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This Is The Way That We Live (And Love)

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Quinn usually said she’d lost her virginity twice. The first time to Noah Puckerman when she was sixteen, in a failed attempt to feel like she was worth something, and the second time to a girl named Sunshine Corazon, at her first party after starting her education at Yale.

She had been attending Yale for three months, but she hadn’t gone to any of the parties yet. Some might say that she was moping. Quinn preferred to say that she was simply studying. Studying a lot.

Really, what reason would she even have to mope? She was out of Lima and had managed to get out with a minimal amount of bloodshed. She’d even managed to come out of the closet to her roommate Mary (whose only response had been ‘Duh,’ possibly because she’d checked out her roommate’s sister when they moved in together) and had a long, teary conversation on the phone with her mom, and after 6 and a half weeks of radio silence and constant fear that her mom would leave her just like her father had, her mom had sent her a package with two delicate necklaces; one with the inscription of ‘Jesus Loves Us Too’ and one with two pink lesbian Venus symbols.

So really, Quinn had no reason to mope. She was doing great. Classes were interesting, Mary was a fun roommate, who even if she did drink a lot of Vodka and nursed a hangover at least one day out of every weekend, still managed to keep her part of the room clean and fresh-smelling, her classmates were cool. So. No reason to mope. At all.

Especially because, well, what right did she have to miss Rachel Berry anyway? What right did she have to mope over a straight girl who she hadn’t even been treating well? How could she claim the right to miss her, and mope over her in her room?

She’d been crushing on Rachel since midway through her freshman year; Rachel had been loud and brash and exciting and so, so ambitious and bursting with talent, and okay, also really cute (which had eventually evolved into really hot). But, well. Telling her was always off limits, even after she finally admitted to herself that she was never going to like boys.

Besides, admitting to Rachel that she was into her would just have been embarrassing. She knew how awful it had been for Santana to tell Brittany that she was in love with her, and they’d been having sex for over two years.

(If someone is willing to stay your sex friend for over two years, it’s a pretty clear sign that they’re in love with you too, Santana. Dumbass.)

Santana, by the way, had found it hilarious that the entire ‘Unholy Trinity’ turned out to be into girls, and had jokingly suggested a threesome when Quinn told her that she was a lesbian. And then she’d asked if that had been the reason for Quinn’s obsession with Rachel, and Quinn had sputtered for approximately 30 seconds, somehow unable to speak, and Brittany had kissed Santana on the cheek in that disarming way Brittany always did that made Santana look all soft and warm. And that strengthened Quinn’s resolution to just not tell Rachel, because Rachel was off to New York and she was off to New Haven, and Quinn didn’t need the humiliation or the mess, and even though Brittany waffled something about closure and letting your unicorn roam free (what?) she had stuck by that resolution.

Thus, she had no reason to complain or mope about Rachel.

But no matter how much Quinn tried to think logically about the whole thing, it didn’t change the way she felt. She hoped the distance and the time apart would dull the ache for a ridiculously straight girl, and she routinely emulated Miss Pillsbury crying in her car, madly screaming along to songs with lyrics such as ‘I’m all by myself, all by myself’ and burrowing her head in her pillows.

But, well. This isn’t the story of how Quinn Fabray moped her way through four months of college. This is the story of how Mary The Roommate one Saturday afternoon had told her to get the stick out of her ass, and either buy a vibrator for herself or go out and find a girl who’d be willing to use one on her.

“What?” Quinn asked, stunned, looking up from where she’d had her head buried in a pillow to glance at Mary.

“Or whatever else it is lesbians do,” Mary said with a shrug, focusing her attention on braiding her long dark hair in a French braid. She frowned. “Well, obviously you wouldn’t stick it in the ass, but the rest of it is still true.”

“You think lesbians just use vibrators?” Quinn asked, swinging her legs in amusement, still resting on her stomach.

“I mean, us straights use vibrators. You have the same parts as me, why wouldn’t you use a vibrator?” Mary said. Her logic was sound. She made a happy sound as she finally managed to tie the hair. “I mean, except for the whole Jesus-thing, I suppose. But that’s not really a lesbian-exclusive thing. I bet your mom doesn’t use vibrators, she sounds real Jesus-y.”

