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On the brink

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Clarke begged and screamed for Bellamy to come back. To not ruin the last part of her that clung to humanity. But as his footsteps faded, leaving her locked in a room handcuffed, for the 2nd time. That hope faded and the last bit of feeling within Clarke was snuffed out. It had taken a while. Ever since coming to the ground, Clarke had had to make many difficult decisions. Each time someone had died because of her actions, Clarke had found herself growing a little more distant. A little colder. Bellamy had become almost an obsession to her over the past years. Her feelings for him had always been strong, whether it was love or hate, and she had clung to those to keep her human. Many of her decisions in the last months before primfaya had been solely based on what she had to do to keep him alive. Even letting him open the bunker door. It wasn’t to save anyone else, she didn’t give a damn about them any more. But she couldn’t kill Bellamy, she knew if she did that she would truly become a monster. She had thought that her fight was over when she saw the rocket take off without her, and to be honest she had been glad. She didn’t want to become what she knew she was becoming, but she didn’t know how to stop it.
When she survived she had clung to the thought of Bellamy even tighter, had taken in the girl Madi because she knew it was something Bellamy would expect of her. And somehow, those peaceful years in the valley had started to heal her. She had begun to feel affection for Madi, and to appreciate being alive. Bellamy was always there in her mind though. After six years had passed, she had felt her hopes start to dim, and by the time the ship came down she was just going through the motions, only really coming alive around Madi, who had somehow managed to breathe life into the small flames that were Clarkes remaining emotions. But the ship wasn’t Bellamy, and Clarke knew she had to protect Madi, the last good thing in her life. Even if it cost hers. After they started torturing her she was just waiting to die, and then Bellamy arrived. It was like her world of grey had burst into colour when she saw him standing there. When he bargained for her life she knew she was just as important to him as he was to her, and she had fought to live again.
Then they joined the others. Clarke remembered how she had felt about them once, the joy and pain she had felt alongside them. But now there was just an empty pit inside her where her emotions used to be. She knew what to say and do, but again it was all to hide how bad it had gotten from Bellamy, to keep him safe and happy. When she saw his reunion with Echo, she felt rage. She hadn’t felt so much in a long time and it scared her, so she focused on Madi, even if she had lost Bellamy she had Madi right?
Then came Octavia who tried to steal Madi from her. She tried to keep her safe, tried to explain to Bellamy why they had to keep her safe. She was desperate now, she made choices that she knew might be wrong logically, but she needed to keep Madi safe. And now Bellamy had killed the last bit of hope she had. With his one sentence he had removed her from his family and in the process he had killed her feelings for him, and lost any hope she had for Madi.
When Clarke raised herself off the ground, she was a different person. No longer weighed down by emotions and guilt, no longer bound to anyone, obligated to keep anyone safe. Now her only priority was her survival. And if she had to kill every other human still alive on this planet she would do it without hesitation.
Clarke looked around. Finding a small piece of wood hidden behind the pipe, she started to work at it with her teeth. Ripping at it until she had a sharp point. Using this she made a jagged cut on her wrist, not deep enough to bleed out, but enough to bleed and look good. She laid down on the ground facing the door, arranging her hair so it shielded her eyes, and waited. After some time, long enough that she had to recut her wrist as the wound had started to clot, the door opened. A guard bringing her some food. He saw her lying on the floor and dropped the tray, calling out something sharply to someone outside. He then approached cautiously before kneeling next to Clarke to check her pulse. She surged up as he bent down, wrapped her chains around his neck and twisted sharply. She heard a snap as he collapsed and quickly searched him for keys. She found them and freed herself before searching the body and taking his weapons. She went and stood behind the door as rushing feet came towards her. Two people burst in through the door, stopping as they saw the body on the floor. Clarke stepped up behind them and hit one over the head, knocking him out, before slitting the throat of the other who had started to turn towards her. She debated killing the one she had knocked out but didn’t in the end. She couldn’t waste any more time here. She left the room hurriedly and headed towards the rover.
Bellamy walked away from the room with a heavy heart, he could hear Clarke begging behind him, the desperation in her voice slowing his steps, and making him want to turn back. But he couldn’t. He had to save his people, to save her. She would understand in time, and would forgive him. She always forgave him, even if it slowly killed him inside until she did. When Madi said she wouldn’t forgive him, a part of him was afraid she was right, but this was something he had to do. When Octavia burst in on him after he had put the flame in Madi, he had listened in disbelief as she had ordered the death of the girl. They had managed to stop her somehow, he could do this much for Clarke, but were thrown in the dungeon to await the arena. When Madi woke up she was different, speaking to the guards in the Commanders voice, and gaining their loyalty. When they took them to the Arena, the guards had protected Madi as she spoke to the crowds and gained their loyalty. There was a bloody battle as those few who remained steadfastly loyal to Bloodreina fought, but they were soon overwhelmed, and with Octavia still weak from the poisoning she was in no condition to fight. When Bellamy had demanded they release Clarke, eager for her to see how the situation had been resolved, Octavia started laughing.
