Self-satisfied. Full of himself. Up his own ass.
Enji had been called all of those things in his life, both personal and professional, both behind his back and to his face. Even as he’d shout down the assertion that any of them were true, beard flaring, fist meeting desk with a splintering thundercrack...he couldn’t really disagree.
Especially now, bent double over his rowing machine, one knee propped on the seat of it, splitting himself wide with a dildo replica of his own cock.
This...this was an ego trip for the record books.
Not that it was his fault. He hadn’t chosen to hear the doorbell in the middle of his workout. Instead of a visitor, he’d found a discreet, unmarked cardboard box dead center of the front stoop. It was heavier than it looked when he carried it back to the gym room, sealed so haphazardly that he pried up the tape with his fingers.
And looked inside.
And punched a hole through the paper wall.
A package with labeling in lurid reds and oranges declared “Number One Cock! Unlicensed Hero Replica!” Clear plastic revealed truth in advertising- a fat, flesh-colored dildo roughly the width of an average wrist. Enji wasn’t naive, so it wasn’t news to him that this sort of merchandise existed, but at his venerable, internet-challenged age he’d never had the ability or inclination to...get curious.
“Hawks,” Enji theorized through clenched, grinding teeth. He fumbled the awkward blister pack open, tossed it into the corner, and tested the silicone heft of the toy in his palm.
It was close, he had to give them credit for that. Even the placement of the veins seemed true to life. But how the hell could they have…? Enji started to wonder if that anonymous street prankster who kept shining a laser pointer at his crotch had a different motive than he’d first assumed. And better technology.
When he fished his sweaty cock out of his shorts and woke it to hardness with a few practiced strokes, it was only for comparison purposes. Side by side, one in each hand, his erection and the dildo were identical twins. The only difference was that one of them held a heartbeat. A heartbeat that sped up when he met his own eyes in the mirror he used for weightlifting form.
Don’t you dare, his reflection seemed to warn as he lifted the dildo to his lips and latched them around it anyway.
With exhaustive, almost scientific rigor, he whipped his tongue around the toy and sucked it down as far as he could. He gagged on his own length and girth, eyes filling, cheeks slashing dark pink. Christ, no wonder every mouth he’d ever shoved it in ended up complaining. When he came up gasping, he also came up with a new sense of empathy for every partner he’d ever had. This might have been an indulgent, entirely surreal experience, but he was already a better person for it.
So, naturally, he couldn’t stop there.
When the spit-lubed head of the toy popped into his hole, he strained and groaned and cursed low to accommodate it. Fuck, it was a snug fit. Whatever divine creator had cobbled Enji’s body together clearly hadn’t anticipated this anatomical life-hack.
Once he found a rhythm, though, he never lost it. Arms moving in unison to push and pull on both cocks, slamming his prostate with all the brutal force he’d ever given someone else’s, until his eyes squeezed closed, and his mouth hung open, and he shot the world’s most bizarre orgasm in long, white stripes onto the floor. An involuntary shout as he spilled covered a noise he couldn’t have contextualized anyway.
A quiet, robotic whir from inside the toy.
Less than a week later, around the same time of day, the doorbell chimed again. Enji’s face went white, then red when he found another box on the doorstep. One he couldn’t get open fast enough with his clumsy, shaking fingers.
“Number One Asshole! Unlicensed Hero Replica!” he read, then clapped a hand over his eyes.
Once he was clutching the flesh-colored sleeve, Enji bypassed the gym. Shucked his shorts down massive thighs as he power walked to the nightstand in the bedroom. He had to retrieve his dildo double. If he was going to fuck his own ass, Enji decided, vaguely aware that his life was fucking ridiculous...he might as well fuck his own ass while he did it.