Quinn snorted, and sarcastically said, “There is that, I suppose.”

Mary waved her words aside with an impatient hand. “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I don’t know if this Rachel girl you keep skyping with your friends to mope over is an ex-girlfriend who you had a super nasty break-up with back in Ohio, but you need to get out to move on.”

Quinn considered Mary’s words. As much as she resented the implication that she had been moping, it was true. And it was also true that she wasn’t doing herself any good by becoming a shut-in who constantly replayed a shitty recording she had made with her phone of Rachel singing Paramore’s Only Exception in Glee club.

“So… what do you think I should do?”

Mary grinned. “Go out with me tonight! A friend of mine is holding a party, and she won’t mind me inviting you along. You might even meet a lady,” she waggled her eyebrows.

Quinn narrowed her eyes and asked, “I assume all your friends also have replaced the blood running in their veins with alcohol?”

Mary rolled her eyes as if to say, ‘I don’t drink that much’.

“Sure,” Quinn said with a shrug. Mary grinned and pulled out her mascara brush to apply some on her lashes.

Quinn wasn’t even sure what a lesbian would wear at her first college party in a weak attempt to make other lesbians notice her.

She’d watched The L Word, of course (in the dark of her room with her headphones in and the sound turned so low that she barely could hear the dialogue herself, just so there was no chance of her mom or dad eavesdropping on her), so she knew to make sure her nails were trimmed as short as she could and put on her favorite sneakers – not high heels – and her favorite pair of jeans. Her mom’s two necklaces hung delicately around her neck, and she put on a thick flannel shirt.

(Huh. Even if she didn’t meet any other lesbians, she’d at the very least be comfortable and warm.)

Mary had arranged for a carpool-solution since a few of her friends were going to the same party as well. (Mary really had too many friends, Quinn thought; her own popularity had been the ability to not even have to know someone’s name but still be able to make them do anything she wanted with a sweet smile. Mary just seemed to know everyone, and it seemed exhausting.)

Mary spent half the ride talking to her friends, and the other half peppering Quinn with informational gold nuggets, such as, “You’re gonna have to pay for your half of the Vodka and the juice boxes, because I need to be able to afford to buy Ramen noodles, I cannot live on knowledge alone.”

She was sipping on a bottle filled with pure vodka (how?) during this, and Quinn was getting kind of worried that her roommate had an alcohol problem, but then they had arrived at the house of the party.

Before she knew it, Mary had dragged her in through the front door, thrust beer and vodka and juice boxes down on a table with alcoholic beverages, and loudly yelled,

“This is my lesbian roommate Quinn y’all!”

Okay, that was kind of… a bit too loud. Quinn felt like wincing, but she’d not been a Cheerio for nothing, so her face remained blank.

A few girls shouted, “Hi Mary!” but otherwise no one said anything about the fact that a lesbian was in their midst. Quinn took stock of the room; a sofa, a couple speakers with a cable leading to a phone churning out Beyoncé, a table for alcohol near the door and a largely cleared floor for most of the guests to stand and socialize on. Some of them took socializing as meaning talking, others took it as meaning I need to remove your tonsils with my tongue.

A girl with short dark hair pushed her way through the crowd, and before even saying hello, she asked, “did you bring the booze?”

Mary nodded, and the girl sighed in relief, “oh thank god. I need some.”

Quinn waved awkwardly in an attempt to introduce herself. “Hi, I’m –“
“Yeah, hi lesbian roommate. I need to down a drink and then call my ex-boyfriend and yell at him,” The girl said offhandedly, only glancing at Quinn for a moment.

“Katie!” Mary said admonishingly. “You’re holding this party to forget about him, remember!”

Katie just whined and tried to fill a cup while also trying to unlock her phone, almost spilling the liquid all over herself.

“Okay, we’re gonna need someone to put on Single Ladies…” Mary muttered, grabbing the phone out of Katie’s hand.

“You’re a lesbian, would you be into me? Do you think I’m hot?” Katie asked Quinn, her eyes very big and puppy-dog-like.
“Uh,” Quinn started. Mary mouthed, “just walk away” and Quinn did so, her mood already dampened considerably. Behind her, Katie was muttering about how he’s a total bastard.

