“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.” Rocket begrudgingly said as he approached the door leading to the Guardians’ hotel suite.
To his surprise, (and shock) Peter, Gamora, Drax, and Mantis were standing at the front door of their hotel room with a team of Terran police officers, all wearing handcuffs and very visibly drunk. Groot was being held by one of the officers and he was sporting the cutest pair of the tiniest little handcuffs in existence while he munched on a giant Hershey’s bar that was given to him by the officer so that he wouldn’t be scared.
Rocket stared down Peter dead in the eyes. “What the flark did you do?” The raccoon questioned the so-called ‘Leader’ of their family as Peter just stood there, looking all innocent as he didn’t utter a word.
“Ah, good.” One of the officers said as Nebula approached the doorway. “Ma’am, do you know any of these perpetrators that are standing in front of you right now?”
“No.” Nebula replied as she casted a glare at her sister, Gamora. She was surprised, that for a change, her goody-two-shoes sister, who was Thanos’ favorite daughter, was on the other side of the law for a change.
“Is there anyone else in the household that we can ask?” The other officer asked as Nebula pushed Rocket out of the way.
“No. My husband is asleep in the bedroom and he doesn’t like being waked up in the middle of the night.” Nebula was clearly referring to Kraglin, who was in a sugar coma following all of the cereal he feasted on earlier in the evening. “But I think the blonde man is his brother or something.” Nebula lied, as Kraglin was currently not her husband, but was truly passed out by all the cereal he ate earlier that evening after everyone else went out, leaving her and Rocket to watch the soup-and-cereal-addicted Xandarian.
“Alright, so it’s okay to leave them here with you?” The first officer asked Nebula.
“Yeah, sure.” Nebula responded as the officers took the handcuffs off of Groot before they handed him over to his Aunt Nebby, who cradled him as he sucked on his chocolate bar. “One question though, what crime are they accused of committing?”
“They are accused of criminal trespassing onto a private property, vandalism, public drunkenness, attempting to operate a vehicle while under the influence, destruction of property, attempting to evade capture, theft, public nudity, disorderly conduct, and the corruption of a minor.” The first officer read from the formal complaint issued by the plantiffs and their lawyers to the Guardians and to the other people that were apprehended with them.
The officers then walked back to their van to drive the co-offenders that the Guardians were arrested with home. Rocket was clearly angry as they walked back into their hotel room and sat down in the living room.
“Where were you?!?!” Rocket demanded as everyone sat down. Nebula handed Groot over to his adoptive father, still eating the chocolate bar that the officers gave him.
Peter stood up, clearly drunk. “We... hic... were... hic...” He struggled to say as he fell on the floor. Nebula helped him back onto the couch.
“We were coming back from the store with the snacks that you requested for the rest of our stay when we came across this bar. Peter said that we should go in, get a couple of drinks-.” Mantis began.
“DRINKS?!?!” Rocket was alarmed as he looked at Groot. “You better not have went in with Groot! He’s too young to drink!”
“Relax, Ranger Rick.” Peter said as he nursed a headache. “Of courshe we had to take Groot in.” Rocket glared at the humie. “Chill, the bartender only gave him apple juice. ...Hic!”
“How many drinks did you idiots have?!?!” Rocket questioned as the others shrugged. He growled at the response in order to calm himself down. “Alright, after the bar, where did you go?”
“Well, we didn’t have enough money left over to get a taxi back to the hotel, so we had to walk.” Mantis stated. “That’s when we came across this mansion.”
“A mansion?!?!” Rocket was intrigued. “How big of a mansion?”
“I don’t know! ...Hic!” Peter exclaimed. “It wash a huge one though. It had a fancy entrance gate with shome writing on it.”
“What did the writing say?” Nebula asked.
“It shaid ‘Private Reshidence of the Russho... Russhio...” Peter stuttered. “Rus-so. Russo Brothersh. ...Hic!”
“Who the flark are the Russo Brothers and how did they get enough money to build such a huge house?!?!” Rocket wondered as Peter typed drunkingly on his holopad. He then finds a picture of the Terrans in question followed by a short biography. “Well... They deserve to get their house vandalized. Two major motion pictures and they refused to kill off any major characters?!?!” The raccoon continued to read. “Dumbasses...” He muttered, remembering that there was a child in his presence.
“I am Groot.” Groot said as he ate another piece of his chocolate bar. “I am Groot! I am Groot! I aaaam GROOOOOOT!” He giggled with glee as he repeated his newfound favorite word.
“GROOT!” Rocket was horrified by what the young twig just said. “We DO NOT use that kind of language in this house!”
“What did he say?” Drax questioned.
“‘Motherfucker.’” Rocket translated. “Where the FLARK did he learn that word?!?!”
