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it starts with a sharp slap to shayne topp’s face by damien haas, a panic-stricken expression stuck on his face, hanging on by a thread. shayne’s mouth is dropped open as he slowly brings his fingers up to gingerly touch his cheek. 

damien’s hand is still in the middle of the air, and he pulls it back to his chest when he realizes what he’s done. shayne’s mouth closes as it forms in a thin line, his cheek changing from peach to a light pink and slowly to a dark red. tears start forming at the edges of damien’s eyes as he holds his hand to his chest, unable to even utter a single word.

the tension could be cut with a knife. it’s uncomfortable and it feels like shattering on a sidewalk. damien can feel his chest closing up as he thinks over what he just did, the numbness appearing at the tips of his fingers and his head spinning, his eyesight weak as the tears blur everything.

the blond is the first to speak. “i... i didn’t think you’d actually do it,” he whispers, pain lacing in and out of his voice. “i thought it was just a threat.”

“w-what’d you expect?” damien lightly stutters, flickering his eyes to look over at the tv that’s playing in the background. “t-that i am all b-bark and n-no bite?”

he stares at shayne, anger screaming behind his eyes as he tries to find more words to explain the meaning behind what happened. they each know the minimal of what happened; and it wasn’t any good. it was that equivalent of giving up on one another without talking about it. but god, even if they were already fighting, damien did not think that cheating was a good alternative to fighting.

while he went to work, got his stuff done, shayne was out doing more. it was brought to his attention tonight when shayne spilled the beans, the words crashing over damien and into his bones, and he didn’t even hesitate to slap his boyfriend. there was that promise at the beginning of their relationship that if shayne cheated, damien wouldn’t hold back.

shayne was still rubbing his cheek. “i’m sorry, okay? what else do you want me to do, damien? i can’t take it back.” his words are bitter and tense, hold a sharp edge to each syllable. damien felt himself get even more tense, his fingernails digging into the palms of his hands. “you can’t expect me to let you hit me.”

“okay. i’m sorry for slapping you,” damien retorts, stepping away from shayne. “i’m sorry for slapping you. i’m sorry for giving you every ounce of my being and letting you have it. i’m sorry for letting you hold my hand, or hug me, or even kiss me — i’m sorry, shayne.” he’s yelling by the end, tears slipping from his eyes and falling down his face. “i shouldn’t have let us get in this fight anyway. what were we fighting about? oh yeah, you quitting your job. i’m sorry that i went to work instead of watching your every move. there. you happy now?”

now shayne was speechless. he dropped his hand from his cheek and stared at damien. his pink cheeks and runny nose, his eyes getting swollen red with tears dripping off his chin and onto his shirt and floor. his shirt was wrinkled and his hair slightly messy as he ran a shaky hand through it. what could shayne say?

he knew he was in the wrong. that doesn’t mean he likes damien playing the full victim. he started their fight, all because shayne didn’t like his job anymore. that didn’t stop the brunette from getting angry because their rent was due soon and they couldn’t afford it. it all escalated from there.

“it’s not just my fault. it’s yours too,” shayne decides to respond, turning his head to the side to look out the window. at all the passing cars and the swaying branches and leaves on the trees. “you started our fight.”

damien groaned. it was shaky and his voice was getting more strained. “i’m sorry. you want me to keep repeating that? i apologize. didn’t mean to make you feel like the bad guy.”

his words are as sharp as the invisible dagger that’s sticking out from his heart, twisting pains through his whole body. brushing them off as minor, he only lets his anger bubble up like a volcano and slowly spill all over shayne and their hurting souls.

“listen, i’ll fucking leave. i’ll go stay at ericka’s for a few nights,” damien spits out, stepping away from the area where all the tension was building up. “i’ll be out of here in ten minutes.”

when he begins to walk out of the living room, he can hear a broken sob fall from shayne’s figure. it screamed that he was confused and didn’t know what he was doing. what he did was wrong and it was all appearing to him that he was horrible. he broke their trust that was supposed to hold them together.

in their shared bedroom, damien shut the door lightly and grabbed a backpack from under his side of the bed. he used it whenever he needed to travel for the job, both otherwise it wasn’t used for much. 

the zippers were getting rusty and it was hard to open the pockets. but once open, damien pulled his phone from his pocket, dialed up boze, and put it between his head and shoulders as he began to grab clothes and shove them in.

she answered on the third ring, sleep laced in with her usual perky voice. “damien? what’s up? you okay?”