She checked out the alcohol selection, by-passed the wine coolers and grabbed a beer can, and sat down on the couch. With a bit of struggle, she managed to open the can without sloshing anything on herself - quite hard when Single Ladies was playing in the background, and her body had been conditioned to dance to every beat she heard, through several years of cheerleading and three consecutive years in show choir - and she took a sip.

She grimaced.

“Yeah, it’s kind of gross, isn’t it...” a female voice said to her right. Quinn glanced over and did a double-take. A cute Asian girl with long dark hair was sitting with her legs in a crisscross position next to her. She looked amused at Quinn’s surprise.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you sitting there,” Quinn said apologetically, and lifted her beer slightly to underscore her next remark, “I was focused on cracking open this bad boy… But then I found out it was really a bad one.”

The girl grinned, and Quinn watched the Wonderwoman logo on her chest move. “That’s beer for ya.”

She extended a hand, and calmly said, “my name’s Sunshine Corazon,” with a grin. Quinn quirked her eyebrow as she took her hand. “Unironically?”

Sunshine grinned, a dimple appearing in her cheek. She was adorable. “Yeah. People usually think it’s because I’m from the Philippines where it’s always sunny,”

“Except for the monsoons, I guess?” Quinn asked. Sunshine’s grin widened. “Exactly.”

Was she flirting? Was this what flirting with girls felt like? Quinn’s stomach felt like it was on a roller-coaster, but of the pleasant kind.

“I’m Quinn. Quinn Fabray,” she said, glancing down at Sunshine’s hand, which still hadn’t let go of hers.

“Fab-gay?” Sunshine asked with a raised eyebrow. Her shoulders were already shaking with repressed laughter. Quinn swatted playfully at her. “If that was my last name, Mary would hardly have needed to shout to the whole room that I’m her lesbian roommate.”

Sunshine snorted mirthfully. “If that was your name, it would have been fate that you were a homo. And I think Mary would have shouted it out anyway.”

“She is pretty loud, isn’t she?” Quinn asked, sipping carefully at her beer, and keeping herself from grimacing.

“Yeah. Mostly when she’s drunk though, which, now that I think about it, is at least 75 percent of the time.” Sunshine responded, and they both took a moment to look at Mary dancing with the broken-hearted girl from earlier. They were busting out the moves to the Macarena.

“Where do you know Mary from, anyway?” Quinn asked.

“What?”

Quinn leaned in closer, so she could speak in the other woman’s ear. “Where do you know Mary from?”

The dimple in her cheek was really visible now that she was so close, and she could see it moving as Sunshine turned her head to talk back.

“Short version, I was mistaken for Katie’s ex and had Mary shout at me. Neither of them realized that I wasn’t her ex until the next day, and now Mary regularly comes over to get drunk.”

Quinn raised her eyebrows. “I’m intrigued. Tell me the long version.”

“It’s a little loud in here,” Sunshine said. “How about we go get some fresh air while I tell you?”

She agreed, got up, grabbed another beer, and then followed the petite woman out of the room. She wondered if she could make an excuse about not wanting to lose her among the crowd, so she’d have to hold her hand but decided not to. It felt too transparent.

Then Sunshine’s hand grabbed hers, to pull her to a door with a sign written on construction paper: “KATIE” - through the doorway and into a small, messy bedroom. Quinn almost tripped over the clothes strewn all over the floor. Across the room was another door, out to a small balcony, presumably to smoke on.

With a bit of struggle, Sunshine opened the sliding door, and they stepped outside. Suddenly Quinn realized how cramped she’d felt in that living room, and she inhaled the air thankfully. The door remained half closed, as they both fell into a couple of plastic chairs that had been placed out there.

“It’s nice to be out here,” Quinn remarked. “I haven’t really been at any parties in college yet, so it’s a bit overwhelming to be around all of these people.” With a flick of her wrist, she managed to open the beer can while Sunshine watched. She had to concentrate not to spill, but for entirely different reasons now.

“Now, tell me the tale of being mistaken for a straight girl’s boyfriend,” she said and waited attentively.

