Katsuki’s stomach dropped. Well, this was a new feeling. He was stunned at the scene before him.
What the fuck?!? He kept repeating in his head. One, what the fuck was happening. Two, why the fuck was he feeling like this?
Katsuki wanted to punch himself in the face.
Betrayed by his own feelings. Yeah, Katsuki felt betrayed. How was this possible? And since when did he feel like this? He isn’t supposed to care what the goddamn nerd did. But here he was, feeling sick to his stomach as he turned away from what he saw.
Panic. Anxiety. All these feelings started to rush through him. These feelings were so foreign to him. He was Katsuki Bakugou for christs’ sake! Katsuki Bakugou doesn't do panic. Doesn’t do anxiety. Those were all traits attributed to the weak. To someone useless. To Deku.
But here he was walking fast as these feelings bubbled from the depths of his stomach, slowly crawling up through his system. His heart rate increasing as what he saw started to sink in.
No. No. No. This can’t be happening!
As he walks away, he starts to hyperventilate; a panic attack looming. The panic building causes his walk to turn into a fast break. If he ran fast enough, would this feeling go away?
Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t lose . All Might never loses, that’s what it takes to be number one! So why, why does he feel like he lost. What exactly did he lose?
He comes to a stop at a clearing in the forest. Hunching over hands on his knees as he catches his breath. His right hand clutches at his heart. He’s not supposed to feel hurt; like his heart is breaking.
Dragging his feet to the closest tree he collapses on the ground leaning up against the trunk and looks up at the clear night sky. The moon is full and out in the wilderness it’s breathtaking. A groan elicits from his throat at the idea of Deku bathed in moonlight looking up at him with bright eyes. He shakes his head. No, no, no. He can’t be thinking about that, not after what he witnessed, as he closes his eyes.
Class 2-A was on its second year of training camp out in the middle of nowhere. This year, there was no villain attack, and it had been a pleasantly productive trip so far. After a grueling day of training, the class was settling in for the night after dinner. Katsuki decided to venture out into the woods for an evening stroll. He had heard there was a river nearby, and wanted to check it out. Kirishima had wanted to tag along, but Katsuki really enjoyed his solitude. So he stomped off before the red-head could follow.
He followed the trail that led to the river, and right as he approached the body of water he heard voices just ahead. Katsuki had slipped off the path and into the trees to find the voices.
Two bodies had come into view, and Katsuki stood still. That icyhot bastard was there, and so was Deku.They were standing side by side at the river’s edge. Deku was crouched down playing with the water, while Shouto stood up looking up at the sky with his hands in his pockets. What the hell were these two doing out here? Alone, no less.
“-ah. It’s been a crazy camp hasn’t it? Everyone’s gotten really strong, the quirk strengthening regimens have been especially helpful,” Katsuki wants to scoff, of course the nerd would say that.
All of a sudden Icyhot turned to face Deku full-on.
“Midoriya,” he called out with a deep tremor in his voice.
Deku looked up at the towering figure, and slowly raised himself off the ground, “What is it Todoroki-kun?” he asks as he faces the bi-colored haired boy.
“I-”, Shouto starts, but is cut off by the gust of wind that rushes through; picking up leaves and debris in a whirlwind. Shouto and Deku’s eyes shut by the force, and Katsuki, protected by trees just watches on. Leaves get trapped into Deku’s hair. The nerd opens his eyes after the wind rush; his eyes are glistening liquid emerald in the moonlight.Tears brought on by the sudden pressure of wind. Katsuki swears he’d never seen something so beautiful. Shouto must be thinking the same thing because the tension in Shouto’s stance has softened and he was a fond look on his face.
Shouto starts to pick the leaves out of Deku’s hair, and the nerd doesn’t flinch. He has a soft smile on his face. Katsuki’s stomach had clenched. He didn’t like where this was heading.
As the last leaf is picked out, Shouto’s hand moves to Deku’s face; cupping a freckled cheek. Katsuki sees Deku’s eyes flit to the hand on his face and turn a shade of pink before looking at Shouto.
“Midoriya, I asked you out here, because I wanted to tell you something.”
“Uh...okay…” Deku replies warily, as Shouto’s thumb starts to trace the freckles adorning his face.
“I like you Midoriya.”
Katsuki hears Deku’s breath hitch with a slight squeak, and Katsuki realizes his own breathing has ceased. The next few minutes happen in slow motion - Shouto slowly closes the gap between them, Deku is looking up with his big doe eyes wide in awe, Shouto starts to lean down as his eyes slide shut. Before Katsuki can see Deku’s reaction, before he can see this confession end, he turns away as fast as he can and takes off. He’d seen enough.
Now, Katsuki feels hot liquid running down his cheeks. He lifts a hand to his face and realizes he’s crying. His body is betraying him again; making him feel the emotions he’s stuffed down so deep for so long. The torch he had been carrying for Deku had laid dormant just barely a flicker all this time, but now blazed as he realized that Shouto has taken Deku from him. He wasn’t supposed to care what the nerd did; he wasn’t supposed to care about Deku. But he does, he really does. He’s been in love with Deku for as long as he can remember, but hides it with malice and anger. And now, now he’s lost him.
