest is tighten. His mind is wandering to their past actions, trying to find when did they go wrong. But he sees too many mistakes, and his face can only showing the pain now.

“I love you,” Fuma says suddenly, after another deafening silence engulfed them.

The words got Kento look up to see Fuma’s face. There is sincerity in there. Kento knows Fuma mean it, but he is done with this relationship. He already think about this through. It’s not a one night decision, he’s been thinking about it for months, but only last night he finally realized that this relationship is not worth fighting for. So he made his decision.

“Then do me a favor and let me go,” Kento says before he adds, “While I still love you, too.”

Set me free before I hate you

Fuma stays where he stands, he cannot even look up to see Kento leaving through the door. Leaving him alone in the place they once called home.

 

***

 

The morning after their break up, Fuma found out that Kento already packed his stuffs, and bring them away with him even before Fuma came back home that night. His clothes, books, laptop, even Bonita’s bed is no longer in the corner under the window in the living room. He took all the necessities, but he left behind some stuffs he probably forget he has, or maybe he just simply doesn’t want to remember that he once shared it with Fuma.

And now it’s been two days since they broke up. Fuma hasn’t met Kento since then, and he doesn’t have the courage to text him either. But today they have Shokura filming together, ready or not he has to go and meet Kento at work.

He must admit, that he is kind of afraid facing Kento. And he’s not ready facing his group members, because he doesn’t how to act normal under this situation. He is not ready to be asked questions by the younger three.

His concerns are turning into reality as he walks into their greenroom and three pairs of eyes already looking back and forth between him and Kento who is busying himself in the corner with papers in his hands. Shori, Sou, and Marius looking so unbearably sad that make it hurts more to see them have to get involved in this painful break up.

Fuma pointedly avoiding Kento the whole day, and Kento make it easier by avoiding him too. He even refused to be in the same room if there are only Fuma and another person in the room. Like after they changed to today’s costumes, Shori and Sou went immediately to the backstage, and seeing them leaving, Kento hurried himself to leave as well. It hurts, but Fuma knows he would do the same if Kento didn’t leave first.

The filming process is a bit confusing for Fuma actually. Kento is obviously the greatest actor he knew, because he definitely can act so natural to the point it makes Fuma scared a bit. He is scared because it feels too real, the friendliness he showed to everyone on stage. He feels like he doesn’t know anymore which one is reality and which one is not.

But he is reminded again that they’ve broken up when Marius, of course it would be Marius, asked something unnecessary, really.

“Is it really the end? Kento said this time you guys are breaking up for good, but it’s too sad if you just give up like this. I know you two always fight and argue, but don’t you think that separation is a bit too much?” Marius asks suddenly when he caught Fuma alone on his way to the toilet after they finished filming.

Fuma stops, and that makes Marius stops walking too. He seriously wants to snap on Marius, because seriously, this kid sometimes dangerously crossing the lines he shouldn’t cross. But he takes a deep breath instead and count to five before finally walking past him and says, “It’s none of your business. Leave us alone.”

He hopes the coldness from his attitude and words will make Marius understand that he really should leave them alone.

What Marius said already made him feels like he is on the edge of his composure. But what he saw when he is back to their greenroom is definitely the last string that pulls his emotion to chaos. There’s someone he doesn’t want to see the most in the room with Kento and the rest of his band members.

“I’m sorry I forgot to give it to you yesterday,” Kento says while rummaging the inside of his bag.

“It’s okay, I forgot about it myself,” Shige laughs.

Then Fuma sees Kento found what he searched, a key, and he hands it to Shige.

Is that why he broke up with me?

The inside of Fuma’s head is in chaos. When Shige finally turns around to leave, Fuma looks at him angrily. Almost like he can read what Fuma thinks, Shige walks past him with a smirk on his face.

Fuma walks to the direction of his bag on the couch, and he casually open up a conversation with Kento.

“I see you have the keys to his apartment now. I wonder how long you have it with you. A week? A month? Or maybe a year?” Fuma asks while busying himself with his bag, pointedly avoiding Kento’s eyes.

Kento looks confused at first that Fuma suddenly open up a conversation, but when the realization of Fuma’s hidden accusation from his words sinked in, Kento opens his mouth in disbelief. “What are you implying, Kikuchi?”

Maybe the astonishment he can feel from Kento’s words is the thing that make him dare to finally look at Kento again. Because isn’t it supposed to be the other way round? He is the one who should’ve been surprised by the unexpected turn of event.