“Katie is my roommate, and she met Mary in the club three weeks ago. I had stayed home because I needed to finish an assignment for class, and Katie calls me up, ranting about how I’m her soulmate, yeah? She’d called the wrong number, she was trying to get in contact with the douchebag ex, and I’m trying to explain to her that she needs to go home, when all of a sudden apparently Mary grabs the phone and shouts,” she held up her hand in an imitation of a phone and spoke in a slurred voice, “You need to stay out of this beautiful, beautifuuuuul girl’s life and had a whole diatribe about how Katie deserves a trillion, b-billion, no a million trillion times better.” She lowered her hand and made a sweeping motion with it. “I tried to explain that I wasn’t the douchebag ex, but they were both so wasted that they weren’t listening to anything. So… then I picked up Katie, who insisted on bringing her new best fwiend with her, and now Mary is here regularly, drinking all our alcohol and stealing my chocolate bars. I don’t even think they knew each other’s name until three days later, they were that drunk”

Quinn chuckled at the dramatic retelling, and they sat quietly, looking out at the streets and the sky above.

“Your jacket’s nice,” Quinn then said, leaning forward to rub the fabric between her fingers. As though she didn’t know how denim jackets felt. Sunshine smelled nice, kind of woodsy, but also a little flowery.

“I like your necklaces, Quinn.” She felt Sunshine’s fingers in the dip of her throat, playing with the Venus necklaces for a moment, then her fingers slipped away.

“They were a coming out gift from my mom,” Quinn told her.

“I’ve been out since my junior year in high school,” Sunshine said, taking a sip from her bottle, and looking up at the cloudy night sky.

“Really?” Quinn said. “What was that like?”

“I mean, it definitely wasn’t fun. The guys wanted to convert me, the girls didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I had a lot of time to fulfill the Asian stereotype and get top grades, and then I also did show choir, which was really hard.”

“No way, I did show choir too!” Quinn said, leaning over and grabbing Sunshine’s hand. “And high school kids suck.”

Sunshine smiled. “That they do. We all sucked in high school. It’s the rule.”

Quinn threaded her fingers with Sunshine’s nervously, and said,

“I have two friends who did the whole out-and-proud-lesbian-couple thing in High School too. Senior year.”

“Oh yeah? And when did you come out then?”

“I’m pretty recently out, you could say,” Quinn said with a shrug. “As in, this is my first… official outing as an out and proud lesbian. I’ve been to class, but that’s about it.”

“Really? And how’s that going for you?” Sunshine smiled playfully and looked at her through her lashes. Quinn got the distinct sense that she wasn’t talking about the classes. Her stomach flipped, and she leaned forward a bit more, nudging her shoulder against Sunshine’s.

“I’d say it’s been going pretty well,”

Sunshine’s dimples came out again, her eyes never leaving Quinn’s. Her eyes were so dark, and Quinn felt so breathless.

Then Sunshine said, “I want to ask you something. Can I?” Quinn had to set down her beer can, as she stuttered out something affirmative.

“You don’t have a girlfriend back home, do you?”

She shook her head.

Sunshine hesitated for a moment, then said, “and how much have you been drinking tonight?”

Quinn leaned down to tap her fingernails against the top of the beer. “Just the two you’ve seen me drink. What about you?”

“I’m a little tipsy, but nothing more than that.”

Sunshine’s eyes were so dark, but they shined through the dark like tiny, black lights, and her lips were parted slightly as she breathed in and out for a few more seconds.

“Can I kiss you?”

It had been Quinn who had asked, the words strangled and quiet.

“Took the words right out of my mouth,” Sunshine said with a playful grin. And then. Then they were kissing.

It was a little awkward at first, what with sitting in two different chairs, but then Sunshine crawled out of her seat and into Quinn’s lap, and it felt overwhelming and incredible, and there was something about kissing a girl outside that made her feel flushed and eager. This wasn’t stolen kisses with Brittany behind closed and locked doors, or Santana’s insistence that this was all for the boys. This was out and free and she had the wind in her hair as Sunshine Corazon in a Wonderwoman tank top and denim jacket dipped her tongue into Quinn’s mouth, a playful tease, a taste of a fruity drink on her tongue.