Although, he thinks their relationship had gotten better the past year. Especially after their last fight at Ground Beta, where their miscommunicated feelings were laid out to one another, when All Might told them how they should learn to raise one another up than tear one another down. Katsuki was slowly changing, but now, he doubted he was changing fast enough.
Doubt. He scoffs, another betrayal. Katsuki never doubts himself, or at least he likes to tell himself that. He doesn’t like to linger on these kinds of feelings. Now he’s not entirely sure. Katsuki and Deku held a secret that could not be told to anyone. He thought that made him closer to Deku, but Shouto’s newfound presence threw a wrench in what the duo were working on together.
He doesn’t deserve forgiveness. He has no right to be with Deku, to be the object of Deku’s affections. He lost that right the moment he laid hands on the nerd. And yet, and yet. He doesn’t want to see the nerd end up with Shouto. Deku could be with anyone; anyone but that bastard. Because then, then that would mean that Shouto was truly the best in the class: talents, brain, strength and now Deku at his side.
Alone. Katsuki is alone now. While, Katsuki liked being alone, liked his solitude; this kind of loneliness, hurt more than he had imagined. Deku had been a constant at his side. No more would green eyes follow him. No more “Kacchan’s”, no longer would Deku follow him like he always had. Not when he had someone who shone brighter than Katsuki. Imagining those eyes shifting their focus to someone other than him make Katsuki’s heart throb painfully and a choked sob to come out. God damn his body doing whatever the hell it wanted to do!
He hears some rustling and then-
“Kacchan?” a voice called out.
Katsuki froze at that voice, and scrubbed his face furiously with the back of his hand, and without looking at him, grunted out a very hoarse, “What do ya want Deku.” He could just feel Deku’s eyes on him, and he couldn’t bear to look at him, not if that Icyhot bastard was next to him.
One set of footsteps approached him cautiously, coming to a stop right at his feet.
“Kacchan,” Deku said again, his voice soft and full of concern.
Katsuki chanced it by looking up, and saw Deku, and Deku only. In a flicker of deja vu, Katusuki was looking up at child Deku for a split second before the vision shifted to present Deku. Deku’s hand was outstretched reaching for him as he said, “Are you alright?” Katsuki was overwhelmed by the nostalgia attached to that gesture and another bout of tears came falling, damn his emotions betraying him again! This time, in front of the very source of his tears.
Deku shocked by the crying blonde didn’t know what to do. He went with his instinct which was to kneel in front of Katsuki, and grabbed his hand with both of his hands, “Kacchan, why are you crying? What happened?”
Katsuki tried to pull his hand back, but the nerd had a strong grip on him, “s’nothing Deku , just leave me alone.”
“No, I’m not leaving you here. How can I walk away from you when you’re crying!”
“S’got nothing to do with you nerd! Just go! Shouldn’t you be with your boyfriend ?” Katsuki grits the last word out as he glares at Deku.
Deku’s grip goes lax around Katsuki’s hand, but Katsuki doesn’t pull away, “b-b-boyfriend?!” Deku stutters out, “I-i d-don’t have a boyfriend?? Wh-wh-where did you get that idea?”
Now Katsuki is staring at the stuttering boy in front of him, wide-eyed and jaw slack.
“Kacchan?” the green-haired boy squeaks out.
“I...I saw you and Todoroki…” he stares at the ground with blank look taking over his face, unsure of what to make of this situation.
Deku’s eyes widen for a split second, and realizes now what Katsuki is referring to.
His grip on Katsuki’s hand tightens up again and with a soft voice says, “I see. How much did you see?”
“...he said...he liked you. Then he leaned down..” Katsuki shuts his eyes tight and curls in on himself, his imagination filling in the blank.
“And then I pushed him away,”
Katsuki’s body relaxes as Deku’s words finish his sentence. Deku laughs softly while he shuffles closer into Katsuki’s space. One rough hand reaches out to ruffle blonde hair, “Kacchan didn’t see that I rejected Todoroki-kun.”
Katsuki looks off to the side, trying to hide his embarrassment. Oh, god dammit, he thinks, Fuck, fuck..he knows, he’ll figure out why I’m crying.
“I told Todoroki, that while I was happy to hear his confession, I could not reciprocate his feelings,” Deku’s soft voice continued.
“Kacchan,” he calls out, “Kacchan, please look at me.”
Katsuki huffs but obliges and looks at Deku. His eyes are shining brightly. Brighter than the emerald he saw looking at Shouto. The eyes looking at him are shimmering pools of viridian. Neon stars dancing in his eyes. It takes Katsuki’s breath away.
“...How can I love Todoroki-kun..,” he says slowly, “......when it’s always been you?”
Katsuki’s been struggling to keep up his bravado, but it breaks as soon as he processes those words. His body betraying him again, he lunges forwards tackling the nerd to the ground with a hug as he cries again. But this time it’s tears of happiness.
Deku laughs as he’s tackled to the ground, the sound music to Katsuki’s ears. They stay laid out for a beat and then Katsuki rolls over so they’re both looking up at the moonlit sky.
Katsuki reaches for Deku’s hand and interlaces their fingers together. The phrase that followed was another betrayal of his heart, but it was one he wouldn't fight himself over, not this time. With no regrets he mutters, “I love you too, nerd.”