Peter was about to say that his ‘Loving Father’ taught him well, but even though the humie was completely smashed, he knew damn well not to bring up Rocket’s ‘Unique Parenting Style’ when the raccoon was pretty much mad with ALL OF THEM in this particular moment in time.
“While we were partaking in this Terran tradition Quill called ‘Mischief Night’, we met some other people who were also enjoying this custom.” Drax explained to Rocket.
“Wait, wait, wait.” Rocket said as he scratched his ear as he shook his head in confusion. “What in the world is ‘Mischief Night?’”
“It’sh thish tradition where everyone likesh to play fun, harmlessh pranksh on each other the night before Halloween.” Peter answered. “To get in the shpirit of the holiday...”
“OH, YEAH?!?!” Rocket shouted. “DOES THAT TRADITION INCLUDE GETTING ARRESTED AND TEACHING A YOUNG, IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD HOW TO CUSS?!?!” He spat at Peter as he got up in his face.
“ROCKET!” Gamora’s voice got the raccoon’s attention as he turned to her, glaring. “It wasn’t Peter’s fault.” The raccoon reluctantly sat down and let out a low growl. “Now, if you would let us explain what happened tonight, maybe you’ll see our side of the story.”
Rocket motioned for someone to start. Gamora volunteered.
“After we left the bar because of Peter’s raucous behavior, we decided that it would be for the best if we took a taxi back to the hotel. Unfortunately, we didn’t have enough money to pay for the fare, so we had to walk.” Gamora began. “As we were walking, we passed the affluent part of the city where we heard something.”
“Yeah, other people were also having a good time in this annual tradition, so we decided to join in.” Drax added.
“I am Groot!” The tiny tree grinned. “I am Groooot!”
“GROOT!” Rocket scolded his son as he took the child’s chocolate bar away. “What did I just say about saying that word?!?!”
“I am GrooOOoot!” Groot defies his father as he mocked him.
“That’s it!” Rocket had enough of Groot’s foul mouth as he picked up the misbehaving Flora Colossus and carried him into the kitchen. “Time to go wash your mouth out with soap!”
Five minutes later, Rocket came back in to the living room with Groot, who was crying.
Rocket, who was holding Groot, made him turn around to look at everyone. “Now, Groot, what do you say?”
Groot looks at everyone apologetically. “I am Groot...” He sniffles as Rocket gently pats him on the back as the raccoon sat down with Groot in his arms.
Rocket then glared at the rest of the Guardians. “Now, explain what happened tonight and where Groot picked up on that language.”
“For one thing.” Peter began as he attempted to pick up his head. “Groot didn’t hear that word from ush.”
“Then where did he hear it then?” Rocket inquired.
“There wash thish tall, shtern man with a black trench coat and matching eye patch. ...hic!” Peter informs the raccoon. “It sheemed like he ordered everyone around ash he shtood around, barking orders. He washn’t doing much else otherwise.”
“Was Groot around this buffoon?” Rocket demanded an answer.
Peter scratches his head. “Um... maybe? Groot’sh a kid full of energy, sho he wash running all over the place. He might’ve been around the guy. ...hic!”
Rocket was not pleased. “Who else was there?” He prodded the others for information.
“Well, there was a girl there that seemed to take his orders and relayed them to everyone else. She was skinny, athletic, and dressed like him, but she had both of her eyes though.” Drax replied to Rocket. “There were also a married couple in their 50’s or 60’s there with their adult daughter. They weren’t with the main group, mostly keeping to one corner until it was time to flee. They were successful, until we heard over the police radio that they too have been captured.”
“Was there anyone else there that kept to themselves?” Rocket asked.
“Yeah, there was this weird girl making out with a robot looking person.” Drax answered with a confused look on his face. “When the police came, they tried to run when the Robot-Man tried to run away came across a force field net that enveloped him and his girlfriend. The girl was quickly captured, however, the Robot-Man required the police to override his internal programming.”
“Weird.” Nebula commented. “Who else was there?”
“Well, there was a weirdo that waved his hands all around and called himself ‘The Sorcerer Supreme’ or something stupid like that. He was helping a teenager dressed in like Underoos or Spandex wearing a mask for some reason...” Drax recalled. “Um... I forgot who else was there.”
“Tell the Crabby Puppy about the scary looking Cat King!” Mantis chimed in excitedly. “And the weird Birdman who played lookout in the treehouse that these Russo Brothers built when they were kids.”
“Who the FLARK lives in their TREEHOUSE that they built when they were KIDS?!?!” Rocket’s understandings of Terran upbringing was foreign to him, no matter how many times Peter explained it to him. “Weirdos...”
“I am Groot!” Groot told Rocket as the twig turned to look at his adoptive father.
Rocket was surprised. “Thor was there?”