They kissed for ages - just lips on lips, and tongues touching and Quinn’s hand up the back of Sunshine’s shirt. Then Sunshine lowered her lips to Quinn’s throat, sucking lightly on the skin.

Quinn slipped her hand up the front of her shirt, a breathless moment of bare flesh against hers, and then they were kissing again. Now the kisses were hard and fast, and deep.

“Maybe we should take this inside,” Sunshine muttered against her lips, and Quinn agreed. She agreed so hard. Somehow, they managed to get themselves untangled from the chair, and Quinn held open the door for Sunshine like a gentleman and bowed ironically, and then she was being kissed again.

They laughed into each other’s mouths as they pushed and pulled at each other’s clothes. Quinn managed to get Sunshine’s jacket slid off her shoulders, relishing in the feeling of her burning hot skin against Quinn’s cooler hand.

“You’re cold,” Sunshine hissed, though she sounded more amused than anything, as Quinn playfully put her hands on her stomach, making a sizzling sound.

“And you’re hot,”

“Of course I am,” Sunshine huffed, as she tried to unbutton Quinn’s shirt, her eyes gleaming at Quinn.

Quinn heard herself blabber something about how they should get on the bed right now, and then they were both falling onto the small bed, Sunshine’s mouth attached to the line of Quinn’s throat, and her fingers nimbly opening the buttons of her shirt. Quinn’s fingers were entangled in the long dark hair.

Finally, the buttons were all open, and Quinn sat up to remove the shirt. As she shrugged out of the sleeves, Sunshine threw off her own top as well, as well as the sports bra underneath.

It felt different to kiss without a shirt on, without any layers separating them. Sunshine ended up below Quinn, Quinn’s thigh between her legs, almost completely covered by the taller girl.

Her hands scrabbled for purchase on Quinn’s back, hand sliding up to the small of her back, her short nails digging into her skin for a second, and Quinn groaned and had the sound swallowed by Sunshine’s mouth.

Grinding into each other made the heat build even more, and for the first time ever, Quinn thought her comfy jeans were uncomfortably tight. She felt wet and wanting, and it felt like the jeans were suddenly cutting into her skin. She kind of wanted to get Sunshine out of her pants too, she thought, as Sunshine latched her mouth onto her nipple, her tongue flicking out against it.

“Can I -“ she panted and scrabbled at Sunshine’s jeans.

Sunshine leaned up and kissed her desperately while she tried to reposition them both in a position that would favor the removal of the last pieces of clothing. They both managed to wriggle themselves out of their jeans, though they did have to stop kissing to do it. Sunshine was wearing a pair of black boyshorts underneath, and she snapped the band against her hip, raising an eyebrow at Quinn. “Do you want me to take this off too?” Her voice was silken and sexy and hot.

With a rush of nerves, Quinn realized that it must be so very obvious that she’d never done this before, that she had no idea what she was doing, but the persistent curl of wanting in her stomach led her to nod.

“Yeah. Take it off. Please,” she stuttered. Sunshine smiled at her, as she snapped the band of the underwear against her hipbone once again, and then said, “will you take yours off too?”

Quinn nodded, and quickly slid her own - soaked - underwear off, and then looked up at Sunshine again.

She had expected to feel nervous about how she had stopped shaving or feel anxiety over how she looked down there, but she honestly didn’t.

The truth was that she hadn’t really felt the desire to shave for a while, a combination of ‘well I’m not going to meet anyone I want to be intimate with any time soon, I’m still pining over a straight woman’ and a defiant ‘well, if the hair isn’t supposed to be there, then why does it grow there?’
But Sunshine didn’t shave either, her pubic hair was dark and looked soft to the touch. Quinn softly pressed one hand against the hair, ran her fingers through it as though combing it, and had the other hand on Sunshine’s hip. Her lips landed on Sunshine’s neck, as though out of instinct. She pulled on the hip a bit, and they both stumbled the step or two back to the bed, Quinn maneuvering them so that she was on top again. Sunshine had one hand on the small of her back, pressing Quinn down against her, the other hand caressing her breast, flicking her nipple in a way that made her groan dizzily against the other woman’s throat, grinding down onto Sunshine’s thigh. Her fingers slipped through the hair, and then her fingers slid into the hot wetness between Sunshine’s legs. She couldn’t help but gasp as she felt her fingers slip-sliding through the slickness, the silken folds. She was touching a woman. She was making a woman let out a gasping sound; that gasp and moan was for her. Sunshine let go of her and grabbed her face, pressing her lips down to hers, open-mouthed kisses being panted into Quinn’s mouth.

