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Self confidence

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Sometimes Spencer wondered how his life had become like this. He was intelligent – that was out of question – but other? He wasn’t sporty, he wasn’t overall social and he had hard times with emotions and reading other people’s feelings and intentions.

“What are you thinking about, pretty boy?” Derek handed him a cup of coffee, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Nothing in particular,” Spencer lied. He didn’t want to talk with Derek about his fears and worries. In the end he had never been good with trusting people. And he couldn’t trust Derek in particular. Why? Because he had feelings he didn’t understand himself for Derek. He knew the other would be more than concerned when he’d know about Spencer’s sorrows, and he didn’t want to worry Derek.

Derek shrugged, but he scanned Spencer properly – he could feel his eyes resting on him. He didn’t believe that everything was okay with Spencer – but he didn’t say something in the end and walked up to his office. Spencer took a deep breathe. At least for now he didn’t need to explain something.


“Do you understand that, baby girl?” Derek asked. He sat in Garcia’s nerd cave, a coffee and cupcake in his hands. He didn’t eat sweets often, but today he had the feeling to need it – to really need it.

Garcia turned to him, her mesmerizing smile covering her face. “My chocolate Adonis, maybe he has just a bad day?”

Derek shook his head. “No, it’s different.” He leaned back. “I don’t know him being like this.”

Garcia typed something on her computer, not looking at Derek – which was more than suspicious for Derek. “What do you know?”

“Nothing.” Her voice became a little higher than usual.

“You are the worst lie ever – tell me,” he said again getting closer to Garcia with his chair.

She sighed. “I told him I am not good with keeping secrets, but he wanted to talk with me.” Garcia pushed her glasses up her nose and turned to face Derek. Her eyes were moving nervously. “Listen, he isn’t the most confident person on earth – except when it’s about being intelligent.”

“What do you mean?” Derek wanted to know.

“Seems you aren’t the cleverest one here,” Garcia chuckled.

“Hey,” Derek complained, but smiled. He knew Garcia wouldn’t hurt him with her words.

“Listen, my dark chocolate, he is confident about his brain.” She pointed at her head. “But when it’s about his body or strength, he is insecure like hell.”

Derek crossed his arms. He was insecure? “He can beat us all with his brain, he knows that, right?”

Garcia rolled his eyes. “Yeah, of course, but his brain doesn’t help much in the field.”

“Bullshit.” Derek got a little louder. “He has the most important ideas for us, and he has the ability to combine things like no one else.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t help him with his muscle strength,” Garcia said.

“Don’t tell me that this is the only reason he is acting like that recently?” Derek stunned. This wasn’t Reid-like. He had never cared about such things ever before.

“Yeahhhhhhhh,” Garcia said slowly.

“Spit it out, Baby girl.”

“He maybe, just maybe is insecure about his social ability because maybe, just maybe, he develops feelings he isn’t aware of,” Garcia answered.

Derek gulped. Did that mean… “He is in love?” He smiled.

Garcia nodded. “And he’ll kill me if he finds out about this talk here.”

“Who is it?” Derek patted Garcia’s knee.

“No, no, no, I can’t say it. You have to find out on your own.” With that she turned to the computer and started typing, ignoring Derek’s tries to make her talk.

“I will find out, you know?” He said before he stood up to leave.

“Good luck, my Adonis,” she said without turning to him.


Spencer put two spoonful of sugar in his coffee and started mixing it. He was still lost in his thoughts. He winced when he felt someone stepping to him. Out of thousands he would recognize Derek. “Hey, what’s up?” Spencer tried sounding like everything was like always.

“That’s what I wanted to ask you?” Derek said with a smile. Oh no, he had guessed something. And Spencer didn’t know what to answer.

“Everything alright.” He brushed his hair. He knew Derek immediately recognized that something was off. “Okay, I am a little stressed, because my physical test comes up, and you know about my sportiness.” It wasn’t all a lie, but it wasn’t the complete truth either.

“Hm, I can help you if you want,” Derek suggested.

Spencer laughed out. “You? No thank you.” He would never ever let Derek train him.

Derek would most probably kill him with his training methods. And Spencer didn’t want to become muscular like Derek. He wasn’t this type after all. “Do you think I can’t do that?” Derek wanted to know.

“Oh, I am pretty sure that you can train me, but I am also pretty sure to die,” Spencer answered.