“hey! boze,” he says, putting on a fake happy voice, shoving another shirt into his bag, “i was wondering if there was a possibility you would be fine with me staying over for a few nights.”

from the other side, he could hear her surprise gasp as she ran from one room to another. “wait, damien, what happened? are you okay? do you need me to come over there?”

“no,” he let out a fake laugh as he zipped all his clothes up and grabbed a few other essentials. “i can get over there myself. i’ll see you there, okay? i can explain everything later.”

“okay. stay safe?”

“always.” his reassuring tone makes her hang out, believing him. he turns his phone off and shoves it in his back pocket, taking one last look around the room before exiting.

the hallway feels long. like he’s heading to his final death before living again. on certain parts of the walls are pictures of the two and their friends. they’re bittersweet. they feel happy and like way better days.

when he enters the living room, his eyes fall on shayne’s figure. he looks up upon hearing his boyfriend walk in, and his eyes travel and see the backpack. he looks away from damien.

“i’ll be back in a few days,” damien mutters, pulling a strap up. “i’ll see you later, shayne.”

the blond stands up and walks over to damien, not hesitating to throw his arms around his neck and pull him into him. damien lets him hug him. his hot breath tickles his neck when he whispers, “this doesn’t matter much right now, but i am sorry. have fun with boze.”

damien stiffly nods and pulls away, some of hair hair falling onto his forehead. he took one last look at shayne — at his blond hair that was once neatly swept back, at his blue eyes that are now puffy and red, at this whole figure that clearly was in so much pain — and he turned around. he couldn’t fall back into shayne and let himself give in to such a thing.

after leaving the apartment, it was such a relief to reach the sidewalk. the night was here and the sky was dark, but a few stars in the sky were visible, which felt safe and comfortable. it wasn’t near chilly, so damien took his chances and began to walk.

he and shayne had a shared car; to help with gas prices and to spend less money on a car overall. damien wasn’t just going to take it and make shayne walk while he was gone, he’d just walk to boze’s and see what they would do from there.

his footsteps echoed on the sidewalk, and he passed a few people who gave him strange looks. ones that said, “what is he doing up?” which was valid except that they were also up and walking the sidewalks. 

not long after he leaves, his phone in his back pocket goes off, a sweet song playing. he yawns and pulls it out, answering, “yes?” not even checking the caller id.

“you almost here? i’m getting worried,” boze replies through the phone. damien takes a look around to see his surroundings. “where are you?”

“close,” he says slowly, still trying to figure out how close that may be. “i’m walking there. i’ll be there before you know it.”

“damien!” she exclaims, and he hears the jingle of keys and a door slam. “oh my fucking god, you’re fucking walking, i’m going to lose my shit-“

he lets out a laugh, unable to contain his laughter, tears from pent up anger and sadness from shayne falling down his face. he stops on the sidewalk, letting it all wash over him, and not long after he started laughing, he’s sobbing on the ground, the phone still held up to his ear as he tries to catch his breath. boze is trying to calm him down, ask where he is, but he’s just so heartbroken and confused that even he doesn’t know.

it takes her ten minutes to find him, and once she does, she jumps from her car and rushes to his side, plucking the phone from his hands and putting it in her pocket. with help from him, she pulls him up by his hands, and soon he’s on his feet with dry tears all over his cheeks. he climbs into the car with nothing but a broken heart, a backpack, and a best friend.

 


 

 “i’m not giving into his games,” damien says, pride in his voice as he places down his phone on his desk. “his apologies mean nothing to me. if he really meant it, he wouldn’t have done what he did, you know?”

and yes, everyone knows that. the whole smosh games office knows of the breakup and the cheating incident, and now it was almost smosh games versus smosh. except for the exception that everyone was mad at shayne for his decision but they were also trying to comfort him more than damien. you know, due to the fact that damien broke up with shayne.

from beside damien, mari only shrugged as she scrolled through her phone. “i don’t know. we had it planned for a board af with shayne in it but i guess not anymore.” damien nodded. “unless you’re fine with it. if we start shunning him away, the fans will notice. you haven’t exactly been... shy with your tweets.”

damien rolls his eyes as his cheeks go a dark shade of red. “i needed a tiny ranting space. and it didn’t mention names.”

