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The Tea and Sympathy Alternative

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Leonard was lying face down on the couch, his feet in Sheldon's spot. Not this again.
 
"Leonard, are you sleeping?"
 
He heard a muffled no.
 
"Are you ill?"
 
Leonard rolled on his side and tucked his legs up so he was no longer touching Sheldon's spot.
 
"Thank you, Leonard."
 
Sheldon sat down at his computer to check his e-mail but he had a nagging feeling he should say something else to Leonard. Friendship was a never ending series of mine fields and social expectations.
 
"Are you sad, Leonard?"
 
Leonard gave a half shrug.
 
"Are you sad because Penny won't be your girlfriend anymore?"
 
Leonard laughed which seemed like an odd response. Perhaps it was a "bitter" laugh.
 
"Do you want me to console you?"
 
"How would you console me?"
 
"I could make you some tea, say 'there, there', offer a myriad of cliches regarding the abundance of women in the world who are available for coitus. Perhaps I could bolster your self-esteem with compliments."
 
Leonard wasn't smiling but his eyes were crinkling in the corners as though he were and he said, "Compliments. I want compliments."
 
Sheldon looked at his roommate and thought.
 
"If you have to think too long, you take the consolation out of the compliments," reprimanded Leonard.
 
"Your intelligence well exceeds the norm. You are employed by the finest physics program in the country. You are capable of attracting women who would be considered by most to be 'out of your league'. You are valued by your friends. You are an attentive and safe driver."
 
Leonard was laughing, "Thank you, Sheldon. You're a good friend."
 
Sheldon was glad he had cheered up his roommate and glad to be told he was a good friend, though he wasn't sure why he cared.
 
 
 
A week later Leonard went on a date and when he returned, he flopped face down on the couch.
 
"Leonard?"
 
Leonard mumbled "sorry" into the cushion as he pulled up his legs.
 
"Can I assume you failed to score?"
 
"There was no scoring."
 
"Did she find you tedious and unattractive? Was she repulsed by your stench of desperation?" Sheldon felt a wave of dread, "Did you tell her you're a Leibniz man?"
 
"We didn't talk about calculus. Somehow it never came up."
 
"Well, for your sake, I'm glad. As your friend, I am accustomed to your wacky theories and idiosyncrasies. You can't expect such tolerance from people you've just met."
 
"I'm lucky to have a friend so accepting of and patient with my personality quirks."
 
He gave Leonard a stiff and awkward pat on the shoulder, "There, there, Leonard. You always have me to accept you. Even when it feels like every other living creature has rejected you and found you lacking."
 
"That really means a lot to me, Sheldon."
 
"Of course, it does."
 
 
 
"Even his hair looks sad, like it doesn't have the energy to curl anymore," mused Raj over lunch.
 
"I think he's gotten shorter," added Howard.
 
"That might be due to his flaccid hair," was Sheldon's contribution.
 
Leonard looked up from his plate of untouched food long enough to glare at his friends, "Thank you for being so supportive."
 
"You're welcome..."
 
"Sarcasm, Sheldon!"
 
 
 
"Howard believes you need to engage in coitus to get out of your current state of listlessness."
 
Leonard was face down on the couch, he raised his feet so Sheldon could join him on the couch.
 
"Leonard, your shoes are in my face, it's making me uncomfortable."
 
Leonard turned on his side and pulled his knees to his chest.
 
"Is Howard correct? Would coitus improve your dour mood?"
 
Leonard sighed, "You wouldn't understand."
 
"Have you been unable to masturbate?"
 
"Not the same thing."
 
"No, it's much quicker, more efficient and doesn't require exchanging bodily fluids or submitting yourself to tedious social protocols."
 
"There's also no intimacy, no human connection, no expression of caring..."
 
"Exactly, it's better than coitus in every way."
 
Leonard dragged himself to a sitting position and scooted himself towards the other end of the couch, allowing plenty of room between them. Sheldon was grateful for the distance. He found Leonard's presence more tolerable than most but he liked to keep a healthy two arm lengths between himself and others whenever possible.
 
"Sheldon, when a man and a woman really care about each other..."
 
"I already got this lecture in college."
 
"When two people are intimate... it's more than just stimulating genitals in an effort to reach orgasm. Well... most of the time there's more to it than that."
 
