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I suck at romance

Chapter Text

“Can you feel this?” Lucina asked Shulk.

The blond didn’t know how to answer. It was his first date with Lucina and she just had to ask some weird ambiguous question. Chrom and Robin had warned him that Lucina was not a normal girl, especially when it came to dating. She had a terrible sense of humor. It was so bad that she didn’t even laugh at Marth’s jokes and she worshiped Marth. She also had a terrible sense of fashion. The only reason she wasn’t wearing a freaky dress was that Robin had chosen an outfit for her.

Shulk took a deep breath. He couldn’t let the date get awkward.

“I’m really feeling it!”

“Really? I’m so glad!”

Everything was going fine. For now. Shulk couldn’t help but worry that something might go wrong. In the Smash Bros universe, everything and everyone was weird. Almost everyone was out-of-character and could do stuff they couldn’t canonically do. Except for Ganondorf, they really didn’t want to let him use his real powers for some reason.

“Hey, Shulk? What do you think our future will be like?”

“Our future is ours to decide.”

“You’re right.”

The waiter came to get couple’s orders. At least that’s what the couple thought. The waiter was actually a spy sent by Robin and Chrom to check on the date. He had one job and that was to make sure Shulk didn’t make Lucina cry. He wasn’t sure how long Shulk was going to last. All he was saying were his taunts and victory quotes. The waiter felt bad for the blond, poor guy was so nervous.

After having the main dish, it was dessert time. The couple ordered two ice creams.

The waiter came running with the ice creams but he tripped. The ice cream scoops flew out of the bowls. They elegantly traversed the air before finding themselves on a blue dress belonging to a blue-haired princess. The whole restaurant stared at the waiter with shock.

Lucina ran out of the restaurant crying. Shulk paid the bill and chased his girlfriend.

 

Shulk found Lucina sulking in her room. She had taken a shower and changed into her usual outfit. She was really upset about her ruined dress. Her mother had bought it just for her and she had ruined it.

Shulk comforted his girlfriend by telling her that the dress could easily be washed. He wasn’t actually true but it seemed to do the trick. They spent the rest of their evening in the Smash Mansion’s living room playing video games unaware of the long line of fighters waiting to watch the new episode of The Walking Dead.

 

Meanwhile, the waiter was busy being scolded.

“You had one job, waiter! One job!” Robin yelled with a voice full of so much anger that you’d think Grima possessed her.

“Honey, calm down,” Chrom said in an attempt to calm his wife down, “It’s just a dress.”

“This waiter made our daughter cry on her first date!”

“I’m sure she’s over it by now.”

She might be over it, but Robin sure is not. It ended up being a long night for the waiter. At least he was losing his job for a rational reason, unlike the previous waiter who had been fired over liking a tweet by Waluigi.

 

Chapter Text

“All right, guys!” Pit smiled, “I think we should see who can set up the craziest pair possible.”

“Oh, please, Pit,” Marth smirked, “You don’t want to die of embarrassment do you? You’ll probably end up setting up Robin with Chrom and they’re already married.”

“Shut up! I can set up the craziest pair possible thanks to my cupid bow.”

“Isn’t that cheating?” Ike asked.

“Pit’s going to choose the most vanilla pair imaginable,” Roy answered, “I doubt we could even consider it as cheating in his case.”

“Just you wait and see!” the angel shouted as he ran ready to set up his crazy pair.

 

Pit was angry. None of his friends believed he could come up with a crazy pair. He was going to prove them so wrong, they’d cringe every time they’d remember making fun of him.

Pit went to Palutena to get a list of every common pair possible. Palutena, being a kind goddess, happily gave him a list. Pit couldn’t help but grin as he looked at the list. He was going to beat everyone.

The hope was short lived as he remembered he couldn’t read.

 

After an hour of asking people to read him all the names and failing to remember anything, Pit decided he should just go set up two random people. He thought about it for ten minutes and was struck with a totally amazing and totally original idea.

 

 

The next day, the four friends reunited to see who had managed to set up the weirdest pair.

“I somehow managed to convince Bowser to go on a date with Jigglypuff,” Ike told his friends.

“I set up Link with Mr. Game & Watch,” Marth said, “I don’t know how it will work since Mr. Game & Watch is two-dimensional.”

“You guys chose such weird pairs,” Roy admitted, “Mine sucks compared to yours.”

“Don’t say that, Roy. I’m sure your pair is weird enough.”

“I… I managed to get R.O.B. to marry your iPhone.”

“You did what!?”

The conversation was interrupted by Pit laughing hysterically. Everyone stared at the angel with confusion. He didn’t usually act this way. Something was definitely wrong.

“People like you have no imagination,” the angel laughed with an evil grin on his face.

“Who did you set up?” Ike asked not actually wanting to know what Pit had done.

“I set up myself with...”

“With whom?”

“MYSELF!!!”

The room was completely silent. No one knew what to say. Pit had done the unthinkable no one had ever considered. He had reached high tiers of absolute madladness.

Pit assumed the silence meant he had won and left the room feeling satisfied. No one would ever make fun of him again.

 

 

R.O.B. was enjoying its honeymoon with Marth’s iPhone. It had been love at first sight for the two. They were sitting on a balcony enjoying the beautiful view unaware of the three swordsmen spying on them.

“So, are you going to get your phone back?” Ike asked Marth.

“I don’t know, it seems so happy with R.O.B. I can’t bring myself to ruin their honeymoon.”

“Damn it, Marth,” Roy glared, “Why do you have to be so nice with them? You’re always an asshole with us.”

“It’s just that my iPhone...”

“Wait, don’t tell me. You actually just want an excuse to get the new one.”

“You’re paying for it, Roy. You brought this upon yourself.”

Chapter Text

Roy was walking around the Smash Mansion’s garden when he heard a voice call him. The voice was coming from a tree, so the redhead walked towards it. He looked at it and saw Marth.

“Hi, Marth,” he greeted before fully grasping the situation in front of him, “M-Marth!? What are you doing on that tree?”

“I was looking for a new iPhone and ended up here.”

“So… Are you gonna come down?”

“Well, about that… I-I’m… Stuck…”

Roy stared at Marth not knowing what to say. It wasn’t every day that you found the legendary Hero-King stuck on a tree and too scared to get off by himself after all. Roy was pretty sure Marth was scared of getting his clothes dirty and was perfectly capable of getting off the tree alone. But he didn’t feel like adding another argument to his long list of daily arguments with Marth.

So, he offered to catch Marth which Marth immediately rejected out of embarrassment. The prince argued it was stupid and that there was no way the redhead would be able to catch him, but Roy reminded Marth that he was now the taller and stronger one.

“How can I trust you?” Marth asked as he glared at the redhead beneath him, “You keep promising to not burn my stuff and then you burn my stuff the next day. You promised to buy me an iPhone last year but I ended up buying it myself.”

“Marth… You threw the one I gave you away because it was the wrong color. Anyways, when have I not kept a serious promise?”

“You promised we’d be roommates if you returned, but I had to pay Master Hand to let you be my roommate again.”

“But we ended up being roommates in the end even if you did have to pay Master Hand.”

“Well… You said you’d always look up to me but now I’m the one looking up to you.”

The duo ended up bickering like an old married couple. So much for no more arguments… Roy grew tired of arguing and threatened to burn the tree. This made Marth seriously reconsider his friend’s suggestion. As long as no one else saw him in such an embarrassing situation everything would probably be fine.

“Fine, I’ll let you catch me,” the prince blushed, “But don’t let anyone else know about this, otherwise you’re dead meat.”

Marth closed his eyes and jumped off the branch he was sitting on. He felt a warm embrace catch him. When he opened his eyes, he was greeted by a reassuring smile. Marth knew his face was heating up as he gazed upon his handsome savior. Roy also felt himself blush as he looked at the beautiful prince in his arms. The two swordsmen stared at each other for a minute before leaning towards each other.

“Hey, guys!” a voice behind the duo shouted, “Have you seen Zel- Wait, are you two finally together?”

The sudden appearance of Link startled Roy causing him to drop Marth. The poor blue-haired prince ended up in a puddle of mud and in a very bad mood. Roy knew his face was redder than his hair but he still insisted nothing was going on. Link knew the redhead was hiding something but decided not to comment on it. Roy seemed pretty distressed after all.

Marth overheard his two friends’ conversation and couldn’t help getting angrier by the second. When he got up, he chased Roy all over the garden threatening two kill him. For better or for worse, Roy was a faster runner than Marth.

Link just stood there staring at his two friends in confusion. Why was Roy carrying Marth in a bridal-style? Why were they doing nothing for a minute? Why did Roy drop Marth in a puddle of mud? Why did the two of them always have to fight like an old married couple?

In the end, none of it mattered to Link. His date with Zelda was more important than his friends’ messed up relationship.

Chapter Text

The fighters in the Smash Mansion had to pay rent for their stay. Most of it was covered by their salaries as fighters, but some had other ways to pay their rent. Some fighters like King K. Rool already had lots of wealth before arriving and could easily pay for everything. Others were spoiled by their parents and didn’t pay a single cent, looking at you Lucina.

But Ganondorf was different. He did technically have the money to pay his rent, but there was no way he’d risk losing his kingdom’s wealth. So, he decided to take on a part-time job. It’s not as though the Gerudo tribe was aware of it, so there was nothing to worry about.

Ganondorf entered the local Apple store he was working at. He was in charge of customer service which he surprisingly enjoyed. He got to spout out nonsense and everyone would take it very seriously. He could tell the most obvious lies and everyone would believe him. Sometimes, he wouldn’t even have to say a word, weirdos would always start talking about their personal lives for some reason.

After working there for a week, Ganondorf had become a sensation in the neighborhood. People would go to the Apple store just to talk to him. It almost made Ganondorf consider becoming a therapist for the lolz. But ain’t nobody got time for that.

Ganondorf sat at his desk waiting for his first client. He couldn’t wait to see what idiot he’d get to meet today. He saw a figure make its way towards him and he couldn’t help but place an evil smirk on his face.

“Hello, customer service here. How may I help you?”

“I need help with my wife,” R.O.B. told the Gerudo king.

“Oh, great another one… Well, what is wrong with your wife?”

“She’s been so reclusive lately… It all happened when she lost all her energy. I helped her get it back, but I can’t seem to get through to her anymore.”

“Quit her, you deserve better.”

“But, we only got married yesterday. I am determined to help her!”

Ganondorf mentally facepalmed. He couldn’t believe he was helping a robot with relationship issues. When did R.O.B. ever get married? Heck, since when did robots get into relationships?

“All right,” Ganondorf sighed, “May I get a look at your wife?”

“Sure, here she is.”

R.O.B. placed an iPhone on Ganondorf’s desk. The Gerudo king turned the phone on and was surprised by the wallpaper. He didn’t know what to tell R.O.B.

“I’m sorry to break this to you… But Marth is a man.”

“Marth isn’t my wife. His iPhone is. Roy set us up yesterday and it was love at first sight.”

Until that very day, Ganondorf had always thought that the weirdest people were all on the internet. He had no idea what should be done. He had never met someone in love with an iPhone. The closest he knew was Marth who was addicted to iPhones, but the prince didn’t seem to be in love with his phone. Ganondorf was determined to see this through. He was an evil king, he could not let fail at something that should be easy.

“So… How did you get her energy back?”

“I plugged her in the charger after she hit 0 percent.”

“I think I know what’s wrong with her.”

Ganondorf turned on the iPhone once again. He typed in “Marth is the best!” and unlocked the phone. R.O.B. was surprised by the king’s actions. It hadn’t been programmed to be surprised, so its hardware was overheating. But that didn’t stop it from feeling surprised.

Ganondorf told the robot to buy a special stylus because robots weren’t capable of using iPhone touchscreens. When R.O.B. tried it out on its wife, it was overjoyed. It had never felt so happy in its life.

“Thank you so much!” the robot would have smiled if it had a face.

“Will that be all?”

“Yes.”

“You should go pay for the stylus.”

This was the reason the managers loved Ganondorf. Despite all of his bullshit and lies, he would always get each customer to buy something. He was an asset to the company.

“Hello, customer service here. How may I help you?”

“I need a compensation iPhone,” Marth glared, “Mine was recently taken away from me. I’d like the newest model, the iPhone XS Max, in white.”

“We’re all out.”

“I’ll pay ten times the amount for it…” Roy sighed in annoyance.

Ganondorf was at a loss for words. He had never been in such a situation. Usually, customers would just give up and come on the next day or buy another iPhone. Sometimes he really hated his job.

Chapter Text

It was the fifth of October 2018 and this only meant one thing: the first episode of Vento Aureo was airing in the evening.

Marth, Roy, and Cloud were really excited. Being the only fighters to be fluent in Japanese meant they could watch all the episodes live. They had been planning to watch it in the living room together, but there was one problem. Samus was using the living room and had her personal protection squad making sure no one would interrupt her Fear the Walking Dead marathon.

“Take what you need,” Samus sobbed as she focused on the TV screen, “Leave what you don’t”

Marth, Roy, and Cloud could only feel annoyance as they saw her immersed in her show. They had reserved the room a month ago, but Samus had OG member privilege which allowed her to steal the room.

The Japanese speaking trio could not afford to miss the new episode. They had to watch it live. They had waited so long for this day. That’s why they decided to come up with a plan to force her out of the room.


The trio went to visit Pikachu and Pichu to ask for help. The two pokemon agreed to help on the condition that the trio would translate the whole episode for them. This disappointed the trio, but it was worth it if it meant watching the premiere live.

Pichu and Pikachu made their way to the living room while the others watched over them from a safe distance. The two cute pokemon arrived in front of Samus’ personal protection squad or how they liked to call them, the “I love Samus” Men.

“Hi!” Pichu happily greeted before changing his expression into one of mischief, “Which one of you is going to be the one to date Samus?”

“Obviously it will be me!” Captain Wammu Falcon boasted.

“Not happening, I’ll punch my way into her heart!” Little Eisidisi Mac argued.

“While you two will be busy fighting, I’ll be busy dating her,” Kars Snake smirked.

The three men kept arguing and Pichu knew exactly what to do next.

“You know… I think Bayonetta would make a pretty good girlfriend for Samus.”

The three men glared at the little pokemon and chased him out of the mansion. Pichu managed to sneak back in while the men searched for him outside of the mansion.

Meanwhile, Pikachu was taking care of Dio Samus.

“Samus, I think you should go check on Snake, Little Mac, and Captain Falcon. They just ran away.”

“What?”

“And I overheard them talking about someone planning to put dirt on your power suit.”

“Damn it! I’m going to kill whoever is planning to make my suit dirty!”

The enraged blonde stormed out of the living room. Pikachu called the others to tell them they could enter the living room.


After getting popcorn, drinks and comfy pillows, the five friends sat in front of the TV ready to watch the premiere. Only ten minutes were left until the start of the first episode. That is when the disaster started.

What disaster? You may be asking. Well, it all started when Ike walked by and asked them what they were doing. Roy told him they were going to watch Jojo. Ike admitted that he loved the show and Roy told him that he could watch it with them since they were translating for Pichu and Pikachu.

But of course, Pit happened to overhear their conversation and asked to join the group. After five minutes, most of the fighters had been squeezed into the living room.

The living room had become so noisy that Master Hand and Crazy Hand decided to check it out. After learning that everyone was going to watch Jojo, Master Hand decided to stay.

“Marth, Roy, Cloud. You will translate everything.”

“Fine…” Marth pouted.

“Your next line is ‘You’re not paying us, are you?’” Roy told Cloud.

“You’re not paying us, are you? Huh!?” the blond gasped.

“I’d never raise your pay,” Master Hand answered, “People keep complaining that whoever has you in their team wins.”

Two minutes before the show started, the power went out. Everyone started freaking out and chaos quickly overtook the room. Suddenly, the door was slammed by an angry Samus. She was pissed off that her Fear the Walking Dead marathon had been interrupted.

Luckily for all the fighters, ten of the OG members wanted to watch Jojo. Master Hand threatened to halve her pay if she didn’t let them watch Jojo. Frustrated, she turned the power back on and went to her room.

But that was not the end of the disaster. Right when the show was about to start the TV exploded. The whole room was in silent shock.

“If it makes you feel better,” Crazy Hand started, “I made bitch lasagna.”

Chapter Text

Link and Zelda were walking together around town. The two Hylians were on a date and were planning to visit the fair.

The town near the Smash Mansion was a weird town. It was eccentric and full of many weird people. It also used anything as an excuse to set up a fair. This week’s excuse was that R.O.B. had just gotten married to Marth’s iPhone.

 

Link and Zelda arrived at the fair and had the most typical fair imaginable. It was so typical that both parties were bored out of their god damn minds. Luckily they ran into R.O.B. and Marth’s iPhone before leaving.

The four decided to head to the Ferris wheel to start off the double date. As everyone entered the cabin, Zelda couldn’t help but feel awkward. She was on a double date with a robot and an iPhone.

“How do you think their relationship works?” Zelda whispered to Link.

“I dunno, I’m not usually the one doing the thinking in this relationship.”

Annoyed by her boyfriend’s answer, Zelda turned to R.O.B. in an attempt to get an answer to her questions.

“So… How do you and your wife show affection to each other?”

“The same way every couple does,” R.O.B. answered, “With electricity.”

Zelda was getting even more annoyed with every passing second. She was usually a kind, patient and understanding person, but there was a limit to how much nonsense she could handle in one day. Her boyfriend was ignoring everyone and looking outside the window. She was sure he was thinking about someone else, probably a woman hotter than her.

‘I should have stayed with the guys to watch Jojo,’ Link thought as he regretted choosing his date over hanging out with his friends.

Zelda came up with an idea to set things straight once and for all. She asked R.O.B. the most dangerous question she could imagine. One that would make it lose all its pride as a robot and a lover. It was a perfect plan. Zelda would have laughed out like an evil maniac if she were alone.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t hide the evil aura surrounding her in time because everyone was staring at her. When she noticed that everyone’s eyes were on her, she laughed nervously. No one assumed anything since they all thought she was a simple wise, cheerful and kind princess feeling awkward as the center of attention.

Once everyone had forgotten about the incident, Zelda asked her question in the most innocent way possible.

“So, R.O.B. What’s your wife’s name?”

There was no answer. R.O.B. didn’t know what to answer. It had never thought about what its wife’s name was. It had been so enamored with its wife that it had never asked her name. If it asked her name, would she leave it? The stress and panic were causing R.O.B. to malfunction. It was having the equivalent of a seizure for robots. After about a minute, R.O.B. shutdown.

Zelda freaked out. She hadn’t expected this to happen. She had let her anger get the best of her. Link managed to calm her down and they took R.O.B. to Dr. Mario.

 

When they arrived in front of Dr. Mario’s office, they noticed a long queue. Zelda asked what had happened. Apparently, everyone was depressed because the TV exploded and they had eaten bitch lasagna which made them sick. Link and Zelda had no choice but to cut in line, R.O.B.’s life was on the line.

 

After an hour, R.O.B. was able to turn itself on again. The first thing it heard was Zelda apologizing. The robot insisted it was all right and that thanks to her, it had learned an important lesson.

However, it was not all sunshine and rainbows. Link had had enough of all the bullshit.

“I heard enough, this ends now,” the Hylian said, “R.O.B. tell us your wife’s name or else.”

R.O.B. remained silent for a minute before answering.

“Siri.”

“Yes?” twenty iPhones replied at the same.

“What’s my wife’s name?”

The twenty iPhones each gave completely different names. But R.O.B. had only been focusing on Marth’s iPhone (the one it was married to, not Marth’s new one).

Everyone else simply stared in silence until Crazy Hand broke it.

“I swear I heard one of those iPhones say Waluigi.”

Chapter Text

Jigglypuff woke up feeling ready for her daily morning walk. After taking a shower and brushing her hair thing, she exited her room with her phone.

Jigglypuff had a terrible sense of direction which was why she was required to take her phone with her every time she exited the Smash Mansion. It annoyed her, but she did enjoy having a camera with her at all times along with her trusty permanent marker. It was great for trolling, but she still felt angry every time someone fell asleep when she sang. There was no one who was immune to her singing beside herself.

When she arrived in town, she saw Mewtwo glued to his phone. Jigglypuff knew Mewtwo was reserved, but being glued to a phone in public was unacceptable. She jumped to see what he was doing and saw a jigglypuff.

“What are you doing to that Jigglypuff?” she asked.

“I’m catching it,” Mewtwo told her.

“But why?”

“It’s for Pokemon Go.”

Jigglypuff had no idea what Pokemon Go was despite being a pokemon. She only used her phone for pictures and social media for at most an hour per day. She wasn’t really interested in mobile games and the only memes she paid attention to were music related.

“What’s Pokemon Go?”

“A game where you catch pokemon while you’re out walking.”

Jigglypuff was uninterested by Mewtwo’s explanation. She thought the game seemed boring. Who played while walking anyways?

 

Jigglypuff was feeling hungry so she stopped for a croissant at Starbucks. By the time she had finished eating, it had started to rain.

Jigglypuff hadn’t brought an umbrella, so she had no choice but to wait for it to pass. After an hour, she was bored of checking her social media accounts. She remembered her conversation with Mewtwo and decided to download Pokemon Go.

She created her account and chose her starter. She stared at the screen not knowing what to do until a jigglypuff appeared. She pressed on it and stared. Jigglypuff got a sudden urge to sing. She was hoping that the jigglypuff on screen would also sing along.

As she sang, everyone in the restaurant fell asleep. Everyone except for the jigglypuff on her screen.

Seeing the jigglypuff awake made Jigglypuff cry tears of joy. No one had ever listened to her sing an entire song. She had been so moved that when she caught the jigglypuff, she nicknamed it Future BF.

 

Once the rain stopped, Jigglypuff ran outside to catch as many pokemon as she could. She crossed paths with Mewtwo who was shocked to see how many pokemon the pink puff had caught. He had been playing for years and in a few hours, Jigglypuff had surpassed him. She truly was a force to be reckoned with.

 

Jigglypuff returned home right before dinner. But as she was about to enter the mansion, she had an urge to play even more. She took out her phone and looked at all her pokemon. She pressed on her first catch, Future BF, and smiled.

“No worries, we still have time.”

Jigglypuff didn’t return home that night. Instead, she conquered the whole area surrounding the Smash Mansion. In one night, she had made a name for herself and her precious Future BF. She was known to all as the queen of Pokemon Go.

 

That’s how Jigglypuff fell in love with a virtual pokemon.

Chapter Text

The Smash Cafeteria is probably the most annoying place to have lunch which is why most fighters eat out the whole time. But of course, you’ve got some lazy people that can’t be bothered to go to town. And then there are the fussy ones, they need their food to be a specific way or they won’t even bother touching it.

Today, Mario was in charge of cooking. He had to make food for whoever wanted to eat. It was a pain but it was worth it. He was being paid after all, but that wasn’t the best part. The best part was that Peach was a frequent visitor of the cafeteria and she only came on days when he was cooking.

Seeing Peach was the highlight of his day, it made dealing with all the annoying fighters worth it because he knew that at the end of the line, Peach was waiting for her food.

 

Mario was serving food when he saw Peach enter the cafeteria with her friends. She was laughing with her beautiful voice, she was elegantly dressed, she-

“Mario!” Kirby shouted, “I want my pizzas.”

“Y-yes!” Mario replied as he went to get Kirby’s pizzas.

Recently, he had been thinking more and more about the princess. He was head over heels in love with her and kept saving her. But she always rejected him. However, Mario knew that acting entitled would only make her resent him and it would make his dreams of being with her even more unlikely.

Mario gave Kirby his pizzas and the next person in line stepped up to order their food. It was Ike’s turn to order which meant it was going to take a long time before anyone else got any food.

“What meat do you have today?” the blue-haired mercenary asked.

“It’s-a pizza day today, Ike.”

“Great, I’ll have a pizza with every kind of meat you can think of!”

“Must I-a go over the list of-a meat again?”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

Mario didn’t know much about Ike besides his love for meat. From what he had heard, Ike was a pretty nice guy. Maybe he could ask him for some advice. After going through the list of meat, Mario started placing the toppings on Ike’s pizza while small talking with him.

“Ike, how is your-a love life doing?”

“Wait… Are you trying to get advice on how to get a girlfriend?”

“Um… Yes…”

“Well, dye your hair light blue and become a knight. It worked for Geoffrey. Otherwise, if you’d like some personal advice that worked for an Ike in another universe.”

Mario had no idea what Ike was talking about. Ike really was a mystery to him. But not as much a mystery as Peach. Despite knowing her for so long, there was still so much about her he didn’t know. Thoughts about Peach once again took over his mind and he zoned out. He could hear someone speaking but he couldn’t hear the words. At least, until he saw the cafeteria’s worst nightmare make its way towards him.

“Ike, everyone’s heard your story about eloping with Soren a million times. I think you should take your food and go eat. I have some very important business to attend to with Mario.”

Ike left with his pizza and Mario felt a death glare being directed towards him. It was time for the daily Marth rant…

“So, you know I hate onions.”

“I know you do. What about-a the onions?”

“I told you I wanted to have the exact same food as Roy, but you put onions on his food and none on mine. I need you to make Roy’s meal again but without onions.”

“Is-a this about your-a wanting to get-a cool thing again?”

“What!? N-no! Never mind, I’m eating out today.”

The prince left dragging his best friend along with him. Once he was gone, everyone turned towards Mario and clapped. Mario had never managed to make someone go eat out before and everyone was impressed with him.

After an hour, the line got shorter and it was time for the last person to get their meal.

“What would you-a like, Peach?” Mario smiled.

“I’m-a sorry, Mario,” Luigi apologized, “Peach-a left-a two hours ago to go eat-a spaghetti with-a Daisy.”

Mario’s morale had been utterly crushed with one sentence. Luigi comforted his brother by patting him on the back.

 

Peach leaving was a normal part of Mario’s time at the cafeteria. She always arrived when the line was long and left due to boredom. Oh, well… One day she’d get to try Mario’s cooking.

Chapter Text

When you think about Isabelle, you think about the cute and lovable puppy. But she’s hiding a dark secret…

 

Isabelle always had to look after Villager. The mayor was a very crazy guy. It always took so much time to clean up all his messes. Isabelle wished he’d have a change of heart and stop going on killing sprees.

Ever since she had first known him, she knew there was something wrong with him. Even so, she cared about him. She’d always try her best to help. She’d book him appointments with psychologists but nothing seemed to help.

However, the recent events happening around the Smash Mansion gave her some ideas. Isabelle was very organized and she had a huge network of information. She was friends with the right people and was able to get almost anyone to do anything.

She had heard about the rumors surrounding Ganondorf and knew what she had to do. She needed Ganondorf’s help to get the Villager laid.

Ganondorf was a hard man to convince. In case things went wrong, Isabelle made sure to bring Cloud with her. The two had become best friends after Isabelle annoyed the living daylights out of Cloud. Luckily for her, the blond had a soft spot for cute yellow animals.

 

The two friends made their way to town. They made sure to wear sunglasses to not get recognized. They sneaked their way into the Apple store all the way to Ganondorf’s customer service desk.

“Ganondorf, we need your help,” Isabelle whispered, “We need to get Villager laid.”

“You shouldn’t have come here,” the Gerudo king replied, “If you’re not here for Apple-related business, I have no reason to assist you.”

“We’ll buy an iPhone,” Cloud told the king, “Villager will need it in the future.”

“I’m listening.”

“You know Villager has an obsession with murdering people, right?” Isabelle asked.

“Yeah, do you need a body for him to-”

“No! We need to find him a date that will make him stop murdering people.”

“I’m going to have to charge extra for that. I don’t do good deeds for free.”

“We’ll buy two iMacs and three iPhones.”

“Deal.”

“What are we supposed to do with that?” Cloud asked.

“How should I know?,” Isabelle replied, “You’re the one that’s friends with the Apple fanboy.”

After discussing for ten minutes, the trio had come up with a plan.

“Meet me at the town square at 8 pm,” Ganondorf smirked.

Villager was going to have the date of his life.

Chapter Text

Isabelle and Cloud met up with Ganondorf at the town square at 8 pm. Ganondorf had a suspicious black suitcase with him, but he refused to say what was inside of it.

“I’ve come up with a plan,” the Gerudo king announced, “Isabelle, you will go get Villager.”

“Do I bring him here?”

“Yes. Cloud, I need you to find a kid around Villager’s age. Any will do.”

“Seems easy enough,” the mercenary sighed before noticing Ganondorf’s smirk, “There’s more, isn’t there?”

“I need you to pretend to be the kid’s mom. We can’t have Villager recognizing you.”

“So, what will you do?”

“I’ll decorate to make this place more appropriate.”


Isabelle found the mayor playing video games with the other kids. It looked like the other kids were scared of him, except for Toon Link since Toon Link has no fears.

“Mayor, may I ask you something?” Isabelle asked.

Villager only nodded before Isabelle asked him to go with her to town. He gladly accepted since it meant he could go on a killing spree.


Cloud wasn’t sure what kid would be suitable as Villager’s date. Villager was a psychopathic serial killer, there was no way any normal kid would be able to handle him. But luck was on his side.

He ran into the pink-haired villager girl. He was sure she was among the bravest kids in Smash Bros. She stood up to anyone and anything. As far as he knew, she had no fears.

Cloud easily managed to convince her to go with him to the town square. It was so easy, Cloud was sure something was going to go wrong.


Isabelle walked with Villager to the town square. It was nicely decorated with flowers, ribbons, and candles. It was the most romantic scene possible.

Isabelle spotted a cross-dressing Cloud with a pink-haired girl and knew what she had to do.

“Don’t you think that girl looks pretty?”

“Yeah, I think her blonde hair would look great covered in blood.”

“No, not her! She’s the little girl’s mom.”

“She looks young, must be a teen mom. Now that I think about it, the pink-haired girl is beautiful. I think she’d look great chopped up.”

Isabelle mentally facepalmed as the mayor kept fantasizing about killing people. Sometimes, the mayor could be completely insufferable. But she couldn’t give up, she was going to make this work.

She took Villager to meet the little girl and tried to get them to be friends. The pink-haired girl was usually friendly, but she appeared to be wary of something for some reason.

“Why don’t you two hang out while I go grocery shopping?” Cloud said with a high-pitched voice, “I’m sure it will be more fun than looking at boring vegetables.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Isabelle grinned, “I need to go buy some… Girl things. Mayor, you should have some fun. Look there’s even a conveniently placed table there. I’ll give you some money so that you can buy some drinks and food.”

Isabelle and Cloud quickly fled the town square leaving Villager with the pink-haired girl. Not knowing what to do, the two kids decided to sit at the table.

A waiter came to get their orders. What the kids didn’t know was that the waiter was actually a spy with a hidden camera and microphone on his bow tie. There were also hidden cameras and microphones in the flower vase. The two kids were under strict surveillance.

“W-what are your hobbies?” the pink-haired girl asked shyly.

“I like killing at least one person every day.”

“T-that’s… That’s…”


“Damn it, why does she have to stutter so much?” Ganondorf yelled as he used all his will to not slam his computer’s keyboard.

“Shh! We need to listen to what she says next,” Isabelle reminded Ganondorf.


“That’s horrible!” the little girl yelled.

“I know,” Villager smirked, “That’s what makes it so fun.”

“You’re pathetic! Who kills at least one person every day?”

“I do. You think this troubles me?”

“Hah! Well, I kill at least ten people every day!”

Villager didn’t know what he was feeling. There was something about this girl that fascinated him. Was this what people called love?


“Guys, it’s time to move on to plan B!” Cloud told his two companions.

“All right, Ganondorf, do what you’ve gotta do!” Isabelle shouted.

Ganondorf ran out of the Apple store towards the two psychopathic children. He slammed the table so hard, it broke in half.

“How cute, you kill ten people per day… I can kill a whole country in a day if I feel like it! I think you two will be my next victims!”

“May you be my priest?” the pink-haired girl asked.

“Sure, it won’t matter if you’re dead.”

“Villager, will you marry me?”

“I will!” the mayor smiled with tears of joy.

 

Isabelle, Cloud, and Ganondorf spent the rest of the night explaining to Master Hand and Crazy Hand how they had managed to get Villager engaged while he planned his wedding with his psychopathic fiance.

Chapter Text

Peach was taking a walk around the most beautiful meadow ever. She was feeling happy and the sudden appearance of a very hot guy mad her even happier.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you too!" Peach smiled.
"I bought you a beautiful ring so you may never forget me."
"But I will never forget! I don't need a ring to represent our love. My feelings are all I need!"
The hot guy gently held Peach's face and pressed his lips on hers. Peach was enjoying the warm sensation on her lips until someone hit her on her head.

"Peach!" Daisy shouted, "You're drooling all over the table!"
"Ah! I'm so sorry!" Peach apologized.
Peach often daydreamed about meeting the man of her dreams. Sadly, real life wasn't on her side. The only guys interested in her were Mario and Bowser. She appreciated their company, but they kept fighting over her and she couldn't stand it. She didn't want to be treated like a prize, she wanted to be treated like a person.
"I'm guessing you were fantasizing about hot guys again," Daisy teased.
"I can't help it! It's gotten worse lately. Romance is all around the air. Ever since Shulk and Lucina started dating, I keep seeing couples everywhere!"
"I think you're just getting desperate. There really aren't many couples around here. That or everyone's hiding their secret relationships."
"All of this is getting on my nerves. I think I need some food to calm down."
"Mario's making pizza today. We should get some."

Peach and Daisy waited in line for an hour. Ike was going on about his life story. Peach and Daisy were getting hungrier with every passing second.
"I'm hungry!" Daisy complained.
"Me too. How does Mario not know Ike's life story? He's told everyone about it a million times!"
"Hungry not angry. He's never told me his life story. I don't even think he knows me."
"It's okay, he only knows me as his friend's girlfriend's friend."
"I don't think he's stopping any time soon. He's going on and on about some guy he eloped with in another universe."
"I've had enough of this line! I need food."
"I know! Let's go get spaghetti in town!"

Peach and Daisy arrived at the local Italian restaurant. They ordered the most expensive spaghetti and enjoyed every bite.
While waiting for their dessert, they played "I spy".
"I spy with my little eyes something pink," Peach said.
"Jigglypuff?"
"How did you know?"
"Lucky guess."

The two princesses decided to go see what Jigglypuff was up to. The pink pokémon said she was playing Pokémon GO with Future BF.
"Peach, you're not alone!" Daisy grinned, "Jigglypuff is also desperate!"
"You're right! We could organize a desperate girls night out!"
"One problem. She's gone."

The two best friends ended up spending the rest of the afternoon shopping to get Peach's mind off guys.

Chapter Text

Kirby was happily eating his pizzas. He absolutely adored the Italian meal. It was delicious like everything he ate. Now that I think of it, if everything Kirby eats is delicious, everything is boring…

 

The pink puff was ready to eat his last pizza when he noticed it had disappeared. Someone had stolen his pizza.

This pissed off the pink puff. Nobody took his food and got away with it. He would even start World War 3 over food. The bond between Kirby and food was one that could not be broken.

 

Kirby needed to form a team and he knew the right people for the job. So after gathering them up, he took them to a restaurant in town.

“Who could do this?” Kirby asked rhetorically.

“Do what?” Pichu replied.

“Steal my pizza. Someone stole my last pizza!”

“Kirby, calm down, it’s just a pizza,” Meta Knight sighed, “You can just get another one.”

“No! I can’t calm down. It was my fucking pizza and someone stole it. It’s a crime that needs punishing.”

“So, what are we going to do?” Pichu yawned, “I’m kinda tired today. Don’t wanna do any thinking.”

“You’re only here to immobilize the enemy. First, we need to hire a detective.”

 

The trio went to the local detective’s office. The people there told them that they couldn’t investigate something with no leads. This pissed off Kirby and he copied the best detective’s ability.

The team was now a hundred percent ready to start the investigation. The trio went to the scene of the crime which was the cafeteria. They had managed to force everyone to come back for interviews.

 

After four hours of intense interviews, Kirby was growing tired. He wasn’t getting anywhere close to figuring out who had taken his pizza. At least there was only one person left to interview.

“Palutena, you see everything, right?” Kirby glared.

“Most of the time. I’m not interested in seeing people in the toilet or having-”

“Great, do you have any idea who took my pizza?”

“Let me try to remember…”

After five minutes, Palutena remembered something. Everyone stared at her expecting the biggest breakthrough ever.

“The culprit was blue!”

“What!? That could be anyone! Pichu, proceed to you know what.”

Sadly, Pichu had fallen asleep so he couldn’t proceed to you know what. This infuriated Kirby.

Kirby knew that he would go insane if he didn’t find out who had taken his pizza. He was about to announce something but Crazy Hand arrived.

“Yo, guys! Have you seen the new Jojo opening?”

Almost everyone rushed out of the cafeteria, Kirby was among them…

The commotion woke up Pichu who was confused. Meta Knight looked at him and explained what had happened.

“So, you guys didn’t find the culprit?”

“Well… I was the one who ate the pizza.”

Chapter Text

Daisy couldn’t help but be fascinated with Ike’s life story. She really wanted to learn more. Everyone except her knew it. To learn more, Daisy decided she had to interview Ike’s friends.

 

Daisy went to the living room where she found a few of Ike’s friends. She chose to speak with Marth since she was sure he’d know who she was. He didn’t, but that didn’t really matter.

“Marth, could you tell me about Ike’s story?” the brunette begged.

“Why do you want to know his story?”

“Um…”

Daisy was embarrassed. She would appear stupid if she said she didn’t know it. So she lied and said she thought Peach got some facts wrong.

“What did Peach get wrong?”

“Um… The ending! The ending was definitely wrong! She said he never eloped with someone.”

“That’s weird, I thought Peach knew the whole story,” Link said, “I’m pretty sure she’d get the ending right.”

“Maybe she’s confusing her playthrough of Radiant Dawn with Ike’s story,” Roy suggested, “I don’t think she’s smart enough to know that Ike can have three different endings.”

“So, who does our Ike end up with?” Daisy asked.

Ike’s friends weren’t sure what to answer. They excused themselves to talk about it.

“I thought Daisy was into Luigi,” Roy whispered.

“Same here,” Marth added, “What do we tell her?”

“I know!” Link smiled, “Let’s just not tell her everything.”

“I’ve got a better idea. Let’s just say Peach was right.”

“Nah, I think I’ve got something better,” Roy smirked.

The trio returned to the princess ready to lie about Ike’s life story.

“Ike tells everyone that in another universe he eloped with someone but he actually just left with a big pile of meat,” the redhead lied.

“That… That actually makes sense,” the brunette replied shocking the trio.

 

Daisy left the living room and headed to the cafeteria. She wasn’t sure if she had been told the whole truth, but now was the time to confirm everything.

She found Ike eating with Pit. She interrupted their conversation to ask about the pile of meat.

“Ike has a secret pile of meat?” Pit gasped, “I didn’t know that!!”

“I thought everyone knew about it,” Ike said confused by the angel’s response, “It’s in the kitchen.”

“Not that one, the one you eloped with,” Daisy clarified, “Your friends told me you left Tellius with it in another universe and that you lied about eloping with someone.”

“Yeah, they like to say that to piss me off. I did leave with someone though.”

“W-who?”

“With my boyfriend, Soren.”

“Y-you actually have a boyfriend?”

“Yeah. I’ve gotta go, see you later.”

Daisy didn’t know what to say. She felt a hand placed on her shoulder.

“Try harder next time,” Zelda reassured her, “The harder the rejection, the better you’ll feel in the long term. Every princess here goes through an Ike phase. There’s something about him that attracts princesses, but he hates that since he hates nobility, titles and all that stuff. He’s also pretty gay.”

“What are you talking about? I’m not in love with Ike, I’m dating Luigi. I just wanted to know what the big deal with Ike’s story was.”

“Oh. I’m going to have to go speak with Link.”

 

Zelda confronted her boyfriend while Daisy went on a date with hers. Luigi found the day’s events funny and was glad Ike hadn’t stolen his girlfriend’s heart.

Daisy was Luigi’s pride after all. He loved her with all his heart. But above all, he loved that he had beaten his brother in something for once: love.

Chapter Text

Link and Zelda were one a boring date again. The boringness of their recent dates made Link wonder why he wasn't dating the hot Zelda from Breath of the Wild. She didn't have ugly bangs like his girlfriend.

The thought gave him an idea. He should take Zelda to the hair salon. He could just sit and play on his phone as he waited for his girlfriend to get a decent haircut. What a perfect plan!

Link dragged Zelda all the way to the local hair salon that was conveniently empty. His girlfriend gave him confused stares.

"Why are we going to the hair salon for our date?"
"What's wrong with a hair salon date?"
"Well... It's not really a thing you do on a date. It's more like what you do before the date."
"Well, Zelda... Some people call this wisdom. Go ask Bayonetta, she'll tell you all about how hair salon dates are the best kind of dates."
"Fine we can go."

The couple entered the hair salon and was greeted by Bayonetta who worked there. Link told her to get rid of Zelda's ugly bangs while Zelda wasn't listening.

Zelda got her hair cut while Link played on his phone. He was playing until he received a phone call. He excused himself and exited the salon to answer it. Zelda took this opportunity to ask Bayonetta about hair salon dates.

"Are they really the best kind of dates?"
"Of course. You don't get any better kind of date. You don't even have to waste time preparing before hand."
"Huh... That makes sense. I've taken at least three hours to prepare for every date I've had."

Link was on the phone with Marth who had decided to rant to him about his day. Link wished Marth would rant to someone else for once But every time the prince tried to, it ended up pretty weird. Usually involving a big mess, broken phones and occasionally a room on fire.

"Are you done, Marth? I'm on a hair salon date."
"A-a hair salon date?" Marth replied trying to stop himself from laughing.
"Yes, you've got a problem with that?"
"No, it's... It's just pretty... Unique?"

If Marth were there, Link would have given him a death glare. He was about to hang up on his friend until he heard a background voice asking about Link's room being on fire.

"Marth, why is my room on fire?"
"Took Link got into a terrible fight with Young Link."
"Did they? They've never gotten into one before. Are you sure it wasn't you and Roy again?"
"For once, yes. Now go back to your dumbass date."

Marth hung up shocking Link. Usually he'd have to be the one to hang up after hearing the prince rant for an hour. Was this a sign of a positive future? Maybe.

Link entered the salon feeling pretty satisfied. His great day was about to get better. He couldn't wait to see Zelda with a decent haircut.

Zelda ran up to Link with the biggest grin possible and the ugliest bangs possible. Link's jaw dropped, he was completely speechless and full of shock.

Zelda assumed that her boyfriend was completely in awe and thanked Bayonetta for her haircut.

The two returned to the Smash Mansion receiving weird glances. No one knew whether it was because of Link's expression or Zelda's ugly bangs.

Chapter Text

Marth was walking around the Smash Mansion looking for Roy since all his other friends were out.

After searching for an hour, he found the redhead looking at a thick book in the living room.

"What are you looking at?"

"The photo album we made back in the old Melee days."

"I though you had forgotten."

"Why would I? We wasted so much time working on this."

"Can I look at it with you?"

"Sure."

The duo spent their morning reminiscing about their memories. They really had had a blast back in the old days.

Marth and Roy had always been close ever since they first met. They'd prank anyone, they'd sneak into the kitchen to take snacks, they'd do everything and anything together. It helped that they could actually understand each other unlike everyone else.

Even after looking at the whole album, the two friends continued talking about how much fun the old days were.

"You know, we've really changed a lot," Roy told Marth.

"Yeah, we have... Especially you... You've changed a lot. You've gotten taller, smarter, stronger..."