“people can still guess well. i read the replies,” joven yelled from the other side of the room. wes piped in as well, nodding.

this made damien feel worse. everyone already practically knew about shayne and his falling out — but it’s not like they know the reason why things came to be. he only sent out one tweet and all it read was ‘wish your favorite person didn’t go and hurt you’ or something along the lines. was it that obvious?

“put shayne on, i don’t care,” damien mumbles, messing with his fingers. “i just won’t be on the episode then.”

mari groans. “we just told you that it was obvious, damien. that would just make it look even more fishy.”

“i know, i know.” guilt kept washing over him like this was all his fault. “i’ll be on. as long as this isn’t a game with teams or anything.”

joven raised an eyebrow, looking over at mari. it was clear what he meant. “do we tell him?”

“you’ve got to be kidding me,” damien groans, putting his head in his hands. mari reached over and put a hand on his back. 

“it’ll be fine! i won’t be on, but boze and courtney will be there. oh, and i guess joven and wes,” she jokes, making both wes and joven go into a small fight with her, a smile curling up on damien’s face. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

one full tea and two hours later, damien has decided it was bad. he was trying to pay attention to the game but all of a sudden it was difficult.

they put him at the edge of the table, shayne right next to him — all he had was his tea and barely any will to live. jokes come out of his mouth every once in a while but it all feels forced. maybe it hurts more since shayne’s knees keep brushing his leg and the fact that shayne was acting totally okay.

his jokes strewn across the table and the laughter that fell from his lips was twisting damien’s heart like someone wringing out a wet towel and letting the water rain into the sink. his eyebrows furrow as he tries and pays attention to how many more cards he needs.

“...i just,” shayne was saying, staring at damien’s hand which was tapping the table, wondering if that was damien’s tell. 

“call it out or don’t, jackass!” he exclaims, slight anger appearing in his voice, but he quickly gives a breathy laugh so nobody can tell, “god.”

shayne smiles, but behind it damien can tell that what he said hurt shayne. he was just there to enjoy a card game and here damien was making it all ruined. so damien lets a happy laugh fall from his mouth as he puts down another card to pick one up. after a second, shayne does the same and the game continues like nothing ever happened. 

and later, when shayne calls him out for having too much of one card, damien only looks at him for a second. there’s a sparkle in shayne’s eyes, a hint of hope that damien will take him back later, and it only makes damien let a small smile on his face.

joven, being the friend he is, only says, “oh! they’re going to kiss!” and damien can feel boze glaring at shayne and courtney just sitting there. wes is unsure. 

so damien reaches forward and grabs shayne’s face, cards in hand, and connects their lips for a brief second before pulling away and setting the cards that shayne called him out for. the blond has a dazed look on his face — he’s so shaken and confused at what just happened.

“why don’t you... go fuck yourself,” damien laughs, picking up new cards and putting them in his hand.

 


 

the caving walls felt like home. maybe if damien sat here long enough, his soul would leave his body and he could disappear from life, letting everything crumble underneath him. a pain in his head kept knocking every few seconds. 

him kissing shayne was just something he didn’t think about. he was angry — angry at joven for making that comment, about shayne being dumb enough to still direct all his stupid jokes to his face, for them all for putting him right next to shayne. his head spun with such anger and at that moment he just wanted to prove everyone he wasn’t weak. 

don’t get damien wrong, he was still pissed off. his boyfriend of two years cheated on him and put their relationship on the rocks even more. his fingers played with the bottom of his shirt as he thought about it all. 

a promise he made to himself was that he would ignore shayne. he would let him suffer and let damien’s pain flow right into him. but yet, here he was, kissing him with all his body screaming at him not to, loving the feeling but pulling away anyway. 

technically, the whole situation wasn’t his fault. shayne has no good excuse to cheat; there’s no way that there’s a good excuse. and hell, damien didn’t ever want to forgive shayne either because he’s so stubborn and can’t handle ever letting him get away with it. 

beside him, his phone dings, and when he looked at it, a message from the one and only shayne topp sat there. his name still put in as ‘baby boy’ twisted his stomach and he felt everything crumble on top of him. he squeezed his eyes shut, placing his head in his hands as he tried to think it through.

shayne cheated on him. damien left. damien kissed him. damien felt weak. shayne did one thing, and here’s damien, ruining all the rest of it. it hurt to think that you’re constantly at fault, especially when you don’t know what to do.

swimming thoughts in his head approached his eyelids, suggesting to him what he should do and how he should do it. after a minute, they become too much and damien opens his eyes. 

his fingers wrap around his phone as he pulls it up, reading the text quickly. ‘hey, you got a second to talk?’ it reads. damien swipes on the message and opens his phone.

