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James van der Beek was on top of the world. He had just gotten an offer to be a guest starring role on Criminal Minds. Luther informed him that the guest stars always play the murderer. After covering his ears and cursing spoiler alerts, James decided he needed to pay Chloe a visit. If anybody could him tips on how to play a deranged serial killer, it was Chloe (and he meant that in the best way possible.)


James threw the door open. “Chloe! Quick! Teach me how to have mommy issues. Mine was a saint.”


“In here!” Chloe was sitting in her couch, painting her toenails. “James, darling, which of these colors is trashier? Pomodoro,” she held up another, near-identical bottle, “or Crimson Caddy?”


James started to tell Chloe that the Crimson Cadillac looked like something a Tuesday afternoon stripper would wear when he noticed Chloe’s left foot. It was completely bare, no shoes or socks. There was a fuzzy purple separator holding apart her toes- did that still count as bare? But that wasn’t what caused the two-time Teen Choice Award nominee, one-time winner to stop in his tracks.


 “What’s going on here?”


“Ok, so you know those little ball thingies on the end of a pen? I have a date with the great-grandson of the guy that patented the idea, and he has a total foot-fetish-”


 “Ok, definitely go with the Crimson Cadalac in that case.”

An exaggerated groan and an eye-roll from the blonde girl on the floor reminded James of the issue at hand.


“Chloe, why are you using June as a foot-rest?”


Chloe looked confused, as though she genuinely didn’t know what James was talking about, although the actor couldn’t see how.


Clear as the pores of Jame's face was Chloe’s blonde roommate. She was on the apartment floor, on her hands and knees. Chloe’s left foot, purple fuzzy toe divider and all, was propped up on top of her department store polyester blouse.


“Oh, you mean my new ottoman? You like?” June- Chloe’s ottoman? gave out an indignant squawk.


For once in his life, James was speechless. “Ummmm”


“So June, you remember June, right? My new roommate.” James had just met her for the first time yesterday, but yes he knew who she was. That and he was looking at her right at that moment, even if Chloe was pretending for some reason that he wasn’t.


“I met her yesterday, yes. She sold your furniture like a total badass, leaving The Beek to seduce them back from your crazy neighbor.”


“Yes, and I appreciate you taking one for the team” Chloe looked so smug. “you got everything back except my ottoman. Which, as you know, is extremely important that I have because of my very serious ankle condition.”




 “It does make a weird noise when I do this though.” Chloe gave June’s rear- the ottoman’s cushion?- a quick pinch which led to more squawking. “And the seat it too lumpy.”


“Hey! I am not lumpy!”


“Ottomans don’t talk!” Chloe yelled.


“But…” June’s voice was quiet now, timid, “I do Pilates every day…”


James needed to leave. “Well, this just unlodged some repressed emotional trauma. I now feel confident that I can be a serial killer. Thanks a lot and good luck with your lumpy furniture problem, I sincerely hope you find a solution to your problems. Problem? All of the problems.”


As he made his exit, James heard one last protest from behind the door.


“I am not lumpy!”


It wasn’t until James after woke up after wetting the bed that night (he had drunk a whole bottle of mineral water before bed to ensure he did so for method-acting purposes) that it occurred to him.


“Chloe doesn’t even have any ankle problems!”