"I recently read that lubricating mucus produced by both male and female genitalia differs in quantity based on the necessity involved in the sex act being performed..."
 
"Let's just end this conversation on 'lubricating mucus'."
 
"There are women who engage in sexual activities for money. If you need a loan..."
 
"No hookers!"
 
"Perhaps if we explained your situation to Penny..."
 
"She will punch the lubricating mucus out of you."
 
"Perhaps you should take a shower."
 
"How will that help?'
 
"Good hygiene can only improve your chances of engaging in coitus."
 
Leonard pushed himself off the couch, "If any women come here looking for coitus, tell them I'm in the shower."
 
"And while you're in there, you can take the time to masturbate."
 
"God dammit."
 
"What's wrong, Leonard?"
 
"I was planning to until you mentioned it. Now it would be weird."
 
"Don't be silly. There are still some scented candles in there. Create a romantic mood for yourself."
 
Leonard's response was both rude and a physical impossibility.
 
Sheldon sat down at his laptop and started doing research.
 
 
 
When the shower shut off, Sheldon felt well-informed enough to put his plan of action into place. Leonard walked out of the bathroom wearing a robe and drying his hair with a towel.
 
"Did any women come looking for a clean man to have sex with?"
 
"If they did, I imagine your negative attitude would have sent them away."
 
He could tell his roommate hadn't engaged in self-pleasuring. After seven years, he could spot the signs but at Leonard's insistence, he had ceased mentioning them.
 
Leonard headed towards his bedroom, Sheldon finished one last article before following. Proper preparation prevents poor performance.
 
He opted not to knock before entering, he didn't want to engage in a lengthy and tedious conversation. His bed time was in half an hour.
 
Leonard had just untied his robe and was in the process of, quite literally, disrobing when Sheldon entered.
 
"What the hell?"
 
Leonard scrambled to pull his robe back in place, he had not yet put on his boxer shorts which were currently laying on his bed with a tee-shirt. That was one less thing for Sheldon to worry about.
 
"Why are you in my room? Why didn't you kno..."
 
He pulled the smaller man into his arms and kissed him. He hadn't done much kissing in his life but he'd done his research. Leonard kept his mouth closed even as Sheldon ran his tongue over his roommate's lips. Perhaps Leonard was concerned about germs?
 
"I brushed my teeth and gargled thoroughly," Sheldon assured his friend before moving in for another kiss.
 
"Why are you..."
 
Sheldon was able to get his tongue in Leonard's mouth while he was speaking. He tasted like Listerine. The antiseptic taste was making the whole process less disturbing. He ran his tongue along Leonard's as he moved one hand from Leonard's waist towards the opening in his robe.
 
Leonard pulled away again, "What is going on? Have you been drinking caffeine?"
 
Sheldon kept his friend's small frame pressed to his own and kissed along his jawline while he insisted (as per usual) on meaningless chit chat. He worked one hand into Leonard's robe and closed his fingers around the semi-erect member. Leonard hissed.
 
"We're engaging in coitus, Leonard. I would have thought you'd recognize the signs."
 
"I guess the question..." Leonard gripped Sheldon's shirt, he was hardening exponentially in Sheldon's hand, "is why?"
 
He pulled his roommate's robe off and hung it on the door so it would dry wrinkle free. Now Leonard was wearing nothing but his glasses and a confused expression.  Sheldon took the glasses as well. Leonard was squinting at him and awkwardly trying to cover himself with his hands. Sheldon found his friend strangely appealing in his compromised position.
 
"You've been moping for weeks."
 
"I'm always moping, you've never stuck your tongue down my throat before."
 
"I was French kissing you. It's customary during foreplay."
 
Sheldon reached out to embrace his friend and finish bringing him to orgasm but Leonard was being oddly skittish.
 
"I know what foreplay is! I don't know why you are suddenly all over me when you can't stand to have my feet on your cushion."
 
"I can hardly bring you to orgasm without touching you. Why are you making this so difficult? We could be done by now."
 
Leonard was trying to find his robe, Sheldon caught him by the hands and asked again, "Why are you being so difficult?"
 
"Shelly... I honestly appreciate what you're trying to do here but giving me a handjob isn't going to make me any less mopey. I'll get over it when I get over it. Now please help me to stop being naked."
 