“What?” Bellamy demanded, a bad feeling growing in his stomach.
“Clarke isn’t here” Octavia replied smirking.
“What do you mean she’s not here, what did you do?” Bellamy snarled.
“Me? I did nothing, She escaped all on her own, killed two guards and left with the rover.”
“Impossible.” Bellamy breathed, “Clarke would never leave Madi.”
“Oh I don’t know big brother, The guard who survived said she killed the other two guards without hesitation. Maybe she’s had enough of being the good guy. Maybe she’s finally snapped? Who knows?” Octavia kept laughing, a creepy hoarse laughter without any joy in it and Bellamy swung around to leave. Unable to stand it any more.
“Maybe you finally broke her!” Octavia shouted after him, but he shook his head. Something must have happened, Clark wouldn’t abandon Madi, abandon him. She had always been a fighter.
Clarke had headed towards her clearing. She knew the Elgius crew were there, but she needed supplies, and she needed her maps. She had decided to return to Becca’s lab for a while. Maybe she could find somewhere else to live, this green patch of earth was too crowded, and she would face a lot more resistance if she stayed here. Leaving for a while was best. If she couldn’t find anywhere else, she could come back after the two sides had their war. There would be less people she would need to kill that way.
As she crept through the trees towards her cabin she encountered a few guards, she managed to avoid them where she could, but where she couldn’t she took them out as quickly and silently as she could. All her medical knowledge was useful in helping her find fatal spots to target. She knew she wouldn’t have long before the bodies would be noticed so she had to be quick. She entered the cabin quickly and grabbed a bag, filling it with clothes, food, water and art supplies. What? She was planning on being alone for a while and it would pass the time. As she moved to leave she heard voices, It was Raven and her mother speaking in hushed tones. She couldn’t leave without being seen by them but she decided to take a gamble. She knew they probably wouldn’t turn her in given their emotional ties to her but she tried to sneak past anyway. When she heard Abby gasp however she knew she’d been caught. She straightened up and turned towards them “Abby, Raven.” She nodded at them and turned to go.
“Wait, Clarke! Why are you here? What are you doing?” Abby said.
Clarke turned again and motioned her to be quiet frowning. “I’m here to get some supplies, and now I’m leaving.” She replied simply.
“What about the others? Are they Okay? Are they with you?” Abby asked.
“Don’t know, they’re not with me, they were fine last I saw” Clarke turned to leave again and Abby reached out to catch her arm. She shook her off and noticed Raven staring at her quizzically. Abby reached out again but this time Raven stopped her. “Somethings wrong. You’re not going back to the others are you Clarke?”
“You always were the smartest one in the room Raven” Clarke said with a small smile. “You’re right, I’m leaving the valley, I’ll look for somewhere else to live, tell the others not to bother looking for me if you see them.”
“What’s wrong?” Raven asked, still keeping hold of Abby. “You’re different, what about Bellamy?”
“I decided not to be responsible for you all anymore. You’re adults now, figure things out for yourselves. As for me, I’m leaving, I don’t care anymore, and if you get in my way, I’ll take you out.”
Clarke turned and left, hearing Raven’s sharp intake of breath. “What happened to you Clarke? You sound like a monster. Six years can’t have changed you this much.”
Clarke smirked. “I was well on my way to becoming a monster before primfaya Raven, It’s just none of you noticed because you were all so wrapped up in your own pain. Bellamy kept me going, kept me human, even through those six years. But he said it himself, I’m not his family anymore, and he took Madi from me. So now there’s nothing holding me back. Now I’m free, no more bearing the burden for you lot. You can clean up your own damn messes. If you’re that curious as to what happened to me. Ask Bellamy, and here’s a warning, for old times sake. If I can’t find somewhere else to live, I will be back. At that time, I suggest you give me a place to stay and leave me alone. Otherwise there will be blood.” And this time she left.