"Does it bother you?"

"W-what!? Of course not! It's just..."

Marth knew his face was redder than Roy's hair. But he had to do it, he'd spent too much time not saying anything.

"R-Roy... Can I tell you something?"

"Is something wrong? Your face is all red."

"No... I'm fine. I just need to tell you something."

"Go ahead."

"I... I-I'm-"

"All fighters must go outside," a loud voice belonging to Master Hand ordered, "There is fire! I repeat, all fighter fighters must go outside."

Marth was pretty pissed at Master Hand for ruining his confession. He didn't have time to mentally rant because Roy grabbed his hand and took him outside.

All the fighters that had been in the Smash Mansion were extremely annoyed. It didn't help that Crazy Hand announced that the fire was only in the Links' room but that everyone still had to stay outside.

Marth took out his phone and called Link since he needed to rant.

"What is it Marth?"

"You remember that time you asked if Roy and I were finally together?"

"Wait, are you two actually together now?"

"No... Master Hand had to ruin everything."

Marth ranted to Link until the latter informed him about a hair salon date. Marth had to keep himself from laughing out loud because he was already being stared at by some of the other fighters.

Marth overheard someone talking about how Toon Link and Young Link had set the room on fire because they had a bet on whether a microwave would explode if they put Nutella wrapped in aluminium in it. He hadn't realized Link had also heard that his room was on fire and was caught off guard by his friend's question.

"Marth, why is my room on fire?"

Marth didn't know what to tell the Hylian. There was no way he'd believe the true story. That left Marth with only one option.

"Took Link got into a terrible fight with Young Link."

"Did they? They've never gotten into one before. Are you sure it wasn't you and Roy again?"

"For once, yes. Now go back to your dumbass date."

Marth hung up. He didn't want to deal with Link anymore. He had finished his rant anyway. He was free to go on as normal completely unaware that Toon Link had heard the whole conversation.

"What does having a crush on Roy mean?" Toon Link asked Roy, "I heard Marth mention something about him having one on you."

The young Hylian's question embarrassed the redhead so much that he accidentally set the whole mansion on fire.

Chapter Text

R.O.B. was preparing itself for its date with Marth’s iPhone. It took out its favorite oil and rubbed it on itself. Now, it was perfect for its date.

But wait! It had forgotten something extremely important, a present! R.O.B. didn’t have time to go to town and buy one. It was going to have to find something in the mansion.

The people that had the most interesting items were all out and everyone who wasn’t didn’t want to give away anything. R.O.B. was not going on its date without a present, so it had to come up with a plan involving bribery.

R.O.B. went to the kitchen to find some food it could use to bribe somebody. Sadly, stocks were really low, so all R.O.B. could find was a pot of Nutella. It would only be enough to bribe a kid, but a bad present was better than no present. It was the thought that counted after all.

All R.O.B. had to do now was bribe some stupid brat. By pure coincidence, Toon Link and Young Link entered the kitchen.

“Damn it!” Toon cursed, “Where’s the god damn Nutella?”

“Toon, you shouldn’t swear!” Young Link snapped.

“Whatever, I bet you were swearing the whole time when your wife fucked you.”

“What!? But I’m still a virgin!”

“That’s not what I heard when I first met your descendant.”

This was R.O.B.’s chance. When Toon Link wanted something, he would do anything to get it. R.O.B. was about to use this personality trait to its advantage.

“I have the last pot of Nutella,” it announced.

“Give it to me!” Toon ordered.

“On one condition.”

“I’ll do anything! I just want the Nutella pot!”

“I need a present for my wife.”


 

Toon Link took R.O.B. to the room he shared with Link and Young Link. There weren’t many interesting things to give since all the interesting stuff belonged to Link. But it wasn’t as though Link was ever angry, Toon Link had never seen the guy pissed off before, so as far as he was aware, Link couldn’t get mad.

The young Hylian offered R.O.B. to choose whatever it wanted in exchange for the last pot of Nutella. R.O.B. closely examined all of Link’s belongings. It couldn’t find anything suitable for its wife. Link was an android peasant so he didn’t own anything for iPhones. Freaking pleb.

R.O.B. looked at all of Toon Link’s belongings but they were so dirty and messy that no one would even consider stealing them. If R.O.B. could sigh, it would have sighed.

It told the young Hylian that it couldn’t find anything. Toon Link couldn’t accept that. If R.O.B. left empty-handed, that would mean he wouldn’t get any Nutella.

“I’ve got an idea!” Toon Link declared, “I’ll share my Nutella with Young Link, that way you can take something that belongs to him!”

“What!?” Young Link shouted as he dropped his Switch in surprise.

“It’s a win-win situation!”

“Fine, but I’m deciding how we’re eating the Nutella.”

“Deal!”

After looking through Young Link’s belongings, R.O.B. found the perfect gift, a beautiful bottle with a fairy inside. If R.O.B. had a mouth, it would have grinned.

Grinning was exactly what Young Link was doing. He had wanted to get rid of that cursed fairy for ages.

“That’s perfect, R.O.B.!” the boy smiled, “She’ll love it!”

R.O.B. gave the two Links the Nutella and left the room feeling satisfied. The Link duo went to the kitchen to prepare their Nutella.

“You know, Nutella tastes better when it’s warm,” Young Link admitted.

“So, let’s shove it in the microwave!” Toon Link yelled as he wrapped the Nutella pot with aluminum foil.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m making it so that it warms up faster. I can’t wait any longer to eat my Nutella!”

“It’s our Nutella! You’re going to make the microwave explode.”

“If it explodes, I’ll give you my desserts for a week.”

“Fine!”

Toon Link pressed the start button and watched with anticipation the Nutella pot turning inside the microwave. A weird smell filled the air after a few seconds. Toon Link assumed it was just someone cooking until he heard Young Link call him.

“The smell’s coming from the microwave!” the time traveler shouted, “I think the microwave’s going to explode!”

“What!?”

“We need to get out! There’s fire inside the microwave!”

“God, damn it!”

The two boys ran out of the kitchen just in time. They looked through the door and saw an explosion. Soon after, the fire alarm was ringing and all the fighters met outside the mansion.

Young Link didn’t even try to hide the fact that he had let Toon Link make the microwave explode. The hands ended up lecturing him and Toon Link, but the latter got bored and walked off because Marth’s phone call with Link sounded way more interesting.

“You know, Link, I think someone is purposely trying to get in my way,” the prince ranted, “It’s like I’m cursed.”

“Two failed attempts doesn’t mean anything, Marth.”

“But ever since I first had a crush on Roy, something or someone’s been ruining everything!”

Toon Link wanted to make fun of Marth for having shit English. Toon Link wasn’t great at English, but even he knew that it was “crushed” and not “had a crush on”. But maybe Marth translated a Japanese expression into English.

Toon Link wanted to be a hundred percent sure that he knew what Marth was saying. It would be really embarrassing to make fun of him only to learn that he meant a completely different thing.

The Hylian didn’t have to bother looking for someone who spoke Japanese, because Roy just happened to walk by.

“What does having a crush on Roy mean?” Toon Link asked Roy, “I heard Marth mention something about him having one on you.”

The redhead took a few moments to process the information he had received before feeling all of his blood rushing to his face. His face was now redder than his hair, but that didn’t matter. Roy was feeling extremely embarrassed, he had to find a way to get rid of the embarrassing emotions he was feeling.

To chase away the embarrassment, Roy decided to set something on fire. But that didn’t help, so he set something else on fire. And then something else… Before he realized it, the whole mansion was on fire.

Toon Link felt bad for Roy. The redhead looked so angry and frustrated. The Hylian didn’t think “having a crush” was such a huge insult. Roy must have been feeling so betrayed knowing Marth had a crush on him.

Chapter Text

Ganondorf was ready for a new day at work. He loved it way too much, it was just the absolute best. It actually made him want to quit being an evil king. There was just something so satisfying about “helping” people by doing absolute bullshit.

Ganondorf smirked as he heard a new customer enter the Apple store and walk his way. The Gerudo couldn’t help but wonder what weird request he was going to have today.

“Hello, customer service here,” Ganondorf glared in a successful attempt to hide his grin.

“Bro, I need help,” Bowser sighed.

Ganondorf’s mood immediately changed. If Bowser needed help, that meant serious bro business was going on. If there was something Ganondorf took seriously, it was serious bro business.

“What is it, bro?”

“I… I don’t think I can keep on going on like this...”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been chasing after Peach for too long and it’s taken a toll on my mental health. I need to get rid of my feelings for her.”

“All right, let’s meet at midday at the pizza place.”


 

After having lunch, the two men discussed their serious bro business. Bowser was one of the many poor unfortunate souls affected by what scientists call the Catria syndrome. The Catria syndrome is when someone is in love with somebody who will never love them back. It sadly affects many people and is extremely hard to cure. Famous victims of the Catria syndrome include Mario, android phones and pretty much any guy in love with Samus.

“Okay, I think I have a solution to your problem,” Ganondorf announced, “We need you to get laid.”

“But with who?”

“I’m not sure, but there’s gotta be someone who wants to hook up with you. This world is full of strange people.”

“But how will I find someone?”

“Using a dating website.”


 

The two kings returned to the Apple store to use the computers. Ganondorf, being the top employee and an asset to the company, was allowed to do whatever he fucking wanted. So, no one complained about him slacking off.

Bowser filled in his profile. It would have been easy if he weren’t so obsessed with Peach. Ganondorf couldn’t help but facepalm when he saw Bowser write “kidnapping Peach is my hobby”. Who would want to date a single dad that likes kidnapping Peach?

“I got a message!” Bowser gasped, “From a cute girl!”

“You’ve gotta be shitting me,” Ganondorf cursed as he checked the computer to make sure the message was just some troll.

It wasn’t. A cute blonde koopa girl was genuinely interested in Bowser. Her profile was extremely consistent. She was a single mom with one son and seven daughters and she loved kidnapping some guy named Plumb.

“Wait!? Isn’t she a bit too similar to you?” Ganondorf asked.

“Yeah, but she’s hot. She even looks like Peach.”

Ganondorf didn’t comment, but he knew something fishy was going on.


 

Bowser got ready for his date. He was really excited to finally have one. He had never been on a date except for that one time with Miyamoto.

After spraying on some cologne and brushing his teeth (really important, kids), he made his way to the local fancy restaurant. Being royalty, Bowser could afford to buy the whole restaurant if he wanted.

Once he arrived, he was greeted by a waiter who was actually the spy everyone always hired. The waiter led Bowser to a fancy table decorated with fancy flowers and fancy silverware.

The koopa king waited for his date. He had never been so excited for a date (not surprising considering Miyamoto was the only person he had gone on a date with). He couldn’t wait to meet her in person.

Speaking of the devil, here she came!

“Bowser!” yelled a beautiful sexy voice full of joy.

The beautiful woman ran up to the fancy table and gave Bowser a kiss on the cheek. The two single parents instantly hit it off. They had so much in common, same hobbies, same favorite animals, same favorite drinks, same everything really.

“So, Bowser, what do you do for a living?” the blonde asked.

“I’m a king, so I rule. But I also participate in a tournament called Super Smash Bros. I’ve been in it since Melee. Aka the best one. What about you?”

“I’m a queen, so I also rule. All though, I’m also part of a tournament called Super Bash Sisters. I debuted in the second tournament. It’s also considered to have been the best one.”

“You know, my kids also joined me in the last tournament.”

“So did mine!”

The two were really getting along. They were practically genderbent versions of each other.

The couple was about to kiss when a door was broken with a sword that’s only supposed to be used for taunts and that one move.

“Bowser! She’s you from a different universe!” Ganondorf shouted.

As soon as he finished his sentence, a window was broken with a sword that’s only supposed to be used for taunts and that one move.

“Bowsette! He’s you from a different universe!” a green-skinned ginger woman yelled.

“What!?” the two koopas shrieked in unison.

“You two are genderbent versions of each other,” the gerudo explained, “Bowsette and I were taking a walk and ended up in this universe. Before I knew it, Bowsette had signed onto a dating website for koopa.”

“It’s not my fault that all the guys back at home only want me for my boobs!” the blonde argued, “Even if Bowser might have only replied to me because of my boobs, he ended up genuinely interested in me and my hobbies!”

“That’s because two are the same person! Plus, your children need you back at home.”

“Why doesn’t Bowsette just bring over her children and stay with me?” Bowser suggested.

“That’s a great idea!” Bowsette cheered, “That way we can all be one big family!”

“That’s cute and all,” Ganondorf started, “But there’s a part in our contract that says no one’s allowed to bring extra children, family and shit to the Smash Mansion.”

“And our contract states that we can only leave Super Bash Sisters, if we get banned,” female Ganondorf added.

The two koopa were really distraught by the reality of their situation. It seemed destiny didn’t want them together. But they’d never forget each other.

“It seems we won’t be able to ever be together,” Bowsette said full of sadness.

“Yeah...” Bowser replied, “I wish you luck kidnapping Plumb.”

“Thanks, I hope you get to kidnap Peach.”

The two koopa said their goodbyes and hugged before going their own separate ways.


 

“Aw man, I’m never gonna get it laid,” Bowser said as he slammed his head against the table in the cafeteria.

“On the bright side, Mario isn’t getting laid either.”

“You’re right! I haven’t lost this battle, yet! I’m gonna go kidnap Peach! See you guys later!”


 

Bowsette joined her friends at the cafeteria with a new resolve.

“All right, girls! I have yet to lose to Maria! Who wants to help me kidnap Plumb?”

“I want to!” Piranha plant yelled, “We’re gonna have so much fun!”

“Who the hell is she!?”

Chapter Text

Sleeping is for the weak. Mewtwo doesn’t need it. The only reason he sleeps is to escape the reality of being surrounded by idiots. That and he also likes spying on people’s dreams. He gets to learn a lot of things he couldn’t learn by brainwashing and mind-reading. You know, all that Freudian subconscious shit.

Spying on dreams is like a better version of YouTube, TV and Pornhub combined, all though sometimes the dreams look like they belong in the trash because of how boring they are. Luckily, Mewtwo is the most gifted pokemon in the world, so he can “fix” those dreams.

Being the sadistic prick he is, “fixing” a dream means making it funny or entertaining for him. One night, Jigglypuff was dreaming about singing in front of a crowd. Mewtwo could easily make the crowd stay awake. But is he gonna? No way! He had the entire crowd die. Poor Jigglypuff was traumatized.

Recently, the dreams had become very boring. They were all sappy and romantic. Except for Ganondorf’s which always involved the world ending, but Mewtwo had no reason to fix perfect dreams.

Mewtwo had to find a way to entertain himself. He would probably kill himself if he had to see another one of Captain Falcon’s OOC Samus dreams. Seriously, why were all the fighters so obsessed with love? That was the only thing in life he didn’t understand.

Mewtwo couldn’t help but feel pissed. He felt like he had been somehow betrayed by the other fighters. How hard could it be to have a funny dream?

This left Mewtwo with only one choice: he had to get his revenge on those with shit dreams.


 

The next morning, Ganondorf was awoken by the sound of a woman shouting.

“God, shut the fuck up, you god damn bitch!” the gerudo king shouted.

“But Ganondorf! Look! I’m hot!”

“What the- What are you doing here, Bowsette?”

“I’m not Bowsette, I’m Bowser but I somehow turned into her.”

“You also got turned into a girl?” Dedede asked.

“Yeah! Let’s go see if the others got turned too!”

Ganondorf decided he wasn’t going to deal with any of this shit, so he went back to sleep.


 

Dedede and Bowser went out of their room and entered a very noisy hallway. It seemed like most of the other fighters had also been genderbent and they weren’t happy about it. Except for Link, but she was happy for a completely different reason.

“Guys, you have to see the bright side!” the blonde told her friends, “Since Marth is now a girl, we can finally have him win the best waifu competition!”

“You’re right!” female Roy agreed, “He always gets the most votes but Master Hand always disqualifies him for not being a girl. Our votes will finally mean something now! I bet we won’t have to bribe anyone to vote since Marth’s a pretty hot girl now!”

“Yeah!”

“Wait, you’ve been voting for Marth all this time?” a male Zelda interrupted the conversation, “I’ve been losing by one vote to Samus all this time because you were voting for Marth? I can’t believe it!”

“Zelda, you know I only do it to piss him off. Plus who cares about some stupid waifu contest?”

“You, apparently.”

“All right, well… I’ve got a contest to organize, see ya later!”

Link and Roy left running towards the hands’ office and Zelda stared at them trying to contain his anger. The hylian noticed Bowser and Dedede staring at him and threatened to set them on fire. The two genderbent villains continued their way through the hall when they noticed a blue-haired man crying.

“Um… What’s wrong, Lucina?” Dedede asked unsure of what to do.

“I-I’m really unlucky!” the prince cried.

“Why?”

All Lucina did was point towards what appeared to be a genderbent version of Chrom. Bowser and Dedede didn’t really get what was wrong until Lucina mentioned something about being flat. The two offered to hang out with him to cheer him up.


 

Since it was still the morning, the trio went to the cafeteria. Sadly, there was a long noisy line. Kirby, who seemed completely unaffected in any way, was complaining about not having enough food. Why he hadn’t been affected was beyond the Dedede, but then again. Ganondorf hadn’t turned into a girl either. Dedede couldn’t continue her reflections because Lucina had spotted Marth in the queue and suggested asking her if they could cut in line.

Lucina tried getting Marth’s attention, but waving towards someone who’s back was facing you wasn’t a very effective method of getting someone’s attention. It didn’t help that Marth was in the middle of an extremely one-sided conversation with female Ike and loli Pit.

“And I’m telling you, if I win Link’s stupid contest, I won’t ever live it down! Everyone’s going to end up calling me princess Martha until I die.”

“Yes, very interesting,” Ike replied with a face that screamed ‘somebody please kill me’.

“What!? Are you two even listening?”

“Of course!” Pit answered with a fake smile, “Why wouldn’t we listen to you ramble on and on about how much of a piece of shit Link is? I also hate Link and don’t want him to end up satisfied.”

“Good, so as I was saying-”

“Hero-King, Marth!” Lucina yelled interrupting Marth’s rant.

Ike and Pit sighed in relief and mentally thanked Lucina. Marth, on the other hand, was pretty pissed off. If Lucina had been anyone else, Marth would have yelled at them. But Marth needed Lucina on her side, so she faked a smile, turned her head and asked what Lucina wanted.

“Could we line up with you and your friends?”

“Fine, but you’ve got to stay behind.”

After waiting in line and getting their breakfast, the six genderbent people sat down around a table which would normally also include Link and Roy. Lucina was pretty excited since Marth was sitting between Pit and Ike, he’d get to sit in front of her.

The next few minutes would be the worst minutes of Lucina’s life.

Lucina sat down and smiled at Marth who seemed more interested in the plate in front of her. Because everyone else was busy stuffing their faces with food, it was up to Lucina to start a conversation.

“Hero-”

“Marth.”

“Um, yes… He- I mean, Marth… How have you been adjusting?”

“It all started when I woke up. Everything seemed normal since the room was on fire. But then Roy told me to get up and I said no, so he set my bed on fire. But he made sure I was out of it before he did that. And then it turned out he was actually a girl. So, I laughed at her and she pulled my hair that had somehow grown by like a meter. Then she told me to look down and I noticed I had a huge pair of boobs. At first, I thought it was some kind of weird prank, but turns out they’re real.”

“I-I see...”

“So, then I freaked out and somehow managed to spread the fire even more. Then I had a fight with Roy which made Ike wake up and say something about stopping intellectual pensions for one second but it sounded pretty funny since she had a girly voice.”

“I said ‘can you two please stop your sexual tensions for even a second’,” Ike corrected.

“Ike, I told you there are no sexual tensions going on between Roy and...”

“We’re gonna need to borrow Marth for a few minutes,” Roy said appearing out of nowhere with Link and pulling Marth out of her chair.

The princess asked for help but no one helped. Lucina was too depressed about being unlucky, Ike and Pit pretended to choke on their food and Dedede and Bowser just found the whole scene funny. No one else batted and eye because Link and Roy dragging Marth somewhere was a pretty normal occurrence at the Smash Mansion.

Once the two fire emblem lords where out of sight, Pit and Ike sighed in relief. Lucina continued crying about how unlucky he was until he had a realization.

“We just let Hero-King Marth get kidnapped!”

Chapter Text

The room was black, pitch black in fact. So dark, all you could hear was the faint sound of breathing. Then, there was light.

“Marth,” Master Hand said, “I’m going to need you to sign these papers.”

“Excuse me, but I’ve got better things to do than sign papers,” the princess protested, “What are they anyway?”

“I need to change your gender to female so that you can be accepted into the waifu contest.”

All Marth could do was slam her head onto the desk with an aura that screamed: “Why me?”.

“Marth, are you all right?” Link asked.

“No! Why do I need to sign stupid papers for your stupid contest?”

“It’ll only be for a day. Tomorrow, you’ll be registered as a guy again.”

“But Crazy Hand’s the one in charge with registering everyone’s information. He never changes anything unless he’s forced to. Roy’s still registered as being 15 and his ID photo hasn’t been updated since Melee.”

“Oh, that explains why Palutena keeps telling Pit I’m 15 when I’m not,” Roy realized, “I thought she was just stupid.”


 

Bowser held a meeting with Lucina, Dedede, Pit and Ike to find a way to rescue Marth. Bowser had designated herself as the leader, Ike as the strategist, Pit as the spy, Dedede as the tank and Lucina as the jack-of-all-trades. She was pretty satisfied with her decision and was sure she had done the right choice.

“Ike, what’s the plan?”

“I don’t know, I usually get someone else to come up with it.”

“Just say the first thing to come to mind.”

“Um… We break into Master Hand’s office when Pit tells us to, Dedede faces off Master Hand because Master Hand can’t hurt one of Sakurai’s favorites and Lucina gets Marth out.”

“Perfect!”


 

Pit walked towards Master Hand’s office. She pretended to just be waiting for her turn to speak with him, but she was secretly eavesdropping. All she could hear were shouts belonging to Master Hand. When the shouting stopped, she made a sign indicating it was time to break in.

Dedede slammed the door open and jumped on top of Master Hand. She made sure the hand stayed in place so that the others could enter.

“Hero-King, Marth!” Lucina shouted, “We’ve come to- Hero-King Marth? Where’s Hero-King Marth?”

Now that Bowser thought about it, Marth was nowhere in sight. Bowser started looking around, maybe she had gotten scared and hid somewhere. The queen looked everywhere but all she found was a paper signed by Marth in which she agreed to change her gender for a day. Then, the koopa noticed the window was open. She looked out and saw Roy and Link building a stage.

“I think I know what we need to do.”

 

The smash mansion was decorated with many posters for the waifu contest. They were impossible to miss unless you were blind, but it was okay since ads for the contest where being played over the speakers every ten minutes.

In less than an hour, everyone, including the assist trophies and everyone from town, had gathered at the smash mansion for the contest.

Among the crowd, hid five smashers with a plan. They knew what had to be done, there was no way they’d fail their self-assigned mission.

While the announcer commentated, the five smashers prepared themselves. They were each equipped with ropes that they would use to save Marth. As the announcer announced the placings, the five fighters made their way to the front row. Now they had a perfect view of the stage.

It was time for the top three waifus to be announced, this meant that it was time to play very close attention to what was going on on stage. But this is when tragedy struck the team.

“Get your burgers!” a vendor yelled, “Only 3.99!”

“I’m gonna go get a burger,” Ike said as she gave Pit her ropes, “Take care of these.”

“Get me one too!”

Meanwhile, Bowser had gotten into a very interesting conversation with possibly Roy’s mom.

“So, you’re telling me that Eliwood’s sick with amnesia and Hector’s dead?” Lyn asked.

“Yeah… If it makes you feel better, Mario kills some of my friends every day.”

“Wow, that’s so mean. I’m surprised you’re not hell-bent on revenge.”

“We sometimes play golf together.”

Very interesting indeed.

Ike returned with two burgers right on time for the winner’s announcement. She and Pit happily ate their burgers and for a while, it seemed like nothing else besides their burgers mattered.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer smirked, “I present to you the winner of the waifu competition, Marth Lowell!”

The crowd went crazy when the Altean princess appeared on stage. Lucina cried tears of joy, he was so proud of his idol. Bowser was still chatting with Lyn. Pit and Ike had left to go buy more burgers since one burger is never enough.

Dedede, being the only one to remember the plan, threw the rope on the stage and accidentally made the announcer slip and fall into a puddle of mud. The crowd was silent for exactly half a second before Link and Roy arrived with the special prize tiara.

“After all those losses, you finally got the victory you deserved,” Link cried.

“You rigged the contest in my favor,” Marth replied.

“And we’d do it all over again,” Roy smiled.

Roy and Link hugged Marth and it took all the princess’ willpower to not kick them. She wasn’t the only one to be pissed though. Dedede was pretty angry her time had gotten wasted. She should have just spent her whole day at the cafeteria.

Suddenly a bright light flashed and for a second everyone was blinded.

“What just happened?” Dedede asked as he looked around to see how everyone else was doing.

“I’m a guy again!” Marth cheered before hearing some camera sounds and feeling annoyed, “I sometimes hate you two...”

“All right!” Roy grinned, “I got some nice shots!”

“Nice!” Link said before grabbing a microphone and yelling, “Cloud, you’re next!”

“Fuck you, Link!” the edgy blond yelled back.


 

That evening, Dedede, Bowser and Lucina sat around a table in the cafeteria. They couldn’t believe they had wasted so much time.

“I wonder why we were genderbent...” Lucina sighed.

“Probably someone playing a prank on us,” Bowser theorized.

“Hey, where are Pit and Ike?” Dedede asked.


 

The vendor had tears in her eyes. She had never met such demanding costumers in her life. There was no way they were normal.

“If we don’t have ten thousand burgers in the next ten minutes, I’ll personally take you to see Mr. Sakurai,” Ike threatened.

“You don’t wanna piss off Sakurai, do you?” Pit taunted, “I don’t think he’ll take nicely to one of his favorites being mistreated.”

“S-someone help me!” the vendor cried.


 

Mewtwo was pretty satisfied. The first part of his revenge plan had gone smoothly. He now had perfect blackmail material. Soon, the other fighters would know what it felt like to visit other people’s boring dreams.

Chapter Text

Kirby was happily walking down the hallway. He was really excited to get his dinner. The crazy day’s events had made him really hungry. He needed his god damn dinner if he wanted to get through the rest of the day with no problems.

When he arrived at the cafeteria, he saw Bayonetta and Palutena in line. That was weird, Kirby was usually the first in line at dinner time and he knew those two never visited the cafeteria. Something fishy was going on.

“Have you ever thought about adopting a child?” Bayonetta asked Palutena.

“Not really. I’ve kind of always considered Pit to sorta be my son,” the goddess replied.

“Do you happen to know anything about the procedures of adopting a child?”

“Yeah, I can explain it all to you.”

Yep, something fishy was definitely going on.

Kirby took his food and sat at the table right next to theirs to eavesdrop on their conversation. He never thought Bayonetta would consider adopting someone. Maybe she felt bad for taunting in front of Lucas.


 

Kirby followed the two women all day but he couldn’t figure out who Bayonetta was trying to adopt. He had been following them so closely that he ended up in Master Hand’s office with them. Not that anyone had realized.

Bayonetta explained to Master Hand that she wanted to adopt a child. Palutena also added that she wanted to adopt one too.

“Who are you planning on adopting?” the hand asked.

Kirby knew it was the moment of truth. Now, he’d who was going to get adopted. His money was on Lucas (not that he’d lose any if he was wrong since he wasn’t betting with anyone).

“Kirby!” the two women answered in unison.

“Excuse me, what the fuck!?” Kirby yelled making his presence known, “I’m a grown-ass Kirby with enough power to take on the entire universe. I have to hold back all of my power and pretend to be a dumb ass baby because of how overpowered I am. I am literally the Jesus of this universe, I am the son of the god, Sakurai. I do not need a mom!”

Master Hand, Palutena and Bayonetta stayed silent trying to process what had happened. Kirby suddenly realized he had completely broken character. So much in fact, that it made Marth look in character and he was the king of out of characterness.

As Kirby processed what he had just done, Bayonetta and Palutena were fighting over who got to adopt Kirby.

“I’m clearly more capable of taking care of children!” Palutena argued.

“Yes, because Pit being unable to read is taking good care of children,” Bayonetta replied.

“You made Lucas cry the first time you met him!”

“And now he loves me. It shows that I am capable of redeeming myself and that I can get children to love me no matter what!”

“Ladies, how about-” Master Hand started before being shouted at.

“Shut up, Master Hand!”

The arguing continued for about an hour until Crazy Hand entered the office.

“Guys, we need to do our part,” the hand interrupted, “We need to give T-Series all our bitch lasagnas!”

Everyone stared at the crazy hand with confusion.

“What?”

The arguing continued which gave Crazy Hand an idea.

“Why don’t you both adopt Kirby?”

“T-that’s...” Palutena stuttered before grinning, “A great idea!”

“It’s a win-win situation!” Bayonetta added, “Now Kirby gets two mums!”

“Of, fuck my life,” the pink puff cursed.


 

If this was an anime, it would have shown a photo sequence of Kirby having a good time with his new moms.

But this isn’t an anime, so we only get a stupid good night scene.

“Good night, Kirby!” Palutena smiled as she covered Kirby with a blanket.

“Good night, mom...”

“Sleep well,” Bayonetta said as she kissed him on the forehead (or however it works for kirbies).

“Yes, mum...”

The touching moment was interrupted by a door being opened by Meta Knight.

“Kirby, what are they doing in our room?”

Chapter Text

Pit felt very bad for Link. The poor guy had amnesia and Palutena said there was nothing that could be done. Out of all the Links he had ever met, this Link was the only one he had ever felt bad for.

However, Pit was also kinda pissed at the new Link. The old Link had been a motherfucking badass rival. He didn’t take shit from anyone, would beat you up and blackmail you whenever he could and he always had a sarcastic response for everything. He was the kind of rival you loved to hate.

But the new Link was a big dork at heart, sure, sometimes he was kind of a dick, but he was still a very nice guy most of the time. He was just like one of those new pokemon rivals that are fine with you mopping the floor with them. Really makes you miss jerk rivals, huh?

Pit really missed his epic rivalry with Link. He didn’t have a cool rival anymore. All he had were those insane people that called themselves his friends, his friends and the people he never talks to.

Man, Pit’s life is sad. If it carried on this way, he’d end up completely depressed. This is why Pit needed to find a solution to his problem.

There was only one solution Pit could think of: he had to turn Link into the biggest asshole imaginable.

Pit only knew one person who was a bigger asshole than old Link. This son of a bitch shared Pit’s dislike for old Link back in Brawl and 4. There was no way he’d turn down his offer.

“I’m sorry, Pit,” Marth apologized, “I don’t think this Link has what it takes to be a giant douchebag. You have to be born an asshole like the old Link to reach high tiers of douchebaggery.”

“What? But what about those people with sad tragic childhoods that turn out evil?”

“I guess if you manage to piss him off a lot, you could be able to turn him into one.”

 

And that’s how Pit found himself doodling bad drawings in a notebook. Since he couldn’t read or write, Pit had to plan using terrible unrecognizable drawings. After about five minutes of planning, he had come up with the best plan to piss off Link.

Pit knew Link loved Zelda, probably. So, if he managed to get Zelda to fall in love with him, Link would hate him.


 

Link and Zelda were at the park on a boring date. The park was full of annoying brats that couldn’t keep their traps shut. Honestly, it was probably the worst date imaginable. This made it the perfect date to ruin.

Pit found Link and Zelda sitting on a bench and asked them if he could sit with them. Being the nice people that they were, the two Hylians allowed the angel to sit with them.

“Hey, Zelda, what do you think about donuts?” the angel asked.

“I love them, they’re delicious!”

“I could go get you some.”

“That’s so sweet of you! Link, do you want some?”

“What?” Link said, his voice filled with annoyance.

“Do you want some donuts?”

“Sure, whatever.”

Pit knew his plan was working, Link appeared to be very irritated. Soon, he’d have an epic rivalry once again.

Pit returned with donuts and continued speaking with Zelda to piss off Link. After a while, Pit decided it was time to leave.

“See you later,” the angel smiled, “I hope we get to hang out again!”

“I hope so too!” Zelda replied.

Pit left feeling satisfied. He was sure that Link would confront him full of rage at dinner time.

“That was fun,” the princess told her boyfriend, “I hope the three of us get to hang out again.”

“Yes, I can’t wait.”


 

It was finally dinner time. Pit made sure he was the first one to arrive at his usual table. He knew Link would be early to confront him.

By seven thirty, most of Pit’s friends had finished their meals and started eating their desserts. Link was still no where to be seen. Maybe Link was so pissed off that he didn’t want to come… That had to be it.

An hour later, Pit heard the cafeteria door being kicked open. Pit knew it had to be Link. Who else could it be?

“Wow, Pit?” Ike gasped dragging Marth and Roy behind him, “Since when have you been waiting for us?”

“I-Ike!? You haven’t had dinner yet?”

“Sadly, no… These two got into a one-hour long fight again. I had to force them here so that they wouldn’t starve.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” the disappointed angel sighed.

Pit ended up having to have dinner with the Fire Emblem trio. It was probably the worst dinner he had had in a while. The atmosphere was tense because Marth and Roy didn’t want to talk to each other. Pit was feeling depressed so he wasn’t cracking any jokes. Even Ike seemed to dislike the dinner since he didn’t eat as much as usual and was instead spending more time looking at his phone.

Pit was about to have the last bite of his bread when he heard the door being opened. He looked at the door and saw a blond man he supposedly hated. Pit couldn’t help but smirk in anticipation for the confrontation.

When Link sat down at the table with his friends, he seemed fine. Probably just hiding his anger. Links, except Toon Link, were known for being good at hiding their anger when necessary.

“What’s with the gloomy mood here?” the Hylian asked.

“The usual,” Ike answered, “Fights and who knows what upset Pit today.”

“I hope you all feel better tomorrow. I had to go through Hell so that Zelda would let me eat with you guys.”

“You chose us over your own girlfriend?” Marth asked, finally breaking his silence.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? You guys are my best friends.”

Pit knew why the Hylian had chosen his friends over his girlfriend. He couldn’t let Zelda feel his wrath since his relationship was already on the line.

“Hey, Pit? Can I talk to you?”

“Sure thing, Link.”

This was it! This was the moment Pit had been waiting for. He was fully prepared to hear Link yelling. He closed his eyes and smiled as he waited for the yelling to start. But all he heard was a “thanks”.

“T-thanks?” the angel stuttered.

“Yeah! If you continue flirting with Zelda, she’ll be head over heels in love with you and she’ll break up with me! I’ll finally be free and I won’t have to go through Hell to hang out with my friends.”

“You want to break up with Zelda?”

“Yeah, she’s kinda controlling and our dates are always boring. I think we started dating way too early. We probably should have gotten to know each other a bit more before dating.”

When Link left to go to the toilet, Pit let his wrath be known.

“God, I fucking hate him so much! He’s such an asshole! Fuck Link and his stupid thank yous! I hope he never gets his memories back!”

The furious angel kept slamming his head against a wall as his other friends watched with confusion.

“Why’s Pit acting like a teenage girl who’s angry at her crush?” Roy asked.

“My bet is that Link got a bigger dessert than him.”

“Isn’t he overreacting?”

“When is he not overreacting?”

“I really need to get better friends...” Marth muttered to himself.


 

Pit ended up having to spend the night at the infirmary because he got a concussion. His friends all visited him and brought him “get better” gifts. Link even made sure to bring Pit’s favorites snacks as a thank you.

Chapter Text

When Marth first joined Smash Bros back in the good old Melee days, he didn’t really think much of it at all. He thought it would just be tournaments and boring shit. But it ended up being pretty fun and gay and he made lots of friends. He became BFFs with Roy since he thought Roy was pretty hot and could speak Japanese unlike some people with thick Japanese accents.

The duo eventually learned how to speak English but Master Hand said they weren’t allowed to speak English during matches. No one knew why Master Hand decided that but most people assumed it was because he was too lazy to explain why they weren’t speaking Japanese anymore. Marth and Roy didn’t seem to mind that much since it let them beat opposing teams with ease and flirt without anyone knowing. Even they didn’t know that they were flirting with each other.

Marth would spend most of his time hanging out with Roy and Link who were way shorter than him. He had never been a tall person, but hanging out with shorter people that weren’t girls felt pretty satisfying. It was so satisfying that Marth ended up developing a huge ego because of it.

People say that Smash Bros can heavily alter your personality for some unknown reason. The fighters always insist that’s not the case. But Marth’s living proof of how bad it can affect you.

Despite becoming a huge asshole, Marth still managed to remain best friends with an overly energetic pyromaniac redhead and a blond idiot who enjoyed talking too much outside of matches. The trio had stupid adventures together, they managed to blow up the kitchen, they traumatized Young Link (don’t ask how)… They basically had a shit ton of fun mixed in with lots of ho yay.


 

However, everything changed once Master Hand decided to make a new tournament called Brawl. Because of the size of the mansion, he had to kick out some fighters (although rumor has it Pichu evolved and killed Pikachu).

Roy had to leave to go to war or something. His dad was sick and his mom had gotten hired as an assist trophy for Brawl, so this only left Roy to lead the army.

Link had to go save Hyrule and was replaced by another Link that was living proof he had gotten laid. The new Link was slightly shorter, gayer and more sarcastic than the old one. He was also hotter and there were rumors about him secretly being a furry.

Marth got to stay much to his disappointment and noticed some changes within himself. Of course, he was completely oblivious to the fact that his personality had completely changed. The biggest change he noticed was that he looked prettier. That was only natural of course, he was Marth Lowell, he was prettier and hotter than everyone else, no exceptions.

Marth managed to become friends with the gay Link despite the fact that they hated each other and argued all the time. Gay Link also introduced Marth to his new friends, Pit and Ike. Marth would have introduced himself normally but Master Hand insisted that Marth had to speak Japanese as to not confuse the newcomers.

That didn’t quite work out because gay Link didn’t understand Japanese so he couldn’t explain why Pit and Ike got kicked in the nuts when they called Marth “Miss”. Nevertheless, the four men ended up hanging out the whole time since gay pretty boys gotta stick together. Marth even managed to become best friends with Ike, but that’s ‘cause they never talked to each other, so they never got pissed off at each other. But to be honest, anything was better than being Link or Pit’s best friends. Those midgets were completely insane.


 

When the new tournament that Master Hand lazily named 4 was about to start, Marth noticed he had changed. The climate had changed his hair color and it was now a different shade of blue. Not that it mattered because he looked prettier and hotter.

Among Marth’s small group of best friends, Ike was the only one to go through any big changes. The guy had gotten really buff and made his friends look like midgets. Marth thought he looked like one of those ugly bara guys from yaoi manga, not that he had ever read a yaoi manga. He just knew that because of memes. Marth’s got better taste than gross bara yaoi manga anyways.

It was in this new tournament that Marth learned that he had descendants. He was pretty sure those descendants were descendants of another Marth in another universe because there was no way he’d ever leave Smash Bros. He did not want to return to a world where iPhones and showers didn’t exist. He also didn’t want to live in Altea knowing that there would be no technological advances in the future. He was used to dealing with bullshit, he hung out with Link after all, but that was way too much for even him to handle.

That and he was pretty gay for Roy, not that he'd admit it.


 

The tournament was being pretty normal like always until the hands decided to announce that more people were going to be joining. Marth honestly couldn’t care less about the newcomers but because of his position as a veteran, he was obliged to greet them.

He unenthusiastically greeted Mewtwo, Lucas and Ryu and was about to leave until Link told him he hadn’t greeted someone. Marth reluctantly followed Link towards where the last newcomer was. Marth saw a redhead speaking with some other people and was in complete disbelief. There was no way he was back, right? It was all just a dream.

The redhead turned around and smiled when he saw Marth. Marth smiled back and ran towards him. He jumped into the slightly shorter redhead’s arms and hugged him as he cried with tears of joy.

“I missed you so much, Roy,” the prince sobbed not caring that everyone else was staring, “I’m so glad you're back… Please don’t leave me again.”

“I won’t leave ever again,” Roy said as he hugged Marth.

“W-we’ll be together forever, right?”

“Forever.”

The two totally not gay BFFs were finally reunited.

 

Except that’s not what actually happened. That was just Roy’s gay fantasy.

 

The redhead turned around and smiled when he saw Marth. Marth smiled back and ran towards him. Roy also ran and the two separated friends hugged each other.

“What did I miss?” the short redhead asked.

“Not much,” Marth replied.

“Did you prank Master Hand and Crazy Hand?”

“Well, someone had to keep your legacy going. Of course, I was the only one qualified to do that.”

“Guess it’s time to prepare the best one ever.”

“Yes! But before that… I-I want to tell you something.”

“You don’t need to. I feel the same way.”

The two totally not gay for each other BFFs were finally reunited.

 

Except that didn’t happen either. That was just Marth’s gay fantasy.

 

The redhead turned around and smiled when he saw Marth. Marth smiled back and ran towards him. He was about to jump into Roy’s arms but he noticed something wrong. Something very wrong. Something so wrong it made Marth question if going through depression after losing his BFF that he totally doesn’t have a crush on was really worth it.

“Roy, are you taller than me?”


 

It took Marth about an hour and lots of yelling to accept the fact that Roy was now the taller one and was going to get to wear the pants in the relationship (well, it's not as though Marth would have ever been the one to wear them to be honest). Neither him nor Roy had ever expected this to happen. Roy had always looked up to Marth and always expected him to be taller and hotter than him, and Marth had forgotten that growing up was a thing and didn’t know it was possible for someone to be hotter than him.

But now, Marth was faced with a new problem. During Roy’s absence, he had become best friends with Ike out of convenience more than anything. He didn’t expect Roy to ever return and so he hadn’t planned on how to explain anything to his two friends.

He didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. What if Roy thought that he was replacing him? Marth was having a mental breakdown thinking about what would happen if the two ever met.

Everyone stared at the prince but didn’t think anything, Marth having mental breakdowns was something normal in the Smash Mansion. Master Hand had even made it mandatory for veterans to explain to newcomers that Marth having a mental breakdown was nothing to be worried about.


 

One mental breakdown later, Marth had a plan. Now that Roy was back, he wasn’t the best planner of his friend group anymore, but that didn’t matter, because unlike Link, Pit and Ike, he could at least plan shit. Emphasis on the shit.

He was about to set his plan in motion when he saw Roy and Ike speaking. Marth was mentally screaming, his plan had been ruined before it even started.

He calmed himself down and walked towards his two friends. He attempted to hide his death glare but to no avail. His two friends didn’t know what was pissing Marth off and were getting worried.

“Marth, are you alright?” Ike asked.

“If it’s about the height thing, I’ll apologize again,” Roy added.

“Did the height thing really piss him off?”

“Yeah… We ended up arguing for an hour. Felt like the good old days.”

“And here, I thought Marth and Link were bad… Those two argue at least for half an hour every day.”

“Really? I guess Marth must really be into people he can argue a lot with.”

“I’m pretty sure he isn’t into Link. They didn’t argue that much back in Brawl. Although Link told me that Marth was depressed during Brawl because he really missed something or someone. I didn't care so I didn't listen and now I can't remember what he said.”

“Poor Marth, he must miss his home. That must be why he wears his tiara all the time!”

“Oh, I thought he was just gay.”

“That too.”

Marth stared at his two friends with shock. They hadn’t even known each other for a day and they were already getting along like they were best friends. Heck, they were already shitting on him. This pissed off Marth even more, Ike was supposed to be his best friend and Roy his future boyfriend. How was that supposed to work if Ike and Roy became BFFs and hooked up?

