Right. Okay. Everyone prepare yourselves. This is it. This is the one. With this baby, I will finally bring my nemesis, Captain Hammer, to his knees. Behold! My newest invention: The De-Muscle-izer.
Get it? It's a muscle neutralizer. It makes you weak...er. It de... um... de-muscles people.
Well, anyway, I'm still working on the name. But that's beside the point, because this is it. Once I rob Captain Hammer of his only asset... (no, I meant his strength, his super-human strength, get your minds out of the gutter, people) ...then getting into the League will be a no-brainer. I'll be a shoo-in.
So, here's the plan. Tomorrow, Captain Hammer is accepting the key to the city and doing a special autograph session with all of his fans. (Fans? Ha! More like brainless morons begging for any scrap of attention he shows them. Pathetic.) All I have to do is blend in with the starry-eyed Hammerites until I can get close enough to use the Anti-Muscle Ray on him.
Ooh, Anti-Muscle Ray. I like that. It has a nice ring to it.
Once I have him in range, it's one shot and then he's as helpless as... well, as helpless as all of us regular folk, I guess.
So there you have it, loyal viewers. Tomorrow is the day I finally bring down Captain Hammer. Tomorrow, I'll show the world (I'll show her) that I'm a true villain. Tomorrow is the day everything changes. And why is that? Because I'm Dr. Horrible... and horrible is just what the doctor ordered.
Right, so, the Anti-Muscle Ray is out. At least for now.
I went to the autograph session and posed as a fan, but someone must've tipped him off because Captain Hammer spotted me. He crushed the Anti-Muscle Ray into dust before I could even get off a shot.
And then he punched me in the face.
Ow. I guess that's still a little tender.
But not to worry, because I am onto bigger and better things. The Anti-Muscle Ray is old news, people.
So what's the new news, you ask? Well, my friends, I have two words for you: Trans. Matter. Ray. Or is that three words? Anyway, the Trans-Matter Ray. It transports things through, well... through space, sort of. Think of it like a fax machine, only for a lot more than just paper. I'm talking money, goods, people, whatever I want, instantly transported to my lair.
I mean, sure, this is all still pretty theoretical at this point, but it's an up-n-comer, all right. The Trans-Matter Ray. Coming soon to a bank heist near you.
Meanwhile, we have some new emails! Let's see... the first one's from bad2dabone.
"Dear Dr. Horrible,
Yesterday you introduced the Anti-Muscle Ray on your blog, but I call shenanigans! What happened to your Super Strength Ray? For weeks now, it's all you've been able to talk about. You'd go on and on about how it was going to make you stronger than Captain Hammer himself, and now all of a sudden it's 'anti-muscles' this and 'de-muscles' that. What gives?"
Okay, so, um... the Super Strength Ray had a few... um... glitches. It um... and then I, ah...
You know, I don't really want to talk about it right now.
This one's from somebody named Johnny Snow. It reads...
"Dear Dr. Horrible,
The day has come for you to meet your match. I, Johnny Snow, vow to topple your nefarious crime enterprise and bring you into the hands of justice..."
Blah, blah, blah... another nutjob hero-wannabe with delusions of grandeur. Pfft! Yeah, because that's exactly what this world needs.
Look, people, when are you going to realize that the system isn't working? The world is broken, and it's gonna take more than some yahoo in a pair of tights to fix it.
This is the day of the super villain, when brains will win out over brawn, and the power will shift to a new pair of hands.
Hopefully, you know, my hands, but anyway...
So, that's my happy thought for the day, and also my final one. It's time for this doctor to get back to work. Brilliant evil plots don't just hatch themselves, after all.
Well, my work on the Trans-Matter Ray is coming along. I'm still working out a few errors in my formulas, but I think I'm close to a breakthrough.
Meanwhile, I'm still working on my application to the League, but I think it's coming along quite nicely. This is going to be my year. I can feel it. The Feed Store Incident really put me on the map, villainly-speaking.
And, I saved the biggest news for last. This, my friends, is my latest invention. Hot off the presses, kiddos; you heard it here first. The Personality Transmogrifier! This one is truly twisted. You see, if you're a good, decent, person, this little gadget will make you evil. If you're generous, it'll make you miserly. And if you happen to be a giant, muscle-bound bully who enjoys ruining all of my well made plans with that smug grin as he flies off in the HamJet after dislocating my shoulder, and he didn't even give me a lift to the hospital, I had to walk nine blocks, and he calls himself a good guy, puh-lease, why I oughta...
Where was I? Oh, yes, the Personality Transmogrifier. Which will, should everything go according to plan, turn Captain Hammer into a pathetic little cry-baby who's so busy sucking his thumb and being afraid of his own shadow that he'll have no time left over to devote to wrecking all of my inventions. (Which, when you think about it, is pretty inconsiderate. It's not like Shrink-Rays grow on trees, you know. These things cost money.)
So day-after-tomorrow, at the big Hammer Luncheon, that's when I'll make my move. Finally, I'll be rid of Captain Hammer for good.
Note to self, the formula for Personality Transmogrifier needs a little fine-tuning. Apparently I didn't account for superhuman invulnerability, and this made the change temporary instead of permanent. Just as I was enjoying a nice bit of monologuing after my victory, the effects wore off. (Note to self number 2, next time forgo the monologuing.)
Apparently the major side effect of having a personality adjustment for a few minutes is uncontrollable anger. Not only did Captain Hammer destroy my Transmogrifier, but he took great pleasure in beating me up. Repeatedly. There was even a break for posed pictures. No less than five major newspapers had reporters at the Hammer Luncheon, too. I take it the story made the front page, since several of my readers have kindly emailed me digital copies of the article for my website. (Gee, wasn't that swell of them?)
I hope this doesn't set me back with the League.
I hope she didn't see the papers this morning.
So, the Trans-Matter Ray. I've made some real progress there. I should be ready for a field test soon. Stay tuned for more details.
I've also got something new in the works. It could be my biggest invention yet. The Freeze Ray. Folks, this might be the one. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it. It's still in the development stages now, but trust me, it's gonna be big.
Ah hahahaha. Ah ha haaaa. A haaaa.
So that's, you know... coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach. Strengthening the "ahhaa." A lot of guys ignore the laugh, and that's about standards...