After Onekru turned their allegiance to Madi, Bellamy was busy sorting out plans to make peace with the Elgius crew. He and Indra tried to guide Madi to make peace, but she listened more to the commanders in her head. She told him once that she listened to him because Lexa trusted Clarke, and Clarke trusted him. The other commanders told her love was a weakness, but she loved Clarke, and it saddened her that she didn’t know where she was.
One of the conditions of the peace was the dividing of the valley. They would share resources like the river and food, but living places were separate for now. There was a lot of bad blood between the two camps. The prisoners were released on the condition that medical help would be given to anyone who needed it, and a small neutral zone was set up between the two camps were a medical tent was set up for any ill or injured. When Raven returned to the group they were overjoyed to see her, but she was downcast. She pulled Bellamy aside to talk and explained what had happened while she was there. From Echo’s betrayal, to Abby’s addiction, and finally her encounter with Clarke.
“It was bad Bellamy, It was like she wasn’t even Clarke anymore. It was like she didn’t care about anyone or anything. What happened to her?”
“I don’t know Raven. She asked me to take care of Madi, but then she got arrested and the only way I could save her, save all of us was to put the flame into Madi. We managed to get Onekru to follow the Commander, but by the time we had, Clarke was gone.”
“Clarke said you took Madi from her. She said you were the only thing keeping her human, that now she didn’t have to bear our burdens. What did she mean? She said if she came back to give her room to live and leave her alone. Or there would be blood.” Raven looked scared, she and Clarke had always had a weird friendship. But one thing was true, even when Raven had hated her, Clarke had always fought to be her friend.
Bellamy rubbed his hands through his hair frustrated. “I don’t know Raven, Clarke will come back. She’s mad at me right now, but she always comes back.”
“Maybe not this time.” A voice said. Bellamy and Raven turned to see Madi walking up to them. “Lexa has showed me some things I think you need to know.”
They walked back to Madi’s tent and sat down. Madi sighed deeply. “After Clarke refused to go back to Arkadia with you guys, after the summit she and Lexa talked.” She shot a glance at Bellamy who flinched at the memory. “She told Lexa she was afraid. Afraid of what was happening to her.” Bellamy frowned. “What-“ Madi interrupted. “Let me finish. Clarke told Lexa that each time she killed, she lost a part of herself. That she was losing the ability to feel, to care for people. At that time she said the only people she really cared about were Lexa, Bellamy, the 100 and her mother. She only protected the rest of her people because they were important to you, and it made sense to keep the peace as you would be in danger during a war. But she had no real feelings for any other humans except a select few. After Lexa died there was one less. Clarke didn’t have the flame in her head for long so I didn’t get her memories, But I did get some impressions off her. The main one was coldness. She is so cold inside, with only a few sparks of light. Each of those sparks represented a person she cared for, and if those sparks went out. There would be nothing, I’m not even sure you could call her human.” Madi looked sad. “In a way she was right. I’m not the same Madi I used to be, I’m something more, but if she believes I’m gone, and that you betrayed her. We may just have made her the monster she was afraid of becoming.”
“No.” Bellamy stated. “Clarke is stronger than that, she will keep fighting. And when she understands that you are still you, and that we did the right thing, she will come back. She was able to get close to you right? She’s not completely gone yet.”
“Maybe not. But looking back on it, it took her a long time to truly care for me. When we first met I was half wild, and so starved for human company I didn’t notice anything wrong. But now that I have these memories of her I can see she was just going through the motions for a while. The only time I really saw her express emotion was when she was talking to you.”
“Wait, what? Talking to me?” Bellamy asked.
“Mmmm.” Madi nodded. “every day for six years, she called you on the radio. She always believed you were alive, she told me stories about you all. You were always the Hero. She didn’t tell me many stories about herself. I know those only from Lexa. But after a few years she warmed up to me, I think the peace was good for her. But it didn’t last, and now she’s gone.”
Bellamy stood up “I have to find her, talk some sense into her.”
Madi stood up as well “Do you know where she would go?”
“Becca’s lab maybe.” Raven said. “But you might not like what you find Bellamy. She looked at me, at her mother like we were strangers. Strangers who she wouldn’t hesitate to kill.” She shook her head. “It might be better to let her go.”
“I can get through to her, I know I can.” Bellamy said stubbornly. “Commander.” He turned formal, nodding at Madi. “if I have your permission?”
Madi nodded “Go, find her, and bring her home. Tell her she hasn’t lost us, tell her, it was my decision.”
Bellamy smiled and left.
Clarke had been in Becca’s lab for a couple of days when he found her. She’d been trying to use the satellites to find another green spot on earth. She knew it was a long shot but it would be easier that way. When she heard him enter the building calling her name she cursed. Of course he came to look for her, he was as foolishly sentimental as she had once been. Unluckily for him she wasn’t that lovesick girl anymore and he was in her way. She picked up her knives and headed out to see him.