Marth ended up having to go to Mewtwo’s anger management class after threatening to set Roy and Ike on fire. No one was allowed to question why Mewtwo was in charge of that class, all the fighters knew was that Crazy Hand had come up with the idea and the class somehow worked. Most people assumed the classes were just brainwashing sessions since everyone who attended reported being bored or asleep during the whole class.


 

By the time the Ultimate tournament had finished being planned, the stupid gay friendship problems had been solved.

Marth happily walked down the hallway with a paper in his hand. He was really excited to show the paper to Roy. The redhead might now be taller and hotter than him, but at least he didn’t have the right to speak English during-

“No, way!” Roy smiled as he ran towards his best friend with a paper in his hand, “You’re allowed to speak English too? This is awesome! Now we can finally team up with more people than just Cloud!”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah! All though, poor Cloud… Master Hand won’t let him speak English despite him being completely fluent in it.”

“Is that all you want to tell me?”

“No, there’s more. You know how Master Hand is letting us be the personal trainers of certain fighters?”

“Yeah, like me training Lucina. What about it?”

“Master Hand made me Chrom’s personal trainer! Ike also helps out from time to time.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Marth shouted instantly ruining all of his anger management class’s progress.

Roy didn’t know why Marth was so angry. Maybe he was jealous? Nah, that was stupid. Marth didn't like him that much anyway. He definitely was tired of dealing with his descendants, that was definitely it.

Marth excused himself to go to the bathroom. He locked the door and looked at himself in the mirror. He was the most beautiful he had ever been. That was the problem, he was getting girlier with age. Roy had gotten buffer and stronger. While he wasn’t the best fighter of the lot, he kept improving with all his training. Heck, now he was training Chrom with Ike and hanging out with him all the time. It was like Roy was getting revenge on him or some shit. Marth, on the other hand, was doing worse with every tournament. He had been among the top 3 during Melee, he was always among the top 10 in Brawl, but in 4, he only managed to be in the top 10 once. And he barely got to spend any time with Roy.

He couldn’t stay angry at Roy forever. He needed to do something about this. If he didn’t, he’d never get to date him. So, swallowing all of his pride, he asked Roy a question he had never wanted to ask.

“C-can I… Um… You know… Do it... With you?”

“What!? But you always told me that you would never do it with me!”

“W-well… I changed my mind...”

If Roy hadn’t been so used to Marth always looking hot while acting weird, he would have called Mewtwo or a psychologist. Heck, he might have even warned everyone about an upcoming apocalypse.


 

Marth and Roy went to the training room where they met up with Ike. They worked hard to come up with a plan. After an hour of planning, Roy managed to create a training schedule that supposedly worked for everyone.

The trio decided to not waste any time and they got down to business. First thing to do was warm-ups. This meant a hundred push-ups, something that should be easy for hot men.

Ike had no trouble finishing his push-ups since he was basically a walking pile of muscle. Roy finished soon after. Marth was the only one left. He never did push-ups, why would he need to do them? Couldn't he just look at Roy doing them instead?

Marth was about to rant but decided against it when he noticed he was being glared at. He did his best to do more push-ups and after complaining and suffering for what appeared to be an eternity, he had finished.

Marth collapsed and sighed in relief, he was finally done with the stupid push-ups. The next warm-up exercise was a hundred sit-ups. Marth had always found sit-ups to be pretty easy despite not having done any for over a year.

The prince learned the hard way that slacking off on sit-ups was a pretty bad idea. He had done about ten before realizing he was doing the exercise wrong and hurting his neck. Marth couldn’t remember how he was supposed to do sit-ups and he couldn’t look at what Roy and Ike were doing because they had already finished. Marth was left with no option but to continue the exercise even though he wasn’t even doing it correctly.

Luckily for Marth’s neck, his friends noticed he was doing the exercise wrong and showed him how to do it right. However, there a new problem arose: doing sit-ups quickly really hurts, like a lot. So after another eternity of pain, Marth collapsed.


 

After a morning filled with Marth suffering and his friends doing practically nothing, it was Ike’s favorite time of the day, lunchtime.

The cafeteria was pretty empty since some of the fighters had left for a quick vacation.

After getting their food, the trio sat at their unusually empty table. Ike devoured his meat without a care in the world. The only reason he didn’t have an ending with meat in Radiant Dawn was that a little angry mage called Soren existed.

“Marth, don’t you ever grow tired of eating salad every day?” Ike asked.

“Don’t you ever grow tired of eating meat every day? It’s not even that good for you.”

“Well, unless I won the genetic lottery, I’m proof that it’s better than salad.”

“I think we’re going to have to work on your diet,” Roy told Marth, “You barely eat anything, that’s not good for you. And whenever you eat, it’s something that’s mostly water with little to no nutritional value.”

“What are you talking about!?” Marth snapped, “And why are you acting like you're my mother?”

“Mother? If anything, being the mom friend is your job!”

“What!? I thought you didn’t do Martha jokes.”

“Marth, you’re at your absolute worst right now. You used to be a complete hot badass back in Melee. You were funny, cute, smart, hot… Now you’re all insane and girly. You act like a total bitch half the time!”

“Speaking of Melee, you’re making me miss your cute old-self. He actually liked me and let me do whatever I want.”

“You’re assuming I don’t like you anymore! If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t spend my time helping you.”

“Well, how do I know that Link didn’t just set you up so that he could blackmail me?”

Ike quietly took his food and walked towards Kirby’s table. He had no interest in having his meal ruined by Marth and Roy’s obligatory daily married couple bickering. Honestly, Ike thought that those two should just fuck to get rid of their sexual tensions. It was a win-win situation, Marth and Roy would get to be together like they always wanted to and the rest wouldn't have to deal with their bickering anymore.

Ike ate with Kirby and the two happily ignored the smell of smoke as they ate their food. The mercenary noticed he didn’t have any sauce left and got up ready to get more. He didn’t get far because the cafeteria was on fire. Ike went back to the table, sat down feeling grumpy and waited for somebody to come and save him.

‘Kirby must be so lucky having sane friends,’ Ike thought as he looked at the pink puff.

‘I wish I had cool insane gay friends,’ Kirby thought as he stared at the fire with fascination.

It took thirty minutes for somebody to come and save them because Crazy Hand had turned off all the fire alarms because he was tired of hearing the ringing sound every day.


 

Kirby was taking a nap on Ike’s lap as the blue-haired teenager tried to sleep through a bunch of arguments. Seriously, why did he have to attend the hands’ meeting with his crazy totally not in love with each other friends? He wasn’t the one who set the cafeteria on fire. Sure, if he had never commented on Marth's eating habits, nothing would have happened. But it wasn't his fault the two always found a way to argue and set the room on fire.

“We’ve had enough of your petty arguments,” Master Hand groaned, “We’ve let them slide for way too long.”

“Actually, I find them to be pretty cute,” Crazy Hand admitted, “You don’t get many people who are completely unable to confess their feelings to each other and end up setting the room on fire instead.”

“Crazy! Don’t you know how much money we’ve lost because of their fights!? We won’t be able to afford reconstructions with over 70 fighters to take care of!”

“If we get them to fuck, I’m sure they’ll stop destroying the mansion.”

“What? That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. Got any better ones?”

“We can make a reality show to make more money! Or we could organize promotional mini-tournaments!”

“Good idea!” Master Hand paused to think for a moment, “Who should we choose for the tournaments?”

“Roy, I want you to participate in the tournaments.”

“Me?” the redhead gasped, “Why?”

“We need the mansion in good condition for the start of the official tournament.”

"So, why not send Marth instead? He's better than me. Or you can send both of us."

"Look, I know you want to spend time with your boyfriend, but you two need some time apart. You can facetime him while you're not fighting."

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Coulda fooled me."

"And me!" Crazy Hand added.


 

Roy and some other fighters ended up leaving for a week to compete in promotional tournaments. Roy being absent from the mansion meant that Marth didn’t have to train because Ike was not going through the horror that is training Marth by himself and to be honest he really didn’t care about Marth’s training. Link had offered to help, but everyone was sure he just wanted to blackmail Marth. Link never helped Marth out of the kindness of his heart unless it was something really really really serious.

The week at the mansion was really uneventful if you ignored Marth ranting to Link about missing Roy for at least an hour every day. It didn’t help that Kirby was in charge and all he cared about was getting food. He had even turned off the WiFi so that people wouldn’t get distracted. This meant that no one could watch the tournaments because the 3G and 4G were absolute shit in the area.


 

Marth was hanging out in the entrance hall with Link, Ike and Pit playing a boring game of UNO. He was about to win but a random gust of wind had blown his good cards away which got mixed up with Pit’s bad cards. They randomly chose cards and Pit ended up getting the best ones thus leading him to victory.

The Altean was pretty pissed off by his loss, he was about to storm out of the mansion but the door was slammed into him. He ended up falling on top of Link who had been planning on pushing Marth.

“We’re back!” Crazy Hand announced full of glee as all the other fighters made their way in.

“Hey, guys!” Roy greeted his friends on the floor, “What did I miss?”

“Me winning at UNO!” Pit cheered.

“Hearing Marth go on and on about how much he loves and misses you,” Link answered.

“So, how did the tournament go?” Marth asked, “We didn’t get to see it.”

“It went...” Roy started as he took out two objects from his suitcase, “Great!”

Marth stared at the two gold trophies with disbelief. They both had a red ribbon with “Winner” written on it. Marth had to be dreaming, there was no way Roy would win a tournament, let alone two. Roy, win and tournament did not belong in the same sentence.

“Are you done staring at your reflection?” Roy asked his crush.

“Yes...”

Marth rushed to the toilets and his friends just stared blankly into the space where Marth once stood.

“He’s so proud of you that he’s gone to cry in the bathroom,” Ike told Roy, “Maybe now that you’re showing him that you’re stronger, he’ll want to date you.”

“W-what!? He definitely doesn’t feel that way about me.”


 

It took all of Marth’s will for him to not punch the mirror. He was completely pissed off, he wanted to beat someone up to get rid of his anger. This was the last straw. Roy was tall, cool, smart, really hot… And now he was a great fighter. He was everything Marth used to be back in the Melee days.

This made Marth feel like he had been betrayed, he always thought he’d be the best fighter of the two, but Roy was catching up just like he always did. Marth would never admit it, but he was envious of the redhead, everything seemed to be going in his favor.

The prince wanted to cry in frustration. He stared at his face on the mirror and remembered what he used to look like when he was younger. Those were the good old days…

Marth could have stayed in the bathroom reminiscing about the past, but he couldn’t just sit around doing nothing. He might not be able to grow taller or get smarter, but he could still be a better fighter. It wasn’t as though Roy was a better fighter than him, they hadn’t fought for quite a while. But if Marth continued slacking off, there was no doubt that Roy would end up way better.

 

“And then my mom was all like “Eliwood! Don’t call our son Ike, let Mark na-”” Roy said before feeling someone pull his arm.

“We’re going to go do it,” Marth announced as he dragged the redhead behind him.

“Sorry, I’ll finish telling you guys the story later,” Roy apologized.

The two swordsmen left leaving their friends in an awkward silence.

“Please tell me they’re finally going to settle their sexual tensions and that it doesn’t mean training for them,” Ike wished only for Link to tell him that was definitely not the case.


 

Marth and Roy were standing in front of the training room trying to come up with an excuse for why they couldn’t train Lucina and Chrom. They knew the two were waiting inside for a training session that would never come. But if Master Hand heard about Marth and Roy skipping a training session, he’d be furious and he was already on to them. He’d probably assume they were dating and kick them out for choosing a date over their jobs.

Luckily, Ike happened to walk by. He wanted to prove Link wrong so he had gone to find evidence that Roy and Marth were definitely getting it on. In hindsight, it turned out to be a horrible idea.

The two shorter swordsmen had somehow convinced him into helping them train Chrom and Lucina. When they all entered the training room, Marth announced that Chrom and Lucina would be fighting against him and Roy in a few days and to make the training match more challenging, Chrom and Lucina would be training with Ike. Now Ike was stuck training Chrom and Lucina for the rest of the day. He really needed to get better friends to fight for.

Somehow, the excuse worked so well that when Master Hand heard about it, he thought it was a great idea and decided that Ike would train Chrom and Lucina for a week. This meant that Marth had one week to get back into shape and reclaim his position as the best swordsman in Smash Bros (which would now be even easier because Cloud nerfs happened).


 

Marth and Roy found an old empty training room and decided to fuck train there. They spent their whole time practicing, working out and making sure to play FEH every thirty minutes. They trained so much that they accidentally skipped lunch (not that was abnormal for Marth).

By the end of the day, the two swordsmen were exhausted and lying on the floor taking a rest. They were both looking at each other unaware that they were thinking the exact thing. Damn, he’s hot when he’s covered in sweat... they both thought.

“You think we’ll be able to beat them next week?” Roy asked Marth in attempt to avoid all dirty thoughts involving Marth.

“Of course, we don’t want to look like complete pussies in front of everyone.”

“I guess, there’s no way we’ll lose with someone as great as you on the team.”

“Hey, did we eat lunch?”

“Shit, we skipped it! What time is it?”

“N-nine pm… The cafeteria closes in half an hour.”

“If we save our showers for after dinner, we’ll be able to get something to eat.”


 

The two definitely not in love with each other friends rushed to the cafeteria where they saw Ike eating a huge bowl full of meat. He seemed pretty pissed off so Marth and Roy decided to avoid him. They went to get their food but Marth argued with Mario because he didn’t get the exact same meal as Roy. Roy decided to sit with Ike because he didn’t want to deal with Marth’s shit when he was hungry.

It didn’t take long for Mario to get rid of Marth. All he had to do was ask the prince if he was in love with Roy. Marth got so embarrassed that he just took his plate and left.

After dinner, the surprisingly not married nor a couple argued for an hour over who got to take a shower first. Ike would have told them to fuck in the shower but he wanted to take his shower first, so he did. Since he was not going to deal with his roommates’ stupid arguing, he decided to stuff his ears with toilet paper. If there was one thing Ike loved almost as much as Soren, it was sleeping. Maybe he should tell Lucina and Chrom that napping was an effective way to train? They believed him when he said that if they ate his vegetables and gave him their meat, they’d get stronger.

 

The week continued that way. Marth and Roy would train the whole day, accidentally skipping lunch, while Ike contemplated his sanity and his roommates' relationship the whole time. Master Hand was extremely satisfied with how things were going. It was the most peaceful week there had been in ages. Last time it was this peaceful was when he forced everyone to take vacations back in the first tournament. He was also sure he'd win his bet with Crazy Hand. He had bet 1000$ that Marth and Roy didn't have a thing for each other.


 

Right before the epic fight, Marth and Roy were preparing their battle plan which consisted of tricking Chrom into running into a fully charged flare blade. That trick always worked on newcomers and people who didn’t know Roy. But Chrom knew Roy since the redhead had trained him. However, Chrom wasn’t known for his brains, so there was a pretty big chance he’d fall for that trick. Lucina had already fallen for it once, but she didn’t inherit her mom’s brain, so yeah. The plan was foolproof.

“You know, there’s only one thing that could make this battle even cooler,” Marth told his crush.

Roy wasn’t sure what Marth was talking about. How could there be anything cooler than a one-hit KO within the first few seconds of the match?

Last Surprise from Persona 5 playing once Chrom gets knocked out!”

“But would we even be allowed to play Persona 5 music?”

“If the knockout happens, I’ll gladly play it,” a familiar voice said from behind.

“I-it’s the announcer!” Marth gasped as he turned around to see the announcer, “What are you doing here? I thought you never showed yourself. And… Why are you hiding behind a cloak that conveniently makes your face pitch black?”

“I guess I can tell you since my true identity will soon be known to all.”

The announcer took off the cloak and revealed his true form. He was a hot teenager with black hair and gray eyes that turned red for epic moments.

“You’re Joker from Persona 5!” Marth yelled, “That’s so cool!”

“N-no way!” Roy stuttered, “Joker has been the announcer all this time!”

“I’m also you in Japanese.”

“No, I’m you in Japanese.”

“Wow, that’s pretty hot,” Marth admitted.


 

Marth and Roy headed to stage. Since they wanted an epic and fair battle against Chrom and Lucina, they had chosen to fight on final destination with no items (sadly no Fox, so they went with one stock only). Chrom and Lucina were really excited for their battle against their trainers who they didn’t know were excited to beat the shit out of them.

When the match started, Roy immediately started charging the Binding Blade while Marth kept Lucina away. Chrom was going to attack Roy but then he saw Lucina being attacked by Marth and his dad instincts popped out.

Chrom tried attacking Marth, but Marth was two steps ahead and managed to dodge every attack. Marth knew it wouldn’t be long until Roy had finished charging his attack. So, he grabbed Lucina and threw her in Roy’s direction making sure that she went right above him.

Chrom’s dad instincts meant he had to make sure Lucina didn’t hurt herself, so he ran in Roy’s direction. He was so focused on his daughter that he didn’t notice that he was running straight into a trap.

By the time Chrom had noticed the trap, he was already flying through the air with lots of burns while Last Surprise played in the background. Now that he thought about it, the music really fit the situation. Not bad, he thought.

Lucina wasn’t having nice thoughts though. She hadn’t noticed it before, but Ike had been sitting holding a large panel with Link and Pit that said: “Roy x Marth should win”. She didn’t know whether to think Ike was a dick or whether to think he was a nice guy for supporting his friends. But none of that matter, she was completely screwed.

The last thing she remembered from the match was seeing sadistic smiles on her two opponents. Sometimes, people just want to say fuck the power of love for being so OP in fiction.


 

“We won!” Marth smiled, “We didn’t even get any damage! That means we still look smoking hot!”

“Dude, we always look smoking hot.”

“Yeah! But… I want to tell you something...”

All right, this was it. Marth had to say the most embarrassing thing he could say. Even if Roy rejected him, he couldn’t go on like this any longer.

“R-Roy, I-I l-lo-”

“Guys, you were awesome!” Link screamed ruining the moments.

“Thanks, bro!” Roy smiled.

“Yeah, thanks a lot, Link!” Marth yelled back sarcastically.

“You’re welcome, princess!” the blond smirked before leaving.

“I hate him sometimes.”

“You hate everyone sometimes,” Roy told the prince.

“T-That’s no true! I don’t hate you! Like at all. I-”

“Sure, there are no moments you hate me.”

“Shut up!”

“Marth, why’s your face red?”

“My face is not red!”

“It is!”

“Is not!”

The duo ended up arguing for an hour like always. If you asked Crazy Hand, he’d tell you that they should just settle their differences by finally getting it on. Either way, Master Hand owed him money.


 

Marth, Roy and their whole group of friends decided to have dinner at the best restaurant in town which had been recommended by Kirby. Everyone was chatting, having fun and enjoying the delicious food. The food was so good it made Pit cry.

“You know, I think I learned something today,” Marth told Roy, “Me being jealous of you was pretty stupid.”

“You, being jealous of me?” Roy smiled as he tried hiding his laughter, “I can see why it was stupid. I’m pretty shit.”

“What!? That’s not true! Why would I be jealous of shit? Anyways, I’ve thought about it. You’re hotter now and I guess that won’t be changing.”

“You were upset because you thought I was hotter than you?”

“Shut up! Now, where was I… Right! I have no reason being upset at you for being hotter, because in the end, we’ll be together and it won’t matter who’s hotter when you're fu- Roy? Roy! Are you listening?”

“Sorry, did you say something, Marth?”

Link couldn't help but facepalm because of the stupidity of the two FE lords he called his friends.


 

Everyone walked home. Some were in a rush to get back home, weirdly Marth wasn’t among them for once. He was enjoying a walk with his four closest friends despite the cold temperature outside.

“Do you guys think we’ll always be best friends?” the blue-haired prince asked.

“Seeing as how we argue over everything, do the stupidest shit together and are all still friends, I think the answer is yes,” Link answered before whispering to Marth, “If you’re lucky, Roy won’t be your best friend.”

“Don’t say such things when he’s around, you idiot!”

“Yay!” Pit cheered, “Marth called Link an idiot!”

“To be honest, everyone here’s an idiot,” Ike admitted, “There’s nothing special about Marth calling Link an idiot anymore.”

“Ike’s right!” Roy agreed, “There’s only one way someone can be worse than an idiot. Is anyone here subscribed to T-Series?”

Complete silence.

“Good! We’re all nine-year-olds with bonus years, right?”

“Of course, we are!” Marth yelled, “We watch Pewdiepie every day and do our part by threatening to kill random strangers if they don’t subscribe to Pewdiepie!”

“I guess Ike was right. We’re all idiots and there’s nothing special about us.”

“Whatever,” the mercenary, “Let’s just go listen to Bitch Lasagna for an hour while eating dessert.”

 

In the end, the five friends ended up doing just as Ike said. Although, Crazy Hand did join the group for an hour before being kicked out when Marth noticed the hand had brought a lasagna with a yaoi picture on it.

Chapter Text

Link was feeling really down. He was just so sick of his relationship with Zelda. She was way too boring for him. Despite having the Triforce of Courage, he couldn’t bring himself to admit his true feelings to Zelda.

The short blond went to the living room where he’d often meet up with his friends in hopes of finding someone he could vent to. Luckily for him. Roy was looking just as depressed as him.

“Oh, hi, Link,” the depressed redhead greeted, “How’s life?”

“I can’t bring myself to break up with Zelda. Have you confessed to Marth?”

“No…”

The two depressed pieces of trash sat in silence filling the atmosphere with gloom. It was so depressing that it made a date with Zelda seem like the most fun thing in the world.

Suddenly, Link was struck by an amazing idea.

“Roy, you’re pretty good at ruining your relationship with Marth.”

“Yes, Link, thanks for reminding me why I’m still single.”

“Dude, you can help me break up with Zelda.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because I know how to get a girlfriend. I can totally get you and Marth together!”


 

Link was on a boring date with Zelda looking at his phone like always. Zelda didn’t know it but Roy had set up a shit ton of stuff to ruin the date.

Zelda wanted to see what her boyfriend was up to. Link was texting Roy which Zelda found cute. He really cared for his friends.

“Hey, Zelda? Have you ever seen a man so beautiful that you cried?”

“Of course, every time I’m with you I want to cry because I’m so happy to be with you.”

“I see what you mean. I feel that way every time I speak with Marth.”

“Don’t be modest, Link. You’re beautiful and you know it.”

“But Marth’s way prettier than anyone else I know. There’s a reason I always vote for him in every waifu con-.”

“Excuse me, Link,” Marth interrupted, “But what the fuck?”

Right on time! Link thought.

“Hey, Marth! You’re looking beautiful today!”

“W-what!?” the prince blushed.

“You look so cute when you blush,” Link smiled before whispering to his friend, “I’m trying to break up with Zelda and I’m getting you and Roy together.”

“Thanks?”

The exchange didn’t go unnoticed by Zelda. Zelda was a very wise young woman after all. She knew her boyfriend was acting strange and she had to confront him.

“Link-” she said before being cut off by a very pissed off redhead.

“What the fuck? You’re not supposed to be doing that!”

“Roy, I can explain!” Link informed his friend.

Link had no time to explain anything to anyone because Zelda had just had an epiphany.

“I see what you’re trying to do!” the princess smiled, “You’re such a good friend, Link!”

“What?”

“If you pretend to flirt with Marth, Roy will get jealous and finally confess to him,” the blonde whispered, “I can help you help them!”

“Eh, close enough and no thanks.”

“All right, let’s do this! Marth- Oh, he’s on his phone.”

Zelda was really disappointed, she really wanted to help. But when Marth was on his phone, it was near impossible to interrupt him unless you wanted to end up in Dr. Mario’s office. You had to be on his favorite contacts list which only included seven people if you wanted to survive without a scratch. Zelda wasn’t among them.

Link sighed in relief. Now he didn’t have to deal with Zelda possibly dying. It wasn’t as though he hated her, he just didn’t want to date her. He was fine being just friends, Zelda was a really nice person after all.

Link’s thoughts didn’t last because they were interrupted by his phone vibrating, someone was calling him. Link picked up his phone and answered.

“Hello, Marth,” he greeted, “I am standing right behind you.”

“Sorry, I meant to call Ike. Force of habit.”

Link hung up and couldn’t help but feel bad for Ike. Marth couldn’t rant to Link because he was right behind him and he was the main topic of the rant. So, now Ike was going to have to deal with Marth’s rant.


 

Link ditched Zelda by lying about needing to go to the toilet and went to speak with Roy.

“So, you guys didn’t break up in the end?”

“Nope, she’s even more in love than before. She said that I’m such a good friend and that all my friends must love me.”

“I thought she was supposed to really wise. She’s all talk like Palutena.”

“Tell me about it. I thought you were good at strategizing.”

“In war. I don’t know anything about romance.

“Except making everyone’s relationships “better” and hooking up the couple of the year. You’re hopeless when it comes to yourself.”

“Yeah, I know. So, are you still helping me?”

“Yep! I’ve even got a plan. You know since it’s very close to Christmas, I’ve been thinking about something.”

“I know what you’re going to say, it’s a shit plan that will probably go wrong and Marth and I will end up pissed off at each other. But let’s do it anyways!”


 

“And then Link was going on about how he’s going to help me get together with Roy, but his plans are always shit. Like, the only person who can plan shit is Roy, but he wouldn’t ask Link to flirt with me. He’s better than that. Well, that’s it, Ike. Have a nice day.”

“Um… I’m not Ike,” Pit informed Marth.

“Wait, but I made sure to call Ike.”

“Yeah, he was on the phone and then he shoved it in my hands and ran away saying something about having forgotten Ragnell in the living room.”

“But I’m in the living room right now and his sword isn’t here.”

“Oh, he probably went to get Christmas presents for everyone! Ike doesn’t lie for selfish reasons.”

“That makes sense, see you later, Pit.”

“Bye, Marth.”

Just as Pit hung up, Ike entered the room thanking the goddesses that he could finally get his phone back. He had managed to hear the last few lines of Pit and Marth’s conversation and was glad his friends were idiots.

Chapter Text

Marth was walking down the hallway strategically avoiding all the mistletoe. He was not sitting through one of Master Hand’s “don’t kick people because they end up beneath the mistletoe with you” lectures. It wasn’t his fault he always ended up with someone he didn’t want to kiss which was practically everyone.

Marth was halfway through the hallway and had successfully avoided all the mistletoe on the way. For some reason, there was way more mistletoe than usual. Someone was definitely trying to blackmail someone.

Marth saw Ike standing under mistletoe and he was staring at it intensely. Marth thought it would be funny to tell him that all the mistletoe was fake and that you couldn’t make mistletoe soup with it.

To reach Ike, Marth needed to avoid exactly 23 mistletoes. How did Marth know this? He was great at Math. Can’t spell Marth without Math after all.

Marth was almost there but someone bumped into him and he ended up falling.

“I’m sorry, Marth,” Cloud apologized as he helped Marth up, “I’ve been trying to avoid all mistletoe.”

“Same here, I was on my way to ruin Ike’s day. Wanna come with?”

“Sure, sounds fun. We just need to-”

“Hey, guys!” Ike yelled, “Could you pass me the mistletoe right above you?”

“God damn it!” the two shorter swordsmen cursed in unison.

There was mistletoe right above them and some of the stupid kids were watching with lots of interest. Neither Cloud nor Marth wanted to kiss each other, they had a day to ruin.

Suddenly, a pink and yellow blur appeared and started running in their direction, it was Peach. She ran straight towards them, jumped in the air and grabbed the mistletoe before landing, smirking and doing a thumbs-up.

Cloud and Marth smiled at her and also did a thumbs-up. Good thing Peach always looked after her friends. If you were enemies with Peach, you were pretty much screwed.

Peach quickly made her escape so that Ike wouldn’t catch up to her. Every year, Ike wanted to try mistletoe soup but everyone always took all the mistletoe. It was unfair, mistletoe only grew in December and always disappeared after Christmas. Ike was convinced that this would be the year he’d finally get to try mistletoe soup. Nothing was stopping him.

Ike chased Peach down a hallway while Cloud and Marth ran after him. The hallway had even more mistletoe than the first one. Ike could have just stopped chasing Peach and grab all the mistletoe, but he was Ike, he had people (mainly his boyfriend) do the thinking for him.

“Crap, there’s are exactly a hundred mistletoes per square meter,” Marth noticed as he ran down the hallway, “It’s going to be really hard to avoid them, we need to stay at least one meter apart.”

“I’m not going to ask how you figured that out so quickly,” Cloud told his friend before being hit with an epiphany, ‘Why don’t we just remove the mistletoe?”

“It’s too risky and it would take way too long. It would take us exactly sixty-nine hours to get rid of them.”

“We can just burn them all. I know Master Hand said we’re only allowed to use the powers and abilties he’s chosen, but if it’s just for a minute…”

“We’ll get in deep trouble if we use other powers! I already have to go to Master Hand’s office at least once a week.”

“But it’s our only chance unless you want to spend sixty-nine hours clearing the hallway. Plus, we can always bribe the hands afterwards.”

“I guess we’ve got no choice. Screw the rules.”

“We’ve got money.”

In just a second, half of the mistletoes were on fire. The fire was quickly spreading.

Peach immediately sped up at the sight of flames. Why did the mansion always have to be on fire?

Ike didn’t notice anything off despite the strong smell of smoke and melting plastic. That’s what having Roy as a roommate does to you.

In order to escape the flames, Peach entered the cafeteria and headed towards the exit to the terrasse. Ike continued following her still unaware that the whole ceiling was on fire.

His two friends were following him until they noticed something very alarming. So, alarming in fact, that they stopped everything they were doing and ran back towards the hallway.

“Jojo starts in five minutes!” Cloud informed Marth.

“Do you think Roy’s already in the living room?”

“Probably, I’ll send him a message just in case.”


 

Roy was sitting with Link on the sofa in the living room. He was extremely bored. He thought Link’s plan would be weirder but Link had actually come up with a good plan for once.

The redhead was browsing the PewdiepieSubmissions subreddit when he got a text from Cloud.

“They’re on their way!”

“Finally, we can put my plan into action!” Link cheered, “Make sure to be exactly where you need to be when you need to be. They should be arriving in one minute.”


 

One minute later.

“We’re finally here!” Cloud smiled in relief as he rushed into the living room.

“Wait for me!”

Marth wasn’t as fast as Cloud so he had fallen behind by a bit which was normal since Cloud was the fastest swordsman in Smash Bros when it came to running. Then again, Cloud didn’t actually do running. He floated or some kind of bullshit, so technically Roy and Chrom were the fastest swordsmen when it came to running.

The prince stopped in front of the door frame to catch his breath, keeping up with Cloud was fucking hard. He liked Cloud but he was never running with him again. His legs hurt and he could barely stand.

“Here, I brought you some water,” Roy smiled as he gave Marth a bottle of water.

“Thanks, Roy,” Marth smiled back.

Luckily for Marth, his face was red because of exhaustion, so Roy couldn’t tell he was blushing. Then again, Roy’s pretty oblivious so he wouldn’t have actually noticed anything in the first place.

The two swordsmen just smiled and stared at each other for about thirty seconds before Link interrupted everything.

“Hey, if you guys haven’t noticed yet, there’s mistletoe above you. You know what you have to do, right?”

“W-what!?” Marth gasped in shock as his face became redder than Roy’s hair, “Did you set this up?”

“No, I would never do that. If it were me, I would have covered everything in mistletoe.”

Marth really didn’t care to be honest. Now, he had an excuse to kiss Roy even though it was a pretty lame one. Maybe now they could finally be together.

Marth stood on his tiptoes and leaned towards Roy. The redhead gently held the shorter man’s face and leaned in for a kiss. But before the kiss could take place, Roy froze.

“R-Roy?”

“I-I… I should probably tell you something first. A few days ago, Toon Link told me who you liked after hearing one of your rants.”

“Y-you know who I like?”

“Yeah… I should have told you earlier.”

“N-no… It’s okay… I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time. It just never went right. So… Uh, what do you think?”

“Marth, we’ve been friends since Melee, but I think there’s so much more to us. I’d love to be your-”

“Ahhh!!!!” Peach screamed as she stormed into the living room.

“-friend.”

“My best friend?” Marth frowned in disappointment, “But we’re already best friends.”

“I didn’t say best friend… Look, Marth, what I’m trying to tell you is that I’m in love with-”

“Yes!” Ike squealed, “Fucking finally!”

“Ike?”

“Y-you love Ike, huh?” the prince said as he faked a smile in an attempt to not break down crying in front of his crush, “I guess I should have expected this…”

“W-wait, I’m not in love with Ike!”

“Y-you don’t have to lie to make me feel better. Let’s just watch Jojo.”

Everyone stayed in the living room and watch Jojo in complete silence. Cloud left to go get some snacks with Marth and Ike during the commercial break. Although if Ike had to describe the experience, it was more him picking all the snacks while Marth cried his eyes out in front of Cloud.

Meanwhile, Link and Roy watched over the living room in the most depressing atmosphere imaginable.

“I’m sorry for ruining your relationship with Marth,” Link apologized, “I never imagined it would turn out this way.”

“It’s not your fault,” Roy sighed, “I was the one who messed up. Also, sorry for making Zelda love you even more.”

“Not your fault, bro. Maybe we should try fixing our problems by ourselves instead of getting other people to do it for us.”

“You’re right…”

“But today’s not the day for that. I’m way too depressed right now.”

“I’ve been depressed since I was fifteen.”

“You’re still registered as being fifteen in the system. So, you technically haven’t been depressed for very long”

“Shut up.”


 

“Are you done crying?” Cloud asked his friend.

“Y-yeah, I feel better now,” Marth smiled, “Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder.”

“No, problem.”

“If it makes you feel better, I can ask Mario to make us all some mistletoe soup,” Ike suggested, “I’ve only got the one from the doorframe so it would be like eating everything you hate. So… You’re destroying what broke your heart?”

Marth and Cloud stared at Ike in silence before smirking to each other.

“You do know that all the mistletoe here is fake, right?” Cloud smirked.

“What!?” Ike shouted, “I’ve been collecting plastic all this time? I’ve wasted hours of my life for plastic?”

“Yes.”

“NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Chapter Text

Kirby really couldn’t stand his life anymore. Ever since he had been adopted by Palutena and Bayonetta, his life had become a living Hell. It was like he didn’t have any freedom anymore.

Every time he wanted to do something, his mothers would tell him to be careful or to not do it. It was like they didn’t understand that he wasn’t a fucking baby. He was Kirby, practically Jesus at this point, the only person in the world to be immune to Thanos and light beams.


 

Kirby was eating his lunch when his mothers came to ruin it. They apparently had gotten him a late Christmas present, but honestly, it was really just an early Three Wise Men present.

Kirby honestly couldn’t care less about their present for him. They gave him shit all the time and it was never something he liked. His last gift had been an invitation to their wedding. Who even gives their child an invitation to their own wedding?

The pink puff reluctantly followed his moms to the living room where there was a huge present next to the Christmas tree if you could even call that anymore. The tree had been set on fire at least ten times in the past week and was really just a burnt stick at this point.

“All right, open up!” Palutena said with excitement, “Bayo’s going to take a photo of you while you open your present.”

Kirby sighed in frustration as he saw Bayonetta take out a camera out of nowhere. Like really? Why the fuck did they need to take a photo of him opening a present? What is it with parents and taking photos of their kids? Do they really think their kids want to be in their stupid pictures?

Kirby approached the present with frustration. He was about to destroy the big box with his sword, but something stopped him. He swore he could hear someone calling for help and it was coming from the box.

“Mom, is there a person inside?”

“Oh, Kirby, you’re adorable,” Palutena smiled as she made a sign for Kirby to open the present.

Kirby carefully unwrapped the present revealing a box. As soon as Kirby was about to open the box, a bright flash blinded him for a second and he fell down.

“Mum, what the fuck?”

“Sorry, I left the flash on,” Bayonetta apologized as she turned the flash off.

Kirby was utterly pissed, but he had to focus. There was definitely a person inside the box. Why would his moms get him a person for Christmas anyway? What was he supposed to do with a person?

Kirby slowly opened the box not knowing what kind of person to expect. When he had finished opening the box, the box move and something came out causing Kirby to fall again.

“I’m free!” a voice sounding eerily familiar cheered.

“That voice...” Kirby muttered as he tried to recall where he had heard that voice before, “Announcer? No... Joker?”

“Well, technically, I’m both,” Joker clarified, “I’m also Roy in Japanese.”

“That's nice and all... But what the fuck is going on?”

“We got you a new baby brother!” Palutena explained, “We thought you were lonely...”

“So we adopted Joker.” Bayonetta continued for her wife, “Now you’ve got someone to bond with.”

“Why am I the baby brother?” Joker asked.

“Because-” Kirby shouted before being cut off.

“Because it’s way cuter that way!” the Godess grinned.

Kirby and Joker just looked at each other with “fuck my life” looks. The kind of looks only siblings understand.


 

The next morning, Kirby woke up to get his breakfast at the cafeteria where he was greeted by his two moms.

“Hi, moms,” the angry kirby pouted as he sat on his chair.

“Hi, moms,” a really annoyed Joker greeted as he took his seat next to Kirby.

“Aw, look at you two you’re just like true siblings!” Palutena giggled.

“Ugh!” Kirby and Joker groaned simultaneously as they slammed their heads onto the table in frustration.

Chapter Text

Luigi doesn’t have an easy life. From fighting monsters, dealing with weirdos, being there for Daisy and having to deal with his brother, Luigi doesn’t get to ever catch a breath.

But during all of his hardships, one person has been able to keep him going. That person is our lord and savior, Pewdiepie.

After a long hard day, Luigi always watches Pewdiepie. Nothing makes him happier than seeing original content made by everyone’s favorite Swede. He even made Bitch Lasagna his ringtone.

However, Pewdiepie is in danger as T-Series is about to pass him and Luigi can’t sit around doing nothing. He has to repay Pewdiepie for helping him through all the hard times in his life. He has to do his part.

Luigi knew exactly what he had to do to help his favorite Youtuber of all time. If he could get every fighter and their fans to subscribe to Pewdiepie and unsubscribe from T-Series, Pewds would gain many subscribers.

The Italian couldn’t work alone, he needed help filming and editing. Luckily, Daisy was willing to be the cameraman since she was a sweetheart.


 

Luigi started his mission by going to the cafeteria where Mario was preparing food. More specifically lasagna.

“Mario!” the taller Italian shouted, “Are you-a subscribed to-a Pewdiepie?”

It took Mario exactly 6.9 milliseconds to figure out what his brother was doing. He smirked and looked at his lasagna before talking to the camera.

“T-Series is a bitch-a lasagna! Subscribe to-a Pewdiepie!”

“Mario, don’t use such language!” Princess Peach scolded as she entered the cafeteria.

“Peach, you must-a understand. We can’t-a let-a T-Series beat-a Pewdiepie!”

“If that’s the case, I guess it’s alright. I should get the whole mushroom kingdom to subscribe.”

“Thank you, Peach!” Luigi smiled.


 

Luigi and Daisy headed to the garden afterwards where Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong were hanging out while they ate more bananas than they should.

“Guys, are you-a subscribed to-a Pewdiepie?”

“Of course, we are!” Diddy Kong smiled as he stuffed his mouth full of bananas, “Is this about T-Series?”

“Yes, we can’t-a let them beat-a Pewdiepie!”

“I know!” Donkey Kong gasped as he was struck by an amazing idea, “I’ll play Bitch Lasagana on my drums!”

Donkey Kong took out his drums and started playing while Diddy Kong danced to the beat. Had this been a video and not a fanfiction, we’d actually be able to enjoy this moment.


 

Luigi found Link and Zelda on a boring date in front of the frozen lake next to the mansion. Link seemed way to happy that the date had been interrupted while Zelda appeared quite irritated.

“Are you subscribe to-a-”

“Of course!” Link answered before Luigi could mention Pewdiepie, “I go out with the guys threatening to kill anyone subscribed to T-Series!”

“That’s what you do when we’re not on dates?” the Hylian princess asked as she made sure to not snap on camera, “You go out with your friends threatening people.”

“Zelda, that’s what any sane nine-year-old does.”

“Link, you’re 117 years old.”

“No, I’m 9 with 108 bonus years. Are you even subscribed to- Wait, do you even know Pewdiepie?”

The princess shook her head. Link was flabbergasted by his girlfriend’s lack of knowledge. He grabbed her phone went to Pewdiepie’s channel and subscribed with her account.

“Here, now you’ve done your part. We’re spending the rest of our date watching Pewdiepie.”


 

After having quietly sneaked away, Luigi and Daisy found Samus and her three fanboys walking in the nearby forest.

“Samus, are you subscribed to-a Pewdiepie?”

The blonde was unsure on how she should respond. If she told the truth, who knew how things would turn out. But if she lied, she’d feel like a villain.

Bitch lasagna, bitch lasagna. T-Series ain't nothing but a bitch lasagna.”

“Sorry, someone’s calling me,” the blonde bounty hunter apologized before returning to her usual irritated mood, “What is it, Dark?”

“Can I use your email to create an account to subscribe to Pewdiepie?” Dark Samus answered.

“No! I’m already subscribed to him. Fuck off. Make your own account.”

Samus hung up on her dark counterpart and sighed before realizing what she had just said. Everyone was staring at her and not in a good way.

“You’re subscribed to Pewdiepie?” Captain Falcon asked.

“Yeah, so what?” the pissed off blonde yelled.

“I’m also subscribed!”

“Me too!” Snake added, “I watch his videos every day.”

“Same here!” Little Mac cheered as he joined in the conversation, “I always listen to Bitch Lasagna while training.”


 

Yoshi was busy evading taxes when Luigi and Daisy ran up to him. He thought he had been caught but they just wanted to know if he watched Pewdiepie.

“Of course, I watch Pewdiepie,” the green yoshi smiled, “If I could, I’d give him all my money.”

“I’d do the same thing!” Pichu screamed as he ran towards the group, “I watch him all the time. If I knew how to count, I’d give him minus twenty-three yen!”

“Pichu, that is not how counting works,” Pikachu yelled as he chased Pichu, “If you do that, Pewds will lose money.”

“Oh, I guess I’ll just give him one trillion dollars in that case.”

“You don’t even have that amount of money!”


 

Luigi and Daisy wanted to take a break, so they went to the park where Kirby, his adopted brother Joker and their two moms, Bayonetta and Palutena were having a pick-nick despite there being lots of snow.

“S-sorry, to interrupt,” Luigi stuttered, “I just want to-a know if you’re-a subscribed to-a Pewdiepie.”

“No need to apologize,” Palutena reassured the plumber, “There’s nothing wrong with asking people if they’re subscribed to Pewdiepie.”

“This is a no-T-Series household,” Bayonetta clarified, “We’re all subscribed to Pewdiepie.”

“Wow, I didn’t know they could say reasonable things,” Joker whispered to Kirby.

“Yeah, I can’t believe I actually agree with them on something,” the pink puff muttered before turning to Luigi, “Are you subscribed to Pewdiepie?”

“Of course! I watch-a Pewdiepie every day!”


 

After their break, the couple ran into furries doing inappropriate things.

Not really. They just ran into Fox, Falco and Wolf who were having a snowball fight.

“Are you-a subscribed to-a Pewdiepie?”

“Don’t know about the others,” Fox said as he threw a snowball at Wolf, “But I’ve subscribed to him with at least twenty different accounts.”

“Only twenty?” Wolf mocked as he dodged the snowball directed at him, “I’ve subscribed to him with over a hundred accounts!”

