Disclaimer: So this is a Faberry oneshot for my best friend’s birthday. The characters of glee do not belong to me. This is season one, and Quinn is starting to realize she has feelings for Rachel. And that maybe they might have already been there. As glee ’s writers claim Lima is small, my headcanon is that they didn’t all meet because of glee. Odds are, they had known each other for a very long time. I will change things from canon if I don’t like it, and you will just have to deal. My fics are not for the majority of the fandom. Just a head’s up before the complaints. Happy belated birthday, Q.
Gotta Gay, Fabray
Quinn Fabray’s mind was a tumult. First, she had to tell Puck that she was going to lie about the parentage of her baby, and then she’d walked by the ballet class going on. And saw Rachel Berry. She was dressed in ballet clothes, and Quinn was having a very hard time stopping her lusty thoughts about the other girl. It wasn’t fair, how gorgeous Rachel was, even if all she was doing was practicing at the barre. She bit her lip, and fought the urge to go and sign up for ballet. She was, for now, a Cheerio. She just couldn’t be seen in a ballet class. “Freakin’ A.” She mumbled quietly to herself.
Rachel was starting to turn towards her with her movements, and Quinn quickly moved to avoid the other girl seeing her. She moved to go down the hall, and bumped into Brittany Pierce, a friend and fellow Cheerio. “What’s up, Britt?” Quinn asked, trying to hold in her temper. She didn’t feel like talking, and the other girl didn’t seem to know when not to talk to people. She knew it wasn’t Brittany’s fault. She kept walking, the other blonde keeping the pace Quinn was. She reached to get her keys out of an outside pocket.
Brittany had decided it was time to talk to her friend about the fact that Quinn was gay. Or bisexual. She’d seen the other girl ogling the tny diva since they’d joined glee. Brittany reached up to take down her high pony, Coach Sue be damned. She looked at Quinn from around her long blonde hair. “Quinnie, when are you going to admit that you’re gay? I’ve lost count of how often you’re staring at her.” Brittany and Santana Lopez had been having sex since 8th grade. She knew that she had better gaydar than Quinn did. “You have to start dealing with it. You don’t have to come out yet if you don’t want to. But you at least need to start working on your issues.” This was said matter of factly.
This was nuts. Quinn wasn’t…. Was she? She’d been staring at Rachel quite a lot. Quinn didn’t know what to say. She knew she couldn’t try and deny it, not when Brittany was being like this. She knew what she was talking about. Quinn sighed and tried to keep her tone light. “Britt, please don't’ tell anyone. Even Santana. Because if you think that I don’t know you two are sleeping together, you’re wrong.” She blushed as she said it. Quinn had caught them a few times, although they didn’t know it. She’d had to watch them a little, trying to decide if girl on girl turned her on. Quinn had decided that it did, even if she didn’t want to admit it.
“Oh please, I wouldn’t ever tell anyone you’re a unicorn. That’s your choice to tell or not.” Brittany told her, as they got outside. She adjusted her bookbag, “You should be in charge of how you come out. But Q, I don’t know that Rachel likes you like that. She just seems to really like Finn. I don’t want you to get hurt.” She wondered what else was up with Quinn. She could tell that something was. Brittany was a lot more perceptive than people gave her credit for. She mostly didn’t mind. She stopped as they reached Quinn’s car. “You deserve everything good the world has to give, Quinn. And it’s okay if you like girls. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re not normal or anything like that.”
The fact that Brittany wouldn’t tell anyone about her wasn’t a surprise. Quinn knew it she could keep the secret for Santana, she could keep it for Quinn. She leaned against her car. “You…. I do appreciate you keeping my secret. But… I don’t know if I really…. If I'm gay for sure. I haven’t…. I haven’t kissed a girl or anything.” The Rachel might be too into Finn thing she didn’t want to address. She also didn’t want anyone to find out that she wasn’t really in love with Finn, and she suspected she never had been. It wasn’t a thing she was proud of. Quinn looked down at her shoes. “I know that Rachel…. That she loves Finn.” She surprised herself by saying. She hadn’t wanted to discuss this. She lifted her gaze back to her friend. Brittany was quietly waiting for her to keep going. She let out a breath. “I don’t even know if I’m in love with her. I just…. I keep thinking about… having sex with her.” Quinn wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth about not being in love with Rachel. She might have feelings for Rachel. She never let herself think about how she truly felt. It was too scary. She knew where gays and lesbians were going, it had been drilled into her since she was little. She’d had to go to church her whole entire life.