He looked up as he saw her and smiled in relief starting towards her. She held up a hand “Stop” He halted. “Didn’t Raven give you my message?” she asked.
“Yes but” Bellamy started.
“I told you all to stay out of my way or there would be blood. Why are you here?” Clarke spoke over him.
“Clarke, I know you’re angry, but Madi’s fine. We made peace, and you can come back to the valley.” Bellamy tried to explain.
“I’m not angry.” Replied Clarke calmly. “You chose the most logical option to save everyone. I couldn’t see that at the time because I was too emotionally attached. But I’m over that now. If you have made peace that’s fine. I haven’t found anywhere else to live yet so I can come back. But it’s better if you don’t expect to much from me. I will find a place to live, and you will tell the others to leave me alone. I no longer have any ties to any of you. You get it?” He wouldn’t get it she knew. But they would figure it out quickly enough. And if they didn’t, she would kill a few until they got the picture.
Bellamy nodded. “Ok, we’ll give you time, but your mum and Madi will want to see you.”
“Fine I’ll talk to them. And I don’t need time. I just need space.”
And with that they returned to camp.
When they returned Clarke spoke to the others. They tried to connect with her, give hugs, and ask about her experiences, but she kept her answers short and simple. She found a place to live above the waterfall and was careful to hide it. She refused to tell anyone where she lived, and avoided human contact for the most part. The others sought her out sometimes but after a while most gave up. Not Bellamy though and she was getting to the point where she was tempted to kill him to get rid of him. It was irritating, like a fly constantly buzzing around her head trying to get her attention. He kept reaching out, trying to make her feel something, pointing out that she’d let him and Madi in once, so she could do it again.
Finally she had had enough. After he’d caught her fishing one day she’d tried ignoring him until she couldn’t any longer. She turned on him “When are you going to get that I don’t care anymore? I let Madi in because I still had emotions, mostly for you. But those are gone now. You killed them, and you can’t restart a fire if there’s nothing to light the flame. You don’t like the way I am now? Deal with it, you created a monster, congratulations, and if you annoy me one more time, I won’t bother being nice anymore.”

Bellamy was growing desperate. At first when he’d convinced Clarke to return to the valley he’d been full of hope. He thought that given time Clarke would soften, that she’d open up. But after seeing her interact with the others a dread had grown in his heart. There was nothing there, no spark of life, no joy or fear, just a cold indifference. The others had all tried to reach out to her, but she’d avoided them physically and emotionally. Once she’d found a place to stay she’d disappeared and she could only be found when she was out hunting or gathering supplies. No one knew where she lived and she was very careful to throw off any trackers before returning home. Eventually the other had stopped trying, even Madi. He’d asked her about it one day and she’d shrugged. “Most of the commanders say that love is weakness. They approve of Clarkes attitude. Lexa is sad, but there’s not much we can do now. Why do you try so hard?”
“It’s Clarke, and I can’t lose her, I helped do this to her and I have to make it right.”
“You may not be able to save her Bellamy.” Madi replied. “There have been others like her over the years, the commanders remember. They lose something in war and when they return, they either leave to live alone or become dangerous. Most had to be executed after hurting or killing other clan members. Maybe you should leave her alone. I don’t want to have to kill her for hurting you. But if you do see her again, give her a message for me. Life should be about more than just surviving.”
Bellamy hadn’t believed her then, but after his last conversation with Clarke he was starting to. He didn’t want to give up on her, she’d sacrificed so much for everybody else, it felt wrong to leave her to live like this. Almost like he was leaving her to die again. And he couldn’t do that. So he vowed to try, one more time. And if she killed him, so be it. He owed her his life, and nobody here really needed him anymore. He could do this one last thing for them.
Bellamy headed out without speaking to anyone. Octavia had tried to speak to him, but he wasn’t ready to talk to her. Maybe once Clarke was better, then he could sort out his emotions concerning the sister who had tried to kill him. She had softened he knew, had put down the mantle of power to follow the commander. She hadn’t had a choice, but the grounders still feared her, and on some level so did he.