“You two are pussies,” Falco smirked as he threw snowballs at his friends, “I’ve created over a thousand accounts just to subscribe to him! I’m even saving up five hundred extra ones for emergency uses.”


 

Luigi and Daisy barely made it out without getting hit by a single snowball. Sadly, they ended up caught in the middle of another snowball fight.

“Guys, can you please-a stop for a second?”

“Is something wrong, Luigi?” Ness asked.

“Yes, Pewdiepie’s in-a trouble.”

“Darn it, I need to learn to brainwash so that I can get everyone to subscribe to him.”

“Aaah!!!” Lucas shouted, “I need to do more! I need to do my part!”

“Let’s make Pewdiepie ice sculptures!” Popo told Nana.

“Yeah and we can make one that says T-Series is a bitch lasagna!”

“I’m so-a proud of you, kids,” Luigi teared up.


 

Jigglypuff had accidentally run into Luigi while she was playing Pokemon Go. She apologized and Luigi told her everything was fine. After all, he had seen that the pokemon she had just caught was called Pewds. It was a shame that Jigglypuff’s cover of Bitch Lasagna was still sitting at 0 views.


 

Luigi and Daisy had finally made it to the town square. Bowser was walking around with his kids and went to greet them. But there was no time for greetings. Luigi had a mission after all.

“Are you subscribed to-a Pewdiepie?”

“Of course, I am!” the koopa king snapped before looking at his children, “Are you subscribed to Pewdiepie?”

“Well, you said you’d disown us if we weren’t,” Bowser Jr. reminded his dad.

“I was subscribed before anyone else!” Roy smirked.

“So?” Larry giggled, “I made twenty accounts to subscribe to him.”

“I watch him for at least one hour per day!” Iggy laughed.

“I watch him until 2 AM!” Wendy chuckled.

“Child’s play,” Morton grunted, “I watch him until 5 AM.”

“Oh, please,” Ludwig snorted, “I make sure my computer’s always streaming his videos.”

“I used dad’s credit card to buy one million copies of Bitch Lasagna!” Lemmy cheered.


 

After hearing Bowser yell at Lemmy for wasting all of his money, Luigi and Daisy went to the convenience store where Sheik was buying snacks for Young Link and Toon Link.

Luigi didn’t even have to say anything because the two Links were already talking about Pewdiepie.

“I can’t believe he got onto trending!” Young Link smiled as he examined which milk carton looked the best.

“You say that all the time,” Toon Link snorted as he grabbed a packet of Swedish delicacies.

“Can you guys please talk about something besides Pewdiepie?” Sheik asked with a voice full of frustration.

“I bet you subscribed to T-Series.”

“I’d never do that. I just don’t want to be reminded of the possibility of him not being the most subscribed tomorrow!”


 

Sheik’s remarks made Luigi go to the pharmacy to get anti-depressants just in case. He found Piranha Plant and Dr. Mario purchasing an abnormal amount of medicine.

“What’s-a going on?”

“I’m preparing for an upcoming disaster,” the doctor explained as he took out his credit card and paid for the medicine.

“Dr. Mario said that people will get really depressed when T-Series passes Pewdiepie,” Piranha Plant giggled, “I don’t believe that will ever happen.”

“I’m being realistic, Piranha Plant. We can’t have all the fighters depressed. I hope T-Series doesn’t pass him. I might need to get a doctor for myself if that happens.”


 

Luigi and Daisy exited the shop. It was lunch time and they were feeling really hungry. They went to the Italian restaurant and found themselves sitting right next to Marth and Roy.

“Hey, are you two-a subscribed to-a Pewdiepie?”

“We threaten people who aren’t with death on a regular basis,” Roy smiled innocently, “It would be weird if we weren’t.”

“We’re gonna go buy billboards once we’re done here,” Marth added, “It won’t be as cool as what Mr. Beast did but hopefully it will help a bit.”

“You can come with us if you want to. Marth’s paying for everything for once in his life.”

“Wow, you two must-a be really motivated!”

“We sure are. I even got my parents to subscribe to Pewdiepie.”

“I’m-a helping-a Pewds in my own-a way, so I won’t-a be able to-a join you. Sorry, for-a interrupting your-a date.”

“W-what!?” the redhead blushed, “I’m not on a date with Marth.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you two were dating ever since you guys always argue like a married couple.”

“… Eh, whatever. Can’t blame you.”


 

On their way out, Luigi and Daisy saw Shulk and Lucina who were on an actual date.

“Sorry, to-a interrupt, but are you-a two subscribed to-a Pewdiepie?”

“Yes!” Lucina smiled, “Hero-King Marth introduced me to him. I don’t really get his videos but Hero-King Marth said that if I didn’t watch him, I would be responsible for the downfall of humanity. Did you know that Hero-King Marth’s going to buy every billboard in town.”

“Yeah, he-a told me about-a that. What about you Shulk?”

“I-I’m r-really f-feeling it!” the blond stuttered nervously.

“Shulk?”

“I’m sorry. I get really nervous on dates… If you really need to know, I’ve watched all of Pewdiepie’s videos. They’re the funniest videos I’ve ever seen.”


 

Before doing anything else, Luigi and Daisy went to the Apple store to visit Ganondorf and tell him to tell his clients to subscribe to Pewdiepie. All though, it turned out Ganondorf was already doing that.

After buying four chargers, Luigi and Daisy saw the pokemon trainers and all of the other pokemon in Smash playing Pokemon GO. Red’s charger was broken, so Luigi offered him one if he convinced everyone to subscribe to Pewdiepie.

Red accepted the offer and Pewdiepie gained new subscribers: Squirtle, Charizard and Ivysaur (Mewtwo, Lucario, Incineroar, Greninja and Leaf were already subscribed so they just created new accounts to subscribe again).


 

Luigi and Daisy took a short break next to the town square’s fountain. Chrom, Robin, Mr. Game & Watch, R.O.B. and its wife, Marth’s old iPhone, were nearby, so Luigi thought it would be a good idea to ask them if they were subscribed to Pewdiepie.

“Isn’t he that guy the Hero-King watches?” Chrom asked his wife.

“The Swedish one?”

“I thought he was Italian,” Mr. Game & Watch amitted.

“That’s Marzia.”

“Great, you-a know him!” Luigi smiled, “Would you two-a mind-a subscribing to-a him. It would-a mean a lot to-a many people.”

“We’re already subscribed,” R.O.B. informed him, “We’re giving fliers to everyone. It was my wife’s idea.”

“That’s-a great! Keep up the good-a work!”


 

Luigi and Daisy figured they’d be able to find more people at the market. Meta Knight, Dedede, Olimar and Alph were shopping for groceries and ran up to the couple once they saw them.

“We’re gonna make a lasagna tonight!” Dedede grinned, “Then we’re going to print a sign of T-Series and throw the lasagna on it.”

“You just spoiled it!” Meta Knight snapped, “They’re recording, now everyone knows our plan!”

“Is it live?” Alph asked, “If it is… Hi mom!”

“No, I’m-a sorry,” Luigi sighed, “We’re making a video to show that everyone here loves Pewdiepie.”

“I look forward to seeing the end result,” Olimar told Luigi.

“Thanks!”


 

Luigi was getting really tired. He wanted to go home and rest, but he needed to do this. This was about Pewdiepie after all. Which is why he was now threatening strangers with Ike and the Pits. He really wasn’t allowed to take a break.

“Subscribe to Pewdiepie!” Pit shouted.

“Or we’ll kill you!” Dark Pit threatened, scaring a bunch of little kids.

“I don’t-a think this is-a going that-a well.”

“It’s gone worse before,” Ike reassured the plumber before yelling at some random stranger, “I fight for Pewdiepie! Fight for him too or die!”

“I don’t-a think this-a plan is-a working out that-a well...”

“I can always call Soren so that he can come up with a good plan.”

“Oh, you don’t-a need to-a go through the trou- Are you even-a listening?”

“See you later, love,” Ike said as he hung up, “All right! We need to be in front of the big billboards at eight.”


 

Luigi now needed to wait until 8 pm. So, he and Daisy went to the playground where Wario was racing Sonic while Pac-Man filmed.

“What are you guys-a doing?”

“We’re raising money for charity by live streaming our race!” Sonic smirked as he ran up a slide, “We’ve already raised a hundred thousand bucks!”

“We’re gonna donate this to people without phones so that they can subscribe to Pewdiepie!” Wario chuckled as he rode his motorcycle up the slide.

“Guys, slow down!” Pac-Man begged, “I can’t keep up!”

“You’re too slow!” Sonic smirked as he knocked the camera out of Pac-Man’s hands and took a stupid selfie.

Selfies are stupid. But at least they’re not T-Series.


 

Villager and his fiance, the pink villager girl, were busy killing people who were subscribed to T-Series. Not that was actually much help because their accounts still existed and Pewds wouldn’t like it, but it’s the sentiment that counts.

They saw Luigi and Daisy with a camera and thought they were going to be interviewed. The couple was very excited because they were psychopathic morons and hadn’t noticed that they got caught killing.

“Our first interview as a couple!” the pink villager squealed with excitement, “I don’t know what to say!”

“Subscribe to Pewdiepie or die!” Villager cheered unaware that he had made Luigi and Daisy run away.

“Aw… They’re gone… We must have hallucinated...”

“Hallucinated together!”

“Let’s go kill some more!”


 

Luigi and Daisy ran for their lives. They needed to be around someone sane. Good thing Rosalina just happened to walk by with Mega Man and the Inklings.

“R-Rosalina,” Luigi panted, “Are you subscribe to-a Pewdiepie?”

“Yes, why?” the blonde asked her friend, “Is something wrong?”

“He’s in danger. Are Mega Man and the Inklings subscribed to Pewdiepie?”

“Yes!” all the Inklings cheered in unison.

“Who isn’t?” Mega Man smiled as he took out his phone to prove he was indeed part of the nine-year-old army.

“Thank-a goodness.”


 

After having run like crazy, Luigi and Daisy needed a break. Luckily, there was a supermarket nearby. Luigi was about to choose some pretty unhealthy snacks but he was saved by Wii Fit Trainer.

“Try these instead,” the trainer said as she handed Luigi some healthy fruit snacks, “They’ll give you the energy you need to defeat T-Series.”

“You’re also fighting against-a T-Series?”

“I’m not alone.”

“She’s got us with her!” Simon smiled as he made an epic entrance with his descendant by his side.

“Yeah!” Richter added, “We’ve been promoting Pewdiepie all day.”

“Woof!” the dog from Duck Hunt barked as he and his duck friend ran into the store with way too much Pewdiepie merch on them.

“Everyone is-a working so-a hard. I need to work even-a harder!”


 

Luigi and Daisy spent their time convincing all the Miis to subscribe to Pewdiepie before heading to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. It was really full but Ryu, Ken and Corrin had two empty seats at their table, so they let the couple join them.

“What have you two been up to all day?” Corrin asked.

“We’ve been-a filming a video to-a show that-a everyone loves-a Pewdiepie and hates-a T-Series.”

“Oh! I should get all my siblings to subscribe!”

“Ryu, we should get everyone from Street Fighter to subscribe!” Ken excitedly told Ryu.

“I’ve already done that,” the Japanese martial artist smiled, “We should try to convince people from Mortal Kombat.”

“Are you-a even allowed to-a do that?”

“Beats me?”


 

It was almost eight, so the couple headed towards the big billboards. They were really curious to see what Ike was planning.

When they got to the billboards, they saw Cloud and Isabelle staring intensely at the biggest billboard.

“Why are you two-a staring at that-a Apple ad?”

“We’re waiting for Marth and Roy’s Pewdiepie ad to appear,” Cloud answered without looking at Luigi, “We can’t miss it, no matter what.”

“We also heard Ike and the Pits were up to something,” Isabelle added while making sure not to move her eyes away from the billboard, “Do you know where they are?”

Luigi looked around and saw Ike eating with Soren and the Pits at the McDonalds. It looked like Ike still had ten burgers to eat.

“They-”

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Ridley announced cutting off Luigi, “The time you’ve all been waiting for!”

“We present to you one of humanity’s greatest creations!” King K. Rool smirked.

“Wait, I want to say that part!”

“No, I want to say it!”

“Subscribe to Pewdiepie!” Isabelle and Cloud yelled in unison as K. Rool and Ridley continued arguing.

The billboard was the most beautiful thing he had seen. What made everything even better was that Ike and his gang had started playing Bitch Lasagna with really loud speakers.

It was the best thing a nine-year-old could experience.


 

Luigi returned to the Smash Mansion feeling extremely satisfied. He and Daisy spent a lot of time editing and finally uploaded the video.

The following day, Luigi woke up really excited to see how well the video had done.

“T-taken down because of copy strikes?” the Italian stuttered as he held back his tears, “I-a worked so hard...”

“Don’t cry, Luigi,” his girlfriend told him as she attempted to comfort him, “Think about how much fun we had while we were recording the video.”

“B-but we didn’t-a manage to help-a Pewdiepie.”

“But we did get to spend a lot of time together. Even though I didn’t get a single line.”

“But now-a T-Series is-a going to beat-a him!”

“So? It’s not over till it’s over. And Pewds will still be the most subscribed individual. Plus, we’ll get to tell our children in the future how we fought against the evil T-Series.”

“Y-you’re-a right! Even if-a Pewdiepie loses, he’ll still-a be-a number one in our-a heart.”

The happy couple decided to spend the rest of their day hanging out together and being happy because they fucking earned it. They should be happy. They’re like one of the only healthy couples in the Smash Mansion. Please, world… Let them be happy.


 

What Luigi didn’t know was that the reason his video had gotten taken down was that Master Hand and Crazy Hand were salty that they didn’t get to be in the video.

Chapter Text

Ike was hugging his boyfriend very tight, a bit too tight even. How Soren could breathe was a mystery but he’s- *censored because spoilers* so he was fine.

“I-Ike, we’re in public,” Soren informed his boyfriend, “People will see us.”

“But I’m so proud of you,” Ike smiled as he squished his boyfriend even more, “You made it to the top 10 this year.”

“Ike, can I ask you a question?” Captain Falcon asked as he ruined the couple’s moment.

“Ugh, what?”

“Since you’re among the minority in a healthy relationship, could you help me write my fanfic-”

Before Captain Falcon could finish his question, Ike left with Soren leaving Captain Falcon alone to despair.


 

“I don’t get, why won’t anyone help me?” Captain Falcon complained to Mario who honestly couldn’t care less about the driver’s fanfic.

“Why do you even-a want to-a write a fanfic?”

“I’m going to write the most romantic for Samus. If I write something impressive, she might want to date me. She didn’t like my cakes, cookies, drawings, and presents, so maybe what she wants is a book!”

Mario was about to tell Captain Falcon that Samus just wasn’t interested in him and that he should stop chasing her, but he didn’t because he was in the exact same situation but with Peach.

What can I-a do to-a make him-a go away?

“You could ask-a the people who aren’t in-a relationships for some advice. I’m sure they will-a be more than-a happy to help!”

“You’re right!”

Captain Falcon rushed to go ask people for advice. Mario sighed and returned to fantasizing about Peach.


 

After having asked ten fighters for advice, Captain Falcon thought he had enough material to work with. He sat in front of his computer and started typing.

He was full of inspiration. All of his thoughts were being translated into words which were carefully typed on Notepad.

When he finished writing, Captain Falcon printed ten copies. He needed beta readers to find the mistakes that had slipped through and also to improve some of the shit he had written.


 

“I would like to thank you all for attending!” Captain Falcon told his beta readers, “Any questions?”

Pichu raised his hand-paw-whatever and asked why they had been called. Captain Falcon explained that they would be reading his fanfiction and the room was filled with silence.

“I can’t read,” Pit announced as he broke the silence.

“And I don’t have eyes!” Piranha Plant added.

Not knowing what else to do, R.O.B. started reading the story out loud for Pit and Piranha Plant. Pichu was in charge of checking grammar and read the fanfiction by itself.

Captain Falcon just stood and stared. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything. His mind was clouded by thoughts of how Samus would react to his story.

Ten minutes later, Pichu had finished “correcting” Captain Falcon’s mistakes. He didn’t really understand the last part of the story, but that didn’t matter. His job was to correct, not write the story.

Piranha Plant and Pit gave Captain Falcon some advice for the story.

R.O.B. didn’t comment.

Captain Falcon spent the rest of his afternoon perfecting his story. He made sure to include everything he had been told and decorated the paper he would print the story on with glitter and sparkles.


 

That evening, Captain Falcon found Samus eating dinner with Pikachu outside in the garden. He walked towards the two and shoved his story in Samus’ face.

“Samus, I have written a heartfelt story for you! Please accept it!”

Samus glanced at the paper and cringed. Pikachu couldn’t help but chuckle as he saw his friend’s reaction.

The blonde bounty hunter felt extremely annoyed. Ever since she had joined Smash, Captain Falcon had tried giving her stupid presents. She hadn’t liked a single one of them and this fanfiction was no exception. It was disgusting and cringe-worthy.

Samus didn’t even bother reading more than two sentences. She ripped the paper into shreds and left the garden.

Captain Falcon fell to his knees feeling completely defeated. Once again, his love had been rejected.

“What did you write?” Pikachu asked curious as to what could have disgusted his friend so much.

“A fanfiction about me and Samus,” the depressed driver sighed as he took out a paper, “I’ve got an extra copy. You can read it if you want.”

Pikachu smirked as he grabbed the paper, but his smirk quickly turned into an expression full of disgust.


 

DA SEXIEST CAPTAIN FALCON X SAMUS FANFICTION EVAR

 

I am captain falcon. There is 1 gurl I love. She’s more then a gurl, she’s wahmen. A preddy wahmen. She brave and strong like Lonk but unlike him, she ain’t short. She’s da hottest wahmen I know. Even da gurls want her because she’s like a sexy man. If I were to get kidnapped, I’d rather have her, a wahmen kinda like Lonk, save me instead of-a Mario.

I first met Samus when we joined Smash. We where the only 1s who understood each other. We immidiatly hit it of. At 1st, I only hanged out with her because she was hot and shorter than me. But than she grow up 2 be hotter und taller than me, it didn’t help that she has a fire sword.

As I made my epic return, I noticed she smol. It was my chance t2 confess to her that she was da wahmen I loved. I had asked Lonk for help 2 hook up with her. But it put me and Samus in a weird position. She had understood everything wrong and thot that I liked Aike. Unlike Roi, I actually knew I had 2 get shit done properly right away.

I asked her out on yoga date. It was a parfect idea. Samus would love working out because she strong with muscle. She got a 6 pak and hot abs despite being really short 4 guy. She can really pak punch all though she sucks at recovering.

After working out, us hungry. We went to da restauran and ordered da best food. We each got 20 kilos off bananas. Bananas are da best food in za warudo. They are yellow like Samus’ hair and they taste god like Samus wen kisses. They almost perfect as her. Almost.

We where waiting 4 desert and looking each other with dreamy Is. I was really into her big boobs, they were bigger then my head. But every part off Samus was nice. She could ponch me und I’d thank because she’s perfect.

However, I was in krisis. I didn’t know what to do. Could really do it be4 marriage? It was a sin 2 do it be4 marriage. Should I pray 2 God? If so, which God? People say Sakurai is God, others say Kirby is a God. Palutena’s also a goddess. If I was smart, I would spend moar time thinking ‘bout this. But Samus is moar important.

Soon, thots about Samus filled my mind. What would happen if she dated an other version of me? Would I be sad or happy 4 other me? Samus really was a lot like Lonk now that I thot about it.

Even so, Samus is more like my pretty princess I want 2 kidnap. So, I kidnapped her. Off course, I asked 4 her permission and she said “Yes, I would love it if you kidnapped me, my sexy Captain Falcon!” with her sexy voice. So, I took her 2 my room.

In my room, we sang together without falling asleep. It was a miracle that neither off us asleep. It meant we where ment to be! We where purfect 4 each other. We where like a pokeman and its trainer, except that we were equals and sexy together and neither off us was a pokeman.

Then we fucked very nicely. It was hot. Really hot. Super hot. Too hot to describe in words. So hot, that the only way to explain it would be to have me and Samus do it. And then we had 69 children.

 

The end! Please love me, Samus!

 

PS: Please subscribe to Pewdiepie.

Chapter Text

 

“I’m so glad you’re willing to babysit Roy for the day,” Bowser smiled, “No one wanted to babysit all the koopalings at once so I had to separate them all. It was so hard to find people who weren’t doing anything for Valentines Day. All though I’m surprised you and-“

 

“We’re not dating,” Roy said interrupting Bowser’s monologue, “When will you be back to pick him up?”

 

“At around ten pm.”

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Roy was sitting at his desk staring at the small koopa who was playing on his Switch. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with him. Did he just have to let the kid do whatever he wanted while making sure he didn’t get in trouble? According to google, yes.

 

In the split second that Roy had used to check the definition of babysitting on his phone, Roy Koopa had already started getting into trouble.

 

The young mad lad had decided that Ike’s bed was now his since Ike was nowhere to be seen. To make that clear to everyone, he scribbled his name on the bed sheet.

 

Next step of his plan to get into trouble was waking up Marth. 

 

Marth was still asleep having his beauty sleep and any one who tried waking up was sure to be met with an unpleasant death. At least that’s what Marth liked to claim. The worst that usually happened was a kick to the face. Although rumor has it he once kicked Link in the nuts. But it’s just a rumor. 

 

The young koopaling approached the sleeping prince. He was about to jump on the sleeping beauty when he heard some mumbling coming from his mouth.

 

“Don’t do it, Roy...”

 

The koopaling was silent for a second before turning around to face the other Roy.

 

“She’s good,” the koopa admitted, “She saw it coming in her sleep. But will she see this coming?”

 

The koopa started tickling Marth which in hindsight turned out to be a pretty bad idea because his head was now stuck to the wall and being pulled out by the same person who got him there.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Roy had just spent ten minutes of his life not paying any attention to older Roy’s lecture about waking up Marth. Who cared about that? He wanted breakfast.

 

The koopaling forced Roy and Marth to take him out to breakfast in the town square because he didn’t want to be a loser like the other koopalings and eat at the cafeteria. He purposely chose the restaurant with the most expensive buffet for the sole reason of pissing his caretakers off. Not that it really worked since they were both rich.

 

Little Roy was busy getting his food while his caretakers looked after the table. Marth and Roy were speaking about random topics before Roy chose to address the elephant in the room.

 

“Are you actually going to eat anything?”

 

“Have you ever seen me eat breakfast?,” Marth replied, “You can have my food.”

 

“But Marth, skipping breakfast every day isn’t healthy! Just because you eat the same food as me for lunch and dinner doesn’t mean you’ll be healthy.”

 

“Well, I’m doing fine! I might as well return to eating salad every day.”

 

The two bickered like a married couple until koopa Roy decided to bring them both some food to shut them up. He thought they were supposed to be babysitting him, not the other way round. Adults really were idiots.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

The rest of the morning was spent playing at the park. Roy Koopa insisted that Marth and Roy go with him down the slide. The two argued that there wasn’t enough space but did that matter to Roy? Of course not.

 

The slide ride took ten minutes because they kept getting stuck. Not to mention that they were in an awkward position the whole way down. Roy mentally noted that he should go to the water park next time he wanted to go down a slide with two grown adults.

 

“Maybe we should play something that won’t get us stared at,” Roy told little Roy, “I don’t want to spend half of our time apologizing to angry parents.”

 

“Why don’t we play house? I’m the boss, you’re the dad and Marth’s the mom.”

 

“Why am I the mom?” Marth complained, not that anyone cared.

 

“Because Roy’s the dad and since you’re his girlfriend, you need to be the mom.”

 

“I’m not a girl!”

 

“I’m the boss and I always get what I want! So, you’re the mom and that’s final.”

 

There was a moment of silence as the koopaling finished his sentence and everyone stared at him. This moment of silence was filled with contemplation about what Marth had just told him.

 

“You’re not a girl?”

 

“No, I’m not,” Marth glared. 

 

“But Roy’s still your boyfriend, right?”

 

“No, we’re... we’re just friends.”

 

“But you still like him, right?”

 

Marth blushed at Roy’s response. He didn’t like the smirk on the koopa’s face. It screamed trouble and he knew the little shit was planning something. He didn’t know what but he knew it wasn’t anything good.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Roy Koopa spent the whole way back talking to random strangers and telling them that Marth loved Roy. It didn’t go quite as expected because they all thought he was speaking in third-person like some weeb-ass anime character. Disgusting. He wasn’t a weeb, he was a scary koopa.

 

The koopa was pretty pissed off about his failed plan and he needed an ice cream despite it being February.

 

After getting his ice cream, he sat on a tree to eat it. The tree allowed him to get a nice view of the park and to spy on his caretakers. But there was one problem, he couldn’t get down. So he did what all kids do when they have a problem, they go on their phones and ignore it.

 

“Are you coming down soon?” big Roy yelled.

 

“No, I’m on my phone,” little Roy shouted back, “I’m taking pretty pictures.”

 

“Marth, he’s stuck. You should go get him since you’re an expert at climbing trees.”

 

“But my clothes will get dirty!” Marth argued only for Roy to throw some dirt on him, “I hate you sometimes.”

 

“Love you too.”

 

Marth climbed the tree and reached Roy in about five seconds. He grabbed the koopaling and was about to start going down when the branch he and Roy were on broke.

 

Luckily for both of them, redhead Roy caught them both. The scene gave him and Marth major flashbacks as they stared at each other’s eyes. The only major difference was the presence of a koopaling between them stopping them from making out on the spot.

 

“Guys, can you two stop mentally making out?” the koopaling complained, “I wanna go home!”

 

“Sorry, did you say something?” Roy apologized as he stopped mentally making out with Marth.

 

“You should listen when another Roy talks to you!”

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Once the trio was back at the Smash Mansion, they decided to watch a movie. Roy Koopa had to make the popcorn since neither Marth more Roy knew how microwaves worked. What was the point of babysitters if they couldn’t even do something as simple as making popcorn? Roy Koopa didn’t know the answer to that question.

 

Since the living room was occupied, the trio set up Roy’s bed to watch the movie because Marth refused to get his bed dirty and Ike’s bed was in a pretty bad condition.

 

The movie they had chosen to watch was pretty boring. It was some boring love story that was obviously better than Twilight but still sucked balls.

 

Half way though the movie, Marth had fallen asleep so Roy got up to get him a blanket to keep him warm. 

 

While waiting for Roy to come back, Roy Koopa took out his phone. He had originally intended on looking at some memes but he was struck with a genius idea. 

 

As older Roy returned and covered Marth with a blanket, younger Roy made sure to record every single moment. He could have sworn that the redhead whispered “I love you” to the sleeping prince before giving him a kiss on the forehead.

 

Little Roy found the pair cute. Not that he’d tell them. Although, the more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea of having parents like them. Sure they were idiots who couldn’t even do basic things right, but they were nice to him and each other. Unlike a certain someone who can’t stop lying about his love life.

 

It didn’t take long for big Roy to fall asleep. Little Roy decided to cover big Roy with Marth’s blanket and take a picture of the two sleeping swordsmen.

 

Since there was still some space, the koopaling slipped between his two caretakers. It felt like he had a real loving family even though he knew it was only for the day. It was nice being the only child for once.

 

The koopa shrugged off the cheesy thoughts after a while to focus on the movie. He really needed to stop thinking about embarrassing things. However, the boringness of the movie quickly got to him and he too joined the realm of the sleeping.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Koopa Roy was waiting for his food impatiently. If his dad were here, he would have had all the cooks and waiters fired for being so slow. But alas, Roy wasn’t a king and didn’t have that kind of authority. 

 

He was forced to wait in boredom while his two caretakers made him feel like a third-wheel. Luckily, boredom leads to creativity, so Roy came up with an idea to entertain himself.

 

He claimed he had to go the toilet and on his way, he made sure to make all the waiters trip. In about a minute, the whole restaurant was covered in food. He was sure his caretakers would be furious. 

 

But they weren’t. They hadn’t even noticed all the chaos going on. Jesus Christ, humans were idiots.

 

Roy was extremely irritated by his caretaker’s apathy to his shit. A waiter took notice of the koopaling’s bad mood and asked him what was wrong. This got him kicked in the nuts.

 

The waiter threw all the food he was carrying to run to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. The food flew through the air with grace and elegance before falling on the floor and creating a huge splash.

 

Some of the food splashed onto Marth’s boots which caused the prince to freak out and run to the toilet at a much faster speed than the poor waiter who had only just gotten out of the restaurant.

 

To make matters even worse, the food on the floor was supposed to be Roy’s meal. Now the koopa had to wait even longer to eat.

 

While waiting for the food and Marth’s return. Little Roy struck a conversation with big Roy.

 

“Have you ever considered kidnapping Marth and getting him to marry you?”

 

“W-what?” redhead Roy stuttered in shock at the koopaling’s question, “Who would ever want to marry their kidnapper?”

 

“I guess that explains why dad is still single. How are you going to get with Marth?”

 

“I don’t know... I kinda messed things up and can’t bring myself to tell him anything since I’ll just end up hurting him again.”

 

“So, you’re just gonna give up? My dad never gives up even though he’s kinda wasting his time.”

 

“No, I... I guess I’m trying to find a better way to tell him that I love him. There has to be a way I can tell him without being interrupted or him misunderstanding me. I should probably stop going to Link for advice if I want that to happen. But he’s kinda the only person I’ve got.”

 

“Wow, you’re actually trying to do something different to succeed even if you’re kinda dependent on Link unlike dad who does the same thing over and over again. Bro, you should take a chance. Kiss him or something, you just need to do it while he’s awake.”

 

“You’ve got some pretty good advice, kid.”

 

“I’m just telling you to do the opposite of what dad does. It should work since you’re not in an unrequited love situation.”

 

“Yeah, you’re right! I might not be hopeless after all!”

 

“You’re like way cooler than dad. There’s no way my advice won’t work for you.”

 

“If it works, I’ll adopt you.”

 

“Thanks, I hope you do because it will work! Marth’s head-over-heels in love with you.”

 

Marth, being an expert at arriving at the worst possible moment, only heard the last part of the koopaling’s sentence. His face was redder than his crush’s hair and he sat far away from him out of embarrassment. Roy tried speaking to him but the prince would hide his face which was getting redder by the minute and ignore him.

 

Koopa Roy eventually had enough and forced them to talk by starting a debate on which couple would have the craziest wedding. They all reached the conclusion that the serial killer villagers would have a red wedding.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Roy felt as though he had been the one doing the babysitting. Bowser would be so proud of him, if he still considered him his dad.

 

When Bowser came to pick him up, things took a turn for the bizarre.

 

“Dad, I want Roy to adopt me,” the pink koopa revealed, “I also like Marth as my mom way more than Peach. Peach is kind of a thot.”

 

“W-what!?”

 

“Plus Marth and Roy really love each other. I need two parents who are actually in love so that I can have good mental health.”

 

“Um... Did something happen?”

 

Marth and Roy stared at each other not knowing what to say. After a minute of silence, Roy spoke up.

 

“After you left, your son was on his Switch. Then I looked for the definition of-“

 

“Roy, we don’t need to tell him every single detail!” Marth told his friend, “If you were in his place, I’m sure you-“

 

“I got it, Marth. I guess I can cut right to the chase. After going to the park, Roy climbed up a tree but he was way too scared to get off. So Marth went to get him but then he fell off because he’s kinda clumsy and I caught him and mentally made out with-“

 

“Roy, I didn’t fall off! The branch broke!”

 

“You fell off, Marth. Anyway, after that fiasco and a boring movie. We went out for dinner and I bought him a lot of food. Then he told me some weird things while Marth was in the toilet. That kinda made my whole inferiority complex resurface but then Roy was like “wow, you’re kinda like my dad but you actually try to look for an answer even though you fail every time because you ask Link for advice”. So, we had a long chat but had to stop when Marth came back and he got all embarrassed.”

 

“Ooh, what were you guys talking about?” Bowser asked genuinely intrigued by the topic of the two Roys’ conversation, “Was it about Marth?”

 

“Yeah, it was about him being in lo-“

 

“You don’t need to tell him any-“ Marth scolded before being stopped by a pair of lips pressed on top of his own for a few seconds.

 

“Please be quiet for a second, Marth,” Roy ordered as he looked down at the shorter swordsman he had just kissed before facing Bowser and carrying on his long explanation.

 

The blue-haired prince felt his face becoming redder by the second as his brain fully grasped the situation he was in. Part of him was in disbelief from what just happened. Another part was dying of joy. Although, his heart regretted that Roy only kissed him to shut him up so that he could continue rambling to Bowser.

 

It was still better than nothing to Marth. Roy had acted like the whole Christmas fiasco had never happened and never talked about their relationship with the exception of denying any romantic relationship between the two. He wasn’t sure what Roy thought about him.

 

The redhead still spent most of his time with him and didn’t act any different, so Marth assumed that Roy liked him as a friend despite knowing the blue-haired prince was in love with him.

 

Boy, was he wrong.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Roy Koopa couldn’t help but smirk as he finished editing his montage of photos. He’d become famous thanks to his photos which were sources of fantasies to some and blackmail to others. He’d be known as the one who finally got Marth and Roy together and he’d get to be an only child without stupid siblings.

 

He pressed the upload button and happily waited for the feedback. The first few comments were comments reminding him to subscribe to Pewdiepie but he was already subscribed to him with at least a thousand accounts, so he ignored them.

 

After a while, he finally got some actual comments to read. Weirdly enough, all from other smashers. He only got six comments, it seemed he had posted at the wrong time of the night.

 

DONNYDONNEL: U faked it all. Bet U paid for someone to draw that!

BESTGIRLWENDY: Dad told me they aren’t actually dating. You’re dumb!

WILDHERO: As if Roy would kiss Marth and just pretend it didn’t happen! I’ve yet to receive a rant from Marth.

MEATLOVER: I wish they were actually dating. Don’t get my hopes up, bro.

GODDESSOFLIGHT: Can you print them in HD for me?

NOIWILLNOTDATEYOUBOWSER: That’s cute and all, but did you hear about Piranha Plant and Ivysaur getting together?

 

“Gosh darn it! How am I supposed to top that?” the pink koopa cried out accidentally waking up his siblings, “No wonder I’m not getting any feedback!”

 

“Go to sleep, Roy!” the other koopalings shouted.

Chapter Text

Valentine’s day meant Ganondorf had a lot of work to do. Valentine’s day was always a busy day for him. People kept coming to him for advice and buying iPhones to thank him. The best part was that the manager was raising his pay because of all the costumers the Apple store would get on Valentine’s day.

The Gerudo king couldn’t wait to receive his paycheck and waste it all on something. He still didn’t know what to waste it on. But he knew he was going to waste it on something.

Ganondorf sat behind his desk and a big smirk made its way onto his face as his favorite sentence that wasn’t about destroying the world came out of his mouth.

“Hello, customer service here. How may I help you?”

“I need help confessing my love to someone,” Ivysaur muttered as he took a seat in front of Ganondorf.

“Oh, great… Another one.”


 

Ever since Ivysaur had joined Smash, he had always felt a bit lonely as the only plant. But when Piranha Plant entered Smash, everything changed.

The two plants had quickly become good friends and would spend a lot of time together. Their favorite thing to do together was photosynthesizing. No one understood their love for photosynthesis but that didn’t matter to them.

As they grew closer, Ivysaur noticed his time with the plant was making him feel feelings he’d never felt before. When they talked, he’d have butterflies in his stomach, his heart would skip a beat and his face would heat up. He had never felt happier in his life. He was in love.

He wanted to confess so badly, but something held him back. He didn’t know how to confess to Piranha Plant. He knew nothing about confessions.

How was he supposed to confess? He couldn’t write a letter or a poem because Piranha Plant didn’t have eyes. He couldn’t do a dance. He couldn’t bake cookies. His mind was blank.


 

“Here’s the plan,” Ganondorf smirked, “You invite Piranha Plant to the fountain to do photosynthesis, then you give… Is Piranha Plant a girl or boy?”

“Um, I’m not sure. Most plants tend to be hermaphrodites.”

“I knew letting in plants was a bad idea.”

“What?”

“Nothing. You give Piranha Plant some flowers that smell nice and then you confess by singing a parody of an Ariana Grande song.”

Ivysaur wasn’t known for his intelligence, he usually got Red or Leaf to do decisions for him, but he needed to do something on his own for once. If he couldn’t even decide something on his own, how would he be worthy of Piranha Plant’s love?

Thus, Ivysaur got to work.


 

Ivysaur was waiting anxiously for Piranha Plant to arrive. He couldn’t let all of Ganondorf’s help go to waste. That would make him an asshole and Ivysaur was no asshole, he was a nice guy and a proud member of the plant gang.

Ivysaur spotted his crush and smiled. He ran up to Piranha Plant and did his best to not mess up.

“I brought you some flowers,” the ivysaur said as he gave his crush the flowers he had just bought, “I hope you enjoy the smell.”

“They smell great!”

“Now, I’ve got something I want you to listen to.”

“You do? I also have something I want you to listen to.”

“Yeah, I’ll go first if you don’t mind.”

Ganondorf pressed the power button on some speakers and threw a microphone to Ivysaur who caught it thanks to his vines. The pokemon gulped as he waited for the music to start.

 

Thought I'd end up in Elite Smash

But I was no match

Said some shit about Kirby

Now I listen and laugh

Even almost got parried

And for Leaf, I'm so thankful

Wish I could say, "Thank you" to the trainers

'Cause they are my angels”

 

Piranha Plant stood in silence unsure of what Ivysaur was doing. Why was he singing an Ariana Grande song with the wrong lyrics? Had copyright laws really gotten that bad?

 

One made me tough

One taught me patience

And one taught me pain

Now, I'm so amazing

I've fought and I've lost

But that's not what I see

So, look what I got

Look what they’ve taught me

And for that, I say”

 

As Ivysaur sang, a little group gathered around him. They started clapping along to the song which was a bit hard because of the structure, but Ivysaur noticed nothing. He was too into his song to be aware of anything.

 

Thank you, mains (mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

Thank you, mains

I'm so fuckin' grateful for my mains

Thank you, mains (mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

I'm so fuckin'”

 

Piranha Plant noticed that the song was actually kinda catchy and danced to the song even though the lyrics didn’t really make any sense.

 

Spend more time with my friends

I ain't worried 'bout nothin'

Plus, I met someone else

We havin' better smash battles

I know they say I’m dropped too fast

But this one gon' last

'Cause his name is Ivy

And I'm so good with that (so good with that)”

 

As the song continued, random people arrived with instruments and provided a backtrack to Ivysaur’s song. Piranha Plant couldn’t help but be impressed and wondered if Ivysaur had planned everything just for it.

 

He made me tough (tough)

He taught me patience (patience)

How he handles pain (pain)

That shit's amazing (yeah, he's amazing)

I've fought and I've lost (yeah, yeah)

But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)

'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)

Ain't no need for searching, and for that, I say”

 

More and more people kept gathering around. Some of them took out their phones to record everything. As the chorus came up, some random brats decided to sing along with Ivysaur.

 

Thank you, mains (mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

I'm so fuckin' grateful for my mains

Thank you, mains (mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

I'm so fuckin' grateful for my mains”

Thank you, mains

Thank you, mains

Thank you, mains

I’m so fucking”

 

Ivysaur mentally prepared himself for the most emotional part of the song. He had to keep his cool, he wanted Piranha Plant to think he was cool after all. He could not afford to make a fool of himself.

 

One day I'll walk make it to Elite

Holding hands with Piranha

I'll be thanking my lad

'Cause I grew from the drama

Only wanna do it once, real bad

Gon' make that shit last

God forbid something happens

Least we can always smash (can always smash)”

 

Piranha Plant wanted to sing along but it didn’t know the lyrics to Ivysaur’s version of Thank U, Next. It didn’t want to make a fool of itself, so it decided to leave the singing to the expert.

 

I've gotten so tough (tough)

Got so much patience (patience)

I've learned from the pain (pain)

I turned out amazing (turned out amazing)

I've fought and I've lost (yeah, yeah)

But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)

'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)

Ain't no need for searching

And for that, I'll say”

 

Ivysaur continued to sing with a heart full of passion. People in the crowd were crying because of it. Since he still had his eyes close, he didn’t notice the News broadcasting his song. He was being watched by everyone in town.

 

Thank you, mains (thank you, mains)

Thank you, mains (thank you, mains)

Thank you, mains

I'm so fuckin' grateful for my mains

Thank you, mains (thank you, mains)

Thank you, mains (said thank you, mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

I'm so fucking grateful for my mains

Thank you, mains (thank you, mains)

Thank you, mains (said thank you, mains)

Thank you, mains (mains)

I'm so fucking grateful for my mains”

 

Ivysaur was running out of breath. He wasn’t used to singing. He didn’t know it would be so tiring. He used to think that doing 90 percent of the work when he teamed up with Squirtle and Charizard was tiring, but boy was he wrong.

 

Thank you, mains

Thank you, mains

Thank you, mains

Yeah, yee

Thank you, mains

Thank you, mains

Thank you, mains

Yeah, yee”

 

As soon as Ivysaur opened his eyes, he saw Piranha Plant and a ginormous crowd cheering for him. Little kids were begging him for an autograph and everyone wanted a selfie with him. He felt overwhelmed, he had only wanted to make Piranha Plant happy.

“That was amazing!” Piranha Plant cheered, “I didn’t really get the lyrics but I still loved it.”

“Thanks,” Ivysaur smiled shyly, “I’m glad you liked it. I wrote it just for you.”

“Just for me?”

“Yes, just for you… I’ve got something really important to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“I… I love you, Piranha Plant!”

The crowd gasped as Ivysaur finished his extremely short confession. Piranha Plant was speechless, it couldn’t believe what it had heard.

“I-I...” the plant stuttered, “I love you too, Ivysaur!”

The crowd couldn’t help but cheer as the two plants kissed. Everyone was so happy for them.

Ganondorf was smirking in the middle of the crowd, once again he had finished his job successfully. He was definitely getting a raise next month. He fucking loved his job.

Chapter Text

 An alarm clock was ringing loudly until it was thrown against the wall.

“Shut up, I want to sleep!” Pit shouted at the broken clock pieces.

The angel tried going back to sleep but life just wasn’t working for him, the birds outside were being way too loud. They had no respect for tired people.

Pit sighed in defeat and decided to go on his phone. He had no idea what time it was because his reading skills sucked balls. Thus he had to ask Siri for the time.

“It’s seven o’ clock,” the monotone voice answered.

“Nooooo!!!” Pit screamed loud enough for his parents to tell him to shut up.

Full of sadness, the angel made his way to the dining room to eat breakfast.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

“What classes do you have today, Roy?” Eliwood asked his son as he ate breakfast.

“Dad, you ask me this every day!” Roy complained before taking his phone out, “I’m calling mom.”

The redhead dialed his mom’s number and waited for her to pick up.

“Hi, Roy,” his mom answered, “Aren’t you supposed to be having breakfast? Don’t you have school?”

“Yes, but-”

“Are you getting good grades? Do you have nice friends? Do you have a-”

Roy immediately hung up not wanting to be bombarded by questions. If his parents were going to ask him stuff every morning, they could at least change their questions for once. He feared he might end up hating them if they continued with their questions.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Unlike Roy, Ike was having a great breakfast. He was eating way more than what was normal for a human but his mom couldn’t say no to his requests for more pancakes.

By the time Mist had made it to the table, there were no pancakes left.

“Dad, Ike ate all the pancakes again!” the brown-haired girl cried.

“Mom and dad also had pancakes,” Ike smirked.