‘i suppose. what’s up,’ he types, and not soon after, shayne is already texting a reply.

‘wanted to know if you are okay. know you didn’t want to do that at the shoot today,’ shayne says, and damien’s breath leaves his body. another message comes through. ‘i feel bad. you didn’t have to do that.’

quickly, damien’s fingers fly across the keyboard, ‘it was an accident i didn’t mean to don’t be mad i just couldn’t let everything get the best of me.’

it’s a whole run on sentence, but damien’s heart is beating so fast that he can’t believe he’s talking to shayne. within a few seconds, his phone is ringing and shayne is calling him.

his finger goes to touch the green button, but his brain screams at him that it’s not worth it. he’s better than this. shayne doesn’t deserve this tiny bit of happiness of getting to talk to damien.

so he lets the call go through before typing a final message to shayne, ‘sorry. can’t.’

and he powers his phone off. as soon as the screen goes black, a breath he didn’t know he was holding comes shaking out past his lips, and he lets his body sort of fall over on his bed and lay against his pillows.

was there really nothing he could do?

 


  

boze had ahold of damien’s hand as she dragged him around the office, stopping to say hi to different people. their last stop was courtney, which damien was thankful for; he needed to talk to her about the phone situation and the kiss situation. boze has no idea about the phone situation. 

 

as soon as they enter the room courtney is in, damien laughs because jango comes running up to them and boze dodges him out of habit, her hand leaving his. damien crouches down to pet courtney’s dog, jango jumping up onto him.

from where she’s sitting, courtney looks up from her phone to see boze and damien. she smiles and says, “hey guys! what’s up?”

“just popping around everywhere to say hi,” boze explains as all of damien’s focus is on jango. “damien said he also needed to talk to you, so. anyway, how are you?”

damien watches as boze takes a seat on the floor right next to courtney, barely touching courtney’s knee with her own. an eyebrow from damien raises as boze sort of scoots closer to the other girl, and they start talking to each other quietly.

he shrugs it off. they can have their own conversations. he looks back at jango who was now laying down, his tail barely wagging as his eyes close. damien grins, petting jango one more time before pulling his phone out of his pocket.

it’s dry. sure, he gets notifications from fans from social media, but he’s not in that mood to answer some. that may come off wrong, but in truth, everyone needs their own time before putting forth all of it to others. he loves their fans dearly, however.

his fingers hover over his keyboard as he tries to send a tweet out, and he finally just goes to his drafts and picks a random one. once it’s tweeted, replies come flooding in. he smiles as he reads over the replies, liking one or two and replying to some. finally, one catches his eye. 

Shayne Topp | @supershayne

This one might be your best one yet.

the replies to him come flooding in and damien’s cheeks go a dark red. is he angry that shayne saw it so fast? or was he happy because it was a compliment to his joke. so, being the angry kid he was, damien replies.

Damien Haas | @DamienHaas

@supershayne It’s been in my drafts for forever. Decided it should be shared to the world. 

maybe to damien the reply has a secret meaning. it screams that maybe people should know what went on between them and acknowledge their falling out. shayne doesn’t reply.

damien groans, turning his phone off and throwing it on the couch beside him. courtney looks up from her conversation with boze, “you okay, dames?”

the nickname makes him want to throw up. he’s so upset. “boze, can i talk to courtney? alone?”