He headed towards the river, Clarke often seemed to be around here, and he had a hunch her home was near. As he got closer he heard sounds of fighting. He moved faster and reached the source of the sound in minutes. Clarke was fighting a group of prisoners. No, not fighting. She was slaughtering them with cold efficiency. A group of about five had attacked her and 3 were already dead. As he watched she killed the fourth and the last one tried to run. She threw a knife hitting him in the leg so he fell. She walked up to him, pulled the knife out of his leg and stabbed him in the heart. She then wiped the blade on his body, stood up and gathered the supplies she must have dropped and walked off. Bellamy felt chills run down his spine. She had been so calm, so dispassionate while killing them, she showed no remorse or guilt afterwards and had carried on about her day as if it were a normal occurrence. He felt defeated. Maybe she was gone for good. He turned back to camp, shoulders slumped. He couldn’t save Clarke, in fact he was the reason they’d lost her. Things had worked out for everyone else, but he felt empty, what was the point? He had a way of letting the people he loved turn into monsters. First Octavia, and now Clarke, he didn’t have anything left. He was poisonous to the people around him. Maybe they would be better off without him.
Clarke had noticed Bellamy watching. When he turned away without approaching her she decided to follow him. Maybe he had truly given up on her? Clarke didn’t know why but her stomach was feeling a little uncomfortable. Maybe she’d eaten some bad berries. She followed Bellamy until he reached camp and was about to leave when she saw him hesitate, and then bypass the camp altogether. What was he doing? Clarke was about to leave but something made her keep going. She followed Bellamy at a distance until he reached a clearing and sat down against a tree. She watched him sit for a while, head in his hands, and then saw him take out his pistol. He studied it for a while and then held it underneath his chin and closed his eyes. Clarke stepped out from behind the trees at this and asked. “What are you doing?”
Bellamy startled, opening his eyes. “Why are you here?” he snapped.
“I followed you.” Clarke replied.
“Why?” Bellamy asked.
“You’re avoiding answering my question”
“So are you.”
“Fine. I saw you leave and followed you, I wanted to see if you had finally given up.”
“I have.” Bellamy looked defeated. “And now I’ve given up on everything. So leave me alone.”
“You’re not supposed to die. You’re supposed to be stronger than me.” Clarke cocked her head at him.
“I was stronger with you Clarke, and now, I have nothing left.”
“You have Octavia, Echo, your friends, and you made peace on earth with Madi. You have lots to live for.” Clarke didn’t understand.
“And what about you? You had everything to fight for and you gave up!” Bellamy yelled back frustrated.
“I was always weaker than you Bellamy. I couldn’t handle the things I had to do and I relied on you to support me. It may have been unfair, but when I lost you I lost my hope for the future, and that’s what killed me.”
“But you’re not dead. You’re standing right there and refusing to fight! God, it might have been better if you died. I tried so hard to save you and lost you anyway.”
“You tried to save me?” Clarke questioned
“Yes, look, I know you didn’t want Madi to take the flame, but is was necessary. She was able to convince Onekru to make peace with the Elgius crew. This is all because of her Clarke. She isn’t gone, she’s just got more knowledge than she used to.”
“I know.” Said Clarke. “But I didn’t want her childhood stolen from her like ours. As the commander she will always be in charge, always watching her back for those who want to kill her and steal her power. She can never fully trust anyone ever again, because she has the memories of the commanders who have been betrayed by those they trust. They will tell her love is weakness, and she will come to believe that. She will live the rest of her life alone. And I didn’t want that for her. But yes, for the future of the human race, what you did was the right choice. I forgive you if that makes you feel better.”
“But do you really? You say you can’t feel anything, so how can you feel forgiveness.” Bellamy asked.
“I can’t feel the emotions no. But I also can’t feel the emotions that made me angry in the first place, and I understand and agree with why you did it. Is that not a sort of forgiveness within itself?”
Bellamy stood up to be on an equal level with her. “No. I want you to forgive me, to feel the emotions and work through them. To rage at me and hate me if you have to, but to be you Clarke, not this emotionless robot thing you have going on here!”
Clarke sighed. “I can’t be that person anymore Bellamy. Why do you want me to be in pain? I’m content as I am. Leave it be.”
“You’re not content Clarke, you’re existing. That’s not life. Madi told me to remind you that life should be about more than just surviving.”
Clarke flinched, a visible movement as if she had been struck a blow. Bellamy saw this and hope reignited in him. That had been a reaction, an emotional one to something he had said. And if she could react once, then her emotions weren’t gone, just buried way down deep where they couldn’t hurt her anymore. He silently apologized to Clarke because he knew this was going to hurt, bad, but he had to bring her back.
Clarke turned away. “I’m fine, and tell Madi thanks, but Lexa has no hold on me anymore.”
