Sheldon is eating spaghetti. Apparently his idea of foreplay. Leonard has three lists in his hand.
Sheldon is down with open mouth kissing (no tongue), mutual masterbation, frottage (clothing optional) and he is willing to receive but not perform oral sex (big surprise there). Oh, and Sheldon was fine with being on the recieving end of anal sex. Naturally, he wouldn't want a tongue in his mouth but that was...
He's a crazy person.
Sheldon MIGHT be willing to allow French kissing, he might consider performing fellatio upon negotiation. Ditto being the "pitcher". If Leonard wanted his semen to touch any part of Sheldon's body, they had to agree on the location ahead of time. All orafices were out, including ears and nostrils. Good thing that was clarified. Leonard had really been looking forward to shooting his load up the lanky physicist's nose, Good thing he knew it was off the table. That would have been awkward.
The best was the "Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner list". No orgies or "trains". No weapons or cross dressing. No animals. No pins in urethras. No bukkake.
"Sheldon, this list is insane! You are a crazy person!"
"Now, you know that simply isn't true. My mother had me tested."
"Recently? Where did you come up with this stuff?"
"On the internet. Hence the first item on the list. No acts of a sexual nature will be recorded and uploaded to the internet."
Sheldon ate his spaghetti with halcyon grace and sipped his wine like... like a guy that sipped wine.
Then Sheldon poured more wine into his glass. Leonard had been drinking straight from that bottle.
Sheldon eyed the glass warily. A glass that held wine and Leonard cooties. Clearly he was waging an internal battle. Leonard looked back at the list.
Leonard had misread item 13. While Sheldon was unwilling to cross-dress, Leonard was free too wear whatever made him comfortable. Maybe he'd nip over to Penny's and get a nice frock and then ejaculate into Sheldon's ear canal... Oh wait! That's on the "no" list.
Sheldon drank the glass of wine. He threw it back like it was turbriskafish. He swallowed, turned pale (paler) and ran to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Leonard would have been offended if he weren't so busy being offended by a list of sex acts that Sheldon felt he needed to clarify were unacceptable.
No penetration with food stuffs. No fisting. No simulated rape. No hitting, punching or biting. No saddles.
Gee, Shelly, what's left? If Leonard couldn't slap a saddle on someone and start biting, how was he supposed to get off?
Sheldon returned with his freshly brushed teeth and went back to eating.
"You should eat, Leonard. Especially if you intend to continue drinking. Your level of inebriation could become... disabling."
"Sobriety is the last thing to 'enable'... In fact, sobriety and allowing time to pass are both contraindicated for... what we are hoping to accomplish."
"That's a misuse of the word contraindicated."
"Your continuing to speak may well preclude any..."
"Please don't use that word. If I hear that word one more time..."
"What I'm hearing you say is you need to be intoxicated to perform a sex act with me and that allowing any time for reflection will likely result in your changing your mind."
"I wouldn't say that..."
"What would you say?"
"Well, that is what I'd say but..."
Sheldon's face was devoid of any emotion and he continued to eat spaghetti.
"It's a social convention that if two people 'hook up', they should have a ready excuse for their poor judgement. IE, that sex would have ruined our friendship if we weren't soooo druuuunk..." Leonard's voice trailed off.
"Do I have time to brush my teeth before you are forced to acknowledge the real-world implications of your intended actions?"
"Do you have time for a shower?"
"No, and that's a little offensive."
Sheldon sighed heavily and went to brush his teeth again.
They ultimately agreed to adjourn to Leonard's room. Sheldon was torn between Leonard's bed, full of Leonard's dead skin cells, and having someone else getting his own bed all sweaty. Leonard agreed to change his sheets. He was starting to worry he wouldn't be able to... fully engage. The strange heat he had felt for a sad looking Sheldon was quickly smothered by the annoyance he felt for the usual arrogant, neurotic, demanding lunatic Febrezing his pillow. It was only when Sheldon had nothing left to do but stand in front of Leonard, staring at his feet, that the heat began to return. Sheldon was rubbing his thumb in an unconcious imitation of Leonard's nervous tic. Leonard dropped his hands. For about a second. Then he returned to worrying his own thumb while he worked on a strategy.
"Leonard, time is passing and I'm reflecting."
The light Texan drawl that normally adorned the corners of Sheldon's speech had come into full effect. Each word wore a ten gallon hat and a bolo tie.
"Um... Let's take off our shoes. That always gets awkward. And I don't like shoes on my bed."
Leonard and Sheldon sat side by side and removed their shoes. The mundane task suddenly charged with impending danger.
Sheldon was his best friend. The worst and best friend a man could have. Ingenuousness was a double-edged sword.
"I agree to adhere to your crazy ass list but I have some ground rules of my own."
"Of course, Leonard."
"No criticizing or comparing. If you don't like something or you want it to be different... I don't want to hear I am doing something wrong or I would do it better if I applied myself..."
"I hardly think I'm in a position to criticize your technique."
"You are in no position to criticize my experiments..."
"Of course I am! I'm a physicist with two Ph.D.'s. I'm well-versed in your line of research..."
"You know theory. Experimental physics is about proving..."
"I know what experimental physics..."
"If findings are replicable..."
"I am familiar with the importance of the p-value and power..."
"I do not rip off other scientists!"
"Of course you do, I can count the number of original theories you've examined..."
"For people like Leslie Winkle and Barry Kripke. People who are smart and competent but ordinary. A mind like yours should be focused on pushing the boundaries... I thought you were going to interupt me just then. I'll continue. You're intellect has a higher purpose than drudge work."
"That almost sounded like a compliment."
"It's a statement of fact. You have a rare intellect and you owe it to our field to use your gift."
"I'm not like you."
"Of course not but you are among the 2.2%... Leonard..." Sheldon was thinking hard, "Do you think I question your intelligence?"
"Of course I do. You don't?"
"Of course not! You have a remarkable intellect! When you apply yourself your experiments are creative and your papers are written with a clarity..."
"Are you seducing me with compliments about my work?"
Sheldon laughed his breathy strange laugh.
"If I were seducing you, I would be the last person to know."
"You like the way I write?"
"Yes. I don't always care for the content. You are reluctant to make strong and controversial statements but now I see that stems from a basic insecurity about your findings."
Leonard worried his thumb. This is what it felt like to have someone believe in you.
"And you are a little lazy."
Leonard pushed Sheldon back onto the bed and went in for a kiss before he could utter one more mood-destroying word.