“of course,” boze quickly says, looking over at courtney for a second before standing up. “i’ll be in the smosh games room. stay safe.”

as soon as she exits the room and closes the door, it all comes flooding out of his mouth. he tells courtney about why he kissed shayne, why he texted shayne, why he never answered the call. he told her about the reason why he’s pissed off that shayne replied to him on twitter, why his head is spinning, why the nickname makes him want to throw up. he tells her about the whole fight between them, how he knows he could be the bad guy, about how much he misses shayne. and it hurts him so bad to spill it all out.

courtney listens intently, one hand on his back after she scooted over to comfort him, rubbing circles. damien holds back all his tears, his face growing red as he gestures with his hands. as soon as he finished, he chokes on all that he was holding back, and just lets it all just come forward and flood. he’s so pained and hurt, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

quietly and sweetly, courtney starts, “you can’t blame yourself. he’s the one who threw everything out the window. the reason why you were fighting wasn’t enough to result to cheating.” damien nods frantically, brushing away tears with his hoodie sleeve. courtney frowns. “besides, you kissing him means nothing. you just want everything to be okay, yet it won’t be for a while. you know it was an accident.”

“but i wanted to kiss him. i want him back,” damien whispers. “courtney, i just want to forgive him and be with him again.”

she sighs. “but does he deserve it, damien? does he deserve your forgiveness? has he fought enough to try and be there with you?”

she has a point and damien knows it. he hiccups and shakes his head. “he only ever tries to apologize but never does anything to prove it.”

“there’s your answer,” she says, a sad smile appearing on her lips. “he hasn’t earned your love or forgiveness. maybe he never will. give it another week. if he hasn’t tried, then stop giving him chances to redeem himself.”

he nods again and sniffles. her words float through his head. a week for shayne to redeem himself in the correct way. that didn’t seem so bad. except that damien’s heart was breaking over and over again because he always expect shayne to try harder and all he does is repeat apologies.

as he rubs away his final tears, the door to the room opens and jango jumps up. damien looks over to see shayne entering, his arms holding props that needed putting up. courtney gives damien one last sad smile before whispering, “one week, go,” and standing up to help shayne. 

damien stands up, grabs his phone from the couch, walks right past shayne (who watches him go past him with wide, blue eyes) and leaves the room. a week to let shayne redeem himself.

sounds good. 

 


 

“courtney said i should give him a week to apologize and prove it,” damien tells boze that night while they’re watching a show that they’re both not paying attention to. he’s leaning against the cushions with his eyes pointed at the ceiling and his feet up on the coffee table. “i think she’s right. let him prove that he wants me.”

“i totally agree. don’t just go crawling back to him if he fails, either. he won’t deserve it,” boze answers back, picking at her nails. “can i tell you a secret? and promise not to like.. freak out or anything.”

he nods, “yeah. of course you can.”

taking a deep breath, boze scoots up so she’s on the edge of the couch. “i think i have a crush.”

“on who?” the question is rushed out of his mouth because, god, he’s curious. she’s becoming his very best friend, there for her all the time. he’s curious on who she is liking.

“uh,” she messes with her hand, “it’s a, uh, girl.” it seems like she’s struggling to get it out, and honestly he can understand that. he scoots closer and pulls her into a hug. she hugs him back, smiling against his shoulder, happy she was able to talk.

it’s such a sweet moment for the two. damien can feel his heart swell when boze begins to talk about her crush, and all he does is be an active listener and let her rant and talk about the girl she’s gained feelings for.

at the same time, his mind can’t help but wander to shayne. the night that shayne admitted his feelings for damien, so long ago, and they both caved under the pressure of people pushing them together. it was so bittersweet back then.

it makes damien upset. the person you’ve loved for so long just pushes it all into a hole and says that it’s not worth it. there’s something that makes damien miss when they were just fighting. before it all got out of control. he misses seeing shayne smile and laugh. he misses his bright blue eyes that always held optimism in. 

heartbreaking. 

 


 

the office is strangely silent today. he and boze showed up and she immediately was pulled away by courtney, saying it was for a skit in the new video. but damien saw how boze’s eyes sparkled when her and courtney’s eyes met, and he felt something explode in his chest. this was who she liked.

he trudged to where their office was, and took a seat on a beanbag on the floor. wes was sitting at his desk, some computer game pulled up. he was invested in it. mari wasn’t in, and damien knew by now that joven would be late.

closing his eyes, he lets his thoughts cloud his brain and come to him. the thoughts about finding his way back to shayne, about being someone everyone can look up to— it’s all clouding his brain. he misses himself.

when he opens his eyes, he sees mari walk in, yawning as she sits down at her desk. “mari?” damien says, sitting up. she turns around in her seat to make eye contact.

“what’s up?” she yawns again, placing her head in her hand. she looks drained.

damien frowns. “are you okay? you look super tired,” he tells her, standing up and going to his desk. he hears her sigh before turning to her screen. “sorry if that sounds rude.”