Sheldon was trying to work it out. Leonard was aroused. He wanted to engage in coitus. Why was he resisting the obvious solution to his problem?
 
"Are you uncomfortable with acts of homosexuality?"
 
"It's not that."
 
"Are you concerned you might have to reciprocate my actions?"
 
"Of course not."
 
"Do you believe..."
 
"I don't want a pity fuck! Or a pity handjob or a pity French kiss..."
 
Sheldon wrapped his arms around Leonard and hugged him. He tried to relax, hugging had never come naturally to him. He should have anticipated that Leonard would insist on making coitus into an emotional display. This was going to be a little more challenging than his original plan of action but Sheldon was feeling confident. Of all the people Sheldon had ever known outside his immediate family, he found Leonard to be the least physically repulsive.
 
"Sheldon..."
 
"Shut up, I'm concentrating."
 
Leonard laughed and returned his hug, his erection pressing against Sheldon's thigh.
 
"I like this, Leonard. I don't like how I have to bend over because you are so short but I like the way your skin feels. I like the way you smell."
 
"Um, thanks."
 
He kissed Leonard again on the lips.  This time he waited for Leonard's tongue to reach out to his.
 
His bed time was fast approaching. He was going to have to speed things up.
 
This time when he wrapped his fingers around Leonard's erection, his roommate didn't pull away. Instead he moaned into Sheldon's mouth and moved his hips in time to Sheldon's rhythm.
 
It was pleasant. He took one of Leonard's hands and placed it over his own aching erection. He held the hand and moved it just the way he wanted it. Leonard was right, it was better to have someone else do this. It was almost too stimulating and he wasn't ready to orgasm yet. He placed Leonard's hand back on his arm.
 
He decided to explore some more of Leonard's body, specifically his hind quarters. He'd often observed the pleasing shape of his roommate's backside and, with his new habit of lying face down on the couch almost daily, he had plenty of time to admire. It was a nice shape, firm but pliant. He slid his fingers into the cleft, found that ring of muscle. Leonard dug his fingers into Sheldon's arms as he explored.
 
"Sheldon..." Leonard was mumbling into his mouth as the kissed.
 
He slid his finger in just a little while quickening the pace of his other hand. He seemed to be supporting the smaller man's weight at this point and his back was hurting. He steered Leonard to the bed. Once he was lying on his back, Sheldon pushed his legs apart.
 
"Do you have lubricant available?"
 
"Um... yeah. Top drawer. Condoms, too." Leonard looked tense. Nervous, perhaps? It was so hard to tell, Leonard seemed to have so many emotions.
 
Sheldon laid down next to his friend so he could continue to kiss him when he felt so inclined as he worked his fingers inside, stretching and relaxing the muscles. He watched the way Leonard's face contorted with pleasure, listened to the agonized panting. He could see the validity of Leonard's earlier argument. It was gratifying and arousing to watch someone derive pleasure from your actions. Unhygienic yes but Leonard was freshly showered...
 
"Okay, Sheldon. Okay. Please. Now."
 
"Are you asking me to penetrate you?"
 
"Yes, please."
 
He certainly wanted to reinforce Leonard's polite behavior, so he moved quickly.
 
He had applied condoms before out of curiosity but this was his first time actually having penetrative sex. First he had to undress while Leonard whined for him not to fold each piece of clothing. As though the brief amount of time it took to care for his clothing would somehow diminish the sexual experience. He chastised Leonard and encouraged him to remember the old adage, "Patience is a virtue." Leonard's response was rude and seemed inappropriate considering their current circumstances. If this was his idea of pillow talk, no wonder he was alone.
 
Once he was naked and certain he had put the condom on right, he applied a healthy amount of lubricant and moved between his best friend's spread legs. Lifting the legs onto his shoulders, he lined himself up and began his entrance (as suggested in the forum he visited). Leonard let out a stream of obscenities until Sheldon began a steady thrust that seemed to make his partner loose his grasp of the English language. Leonard went pre-verbal. Unfortunately, the tight muscle was too stimulating and he couldn't block out the obscene noises. This wasn't going to work, at all. Time for plan B.
 
"Leonard, I'm not going to be able to delay my orgasm long enough to make this satisfying for either of us..."
 
