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Like I'm Human

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“Stop that!” I shout in the stubborn wolf’s face.

‘What?” he asks with no anger meeting my anger just confusion.

“Treating me like I’m human,” I shoot right at him.

“Stiles, you are human why wouldn’t I treat you as such?” the wolf asks me once again with confusion and worry in his voice and expression.

‘For everything I did, I can’t stand it anymore, Derek. No one cares much less notice what that had done to me,” I shout at him knowing fully well that he has a good idea on what I feel. I feel a sting and tears welling up in the corner of my eyes, “I can’t stand this life anymore. You should know better than anyone with how I feel.”

I see his eyes sadden only slightly before he shakes his head, “yeah, but if I gave up when I wanted to Stiles, I would never have met you or found Cora again. So truthfully since I met you, I had become stronger cause you helped build me back up when you stopped being an idiot. Now you’re my idiot that I’ll look after because I didn't’ get to truly see what you became after all that. I’m here now. You are human, stiles. More than anyone of us,” he holds his hand, “I know we’re werewolves and that, but we are still scar even if you don’t see them.”

I sigh as I lean against his chest not even sure how we came to the position of standing with him wrapping his arms around me in a tight, but loose hug. I feel safe and at peace for the first time in months. I feel more human than a monster. I had never seen werewolves as evil any more than I do with humans. We are all the same, but after what I had gone through, I saw myself worse than I had seen the worst of those we had gone up against.

“Stiles, you know that we all care about you,” Derek whispers as he has his head buried in my neck as I know is him scenting me hoping that it’d change something in my scent. I smile as I thread a hand through his hair holding him there, “Yet, you are the one that is here with me, Derek. While everyone else is out being wild and free you are the one that took notice of my pain and saw through my facade.”

He nods as he lets out a suffering breath of air, “Like you said before out of everyone I should know how you feel the most out of everyone. I had been in a position much like your own and I had put a facade on for a while until I grew tired of it. Until I had pushed my sister away and the idea of starting a new pack was in the far corner of her mind. I know that no one can ever replace those that have been lost no matter the good or the bad. All I know for sure is that there is a choice to let yourself be happy and to make yourself wallow and suffer. Trust me that isn’t a way to go. You were the one that had taught me that. You may seem a skinny defenseless fragile human, but in truth you are worth more than the whole pack together. You have a place in all our lives and you have held us all together after all this time. You are a power of good for everyone. Don’t let anyone especially yourself tell you otherwise.”

I smile as I pull Derek closer to me and I can feel more of his beard scrap against my neck, but I don’t care cause I’m in a personal slice of heaven that hasn’t been tainted.  

“Why are you so set on this, Derek? I have to ask. Cause if I don’t, I’ll regret it, “I feel my eyes sting as he pulls away to look into my eyes. I’m lost staring into his eyes trying to figure what color they are more of today.

I finally decide that it’s more hazel mixed with a blueish grey when he speaks up, “I will be truthful. I have many reasons to come here and tell you and maybe a few aren’t honorable and are selfish, but I care about you,”  I watch him since a bit like this whole heart to heart is eating at him more than he’d like me to know, “I know how you feel, I care about you and I see you in pain even when you think no one sees it. It eats at me every time I see you with that empty look on your face like you just want to die,” I’m staring into his eyes as he starts crying. "I know that feeling more than anything and only reason I’m still here is cause I’m stubborn. I know you are. If that isn’t good enough then thin of your family and friends that love you and would never put what that thing did while it wore you like some kind of costume. It wasn’t you. None of it was. What was you is everything you did to fight that thing off even when you didn’t want to be a werewolf you put that at a risk just to save everyone?”

I stare at him as I whisper, “Please tell me what’s so selfish of all that?”

He seems to combat it until he says, “Cora,” I gotta leave, but his grip on me tightens and he makes it so I’m looking into his eyes with a hand over his chest, “explained and more so yelled at me that I need to tell you how I feel. I didn't want to, but the idea that I might lose you without ever saying anything is scary. I’ve spent all this time telling myself these lies so I could live without you, but the truth is you are everything to me.”

I bit my lip as a small smile starts to appear and he must see something else when he tips my head a bit with his own smile, “There’s the look I love.”

“The look you love…? Is that it? How am I everything?” I

Derek tips his head a bit down as he looks up into my eyes, “You are everything cause even though you annoyed me and fought with me all the time,” Again he makes it so I’m stuck looking in his eyes, but I’d do anything for you. I spent hours without sleep looking for you. I came back to forsaken town to help you no one else. Without you it truly is a barren world with no meaning. You are human. You are strong. You are brilliant. You are everything that I am not and so much more. I know it might be just an image I drew up of you, but that’s how I see you. That’s how I believe you are so no matter how long you’ve been hiding and hurting I just…” He takes a few seconds and a deep breathe to pull himself together before he continues, “I just want you to be happy. I want you to be the Stiles you were when we met. To be the Stiles the helped torch my uncle. To be the human that I couldn’t help but to care about. No matter how you see yourself that’s how I see you. You might face danger more planned and head on then before with less fear, but I think you were always like that. You might be human, but….”

I cover his mouth shaking my head trying to fight back more tears that want to fall from my stinging and red eyes. I shake my head, “Enough please. All I’ve wanted was someone to pull me from this emptiness. To snap me out me out of this and not pretend. I’m happy it was Derek, cause I know you’d never lie to me. You’d look me square in the eye and tell me how it is, but to lie about that kind of feelings… I can’t believe you would use my emotions like that.”

I know what I said was wrong the second those words left my mouth. “Oh god…” oh no Derek is going to hate me. He’s going to take back all he said and then he’ll leave again. I’ll be all alone. That’s it I’m a monster. I said something like that to Derek. How could I think Derek would do anything like that after how many times people have used him for their own gain. I know that he’s never lies to me about his feelings even if it seems to kill him. “I’m a monster.”

I feel arms tighten around me as a hand rubs my back and hums to me before Derek’s deep voice says to me right by my ear, “You’re not a monster, Stiles. You’ve just built that wall around you to high and when I tried to knock it down you lashed out. Though there’s only much lashing that I’d take for I might be a shapeshifter, but you have to remember we do have a human side to ourselves as well.”

I start to nod my head as I wrap my arms tighter around him feeling where my face is in his shoulder starting to get a little damp, but Derek doesn’t say anything just holds me a little tighter against his chest. It’s like something finally starts to crack and crumble down. Something that I’d been trying to hide away to protect myself. The pain and all my emotions come rushing back in and it’s unsettling, but with Derek holding me it’s easier than I’d think it would normally be.