“it’s fine. it’s really nothing, your boyfriend just wouldn’t stop bothering me last night.”

at the mention of ‘boyfriend’, damien’s head shot up as he looked at her with wide eyes. “why was he talking to you? what?”

she groans and sets her head on her desk. “damien, i love you, but i have gotten zero sleep. go ask him yourself, please.”

he furrows his eyebrows. shayne talking to mari? about what? and out of everyone, mari? he barely talks to any of the smosh games cast, not to mention that noah and keith are like his right hand men at best. 

so he stands up again, hurrying out of the office to go find boze. he goes down the hall quickly, glancing in doors as he goes. when he finally reaches the room where he and courtney talked, he looks through the window.

he stumbles away from the door. his eyes stay trained on the sight: boze and courtney kissing, clearly sharing a moment, not something that damien needs to poke his nose in. he’s glad the door is shut because if he had made any noise he would’ve messed up their moment. so he just turns around.

only to bump into shayne, even though he’s shorter than damien. with wide eyes, he backs up, a nervous chuckle playing on his lips, putting his hands up. a frown was on shayne’s face, and it was pure confusing.

“sorry, sorry,” damien breathes out, “went to find boze to just- yeah.” 

“yeah,” shayne says as well, “i was on my way to find you.”

damien chokes on air. “you- what? find me? you sure you want to do that? after what happened?”

everything seems super slow. shayne sighs and reaches forward to grab damien’s wrist, but the brunette pulls away, eyebrows furrowed. he wasn’t going to make this easy for shayne. he didn’t deserve easy.

“damien, please,” shayne is pleading, trying to grab him still, but damien just backs up. “i’m trying to apologize. courtney said i don’t have long before you give up and move on. i don’t want to lose you, damien.”

his words are fast and are like word vomit, washing over damien. “why should i let you? why do you deserve it?”

shayne puts his hands on his face, letting out a heavy sigh. “damien, god, please just let me apologize. i don’t know what else you want. i’m out of ideas. i have nothing. i’ve lost almost everything by now.”

“you’re fine. you have the apartment. your friends. your job. you haven’t lost anything,” damien observes, but shayne only shakes his head and tries to grab damien’s wrist again.

damien lets him.

shayne is out of breath. “no, not that kind of lost. i’ve lost you. and along with you, everyone’s lost respect for me. i realized what i did when you left. as soon as you walked out, i realized i was at fault. it’s not yours. please. give me a second chance, i need you. i’m going insane.”

speechless, damien fights to get words to come out. he’s stopped short when the door opens and boze and courtney come out, making him yank his arm away from shayne. hurt flashes on the blond’s face, and damien can feel tears welling up in his eyes. everything isn’t making sense.

“what happened...?” boze drags out, and damien shakes his head and grabs boze and pulls her away, making her yelp out. “hey! damien, stop,” she threatens as they go. finally, halfway down the hall, she pulls away from him. “i know you’re upset, but you don’t pull me away like that. got it?”

the tears are slipping out of his eyes now. “he tried to apologize. but, boze-“

“-i love you damien, but i can’t help you with everything. make your own decisions,” she tells him slowly, no hint of anger on her tongue. “i can’t help you with every small thing. i know you’re sad and confused but you and he need to sort it out yourselves.”

he only rubs at his eyes like a child, waving her off. “i understand. it’s fine. i’m over him.”

“no. damien, you’re nowhere near over him,” boze puts her hand on his arm. “you’re crazy over him, but your anger is clouding everything else. listen to him. hear what he has to say. think it over. make your choice. that’s all you have to do.”

 


 

much to shayne’s surprise, at two in the morning, his phone is ringing. he answers it, checking the id to see that it is, in fact, damien haas, the man who, technically yesterday, brushed him off and ignored him.

shayne’s voice was covered in sleep as he answered, “hey, what’s up?” he rolls into a sitting position, rubbing at his eyes to make the sleep go away. from the otherside, he can hear damien lightly laugh.

“i can tell you’re tired. i can always call back tomorro-“

“no!” shayne interjects. “i’m fully awake. you want to talk about anything? i’m here to listen,” and it’s genuine and sweet.

damien is laying on boze’s guest bed, the sound of the tv downstairs lightly hitting his ears. boze should be asleep right now, and he didn’t want to bother her with asking for advice. especially now. everyone is tired of shayne and damien’s fighting.