"Why did you stop? Don't stop! Why are you pulling out. No."
 
He laid on his back and pulled Leonard on top of him. His roommate finally caught up. It took some effort for Leonard to lower himself all the way down but it was well worth it for both of them. Sheldon was now able to more fully enjoy his partner's physique. He was small but nicely proportioned. Handsome with his hair mussed and his glasses across the room. The high color in his cheeks and spreading across his chest was especially alluring. The awkwardness of the position allowed Sheldon to stave off his orgasm although he was forced to think about baseball no less than five times (much to his dismay).
 
"You're doing very well, Leonard."
 
A mop of curls dropped to his chest and he heard a muffled voice say, "Thanks."
 
He thrust his hips and Leonard was back up in a shot and riding Sheldon hard. He was beginning to understand Penny's use of rodeo terms in the bedroom. Leonard was refraining from yelling but he was mumbling and groaning and sweating profusely. He squeezed and kneaded those shapely cheeks as Leonard moved up and down. Sheldon gave his friend's erection a lazy caress and Leonard whimpered. That was nice. He did it again.
 
"Oh, Shel, Shelly..."
 
He kept up the lazy strokes until he felt his orgasm becoming inevitable. He pulled Leonard off his waist and off his erection and toppled him onto the bed. Plan C.
 
"What? What are we... okay." Leonard was on his hands and knees. He was getting better at following Sheldon's lead. If he could just get past that irritating need to ask questions...
 
He was able to sink in easily this time and immediately begin thrusting forcefully. This wasn't going to last long. He wrapped his hand around Leonard's penis and stroked it as he entered him over and over again. When Leonard's body tensed in orgasm, his seed spilling over Sheldon's hand, Sheldon gave three more thrusts and climaxed into that unfathomable heat with groan. He was shocked by the difference in intensity from his usual orgasm. There was something about the combination of physical activity, the hormonal stimulation of a partner and the effort put in to delay orgasm that made the final result astonishingly potent. His body felt weak and rubbery.
 
He took his time pulling out, making sure he had a good grip on the condom which he tied off and tossed in Leonard's wastebasket. He then washed his hands with the antibacterial soap he kept in Leonard's room for emergencies. He was now up well past his bedtime and he needed another shower.
 
Leonard was curled up on his side. Oh no. Still?
 
"Are you still sad?"
 
Leonard gave him a squinty smile, "No. I'm pretty content."
 
Sheldon laid back down on the sweaty, semen stained sheets... well, he was on the clean dry part but he was adjacent to sweat and semen... He wrapped an arm around his friend's waist and pressed his chest to Leonard's back. He kissed a freckled shoulder.
 
"You don't have to cuddle, Sheldon, I know you are dying for a shower."
 
He was almost certain Leonard was "being polite" so he stayed in place and waited for Leonard to continue talking.
 
"Um... thanks. Thank you for...doing that. I know it's not something you... are into..."
 
"I enjoyed myself immensely. I have underestimated the potential pleasures of coitus."
 
Leonard snuggled back into Sheldon's chest, Sheldon's member was pressed against the cleft of his roommates buttocks. "That was pretty amazing for me."
 
"Good. I'm glad. I like it when you are happy."
 
"And I like it when you are happy."
 
"Would you be interested in making this carnal aspect of our relationship a regular occurrence?"
 
"I'm not sure what you are asking..."
 
"I don't know how to make it any clearer."
 
"Are you suggesting we be best friends and roommates who have sex or are you proposing a romantic entanglement?"
 
"What would be the difference?"
 
Leonard took his time answering, "I guess I don't really know."
 
"Which option do you prefer?"
 
"I'm not sure."
 
"Let me know when you reach a decision and we'll adjust the roommate agreement accordingly."
 
Leonard craned his neck to kiss Sheldon on the mouth, "I'll get back to you ASAP".
 
Sheldon looked at the clock, he needed sleep. He needed a shower first. Then warm milk. Then he'd have to brush his teeth again. He would cuddle for fifteen minutes, that would surely satisfy Leonard's emotional needs.
 
Unfortunately, fifteen minutes allowed Sheldon just enough recovery time (pressed against Leonard's naked body) to be forced to delay his shower by yet another hour.