Derek cocked his head. His eyes rested on Spencer and Spencer felt uneasy. “Pretty boy, talk to me.” His voice sounded softer and more worried than before and Spencer could feel a knot forming in his throat.

“About what?”

Derek brushed Spencer’s forehead to put a hair strand back. He immediately drew back, when Spencer looked at him astonished. His skin felt like on fire where Derek had touched him. Derek swallowed visibly before he smiled at Spencer. “You aren’t feeling well, and I want to know what goes on in your enormous brain.”

“Nothing…,” he made a pause. “Okay, I don’t feel well, because…I don’t know.” Spencer had only talked with Garcia once about it, because he had the feeling that she was the only one understanding him. She wasn’t made for the field either, and he knew she understood his worries. “Oh,” he suddenly said. “Garcia couldn’t keep quiet, right?” It was obvious, but he wasn’t mad with her, because deep inside he had already guessed that she would talk with Derek about it.

“You know her,” Derek said with a smile. “Why do you think that you aren’t made for this?” Derek asked. “You are brilliant out there, because not everything is based on being fast or strong.”

Spencer sighed. “I know. It’s just…seeing you handling things makes me feel wrong placed.”

Now Derek laughed. “Kid, what do you think we feel when it’s about intelligence and combining things?”

Spencer bit his lower lip and wrinkled his nose, like he always did when he thought about something. “Maybe you are right,” he finally said.

“See.” Derek patted his shoulder. “Everything is alright.”

No. It wasn’t everything alright. There was still this stinging pain inside Spencer every time Derek touched him or talked with him – but he couldn’t talk about that. He knew it would cause troubles to the whole team, and he definitely wanted to avoid that. And beside that, Derek would definitely go for someone similar to him, and not to someone who was not able to handle social things well.

“Oh.” Derek leaned closer to Spencer. “And you said you aren’t good with social things?”

“Garcia,” Spencer whined.

“Spencer,” Derek said with a low voice. It made goose bumps appear on Spencer’s skin. Derek hardly ever called him by his name. “You are good with social things. What makes you believe that it isn’t like this?”

“I can’t touch people. I can’t understand most feelings others have, and I think I am not able to show love.” He meant what he had said from the bottom of his heart. And he knew he sounded desperate.

“Pretty boy, open your eyes.” Derek knelt in front of him, his hands resting on Spencer’s knees. Luckily they were alone right now, because Spencer didn’t need any other comment about this weird situation. “You have a family here, and you care about us with so much love.” Derek brushed his leg. “Henry is the luckiest godson because you take care of him and you do a great job doing this. JJ is your best friend, and you took her in your arms when she felt blue – without anyone telling you to do this. You came up with movies and popcorn when I had to deal with my past, and even though you aren’t a big talker, you listen. And you come up with distractions and actions which are Spencer-like, but we all know what you want to say with it. We all appreciate the way you tell us that you love us.”

Spencer had never seen it like this. He tried his best to care about his friends, but he wasn’t always sure if they understood it like this. “You recognized it?”

“Of course.” Derek nodded. “But one thing I don’t get.”


“Why you avoid me since weeks?” Derek asked.

Spencer’s heartbeat increased. “Well, I guess I am afraid.” He decided to be honest.

“About what?”

Spencer took another deep breathe. “You know, I am afraid of my own feelings.” He could see Derek’s eyes getting smaller till he pulled his eyebrows up and a loud ‘oh wow’ escaped his lips. Spencer awaited him to step away from him, but Derek stayed in place, his hands still on Spencer’s thighs.

“Pretty boy,” he said. Spencer knew this voice. It was an ‘I am sorry, but I can’t reply your feelings’ voice.

“I know. I know.” Spencer lay his hand on Derek’s. “It’s okay that you don’t feel same. I just felt like bursting, I couldn’t hold it back anymore.”

Spencer could see Derek looking around nervously. He had hardly seen him nervous, but now he was sure that Derek was. There was no one in the BAU at this time, except them and Garcia, who was in her cave and wouldn’t come out any time soon. Derek looked at him again and moved his hand to intertwine his fingers with Spencer’s who still had his hand on Derek’s. “Who said I don’t feel same?”

“Derek?” Spencer asked.

Derek moved closer and brushed his hand over Spencer’s cheek before he placed a kiss on his lips. “Guess you are terribly wrong this time, my intelligent boy,” he chuckled.

Spencer blinked. His mind went blank for a moment, but then he smiled. “I don’t like being wrong – but I guess this time I can accept it.”