As she started to walk away Bellamy panicked. He couldn’t lose her again! Then he realized, if she didn’t care why had she stopped him from killing himself? That wasn’t logical, it was an emotional reaction coated in logic. ‘Oh well desperate times etc.’ So he picked up the gun he had dropped and said “If you leave now, I’ll go through with it.”
He saw Clarke pause, studied her body and saw her hands clench before she spun around. “Why would that stop me? I have no emotional connection to you any longer.”
‘And yet you stopped’ thought Bellamy. “Just answer one question for me, and then you can leave.”
“Fine” Clarke huffed.
“Why did you stop me?”
“What do you mean?”
“You could have stood and watched me kill myself, hell you didn’t have to follow me in the first place. So why did you interrupt me? There is no logical reason for you to want to keep me alive.”
Clarke paused. “I, I don’t know. You are a leader for the people who are left, they shouldn’t lose their leader, it would be detrimental to their survival.”
Bellamy shook his head. “There is no more war, and I’m not a diplomat, that was your area Clarke. And Madi is their commander, I have no position of power in this new world.”
“But people listen to you, and you have friends who would miss you. And a lover who cares for you. Also the gene pool needs as many people to contribute to it as possible to stop genetic anomalies from inbreeding.”
“People don’t need to listen to me anymore Clarke, yes I have friends who might miss me but that shouldn’t concern you, Echo and I are no longer together, and if you were really concerned about the gene pool you would have to contribute yourself at one point.”
He noticed Clarkes fists tightening a little with each rebuttal. “Why does it matter? Kill yourself if you want to, I’m leaving” and she turned to leave again.
“Very well, goodbye Clarke” and Bellamy cocked the gun putting it under his chin as he watched her leave. She hesitated, her hand going to her stomach and face grimacing.
“I think I may be ill. My stomach hurts” Clarke said turning around. “Take me to Abby first.”
Bellamy grinned. “Honey, you’re not ill, you just don’t want me to die, and it’s physically hurting because you refuse to let your emotions out.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, I don’t care if you die…” Clarke broke off and curled up in pain. “It hurts, take me to medical now!”
“No Clarke, I need you to work through this.” Bellamy crouched down beside her. “I need you to let your emotions out. They’re still in there and I know it’s scary, but you have to come back to us now.”
“NO! I won’t! I don’t want to hurt anymore, take me to Abby!” Clarke snarled as she tried to stand.
“I’m sorry Clarke, but I need you. We need each other. And I need you to keep your promise.”
“My promise?” Clarke panted.
“Yes, we promised to do this together. I won’t let you leave me Clarke.”
“I didn’t leave you Bellamy!” Clarke spat, “You left me remember, you said I wasn’t a part of your family anymore, and left to destroy the one person I had left!” It was like a dam had burst somewhere inside and everything came rushing at her at once. She curled up on the ground, almost screaming as she drowned in her emotions. Pain, fear, anger, sadness, guilt. So much guilt. Guilt for the lives she’d taken, both before and after she’d buried her emotions. Guilt for Madi, for letting her take the flame, and conversely guilt for not wanting her to even though objectively she knew it had been the best option. Guilt for the way she had been treating her friends, and guilt for what she’d almost driven Bellamy to do, what she’d told him to do. Oh God Bellamy, and here came the rage. She sprung upwards, realizing Bellamy had been holding her, stroking her hair as she cried, speaking softly to her. Somewhere she felt grateful that he had managed to break through to her, that he had cared enough to fight for her. But right now she was angry. She pushed him away, hitting at him as he tried to hold her to calm her down. “You! You left me there! You broke your promise! I trusted you!” And she was back to crying, sagging limply into Bellamy’s arms “Why? You were the one person I trusted the most. After everything, Why?”
