JOHN: hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of crypto busters!
ROSE: I must say, I’m very excited about this week’s subject.
DAVE: well im not
JADE: c’mon dave, where’s your sense of adventure?
DAVE: im just gonna say right out the gate that i can already tell this is not about to be my favorite episode
DAVE: because this week were investigating goatmans bridge
[The video cuts to an image of a worn-down pedestrian bridge, with the silhouette of a humanoid figure sporting massive goat horns superimposed over it.]
ROSE, NARRATING: Goatman’s Bridge is most well-known as a singular bridge in Alton, Texas, haunted by a demon said to appear as a human with the head of a goat.
ROSE: However, other such demonic bridges are a national phenomenon, including one haunted by an entirely separate Goatman here in Trappist, West Virginia.
ROSE: This Goatman has been described as a satyr of sorts, with the legs of a goat, torso of a man, and head of a goat with forward-facing eyes. Bizarrely enough, some accounts say that it sports clown makeup.
[We cut back to the Cryptobusters.]
DAVE: is goatman a juggalo
JADE: haha, oh my god, he totally is!!!
ROSE: Well, narrating that put a damper on my mood.
DAVE: yeah i should probably mention that rose is terrified of clowns
JOHN: woah, seriously?
ROSE: I am not “terrified” of clowns. That implies a fight or flight response. When I see a clown, the only emotion I feel is blind rage.
JOHN: that’s, uh, still a fight or flight response. just with the “flight” cut out.
JADE: also, can we just talk about the forward-facing eyes? because i’ve seen this one prehistoric species of goat with binocular vision--like illustrations and stuff--
JOHN: it’s butt-ugly. not scary at all.
DAVE: okay first of all if i saw myotragus balearicus in the shadows or some shit
DAVE: and yes thats the name i just googled it
DAVE: id be running for my fucking life dude
ROSE: Myotragus does fall very squarely into the uncanny valley, yes. I appreciate that in a cryptid.
JADE: honestly? that explains a lot.
[Cut back to the slideshow, where we now see the Cryptobusters’ Photoshopped-together illustration of Goatman. Myotragus’s head is pasted on a clipart satyr’s body, and its face now sports a crude sketch of ICP member Violent J’s typical makeup.]
ROSE: Locals who sleep on or near the bridge often report dreams of being violently murdered by Goatman in various fashions, most often through bludgeoning.
ROSE: This has led to sleeping in the area becoming a popular dare amongst teenagers.
[Cut to an interview with Equius Zahhak, a local martial arts trainer. Equius is intimidatingly tall and impressively musclebound, but his shoulder-length hair implies a less fearsome side. That, or he’s attempting to emulate Conan the Barbarian.]
EQUIUS: D→ When I was in sophomore year of high sch00l, I slept on Goatman’s bridge as part of a dare.
EQUIUS: D→ That night, I had a recurring nightmare of Goatman strangling me to death.
EQUIUS: D→ I can confirm that he does indeed wear clown makeup.
DAVE: it wasnt in like
DAVE: an unsavory context
EQUIUS: D→ I assure you it was nothing of the kind. It was an e%tremely harrowing e%perience, and...
EQUIUS: D→ I...I need a towel.
[Cut to another interview with Aradia Megido, a demonology & occult expert who often appears on the show. She has long, voluminous black hair framing a pleasant face, although some might feel as though something about her is a bit...off.]
ARADIA: i would say that goatman is a rather aggressive presence as demons go
ARADIA: he makes himself known quite easily
ARADIA: that being said if you are trying to initiate an encounter with goatman try not to encourage him too much
ROSE: Are you familiar with the story that Goatman appears in dreams to those who sleep on the bridge?
ARADIA: very much so! dreams can be a powerful tool to communicate with the metaphysical
ARADIA: sometimes even if you dont want to