Reaching out, Brittany touched Quinn’s arm. “Quinn, you are in love with Rachel. You can’t see your face when you look at her. You are definitely in love with her. You should tell her. Even if you think she might not feel the same. Because if you don’t, you’ll always regret it. And you have to try and deal with the fact that you are in love with her. Because if you spend the rest of your life hiding who you are, you will for sure be completely miserable. You won’t ever feel okay with who you are as a person. I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who’s regretted coming out.” Brittany wasn’t always one to share her thoughts, but she felt that Quinn really needed to hear this.
The fact that Brittany was saying all of this told Quinn that she really needed to hear it. Brittany didn’t always talk about stuff like this. Quinn sighed. The other girl had given her things to think over. “I’ve got to go now, Britt. I promise, I’ll think about what you said.” Quinn told her, and they shared a look. She gave Brittany a small smile and then Brittany moved to go find her ride. Quinn stayed against the car for a moment, her mind reeling. She knew all of what Brittany had said was true. Even if she didn’t want to admit it out loud. Quinn felt her hazel eyes filling with tears. What was she going to do? She couldn’t tell Rachel that she had feelings for her, could she? What would Rachel say?
One month later
The party at Santana’s was in full swing. Everyone but Quinn was drunk off their ass, and they were playing Spin the Bottle. So far, she’d kissed Matt, Mike, and Tina. None of them had been real kisses, just pecks. Now it was Quinn’s turn again. She was hoping it would land on Rachel. She had to admit, them having this party with all of glee club was strange. But if she got to kiss Rachel, she’d be okay with it. Quinn let her fingers hover over the bottle and then spun the bottle, biting her bottom lip nervously. She felt her heart pounding against her chest as it landed on Rachel. Quinn let out a nervous breath. She looked up at the tiny diva, who was completely sloshed on tequila. She wasn’t sure how to feel about that. She bit her lip and they both moved towards each other. Quinn’s eye caught Santana’s, and the other girl gave her a sly, knowing grin. She could only give her a confused look and then Rachel was kissing her. Quinn’s heart stopped. It seemed to take forever to start beating again. She pressed back into the kiss, nibbling on Rachel’s bottom lip. A soft moan came from Rachel, and Quinn felt a wetness in her sex. She was definitely quitting celibacy club. She kissed her deeper still.
Aware that the boys were enjoying this too much, Rachel couldn’t stop kissing Quinn. She reached up and cupped the nape of Quinn’s neck, and let the other’s tongue into her mouth. Rachel hadn’t ever kissed a girl before. This was a new experience. She tugged Quinn closer, moving the bottle across the floor. She hardly noticed. It had grown quiet, and Rachel let her fingers move through Quinn’s long blonde hair, and this caused the other girl to groan. Then, all of a sudden, Quinn had pulled away and ran from the room. Dazed for a moment, Rachel sat there and then got up to hurry after her. Rachel knew that she was drunk, but she’d felt something.
Quinn was pacing in the kitchen, the party was at Santana’s house, her parents were gone. She looked up when Rachel came in. Quinn’s face was flushed, and she was running her hands through her long blonde hair. She looked at Rachel, and wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t often that she got turned on, and especially with a girl. “That…. I shouldn’t have liked that so much.” Quinn managed, her heart was pounding a mile a minute, and she couldn’t stop it. Rachel just looked back at her, waiting for her to keep talking. She let her hands fall, and then folded her arms. “I… I liked that way too much, Rachel. I can’t… my parents will burn me like a witch if they find out. I can’t do that again.”