Kissing her was difficult, lips parted in racking, soft moans, tongue unable to really kiss her back, but there was something about the way her moans reverberated through Quinn’s lips, in response to what Quinn was doing, that kept her going back for it; she couldn’t help but love the way it felt to be swallowing her moans like they were oxygen. Like she was pulling the sound into her lungs and sending it out into her bloodstream, into every particle of her body where it found its place. She didn’t think she’d ever get enough of it.

The muscles in Sunshine’s thighs were tensing and relaxing, almost trapping Quinn’s hand between them, and then with a final, quiet gasp, she fell quiet and her body relaxed.

 “That was my first time with a woman,” Quinn said breathlessly.

“Pretty great, huh?” Sunshine said with a grin, also seeming a little breathless still. (Quinn felt a savage kind of satisfaction – I did that to her! Me!) “And trust me, it only gets better with practice and experience.”

“Oh really?” Quinn asked with a grin.

“Oh yeah. I can show you my practice and experience if you like?” Sunshine suggested, her damp hands stroking Quinn’s sweat-damp back.

“Yeah! I’d – I’d really like that!” Quinn said, unable to keep herself from smiling.

Sunshine smiled wickedly as she slid her fingers between Quinn’s legs, expertly rubbing and circling and – oh. Oh. Shit, that felt good, and her nipple was caught in Sunshine’s mouth, and Sunshine was in her veins, she felt on fire and shit, shit, how could that feel so good. She had no idea how long it took, it could have been seconds, or it could have been several eternities, minutes or hours, but then she was whirling off in space, feeling electric, and then sated - and Sunshine wasn’t stopping, and Quinn could feel the pleasure building again, like a never-ending sea of pleasure, a storm, a fire.

Then, they lay side by side, Sunshine having pulled the blankets up over them both, so they wouldn’t get cold, Quinn still feeling boneless and Sunshine massaging her clearly sore wrist with a cocky grin.

Slowly, though, the boneless-ness gave way to anxious thoughts.

Quinn wasn’t entirely sure what the etiquette was supposed to be for one-night-stands or hook-ups or whatever you were supposed to call them. When she’d slept with Noah, he’d left through her window afterward, and the whole thing had happened through a haze of alcohol and affirmations that no Quinn, you’re not fat. The year after, she’d slept with Finn, in a desperate bid to get back the status she had had the previous year, and with some hazy idea in her head that if she were with Finn, Rachel would not ever have a boyfriend. It had been… Complicated.

So, it was probably not surprising that she wasn’t exactly sure what happened next, after having mutually satisfactory sex with a woman she’d only met earlier this night.

But, what the hell, she was Quinn Fabray. She could do anything, even push a baby out of her vagina at sixteen and come out of the closet as a big fat homo three years later. If she couldn’t muster up the courage to talk the cute girl she’d just had sex with, no one could.

“So… what happens next?” she finally asked.

Sunshine turned towards her, leaning on her elbow, looking serious, her dark eyes searching her face.

“What do you want to happen?”

“I don’t know?” Quinn mumbled.

Sunshine sized her up with her eyes.

“How about we get out of this bed, get our clothes on and change the sheets because Katie will kill me if she found out I accidentally had sex in her bed. Then afterward, I give you my phone number, and we go out for a cup of coffee sometime next week, and we figure out where we stand then.”

Quinn smiled. “That sounds like something I’d be into.”

Sunshine smiled and started digging around for her underwear. “We can talk about going to school in Ohio, and I can regale you with tales of my time in Vocal Adrenaline…”

Vocal Adrenaline? It looked like The L Word had been right, Quinn thought - all lesbians were connected.

Then she snorted, remembering something. "Oh God, Mary's gonna be asking me if you put a vibrator up my ass!"

Sunshine almost fell over from laughing so hard.