“i, um, i wanted to hear what you had to say about the whole situation. i’m sorry for what happened a few hours ago; but i’m here now.” a nervous chuckle comes from damien as he brushes his hair away with his fingers. “here to listen.

“ah.” shayne yawns to himself. “seriously, dames, it’s okay if you don’t want to get back with me. i’m not angry at you. never at you. i just thought i was because of how mad i was at myself.”

his words send a sense of relief into damien’s brain as he clutches the phone tighter. so shayne knew that damien didn’t cause it. he knew that damien was just broken, right?

“i don’t deserve another chance, everyone including myself in the office knows that,” he continues to damien, focusing on his blanket. “what i did has no excuses. i shouldn’t have said to you the things i did. and there’s no way i should have, you know, cheated. but i’m trying to fix it and even if we just end up as friends, that’s okay. i don’t want to lose the bond i have with you just because i fucked up.”

damien nods even though shayne can’t see it. “you know, i miss you,” damien’s voice cracks. god, he’s been on the edge of tears for days now. “i keep wanting to cry and crawl back to you but... i always told myself ‘he doesn’t deserve it’ and that i was also the one who messed up. and maybe i did.”

“you didn’t. really, dames,” shayne reassures. his voice is soft and calm, like he knows that this is breaking damien more and more as time goes on. “what do you say we start over. as friends. we can hang out again, stay at this apartment, and i’ll be in the guest room. we can be nothing more unless that’s what you want.”

it’s sincere and damien knows it. but he doesn’t want to start over. they built and built it all up from their friendship once, why waste doing it again? yet, there’s the fear of shayne hurting him again in the future, throwing it all away again.

damien breathes in. “i don’t want to start over.”

“...you, you uh, you don’t?” and he can tell how scared shayne is getting. that damien could reject it all. that damien could tell shayne he doesn’t want to be near him or talk to him ever again.

“no. i want to pick up where we left off.” shayne sighs in relief. “but, but, but, but- no more of what happened. don’t make me regret following my heart instead of my brain.”

they both fall silent, and after a few seconds have passed, shayne responds, “you won’t regret it.”

 


 

damien regretted it.

he hates how shayne is basically babying him. making sure that every small thing he did didn’t make damien break. and just that was going to make damien explode, the blond was on his final nerve. he didn’t think he could handle it anymore.

for example, before shayne put his arm around damien, he went, “you’re fine with this, right? do you want me to move away?” and damien just gritted his teeth because this was the twentieth time in the last hour.

“yes, shayne. it’s okay.” he muttered, closing his eyes and rolling them into the back of his head. he was going insane with this. he wanted to reach for shayne’s shoulders and shake him until all his common sense came back into his head. all damien could do was grit his teeth, roll his eyes, and ball his fists up.

the two were literally standing at the office. that morning when boze saw damien standing hand in hand with shayne, she winked. damien only glared and gestured out how he was annoyed, and all she did was shrug.

shayne was treating him like he was fragile. made sure he didn’t walk up and down any stairs. if damien even got slightly annoyed, shayne would calm him down and treat him like a child. it felt like standing on the edge of a cliff ready to be pushed off.

it was finally the last straw when shayne went to reach for his hand and went, “sorry for before. can i hold your hand, perhaps?”

damien finally exploded. it wasn’t his fault; shayne was causing him so much stress and anger in his head. “listen, shayne, we already apologized. please, stop asking me over and over again if you can touch me.”

his fingers are wrapped around shayne’s wrist and his eyes have a deadlock on shayne’s as well. he can see every inch of blue in his eyes, like an ocean or a beautiful day sky. shayne blinks once before nodding slowly and damien drops his arm.

“okay,” he whispers. “sorry for exploding, shayne.”

shayne looks away for a second before shrugging. “it’s okay. don’t worry, dames. you want things back to normal, not weird and out of character.”

it’s true. hearing your favorite person ask permission for something else every five minutes is annoying — even if they mean well. damien wants to have shayne holding his hand constantly and to be pressing new kisses against his lips and to feel butterflies to fill his stomach. 

just breathe. in and out. look him in the eyes and say something. tell him you love him. tell him you’re not angry. tell him you miss him.

so he does.