Sheldon filled Leonard's wine glass to the top and poured a splash into his own. Leonard was alarmed by his roommate's sudden interest in imbibing ETOH. Sheldon was keeping one mother of a secret. It was written all over his twitchy face.
Sheldon was incapable of keeping secrets and Leonard desperately wanted to be left in the dark. He liked to keep Beverly and Sheldon separate in his mind. While his friendship with his eccentric roommate may have begun as a "childish attempt to win parental approval via proxy" (Beverly's words), Sheldon was now his closest friend. When had they become friends? It was hard to say... no it wasn't. He could look up the friendship agreement and check the time stamp.
When Leonard chuckled, Sheldon responded with an awkward smile. The smile quickly descended into a series of tics. Somehow Beverly would taint this strange friendship. She was like a Freudian King Midas. Everything she touched turned to shame.
"Here, Leonard, drink your wine."
"It's a little early in the day."
"I've seen Penny drink MUCH earlier than this. Drink up."
"I don't want a drink."
"I think it would be highly advisible."
"Something is either advisible or not. No need for an adverb," Leonard teased.
"Eating a diet high in fiber is advisible. Not stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork is advisible. Drinking at least two glasses of this wine is highly advisible," was Sheldon's terse response.
Leonard took a sip while Sheldon stared and twitched.
"Oh, hell," muttered Leonard as he knocked back the rest of the glass, "Just tell me."
"Your mother had sex with me the night before last. Well, had sex on me. Did sex to me? I'm not sure how to best describe the act."
"What! You WHAT? You had sex with my fucking mother!"
King Fucking Midas.
"How COULD you? That is way beyond... How? Why?"
Sheldon remained calm.
"I asked similar questions at the time, Leonard. I know your mother is having some difficulty adapting to menopause and her divorce but really. There are surely several rules of ettiquette..."
"YOU, you don't let me whistle and you fucked my mother!"
"Perhaps another glass of wine?"
Leonard grabbed the bottle and loosely followed Sheldon's advice. This is a dream. This is not happening.
"I only mention this as a precursor to something your mother told me after the coitus..."
"No, we are not moving on. We are talking about how you betrayed me. The man who said, 'She's my friend and you're playing with her' hooked up with my mom?"
"You continue to labor under the false belief that I was in any way an instigator or even an active participant in the endeavor..."
"Did you slip and fall into her lady parts?" Leonard kept drinking. He was painfully sober. This alcohol is defective. He laughed bitterly at the memory.
Sheldon's whole body relaxed. "Oh, good. You've calmed down. Now this conversation can progress."
"How would you feel if I slept with your mom?"
"So we're going to keep beating this dead horse? Very well, my mother is deeply religious and unlikely to engage in such behavior."
"Fine, I'll marry your mother. Then we'll have sex. And then I'll be your dad and my mom will be your grandmother and FINALLY I can sleep at night knowing you won't fuck her again now that she is your goddamned meemaw!"
"I wouldn't call her Meemaw. I only call Meemaw Meemaw. I also have a Granny. I would call her Grandma. Actually, given our history, I would probably continue to call her Beverly. I think that would be her preference as well."
Leonard felt his anger dissipating. This wasn't about Sheldon, it was about Beverly. And Mary Cooper was a total MILF. He took another hearty swig directly from the bottle and flopped down on the couch.
Sheldon hesitantly crossed the living room and sat in his accustomed spot. He offered a terrifying grimace that Leonard interpreted as a concillatory smile.
"Now what was it you really wanted to tell me?" Leonard asked gently. His cheeks were becoming flushed and he was a little dizzy. The wine was doing its job. He should always be drunk when talking to Sheldon.
Sheldon thought hard about his next statement. Leonard could tell because Sheldon was using his "I'm thinking hard" face on. While contemplating the universe, Sheldon looked introspective. When chosing a comic book or a new pair of socks, his face twisted to reflect just how hard that brain was working. What a weirdo. Leonard smiled and gave Sheldon's shoulder a friendly shake.
"Your mother said if I wanted to engage you in coitus, I should have you imbibe at least two servings of alcohol and tell you I wanted to begin a sexual relationship with you."
"Come again?" How drunk was he?
"Only you. It is important I emphasize that it is only you with whom I wish to engage in such intamacy."
"Why would my mother tell you that?"
"Are you asking me to explain the motivations of another person?"
"Why would she think you wanted to 'engage' me in...?"
"Coitus? I don't know. Her theories of physical attraction are generally focused on producing optimum progeney which would obviously be irrelevant in this situation."
"The point is here and you are way the fuck over there," Sheldon's eyes followed Leonard's hand and he gestured vaguely out the window. "I'm asking why would you be interested in..."
Sheldon sighed and wound himself up for a long winded explanation. An explanation that probably began in ancient Greece. Actually, it kind of did start in ancient Greece.
Sheldon was already discussing the various theories of physical attraction and Leonard silenced him with a firm palm over his big yapping mouth.
"Why, oh, why would my mother tell you to get me drunk and play on my insecurities to get me into bed?"
"Leonard! That is not what she suggested! Not at all... Oh good Lord, that is exactly what she suggested. What is wrong with your mother, Leonard? I'll be sending her a strongly worded e-mail demanding an explanation."
Sheldon grabbed the wine bottle from Leonard's hand as he walked to his laptop.
"The robot uprising cannot happen soon enough," Sheldon muttered as he pulled up his e-mail.