Bellamy held Clarke tightly, his heart breaking for her. She jumped quickly from emotion to emotion, running through them quickly as though to make up for lost time. He didn’t fight her when she raged, hitting his chest with anger in her eyes, he just waited for it to pass and then held her as she cried. All he could do was hold her as he whispered “I’m sorry Clarke, I’m so sorry” over and over, not knowing if she heard him. When she wore herself out and fell asleep in his arms he rose. Taking her in his arms in a princess carry he walked slowly back to camp. He avoided people where he could and laid Clarke down in his tent to rest sitting next to her and watching over her. A thought kept nagging in his mind. Clarke had said he said she wasn’t a part of his family. That couldn’t be true, he would never say that. He ran over the last few conversations they had had in his mind. Finally he recalled his words. “Echo, Raven, Murphy, and Emori are my family.” Yes, but he hadn’t meant that Clarke wasn’t part of his family anymore. Just that he needed to do what was best for everyone they loved, not just for her and Madi. But she hadn’t taken it that way. His heart felt heavy as he looked at the girl in his bed. She believed he had abandoned her, and she couldn’t stand the pain, so she had forced herself to stop feeling. He had always loved Clarke, and believed she loved him. But after he thought she was dead, he had moved on. She had never given up on them and when he returned with Echo, it was different. Bellamy winced at the thought of Echo. He wasn’t very good at relationships, he tended to end up hurting the ones he loved. Look at Gina, Clarke, Echo… When he had returned to earth he had still loved Clarke, but he had a relationship with Echo. And while things had gone to hell quickly on the ground, it wasn’t until the truce had been called that he’d had time to sit with Echo and talk. He’d been willing to work on his relationship with her. But she’d just smiled sadly and stated that things had changed. The biggest being Clarke was still alive, and while Clarke was in his heart, there was limited room for others. She’d said goodbye and moved on, but he had been left searching for a way to reach Clarke. He hated that bringing her back meant hurting her. He wasn’t sure if she could forgive him really, not for leaving her, breaking his promise, or hurting her so badly she’d had to retreat like she’d done and hide all of her emotions to cope with the bad ones.
Bellamy startled as the tent flap lifted. It was Monty he stopped with one foot inside the tent frozen as he saw Clarke. He looked towards Bellamy and he motioned him outside, standing up to join him. “What happened?” Monty whispered as soon as he was out.
“I think I got through to her.” Bellamy said quietly. “But it’s gonna be rough, she hasn’t been letting herself feel anything, and it was overwhelming at first, she couldn’t control her emotions. It’s going to be tough for her to see everyone again. Can you let them know? Tell them not to disturb her, she’ll come out when she’s ready.”
Monty nodded an amazed and happy grin spreading across his face and then he sprinted off. Bellamy went back into the tent and sat down next to Clarke again. He found himself nodding off and lay down on Monty’s bunk. He could crash with Harper, he did most nights anyway. It had been a long day, for both of them.
Bellamy woke to Clarkes whimpers, She thrashed on the bed and starting crying, “No, no please I’ll do anything!” He sat up quickly and went to her side sitting next to her on the bunk. He stroked her hair as he soothed her and she slowly calmed down. When he went to move away though she frowned and grabbed his wrist. Helplessly Bellamy lay down next to her and covered them both with the Blanket before wrapping her in his arms. Then he fell back to sleep.
This time Bellamy woke as he was shoved off the bed, hitting the ground with a thump. “Oww” he complained looking up at Clarke who was glaring at him from the bed. “What was that for?”
“Why were you in my bed?” Clarke growled.
“You had a bad dream, I was helping you out and you grabbed my arm, wouldn’t let go, what was I supposed to do?” Bellamy shrugged as he tried to act casual.
“Wake me up? Your girlfriend wouldn’t be very happy about us sleeping together.”
Bellamy grinned. “I told you yesterday, I don’t have a girlfriend.” At the mention of yesterday Bellamy cursed himself. He could see Clarkes eyes widen as she remembered what had happened. Saw her breathing start to quicken as she started to panic. “Hey! Hey, it’s Ok, we’re gonna get through this alright?” Bellamy stood up and took Clarkes hand looking her in the eyes. “We can work things out together.”
Clarkes breathing started to steady and she drew her hands away as she averted her eyes. Bellamy narrowed his as he saw her face turn into a mask. Hell no, he wasn’t letting her run away again. “I don’t think so princess.” Clarkes startled eyes shot to his. “It took a lot of effort to get you back with us, there is no way in hell I’m letting you run away again.”
“And how do you plan to stop me?” Clarke asked sarcastically “Chain me up and leave me in a locked room? I got out once, I can do it again. “Ouch, low blow princess” Bellamy rubbed his chest as if she’d hot him. But inside he was almost giddy. An angry Clarke he could handle, but he was just so happy she was back! “No, I won’t have to do anything, you’re going to stay in this tent of your own accord.”
“Even if I wanted to be around you, which I don’t. What’s going to stop me from leaving this tent?” Clarke scoffed.
“Your loving friends and family” Bellamy grinned watching as comprehension and something close to horror dawned on her face. “They all know you’re here, but I said you needed time and they will respect that. But as soon as you step out of this tent Princess you’ll be fair game for all their love and questions. And I don’t think you’re quite up for that yet.”
Clarke glared at him but didn’t disagree, instead lying back down and covering herself with the blanket. “Fine but I’m not talking to you either, and I’m hungry.”