“What do you think I mean? Isn’t it clear already?” Fuma says, obviously losing his mind by now.

“You are being unreasonable,” Kento shakes his head.

He decides it’s not worth his time to argue, so he sits and takes his script back to ignore Fuma, but the younger one won’t have it Kento ignoring him before he can get the answer why Kento suddenly leave him.

“Don’t you fucking ignoring me!” Fuma snaps and walks to snatch the papers in Kento’s hands.

“What--!” Kento is shocked by Fuma’s action. He starts losing his composure too.

“Shori, can you take those two out for a while?” Kento looks at their younger bandmates. The look in their faces are aching Kento’s chest so much. They are not supposed to see this.

Sou immediately moves to the door, and Shori takes Marius’ hand in hurry to drag him out from the room. But before they can get out from the room, Fuma already talk again.

“Why are you making them leave? Afraid they will know how you sleep with Shige behind my back?”

Kento’s eyes widen in shock. Fuma just cut the last string that restrained him from losing control.

“You fucking kidding me, right?” Kento starts laughing, but then he snaps.

“Who’s the one fucking a slut behind the other one’s back here?!!”

By the words Kento said, Fuma finally fell to silence. He is suddenly losing words to say back to Kento.

“You should be ashamed of yourself for accusing me cheating with him!” Kento points his finger to Fuma again. Just like that night when he broke up with him.

“I’m not a slut like you, or like that slut you fuck. And Shige is definitely not a liar like you. He respects me! Something you already proved you can’t do!”

After finishing his words, Kento tries to calm down his rage, but his eyes are still fixated at Fuma with a lot of anger.

Kento closes his eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath before he snatches his script back from Fuma, and turns around to collect his belongings. When he takes his bag and finally turn to leave, Fuma opens his mouth again, trying to stop him from leaving.

“Kento, no, I’m--”

But Kento already points his finger again to silence him. “Don’t you dare say that again. I’m not buying your apology anymore.” Kento finally leaves the room.

After Kento vanished from his sight, Fuma drops to the floor. He feels stupid, and he is full of anger. In the end he kicks the chair near him violently until it falls and moves quite far from its original location.

Shori, Sou, and Marius flinch at the sound of the chair that fell after Fuma kicked it. They are afraid of moving, afraid of making any sound. Because they never see both Fuma and Kento like that. It frightened them.

Marius’ vision is already blurred by the tears he hold, when they suddenly hear someone speaks behind them at the door.

“I must say you’re in a deep shit, man. But I bet you already know it.”

They all look at the door to see Juri and Shin standing there. But Fuma looks away from his friends, “Leave me alone!” He says weakly to them.

Juri sighs, and looks at Marius who desperately holding his tears. “Poor thing,” he says while making his way to Marius’ direction.

He pats Marius’ head before he looks at Fuma again, “Look what you’ve done to your baby! You should apologize to them for behaving like that!” Juri scolds him, but Fuma just ignores him.

“Take all your stuffs, and go home now,” Juri says to the trio. “I will take care of it from here. Be careful on your way back, okay?”.

With Juri’s words, Shori, Sou, and Marius finally leave the room as well. Juri asked Shin to go home too, and walk with them to the station, no need to wait for him taking care of Fuma.

“You chose the worst place to have a couple fight. We can hear you shouting from outside.” Juri shakes his head while gathering Fuma’s belongings and put it inside his bag.

“But rest assured, unless people come closer to your room, I don’t think they can hear what you’re shouting about. The studio staffs weren’t around either when you fight, so I don’t think they will know what you said to each other. But I saw our staffs, your managers too, at the corridor outside, but they are our staffs so that should be okay… On second thought, maybe it's not okay. Just prepare yourself when they call you next time you meet them, okay? And who else was there…..” Juri stops and thinks.

“Oh! I don’t mean to make thing worse, but almost all Johnny’s WEST are still here too, I think. Including the one I suspect as the source of your anger. And... Kawai and Totsu! They’re still in the room next door when I arrived, and I’m sure they are still in there now, so they must have heard all your conversations.”

Juri just doing his monologues, informing Fuma of who might heard their conversations while collecting Fuma’s belongings and put them all in Fuma’s bag. When he’s done, he takes Fuma’s jacket and throw it to Fuma who still sitting on the floor.

“Get up now, we are going to my place” Juri says, and Fuma gets up reluctantly.

