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Holy Fuck, Bruce Wayne

Chapter Text

[Dick Grayson has created a group chat!]

[Dick Grayson has added Tim Drake, Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cain, and Damian Wayne!]

Dick Grayson: ok nice

Jason Todd: oh god

Cassandra Cain: is this everyone who lives in the house

[Damian Wayne has added Bruce Wayne to the group chat!]

Stephanie Brown: fuck i cant belie ve we forgot dad

Tim Drake: dad

Dick Grayson: dad

Cassandra Cain: dad

Barbara Gordon: dad

Damian Wayne: father

Stephanie Brown: dad

Jason Todd: daddy

[Bruce Wayne has left the group chat!]

Jason Todd: lets leav eit like this

[Tim Drake has changed the group chat name to weebs!]

Barbara Gordon: That's just you, no?

Cassandra Cain: pretty sure Jason has an anime body pillow

Jason Todd: sHeS LOVEly 

Damian Wayne: what the fuck

Dick Grayson: dont judge him
Dick Grayson: i caught you watching that volleyball anime the other day

Damian Wayne: it was ONE episode

Stephanie Brown: i caught you hanging out with caitlyn the other day

Tim Drake: rebecca it's not what you think!!


Barbara Gordon: I'm about to leave this group chat.

[Dick Grayson has changed the group chat name to Wayne Manor!]

[Tim Drake has changed Damian Wayne's nickname to Demon!]

[Cassandra Cain has changed their nickname to Black Bat!]

[Stephanie Brown has changed their nickname to Best Girl!]

[Dick Grayson has changed Jason Todd's nickname to Emo!]

[Barbara Gordon has changed their nickname to Save Me!]

[Tim Drake has changed their nickname to No Sleep!]

[Demon has changed Dick Grayson's nickname to Dad 2.0!]

Dad 2.0: that was a lot of notifications

Demon: watch yourself, drake

No Sleep: fight Me yoU four inch eraser 

Emo: what kind of fucking insult was that

Best Girl: hes trying

Emo: not hard enough

Save Me: I'm not surprised.

Black Bat: do we have any cereal left

Demon: does anyone know where alfred the cat is

Dad 2.0: i think we ran out of cereal

Emo: your cat is with me

Demon: why

Emo: uhh you tell ME

Save Me: ask the cat

Emo: i dont speak cat

Best Girl: i do what he say

Emo: he said meow

Best Girl: it means fuck you jason go do the goddamn dishes like you said you would its been three hours


Black Bat: am i allowed to leave

Dad 2.0: no :(((

Black Bat: that leave button looking really good right about now

No Sleep: do you think the adults have a similar chat

Black Bat: probably

Save Me: I bet 10 cents.

Emo: alfred left me

Demon: like your parents


Best Girl: where did you go demon boy

Demon: hold on

[Demon has changed Best Girl's nickname to Dumb Bitch!]

Dumb Bitch: u rite u rite

Demon: i was in another chat by the way

No Sleep: damian has friends that isn't his family that's forced to interact with him?

Demon: i want to be mad but you are correct

No Sleep: oh shit what

Emo: hey damian mother's day is coming up what are you doing

Demon: it's
Demon: october

Emo: damn

Dad 2.0: can ya'll refrain from dead sad parent jokes

Dumb Bitch: thats literally the only sense of humor we have

Dad 2.0: carry on i guess

Black Cat: back up group chat with who

Demon: my project group for biology 


[10 Missed Notifications - The Mitochrondria is the power house of the cell]

Billy: hey damian heard of ligma

Damian: ligma balls

Billy: frick

Damian: ever been to sawcon?

Billy: no ? whats that

Damian: sawcon deez nuts


Colin: jeez billy i really thought you knew that one

Maya: guys can we stop with this for like five seconds

Damian: i agree

Jon: let's meet up at dami's place

Damian: no

Jon: :(

Maya: he does have the biggest house

Damian: no

Billy: aw come on

Colin: yeah

Jon: omg yes, i want to meet your many siblings

Damian: oh god

Billy: yo what how many

Maya: what like 3?

Jon: four

Damian: three brothers, one sister

Billy: how many younger tho

Damian: all older

Billy: NICE

Damian: not nice

Colin: so damian's house it is

Damian: no wait a minute

Maya: we'll be there in an hour

Damian: have you stopped listening to me, i said no

Jon: see you later, dami!!!!