“That’s an unfair argument!”

“No, it’s not!”

Once again, he had managed to keep the pancakes out of Mist’s grasp.

Ike went back to his room to prepare his bag for school. But he noticed something was wrong. He had no idea what classes he had and even worse, he couldn’t remember if he had any homework or not.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Marth was staring at himself in the mirror thinking about how perfect he was. He picked up his brush and was about to brush his hair when he heard a knock on the bathroom door.

“Marth, I need to use the bathroom!” his sister pleaded, “It’s an emergency!”

Marth threw the brush on the floor in a fit of anger and exited the bathroom as his older sister quickly made her way in it.

‘Thank god, he’s an idiot,’ Elice thought as she closed the door.

The angry teenager returned to his room where he waited for his sister to finish using the bathroom. Why did his sister always have to visit during school weeks? Didn’t she have university to attend to?

None of it really mattered because it was getting late and Marth had to prepare everything for school.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

An alarm clock was ringing loudly until it was thrown against the wall.

Link returned to sleep because sleep was more important than school. He didn’t care if he was marked late or even absent because his health was way more important than stupid ass-school.

If his teachers wanted him in class, they should make classes start later. Link was not going to school at eight.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Pit walked to his locker where Ike and Roy were waiting for him. They were talking about an upcoming test, not that it mattered to Pit because his parents just bribed the teachers into letting him pass all of his classes.

“Hey, guys, where are Link and Marth?” Pit asked interrupting the conversation.

“I guess Link’s sleeping, lucky him…” Ike sighed before being alarmed by a dreadful aura full of anger, “Guys, whatever you do, don’t mention hair.”

“Hi, Marth!” Roy greeted, “How are-”

“You didn’t brush your hair!” Pit gasped completely ignoring Ike’s advice, “I didn’t know it was possible!”

“Great, it’s noticeable...” Marth glared, “Now I’m going to be the school’s laughing stock and I’m going to get bullied. I look completely ridiculous.”

“If it makes you feel better, messier hair suits you,” Roy smiled in an attempt to cheer his friend up, “Actually... You look pretty good. As long as you’ve got your tiara on, no one will notice or say anything.”

Roy’s cheer up attempt was a complete and utter failure. Oh, well… At least, he got away with implying that he thought Marth was good-looking.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

The first class of the day was Math. Math by itself is among the most useless subjects in the world and is only useful when used in another subject like IT or Physics.

Most of the students weren’t paying any attention because probabilities did more harm than good by confusing the fuck out of them. They were either on their phones, sleeping or doodling which was irritating the teacher.

“Never in my twenty years of teaching have I had such an unmotivated class!” the evil Math teacher frowned, “If you keep acting this way, I will give you all a surprise test.”

Now the teacher had the class’s attention. Although not really since most were only pretending to listen. The amount of students listening could be counted on one hand.

“Good, now who can answer the following-”

“I can’t believe my parents made me wake up!” Link shouted as he entered the classroom, “What a bunch of dicks!”

“I will not tolerate that kind of language from a student who’s late! Now go to the blackboard and do the exercise we’re doing.”

Link threw his bag on his table and went to the blackboard where he wrote things he didn’t understand.

“Wow, Link’s so smart!” Peach fangirled, “I’d never be able to understand any of this!”

“He’s just copying all of Marth’s answers,” Daisy told her best friend with a straight face, “That doesn’t make him smart. He has no idea what he’s doing, he just happens to be friends with a Math genius.”

“But he’s not getting caught!”

The evil Math teacher was disappointed that Link had gotten the exercise right. Her plan to embarrass him was completely ruined. She was going to have to post about her annoying students on her Instagram.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

The next period was the worst of the day, History, aka the most useless subject in the world. Even people who liked History agreed History class was the most pointless class and that it was boring as fuck.

The only student who was into the class was Zelda since she was a model student. She got good grades, always participated in class and was really popular among most of her peers since she’d always encourage them to do better. And she was Link’s girlfriend.

“Link, you can’t sleep in class!” Zelda told her half-asleep boyfriend, “You’re going to fail History if you do.”

“But even Marth sleeps during this class,” Link argued as he pointed to his sleeping friend, “He just takes Roy’s notes to study the day before the test. I do the same and I’ve been passing every test.”

“Barely! Won’t your parents be disappointed? You barely pass.”

“Zelda, nobody gives a shit about History. Even Marth’s parents don’t care and they’re strict. I’m going back to sleep.”

‘God, why the fuck are we still together? I really need to break up with her,’ Link thought as he returned to his sleeping position.

He didn’t get the chance to fall back asleep because the teacher was speaking so damn loud. He was going to sue the school for ear damage one day.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

It was now time for one of the only tolerable parts of school, recess. Well, in theory it was supposed to be tolerable. In practice, it wasn’t really the case. It was where most of the drama happened.

Today’s drama was a discussion on which starter pokemon was the best one.

Roy and Ike couldn’t reach an agreement on Charizard, the former thought Charizard was the worst starter and useless in its current state whereas the latter thought Charizard was cool and could still be usable. Pit thought Venusaur was pretty cool but no one cared about his opinion.

Meanwhile, Link and Marth were taking photos of Roy’s History notes. However their photo session was interrupted when the school villains approached them with big smirks on their faces. They were planning something big.

“Hey, losers,” Ganondorf smirked, “We’re having a party tonight at Bowser’s place. Anyone who doesn’t come will be a huge loser for the rest of their life.”

“Yeah!” Ridley cheered, “You’ll have to sit with the Miis at lunch for the rest of your life!”

“And you’ll be publicly humiliated!” Bowser laughed, “While we’re getting it on with the hottest girls in school.”

“And we’ll take all of your food!” Dedede burst out in laughter.

“That last one will be quite a problem,” Link whispered to Marth, “Ike and Pit might die if that happens. Heck, I might die.”

“Eh, I don’t really mind that last one,” Marth replied, “But I don’t want to get anywhere close to the Miis. That’s even worse than not brushing my hair. We should probably go to the party. It’s not like we have any tests coming up.”

 

Well, that was eventful…

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Today was a special day for those smart people who had chosen to specialize in Physics and Chemistry. It was the day all of them had been waiting for since the start of the year.

“Now all of you must be very careful,” the teacher told the students, “You don’t want to set the room on fire.”

Captain Falcon immediately raised his hand to ask the teacher a very important question.

“But what if we want to set the room on fire?”

“Don’t blame me when you get expelled from school and have your future ruined as no place wants to hire you knowing you’re a safety hazard.”

The entire class was silent and immediately started reading all the safety instructions to keep their future and the classroom intact.

Ike decided to leave all the safety shit to Roy and started reading the experiment’s instructions. He wasn’t really sure what any of it meant since Roy was always the one to figure that out since he was kind of a nerd. All he got was that there would be an explosion in the end and that was the only thing that mattered.

“If I understood this correctly,” Ike said as he looked over the instructions once again, “We just need to throw in the things on the list into these other things in the list.”

“Yeah, but we need to make sure we get the biggest explosion possible.”

“You’re right, this experiment is the only reason I chose to attend this class. I am making a big explosion and I don’t care what the teacher thinks.”

“Wait, you don’t actually like this class?”

“I like it more than Math and Biology if it makes you feel better. You’re the only person in our friend group to like more than one of the classes we attend in this school. I really don’t get how your brain works, you’ve got the most counter-intuitive ways of thinking.”

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Meanwhile, in Advanced Math, Pit was struggling to copy what Marth had written since he couldn’t read any of it. It wasn’t that Marth’s writing was bad, Pit was just a terrible reader. He had never been good at it, he’d always mix up all the letters and numbers.

“Marth, what did you write here?” Pit asked his blue-haired friend.

“Ugh, can’t you figure it out for yourself for once?”

“But Marth, you always help me out. Friends help out each other.”

“You never help me with anything.”

“Stop talking and go back to work!” the evil Math teacher yelled.

“Don’t just interrupt a conversation like that, it’s rude. Jeez, don’t you know anything about respect?”

“Miss Lowell, I am your teacher and you will not talk to me like that.”

“I’m a boy! What are you? Retarded?”

By this point, the evil Math teacher was struggling to hold in her fury. She needed to humiliate Marth, so she forced him to do the hardest exercise in the Math textbook in front of everything. It wasn’t a very good plan since Marth finished it correctly within two minutes.

The teacher didn’t know why she still worked, she fucking hated all of her students. They were all a bunch of dicks. But they did give her things to rant about on Instagram. So the teacher creepily laughed in her corner as her students stared in confusion.

“You were right, Marth,” Pit whispered to Marth, “She is retarded.”

“That’s it!” the teacher snapped, “You two head to the principal’s office!”

“Yay! We get to miss class!”

“AAAAHHHH!!!!”

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

While that shit was happening, Peach was daydreaming instead of paying attention to Biology class. She couldn’t stop think about how perfect Link was. He had beautiful perfect blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, his smile was perfect and he had a good body. His only negative aspect was that he was so short, but the rest made up for it. That and the fact that he had a girlfriend and that said girlfriend was one of Peach’s good friends.

Peach couldn’t help but sigh as she stared at the man of her dreams sitting in front of her. She was sure he was thinking about his girlfriend who was sitting right next to him. Peach wished he liked her instead, she was tired of getting hit on by weirdos and Italians.

Meanwhile, Zelda was sure her boyfriend was thinking about other girls. She knew her boyfriend always went on about “bros before hoes” but she couldn’t stop her suspicions from getting the best of her. He was definitely saying that as an excuse, she knew there were hotter girls than her at school and there was no way her boyfriend didn’t find them hotter than her.

‘I should have chosen Chemistry,’ Link thought, ‘I bet Ike and Roy are having so much fun right now with their explosions. I thought this class would be easy but it’s so boring… Kinda like Zelda… I really need to get my life together.’

Luckily, the class was saved by the fire alarm.

All the students ran out of the building in the most chaotic fashion imaginable. It was so chaotic you’d think some evil entity was invading.

Once out of the school, Link quickly found his friends. Apparently, Pichu had used the wrong materials in Chemistry class and started a fire.

The fire wasn’t that big and didn’t make it past the lab but it had still managed to cancel the current classes thus giving the students a longer lunch break.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Villager couldn’t make up his mind. He needed the perfect substance for the killing spree he was planning after the party.

“No, no, no!” the boy shook his head in disapproval, “I need something stronger.”

“You’re going to have to give me a higher price in that case,” Yoshi replied as he put away the substance that he had shown Villager.

“How much do you need for your strongest drug?”

“Enough to evade law enforcement. They’re already suspicious of me.”

As the duo discussed a deal, a group of five students walked past them while staring. Yoshi immediately changed the subject of their conversation to one about not evading taxes.

“Was Yoshi doing what I think he was doing?” Pit asked his friends who were all smarter than him.

“I think he was evading his taxes,” Roy answered, “I think he’s gonna get Villager to kill anyone who’s suspicious of him.”

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Sadly, after lunch, classes had to resume. The good news was that there was only P.E. this afternoon. P.E. was a pretty relaxing class since no one really took it that seriously.

“We’re playing dodge ball today,” the teacher announced, “The teams are as following, blue shirts, white shirts, dark shirts and other shirts.”

Everyone joined their respective team but there were too many people in the blue team, so the teacher forced Roy and Link to join the other shirts much to their dismay. The problem wasn’t that they didn’t get to be with Marth and Ike, it was that the other shirts were now the most overpowered team.

Since the gym hall was huge, two games could happen at the same time. The first sets were blue team vs team other shirts and white team vs dark team. The latter was a very tight game, but the first one was a one-sided massacre.

“Wow, we’re actually pretty good at dodge ball,” Roy smiled as he threw the ball he had just caught.

“Yeah, we could make a living off of this!” Link smiled back as he dodged the ball that had been thrown back.

Meanwhile, there were only three people left on the blue team, including Marth. That didn’t last very long since Roy managed to hit Marth in the face with a ball.

“Sorry, Marth,” the redhead apologized, “I hope you’re not hurt! If it makes you better, I’ll buy you ice cream after school.”

Marth angrily went to the bench where the rest of his team was sitting and sat next to Ike aka the guy he rants to when Link is not available.

“Stupid Roy...” the salty short blue-haired teen started, “It’s like he’s always ruining my life. I used to make fun of him in middle school for being shorter, uglier and dumber than me and for being an annoying brat with only two friends. Then he goes to study abroad leaving me depressed for a year and a half. And when he comes back, he’s taller, smarter and hotter than me. And now everyone likes him and thinks he’s really cool because he’s good at every class.”

“Is there more?” Ike asked only to regret it immediately.

“Yes, he’s also good at sports and all the teachers like him. And he always pays attention in class. Oh, and all the girls always stare at him, heck, even some guys stare at him.”

“Well, you can’t really blame them. Puberty really hit him like a truck.”

“Stupid Roy and his stupid smile and his stupid good looks and his stupid perfect body and his stupid red hair and his stupid beautiful eyes...”

“Aren’t you overreacting? He just accidentally hit you in the face with a ball. I don’t think it’s really worth such a long rant.”

“He could have ruined my face forever! And then he offered me ice cream, it’s like he wants me to get fat! He never offers food to anyone else but me. He even had the audacity to tell me I look good with messy hair. He’s so stupid and I can’t stop thinking about it. He’s such an asshole that he even invades my dreams!”

“Marth...”

“Yes, Ike?”

“Can you be honest for once. Are you in love with Roy?”

“W-what!?” Marth blushed, “W-we’re just best friends. It’s not like he likes me, anyway...”

“So, you’re in love with him.”

“Marth’s in love with Roy?” Pit innocently asked as he just happened to walk by.

“Say anything to him and you’re dead meat,” the blue-haired prince glared.

“Y-yes, sir!”

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Since the rest of the afternoon was off, the guys decided to go to the library to work on school stuff. It wasn’t very fun since Marth and Link were both missing. Marth was working on a Japanese project with Cloud and Link had a student council meeting. 

Roy was supposed to be working on a Japanese project with Ren but he didn’t care anymore. He was just going to do it last minute. He hated the Japanese teacher too much to care despite being fluent in Japanese. He only chose Japanese to get easy good grades.

But man was that teacher a piece of shit. The teacher could never tell them apart. He claimed that they both sounded the same when they talked Japanese and that their voices reminded him of Jun Fukuyama. What a weeb that teacher was.

The remaining trio decided to study for an upcoming physics test since they didn’t have anything else to do.

“How do you calculate an energy using mass and the speed of light?” Roy asked.

“You use a calculator!” Pit answered accidentally making his friends facepalm.

“Ike?”

“Um... E equals mc... circle?”

“Ike, you’re in physics with me. How can you not know? Think of the rap battle between Einstein and Stephen Hawking!”

“E equals mc square?”

“Thank you!”

While his two friends continued studying, Pit was doing some thinking which was rare for him. He couldn’t help but be bothered by something.

“Why is Roy nicer with you than with Marth?” the angel asked Ike.

“Roy’s nice with Marth in a weird way. Although, he has been avoiding him a bit lately.”

“I’m not avoiding him!” the redhead argued, “We’re just not glued to each other like last year.”

“Well, you haven’t had your daily argument yet.”

“Emphasis on the yet.”

“But from what Link’s told me, you used to be super clingy in middle school,” Pit giggled, “You wanted to hang out with Marth all the time. You wanted to be his BFF and he kept pushing you away not wanting to be close to you.”

“Didn’t you study abroad for some time?” Ike asked Roy, “I remember you not being here during my first year. Marth was like the most depressed person I knew. He went on and on about missing you.”

“And remember when Roy arrived and Marth was acting like his biggest fanboy? He totally cried when he heard Roy was returning.”

“Didn’t he go all tsundere when he hugged Roy? He was like “It’s not like I missed you or anything, idiot. I’m just hugging you because it’s polite” and then he noticed Roy being taller than him and got all embarrassed.”

“His face was red like Roy’s hair! It was so funny! Marth was being so clingy back then. They were like inse-insebara-inseparable!”

“Practically married!”

“Aw, I wish I had a BFF like that.”

“Pit, what the actual fuck?”

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Somehow, Cloud and Marth had managed to find themselves in dresses. They didn’t even know how it happened. They were working on their Japanese project when Piranha Plant and Ivysaur came out of nowhere and begged them for help in their play.

Since they were practically done with their project, they decided to help the plant couple. They only had to fill in for some missing students who were busy in the student council meeting. They happened to be girls and to make the other actors comfortable, Marth and Cloud were forced to cross-dress.

“Is cross-dressing all I’m known for?”

Cloud said in a depressed tone, “I feel like most people here only care about me because I can pass as a pretty girl.”

“It’s okay, Cloud,” Marth reassured him, “It’s better than being known as the guy that looks like a lady.”

“Ugh, I can’t concentrate,” one of the actors groaned, “These girls are way too cute!”

“I know!” an actress squealed, “I want to know their secrets!”

“Can I have their number?” some random guy asked.

“Please go on a date with me tonight!”

a person begged.

Marth and Cloud really wanted to kill themselves. But they still had crap to live for. At least no one recognized them. Oops, spoke to soon.

“Hey, Marth, Cloud!” Link yelled, “Can I take a photo for the yearbook?”

“No, fuck you, Link!” Cloud yelled back.

“Fuck you, both!” a third voice yelled.

Everyone in the room turned around to see a pissed off Kirby.

“You lied about going to the toilet! You skipped my meeting about the party food to see your friends cross-dress! If you don’t bring good food, I’m getting my dad to kick you out of this school. This goes for everyone here!”

Way to ruin the mood, Kirbs.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

Link gathered his friends and forced them to go to the grocery store with him. There he devised a plan to get the best food possible. He and Ike would look for the meat, Marth and Roy would get dessert and Pit would get the drinks.

 

“Ike, look at that sale!” Link squealed as he saw the meat on sale, “We’ll be able to buy so much meat.”

“This is gonna be awesome. Let’s put it all in the cart.”

“Hey, Ike... I know this might sound silly but... Would you mind racing down the isle with me? Like in the cart.”

“That sounds fun. Let’s do it. We’ve already got our food, we might as well have fun.”

 

Meanwhile, Roy and Marth were looking at the desserts. It wasn’t very fun because Marth kept complaining about the products being too fat with too many calories.

Shopping with Marth was one of the worst things to do. Roy was only able to handle it because he loved Marth too much. Pit and Ike still had PTSD from the last time they went shopping with the prince.

“This place sucks!” Marth whined, “There’s nothing good and the screaming children in the background are so annoying!”

“I’m sure we’ll find something you like. We can just get some Swiss chocolate. It’s simple but I know you love it.”

“But it will make me fat.”

“You don’t have to eat that much if you don’t want to and eating it once won’t make you fat. Although, even though you’ve got a great body, you could use a bit more weight. I’ve met children who are heavier than- Marth, watch out!”

Before Marth even had time to react, he found himself squished between a wall and Roy as he heard some cheers of joy belonging to two of his childish friends slowly fade away. His face was heating up as he noticed how close Roy was to him. Roy was pinning him down against the wall and their faces were centimeters apart. If Marth were to stand on his tiptoes, his lips would touch Roy’s.

But he couldn’t bring himself to move. He was practically defenseless any time Roy would get this close to him. All he could do was stare at Roy’s blue eyes as his blush became redder and his heartbeat sped up. His embarrassment was making him uncomfortable and he felt like his legs were going to give up. But as he felt a hand place itself on his cheek and saw a smile directed at him, he relaxed.

Marth smiled back at Roy and the two looked at each other before closing their eyes and leaning towards each other. Their lips were millimeters apart before disaster struck.

Roy pulled away, turned around and kicked the cart heading towards him and Marth at full speed. Link and Ike found themselves on the floor, uninjured, but they were more worried about the meat and were unaware about how they had ruined their friends’ moment. Then again, they might have saved them since a supermarket is a really weird place for a first kiss.

 

While all this was going on, Pit was lost in the drinks section.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

The five friends finally made their way to the party. They had somehow gotten Peach to let them in her limo. It was a pretty cool experience for everyone except Marth. Marth thought Peach’s limo was too small.

 

Once the six friends had arrived, they showed the food to Kirby for his approval. Luckily for all of them, Kirby had approved.

 

Not knowing what to do. They all decided to play truth or dare. There was no way it could get out of hand after all.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

“Pit, truth or dare?” Link asked with a smirk on his face.

“Dare! Oh, wait. You’re not going to dare me to kiss you. Half the people here have been dared to kiss you!”

“No, don’t worry. I’m feeling nice tonight. You can kiss Zelda.”

“What!?” Zelda yelled in disapproval, “Link, I’m your girlfriend. You can’t just dare him to kiss me!”

“But half the people in this room have already kissed me, it’s only fair that the other half kiss you.”

“You don’t have to dare him to kiss any of us! Dare him to kiss Ike or someone else if you want to see him kiss somebody so badly.”

“But I want to see him kiss you.”

“Link, why?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Ganondorf interrupted this stopping the argument, “Link’s a cuck?”

“No, he just wants to break up-“ Pit explained before having his mouth covered by Ike’s hand.

“We just dared him to do this last time we played truth or dare,” Ike laughed nervously.

 

The game continued for a while before it was Mewtwo’s turn to choose a victim. Mewtwo was the absolute best at truth or dare. When he wanted to know something, he got to know it. When he wanted something to happen, it happened. You couldn’t beat him at truth or dare. Unless you managed to somehow bullshit your way to victory.

“Roy, truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Roy answered not wanting to get any weird dares.

“Who do you have a crush on?”

Roy felt his face heat up and everyone staring at him. Truth or dare was even worse than the supermarket to confess your love, so Roy thought he could be smart.

“Actually, I meant dare,” the redhead laughed nervously.

“Answer the question.”

Roy wasn’t laughing anymore. He was completely screwed but there was some hope. Since he loved setting stuff on fire to relieve his stress, he always carried a lighter with him for the sole purpose of setting shit on fire.

He switched the lighter on and threw it while hoping it would set something small on fire.

“Marth.”

“W-wait, y-you like me?” the blue-haired prince stuttered in shock.

“Your bag is on fire,” the redhead said with a straight face.

“What!?”

Marth immediately got up to check on his bag. It turned out it really was on fire so he assumed Roy didn’t actually have a crush on him and was just informing him about his bag being in fire.

When he made it back, the game had already moved on and Mewtwo seemed satisfied. He’d have to ask Link for Roy’s answer.

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

As the night progressed, people were getting drunker. Link and his four friends couldn’t stand it anymore and decided to leave. 

They walked to Roy’s house since he lived the closest. It was pretty late, so they all fell asleep once they had finished getting out all the sleeping bags they could find. 

 

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆

 

The next morning, everyone was woken up by Eliwood who was on the phone with his wife.

“Roy hasn’t brought his friends over for ages. Let me introduce them to you!”

“Dad, get out!”

“The blond one is Lonk. He’s still single.”

“Dad!”

“The angel is Pit. I heard he’s a great reader.”

“Dad...”

“The one with the headband is his best friend, Ikea.”

“Dad.”

“The one with the tiara is his girlfriend, Martha. She’s a princess.”

“Dad, stop it!”

Roy’s friends could help but laugh at Roy’s despair. The redhead was finally starting the “I hate my parents” phase.

Chapter Text

Isabelle believed she lived a relatively simple and ordinary life (ignoring everything having to do with villagers). She worked hard and diligently, she was the best secretary anyone could ask for. No job was too hard for her. It was for that reason that Villager had hired her as his wedding planner.

Isabelle sighed as she looked at the plans she had to scrap because the stupid mayor couldn’t make up his mind about anything. One day, he wanted a red wedding, the next one, he wanted a normal one. At some point, he had asked her to hire strippers that she had to fire because they refused to be killed for the wedding ceremony.

Isabelle couldn’t deal with any more stress. She was barely getting any practice because of her job. She wouldn’t be able to beat anyone in tournament if things continued this way.


 

Isabelle needed a coffee to be able to continue her day without breaking down.

When she arrived at the coffee shop, she saw Cloud looking even more depressed than usual and that guy was like the most depressed person in Smash.

“Cloud, what’s wrong?”

The edgy blond didn’t reply. He only showed his friend his phone and the dog gasped in horror. The poor guy was going through a hard time along with over 94 million nine-year-olds.

“That’s terrible!” she screamed, “It makes all my stress seem meaningless!”

“You’re stressed out about something?”

“I have to plan a wedding for Villager and he won’t stop being so indecisive! I can’t deal with anything else anymore!”

Isabelle spent an hour venting to Cloud who never got an opportunity to speak. The blond would never tell her upfront but he thought her rants were even worse to deal with than Marth’s. The prince at least made jokes throughout his rants, Isabelle’s rants were serious. No jokes, just depressing. They made you feel bad for her and would make even the manliest of men want to break down in tears and hug her.

“I feel much less anxious now, thanks for listening to me,” Isabelle smiled to her crying friend.

“My heart can’t take this anymore,” the blond swordsman sobbed, “Your life is way too stressful. It makes me so sad.”

“You don’t have to worry, Cloud. Nothing can stress me out anymore.”

Isabelle was drinking her coffee as she was approached by two of her fellow canines.

“Isabelle, could we please talk?” the dog from Duck Hunt asked before being pushed out of the way by Wolf.

“Look, I’m going to make this simple for you,” Wolf smirked as he looked at the confused yellow dog, “You’ve got two choices, yes or yes.”

“Um, I’m more into Candy Pop, but I guess Yes or Yes is also a nice song,” Isabelle answered unaware of what was about to happen, “What do you two want to talk about?”

“It’s something-”

“Something really important and we want you to please answer honestly!” the dog from Duck Hunt yelled.

“Okay,” Isabelle replied as she sipped her coffee.

“Will you go out with me?” the dog from Duck Hunt and Wolf yelled in unison.

Isabelle died on the inside as she heard the mug she had just dropped shatter on the floor. She wasn’t ready for the stress of a dating life. What was she supposed to do? Did she just reject them both? But what if they spread rumors about her being a meanie?

“Um, can I answer after Villager’s wedding?” the yellow dog asked with so much nervousness that she made Lucas look like a total badass.

“Why?”

“I-I’m extremely busy because I have to plan his wedding. I’ve barely got any time to myself. I-I wouldn’t want to bother anyone because of my work. Once it’s all over, I’ll be able to have time for others.”

“I guess I understand how you’re feeling,” the dog replied, “We shouldn’t push ourselves onto you when you’re busy with something so important. It’s amazing how you put Villager above yourself.”

“We eagerly await your answer,” Wolf smirked, “See ya after the wedding.”

Isabelle sighed in relief as she saw her two admirers walk out of the coffee shop. She could not deal with romance right now and she was sure she was going to be sick of it by the time Villager’s wedding was over.

However, she was struck by a realization. She was just delaying the problem of having to answer. She barely knew her admirers but they seemed to really like her for some reason.

“Why did I have to be the one stuck in a love triangle?” the dog groaned, “Why couldn’t it be someone like Link? I can’t deal with this.”

“Just reject them both,” Cloud advised, “I would have done that if I were in your situation.”

“Would you?”

“… Maybe? I don’t know…”

“My life is a mess! I hope Villager can at least make up his mind to alleviate some of the stress.”


 

Isabelle was back in her office in the Smash Mansion. She couldn't bring herself to work, she was too worried about what she was going to do after the wedding.

“Isabelle, I think I’ve finally made up my mind!” Villager screamed with joy as he barged into his secretary’s office, “I’m going to have a double wedding with Bayonetta and Palutena!”

“W-why me?” Isabelle muttered on the verge of tears.

“Did you say something?”

“How wonderful! I can’t wait!”

Poor Isabelle, she’s way too pure for this shit. :(

Chapter Text

The 20th of April is Lucina’s birthday and poor Shulk doesn’t know what to get her. He’s scared that he’ll buy something she hates or that she’ll be offended by his gift. It was her first birthday with him as her boyfriend and Shulk did not want to disappoint her.

“I’m really not feeling it,” Shulk sighed as he sat at the bar.

“What’s the matter?” Joker asked while sipping on some apple juice.

“I need to get Lucina a birthday present. Her party is this afternoon and I don’t know what to get her. I’m scared I’ll make her mad.”

“I think I have an idea that might help.”


 

The two teenagers went to the living room that was eerily empty because it was April 20. Joker pulled out some microphones, plugged them into the TV and opened YouTube.

“Karaoke?” Shulk asked, “Didn’t we have a chapter about singing a few weeks ago?”

“Yes, but you’re not making an Ariana Grande parody. You’re going to sing Lucina’s favorite-”

“I don’t know her favorite song.”

The two were off to a great start!

Not knowing what would be suitable, Joker randomly chose the Neon Genesis Evangelion theme song because everyone he knew liked it. Shulk was feeling a bit uneasy because he couldn’t speak Japanese and had a very thick English accent.

“No, I can’t do it!” the blond shouted, “Everyone’s going to make fun of me!”

“The only ones that will make fun of you are the three guys who speak Japanese. Lucina will probably be impressed and think you’ve got a sexy accent. She’ll be like “wow, you can sing in the language Hero King Marth can speak” or something.”

“Fine, but you show me how to do it. I don’t know anything about singing and I can’t make up for it by dancing.”

Joker was really excited, he liked dancing and singing. He was looking forward to singing the theme song to one of his favorite shows despite not speaking more than basic Japanese which was still better than practically everyone at the mansion.

Before Joker could get to the chorus, the living room’s door was slammed open and he was getting scolded by Shulk’s girlfriend’s great great something grandpa from a universe in which the demon named Kris was not a thing.

“Roy, I told you’re not allowed to karaoke without me!”

“Um, wrong room?” Joker smiled as he paused the music.

“Oh…” Marth said as he noticed who he was talking to, “Sorry Ren… You really sound like Roy when you speak Japanese.”

While the two chatted about Joker’s sexy voice, Shulk noticed this was his chance to find out what he could get for Lucina.”

“Hero King Marth, what are you getting Lucina for her birthday?” the blond asked anxious to hear the prince’s answer.

“When’s her birthday?” the blue-haired swordsman answered genuinely not knowing the answer to his question.

“Today.”

“I-I knew that. Um… I’m getting her some special leaves. You know the ones that are on special today.”

“I should do the same!”

“We can’t do the same thing! Get her some coke or something.”

The blond had never considered getting his girlfriend some coke, but if Marth thought it was a good idea… Who would stop him?


 

The blond spent the rest of the morning practicing with Joker before heading out to town to get some coke. He walked past an alleyway where he was called by a voice he recognized.

“I’m not really feeling this dark alley...”

“It will be fine,” Yoshi told him, “Wanna buy some coke, kid?”

“Oh, yes! I need the best you have. It’s for my girlfriend.”

Yoshi smiled as he pulled out a suitcase and showed his fine collection of cocaine. Nobody wanted to buy any of it because it was April 20, but lady luck seemed to be on his side.

“Where’s the coke? All I see are stones and powder. I need coke like Coca-Cola. But not Pepsi, anything but Pepsi.”

‘Damn it!’ Yoshi mentally cursed. How was he supposed to sell his crack now? Wait! There was one way he could sell it.

“This powder is a powder to make coke. It allows the coke to last a long time without having to be drunk.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

Shulk didn’t question the high price, he was buying the best of the best as far as he was aware and Yoshi seemed relieved to have been able to help him. His afternoon was not going to be full of embarrassment!


 

Lucina was having a great time at her birthday party. Her little brother Morgan had come over to visit and she was having a blast with her family and friends.

“Thank you so much for this beautiful dress, Corrin!” Lucina smiled as she looked at the green dress with a cannabis pattern she had just received.

“Ya’ welcome!” a stoned Corrin replied with a creepy smile on her face.

“Aw, you got me some cannabis tea. Thanks, Meta Knight.”

Meta Knight just gave a thumbs up. He was too high to speak.

“Hero King Marth, you got me some beautiful leaves!”

“I’m not drunk!” a drunk Marth shouted, “Roy just wanted revenge because I tricked him into drinking shots last year.”

“Um? Was that a joke?”

“Unlike you, no. Kids these days have no sense of humor. Back in my day, people actually appreciated receiving weed from me.”

Lucina was ashamed of herself. No matter what she tried to do, she just couldn’t understand her idol’s humor. She felt so stupid, the Hero King was superior to her in so many ways.

“H-hey, Luci,” a nervous Shulk stuttered, “I’ve got you a gift. I-I hope you like it.”

Lucina opened her boyfriend’s gift full of excitement. She couldn’t wait to see what she would get from him.

“What is this?” the princess asked as she pulled out a bag full of white powder.

“I-It’s coke.”

“I-I-I… I love it! This is the first time someone that isn’t related to me has gotten me something that isn’t related to weed for my birthday!”

“Oh, thank God. I’m so glad you liked it. Now I’m really feeling this party.”

The party didn’t last that long since almost everyone besides Lucina’s direct family and Shulk left after an hour. But it was okay. They got to enjoy Shulk singing in a terrible accent and there’s nothing more enjoyable than watching the people you love embarrass themselves in private.

Because if it’s in public it’s embarrassing and you don’t want anything to do with them.

Chapter Text

Ultimate chatroom 10 am

 

MasterHand: I’ve created this chatroom for all of you to speak about upcoming tournaments, practice and complaints.

MasterHand: This is a serious chatroom, so I expect you all to act like mature adults. Thaat goes for the children too. If you want to good off create your own chatroom.

CrazyHand: lol you wrote thaat and good

CrazyHand was kicked out of the group

Mewtwo: I have some major complaints.

Marth: Me too! It should be mandatory for everyone to own an iPhone.

MasterHand: I can’t control what phone someone choose to own. I’ve told you this many times.

Marth: :(

Jigglypuff: I want to complain about Roy being allowed to sing anime songs all day! Why am I not allowed to do that?

Cloud: Because everyone will fall asleep. Although Roy should stop singing. His Japanese has become shit lately.

Roy: It has? But Marth keeps asking me to teach him how to read Kanji ‘cause he forgot how to read it.

Marth: Roy!

Roy: He also asks me how to pronounce some words. His Japanese is kinda rusty.

Marth: That was supposed to be OUR secret!

RoyKoopa: like your “secret” crush on him lol

DiddyKong: wait, they’re not actually fucking?

Wolf: I’ve got an important question

Wolf: are we allowed to say fuck?

ToonLink: fuck yeah we are!

Mewtwo: Can you guys stop talking? I’ve got serious complaints to make.

Joker: About the shit singing

Mewtwo: …

Joker: I’m the one doing it, not Roy

Shulk: Didn’t we already do this joke?

Mewtwo: Will anyone let me speak?

Incineroar: no

Pichu: whens my next match?

Snake: oh shit

Snake: I’ve got like a shit ton of matches

LittleMac: hah!

LittleMac: I’m free the next few days

CaptainFalcon: I finished my Melee matches yesterday

Jigglypuff: after getting your ass kicked by me like everyone else lol

Marth: Wait, Puff won?

Marth: Fox, we all believed in you.

Fox: Sorry, dude.

Fox: Puff played out of her mind

Fox: some guy threw a crab on her after she won

Pichu: what a meanie

MasterHand: this is the Ultimate chatroom

MasterHand: make a melee one if you want to talk about melee

Mewtwo: Is anyone going to listen to my complaints?

Ike: Mewtwo, we can’t hear text.

Pit: I can

 

Ultimate chatroom 1 pm

 

GodEmperor: I’ve given everyone nicknames.

GodEmperor: Since I’ve convinced Master Hand to make me the admin of the group, only I can change them.

LittleYellowShit: who r u

GodEmperor: Mewtwo

TinyYellowShit: omg

BreakUpWithMeplz: How’d you choose these names?

GodEmperor: By reading your mind, Link.

UglyBangsZelda: did you have to give everyone such mean nicknames?

GodEmperor: Yes because you guys piss me off.

Ganondorf: Agreed.

Number1Furry: How can I create a Melee chatroom?

BreakUpWithMeplz: I wanna know how to make chatrooms too

BreakUpWithMeplz: Can someone teach me?

FuckMeRoy: No.

TheCoolerRoy: I don’t want to fuck you

MarthIsMyWaifu: Who’s FuckMeRoy?

FuckMeRoy: your waifu

FuckMeRoy: now go fuck yourself

MarthIsMyWaifu: I thought you wanted me to fuck you

GayestLord: At this point, I think you two will confess by talking about how much you fucking hate each other.

GayestLord: If that happens, you two owe me a ten year supply of meat.

BreakUpWithMeplz: Do you think Zelda and I will break up on the same day?

UglyBangsZelda: How can you say such a thing?

BreakUpWithMeplz: I just wanna see his one-liner.

GayestLord: You two will break up because you’ll be in love with the same guy on the same day.

BottomTierMac: Can you predict who will end up with Samus?

GayestLord: No but I know it won’t be you.

PissedOffLink: can we make Ike the therapist instead of Mewtwo?

PissedOffLink: his classes suck

FuckMeRoy: They worked for me.

GodEmperor: Not even in your dreams.

Iwantahotboyfriend: I don’t know Marth. You get more insane every year.

Iwantahotboyfriend: Or maybe you’re sane but your english makes you seem insane.

Iwantahotboyfriend: That would explain why you told me your favorite english word was fuck when you were learning english.

PeachEcho: I’m pretty sure he’s just as insane in Japanese

LooksHotInDrag: can confirm

MarthIsMyWaifu: He’s even weirder in Japanese.

WannaPleaseMyGF: I’m lost

TooPure4ThisWorld: Can someone make a friendly chatroom?

Number1Furry: I’ve finished making the Melee chatroom!

Crossdressing24/7: About time.

 

Melee chatroom 1:15 pm

 

Mew2King: These nicknames suck.

Hungrybox: At least yours makes more sense than mine.

Mew2King: I’m Marth.

Armada: I like mine!

PPMD: Who are you?

Armada: Peach.

Plup: Where did you find these nicknames, Fox?

Mang0: Random name generator.

Axe: can u change them

Mang0: Fine.

Nicknames reset

Peach: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peach: I liked my nickname :’(

Dr. Mario: Your nickname quit you faster than your imaginary boyfriend.

Peach: I’ll get one one day!

Peach: Right, Daisy?

Samus: This is the Melee chatroom, Peach.

Peach: can we invite Daisy?

Marth: She wasn’t in Melee.

Marth: It’s Melee or nothing here.

Pichu: ur just salty u suck

Marth: no u

Kirby: can I make an original 12 chatroom?

Samus: what’s the point?

Kirby: true…

Popo: How about a brawl one?

Ganondorf: Hell no

Pikachu: A smash 4 one?

Sheik: No one would even join it.

Pikachu: good point

 

Purity chatroom 2 pm

 

Isabell: I created this for all of us who are tired of the other’s inappropriate conversations.

PkFreeze: Thanks. They kept swearing the whole time.

MegaMegaMan: Yeah, now that all the Melee guys quit, it’s full of dirty jokes and Ike one-liners.

Marthiscool: I don’t understand any of those jokes. :(

WitchTime: I wish I could see what was going on in the Melee chat.

GoddessOfLight: Me too. I’m so worried about Kirby.

SquirrelTurtle: Pichu’s there too

DaisyFlower: I’m sure he’s fine. The Melee guys are all close, they’re like a big family.

TrainerLeaf: I always see them talking together. I wish we were all as close as them.

IvyWarnsYou: it kinda makes sense since there were like 20 something fighters and now theres over 70

PlantGang: you think they have fun conversations

DaisyFlower: they probably think about all the fun they’ve had together

GoddessOfLight: If that’s the case, there’s nothing to worry about.

 

Melee chatroom 2 pm

 

Kirby: And then I told her to go fuck herself and so she printed a photo of herself and fucked it

CaptainFalcon: So, if I do the same but with a photo of Samus…

Samus: Can we kick him out?

Jigglypuff: But he’s a big part of this group :(

Kirby: Lol, I heard some of the others started a purity chatroom.

Fox: What a bunch of losers.

Jigglypuff: Like you.

Fox: >:(

YoungLink: It sounds pretty nice to be honest. You guys are always assholes when you’re together.

Roy: Are you implying that Marth’s not actually asshole?

Nana: Oof

Nana: Feels bad, YL

Mario: How come Link and Zelda aren’t in the group?

Luigi: They’re not the ones from Melee.

Mario: But why is Sheik here?

Sheik: I’m the one from Melee. I had a contract where I’d sometimes swap places with TP Zelda in Brawl.

Yoshi: life makes sense now

Ness: Hey, what do you guys think Mewtwo wanted to complain about earlier?

Mewtwo: Fucking finally.

Mewtwo: I wanted to complain about how most you were losers obsessed with romance and how the stupid couples disgust me.

Peach: So it wasn’t just me!

Peach: I thought I was the only one seeing couples everywhere!

 

Ultimate chatroom 3 pm

 

DadMarth: I think WiiFit has a crush on little mac.

BegoneMonster: Same here lol

PikminAbuser: but mac likes samus :(

PikminAbuser: you guys are making me feel bad for her

Snaaaaake: not as much as you make us feel bad for Monique, Laurence, Billy, Sandy and Dexter

PikminAbuser: I don’t abuse my pikmin!

Snaaaaake: sure

PikminAbuser: I have a wife and if I were an abuser, she would have quit me

Snaaaaake: She’s too scared to quit you. She doens’t want you to hurt Alph because she likes him more than you.

ForgottenAlph: But I don’t want to be with his wife

No1likesCorn: I can’t really see anyone getting together anymore

BreakUpWithMeplz: Marth was right, you are retarded

SureyouKen: Can Ike come back to this group. It’s boring without him.

BreakUpWithMeplz: He’s eating rn

DDD: where

BreakUpWithMeplz: next to me

DDD: Tell him to go online

NoFlying: He said he doesn’t want to

NoFlying: food before doods

BreakUpWithMeplz: that’s not what he said

BreakUpWithMeplz: stop lying Pit

EdgyPit: no one cares

 

Purity chatroom 4 pm

 

Diddy: This chatroom sucks.

Diddy left the group

 

Peach’s romantic chatroom 5 pm

 

PrincessPeach: I created this chatroom so we could all give each other advice!

Ifightformyfood: Why am I here? I have a boyfriend.

PrincessPeach: To give us all advice.

Ifightformyfood: Why’s Link here?

ChampionofHyrule: I need help breaking up :(

Ifightformyfood: Why isn’t Daisy here?

PrincessPeach: because I don’t want to burden her

T3HPH1R3: How do you confess to someone without messing up?

ChapmionofHyrule: I think you’re a lost cause

ChampionofHyrule: Ike, you’re dating someone who’s an asshole. You should have some good advice.

Ifightformyfood: I’m dating a guy who’s an asshole to everyone who’s not me.

Ifightformyfood: Marth’s an asshole to everyone.

PrincessPeach: He’s pretty nice to me

PrincessPeach: And Cloud

PrincessPeach: And Kirby

LuigiIsCool: Wow, Marth’s actually nicer than I thought.

LuigiIsCool: I used to be terrified of him in Melee.

PrincessPeach: What are you doing here?

LuigiIsCool: You added me?

LuigiIsCool was kicked out of the group

 

THE BEST chatroom 6 pm

 

MeleeFox: I created a new group guys

UltimatePichu: Yay!

MeleeMarth: What was wrong with the Melee group?

MeleePuff: Mostly you thus making this chatroom pointless

4Bayonetta: I hope this chatroom doesn’t turn to shit like the others.

4Cloud: The Ultimate one is full of everyone begging for more Ike one-liners.

64Kirby: lol

BrawlMK: What even is the point of this group?

UltimatePeach: It’s full of top tiers from each tournament.

64Pikachu: group sucks

64Pikachu: bye

64Pikachu has left the group

 

Ultimate chatroom 7 pm

 

PsychoMayor: Let’s play truth or dare!