This seemed to be a strange thing to be freaked out about. If Quinn was gay, she couldn’t change it. Rachel moved to lean on the counter, to steady herself. “I know that you might think that I don’t have the room to talk, since I have two gay dads, but Quinn, if you hide who you are, you aren’t being true to yourself. You have to be who you are, or you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. Do you want that? I mean, honestly?” Rachel asked, her words, while true, were slurred with her drunkness. She really hoped that Quinn was listening, because it was important.
Quinn turned to look at her. It sounded like it was something that could be done, but Quinn knew it couldn’t. Even if she did have to be unhappy for the rest of her life. Quinn knew what awaited her if she chose that life. She caught herself watching Rachel bite her lip, and so it only took her 15 seconds to cross to her and start kissing the other girl. Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel’s waist, and tugged the other girl closer. Her hands fell on the swell of Rachel’s tight little ass, and she definitely felt moisture between her legs. She groaned again, her lips opening to let Rachel’s tongue into her mouth.
As Rachel was pushing Quinn against the counter, it crossed her mind that she hadn’t ever done anything like this before. Not where it was this close to being sex. Real sex that she wanted, not getting knocked up sex. She could feel her own sex moistening, and she had to admit that she was turned on. Rachel let one of her hands slide up Quinn’s skirt, and rubbed her fingers on the outside of Quinn’s satin panties. This caused a breathless whimper, and Quinn wasn’t telling her no, so she pushed aside the fabric and pushed a finger inside Quinn, and Quinn rewarded her by sucking her tongue and sliding her hand up Rachel’s shirt and palmed one of Rachel’s perky tits. She was glad that Rachel didn’t wear a bra that night, because she twisted Rachel’s nipple gently and Rachel groaned with desire. She added one more finger, and the blonde arched against the counter. Despite the fact that Rachel was loving having Quinn touching her, she moved, to taking off her clothes, and then got on her knees, raking Quinn’s skirt up to her waist and pulling off the ruined satin panties. Then she carefully began to lick the slick folds of Quinn’s pussy. The other girl moaned and slid her hand onto Rachel’s head, urging her to keep going. Rachel had to admit that the fear of being caught was turning her on. She licked and sucked on Quinn’s pussy, and added one finger, trying to match her tongue’s movements.
Quinn was a puddle of jelly. She couldn’t stop now even if she wanted to. She was so incredibly turned on. Part of it may have been her baby hormones, but it also hadn’t been this good with Puck. Quinn’s breath came in pants, and she took off her shirt and bra, and then grabbed her own breasts, playing with them as Rachel’s mouth expertly ate her pussy. As the brunette let her tongue pass slowly over the getting hard knot of Quinn’s clit, she reached up and took Quinn’s left breast in her hand, cupping it and playing with the nipple. Quinn was so turned on, she knew she’d come soon. “Fuck, Berry.” She managed to gasp, her other hand on her right breast, trying to match Rachel’s movements with her left breast. She had never had such great sex. Quinn’s eyes filled with tears, this meant something. She really was into girls. She cried silently though, it would make her stop. Rachel’s tongue continued to eat her out, and Quinn could feel the orgasm coming. No pun intended. Then, she was coming, her fingers twisting in Rachel’s hair. She let out a soft whimper as Rachel licked her clean, and now she wondered if she had to do the same to Rachel. This is when Santana came in.
“WHat the hell, Lopez?!” Quinn gasped, covering herself with her shirt. She didn’t know what to say. Rachel was, to Quinn’s displeasure, not moving to put on any clothes. Quinn, who hurriedly put her clothes back on, shoved Rachel’s clothes at her. “Get your clothes on, Berry.” Quinn said, her tone a lot exasperated. She looked at the Latina, her blood boiling. “You know you did that on purpose!” Quinn really didn’t like that idea, but she was very sure it was true. Quinn did her best to keep her skirt in place. She glared back at the Cheerio, who was doing her own level best to catch attention in a skin tight red dress, sleeveless, and it fell to her thighs. She definitely looked DTF. Quinn turned her back while Rachel was getting dressed. “You… I know this is your house, and we were well… wrong, but you didn’t have to come in here while we were…. Indisposed.” She couldn’t feel anything but anger right now. Quinn didn’t know what she was going to say when Santana said something else, and she knew it was coming. Quinn kept glaring, and it was kind of ruined when Rachel moved to slip her arm through Quinn’s. Quinn was a lot taken aback by the closeness, but she wasn’t sure how to tell Rachel it was too much in front of Sanana. So she just kept giving Lopez her evil bitchface.