[50+ Missed Notifications - Wayne Manor]

Emo: and thats now i met your mother

Demon: who's mother

Emo: wait
Emo: were you not here this entire time

Dad 2.0: what

Black Bat: Jason you've been telling a story to Damian who wasn't even here

Demon: what story

Emo: um
Emo: nothing

No Sleep: can i say it

Emo: no

No Sleep: fine

Save Me: Jason has no power over me
Save Me: jason met your mom once

Demon: oh?

Emo: yeah said hi and then left...yes

Save Me: You know what, let's leave it at that
Save Me: He'll figure it out

Demon: uh anyways, my group is coming over in an hour so stay in your rooms and don't do anything stupid

No Sleep: i just got a text from kon that jon is coming over and he wants to meet us


Demon: no, stay in your room

Black Bat: can i meet them too

Demon: no, please, stay in your designated areas called your rooms

Save Me: You can't tell me what to do

Dumb Bitch: 'bout to pull up some embarrassing stories about damian haha

Demon: like?

Dumb Bitch: you know that-- no wait that was tim
Dumb Bitch: fuck and the other one was dick

Dad 2.0: i got cute stories
Dad 2.0: cute-ish sad-ish

Dumb Bitch: why are all of our stories sad

No Sleep: that's how bruce picks his kids

Black Bat: or you just show up out of the blue after ten years and be like "hey im your son"

Demon: thanks

Black Bat: you're welcome

Emo: ill introduce them to my body pillow

Demon: stop, we all know it's roy harper's body pillow that he left in your room

No Sleep: oh shit wait what i thought jason just really liked anime

Save Me: If anyone here watches anime, it's Damian and Cass.

Black Bat: you have no proof

Save Me:  [proof.jpg]

Black Bat: oh

Dad 2.0: i can't wait for dami's friends! 

Demon: i can

Chapter Text

[5:01 PM - Wayne Manor]

Black Bat: Damian's friends are here

Dad 2.0: but where's dami

Dumb Bitch: idk he said hell be back

Dad 2.0: he didn't say where he was going

Dumb Bitch: no he just said ill be back and walked out

Save Me: Find him, I'm trying to keep them entertained for now.

Emo: demon hunting, sammy let's go

No Sleep: who's sammy

Emo: its a supernatural reference....

No Sleep: OH
No Sleep: but who's your sam

Emo: you are
Emo: lets fckin go find a demon


[Super Boy to Angry Boy♡]

Super Boy: dami where are you?
Super Boy: your family is really nice
Super Boy: damian??
Super Boy: is everything ok??

Angry Boy♡: oh shit
Angry Boy♡: i completely forgot, tell everyone that i'm on my way back


[6:00 PM - Wayne Manor]

Emo: i was sent on a wild goose chase

Dad 2.0: well he's back now


Dumb Bitch: is this kid allowed to have pets

Dad 2.0: he's like a mini bruce but with animal

Demon: we're going to work, don't be annoying and look after titus or just let him do whatever he wants

No Sleep: you already named that thing

Demon: yes, and i expect you would treat him with care unless you want to die

Emo: can i die now

Demon: after my project is completed, i'll arrange your end

Emo: damian is the only one i can trust now

Dad 2.0: when is bruce coming home and how do we tell him that damian got himself a dog

Save Me: This could work actually, like a service dog expect he will be trained by Damian

Dumb Bitch: what about alfred

Save Me: Alfred helps Damian sleep, so he helps in a way

Black Bat: guys holy shit Titus is so sweet

No Sleep: have you been playing with him this entire time

Black Bat: yes, if you want your day to go from good to great, please play with Titus

Emo: cant pass up a good boy omw

Black Bat: LOOK AT HIM
Black Bat: [thebestboy.jpg]

No Sleep: must...resist...i have a thesis to do....

Black Bat: pet the good boy

Emo: pet the good boy

Dumb Bitch: fuck your thesis come pet the good boy

Dad 2.0: completely off-topic but did you know jon has dami saved as 'angry boy♡' on his phone

Dumb Bitch: thats so cute i think i cried

Save Me: I can hear them yelling from the living room, are they okay

Dad 2.0: billy just yelled....'im gay'
Dad 2.0: what a big mood


Dumb Bitch: ha gay

Emo: youre dating cass

Dumb Bitch: ha im gay

Black Bat: update: Tim gave up and is now petting the good boy

Demon: hello

[Dad 2.0 has changed Demon's nickname to Angry Boy♡!]