PsychoMayor: Game & Watch, truth or dare?

2DisBetter: truth

PyschoMayor: who would look best cut up

2DisBetter: The duck from duck hunt

Ducky: What did I ever do to you?

2DisBetter: @GayestLord

GayestLord: what

HeartStealer: He’s back!

PinkMurderer: Yay! I’m so excited!

GayestLord: bye

YogaLover: No, come back!

PeachFanboy: I’ll always give you the best food!

GayestLord: fine I’ll stay

PeachFanboy: what do you think I should do to get Peach to love me?

GayestLord: she’s not worth it, date Pauline instead

SerialKidnapper: what about me?

GayestLord: go back to Miyamoto

 

The girls’ chatroom 8 pm

 

GalaxyQueen: I made a chatroom for us girls to discuss girl stuff!

PinkQueen: like what? Yaoi? Bras? Hot guys? Food?

FlowerQueen: who do you hang out with when you’re not with me?

HylianQueen: I like how all our names have queen in them

LightQueen: want me to send you doujin recommendations?

PinkQueen: yes!

IceQueen: What’s a doujin?

PinkQueen: Nothing for you to worry about

PokemonQueen: I just broke up with my boyfriend

MetroidQueen: let me guess, he shitted on your pokemon

IceQueen: that’s gross!

PinkQueen: does someone want to read the fanfic I’m writing?

FlowerQueen: last time I read a fanfic you wrote, I almost vomited

FlowerQueen: tone it down in the sex scenes

IceQueen: um can we keep this kid friendly?

WitchQueen: send me some nudes

WitchQueen: shit wrong chat!

WitchQueen: forget what I just sent

WitchQueen: the message about nudes not the second one

 

Me and my idiots chatroom 8:30 pm

 

LinkRocks: I finally figured it out guys!

WelikeIke: about time

Martha: fuck you Link

LinkRocks: :(

LinkRocks changed Martha’s nickname to Marth

Marth: thanks

LinkRocks: :D

PitSucksLOL: you two have the weirdest relationship in this group

OurBoy: Should have seen the shit he did with the first Link

Marth: the good old Melee days :)

OurBoy: you never wanted to hang out back then lol

OurBoy: you were a huge dick too

LinkRocks: I just noticed your tipper sword thing mechanic also translates to real life!

PitSucksLOL: what? How does that work?

LinkRocks: In Melee, Marth was kinda pushing Roy away when they weren’t that close. Now that they’re closer than ever, Roy’s kinda doing the same but to a lesser extent.

PitSucksLOL: So, like if Roy punches you it will hurt as much as when Marth throws something on you. But if the roles are inverted, it wont hurt?

LinkRocks: Yeah. Or if Roy hugs you, it’s a bear hug whereas Marth is barely touching you and keeps his distance or gets extremely embarrassed and awkward.

WelikeIke: So, if I’m understanding this correctly.

WelikeIke: Roy tops?

OurBoy: :D

Marth: what the actual fuck?

PitSucksLOL: I don’t see what that has to do with the tipper mechanic. Roy’s taller so of course he’s on top.

PitSucksLOL: I might not be able to read, but I understand Math.

PitSucksLOL: If something is taller, then it’s closer to the top.

 

Ultimate chatroom 9 pm

 

MasterDick: I lave you guys alone and it turns into this?

GodEmperor: you mean leave

MasterDick: I’m deleting this app forever

TinyYellowShit: no!!!!! I love it!

GayestLord: yes please

MasterDick: …

PeachFanboy: It was nice knowing you all.

Sucker: I’m telling dad about this!


 

 

And thus the chatroom app Master Hand had worked so hard on was deleted. He vowed to never create anything like that again. He had read every single conversation and was beginning to become as mentally unstable as the person writing this.

 


 

Master Hand woke up screaming. Crazy Hand asked him what was wrong.

“I had this weird dream where I opened up a chatroom and all the fighters were goofing around and it was full of dirty jokes.”

“So? What was wrong? Did they start doing R-18 roleplays or what?”

“No… I was still holding Melee tournaments. MELEE TOURNAMENTS. How is that even supposed to work when Melee Link and Zelda are gone, Roy’s all grown up and Jigglypuff lost her green headband?”

“That’s what you were worried about?”

Chapter Text

When the kids heard that Master Hand would be holding a party during the weekend, they were all filled with excitement. There were rarely any parties at the Smash Mansion. This was like a once in a lifetime opportunity for many of them.

Out of all the kids, the two Links were the most excited. They were planning on pranking so many people, they were going to have a blast.

However, there was a huge problem like always. Master Hand had expected there to be many pranksters and he knew none of them were getting laid, so he made the party couples only.

 

“I can’t stand it!” Toon Link shouted as he kicked his shield out of frustration, “That dumb hand is such a bitch!”

“Maybe we could sneak our way in?” Young Link suggested.

“That’s out of the question, Mewtwo’s in charge of security!.”

“Wait, but if it’s Mewtwo… We could bribe him or something!”

The young Hero of Time whispered to the Hero of the Winds some plans on how to they could get into the party. The two Links laughed like maniacs as they planned their weekend gaining them some weird glances from confused passerby smashers.


 

On the night of the party, the two Links made their way to the entrance. The queue was really long since Mewtwo was taking his sweet time to check every single couple (he was gathering blackmail material).

The pokemon was also ruining relationships for the fun of it. He had told a random Mii that his girlfriend was cheating on him and made them break up. He even convinced another Mii that the guy she was with wasn’t her real boyfriend and was instead a clone.

The psychic was even allowing non-couples to enter if he found them amusing enough. He had allowed Bowser Jr. to enter the party with a Barbie along with all of his siblings who were their “adopted kids”.

Knowing all of this, the two Links were sure they’d be let in without a second thought.

“No,” Mewtwo glared.

“What?!” Toon Link yelled, “But you have to let us in!”

“No, rules are rules.”

“But you let Lucas and Ness in and they’re not dating.”

“They’re fellow psychics.”

Toon Link was pissed off but he wasn’t giving up yet. He had a backup plan.

 

“You’ll have to forgive your wife for me,” Toon Link told his friend.

“Why?” Young Link asked not knowing what awaited him.

“I’m gonna set you up with the first person I see.”

The two Links waited for an hour for a single person to appear. It seemed like all hope was lost but then Leaf appeared. She was all alone because she had recently broken up with her boyfriend who kept shitting on Charizard.

The Links knew it was time to strike. Toon Link called Leaf over and put his plan in motion.

“Have you ever thought about going out with Time?”

“No,” the brunette answered without a second thought.

“Um, why don’t you give it a try? He’s got lots of good qualities like… Um, he’s a true nine-year-old!”

“What does he think about Charizard? All of my past boyfriends hated him.”

“He kinda su-” Young Link started before being interrupted by Toon Link.

“He loves Charizard!”

And just like that, Young Link had gotten a date for the party.

 

The trio walked up to Mewtwo and asked for permission to access the party. Mewtwo let Leaf and Young Link in but told Toon that he was too old to be the pair’s adopted son.

The short blond kicked his shield in anger once again. He couldn’t believe what had happened. Young Link got to go to the party while he was stuck outside. He knew the hero of Time would be pranking everyone. The world really hated him sometimes.

 

Meanwhile, Young Link wasn’t having much more fun. He was reluctantly listening to Leaf go on and on about her pokemon and how great they were. Young Link didn’t need to know that Charizard liked roasting marshmallows with his tail.

He managed to escape the pokemon fanatic by saying he needed to go to the toilet. Instead of going to the toilet, Young Link decided to head towards the buffet to get some free food while waiting for Toon Link to make it in somehow.

The queue was insanely long and was moving at a slow pace. It didn’t help that guys like Ike were taking everything available and slowing the whole line down. Talk about being selfish!

Young Link sighed as he waited in boredom. Tonight was going to suck.

 

Toon Link took a deep breath as he approached Mewtwo. The Hylian didn’t want to bother getting an actual date, so this was his last chance to get in.

“Where’s your date?” the purple pokemon glared.

“Here,” Toon Link blushed as he took out a tablet and showed it to Mewtwo, “I’m dating Wild’s tablet… We’ve been going out for a while but I’ve always been too scared to tell anyone because I find dating to be stupid and I’m also a bit embarrassed since Wild’s tablet isn’t an iPad. I don’t want people making fun of me because I’m not cool enough to date an Apple device...”

Mewtwo was speechless, he couldn’t believe how desperate Toon Link was. However, an amazing idea popped into his mind.

“If you let me look at the contents of that tablet, I’ll let you in, kid,” the psychic smirked.

Toon Link’s eyes lit up in excitement. He thanked the pokemon and gave him the password to the tablet. Mewtwo mentally laughed as he saw all the blackmail material available. Satisfied with what he had received, he let the young blond enter the party.

 

“Time!” the blond yelled as he failed to find his friend, “Time, where are you?”

“You’re also looking for Young Link?” Leaf asked as she spotted the short kid, “He left a few minutes ago to the toilet but I asked around and no one saw him go there.”

“What a dick! I bet he’s already pranking everyone!”

 

Meanwhile, Young Link was still in line waiting to get some food. If Ike was a disturbance, Kirby was a nightmare. He kept complaining about the lack of food and all the cooks were busy making food specifically for him because he had already eaten everything available at the buffet.

“Time!” Toon Link yelled as he kicked his fellow Hylian out of the line, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I don’t agree with his language,” Leaf sighed before pouting, “But what exactly were you doing?”

“I was going to get food but now I have to wait in line again,” the Hero of Time groaned in annoyance as his disappointment was immeasurable and his day was ruined.

“Forget about the food, we need to prank everyone!” the shorter blond reminded Young Link.

 

The two Links managed to convince Leaf to help them. They carefully planned their prank and giggled in a dark corner that everyone was avoiding. No one was really interested in what the three kids were talking about and those who bothered listening were pretty confused.

“Leaf, you gather everyone’s attention. Time, you’ll kick the DJ out while everyone’s distracted. I’ll gather as much coke as I can. Once that’s done, the true show begins.”

 

Leaf ran to the dance floor where many fighters were dancing and broke down into crocodile tears. Everyone’s attention was immediately directed to the eleven-year-old girl.

“What’s wrong, Leaf?” Palutena asked her.

Leaf was caught completely off guard. She hadn’t come up with an excuse as to why she was crying. She needed her excuse to be believable.

“I-I… I gained one pound!” the brunette cried out before everyone gasped in horror.

“Everything will be fine, I can take you to the gym right away! I’m sure Wii Fit will be glad to help you lose weight.”

“Um...”

 

Things weren’t going much smoother on Young Link’s side. The DJ had just started playing the Hylian’s favorite song.

“I guess I’ll wait until it’s over.”

However, the next song to play was his second favorite song and then his third favorite song. After a few songs, the Hero of Time had completely forgotten about the plan.

 

While his teammates were messing up, Toon Link was making sure he succeeded. He was the most essential part of the plan after the coke. But there was no coke, only Pepsi.

“Does anyone have some god damn Coca-Cola!” the angry kid yelled, “No one fucking likes Pepsi!”

“You could always drink some apple juice,” Bowser Jr. told him as he handed him a glass of juice, “It’s like beer but way cooler and better!”

“Fuck you!”

 

After failing for ten minutes, the trio reunited to discuss their next actions.

“It’s like someone read our minds and purposely made it impossible for us to prank everyone!” Toon Link screamed as he kicked a bottle of Pepsi.

“I wonder who could have possibly done that?” a voice coming from behind the trio laughed.

“Mewtwo! You’re the one who ruined our plans?”

“Of course, the only one who gets to prank dumbass romance-obsessed people is me.”

“Um, we don’t actually care about the romance part. We just wanted to piss people off.”

Toon Link had successfully pissed off the psychic-type pokemon with a few sentences and in the snap of a finger, he found himself at the entrance with his two friends and many angry couples.

“We heard everything, you got us all kicked out!” Robin shouted at the trio, “Why does everything always go wrong on my daughter’s dates? Look at how upset she is!”

The three “pranksters” didn’t know what to say so they just ran away hoping all the angry people wouldn’t catch up to them.

 

Meanwhile, all the single people were enjoying the party completely oblivious to the events that had just transpired.

Chapter Text

Zelda was having a nice date with her boyfriend at the cafeteria. She didn’t know why her boyfriend had chosen the cafeteria of all places, but she didn’t mind. Link was a funny guy after all. Although, he had a huge inferiority complex. He always went on and on about how his friends were better than him.

He was so selfless and loved his friends more than anything. Zelda loved that about him but it did make dating him hard since he’d always put his friends first. He’d even choose eating with them over her.

Zelda figured this was because all of Link’s close friends, besides Ike, were single and he didn’t want to remind them that they were single. Poor Link, he was just too pure for this world.

“What did I do to deserve such a cute boyfriend?” Zelda asked herself unaware that she was talking out loud.

“Sometimes I wonder that myself,” her boyfriend answered.

“Oh, Link, you’re so funny!”

“I’m pretty sure Pit’s funnier.”

“Link, you need to stop thinking so negatively of yourself! You’re a great person with many great qualities, you don’t need to compare yourself to your friends. There are things that you’re much better at than them, like cooking.”

“Yeah, and there are more things that they’re objectively better at than me. Roy’s better at messing up relationships, Ike’s good at having good relationships with people and Marth’s objectively hotter than me.”

“Link, you know that last one isn’t true!”

“Actually, I think Link’s got a point for once,” Marth smirked as he joined the conversation, “I’m objectively hotter than him.”

“See?” Link smiled as he high-fived his blue-haired friend, “Even Marth gets it.”

“That’s not true!” Zelda yelled, “You’re way hotter than him.”

“Finally, someone gets it!” Ike shouted, “Link’s objectively way hotter than Marth.”

“Exactly! I don’t see why Link can’t understand that.”

The four were arguing so much that almost the whole cafeteria ended up arguing too. Every table was filled with debates on whether Link really was hotter than Marth. The only ones not debating were the little kids who didn’t know what “hot” meant, Samus’s three fanboys who were daydreaming about her, Roy who just wanted to have one day without arguing with anyone and Pit.

Pit was trying to figure out which side to join. He didn’t know what would piss Link off the most. Maybe he should just ruin the debate, but how?

“Guys, I think you’re all missing the point,” the angel announced, “The real debate isn’t whether Link is hotter than Marth or vice-versa. No... The real debate is whether donuts are better than chocolate.”

“Oh, Pit!” the Hylian champion laughed, “That’s not even a debate. Chocolate is the best invention since sliced bread.”

“No, donuts are better!”

“If you want to live your life on the wrong side, be my guest. Just know you’re missing out on life. Donuts aren’t even that good.”

All hope seemed lost for Pit. He actually agreed with Link, donuts were quite mediocre, but he needed to piss the Hylian off. Luckily, someone was on his side.

“Link, you may be my boyfriend,” Zelda sighed before getting really serious, “But I’ll have to completely disagree with you. There’s no way chocolate is better. Donuts are love, donuts are life. You’re completely wrong.”

The mood in the cafeteria had remained the same after the confrontation but now people were debating on whether donuts were better than chocolate or not. It seemed that team chocolate was winning, but Zelda couldn’t go down without a fight.

She had to lead her side to victory. She had to start a campaign to prove that donuts were the superior dessert. She refused to lose against her boyfriend.


 

Zelda needed a team, but sadly, it seemed most of the fighters were out and the only one who agreed with her was Pit. He didn’t know how to read and wouldn’t be of any help to organize a campaign, but Zelda was desperate for help.

She managed to convince Pit into helping her by telling him that she’d buy him ice cream and after bribing some of the kids, she had a team.

“We should split up into three teams,” the wise princess suggested, “One group should focus on research, one should organize and one should focus on being the campaigners.”

As everyone did their part, Zelda carefully analyzed all of Link’s actions. He already had ads, sponsors, planned appearances on radio and TV shows and merchandise. It was going to be hard for Zelda to catch up.

“Zelda, Link’s on TV!” Pit shouted, “Do you think he did something cool?”

“No, it’s definitely him promoting chocolate over donuts!”

The duo paid close attention to the TV screen were Link was being interviewed by some guy. He was telling the interviewer that he had recently gotten his friends to buy him every billboard in town to campaign for chocolate and that they had even put ads in toilets.

Zelda gritted her teeth as she saw all her boyfriend had accomplished. She needed help and she knew who could help her. She didn’t want to ask him for help, but she had no other choice.

“Pit, we’re going to the Apple store!”

“Why?”

“We need help from customer service.”


 

“So, you guys want to campaign against Link and chocolate?” Ganondorf asked completely unimpressed.

“Yes, we need your help, I don’t have enough money to buy all the billboards in town,” the princess of Hyrule explained, “Everyone’s agreeing with him, but I can’t lose. Donuts are hands down better than chocolate.”

“And how’s Pit involved with all of this?”

“Oh, I just want to piss Link off,” the angel admitted as he unknowingly impressed the Gerudo king.

“I’ll help you, but you’re going to need to buy a lot, especially seeing as how my best costumer also happens to be the person buying Link all of his billboards.”

Pit and Zelda looked at each other before grinning. Zelda had never noticed it, but Pit was actually kind of adorable.

“Wait, what did I just think?” the princess said out loud confusing Ganondorf and Pit, “This is wrong! I’m dating Link!”

“Are you okay, Zelda?” Pit asked full of worry.

“Y-yes!” Zelda blushed, “I’m fine! Perfectly fine!”

That was a huge lie. Zelda wasn’t fine at all. She had to rid herself of those inappropriate thoughts. She had a boyfriend, she couldn’t just go around thinking about other guys. Although, sometimes she thought her boyfriend was thinking about other girls.


 

Peach just focused on the juice she was drinking as Zelda spilled her heart out. Peach really didn’t care about the contest, although she was on team chocolate because it was the morally right team to be on.

“So, what?” the Mushroom Kingdom’s princess rolled her eyes as she sipped some of her juice, “You’re just experiencing sexual tensions, happens to all of us.”

“Do you think Link will be mad at me? Oh, he’ll be furious!”

“I don’t think he’ll care,” Daisy admitted as she walked into the room her friends were in, “You just need to get rid of them and then explain everything to Link. If you’re honest, he’ll understand.”

“Yeah!” Peach cheered, “Just like in that episode of South Park, just kiss him and get it over with.”

“I don’t think that will work” the Hylian sighed, “Link will think I was cheating on him with one of his closest friends. He’ll be so angry! Our relationship will be ruined!”

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll understand. I mean, he hangs out with hotties all the time, I wouldn’t be surprised if he admitted he’s wanted to bang them at least once. Wanna place bets on who he thinks about the most?”

“No! There’s no way he thinks about his friends that way.”

Daisy couldn’t help but facepalm. Her friends were idiots. She didn’t know why people always thought she was the idiot of the group. It wasn’t her fault she was forced to act like one on stage because of the hands.


 

Zelda needed to confront her boyfriend. She needed to know the truth.

She managed to find him talking with some of his friends. They were talking about chocolate being better than donuts. Perfect.

“Link,” Zelda smiled innocently, “Can we talk?”

“Ugh, I’m busy talking with the guys about organizing a chocolate convention, can our talk wait?”

“It’s really important!”

“So is our convention.”

“You know what. Why don’t we hold a debate this afternoon? Settle this argument once and for all.”

“Sure, whatever.”


 

The princess was making way more flashcards than necessary and coaching Pit and Ganondorf for the upcoming debate. They only had a few hours to train and they needed to make a good impression to get the crowd on their side.

Ganondorf wasn’t actually reading Zelda’s notes and was instead daydreaming about world domination. Meanwhile, Pit couldn’t read Zelda’s notes and was scribbling things on a paper. His drawings sucked and didn’t look like shit, but Pit was happy with the result and smiled as he showed off his creations.

Zelda couldn’t help but find Pit ador- No, bad Zelda!

Progress was really slow.


 

The stage for the debate was a huge arena with two long tables face to face. There were cameras everywhere and a big crowd was occupying all the seats. All the fighters had gotten front seats since they were considered VIPs.

“Welcome to the largest debate of the year!” Joker announced, “On the right side, we have team Donuts and on the left, we have team Chocolate. You may now begin the debate by presenting your arguments!”

Zelda immediately started analyzing the opposition. Link had brought Marth and Ike with him. Her boyfriend really was taking the debate seriously. It was not going to be an easy battle.

Link was presenting all of his arguments with absolute perfection, too bad Zelda wasn’t listening. She was staring at Pit who was lost in his thoughts. Why was the angel so cute?

“And that’s why chocolate is objectively better than donuts,” the Hylian champion smiled as he eagerly awaited his enemies’ response.

“Objection!” Ganondorf yelled, “You like chocolate that automatically makes it shit!”

“Yeah!” Pit agreed before looking at the flashcard Zelda had drawn for him, “Cross, chocolate? Chocolate green person vomit?”

“Exactly. Moreover, donuts have a fast food restaurant, chocolate doesn’t.”

“Arrow big guy sad face! What do you think Zelda?”

“Um...” the princess blushed embarrassed by her teammates’ terrible arguments, “Donuts taste nice.”

“How will you counter that?”

“Donuts taste like fucking shit,” Marth told his friend.

Team Donuts was definitely losing. There was no way for them to win. Pit had to make sure his team kicked Link’s team’s ass.

“You know what,” the angel started, “I lied, the real issue really is whether Link is hotter than Marth or not.”

The whole arena was in shock. This was an unexpected turn of events. Yet somehow, no one seemed to mind the change of topic.

“I must bid you farewell,” Ganondorf announced to his team, “There is no way in Hell I’ll ever be on this team.”

“But Ganondorf, you’re our ace!” Pit cried, “We’re gonna lose now!”

“It’s okay, I’ll take his place,” Ike reassured his winged friend, “We’ll win this debate.”

“Um, may the new debate begin!” Joker announced.

“This Link might not be anywhere near as hot as the previous Link, but he’s-.”

“Excuse me,” interrupted, “But I must object to you being on that team. You shouldn’t be allowed to be in this debate at all since it’s not about food anymore.”

“What? My life doesn’t revolve around food.”

“But, Ike… Um... You’ve got a boyfriend.”

“I bet he doesn’t-” Marth said before having his head slammed onto the table by Link and being knocked out.

“There will be no Tik Tok references in this debate!”

“You just knocked out our ace!” Ganondorf yelled at the Hylian, “What the fuck are we going to do now?”

Team Marth appeared to be in shambles as all Link and Ganondorf did was argue. Pit didn’t want to compliment Link in any way and Ike wanted to wait for the opposing team to stop arguing. This left Zelda as the first speaker.

“L-L-Li...”

Zelda couldn’t focus, she knew Pit was looking at her full of hope. She didn’t want to disappoint him. She took a quick glance at him and her face lit up. The angel was too cute.

“I can’t carry on this way!” the princess said as she slapped herself shocking the crowd before quickly kissing Pit and immediately feeling relieved, “Much better. Link is the most perfect boyfriend anyone could ask for. He’s got a great caring personality...”

The princess rambled on about why her boyfriend was the hottest guy in the world but no one was listening. Everyone was even further in shock, except Link. The Hylian seemed way to happy by his girlfriend’s apparent disloyalty.

Pit noticed Link’s joy, he couldn’t let his enemy be happy. He had to change the topic again.

“Pineapple belongs on pizza!”

This caught the rambling princess’ attention. She had lost all attraction to Pit after hearing that. She despised pineapple on pizza and it appeared her boyfriend agreed. She swapped places with Ganondorf and found herself teamed up with her boyfriend and an unconscious Marth.

“Anyone who thinks pineapple on pizza is disgusting is disgusting,” Ganondorf smirked as he was finally pitted against his two biggest enemies.

“I may hate pineapple on pizza,” Ike sighed before collecting himself, “But if people want to have shit taste in food, they have the right to have shit taste in food!”

“Did we win?” Marth yawned as he woke up.

“No, we changed topics again,” Link explained, “We’re now arguing on whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not. Do you have any good arguments?”

“Hm… I don’t really like pizza, but pizza Hawaii is quite the delicious pizza. I think it’s my favorite pizza.”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

“No, why? Do you want me to be sarcastic? I can imitate the idiots who think pineapple on pizza is wrong if you want me to.”

Link kicked Marth out of the team and found himself alone with his girlfriend much to his dismay. Zelda was way too excited about this. She didn’t care who won or lost the debate anymore, she wasn’t arguing with her boyfriend and that was what mattered to her.

The princess graciously accepted her defeat since she had won back her boyfriend and lost her attraction to Pit. She had been so afraid at the prospect of her relationship being ruined by some random sexual tension. She was eternally grateful to the goddesses that nothing bad had happened.

Chapter Text

It just happened. Nobody saw it coming. Even the Persona 5 song didn’t see it coming. It just all came out of nowhere.


 

It was a bright sunny day and the Smash Mansion was preparing itself for the upcoming summer season. Fighters were getting the pool that nobody ever used ready. Master Hand had ordered all the kids to work on designing a slide for the pool in the hope of attracting more Smashers to the pool. Everyone always went to the water park in town because it had huge slides and Master Hand was tired of paying for the pool.

Back in the first tournament, the 12 original fighters had begged for a pool to be built. Master Hand reluctantly had one built right on time for the Melee tournament, but it turned out a new water park opened at the same time. All the Melee newcomers immediately went to it and weren’t even aware there was a pool. The original 12 enjoyed the new pool but the stories they heard from the newcomers made them all abandon the pool for the water park.


 

“I had no idea there was a pool in the mansion,” Nana admitted as she drew her ideal slide, “I never even noticed it.”

“I still can’t believe not a single fighter who debuted in Melee managed to go all this time without noticing it,” Ness giggled, “You Melee fighters sure are something.”

“To be fair, I haven’t been here for a long time,” Pichu told the psychic, “How was I supposed to know there was a big pool in the garden?”

All the children designed their slides. Kids like Lucas and Pichu had cute and safe slides. Others like Ness and the Links had normal water park slides. The Koopalings had all worked together to design the most badass slide imaginable. But nothing could have prepared any of the kids for the villagers’ slide.

“This slide is much faster and longer than any of the slides at the water park,” the pink-haired villager explained as she showed her sketches to the kids, “It is filled with deadly traps and the water has red coloring in it to make it look like blood. There’s a one percent survival rate.”

“I’m so proud of you, dear,” Villager cried as he applauded his fiance’s presentation, “This has to be the slide we choose.”

Most of the kids, being idiots with no fears, looked forward to the psychopaths’ slide. In their eyes, that slide was the coolest invention in the history of mankind.

To everyone’s surprise, the slide was approved by the hands. It took one day for it to be built because Master Hand had amazing connections to all the best builders available.

The hand was looking forward to the slide’s opening ceremony. Labeling the slide as “deadly” had been an amazing PR stunt because everyone wanted to check it out.


 

On the day of the opening ceremony, Master Hand gave the kids the task of being the first people to ride the slide. They all gathered at the top of the tower leading to the slide.

“You know, it looks scarier from here,” Popo admitted, “I think I’m changing my mind about going down this slide.”

“Coward,” Toon Link smirked, “Who’s gonna first? It would be boring if Time or I went down first since we have the Triforce of Courage.”

“R-right,” Young Link agreed, “Why don’t we draw straws to decide?”

All the kids drew straws and Lucas found himself with the shortest one. The poor blond was scared to death by the slide. He wanted to leave but there was too much pressure.

“Do you have any last words?” Villager asked, “There is only a one percent survival rate after all.”

The blond reluctantly stepped towards the entrance of the slide. He was about to say his final words but he slipped. He tried getting up but he slipped again. However this time, he was way too close to the slide’s entrance.

The blond could feel his heart racing, another misstep and it would be the end of him. If he was going to die, he wanted it to at least not be by accident.

“I’ve got something very important to tell you guys,” the blond said as he carefully stood up but in a failed attempt to find his balance he slipped into the slide, “I’m ggggggggaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!”

Lucas screamed all of the way as knives narrowly missed him. He was so scared he couldn’t even wet his swimming suit. He knew he wasn’t going to survive the ride. He had already traveled one mile down the slide and it still wasn’t over.

The blond saw a trapdoor open in front of him. He closed his eyes and screamed “I’m gay” even louder as he fell through it. In under a second, he found himself in a pool. As he opened his eyes, he realized he wasn’t in the mansion’s pool but in one of the water park’s pools. A crowd full of mainly Melee fighters had gathered around him.

“Lucas just came out of nowhere!” Peach screamed as she swam towards the psychic, “We didn’t even see him coming!”

“Literally or figuratively?” Falco asked in confusion only to be ignored.

“Is this Hell?” Lucas mumbled as he floated in the pool, “Am I dead? Did I die a painless death?”

“Oh, thank goodness you’re fine. We were all so worried. You came out of nowhere.”

“Is this Heaven?”

“No, you’re still alive, Lucas.”

Not knowing what else to do, the psychic boy spent the rest of the day in the water park.


 

Meanwhile, the others were still waiting at the top of the tower.

“You think he’s dead?” Bowser Jr. asked, “Do we have to prepare his funeral?”

“I think we do,” Ness answered, “I think he’d appreciate us honoring his last words by putting a rainbow flag next to his grave.”

“Let’s go prepare his grave in that case,” Red sighed.

“Why are we all acting like he’s dead?” Pichu asked.

“Because he is.”

The kids went down the tower before being met with a surprise announcement nobody had seen coming.

“The slide is closing down,” Kirby announced, “Master Hand just got sued by the water park and dad is really angry about it!”

“What!?” the kids all shouted in unison.

“The water park thinks the slide was built to illegally access the water park for free. I hear everyone was enjoying the park until Lucas came out of nowhere.”

“Aw, shucks,” Villager blurted out, “Lucas’ deceased body must have fallen out of the trapdoor.”

Chapter Text

Link was just walking around the Smash mansion minding his own business when he spotted a group of four swordsmen he couldn’t recognize talking to Marth.

“Who are these guys?” the blond asked his friend, “They look like they’re the most generic JRPG protagonists in the world except that they kinda look like they’re also from Dragon Ball.”

“Yeah, about that… Remember that time we had a one-night stand because I got pissed off at Roy for cheating on me with Ike and having Chrom?”

“God… Please don’t tell me they’re our kids.”

“Oh, well… In that case, I won’t.”

“Hi, dad!” the swordsman with brown hair greeted Link, “Mom was telling us everything about you!”


 

“Why the Hell am I having such a fucked up dream?!” the duck from Duck Hunt screamed as he woke up.

“Dude, are you okay?” the dog from Duck Hunt asked his friend.

“I… I just have a feeling that our lives are about to change.”

The dog hoped the duck meant that he’d finally be able to get Isabelle to like him. Despite being best friends, the duck and the dog never actually understood each other.

This is so sad… Alexa, play Despacito.


 

Later that day, Master Hand called the original twelve fighters for an important meeting concerning newcomers. As always, it was easier said than done.

“Can someone explain to me why Fox, Jigglypuff, Yoshi, Pikachu and Captain Falcon refuse to come?” the angry hand asked the fighters that had actually gone to the meeting.

“They’re watching Smash Summit,” Samus replied, “It’s impossible to get them to leave.”

“Can this meeting finish?” Kirby yawned, “I wanna go watch Summit instead.”

Master Hand was definitely not letting anyone leave. He needed five more fighters, so he randomly chose five that weren’t from Melee.


 

Master Hand and the ones who had gone to the meeting were waiting for the five invited fighters to arrive at the front door.

Toon Link was the first to arrive and appeared to be extremely pissed off. He had been planning on replacing the popcorn packets with peanuts and his plan got ruined. Life just never went his way.

The second fighter to make it to the front door was Cloud who made no effort to hide his irritation. He had been watching a presentation about the Final Fantasy VII remake and had been interrupted at the best part.

The third person was actually a robot. Mega Man naturally felt no emotion when he was called by Master Hand and appeared to be fine on the outside. No one actually knew what was going on in the inside and nobody wanted to know.

Last and not least, the duck hunt duo made their arrival. They weren’t doing shit so they were happy to finally have something to do.

“All right, here is the plan,” Master Hand announced, “Toon Link, you’ll act as moral support when they see Cloud. We don’t want the newcomers feeling upset about their not up to standard looks.”

“Wait, are you calling me ugly?” Toon Link glared, “I’ll have you know I-”

“I don’t know if they speak English, so Cloud has to talk to them. Mega Man, you act all excited. Duck Hunt, you two just do something.”

The air was filled with frustration and the entrance was completely silent until there was a knock on the door. Master Hand quickly opened the door to reveal four anime swordsmen who weren’t as hot as the other anime swordsmen.

“Jesus Christ, my dream wasn’t a dream!” the duck gasped, “I can’t ever look at them, Link or Marth the same way ever again.”

“Just what kind of dream did you have?” the dog asked.

“Oh, wow…” Toon Link gasped, “Now I get why they need moral support. They look like they belong in Dragon Ball.”

“Yay, I’m so excited!” Mega Man said with no emotion, “I can’t wait to meet them!”

“That’s robot for excited.”

“Okaerinasai,” Cloud greeted with the most annoyed-looking face only to be met with confused stares, “Um… Welcome home.”

“Oh, thanks!” the brown-haired swordsman smiled, “I’m Luminary. The one that looks like Goku is Erdrick, the one in green is Solo and the one with a mouse is Eight.”

“Great, great!” Master Hand said, “Now I want each of you to hang out so that you get to know each other and this mansion.”


 

The Duck Hunt duo had been forced to hang out with Erdrick, or as they liked to call him, Discount Goku. They had shown him all the rooms in the mansion except for one, the living room.

The living room was currently being used by the group of fighters obsessed with Smash Summit. This meant that the noise levels were beyond what was tolerable for normal people. But the Duck Hunt duo were not going to let that room remain unvisited and those fighters unintroduced. The dog slammed the door open to announce his presence but all eyes remained glued to the TV screen.

“Ugh,” the dog groaned, “I guess I’ll have to introduce them later. It’s impossible to- Wait… What are they doing here?”

The dog had noticed that the three other newcomers and their guides were just sitting there and watching Smash Summit. They seemed really into it too.

“Jesus Christ, I think we’ve been missing out on something. What do you think the big deal with Summit is, duck? Duck? Erdrick, where’s the duck?”

The black-haired swordsman pointed at the duck who was staring intensely at some of the fighters as though something was wrong with them.

“Are you okay, dude?” Erdrick asked as he poked the duck.

“Yes… In fact, I am relieved. It seems my dream didn’t really come true after all.”

“What dream? Was it a bad dream?”

“It-”

“Yes!!!” Pikachu popped off interrupting the duck’s sentence, “I told you! I told you a Pikachu main would win a major one day!”

“You know guys,” Jigglypuff started, “I don’t think anyone can complain about this. I’m so happy and proud that I just want to cry.”

“This is the best timeline,” Fox smiled as he totally did not cry.

Everyone started clapping, crying and cheering for Pikachu. Except for the duck who was annoyed that his sentence had been interrupted.

However, in the middle of the cheers, Master Hand made an announcement.

“Everyone to the entrance. We have a surprise.”

 

Every single fighter made it to the entrance for once. No one knew what was coming. No one could have predicted it.

“I would like to introduce some extra newcomers,” Master Hand told the fighters, “Please welcome, Banjo and Kazooie!”

“They’re in!” Pikachu screamed, “This is the best day ever!”

“I’ve been waiting forever for this day!” Falco cheered, “Welcome home, Banjo!”

“Banjo’s here!” Nana squealed, “He’s finally here!”

All you could hear was “Banjo” and more “Banjo” and more “Banjo”. The poor bear was completely overwhelmed by the love and support he was receiving from his soon to be family.

But the duck from Duck Hunt noticed something. No one was mentioning Kazooie, she was being completely ignored and she seemed quite down because of it. He knew how it felt to be ignored by everyone. People only cared about the dog in Duck Hunt despite him not being in the title. So, the duck decided to introduce himself.

“Hi, Kazooie,” the duck greeted, “Welcome home. I’m the duck from Duck Hunt.”

Kazooie’s face immediately lit up as she was showered by the duck’s attention and she quickly struck a conversation with him. While everyone else was busy speaking and fangirling over Banjo, the two birds were forming a new friendship.

“I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who could understand what I’m always going through,” Kazooie chirped, “I really look forward to hanging out with you!”

“S-same here!”

Kazooie had to leave to get a tour of the mansion. The duck was disappointed he couldn’t be Kazooie’s guide, he really wanted to know more about her. He finally had a bird friend who wasn’t a dick like Falco.

“You think we’ll get to hang out with them?” the duck asked the dog.

“We live in the same house. It would be weird if we didn’t.”

“I hope Kazooie’s in a room near ours.”

“Wait… Do you have a crush on her?”

“We just met. I’m just interested in having a friend who knows what life as a bird is like.”

The dog was not convinced at all. The duck was definitely in love. He would have helped his best friend but he needed to work on a plan to get Isabelle to like him. Thus the duck had to work by himself if he wanted Kazooie’s love.

Chapter Text

It was Summer, also known as Nana’s least favorite season of the year. It was way too hot and it was not even July.

Nana was sitting in front of the air conditioning machine trying to find ideas of something fun to do. Summer really limited the number of activities she could do and she did not want to go to the pool. She still had PTSD from the slide, not that she’d tell anyone.

“Nana, I’ve got an amazing idea!” Popo yelled as he ran towards his best friend full of excitement, “So, I was watching Miraculous Ladybug and I thought we should buy an ice cream truck.”

“That’s the stupidest idea ever and I don’t see what it has to do with Miraculous Ladybug,” Nana replied, her voice full of frustration, before changing her tone, “But, let’s do it.”


 

The Ice Climbers had managed to buy an ice cream truck by getting Yoshi to forge some fake IDs in exchange for some free ice cream. They drove the ice cream truck to the local supermarket to buy all the ice cream they needed.

“So, I’ve made a list of the amount we need,” Popo told Nana as he read an extremely long list he had written along the way, “We’re going to need a lot of blue ice cream since blue is the most common eye color at the mansion.”

“Wait, what does that have to do with anything?” Nana asked while she filled up a shopping cart with vanilla ice cream.

“In the episode of Miraculous Ladybug I saw, this guy was giving people ice cream based on who they liked. So the colors of the scoops matched the character’s crushes features.”

“We can totally use that to our advantage! We’ll be able to make a huge profit and we’ll be able to troll our enemies!”

“Yay!”

The two kids filled their cart up with all the ice cream they could take and paid. They filled up their truck and then decorated it at the mansion to prepare it for its first official run.


 

“I’ve made a list of everyone and who they like,” Popo informed Nana, “But some people don’t like anyone and I don’t know who everyone likes. What should we do about them?”

“We’ll have them pay extra and if someone doesn’t like their flavors, they can pay extra too!”

The two kids were really looking forward to selling ice cream. They couldn’t wait to see the reactions of all the smashers’. The first customer was Mario.

“Your-a sign says that you-a base the ice-a creams on who we-a like,” the Italian plumber told the kids, “Can I have a vanilla and strawberry ice cream?”

“Of course, Mario!” Nana smiled as she prepared the ice cream.

The plumber paid and left feeling satisfied with his purchase. The Ice Climbers felt relieved as their first customer was a success. Their next costumers were Bowser, Ganondorf and King Dedede.

“Popo, one strawberry and vanilla ice cream for Bowser.”

“Those are Peach’s colors!” the koopa king said with excitement as his friends rolled his eyes.

“Popo, charge Ganondorf extra for whatever ice cream he wants.”

“Excuse me?” the Gerudo king snapped, “I will have you know that I am the king of darkness and the number one employee of the Apple store.”

“If you want us to stay friends, you’ll pay extra!” Nana yelled at Ganondorf surprisingly shutting him up, “Popo, get Dedede a scoop of everything.”

“Wait, he’s not paying extra?”

“No, because he’s in love with food.”

“Damn right!” Dedede smiled with pride.

Bowser and Dedede were extremely happy with their purchase whereas Ganondorf refused to admit he actually like the ice cream despite having had to pay extra for hating everyone.

Popo and Nana had been doing a great job selling ice creams and the line to their ice cream truck kept getting longer and longer while the piles of cash kept getting bigger and bigger.

The two children happily greeted their next pair of costumers until they noticed who they were. Popo and Nana didn’t have anything against them. But they were hated by Marth because he had gotten caught too many times in grabs leading to wobbling back in Melee and Roy found them to be annoying because of their ice and their attitude. Even though most of the tension was gone now, the two Ice Climbers still had PTSD from the Melee days.

“Here’s your bubble gum and raspberry ice cream,” Nana said as she gave Marth his ice cream.

Marth would have protested but all he could do was blush and accept the ice cream. Roy, on the other hand, didn’t like the flavors Popo was offering.

“Can’t I have mint instead of vanilla? Vanilla’s boring. But bubble gum doesn’t taste nice, don’t you have cotton candy or smurf ice cream?”

“But we only have green mint ice cream, not blue mint ice cream. You’ll have to-”

“If you don’t give me the ice cream I want, I’ll buy a popsicle from the popsicle stand.”

This shocked Popo, he didn’t know he had rivals. He and Nana were taking way too long to prepare the ice creams that they were losing costumers to a mediocre stand.

“Fine, you can have your stupid mint ice cream.”

Once the swordsmen had paid, Popo and Nana had to discuss their strategy. They could not lose to the popsicle losers. They were going to win and make a lot of money.

So what did they do? They froze the popsicle stand making it impossible to purchase any popsicles. Popo and Nana, unlike the majority of fighters, would deal with their problems by freezing them and since they had Melee privilege, no one would call them out.

“Aw, I wanted a popsicle,” Peach sulked before cheering up, “Oh, well… Guess we’ll have ice cream, Zelda.”

Popo and Nana gave the two princesses their ice creams. Zelda looked incredibly confused as she read the panel and stared at her friend’s ice cream which just happened to be the exact same.

“Oh, we have the same ice cream!” Peach squeed full of joy, “We must be soulmates!”

“Of course,” Zelda replied as she glared at the ice climbers.


 

As the end of the day got near, Popo and Nana were running out of ice cream. Luckily, there was just enough for the two last clients, Ness and Lucas.

“Popo, make a seven scoop rainbow ice cream for Lucas,” Nana ordered, “Ness, you pay extra.”

“Wait a minute,” Ness told the girl, “If Lucas wants two ice creams, can he get two?”

“Um, I suppose he can. Popo, make another rainbow ice cream for Lucas.”

Lucas paid and gave the second ice cream to Ness. It was only when the two were out of sight that the ice climbers noticed they had been tricked.

To make matters even worse, many of their previous costumers had seen the scene and felt ripped off. They stormed the ice cream truck forcing the ice climbers to take refuge in a nearby tree.

The ice climbers laughed as none of the costumers could climb up the tree. They were out of reach. At least, that was the case until Diddy Kong appeared next to them.

The ice climbers were scared shitless. They hugged each other tightly as they shook in fear. They would have never expected what was going to happen next.

“Um, I don’t really care about your ice cream scam,” Diddy admitted to the two kids.

“Oh, thank goodness,” Nana sighed in relief, “So, what are you doing here?”

“I just want to know what your relationship is. I’m really confused. Are you to siblings, fucking, both or platonic life partners?”

Popo and Nana had no idea what to reply.

Chapter Text

Falco was sick and tired of his roommates. Fox always went on and on about how Melee was the best tournament ever and while Falco completely agreed, he didn’t need a reminder every five minutes. Wolf was annoying and would not stop talking about Isabelle and how perfect she was, Falco didn’t really get the hype around Isabelle, she was just a secretary who was stuck in bottom or maybe mid tier.