Smirking, Santana gave her a finger salute with both hands. “Fabray, I hate to tell you, you’ve always been a lesbian. My gaydar is impeccable, Fabray. I was debating offering to pops your cherry where girls were concerned, but I wasn’t sure if you would take me up on it or not.” Santana knew that Quinn knew about her hookups with Brittany, and that’s the only reason she was saying what she was. She knew she was a lesbian, and didn’t want to deal with it just yet. She let a smile play on her lips. “I didn’t know that hobbits were your taste.”
Rachel took great offense to being called a hobbit. “Look, Santana, I’m sorry that we had sex in your kitchen. But it just kind of happened.” She was starting to sober up a little. Rachel wasn’t sure how to process what had just happened, and having to defend herself against Santana Lopez wasn’t helping her at all right now. She swayed on her feet, and just reached out, grabbing the blonde’s arm to steady herself. She wasn’t sure of anything right now. Her brown eyes stayed on Santana. “We have to talk about this, she and I. Not you.” She knew Santana would balk at that. It was just a given.
Before her fellow Cheerio (for the moment, once Sue found out, that was over) could speak, Quinn did. “Look, Santana, she’s not wrong. This isn’t any of your business, despite where we chose to do this.” She hated that she’d done this. Rachel might not want to admit it, but Quinn was going to. This had been an incredibly stupid idea. She wanted to step away from Rachel, but she couldn’t move. She didn’t really want to try to examine why. Because she knew why. She had feelings for Rachel. There was plausible deniability for awhile, but not anymore. They’d had sex, and now she knew she had feelings.
Glaring at them, surprisingly, the other girl did leave the room. Rachel, still holding onto Quinn, turned to face the blonde. “We do need to talk about this. You say you can’t be a lesbian, or a bisexual. But Quinn, you came. I had sex with you and you enjoyed it. You can’t pretend you didn’t. I can still taste you on my tongue.” It was true, and Rachel knew from the look on Quinn’s face, that she was going to try and deny it, even though they both knew Rachel was right. “You can’t truly deny this. You can, but we both know you’ll be lying. I enjoyed it, too, Quinn.” It was true, and Rachel also had to wonder if she wanted to do it again. She may have enjoyed it but she wasn’t sure.
As much as she knew that she couldn’t deny it without lying, Quinn really wanted to. She still had doubts that she could just be who she was, and now she knew for sure, that she was into girls. And she knew for sure that she loved Rachel. Quinn made herself step away from the tiny diva, and ran both of her hands through her long blonde hair. Her life was going to explode in smithereens if she gave in to her urges. Quinn was mostly speechless, she couldn’t this time be mean to Rachel. She didn’t know how to be nice or polite to her. And now she knew why, because she’d been in love with Rachel for who knows how long. That was another thread she didn’t want to pull on. Rachel was still staring at her, and Quinn bit her lip, still not sure what she was going to say. “Rachel… I won’t lie. It was obvious I enjoyed what… we did. But my feelings… they can’t matter. I can’t be into girls. I can’t. I wish….” She broke off. Did she really wish that, or did she wish that she couldn’t feel the way she did? She took a breath. “I do have feelings for you. But I can’t act on them. I can’t do this, I can’t be with you. I’m trying to believe I can still get into heaven.”