 

***

 

Juri has successfully sneaking Fuma in to his room without his mother notice it. If they get caught by his mother, things will get worse because Juri doesn't think he can explain it to his mother why Fuma looks like a walking dead without telling her the truth that he just broke up with Kento.

“I will just get the water from the kitchen. Don’t move, okay?” Juri says to Fuma before he leaves.

Fuma takes his jacket off, and throw it to the chair in front of the desk like he always do whenever he visits Juri’s house. He looks around for a while, the room is still messy as usual. Fuma takes some magazines up from the bed and put it on the table so he can sit on the bed now.

Not long after that the door is open again to reveal Juri with two bottles of mineral water. Juri puts the bottles on the table before he walks to the bed and sit next to Fuma.

“Okay, before I scold you for cheating on Kento, tell me why you do this?” Juri asks him straight to the point.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Fuma replies. Clearly not wanting to talk right now, but Juri is not planning to let him go without explanation.

“Oh, there are a lot to talk if you ask me. I’m somewhat responsible for your break up, so I need to know why you do this, and what actually happened. So do me a favor to make me feel less guilty by telling me all the details of your affair.”

Fuma glares at Juri for being so frontal like that. But he thinks at least Juri has the right to know that it’s not his fault, it’s not because of Juri took him to that club and introduced that girl to him he eventually ruin his relationship with Kento. But he doesn’t know where to start.

Juri senses his friend is caught in tangled inside his brain so he helps him to make it easier by throwing questions so he can get the details he needs to know.

“Okay, for a start, which one you’re cheating with?”

Fair enough Fuma thinks, there are many girls Juri introduced to him that night that also often hang out with them there.

“Sari” Fuma says reluctantly.

“What?! Are fucking serious? Among all of them you cheat with her??”

Juri is shocked by Fuma’s confession. He shakes his head before he says again, “And now you broke up because of her?! Are you out of your mind?? She is a player, you know!”

“I know! That’s why we sleep with each other!” Fuma defends himself, but that just makes Juri looks at him in shock.

“Shit, Fuma! What have you done?! Is it what I think it is?”

“I don’t know what you think, but that’s definitely not it!” Fuma says back, still in his defense mode.

“At first I just thought that she is fun, you know! But then there’s something about her that intrigued me, and I just went with my instinct to go to her.”

Juri looks like he is thinking to himself, trying to translate what Fuma just said to him, but he doesn’t seem like he understands, so he looks at Fuma again and asks.

“Who’s inviting who first?”

“Her,” Fuma says reluctantly again.

“I knew it!” Juri says, squinting his eyes.

“We are just fooling around! There’s no feeling involved here!” Fuma groans.

He looks away, and trying to see the words flying in front of him to explain how he feels when he is with that girl.

“When I first did it with her, I felt my blood running so high. Adrenaline running wild. I hate to admit it, but it feels so sinful when I’m with her, but it feels good also. It’s exciting, knowing that it’s not okay, but you do it anyway. I guess that’s why I can’t stop. I don’t want to let go of that excitement.”

Silence for a while before Juri asks again, “Can’t you feel it when you’re with Kento? That excitement, I mean.”

Fuma looks up to him, for a moment trying to remember what it feels like when he is with Kento.

“No, I can’t. It never feels like a sinful thing to do when I’m with him. I feel an excitement, but it’s in a different form… Kento always feels like home, you know, like safety.” Fuma says eventually. He looks like he is drown in his own thought for a moment, but then he continues.

“It always feels right when I’m with him. It’s like he is the sun and I’m the moon. I can’t shine without him, I get lonely and won’t reflect any light when he’s not around... My existence will be meaningless if there’s no him by my side."

Fuma takes a deep breath before he glances at Juri, and stares vacantly to the air in front of him again, "It might sound cheesy, but all I can feel when I’m with him is love. And it’s the truth. He always makes me feel good about myself. He can look at my eyes and stare right into me, reading all the problems I have inside and help me stand on my feet again before I even know that I’m falling... Even when we fight and argue, I still feel safe because I know he loves me and I love him and that’s the only thing that matter to me.”

Fuma fell silence, he seems so deep in his own thought. After a long silence, he can feel tears building up inside his eyes, and then he hears Juri says.

“You shouldn’t have hurt him.”

He feels like someone just drop a bucket full of ice to him, and it’s all that he can do to reply Juri with, “I know.” Before he hugs his knees, and hide his face so the world won’t see him crying.