Angry Boy♡: are you fucking kidding me
Angry Boy♡: anyways, my group would like to have a sleepover

Emo: lets play never have i ever

Angry Boy♡: no

Dumb Bitch: never have i ever had my mother hate me

Angry Boy♡: holy fucking shit

No Sleep: never have i ever had my dad not know about me for 10 years

Angry Boy♡: are you done yet

Dad 2.0: never have i ever impulse bought a dog

Angry Boy♡: never have i ever watched my parents fall to their death



Save Me: Are you guys DONE YET

Black Bat: what the fuck i leave for a minute and you've already pulled the dead parents card

Emo: we have...problems

Black Bat: yeah we do what the heck guys

Dad 2.0: azdfdhfndfbvd
Dad 2.0: the only thing that damian's group that they know about him is that his dad is bruce

Black Bat: okay wow same
Black Bat: speaking about Bruce, hes home and petting the good boy


Black Bat: Yeah where are you

Dad 2.0: watching dami and his group do a project
Dad 2.0: this is a whole mess

Save Me: Update us

Dad 2.0: well billy tried looking through dami's stuff to learn more about him
Dad 2.0: damian flipped his shit
Dad 2.0: while damian flipped his shit, maya found his sketchbook, i didn't even knew he did art and shit what but it is now too late for him to get it back

Save Me: Is he good?

Dad 2.0: YEAH HOLy shit i love my son

Angry Boy♡: fuck off

Emo: watch ur fckin profanity 

Angry Boy♡: ...

Emo: shit

Black Bat: are your friends still spending the night
Black Bat: bruce wants to know 
Black Bat: so does alfred

Dad 2.0: only jon can spend the night, everyone else is going home

No Sleep: aw

Dad 2.0: :(

Dumb Bitch: i cant think of anything to change my nickname

Angry Boy♡: point proven

Dumb Bitch: fuck you

Emo: aw man can i invite my friends for a sleepover

Dad 2.0: no

Save Me: No

Dumb Bitch: no

Angry Boy♡: no

No Sleep: no

Black Bat: no

Emo: that is 3 pairs of no which means 3 yes
Emo: brb inviting roy over

Save Me: NO

Emo: :[

No Sleep: that's ugly

Emo: ur ugly 

Dumb Bitch: oh snap

Dad 2.0: jon is trying to convince damian to share bed
Dad 2.0: one of his pros was cuddling

Dumb Bitch: bro thats cute
Dumb Bitch: how much you guys wanna bet on this shit

Emo: 5

Save Me: Dollars?

Emo: cents

Black Bat: i can do that

Emo: 5 cents, dami ends up with colin

No Sleep: i could lose or gain some cents
No Sleep: maya

Black Bat: jon obviously

Dumb Bitch: billy

Dad 2.0: guys what the heck

Save Me: i will also go with colin

Dad 2.0: jon...

Angry Boy♡: did you forget that i am in this group chat

Black Bat: oh shit i did

Emo: what bet i dont know what ur talking bout

Angry Boy♡: what the fuck

Dad 2.0: hold on

[Dad 2.0 has added Jon Kent to the group chat!]



Angry Boy♡: so when does drake's title end

No Sleep: can't you leave me alone for one day

Jon Kent: uh is it always like this

Save Me: Yes

[Save Me has changed Jon Kent's nickname to Pure!]

Pure: aw thank you :)
Pure: oh!! dami's nickname is his contact name :D

Angry Boy♡: fuck

[Angry Boy♡  has changed their nickname to Damian!]

Dumb Bitch: thats so boringgggg

[Dumb Bitch has changed Damian's nickname to Jon's Second Wife!]

Pure: what happened to my first wife? :o

Dumb Bitch: nothing you can prove

Jon's Second Wife: did you just make a tv show reference

No Sleep: i got one

[No Sleep has changed Jon's Second Wife's nickname to Al Ghul-Wayne!]

Al Ghul-Wayne: i
Al Ghul-Wayne: fuck off

Pure: Al Ghul?

Al Ghul-Wayne: nothing

[Al Ghul-Wayne has changed their nickname to Angry Boy♡!]

Save Me: guys

Pure: ?

Black Bat: yeah??

Save Me: The adults do have a group chat! What!


[7:11 PM - Tired Parents]

Clark: I heard Jon is spending the night! Please return him in one piece :)

Bruce: I will try, but I can not guarantee that Damian will not try to kill him

Barry: guys what the heck they're kids

Hal: kids are like monsters in disguise

Barry: you love kids

Hal: i love kids
Hal: and i will babysit if you need me to

Bruce: No

Diana: Have you told your kids about the woman you've been seeing recently?


Hal: diana do you even have kids

Diana: You don't, but you are still here

Hal: ah tooshie


Oliver: i'm going to say this from the bottom of my heart
Oliver: shut up, thank you