All of what Quinn was saying sounded insane to Rachel, but she also wasn’t sure if anything that she said would get Quinn to realize that there was nothing wrong with the way she felt. Rachel did think Quinn was the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen, and she’d enjoyed the sex. She was looking at Quinn now, and she still wanted to kiss Quinn. Rachel was willing to see where this went. To see if she had feelings for the other girl. Rachel was Jewish and had two dads. Hell didn’t exist for her and her mind was open to new things. She folded her arms and looked up into those hazel eyes. “You can’t deny the truth, Quinn. You enjoyed that and you have feelings for me. If you try and ignore it, you aren’t going to feel happy. It won’t work and you’ll be miserable. You have to know that you can’t change who you are inside, as much as you might want to. And who says that you’re not going to go to heaven if you date girls? You cannot change who you are meant to be, who you’re supposed to be. You are who you are, Quinn. You were born that way. You know that, right? You are trying to deny who you were born to be.” Rachel really hoped that Quinn was listening to her words. She didn’t know that she could live with herself if she didn’t try and help Quinn see that she would be okay if she owned who she was.
Tears were brushing her eyes. Quinn knew that she couldn’t do this. She couldn’t be this. She hung her head, letting her hair fall over her shoulders. Her voice was quiet as she spoke. “Rachel, I know you believe all of that. I won’t try and convince you that you’re wrong. You need to believe that. I get it. But let’s say you’re right, and I will still go to heaven, as into girls. But that doesn’t…. My parents will still kill me. I won’t have anywhere to go, Rachel. My sister Frannie will just agree with them. She’s my only other family. I can’t lose all of that. I can’t. It’s my whole life, you get that, don’t you? They’re already going to want to disown me because of the….” She realized that Rachel didn’t know about the baby yet. But she also thought it wasn’t going to matter, she was going to be showing soon anyway. She kept her head down, she couldn’t look the other girl in the eye. “You have the freedom to be gay or bisexual, Rachel. I don’t. I can’t be gay. Even if it maybe was how I was born. I can’t. It will ruin everything. And the baby I’m carrying is already going to do that.” A gasp left Rachel. “I have to go, Rachel. I can’t do this with you, I can’t be a couple.” And then she walked out.
Tears brushed Rachel’s eyes. She had just lost her virginity and Quinn was walking away. She brushed tears off her cheeks. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Q uinn was supposed to say she’d try to be with Rachel. She wished so much that Quinn would be brave and try. She started crying harder, her shoulders shaking. Someone asked her if she was okay, but she didn’t know for sure who it was, and she only mumbled something and left the room. Tina Cohen Chang had been Rachel’s ride, but she didn’t live far, and she decided to walk home. Her movements were on autopilot, and she moved towards the door, getting her jacket on the way.
Two weeks later
Quinn was kicked off the cheerleading squad. She was standing in the hallway wearing actual clothes instead of her uniform. Her long hair hung down and off her face with a barrette. She had had her whole life blown apart. Rachel hadn’t spoken to her since that night. Quinn didn’t blame her. She was on her way to her locker. Was she even really with Finn anymore? She didn’t know for sure. Quinn started down the hall, walking to her locker. She felt eyes on her, and it wasn’t the same as it had been back when she was on top. Quinn didn’t know if she was ever going to get back to her real life. It wasn’t going to be any time soon.
When she was done at her locker, she had to get to glee. Almost as soon as she’d gotten there and taken her seat, Rachel had gone up front to sing.
My heart moves at the speed of light
But the exit signs always on my mind, always in my sight
I can say, I really want to stay, but the devil inside
Always gets his way
There is something that I gotta say
It’s disgusting how I love you
God, I hate me, I could kill you
‘Cause you’re messing up my name
Gotta walk my talk my fame
But I just want to touch your face
It’s disgusting how you changed me
From a bandit to a baby
Thinking about gotta change my name
If I’m gonna walk this walk of shame
Look what you do to me
Chapter by chapter
I’m falling faster and faster
Hit the eject button but it
Must be stuck, something’s up
What did you slip in my drink
As Rachel kept singing, Quinn knew, she just knew , that Rachel was singing this about her. A look of panic tried to take over her face, and she worked to keep it at bay. Quinn wondered if Rachel was about to out her. If she was honestly going to tell everyone she loved Quinn. Everyone kept glancing at her and Finn, trying to see their reactions.