Falco was much too cool for them. He wished he could get new roommates but Master Hand was always an annoying bitch when it came to roommates. The hand saw no reason to separate Fox from Falco when the two had been roommates ever since Falco joined the mansion. The hand also thought Wolf would be a perfect addition now that the amount of fighters living in the mansion had made it so that three fighters had to share a room.

Falco really couldn’t take Fox and Wolf anymore. They were a pain in the ass and Falco didn’t even have an ass since he was a bird. So, the bluebird decided it was his turn to be the annoying roommate.

Falco would usually prank and annoy Fox quite often but he had always respected him in their room. He didn’t really care about Wolf, he always thought the guy was a dick, but he never bothered him. The two were in for a very big surprise.

 




Wolf had gotten back from a really useless training session the hands had made him take so that he wouldn’t be as good as before. He was exhausted and just wanted to jump straight to bed.

As he walked through his room, he noticed Falco sitting on the floor with a packet of seeds and something really feathery.

“Falco, is that a chicken?”

“He is a rooster,” Falco corrected, “He is my new pet and you will respect him and his right to live here. He will play one hour of Melee every day and he will sleep on your bed on Wednesdays and on Fox’s on Saturdays.”

“Okay.”

“Wait, what do you mean okay?”

“I’m fine with your rooster. What’s his name?”

“Eh… Cock! I can’t think of a name.”

The duo didn’t have time to continue the conversation because Fox had knocked on the door. The idiot had forgotten his keys again. Fox always had a problem, especially when traveling, if he wasn’t the one driving, he’d never reach his destination.

“We need to hide your rooster,” Wolf told Falco, “Foxes eat chickens.”

“Damn it! We really need to name him. You can’t eat something if you name it.”

Falco hid his rooster underneath a blanket and opened the door for Fox. The fox quickly grabbed his keys before leaving the room. Falco sighed in relief. He could not let Fox see his rooster before it was named.

The bluebird thought taking his rooster out on a walk to meet the other fighters would be a good way to find a name. He just had to avoid anyone who knew how to cook, who loved eating and who had a talent for setting things on fire. His rooster was not going to become anyone’s meal.

As he walked through the hallways of the Smash Mansion, Falco chatted with some of his friends who did not fit any of the aforementioned criteria. In the middle of a conversation with Sheik, Falco noticed something wrong.

“No, no, no! Where did my rooster go?”

“He went into the cafeteria,” Sheik pointed.

“Noooo!!!”

Falco dashed as fast as he could to the cafeteria. When he entered, he was horrified. Everyone in the cafeteria fitted the aforementioned criteria. But that wasn’t the worst part. Fox was patting his rooster.

“Hey, there little guy,” Fox smiled as he caressed the chicken’s head, “How did you-“

“Hands off my Cock!” Falco yelled as he grabbed his rooster out of Fox’s arms.

Falco hadn’t noticed how wrong what he had just said sounded. He was much too preoccupied with Cock’s well-being.

Naturally, no one in the cafeteria had any context. Everyone just assumed the same thing they always assumed when two people from Melee had a suggestive conversation.

“So, are you two dating?” Kazooie asked.

“What is it with you Melee guys and keeping everything about your relationships secret?” Chrom wondered.

“First Marth and Roy, now you two…” Bayonetta sighed, “Who’s next?”

“What!?” Fox gasped, “There is nothing going on between Falco and I!”

“That’s what Marth and Roy say all the time and we all know Ike’s just covering for them.”

“But they aren’t dating either!” 

All the attention was now on Falco. Everyone needed him to confirm their suspicions.

“Falco, you have known Fox since before Melee, right?” Jigglypuff asked.

“Yes.”

“And he’s touched your cock?”

“Yes.”

“And you two are dating?”

“Yes. Wait, no! We are not dating! You tricked me! You can’t use the-“

“What’s your first name?”

“I am not European, Puff! And I am definitely not dating Fox!”

Sadly, it was too late. Everyone was convinced that Falco and Fox were secretly dating. This always happened and normally people would forget everything the next day. But Falco had stupidly fallen for Jigglypuff’s trick and now he was never going to live it down.

Falco returned to his room pissed off. All of this was Cock’s fault. But he was going to give Cock a chance to redeem himself.

Cock better annoy the fuck out of Fox if he does not want to end up in someone’s plate.

Chapter Text

Kirby and Joker were having a very important talk. They needed to convince their mothers to let them go to Area 51. All their friends were going and they didn’t want to be left out.

Kirby slammed his moms’ door open only to close it immediately realizing he had made a big mistake. Joker asked him what was wrong but Kirby refused to comment.

“Well, what do we do know?” Joker asked.

“We go anyways, fuck our moms, they suck.”


 

Joker and Kirby used their mothers’ credit card to buy themselves plane tickets to Nevada. They were completely prepared for the raid. They had everything anyone would need to raid a highly protected area.

“How long is this stupid plane ride?” Kirby complained after reading the safety instructions for the sixty-ninth time, “Hey, Ren! Take off your headphones and listen to me!”

“Sorry, you were saying something?”

“Forget it, I’m gonna go talk with someone who cares.”

The pink ball got off his seat and walked around the plane hoping to find people to talk to. He was sure all the people who were cool were in First Class since they had booked their tickets in advance, so he went to the front of the plane.

Kirby was surprised at how nice it was. It looked like a completely different plane. First Class was so much better than Economy Class. It had double beds that could be folded into really nice seats, there were curtains so that people wouldn’t be bothered and the TVs were huge and HD. You could even connect your Switch to it!

Kirby looked in awe as he saw some people receive delicious food. First Class truly was something. He needed to find cool people and bribe them to let him stay with them until landing.

The first people he visited were Daisy and Luigi who were fast asleep. The second couple he visited were being really loud so Kirby told them to keep it down because everyone could hear everything. The next bed was empty save for some bags. The next bed was the location of the most intense game of Smash Kirby had seen between five guys was being played. The next bed had Zelda complaining to Peach about Link ditching her to play Smash with the guys.

Finally, Kirby arrived at the last bed where Mario was sitting all alone clearly not having any fun. Kirby knew this was his shot at getting to enjoy First Class.

“Are you ready for the raid?” Kirby asked the plumber.

“It doesn’t-a matter to me anymore. Peach-a ditched me for-a Zelda. All because-a Link-a ditched-a Zelda for his-a friends.”

“So, why don’t you do the same? Ditch Peach and go hang out with Link and his friends. Peach will get jealous and will totally fall for you!”

“Kirby, you’re a genius!”

Kirby smirked and said he knew that before leading Mario towards Peach and Zelda’s bed. Kirby interrupted the girls’ girl talk by casually mentioning that Link wanted to break up with Zelda.

“He wants to what!?” the princess of Hyrule shouted in shock, “You can’t be serious.”

“Now we have your attention,” Kirby sighed, “Mario and I are going to go play Smash with the guys.”

The two guys left leaving the princesses speechless.

“You know, it’s kinda cute how close all the guys are,” Peach smiled.

“Do you think Kirby was telling the truth?”

“Of course! N-not! Why would Link want to break up with you?”

 

Kirby and Mario had finally made it to the bed where the guys were playing Smash. They had just finished a game and were fine with the two joining them.

“We should-a play-a quadruples,” Mario suggested, “We could-a make it based around-a themes like… Um, weebs vs non-weebs?”

“I’ll go get Ren, Marth go get Cloud,” Kirby ordered.

 

Five minutes and many motion sickness pills later, everyone was on the bed. It was becoming really crowded. Mario had to stand on the bed all the way to the back of the bed while his feet were being squished by Ike’s pillow. Fitting eight guys on a double bed was harder than it seemed but they managed to work it out.

Now all that was left was for Kirby to find a head to sit on. He chose Link’s because it was the most comfortable head he could sit on without getting himself killed.

“Wait, we’re-a nine, someone has to sit this game-a out,” Mario noticed, “Team weebs has only four members, so it will be us team non-weebs who-”

“Thank you for volunteering, Mario,” Kirby smirked, “You’ll be the referee for this round.”

Needless to say, the first few games were one-sided massacres but everyone was still having fun. Team non-weebs kept swapping players in the hopes that team weebs would run out of stamina. Luckily, team non-weebs greatest asset was about to make its appearance.

“Guys, Zelda’s getting-” Peach said full of worry before noticing the Switch, “Ooh, can I play with you guys?”

Mario gave his controller to Peach and suddenly the games were becoming closer and closer until team non-weebs finally won their first game. Link, Pit, Ike, Mario, Kirby and Peach all fist-bumped each other and cheered so loud that they accidentally attracted Zelda’s attention.

“First Link, now Peach!” the angry princess yelled, “What do these guys have that I don’t?”

“They have dicks,” Link replied not caring about the consequences.

“He does have a point,” Peach agreed.

The fight couldn’t start because it was almost time to land. Everyone returned to their seats and were excited to arrive in Nevada.


 

The next day, everyone, including a shit ton of idiots, made their way to Area 51. Kirby and Joker ran towards the base but they were stopped by an officer. They were ready to fight when someone unexpected called them.

“Joker, Kirby, what are you two doing here?” a very angry Bayonetta asked.

“Um, we’re working on a school project!” Kirby lied.

“But you don’t go to school.”

“Uh, it’s a Japanese project,” Joker replied, “Cloud, Marth and Roy said I should do a project on Area 51 to improve my Japanese since Mewtwo brainwashed me into forgetting Japanese.”

“Oh, how nice of them. Mr. Officer, I will be taking my sons on a tour around Area 51.”

“Best Mum ever!” Kirby cheered.


 

“WWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Kirby sobbed as his mother held his hand and carried him to the airport, “I wanted my own alien!”

“I’m sorry, Kirby, there’s nothing we could have done,” Bayonetta comforted him, “We didn’t know they moved everything to Area 69 for the day.”

“WWWWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“At least, you had lots of fun with your friends on the plane.”

“Fuck my friends! WWWWWAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Chapter Text

“Won’t lie, you’re the last person I expected to see here,” Ganondorf admitted as he stared at the short blond in front of him, “You must be in quite the pickle if you’re asking me for help.”

“I have no other choice,” Link sighed, “I’ve tried everything and I always fail.”

“Not surprised. What do you need help with anyways?”

“Help me break up with Zelda.”

“You truly are desperate.”


Ganondorf had gathered Link and his friends to the training room. No one was quite sure why they had to be there but Link had told them it would be fun.

Ganondorf entered the room holding a huge radio and a bag full of CDs and accessories. He set everything up and soon, the training room looked more like a stage.

“I am training you guys for karaoke,” Ganondorf announced, “You five will be singing some Kpop songs about breakups with Link as the center. Any objections?”

“I can’t read!” Pit reminded Ganondorf.

“And I can’t dance, like at all,” Roy admitted, “Dancing doesn’t run on mom’s side of the family.”

“I don’t like karaoke,” Ike said, “I’ve never even sung before.”

“Can I be G-Dragon?” Marth asked.

Ganondorf facepalmed so hard he almost had to go to the doctor. He was not ready to work with the group of idiotic friends. When they were all separated, the five friends were actually quite competent, but having them all in one room reduced their collective IQ to 0.

But there was no time for the Gerudo king to worry about his own feelings. He had to get the job done, nothing was more important than his reputation as the most valuable employee of the Apple store.

After a week of training, the boys were ready. But they still had to choose a song and that was probably the hardest part of the whole plan. They needed a song that was quite clear on the message Link wanted to convey.

Ganondorf had prepared a list of songs but clearly, none of the boys besides Link really cared about the list. They all wanted to sing their favorite songs instead and those songs happened to be the complete opposite of the concept Ganondorf and Link wanted.

“No, Marth, we can’t sing Bang Bang Bang,” Roy argued, “Fantastic Baby is clearly the superior BigBang song.”

“That’s not true and you know it!” Marth snapped, “Bang Bang Bang is way better, plus it fits with our breakup concept. If the only word Zelda understands is bang, she’ll think that Link’s shooting her.”

“But according to your line distributions, we’re the only ones saying bang bang bang. She won’t think Link’s the one shooting her.”

“She’ll think that you two should go bang bang bang in your room,” Ike smirked, “We should sing As if it’s your last.”

“I want to sing Gangnam Style!” Pit smiled.

Ganondorf sighed and looked at Link for answers. The Hylian said he’d go ask Zelda what music she liked so that he could choose the exact opposite.


 

Zelda was walking around the Smash Mansion’s garden when Link ran up to her. Link never ran up to her, so she knew he had something important to say.

“Zelda, what’s your favorite Kpop group?”

Zelda was shocked. Link never asked her questions. Was he finally trying to be a decent boyfriend?

“Um, I only really like EXO and Red Velvet.”

“BigBang and Blackpink it is.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Do you want to go to the karaoke tonight?”

“Karaoke?”

“It will be fun, trust me.”

Zelda naturally accepted. She didn’t know why Link chose the karaoke but he always chose weird places for their dates. She was excited Link was the one asking her on a date for once. But she couldn’t help but think something was wrong.


It was the night of the karaoke. Ganondorf had gathered the boys for one last training session. While the three Fire Emblem lords had a boring fight about what the microphones’ colors should be, Link asked Pit for a request.

“Pit, I need you to act as cute as possible so that you can seduce Zelda,” Link told the angel, “That way, she’ll move over really quickly after our breakup and she won’t be sad about it.”

“But I don’t want to date Zelda,” Pit complained.

“Yeah, I don’t blame you.”

“All of you shut up and listen to my advice!” Ganondorf yelled, “Link, you need to make sure all the random stranger girls fall for you so that Zelda gets even more pissed off. It would be even better if you fell for one so that you’d finally have the motivation to break up with her. Or fall for one of your friends, I don’t care. Just fucking break up with her already, I have a reputation to uphold.”


Zelda had chosen her coolest dress in the hopes of impressing Link. Had she really been serious about impressing him, she would have changed her hair.

As she entered the karaoke, she noticed Link and his four friends. Zelda wanted to groan very loudly. Link was obsessed with his friends, it was like he was more in love with them, than he was with her. If he liked one of them, why didn’t he just break up with her?

Zelda wanted to yell at him but she quickly remembered Link had never specified it was a date and sighed with relief. Still, she hoped that if Link really did leave her, it wasn’t for one of his friends. She politely greeted Link and his friends and they all prepared to take the stage.

“I want to dedicate these songs to Zelda,” Link spoke into the microphone.

Zelda was really happy her boyfriend was singing something for her, he had even gotten his friends to help. Except that he’d chosen to sing a song she didn’t like. She assumed he was saving the best for last since he was going to sing multiple songs.

But she didn’t like any of the songs they were singing. She didn’t care that their dancing and singing were almost inexistent, she just wanted to hear songs she liked. Meanwhile, the crowd appeared to be really into the performance.

Zelda got herself a glass of water and sighed as she watched the performance. There was no coordination at all. Marth and Roy were getting significantly more lines than the others because they chose to song Japanese versions of the songs, Link was getting all the English parts and Ike was doing random adlibs. Poor Pit didn’t even have his microphone on.

Zelda felt so bad for the angel. He was clearly putting everything into the performance but since he couldn’t read, he wasn’t allowed to shine. Yet despite this, he stood out to her because of how cute he was.

“What am I thinking?” Zelda said out loud, “I’ve already been through this.”

Zelda was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice the pattern in the song choice. Ganondorf realized Zelda wasn’t paying attention, so he told Link to start plan B.

“Zelda, this song describes what I feel towards you,” Link said.

“Please fuck me, Link!” some random girl in the crowd shouted.

“I’m so sick of this fake love! Fake love!”

Link was screaming at the top of his lungs but Zelda somehow managed to assume that he was being sarcastic and giggled thinking it was a joke. Zelda, why?

It was break time and Ganondorf gathered all the boys in the men's room. Link and Zelda were going to break up or his name wouldn’t be Ganondorf, the Apple Store’s best employee anymore.

“Guys, sing the most disorganized mess you can think of. I’ll play all your songs at the same time.”

Everyone seemed pretty happy with his suggestion. They changed into the outfits they actually wanted to wear and rushed back to the stage.

“Zelda listen carefully,” Link said as the start of Zelda’s favorite song ever started to play.

Now Zelda’s attention was on the stage. She couldn’t wait for Link to start singing. But before she knew it, the song stopped and five songs played at the exact same time. No one was even singing the same song, they were all in their little bubbles and somehow still managing to hype up the crowd.

Zelda was pissed off. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. She hated being pranked. But she hated when her favorite artists were insulted. She went up the stage to confront her boyfriend.

“What was that?” the angry girlfriend yelled, “How could you insult my favorite song like that?”

“After all of this, you couldn’t even figure out what I’ve been trying to tell you?” a clearly annoyed Link asked.

“Oh, I’ve figured it all out. You hate my favorite music. Link, we’re over!”

“Wait… Are you serious? Are we finally breaking up?”

“Yes, you never truly loved me. You just wanted to bang all your friends.”

“Eh, close enough.”

“Oh, wow...” Marth blushed, “I never knew Link felt that way about us.”

“Now that that’s settled,” Ike started, “We just need Roy to take Marth to his room and bang bang bang his brains out so-.”

“W-what!?”

“Great idea, let’s go sing Bang Bang Bang in our room,” Roy interrupted.


The boys returned to Marth, Roy and Ike’s room to celebrate Link’s breakup. While Marth and Roy sang BigBang songs, the others talked about the day’s events.

“I can’t believe I’m finally single again!” Link sighed in relief, “And she was the one to break up with me, so she won’t feel depressed for a month.”

“Why did you even date her if you didn’t love her?” Pit asked.

“Her eyebrows were better than my Zelda’s eyebrows. I just had to say yes when she asked me out.”

“I can’t believe you dated her for a petty reason and she broke up with you for a petty reason,” Ike facepalmed.


Meanwhile, Ganondorf was sitting on his desk laughing his ass off as he counted all the money he had gotten. He was the best Apple store employee the store could ever dream of. He would have accepted a promotion, but he wouldn’t get paid as much.

The King of Darkness laughed the entire night much to his roommates’ dismay.

Chapter Text

R.O.B.’s life had been going through many changes lately. It had gotten married to its beautiful wife, Marth’s iPhone. They had been living a happily wed life but something was missing. The one thing that most married couples strive for, kids.

The robot did not want to disappoint its wife when it came to child-raising. It wanted to be prepared for the most troublesome kids imaginable. But it didn’t have much money.

The robot was a decent fighter but there were many fighters that were way more talented than it. R.O.B. didn’t have the money to pay for anything a child needed. Heck, it didn’t have the money to adopt one.

It would take so much time to raise enough money with the results it was having in tournaments. The poor robot had no way to become a top tier fighter in the blink of an eye. Even if by some miracle it did become top tier, it would still lack any knowledge of child-raising.

R.O.B. decided it needed advice. It could not give up, it needed to make its wife happy. The robot went around the Smash Mansion asking fighters for advice. After consulting all the parents in Smash, it came to the conclusion that a part-time job as a babysitter would help it gain money and learn how to raise a child.


If R.O.B. had been programmed to feel excitement, it would be feeling it right now. It was time for its first job as a babysitter.

The robot knocked on the door eager for it to be opened. It could hear footsteps of someone running and the door was quickly opened. The robot was met with a huge smile for one second before it turned into a frown.

“Dad, R.O.B. knocked,” Roy Koopa stomped his way back to the sofa.

“Oh, just in time!” Bowser smiled as he let the robot into the Koopalings’ apartment, “The children are all waiting.”

The robot followed Bowser into the living room. The apartment was quite spacious and nicely decorated. There were photos of all the Koopalings on the wall alongside badly illustrated drawings. R.O.B. couldn’t help but imagined what its living room would look when it had kids.

“Kids, R.O.B. is here,” Bowser announced to his children, “He’ll be babysitting you.”

“But he’s a robot,” Wendy protested, “How can he play fashionista with me?”

“Aw, Roy had me all hyped up for nothing,” Bowser Jr. pouted, “He made us all think big Roy would babysit us.”

“Wait, Roy’s not babysitting?” Roy yelled in shock as he made his way towards the door, “That’s it, I’m leaving!”

“I’m sure you’ll all have lots of fun,” Bowser reassured his kids, “If any of you leave or misbehave, you’ll all be punished. Have fun!”

Once Boswer left, R.O.B. knew it had a lot of pressure on it. The most likely scenario would be for the koopalings to misbehave. R.O.B. could sense that they didn’t like it, it needed to gain their trust and respect if it wanted to avoid having problems with Bowser later on.


“No!” Wendy yelled, “You can’t walk like that Iggy! You’re ruining my fashion show!”

“That’s not true!”

R.O.B. had no idea what to do. How did you stop two kids from fighting? It’s actually quite easy.

“So, we’ll be allowed to play on iPads all night?” Iggy asked.

R.O.B. nodded which made the two koopalings grin. They had always wanted to stay awake all night and now they could. Babysitters were awesome.


Lemmy, Larry and Morton wanted to do nothing but eat chips. Naturally, R.O.B., being a robot, had absolutely no knowledge of the fact that chips weren’t exactly healthy. He took all the koopalings to town to buy them whatever they wanted.

R.O.B. had spent way too much money on the eight mischievous kids. He needed to make sure Bowser paid him a lot.

“We need more chips!” Larry told the robot, “It’s unhealthy for kids to not eat chips.”

“Yeah!” Lemmy smiled, “We read it on a YouTube comment so it must be true.”

“These with lots of sugar and fat will do!” Morton grinned, “They’re the healthiest!”

Kirby and Joker just happened to be walking by with Palutena and got really excited.

“Mom?” Joker asked as he made puppy eyes, “Can we have some chips?”

“No. We have chips at home.”

“They’re apple chips!”

“Healthy and delicious.”

“Fuck you!” Kirby pouted, “Bayo’s a better mother than you. At least, she’s willing to try to get me whatever I want.”

"Actually, I know a place with the most healthy chips in the world," Joker lied.

"You do?" Palutena asked full of interest.

"Yeah! Just follow me, I know the area."


 

R.O.B. took the koopalings back to the mansion where most of them were satisfied with eating chips and playing on their iPads all day. However, Roy, Ludvig and Bowser Jr. had other plans.

“Playing on iPads is so boring,” Ludvig snickered, “Let’s sneak out!”

The three brothers quietly exited their apartment and ran all around the mansion causing chaos. They were running into people and pranking everyone. They were about to prank the inklings when Roy saw his idol, lord and savior, big Roy speaking to some loser called Ike.

The pink koopa ran towards him but by the time he reached them, big Roy had left after yelling and throwing a box on Ike. Little Roy picked it up and looked at it.

He saw a small letter written on it. He couldn’t read most of it because Ike’s handwriting was crap but he could make out a bit.

“To our boy, Roy,” Roy read out loud, “Something, something. I hope you like this gift, you’ve earned it! Remember to be careful.”

“Roy, why did you run off?” Ludvig asked, “What’s that?”

“I think it’s a present for me from Ike. Roy must have gotten angry at Ike for giving it to him instead of me!”

Roy opened the box and found things in it. He didn’t know what those things were. Neither did Ludvig but they both had an amazing idea. Bowser Jr. wasn’t sure why his brothers were looking at him with such intensity. It was like they were trying to prank him.


 

“R.O.B.!” Bowser Jr. yelled, “I need your help!”

R.O.B. rushed to the koopaling not knowing what to expect. The robot was surprised to see him stuck in what appeared to be a weird type of balloon. R.O.B. started overheating as it couldn’t handle another situation of not knowing what to do.

“Hi, I’m back!” Bowser greeted full of joy before seeing the scene unfolding in front of him, “Why’s my son stuck in a… Um… Balloon?”

“It was Ike!” Roy spoke up as he showed the box and letter he had taken earlier, “He got this gift for me.”

“Um… Yeah… I think I’m going to leave for the night. I’ll pay you extra, R.O.B.”

R.O.B. was so overjoyed that it had done a seemingly good job that it started overheating once again. It was going to be a great parent. Now it just needed Marth’s iPhone’s parents’ blessings.

Chapter Text

Roy was hesitating between two wrapping papers. The first one was a sappy white paper with red hearts and the second one was blue and gold which reminded him of the prince he was deeply in love with. He ultimately chose the second one because he was sure everyone would start rumors if they saw him walking around with a present wrapped in hearts.

He set the wrapping paper on his desk and took out a box of chocolate and a card he had hidden in his closet. He had spent hours choosing the right chocolates and days drafting what he would write on the card. He needed to make sure it was impossible to misinterpret anything.

The redhead was in the middle of wrapping the box when he heard a voice asking him what he was doing. He turned around to face Marth who was really curious about the box Roy was desperately trying to hide. Roy had been so focused on the box that he didn’t notice the prince taking the defenseless card lying on the table.

“I’ve had these feelings for you since-” Marth read out loud before Roy snatched the card out of his hands, “Who’s this for?”

“Um, it’s from my dad to my mom,” Roy lied, “He’s telling her that he misses her and wants her to visit him in Pherae.”

“So, why do you have it?”

“Dad, wanted me to give her chocolates. It’s totally normal in the plains to get your kid to give your present to your spouse. She loves her homeland so dad likes honoring their traditions.”

“Can I see?”

“No, it’s embarrassing!”

Roy’s protests weren’t stopping Marth from trying to figure out what was being hidden. The prince tried grabbing the partially wrapped box but his grabbing range wasn’t that good anymore. Roy lifted the box in the air where the shorter swordsman had no way of reaching it. Sadly, he hadn’t taken into account that Marth could see the box from where he was.

“Those are some nice chocolates. What’s wrong with me seeing them?”

“I told you it’s embarrassing!” Roy blushed, “I don’t want you seeing it.”

The redhead regretted his lie as he noticed that his crush was visibly hurt by it. He tried coming up with a way to assure Marth that he didn’t really mean it but the prince told him it was fine. The two awkwardly sat in silence until Marth broke it.

“Hey, Roy, do you like someone? That box is for who you like, right?”

“Um… It’s...”

“You told me I was your best friend. Why can’t you tell me? Are you in love with someone I hate? Or is it someone who hates me?”

“No, that’s not it. I-I’ll tell you when I deliver it. If I forget, you can punch me or something.”


Roy spent the rest of the day trying to avoid Marth. He wasn’t doing a very good job since the blue-haired prince kept following him. Roy couldn’t blame him, he knew Marth liked him and would probably want to know who Roy liked. It was endearing in a way, Marth had no idea he was jealous of himself.

Roy walked around the mansion at least four times before giving up. He could already hear rumors spreading about him and he didn’t want anything to do with them. He grabbed Marth by the hand and took him outside to the garden which happened to be devoid of any fighters. There was nothing that could get in the two swordsmen’s way.

“Marth, do you want to tell me something?” Roy asked as he looked at the man of his dreams, “You’ve been following me all day. You don’t need to be afraid.”

“I’m...” the prince blushed as he avoided eye contact, “I’m in… I’m… I’m in desperate need of some Japanese lessons! Cloud told me my Japanese has gotten worse lately. We should start speaking Japanese together again.”

Roy knew that was a lie. He didn’t call Marth out on it as he could tell he looked distressed. Instead, he took Marth by the hand and led him to a bench where they both sat down without saying a word.

“Roy, I know you probably don’t want me to, but can I look at the card you wrote?”

“No… I should just tell you myself what’s in it.”

Roy threw the card in a nearby trash can and moved closer to Marth. He wrapped his arms around the prince and let him rest his head on his shoulder. The two enjoyed each other’s company and the warmth radiated by their embrace.

“I guess I should start by apologizing to you,” Roy smiled nervously as his face heated up, “I’ve been ignoring your feelings for way too long and I’ve hurt you.”

“That’s an understatement,” Marth frowned as he pushed the redhead away, “It’s not like apologizing will change what’s already happened...”

“Marth, please let me finish! You never let me!”

“What? I let you finish, you just choose not to. You never go through with anything when I’m involved! That or you just leave me behind.”

“I-”

“Forget it, it’s not like you really care about how I feel anyway. I hate that about you.”

“Of course, I care about you! I care about how you feel. Why would I apologize for hurting you if I didn’t? I want you to be happy.”

“Roy, if you hate me, just tell me. I don’t want to be hurt by you even more. Once was more than enough.”

“Ugh, why can’t I ever get through to you? You’re so stubborn, it’s like you want me to hate you. That may end up happening if you carry on like this.”

“Gee, I’m sorry for not wanting to be hurt again by an idiot like you. But, I don’t even know what you think of me. You know how I’m in love with you. So, why can’t you-”

Marth’s response was interrupted as Roy pulled him in for a kiss. As the redhead deepened the kiss, Marth closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Roy’s neck. He wished the moment could last forever but before he knew it, Roy had broken the kiss.

“M-Marth, I-I love you!” the redhead stuttered as his face turned the same color as his hair, “Ever since Melee, I’ve been in love with you. W-will you go out with me?”

“W-what!?” Marth asked as he covered his face to hide his blush, “Y-you’re joking, right? I’m just imagining things I want to hear. You don’t actually want to go out with me.”

“Life would probably be easier if that were the case… But I wouldn’t want it to be that way.”

“Same here,” Marth grinned before giving Roy a quick peck on the lips, “I love you too.”

“Um… I know you didn’t ask for this,” Roy blushed as he shoved the neglected box of chocolates into the prince’s arms avoiding all eye contact, “But this is for you.”

“Thanks,” Marth smiled as he saw the badly wrapped box he was now holding.

“No complaining about how it will make you fat?” Roy teased before being pushed off the bench.

The newly formed couple laughed and spent the rest of the afternoon eating all the chocolate in the box Roy bought without a care in the world. They just wanted to be together and enjoy each other’s company without being disturbed.


Marth and Roy returned inside the mansion holding hands and catching their fellow fighters’ attention. Most fighters assumed they had finally decided to make their “secret” relationship public. Master Hand was paying Crazy Hand because he lost the bet.

Cloud and Peach were congratulating Marth like normal friends. Meanwhile, Ike was speaking way too enthusiastically to Roy. The dude was having the time of his life. He was really excited to not have to deal with unresolved sexual tensions anymore.

“If you two ever need the room to yourselves, just tell me and I’ll gladly leave, I’ll even leave right now if you want,” the mercenary told Roy as he gave him a gift, “Just don’t forget to use these. Don’t want anything bad happening to you.”

“Ike, what the actual fuck?”

“Hey, no need to thank me. I’m just doing what anyone would do for their favorite boy.”

“I don’t want your condoms!” the redhead blushed as he threw the box of condoms at Ike’s face before grabbing Marth’s hand, “We’re going on a date, Marth.”

“Have fun Marth,” Cloud waved.

“Aw, I wish I had a nice boyfriend too,” Peach smiled.

“Same...”

“What?”

Chapter Text

Joker and Kirby slammed the doors of the shadiest shop in town open and ran to the chips section like two little kids. They were filled with excitement and couldn’t wait to stuff their mouths with way more chips than they needed.

However, Palutena had other plans. She couldn’t let her two sons eat chips from a shady shop she didn’t know. So, she restricted them to one packet each.

As she took a look at the shady shop, Kirby and Joker devised a plan to get as many chips as possible. They would both choose the biggest packets. Their mom couldn’t stop them. When a son wants something from his mom, he gets it. Kirby and Joker were no exceptions.

The biggest packets were about the size of Master Hand. Palutena had no way of arguing with her sons because she had never specified the size of the packets.

The goddess reluctantly paid and dragged her sons out of the store. It was quite difficult to get them out because the packets were way too big that they kept getting stuck in the door.

She took her kids to the park where she told them that if they could not find a way to make the packets enter the mansion, they were not allowed to come back. Naturally, Joker and Kirby weren’t worried at all.


Kirby had quickly finished his bag of chips and had fallen fast asleep. Joker, on the other hand, was having a lot of trouble. It was already the evening and he hadn’t even made it to a quarter of the packet.  He was stuffed, he needed to give them away. He couldn’t let his mother’s money go to waste. He had already tricked her into buying him a huge packet of chips, he couldn’t just throw it all away.

Joker looked at his surroundings in the hopes of finding someone he could give the gigantic bag to. He saw Marth and Roy sitting on a bench and decided to try his luck.

“You two look really close,” Joker noted, “Like way closer than usual. Did you two get together?”

“Yeah,” Roy replied, “Is there something you want, Ren?”

“Um… I guess I should congratulate you two. The only thing I have on me is a gigantic bag of chips, please accept it.”

“No, thanks. They’re your chips, we already had a big meal. Your support is really all we need.”

“Oh, fuck it. I need help getting rid of this bag. Do you know anyone outside of the Smash mansion that would accept it?”

“Maybe you should just own up to your mistake?”

Of course, Roy was going to answer something like that. Ironic considering it took Roy forever to own up to his own mistake but that’s life.

It was midnight and Joker still hadn’t found anyone who wanted his bag of chips. He was half-asleep but he really needed to get rid of the bag. So he did what only an absolute mad lad would do.


When Joker woke up, he realized he wasn’t outside anymore. He appeared to be in a nurse’s office. Had a cute nurse found him and saved him?

“He’s awake!” Dr. Mario gasped.

“Oh, fuck my life,” Joker sighed as he saw a lack of cute nurses, “I feel like I’m gonna die.”

“Language!” Palutena scolded, “You are in a lot of trouble, young man. You’re going to be stuck here for a week.”

“I should have listened to you when you said chips were bad for you.”

“Now? Now you listen?”

Palutena left full of anger. Kirby, who had witnessed the entire scene, jumped onto Joker’s bed to ask him a very important question.

“Why didn’t you just give me all your chips?”

“Because I’m a dumbass.”

Chapter Text

“Oh… I might just kiss you.”

“Cut!” Nana yelled, “Toon Link, you are a terrible actor!”

“Fuck you!”

“You guys really don’t need to help me with this,” Mega Man sighed, “I don’t think this is what I’m supposed to do anyway.”

Every tournament, Crazy Hand chose someone to do a sex-ed class for all the newcomers. His choices were always questionable, he’d never choose someone qualified. He insisted it was all random because no one wanted to speak about the topic especially in front of kids.

This year Mega Man had been chosen to explain the birds and the bees to the newcomers. He had asked his friends to help him make a video to explain the topic but no one really knew what they were doing.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lucas told the robot, “You can’t be worse than last time where Marth presented it in Japanese.”

“I’m sure he did an amazing job even if it was all in Japanese. His powerpoint was full of pictures I’m guessing are accurate. I wish I could have understood it, Roy and Cloud really seemed to like it, they participated a lot.”

“The old Link said that Roy told Ike who told Pit who told Palutena who told old Zelda who told him that Marth was just making jokes the whole time,” Toon Link laughed, “You should do the same. When I had to go to that class, Bowser did the presentation and showed weird drawings he made of Peach.”

“And when I had to go, Kirby talked about nothing but food!” Nana remembered, “I think Mega Man’s got a pretty good shot at doing a decent presentation. What happened back in the first tournament, Ness?”

“We learned about sex,” the psychic boy answered.

“Must have sucked. Math’s confusing. Strange to think they didn’t even bother spelling six correctly.”


Mega Man didn’t want to bother his friends any longer. They were doing too much work, so he had to put even more effort.

He went on google and did lots of research before writing a script. Once the script was done, he recorded a video with his friends and prepared a presentation to show to all the newcomers.

Two days later, it was the big day. Despite being a robot, Mega Man couldn’t help but feel nervous. It was his first time doing a presentation. He had never been to school after all. Then again, neither had most of his friends.

“W-welcome,” the robot glitched, “I-I a-am h-here to pre-present the b-b-b-birds and the be-be-bees. Please watch this video.”

The room went dark and no one knew what to expect. Newcomers were placing bets on whether they’d get to see Mia Khalifa or Ryan Creamer. No one thought Mega Man would completely surprise them.


“Bzz!!!” Young Link smiled as he was dressed as a bee, “I’m a bee and I make honey! Don’t confuse me with a mean wasp!”

“I’m a mean wasp!” Toon Link yelled, “I’m going to ruin your summer meal!”

“Not on my watch!” Ness who was wearing a bird costume smirked, “I’m a bird and I can eat you!”


All the newcomers were speechless. Meanwhile, Mega Man was feeling embarrassed. He was sure they hated it. But when the video ended, everyone stood up and Mega Man received a standing ovation.

“Aw, man, that was awesome!” Terry applauded, “Won’t lie, you had us in the first half.”

“I still can’t believe I had to attend this class again!” Mii Gunner complained as she took off her Sans mask, “All because of this costume. But at least, I understood something this year and it didn’t last four hours.”

“Thank you so much!” Mega Man grinned, “I’m so glad this helped.”


Despite the positive reception of the class, Master Hand, who had just learned that no one had actually learned about the birds and the bees, called all the previous “teachers” to his office.

“I demand to be excluded!” Kirby yelled, “I can end your entire career by calling Dad.”

“Kirby, you taught everyone about food,” Master Hand argued, “It was out of subject.”

“Well… Some weirdos like food that way.”

“Please stop.”

“I actually taught them the subject,” Bowser protested, “I explained everything in detail.”

“Oh, you’re not in trouble because of that. Your pictures were the problem.”

“And what did I do wrong?” Marth asked, “It was in my contract to do these sorts of things in Japanese, so only two people understood.”

“You didn’t hire a translator and made too many inside jokes with your friends. Everyone else felt excluded.”

“A-and me?” Mega Man stuttered.

“You clearly didn’t learn a single thing Marth taught you last year.”

Mega Man left the office feeling defeated. The others didn’t appear to care about getting scolded. But Mega Man had put in so much effort and it was all for nothing.

But all his friends and the newcomers approached him telling him he did a great job and that Master Hand could get fucked in the ass despite not having one.

Mega Man didn’t get it but he was happy to receive support.

Chapter Text

Isabelle was feeling extremely tired. She had spent months and months planning the villagers’ wedding while still attending tournaments and covering up the villager’s killing sprees. But that she could handle.

What she couldn’t handle was the two sons of bitches obsessed with her and everything she did. She was a goddess to those two. She could do something as meaningless as breathing air and they would go crazy.

Their distractions were causing her to delay the wedding more and more. Luckily the villagers were still kids so they had lots of time left, but Isabelle could really do without the stress.

She was designing invitations when she heard a chicken making noise in the background. She sighed, carefully controlling her anger, before leaving her desk to shut the chicken up.

“What’s up?” Wolf greeted as he picked up the hen, “I was walking Cock around and we happened to stumble here. What a coincidence.”

“Why’s she called Cock?” an unamused Isabelle asked.

“You are aware Falco’s named her, right?”

“Yes, I’m aware. Your point?”

“Wait? She’s actually a hen?”

“Of course, you couldn’t tell!” the dog from Duck Hunt barked, “That’s not the real Cock! But she could make a good girlfriend for my BFF.”

“Can you please not set me up with every bird you meet?” the duck from Duck Hunt frowned, “And please stop harassing Isabelle. She’s very busy.”

Isabelle was thankful that someone besides her was reasonable. She was slowly going insane and she had to stay sane for the mayor’s sake. He was her best friend and she refused to let him down.

“Isabelle, are the invitations done?” pink-haired villager asked as she entered Isabelle’s office carrying a bucket of what Isabelle hoped wasn’t blood, “I need to splatter this all over them and have them sent tonight.”

“Oh, she’s almost done,” Wolf smirked, “She just needs to go on a-”

“She’ll have them done before you know it!” the dog interrupted, “She’s putting in all of-”

“Hey, don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking, you little son of a bitch!”

The two canines got into a huge fight that attracted a big crowd outside of Isabelle’s office. They were all cheering for the fight to continue but life had other plans.

“Can you two fucks stop your fucking petty-ass arguments?” the pink-haired villager girl yelled full of rage, “I will fucking murder your family, your friends and anyone you fucking like. I will chop their heads up, cut their hands, slice their legs and make you look if you don’t fucking stop.”

Wolf and Duck Hunt dog were scared shitless. They could have never imagined that such a little girl could be so scary and use such language. They couldn’t stay in Isabelle’s office any longer.

Among the crowd, Villager bragged about how badass his fiance was and how no matter what, one day they would kill everyone in the world together. Isabelle was crying on the inside, her life really couldn’t get any worse. Could it?

Chapter Text

Fox had had a really long morning. He had grinded Melee so hard and all he wanted was to take a nice long nap after a nice long shower. But of course, nice things weren’t possible in the Smash Mansion.

Fox walked into an unexpected sight. An egg was lying in the middle of the room he shared with Falco and Wolf. But who’s was it?

“Falco, did you lay this egg?”

Falco who was drinking some ice tea spat all of it out in surprise. He had no idea how Fox thought he was even physically capable of laying an egg. The fox must have been spending too much time online.

“What are you, stupid?” Falco replied as he cleaned his wet bed, “Guys don’t lay eggs.”

“Yoshi does.”

“Male birds don’t lay eggs. Wolf probably wanted to eat an egg and dropped it here like the idiot he is.”

Fox and Falco wanted answers. They needed to know why an egg had mysteriously appeared in their room. Things don’t just happen for no reason after all.


The two of them went to the cafeteria in the hopes of finding someone who might have seen Wolf take an egg.

“We were out of-a eggs today,” Mario told the two pilots, “What kind of egg was it?”

Falco took the egg out of his pocket and showed it to the Italian plumber. He had carefully wrapped it and had stolen a hat from the kids’ playing area to protect the egg from the cold. It wasn’t like he cared or anything, but if there was a baby chick in it, he couldn’t just let it die.

“You should take this to-a Dr. Mario,” Mario suggested, “He should-a be able to tell if there is-a any life in it.”


“There’s a chick in it,” Dr. Mario announced after running many overly complicated tests, “My knowledge in eggs is quite limited though. Make sure to take good care of it. Its mother may come back looking for it. You’ll have to be its dad for now.”

The doctor kicked Fox and Falco out of his office. The two friends weren’t sure what to do now.

“Well, the egg’s your responsibility,” Fox told Falco, “Take good care of it.”

“Hey, you’re the one who found it!” Falco snapped back, “You take care of it.”

“Um, if you don’t mind me asking...” Jigglypuff interrupted, “Are you two having a kid?”

“Get lost, Jiggs. No one likes you and your boring playstyle.”

“But this has nothing to do with Melee.”

“I don’t like to admit this, but Falco’s right,” Fox frowned.

“Jesus Christ, you two are perfect for each other. Fuck you, both!”

“Go fuck yourself!”

“Was just about to do it!”

Falco and Fox fist-bumped. That would teach the puff to stop annoying them. It was one thing to be annoying in Melee, it was another to be annoying outside it.


The two returned to tell Mario the exciting news and to have him choose who should be the chick’s temporary dad.

“Maybe you could both-a work together?” Mario suggested, “It would-a probably be easier for-a everyone and aren’t-a you two together?”

“No, and that’s final,” Falco replied, “Don’t listen to what Puff says, she should be banned.”

“Hey, what’s all this about Falco and Fox adopting an egg?” Wolf asked as he entered the cafeteria, “We already have Cock, his girlfriend Cul and their egg.”

“What girlfriend?”

Just as he finished his sentence, Falco’s rooster entered the room holding wings with a hen. Falco’s beak dropped in shock. He hadn’t even noticed his pet had gotten a girlfriend and was about to be a father.

“Wait, so I’m going to be a grandpa?” the bluebird screamed in shock loud enough so that everyone could hear.

Many fighters rushed to Falco and Fox to congratulate them. Falco wasn’t even listening. He was in such shock all he did was nod at everything that was said to him.

“So, if I’m understanding this correctly,” Jigglypuff started, “You two have been in a secret relationship since Melee, got engaged in Brawl, got married in 4 and became parents not long ago?”

“Get lost, puff!” Falco yelled finally breaking free from his shock.