“The Pirate Angel Baby was not there, Groot.” Drax, who had been unusually quiet, spoke up. “There were two people there that knew him. His friend, Heimdall, and I think his adopted brother Loki.”
“Loki...” Rocket thinks back. “Wasn’t he the one who tried to take over New York a few years ago?”
“Yes, he was.” Gamora answered. “Nebula and I met him when he was under Thanos’ control.” She added solemnly. “But during the battle, the Avengers broke the mind control spell, and Thanos’ hold on him weakened. He was captured and taken to a dungeon on Asgard.”
“But how did he get out? Asgard’s prisons are among the toughest to break free from.” Rocket stated. “Not that I know or anything...” He added as everyone looked at him suspiciously.
“Apparently Thor needed his help with something and if they were successful, he would negotiate his release with their father, Odin. During the fight, Loki ‘faked’ his death so that he could usurp the throne without anyone noticing. Then both Thor and Loki found out that they had a long-lost evil sister just before their father died, so they had to fight her, save their people and make a new home on Terra and that’s how they were at the thing tonight.” Gamora finished explaining.
Rocket couldn’t believe what he just heard was true. “...Okay... was there anyone else there with a weird, convoluted story or was that it?”
“I am Groooot!” Groot smiled as he looked at Rocket.
Rocket couldn’t believe what the twiglet just said. He placed one of his arms around Groot. “What- what do you mean that there was a one-armed man there with a metal arm?” The raccoon gently asks Groot as the Guardians all collectively let out an audible groan and cover their faces with their palms. Groot then wiggled his body impatiently. “Alright, you can go get ready for bedtime.” He says as Groot runs to his and Rocket’s room. “Now, what were you doing at the Russo Brothers’ house?”
Peter had a funny look on his face.
“Quill told us that on Mischief Night, a popular thing to do is to go to an unsuspecting victim’s house and egg and TP it.” Drax said.
“What the flark is ‘Egging and TP’ing a House?’” Rocket wondered with a mix of worry and intrigue.
“That’sh when you take eggsh and toilet paper and throw ‘em at shomebody’sh houshe ash a prank.” Peter explains as Rocket looked at him weird. “Gammy got a good shpiral throw on one and broke a window.” He added as he drunkingly kissed her.
“And then you and Gammy got in one of the Ferraris and drove it right into a swimming pool!” Drax tries, but fails to hold in his laughter. “That’s when we decided to make a break for it and go to Kevin Feige’s house and do the same thing!”
“But then it was too late as the Terran Police Officers arrived and began to arrest everybody.” Mantis deadpanned solemnly. “Some went quietly while others put up a fight.”
“Except that Shpider Kid.” Peter interjected. “All he kept saying wash ‘I don’t wanna go! Please!’” He rolled his eyes. “Like kid, it wash your decishion to even come out thish late at night. ...hic! Big crybaby.”
“Well out of all of us, I was the toughest to capture.” Drax praised himself as he puffed out his chest.
“Dude.” Peter loudly said. “You took off all your clothesh and ran naked all over the yard!” The Guardians looked at Drax weirdly.
“I was blending in with my surroundings!” Drax explained. “I was making use of my invisibility skills that Groot taught me!” He added on as Groot came out of his room.
“I am Groot.” The tree said as he adorably stuck out his tongue at Drax.
“Ha! Even Groot said that you’re an idiot!” Rocket laughed as he high-fived his son. The raccoon then glanced at the two stacks of paper that were twice the size of the twiglet. “What’cha got there, Groot?”
“I am Groooot!” Groot was giddy with glee as he he handed over the stacks of papers over to Rocket.
“You stole these?!?!” Rocket was surprised as Groot excitedly nodded. “That’s my boy!” Rocket read the titles of the papers. “Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Annihilation...”
The Guardians read the scripts. They were shocked by the ending of the first script so much that they held off on reading the second one until later.
Rocket was visibly shaken from reading the script that he didn’t want to talk anymore and his attitude changed.
Groot noticed this and ran back into his and Rocket’s room and emerged minutes later dragging something that was ten times bigger, longer and heavier than he was.
“Whoa, whoa, Groot.” Rocket got up immediately to help his son drag whatever it was to the table. “What’cha got there?”
“I am Groooot!” Groot cheered as Rocket lifted the item onto the table.
“Groot, buddy.” Rocket said. “You know that it’s not my birthday yet...” Rocket looked at the twig to see that he was on the verge of tears. He knelt down to Groot’s eye-level. “But I appreciate the thought. Let’s open it up and see what it is.”
Together, Groot and Rocket opened up the present. Inside was a technologically advanced metal arm. The SAME ARM that the one-armed man was wearing when he was arrested alongside the Guardians.
“I LOVE IT!” Rocket exclaimed as he hugged Groot and his newfound toy at the same time.