When Rachel finished, her brown eyes met the blonde’s. She didn’t know what had made her do this. She had to know how Rachel felt. Even if she wasn’t trying to force Quinn’s hand. Despite what Quinn might think. She made sure to clarify that it wasn’t for Finn that she’d sung the song for. No one seemed to believe her, but she knew that Quinn did. They were still looking at each other, and to Rachel, it felt like they were the only ones in the entire room. She felt goosebumps on her arms, and she finally had to break the gaze to go and sit down. She peeked back at Quinn once more. The blonde was pale as a sheet. Rachel gave her a small smile, a hopeful smile.
As soon as glee club was over, Quinn waited until everyone had left an grabbed Rachel’s arm. “What the hell, Rachel?! Why did you do that?! Were you trying to make me come out before I’m ready?!” Quinn knew that Rachel hadn’t been deliberately trying, but she could have been subconsciously. It wasn’t fair, that she’d done that. Quinn clutched her books to her chest, adjusting her bookbag too, her hands were shaking. She was shaking from total and utter fear. Her hazel eyes took in Rachel’s face, the other girl was just calmly looking back at her. It was maddening.
Keeping her tone even, Rachel started to answer her questions. “I wasn’t trying to do anything but tell you how I feel. I would never force you to come out. That is not something that should ever happen to anyone. I especially wouldn’t do it because I have two gay dads. I know how damaging that would be to you. I couldn’t not tell you how I felt, though. You have to know. I love you, Quinn. You are the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen. You are so talented, you don’t use your voice enough. And you’re so smart. You are amazing. I don’t know why you’re too afraid to be yourself. You are amazing the way you truly are.”
“How can I…” Quinn started to say, and then Rachel’s mouth was on hers, and she was kissing her. Sliding her arms around Quinn’s waist, and pulling her closer. Quinn moaned, powerless to stop her. Quinn could do nothing but kiss back. She was feeling heady, breathless. Her lungs burned, and Quinn broke the kiss to breathe. Her books had fallen to the floor. She didn’t care. Quinn stayed pressed close to the tiny diva, and she couldn’t stop looking into those eyes. Quinn didn’t know what to say. Rachel was being so very calm, but a slight smug look was on her face. She tried to formulate her thoughts. Quinn’s breath was coming in pants and gasps.
Taking a deep breath, Quinn spoke. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “You… you know what you kissing me does to me. You…” She broke off, the kiss was still making her lightheaded. She’d never been kissed like that, only by Rachel. Quinn knew that it was a sign she was exactly what Rachel kept on insisting that she was. It was almost too much. Quinn took a deep breath and started speaking again. She said, “It doesn’t matter how much I love kissing you. How much I love you. Because I can’t be with you. I can’t.” Even as she looked at Rachel, her resolve crumbling. It was hard to keep saying that she couldn’t be with Rachel, when she was still pushed up against her.
Rachel reached up to cup Quinn’s jaw and kept her gaze. “I love you, Quinn. I don’t know when it happened, but I do. I need to be with you. You can’t turn off your feelings. Even if you want to. You are perfect the way you are, Quinn. You and I will be great together. I see you as you really are, and you know that no one else sees the real you. Why aren’t you embracing that?”
Quinn let out a shaky breath, and then she kissed Rachel, deeply, sucking on her tongue. They both groaned. Quinn knew, with that kiss, that she had to do this, she had to be with Rachel. Because maybe no one was ever going to love her like Rachel did. And maybe that really and truly was okay.
Author’s note: Happy belated B-Day, Q. You are the Yang to my Grey, the Santana to my Brittany, the Emma to my Regina, the Cara to my Kahlan. And if you were anything like Rachel, you’d be the Rachel to my Quinn. In a way, you are, because you help me be me by being yourself. I hope you liked. It was all for you.