“You know, you never denied you and Fox being perfect for each other.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

One day, he’d get his revenge on Jigglypuff. Not today, but one day. His rooster’s family was more important than Jigglypuff and her yaoi fantasies.

Chapter Text

Kazooie had finished some training and was in need of some relaxation. For once, the living room wasn’t full of idiots so she could watch some TV.

As she was about to grab the remote, she heard someone walk in. She turned around and saw King Dedede. She had never spoken to him but there was just something about him that made her unable to look away.

“I could have sworn I left my last piece of cake here,” the king yawned as he looked around the living room.

Kazooie couldn’t stop staring. She had never noticed how attractive King Dedede was. He was a king for crying out loud. He had money, but he also had the looks. Kazooie couldn’t believe King Dedede was never number one in the “Who’s the hottest person in the Smash mansion?” poll, he was way hotter than any of the anime pretty boys.

“Hey, Kazooie, have you seen my cake?” King Dedede asked.

Kazooie didn’t know what to reply. She had to make a good first impression. Okay, Kazooie, don’t be intimidated. Just try to imagine him in his underwear.

“Oh, no he’s hot!” Kazooie screamed.

“Um… I guess I’ll leave.”

“Please don’t! I mean… Can you stay?”

“Do you need like a doctor? I’m not sure where the doctor is. I only get vaccinated so that others follow in my steps. I can’t have my cooks dying at age 20. I’m perfect so I’m never sick.”

“You sure are.”

“I see you are a bird of culture.”

Kazooie was really excited that she had been praised by the one and only King Dedede. This had to be the best day ever. King Dedede didn’t just give out compliments to random strangers after all.

“Hey, Kazooie, do you want to play Minecraft?” Banjo asked as he walked into the living room, “Oh, hi, Dedede.”

“Why you gotta ruin everything?” Kazooie yelled.

“I’m sorry I’m the only newcomer that didn’t cause a shitstorm! If I knew you wanted one so much, I would have gladly caused one.”

“I wasn’t talking about that.”

“In that case, there’s nothing to worry about!”

“Yes, there is!” Dedede snapped, “Who the Hell stole my cake?”

 

Meta Knight sneezed. Thank goodness he was wearing his mask. If he hadn’t, the cake he had stolen would not have made it out alive.

Chapter Text

Bowser Jr. was staring at a packet of pocky very intensely. Too intensely. Roy had absolutely no idea what was wrong with his little brother, but staring at pocky and not eating was definitely not normal.

“What are you doing, BJ?” the pink koopaling asked, “Why aren’t you eating them? Are you sick?”

“Um… I… I want to play the pocky game with Inkling! Can you ask her-”

“That’s stupid. No way.”


“Open up!” Roy Koopa yelled as he knocked on the door, “Don’t keep me waiting!”

“Ike, what the fuck!?” Marth shouted as he slammed the door open, “You said you’d be out until- Oh, Roy...”

“What took you so long? Where’s Roy?”

“Um… I… I didn’t hear you knock. Roy’s in the shower.”

The Koopaling felt annoyed, he had important matters to discuss with the older Roy. He didn’t want to speak with Marth. What would Marth know?

Marth looked like a total hot mess. His hair looked like someone had ruffled it too much. His clothes appeared to have been put on in a rush. He hadn’t even been able to rinse his mouth, some toothpaste was still visible. Roy was starting to feel bad. He had probably knocked while Marth was getting dressed.

“I’m sorry I knocked while you were getting dressed,” the Koopaling apologized, “You rushed just to open the door because of me. The least I could do is tell you that you have some toothpaste on your face.”

“Toothpaste?”

“Um… That white thing on your face?”

“Haha! Oh, I hadn’t noticed.”

“Not surprised. Anyways, let me in.”

Roy Koopa was sure the room was cleaner the last time he visited. Maybe he walked in on Marth cleaning the room because there were towels on the floor. At least, the hole that had been made with his head last time he visited was gone. The koopa was never tickling Marth ever again.

“How long is he going to take?” Roy complained, “I need answers right now. I guess you’ll do. It’s about BJ, Inkling and the pocky game.”

“W-what!?” the prince blushed as he misinterpreted what Roy said, “How do you know what… Um, do you know what a BJ is?”

“Yeah, I’m not stupid. It’s Bowser Jr. I can’t believe you didn’t know.”

Marth sighed in relief at Roy’s response. He was about to reply but his boyfriend had finally exited the bathroom.

“Finally!” the koopaling cheered, “Roy, I need your help. It’s about the pocky game, Inkling and BJ.”

“Uh, M-Marth knows about that last one more than me,” the older Roy stuttered, “Why do you even know what it is?”

“How does Marth know more about Bowser Jr. than you?”

“Oh, you meant him. I thought you were talking about BJ as in ban Jigglypuff.”


“So, the pocky game is just some dumb romantic game?” Roy Koopa yelled as he slammed his cup of strawberry milk on the table, “I can’t believe he wants to play it with Inkling. What is wrong with my brother?”

“It’s called having a crush,” Roy explained as he sipped his bubble tea, “It makes people act weird or stupid.”

“Not surprised, my dad’s an idiot. We need to stop- Wait, what’s he doing here?”

Roy Koopa was speechless, Bowser, Bowser Jr. and Inkling had just walked into the cafe and Bowser Jr. was carrying a packet of pocky.

“Excuse me, but what are you doing here?” the koopaling asked as he confronted the trio.

“Oh, Roy, why don’t you join us?” Bowser suggested, “Your friends can come too.”

The table was really awkward. Roy Koopa had made sure to sit right in between his brother and Inkling. The adults didn’t seem to care about his bad mood as they were talking about something beyond his comprehension. Bowser Jr. and Inkling weren’t talking since they could tell Roy was upset.

Once Bowser left to go to the toilet, he knew this was his chance.

“All right, spill the beans, Junior!” Roy Koopa said as he slammed his cup on the table, “I know what you’re really up to. Show me the pocky.”

“Um, here it is,” Bowser Jr. frowned as he showed his packet of pocky, “All I wanted to do was play the pocky game.”

“What’s the pocky game?” Inkling asked, “Is it like mikado?”

“No, it’s-”

“Why don’t we have Marth and Roy show us,” Roy Koopa smirked as he grabbed the packet of pocky and opened it, “They’ll show us… One, two, three-”

“Fifteen, there are fifteen pocky,” Marth counted in one second.

“Why don’t you and your boyfriend show us the fifteen ways to win or lose the pocky game.”

“No way, I’m on a diet.”

“Diet, my butt cheecks! You just finished drinking your boyfriend’s bubble tea in addition to your own. You are going to play the fricking pocky game.”

The older Roy put a pocky in his mouth and pinned his boyfriend against the wall. They slowly bit their way through it until Bowser arrived at the table making them freeze.

“Aw, man, I’m sorry for interrupting you two,” Bowser apologized, “Must suck getting interrupted twice in one day.”

“See, this is all your fault, Junior!” Roy Koopa argued as he jumped on the table, “Your stupid pocky game ruined their day. You should be grounded!”

“How is this Junior’s fault?” Inkling asked, “You’re the one who told them to play it.”

“But he’s the one who brought it up. Checkmate.”

“No, everything’s my-” Bowser argued before being cut off.

“We really don’t care,” Roy glared, “Now, go pay the bill.”

Bowser left to go pay leaving everyone to sit in an awkward silence. Bowser Jr. was about to grab his packet of pocky but his older brother yeeted it and it landed on some other customers.

“There will be no pocky games in my household,” Roy shouted.

“What’s wrong with the pocky game?” Inkling asked.

“I dunno. I was just bored.”

The koopaling was met by four glares and it was at this moment he knew, he fucked up.


Roy Koopa entered the closest convenience store and picked a packet of pocky before going to pay.

“Aw, are you going to play the pocky game with your friends?” the cashier asked, “I wish I had someone to play with me.”

“No, it’s for my stupid brother.”

Roy paid and exited the store before joining everyone on a bench. He reluctantly gave the box to Bowser Jr. and crossed his arms in annoyance.

“Look at them, disgusting,” Roy Koopa frowned at the sight of his brother playing the pocky game with Inkling.

“Maybe one day you’ll find someone to play the game with,” Roy reassured the koopaling.

“I don’t think he wants to,” Marth giggled.

The couple continued teasing Roy while Inkling and Bowser Jr. had fun pretending their pocky sticks were swords because the pocky game turned out to be boring.

“I can’t believe my son has a better love life than me,” Bowser sighed as no one listened to him.

Chapter Text

“I have gathered you all to announce that there will be a new tournament,” Master Hand announced.

“Oh, yeah!” Kirby cheered, “I’m gonna kick so much ass again!”

“Your training time will be cut.”

“What!?”

“Same for Pikachu. Anyway, there will also be newcomers, please treat them nicely. You already know some of them. Additionally, my brother Crazy Hand will sadly be joining us… You are now dismissed.”

The original twelve couldn’t contain their excitement. Everyone was hoping they’d know some of the newcomers.


Marth was busy convincing all of his enemies to join his side when a messenger rushed towards him with a parcel.

Excuse me, Prince Marth,” the messenger apologized, “This is of the utmost importance. You must take a look at this.

The prince opened the box and saw some clothes along with an envelope. He opened it and read it out loud.

Dear Prince Marth Lowell of Altea, you have been invited to participate in the Melee Tournament. We will provide you with food and shelter. As your current clothes do not meet our dress code’s standards, we will also provide you with these things called… Pantsu? Are these a pantsu?” Marth asked as he looked at a pair of pants, “Nevermind, I should continue reading… You put them on to cover your legs. Hm… This looks important, I should go.

Marth, we’re in the middle of a war,” Merric reminded the prince, “You can’t just leave us.

I won’t be gone for long and I play such a small part in this war that I’m sure you will all be fine. I’m counting on all of you.


Roy was feeling more nervous than whenever his dad took him to visit Hector. He was going to meet so many people he didn’t know and who were undoubtedly stronger than him. He had no actual fighting experience, his father told him it didn’t matter, but he was still worried. He remembered his father telling him about how his mother had left to go help at a tournament and never came home. What if that happened to him too?

Roy had been so lost in his thoughts that he accidentally walked into someone. He apologized and looked up expecting to see some big angry scary guy, but instead he locked eyes with a teenager not much older than him. Roy couldn’t help but admire her beauty. She was cuter than all the girls he knew and he knew some really cute girls.

Um… H-hi, I-I’m Roy,” the redhead blushed, “Y-you look really cute- I mean cool! You seem like a really cool person!

T-thanks,” the blue-haired teenager replied shyly, “But I don’t think I’m that cool… I’m Prince Marth Lowell of Altea.

Marth… That’s a nice- Wait, you’re a guy? Uh... I mean… You’re a prince?

The prince nodded without taking notice of what was going on through Roy’s mind. The redhead’s nervousness had been replaced by confusion. Roy had never found a guy cute, but Marth was much cuter than any girl he’d ever seen. Oh, well, he didn’t have time to deal with these thoughts. He needed to find everyone else.

Marth and Roy walked around the Smash Mansion eventually finding where all their fellow fighters were. All the guys were in awe at the prince’s good looks. The kids thought he looked cool. Peach was extremely excited to have another girl around. Meanwhile, Samus and Zelda were mentally facepalming at everyone’s inability to realize the cute girl in front of them was actually a man.

“Hi, what are your-a names?” Mario asked only to be met with blank stares, “I guess you two must-a be the ones that don’t-a speak-a English. I’m-a Mario.”

“Roy,” Roy pointed at himself.

“M-Marth,” Marth stuttered with a high-pitched voice.

“You’re a real shy one, Marth,” the Hero of Time smiled as he approached Marth, “I’m Link. Once you’re fluent in English, we should hang out together. Or we could start now.”

“Hey, you can’t make the moves on her just like that!” Peach scolded, “She doesn’t even know what you’re saying. Marth, we girls must stick together!”

“You know, I like this Marth girl,” Captain Falcon admitted, “You’ll all be busy fighting over her and I’ll get Samus all to myself.”

“In your dreams,” Samus glared.

Everyone started arguing and speaking over each other while Marth and Roy watched not knowing what was going on.

They look so angry, do you think I did something wrong?” Marth asked Roy, “They keep mentioning my name.

I don’t see what you could have done wrong… Maybe they all want to be your friend.

My friend… Hey, Roy, will you be my friend? We’re stuck together since no one else speaks Japanese.

I’d love to be friends with you.


Master Hand made Marth and Roy take English lessons so that they would be able to communicate with the others. They had to attain a fluent level in about a month as the tournament was starting in two months and they needed to do promotions.

“Today, you will cook with Peach to learn about food,” Master Hand told the two teenagers, “This will be very useful for you.”

“I’m so excited!” Peach cheered, “We’re going to have so much fun! We’re making gumbo!”

“Is gumbo drink?” Marth asked.

“No, it’s… I’m not sure but it tastes good!”

Marth and Roy helped Peach make the gumbo. They had no cooking experience so all they did was pass Peach the ingredients since no one wanted the mansion to burn down. As they cooked, Peach asked her two students questions to help them improve their English.

“What’s your favorite word, Roy?”

“Fire because my sword has the fire!” Roy grinned, “And you, Marth?”

“Link taught me this word,” Marth smiled, “It’s fuck. I’m not sure what fuck means but Link said fuck can be used for anything. Link’s a very good friend for teaching me fuck.”

“Uh, he sure is,” Peach laughed nervously, “Anyway, do you two speak English together?”

“Unless we must speak of important, yes. Yesterday, Roy taught me about shit.”

“Link taught me that!” Roy added, “He teaches us so much!”

“He’s so cool! I’m so happy he’s a friend!”

“Well… I’m glad you two are making friends,” Peach sighed, “Marth, is it not hard for you to share a room with a guy? You don’t get to have girl talks or go shopping for clothes and makeup.”

“No? Why would I want to girl talk? Do guys wear makeup too? Do I have to wear makeup? Is it wrong for two guys to share a room?”

“Oh, I guess that explains why you always go to the toilet alone. Damn it, I owe Zelda money now...”

“Damn it! What’s damn it?”


It had been almost a month since Marth and Roy had arrived at the Smash Mansion and their English had gotten good enough for them to have conversations and understand most of it.

They were sitting in the dining room with Link eating breakfast. The three had become really close because they were all around the same age, sword users and pretty boys.

“Hey, Marth, would you like to go out with me?” Link asked.

“But it’s raining.”

“I meant like on a date. You know when two people like each other they go out to a restaurant or the park.”

“Oh, okay. Sure, we can go on a date.”

“Really!? You mean it? I can’t believe I’m going on a date with the prettiest girl in the mansion.”

“Wait, we’re not going together anymore?”

“What!? Of course, we are! You are the prettiest girl in the mansion after all.”

“You have a weird sense of humor. Am I too pretty to be a guy?”

“I wasn’t joking! You really are the prettiest- You’re a guy?”

“You’re still joking… Right? You didn’t really think I was a girl all this time, right?”

“I’m sorry, Marth… To be honest, it doesn’t really matter whether you’re a girl or a boy as long as you’re you.”

“Really?”

“Marth’s not a girl!” Pichu screamed in shock.

Almost everyone was shocked at the revelation. Captain Falcon was thanking God for making him so attracted to Samus that he refused to jerk off to anyone that wasn’t her. In another universe, he might have jerked off to a guy that wasn’t Samus. The thought scared him.

Among all the chaos, Marth and Roy sneaked out of the dining room.

“Marth, going on a date means going out with someone you’re in love with,” Roy explained in the hopes that Marth would not go out with Link, “You know that, right?”

The redhead had developed a crush on the prince. It started with just thinking he was good-looking but he quickly came to appreciate the prince’s company and personality. Marth was so nice and understanding, he always did his best. Roy really looked up to him.

Like literally. Marth wasn’t tall to start off, he was below average height, but Roy and Link were so short they made Marth look like a giant. It didn’t help that Marth had long legs that made him look taller than he actually was in photos.

“What!?” Marth blushed, “If I had known that, I would have definitely said no. I’m not in love with Link.”

“Oh, thank goodness… I mean, I didn’t want to feel like a third wheel!”

“Why would me dating Link turn you into a wheel?”


The end of the first Melee tournament was nearing. All that was left was Grand Finals between Marth and Fox. Everyone else was watching full of excitement, except for Falco who had been eliminated by the two finalists and had no idea who to root for.

“Oh, why can’t both win?” Peach asked, “I want them both to win. Fox has really stepped us his game and Marth’s doing so well in his first tournament.”

“Yeah, he’s amazing,” Roy smiled, “He’s managed to reset the bracket. He’s so scary on FD, it’s like that stage was made for him.”

“I can’t believe I lost every set!” Kirby shouted only to be ignored by everyone, “I was number two last tournament.”

“You know what, since Fox is a little bitch, I’m rooting for Marth,” Falco announced, “But there’s no way I’m losing against either of them again. I’ll be the best one day.”

“Can you guys shut up?” Sheik scolded, “I’m trying to study their movements, I’m not losing against them either.”

“Hey, has anyone seen Zelda?”

“S-she’s in the toilet.”

After ten long games, the Grand Finals had finished and Marth came out on top. His friends ran up to him to congratulate him.

“You were awesome,” Link cheered, “You’re a genius on the battlefield.”

“You really think that?” Marth asked surprised, “I mean, I fell for the ICs’ stupid wobble trick and got sent to losers because of that.”

“But you brought it all back,” Roy reminded his friend, “I totally got my butt kicked. I wish I was good like you.”

“But you didn’t go 2-0 like you expected to. When you start at the bottom, you can always go higher. I can only go down from here...”

“You might not always be first place, but you’ll always place high. I’ll root for you regardless of how well you place. You’ll always be number one to me.”

The prince blushed at his friend’s response and politely thanked him before heading to the awards ceremony to collect his trophy.

“Hey, Roy, you’re totally in love with him, right?” Link teased.

“W-what!?” the redhead stuttered as his face’s color matched his hair, “Of course, not! I’m just being a good friend.”

“Sure, it’s not like I catch you staring at him all the time.”

“It’s that obvious? I mean it’s just a crush, it will go away soon. You lost all romantic interest in him pretty quickly, I’ll be over him in no time.”

The two were about to leave the arena when Marth ran up to them carrying a huge trophy and a bag. He had a huge smile and had received many gifts and a large amount of money.

He was rambling about something but Roy wasn’t paying attention. He couldn’t help but focus on the prince’s smile and beauty. Marth didn’t smile too often, which was a shame because he looked even more beautiful when he did. Roy assumed it had to do with the prince thinking he looked too feminine when smiling.

“You’re beautiful,” Roy muttered not realizing what he had just said out loud.

“I know it’s beautiful,” Marth replied, “I think we’ll have to rearrange our room. I didn’t expect to get such a big trophy.”


It had been a few months since the start of the Melee tournament. Everyone had gotten used to their life of fighting. Many rivalries and friendships had been born amidst the chaos the tournaments always brought to the Smash Mansion.

Although to be fair, the Smash Mansion was always full of chaos. People were always getting into fights, the cafeteria was always noisy and people kept getting sent to Master Hand’s office.

Today, Marth and Roy had been sent to the office because they had accidentally set the kitchen on fire. Master Hand had no idea how they managed that but he wanted to make sure the two never set foot in there again.

“I don’t care who started what,” the hand yelled, “You can’t set the kitchen on fire because you got into a fight.”

“I didn’t set it on fire!” Marth argued, “Roy’s the one with a fire sword.”

“What!?” Roy snapped, “You’re the one who messed around with the microwave and made it explode.”

“Why didn’t you stop me in that case?”

“I’m sorry for thinking you had more than two brain cells. I guess you’re just looks, princess.”

“At least, I’m not a midget who’ll be forever alone like you!”

“Just shut up and leave!” Master Hand shouted, “I don’t want to see your faces in my office ever again.”

The hand kicked the two teenagers out of his office leaving them speechless. They looked at each other awkwardly before bursting out into laughter unaware that everyone was staring at them.

“Mamma mia, to think that they-a were at each other’s-a throat a few minutes ago,” Mario sighed, “Can someone explain to me how those-a two manage to be best-a friends? They never agree on-a anything and are always-a fighting.”

“They must really enjoy fighting each other,” Peach theorized, “At this point, I think they’re doing it on purpose.”


Years passed and Melee was still going strong. Everyone had grown much closer and the mansion was as lively as ever. It was also on fire very often because of a redhead pyromaniac who happened to also be our boy.

Marth had just come back from a long and tiresome set against Jigglypuff. Fighting against her was the absolute worst, but she was the only boring person to fight along with the Ice Climbers, so he could live with it.

The prince took off his cape, armor and boots before throwing them on his bed. He grabbed a towel and walked towards the bathroom completely unfazed by the strong smokey smell in the room. He tried opening the bathroom door but it was locked.

“Roy, are you almost done in there?” Marth shouted as he repeatedly knocked on the door in the hope it would annoy his roommate.

“I just got in! Wait a few minutes.”

Marth sat on his bed feeling extremely annoyed. Roy was going to pay for making him wait. All he needed was to come up with a plan, maybe he could tell Roy he thought water was more badass than fire. Sure, it was a total lie, but it would piss off the redhead and they’d get into a fight like always.

I wonder why arguing with Roy is so much fun? I don’t get the same thrill with anyone else.

“Marth, I’m done with my shower,” Roy said as he slammed the bathroom and interrupted Marth’s thoughts, “You can take yours now.”

“About time,” Marth smiled before glaring at his roommate, “Roy...”

“Yes, Marth?”

“I bought you a hairdryer so you would stop making the whole place wet after your showers,” the angry prince reminded his friend as he grabbed his hand and dragged him back to the bathroom, “And brush your hair for once, it’s always a mess.”

“If you know so much about hair, why don’t you show me how it’s done?”

“Fine, I will.”

Roy’s hair was an absolute nightmare to take care of. The redhead neglected it so much that it was full of knots. It took Marth twenty minutes to full untangle it and dry it. The prince found the effort it worth it, Roy’s hair was soft and fluffy now which meant it would be pleasant to ruffle.

“Doesn’t it feel much nicer this way?” Marth asked his shorter friend.

“I guess it does, but it’s way too much effort. Unlike you, I don’t want to spend twenty minutes on my hair every day.”

“If you washed and brushed your hair properly, you’d have nice hair all the time with little to no effort.”

“Why don’t you brush it for me? You were smiling all the time, you were having fun, were you?”

“No, I wasn’t!” the prince blushed, “I was just looking forward to not having to see you with a pathetic excuse for hair anymore.”

“How much do I have to pay to do this every day? I’m your best friend, so you’ve got to give me a discount.”

“B-best friend? You’re not paying me anything! This is a one-time thing, be happy it’s free. Now let me take my shower, you’ve kept me waiting for too long.”

“You were the one who chose to help me with-.”

Marth kicked Roy out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Best friends? What was Roy even thinking? They were closer than that.

BFF’s maybe. It wasn’t as though he was in love with Roy or anything and there was no way Roy liked him back. The redhead was more interested in setting things on fire than anything else anyway.

Marth was about to undress when he noticed he forgot to take a change of clothes. When he exited the bathroom, he saw that there was a fire.

But Marth didn’t care anymore, the room was always on fire and he didn’t want to deal with it while he was dirty. So, the prince grabbed some clothes and returned to the bathroom unknowingly upsetting Roy who wanted to annoy him.


The end of the Melee tournament was drawing near. The hands were busy with a lot of paperwork. They had to send invites to newcomers, renew contracts and terminate contracts. They also had to design new stages and the new employee had messed up the physics machine, so they had to fire him.

“Your contract has been renewed,” Master Hand informed Marth, “You’ll still have to speak Japanese during games.”

“Yeah, whatever, I’ll make a lot of money,” Marth bragged, “I’m a top tier after all. Only an idiot would decide not to renew this contract.”

“Your training time will be cut and it will likely severely affect your performance. If it makes you feel better, so will Fox, Falco, Sheik and Jigglypuff’s.”

“Wait, why?”

“It gets boring seeing the same people win over and over again. If you spend your training time wisely, you can retain your great results.”

“Whatever, I’m the best swordsman here, I don’t need training to kick ass. I’m going to beat every single person here again and I won’t hold back against the newcomers.”

“I guess you haven’t been informed yet. Some fighters have chosen not to renew their contracts.”

“W-what!? Why would they do that?”

“They’ve chosen to go save their worlds and Pichu evolved, so we’re kicking out the old Pikachu.”

Marth left Master Hand’s office not knowing if he wanted to destroy everything in sight in a fit of rage or breakdown crying not caring that everyone would see him.

“H-hey, Marth, can we talk?” Roy asked as he walked towards his friend, “I need to tell you something. It’s about-”

“Go fuck yourself!” Marth yelled as he punched Roy in the face before running away.

“Marth, wait!”

“Roy, are you okay?” Link asked.

“I’ll be fine. Marth couldn’t punch to save his life. I should go look for him.”


Marth was sitting at the top of a tree crying his heart out. He didn’t know why he had climbed a tree, it just seemed like the right thing to do. No one would ever think of looking for him there anyway.

“Marth, where are you?” Marth heard a voice shout.

The prince didn’t want to speak with Roy. He tried to move some branches to blend in with the tree, but the noise attracted the short teen’s attention.

“Jesus Christ, Marth,” Roy gasped, “What are you doing up there?”

“Go away! It’s what you want.”

“Marth… I don’t have a choice, my father’s sick and no one else can lead his army.”

“I’m sure there are plenty of people capable of leading an army in Pherae. Why does it have to be you of all people?”

“I don’t know… But I’ll succeed and I’ll come back.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah, we’ll be roommates again and we’ll get to do stupid stuff all the time. Now, why don’t you get down this tree?”

“M-my clothes will get dirty.”

Roy knew that was a lie. Marth’s clothes had already gotten dirty, the prince appeared to be scared of falling and hurting himself. Roy would have offered to catch him, but he was too small and Marth was heavier than him. Instead, he told the prince that he’d bring help.

While waiting, Marth decided to explore the tree hoping to find an apple or something. He indeed found something but he wasn’t sure what it was. It looked like a tiny screen with an Apple logo behind it. Marth pressed the round button not knowing what else to do.

“iPhone?” Marth read out loud as the screen turned on.

By the time, Master Hand had convinced Mewtwo to use his telepathy to get Marth down, Marth had become addicted to the iPhone he had just found.

“Roy, look at my iPhone!” Marth grinned as he showed the phone to his best friend.

“That’s a phone?”

“Yeah, it’s really cool!”

“Hey, that’s my phone!” Crazy Hand said as he took the phone away from Marth.

Marth was about to burst into tears as another thing he loved was stripped away from him, but Roy had an idea.

The redhead took his best friend to the electronics store and offered to buy him an iPhone.

“You’re really going to pay for it?” Marth asked in shock as he looked at the iPhone box in his hands, “You don’t need to-”

“It makes you happy and I love seeing you happy,” Roy blushed, “I’d gladly buy you a new one every year.”

“Oh, if you’re insisting, I can’t refuse.”


After a tiring farewell party, it was finally the day all the people who had terminated their contracts were due to leave. Everyone had been gathered at the entrance to say their goodbyes.

Pikachu was greeting Pichu who was now Pikachu. Mewtwo was ignoring everyone. The Links were saying goodbye to Sheik who had pulled a lot of strings to stay. Jigglypuff was crying over her green headband getting kicked out of the mansion. Dr. Mario was saying goodbye to himself?

“Roy, can I tell you something?” Marth asked.

“I want to tell you something too. Do you want to go first?”

“Um… I-I… I… Never mind, go first.”

“Okay. Marth, I… No, you should go first.”

“No, you really should-”

“Same time?”

“Same time.”

Marth and Roy took a deep breath before counting down to three and telling each other what they had really wanted to say.

However, the noise made my their fellow fighters made the two teenagers misinterpret what they had said.

“You moan too?” Roy said confused.

“You loathe poo?” Marth asked.

The two friends burst out in laughter and decided not to continue the conversation. Meanwhile, some of their fellow fighters who had overheard the conversation couldn’t help but stare in shock. They weren’t confused by the two confessing to each other, they were surprised by their stupidity and inability to understand each other.

“Hey, Marth,” Roy said as he hugged his taller friend, “I’ll make sure to come back no matter what.”

“I’ll-” Marth started before bursting into tears, “Please come back soon. I don’t want us to be separated.”

“I’ll try my best. I’ll forever look up to you, I’ll make you proud of me when I’m back. Please don’t forget about me.”

“I wouldn’t be able to even if I wanted to.”

“Bye, Marth.”

“Bye.”


Roy was sleeping peacefully when he felt some fingers touch him. At first, he thought it was just his imagination, but then he found himself dying of laughter as his boyfriend tickled him.

“You’re up early,” Roy told Marth as he caught his breath, “You’re usually the last one to wake up.”

“Please tell me you didn’t forget what today is.”

“Um, it’s the twenty-first, so… Melee’s eighteenth anniversary!”

“And your birthday.”

“Oh, ye- What!?”

“Hurry up and get dressed. Everyone’s waiting for you.”

Once dressed, Roy and Marth walked to the cafeteria to join their friends to celebrate the greatest Smash tournament and our boy, Roy’s birthday.

“You know, Marth, things have really changed since Melee,” Roy told his boyfriend, “Some for the better and some for the worse.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” Marth giggled, “The worst change is you growing taller than me.”

“How is that the worst!? If anything, that’s the best change! The worst is you sucking now.”

“That’s bullshit, you were quite happy last week. The best change is you becoming my boyfriend.”

“No, it’s Jigglypuff getting her headband banned.”

“ICs losing wobble is way better than that!”

The two boyfriends were still arguing by the time the made it to the cafeteria.

“I can’t believe they’re arguing today of all days,” Falco sighed.

“It would feel wrong if they didn’t though,” Peach laughed, “At least, they’re not setting the whole place on fire.”

“All right, who’s doing the countdown?” Fox asked.

“Three. Two. One!” Jigglypuff cheered before the fire alarm rang, “Wouldn’t be a Melee anniversary without it.”

“Time to go party!” Captain Falcon screamed as he ran out of the mansion followed by everyone else.

And just like on all the previous Melee anniversaries, the mansion found itself set ablaze, “Last one there pays everyone’s dinner.”

“This year, I am not paying!” Ganondorf yelled before noticing everyone was already gone, “You guys will pay for this!”

Meanwhile, all the fighters that hadn’t been in Melee were completely confused as to why the mansion was on fire. It happened every year on the 21st of November and they always got the blame for it. Some even tried complaining to the hands but they wouldn’t listen which made them all very sad. They didn’t know what they were missing out on.

Chapter Text

It was the blackest of Fridays, it was Black Friday. Shulk had stayed up all night planning a date for him and Lucina. He wanted to take her shopping and buy her anything she wanted, provided he could afford it.

The couple made sure to leave the mansion while everyone else was still asleep. They needed to make sure they arrived before everyone else. The town’s mall had banned camping outside and all the hotels nearby refused to have any guests.


Meanwhile, Simon and some other fighters had volunteered to be guards for the day at the shopping mall. Simon had been made the leader of the guards. They could not let there be any trouble.

“The parking will soon be opened,” the Christian informed his colleagues, “Let us pray to the Lord for help and guidance on this very important day. Lord, thank you-”

“Hey, gramps, when do we get to attack?” Richter asked, “I’m bored of-”

“Don’t interrupt me while I’m praying, child. Everyone here will pray to the Lord and that’s final.”

As everyone prayed or pretended to pray, a loud noise interrupted the group. Simon rushed towards the door and took a look. It was the Americans.

“America, fuck yeah!!!” the four American Smashers sang as they got off the tank they had rented for the day.

“Everyone, it is time,” Simon announced as he and the rest of his colleagues took their positions and prepared their weapons, “Open the gates!”

In under a second, the mall had been packed full of people. Everyone was beating each other up and fighting over products. People were dying, kids were crying. It was a pretty average Black Friday for the town.


Lucina and Shulk were running around the mall avoiding as many people as possible. They didn’t want to hurt any of the town’s people but it was starting to seem impossible to travel through the mall without getting their hands dirty.

“Maybe we should leave,” Lucina said as she dodged random passerby, “Getting me a new dress isn’t worth it.”

“No!” Shulk yelled as he punched a guy in the face, “I am getting you that dress even if it means not feeling it.”

“If you insist. We need to find a better way to the clothes store.”

Shulk was struck by an amazing idea as his girlfriend finished his sentence. He told her the areas that were patrolled by security guards would be safer.


The security guards were busy beating up people when they saw Snake, Little Mac, Ken and Terry walking towards them. The four Americans looked ready to fight anyone to get what they wanted. No one could stop them.

“Sans, Mii Swordfighter, Mii Brawler, you guys will be in the front,” Simon ordered, “May God have mercy on these four Americans’ victims.”

“You guys have been doing a great job,” Little Mac cheered, “Carry on like this!”

“We’ll buy you whatever you guys want,” Ken smiled.

The Miis were about to tell the Americans what they wanted when they saw Lucina and Shulk running towards them. Snake and Terry prepared for battle, they weren’t going to let the security guards get attacked.

“Wait, we don’t want to fight!” Lucina pleaded.

“That’s what they all say!” Terry shouted as he ran towards the couple, “We’re not falling for your tricks.”

“It looks like we won’t have a choice but to fight,” Shulk told Lucina.

As the couple collided with the two Americans, a shout was heard. A white blur flew through the air and landed on the cold hard ground. Everyone was in shock.

“Sans, no!!!” Simon screamed as he ran towards the skull on the floor, “He sacrificed himself for us.”

“I can’t believe it,” Snake cried, “I barely knew him but I had so much respect and admiration for him. He didn’t deserve to be beheaded.”

“Um, guys, I’m still here,” Mii Gunner said as she looked at the group of idiots mourning over her mask.

“When did you get here?” Mii Swordsman asked, “You don’t need to see this.”

“I am Sans, you fucking dumbass! You guys are retarded, Sans never made it into Smash! Why does everyone only give a shit about me when I put on that fucking Sans mask!”

“His death is hitting you really hard,” Mii Brawler sobbed, “I already miss him so much!”

“Fuck you! Fuck Black Friday! And fuck Sans!”


Lucina and Shulk left the shopping mall feeling traumatized. Sure, they had been through really traumatic events, but they didn’t compare to seeing Sans get beheaded right in front of their eyes.

The couple decided to go to a cafe in the hopes of saving their date, but all they could think about was Sans. They didn’t know how to tell everyone else that they were there when the skeleton died.

“I’m really not feeling this date,” Shulk sighed as he drank a hot chocolate, “Sans’ death is all over the news.”

“Even our first date was better than this,” Lucina told her boyfriend as she took out the pearls from her bubble tea, “But if we can make it through the worst dates in the world, we can make it through anything.”

“Now, I’m really feeling it!”


Mii Gunner wasn’t feeling it though. She was fucking pissed. All she wanted was to meet one person who did not give a shit about Sans.

Everyone only cared about her when she put on the Sans mask. It was all about to change. She had heard about the rumors surrounding the Apple store. Maybe she could try her luck there.

Chapter Text

Mario didn’t know what to do anymore. Being single when you were in love with someone who didn’t return your feelings was hard.

The Italian plumber had only heard rumors about Tinder, not many people in the area used it as far as Mario was aware. But it was worth a shot, Mario just wanted to go on one date. He hadn’t been on one in ages and there were little kids who had a better love life than him. Villager was even engaged, a fucking psychopathic killer had a better love life than the greatest Nintendo character of all time.

Mario took his crappy phone out of his pocket and downloaded Tinder. He created his profile and waited. But nothing ever came. Were there no girls who used Tinder in the area?

“Luigi, I can’t-a get this stupid-a app to-a work!” Mario complained as he stood up and walked towards his brother, “Why are no-a girls appearing on-a Tinder?”

“What do you want-a me to do about-a it?” the younger Italian replied, “Only-a Bowser uses-a dating apps.”

“Mamma mia, I can’t-a believe I have to ask-a Bowser for-a help.”

“Mario needs my help?” Bowser asked, “This is going to be interesting.”

“How do I get-a Tinder to work?”

“Oh, no one uses that app here. I’m the only person on it in the area.”

Mario was pissed. Nothing in his life ever went right. This was supposed to be his one chance to get a date. Mario really wished his past-self hadn’t broken up with Pauline. He couldn’t even remember why they broke up but they were still friends.

“Luigi, why is my love-a life-a the worst?”

“I don’t-a know-a Mario. Look around at all-a the couples-a here and try to figure-a out what-a they did-a right.”

“Hm...”

“Well?”

“They aren’t-a doing anything-a right!”

“Exactly, you can’t-a do anything-a Mario. Just-a face it, I’m-a better than-a you at-a something!”

“Wait, what?”

Chapter Text

The holiday season was always a really busy season at the Smash mansion. Crazy Hand would always insist on having mistletoe everywhere, he'd tell Master Hand that it was to make the mansion feel greener", but everyone knew he only did it for blackmailing purposes. This would lead some fighters getting paranoid because they did not want to kiss their worst enemies and have everyone else know about it.

The last year had been great for the fighters because two pretty boys had burnt down all the mistletoe except the one in the living room. Crazy Hand wouldn't allow this to happen again. He was blackmailing the fighters whether they liked it or not. They were his source of income and he was not letting them get away with not making him nay money.

Crazy Hand gathered all the fighters that were at the mansion in the meeting room to announce the year's plans for the holiday season. Naturally, none of them were paying attention until he mentioned the word "fighting".

"This year, we won't have mistletoe but mistlefoe," the hand explained to the uninterested fighters, "When two people are underneath mistlefoe, they will engage in combat. I expect to see nothing but fighting this year. Any questions? Yes, Ganondorf."

"Can we kill people?"

"Eh, if you revive them afterwards, I don't see the problem with a little bit of killing."


Crazy Hand was trying to decorate the mansion but he kept getting interrupted by fighters. It looked like everyone wanted to be the first one to go underneath the mistlefoe.

"You have to let me be the first person underneath the mistlefoe," Ganondorf insisted, "I will let you attend my customer service for free."

"I should-a be the first-a one," Mario argued, "I was-a the first-a fighter invited-a here."

"I am Sakurai's son, I will be the first one underneath the mistlefoe," Kirby smirked, "If you don't respect my orders, you'll get kicked out of Smash."

"So, many good arguments..." Crazy Hand sighed, "I know! I'll hold a big event and draw two lucky winners."

The fighters wanted to protest but they knew it would be in vain. When Crazy Hand made up his mind, it was near impossible for him to change his stance on something.


Thanks to his amazing connections, Crazy Hand managed to get the stage where he'd hold the drawing event built in a couple hours. All the fighters had been invited and but only two of them would get to take part in the first fight.

"Thank you, thank you," Crazy Hand said as he floated onto the stage while all the fighters cheered, "Now, I know you guys are all really excited but sadly, Master Hand has forced me to do some terms and conditions and since he is here, I sadly must read them out loud for you..."

The crowd was now dead. The majority of the fighters never read the terms and conditions and even those who did didn't like reading them. They just wanted to fight, that was why they were in Smash after all. It wasn't like they had been taken away and brainwashed or anything like that.

"But fuck that and fuck Master Hand! Let's draw our two lucky winners!"

The crowd went wild. Crazy Hand was a genius in the art of hyping up the crowd, unlike his brother who was boring and had a stick up his missing ass.

"Our first lucky fighter is… Link!"

"Hell yeah!" the Hylian champion shouted as he high-fived his friends.

"Link, how do you feel right now?" Crazy Hand asked as he invited Link onstage.

"Words can't describe how I feel right now."

"I suppose hya is what you want to say right now."

"No, what I mean is. Today's the first time I'm ever rooting for Ganondorf."

"Can't blame you. Alright, our second lucky fighter is… Mewtwo! Mewtwo? Where is he?"

"He's on vacation," Kirby explained, "But he told me if something like this happened, you should give me his spot."

"Lol, no. Our second lucky fighter is… Palutena!"

"Oh, that's-" Palutena started before getting cut off.

"I volunteer!" Kirby screamed, "As her adopted son, I will take her spot!"

"I can't decide," Crazy Hand admitted, "I'm drawing again. Bowser, you're up."

"As Bowser's best friend-" Ganondorf spoke up.

"Mega Man. Not here, damn it! Oh, well… King Dedede!"

"Oh, yeah!" King Dedede jumped up the stage before being kicked by Kirby.

"Dedede, Sakurai's calling you for a meeting."

"Wii Fit," Crazy Hand spoke, "Wait, no, that would be boring. Isabelle… No, that would be unfair to Link. No, no one likes Corrin. Luigi, wait no… I can see Mario and Daisy standing up. Falco, you're our lucky second fighter."

Falco jumped up excited for his upcoming match. But something he never expected happened.

"As his boyfriend, I will take his spot!" Fox shouted.

"W-what!?" Falco stuttered in confusion, "We're not dating!"

"Falco, we must come out to everyone. You're so tsundere. Yes, we've been dating since Melee."

"I am not tsundere, Fox. You know we're not dating. You're just copying that one South Park episode. I bet you're going to start singing-"

"I swear! By the moon and the stars, I'll be there!"

"Aw, that's cute but I can't have you taking someone's spot," Crazy Hand admitted, "I'll draw again."

"Oh, come on! You're telling me I lied for nothing?"

"Stop being tsundere, Fox. Now, Young Link… Wait, that won't make for funny photos. You're making me miss the old old Link. Donkey Kong, no… No one will buy my photos. No one cares about Olimar. There are two Ice Climbers so you guys are eliminated for illegally partnering up. Man, this is harder than I thought it would be. Lucas, wait no. I do not want to see PK fire."

"Um, Ness is the spammer, not me," Lucas defended himself, "I will fight Link without using any special moves."

"I'll get in trouble if I use you. King K. Rool is too gross, won't make for good composition. Fuck, Sonic. Pit, you get to fight Link."

"Hell yeah!" Pit cheered.

Dark Pit wanted to interrupt and give some lame excuse to take Pit's place but he didn't want to admit he was a Pit clone. Luckily, some of Pit's friends had other plans.

"I'll share my food with you if you give me your spot!" Ike shouted.

"Ike, why did you have to ruin this?" Master Hand asked, "Now Crazy's going to draw again."

"Joker- God damn it, Kirby!" Crazy Hand shouted, "Fuck it, Ganondorf just go fight Link. I don't care anymore. Fuck RNG."

And so the legendary battle took place and Crazy Hand snapped many compromising photos. Once it was over and Link naturally came out on top because he doesn't lose to Ganondorf and Ganondorf's low tier anyways, everyone started fighting.


The next day, all the fighters were in for a huge surprise. Crazy Hand couldn't wait for all the fighters' reactions but little did he know, he wouldn't get the reactions he was expecting.

"Excuse me, Dad, but how could you lose to fucking Pichu?" Bowser Jr. asked his dad as he showed him a picture of Pichu kicking Bowser in the face.

"I'm so sorry you had to see that, son," an ashamed Bowser apologized.

"I am disgusted!" Daisy shouted as she shoved a picture into everyone's face, "Why did Crazy Hand post a picture of the one time Rosalina pinned me to the ground. I was beating her the entire time!"

"Wow, that looks like a cover of a por-" Peach tried to say before being cut off by Luigi.

"He just doesn't-a want-a people to fear you! All it-a takes is one-a look and-a people know you'll-a obliterate-a them."

Crazy Hand returned to his office feeling disappointed. His little plan hadn't worked out as expected. Sure, he had made a lot of money, but he just wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit. Why did Christmas always have to be depressing at the Smash Mansion? Nothing ever went right. Was there some god deciding that the smashers couldn't be happy during Christmas?

Yes.