Bellamy sept a bow towards her and said “As you wish, I shall fetch you some breakfast Milady.” He pretended not to hear the small giggle Clarke let out as he left the tent, but his smile grew bigger.
As he left the tent he noticed with amusement a few people who had found work to do that just so happened to give them a view of his tent. When they saw him emerge they dropped what they were doing and started towards him, but he motioned for them to follow as he headed towards the mess hall. After they had reached a certain distance from the tent he allowed them to catch up and held up his hand for silence as they inundated him with questions. When they fell silent he started. “Yes, Clarke is back, and I mean emotionally as well as physically. She’s had a hard time processing the change and her emotions are a bit all over the place. She’s having to learn how to cope all over again and we have to be careful that she doesn’t choose to shut down again because she can’t deal. This means try not to bring up topics that will set her off. Don’t treat her like she’s fragile though, she won’t stand for that. I expect she will get emotional easier, and she may react differently than you would expect her to. She feels a lot of stuff we can’t understand, but just be there for her if you can. For right now, she’s not ready for company, I’m going to get her something to eat. But keep a watch out Ok? She may try to run again. In fact” He let out a small grin, “there she goes right now. Madi, can you grab her some breakfast? She’ll be hungry when we get back.” And with that he waved and trotted off to where he had seen Clarke’s shadow disappearing. He followed her to the forest and let her get away from camp far enough that they wouldn’t hear the fight he knew was coming.
“Hey Princess, where’r you going?” He said as he caught up to her.
“Leave me alone Bellamy, I’m fine,” Clarke said coldly as she stalked forwards.
“Not what I asked.” Said Bellamy, “and I thought I told you I wasn’t going to let you run away again.”
Clarke turned on him. “You can’t keep me locked up! Just leave me alone! I was fine! Why did you have to ruin things!” Tears were rolling down her face now and Bellamy stepped forwards taking her into his arms as he replied. “You weren’t fine Clarke, whatever that was, it wasn’t fine. And we all miss you, we love you and want you to come home.”
Bellamy felt Clarke stiffen when he said ‘love’ She pushed out of his arms and turned her head away, trying to hide her tears as she wiped her face. “Love” she scoffed “Love hasn’t done anyone any good that I can see. It just makes you easier to hurt. Love is..” “If you say love is weakness I may have to spank you” Bellamy interrupted. Her eyes shot to his, and to his surprise she blushed a little. ‘Oh’ he thought as a grin spread across his face. “We’ll definitely come back to that Princess he all but purred. But for now, love is not a weakness. It’s what kept you strong since we came to Earth. It kept you fighting to save your friends instead of giving up on them, kept you fighting for me when I was so angry at you I did stupid things, and from what you told Lexa and Madi told me, it kept you holding on when you could have let yourself go cold long before you did.”
“And look what good that did!” Spat Clarke. “I killed a mountain full of people to save a few, good people who tried to help us along with the monsters. I tried to force Luna to take the flame when she didn’t want it. I shut down Alie so that we could be safe only to learn that in her own way she was trying to save everyone from Praimfaya. We could only save a few. I almost shot you to stop you from opening the bunker, and then after everything I was left alone. I believed you would come back, and you did, only for a new war to start, and to learn the bunker had made Octavia insane and her people with her, and I couldn’t even protect 1 person this time. What was the point if I can’t even protect 1 person?”
“Madi chose the flame because she wanted to protect you.” Reasoned Bellamy.
“She shouldn’t have had to, I was responsible for her, not the other way around!”
“Funny, that’s what I used to say about Octavia.” Bellamy gave a short laugh. "But you can’t protect everyone Clarke, especially not from themselves. You just have to accept them for who they are, and support them as best you can. And if they make the wrong choices, you forgive them, and help them make the right ones next time. That’s what you taught me.”
Clarkes shoulders dropped. “I don’t think I can do this Bellamy” she pleaded “ I can’t stand the pain. The cold may be bad, but it doesn’t hurt me.”
“But it also means you can’t feel love, happiness, joy, or any of the other good emotions Clarke. That’s not a life.” Bellamy said quickly.
“I haven’t felt those emotions in a while Bellamy, I’m not sure I deserve to.”
“Clarke, I have just as much blood on my hands as you.” Bellamy was pleading now. “If you don’t deserve to be happy, then I don’t either.”
“No Bellamy! Everything you did was to protect your sister. Even if it meant poisoning her to save her from herself. You were always trying to protect her, of course you deserve to be happy!”
“Well, I promise to try if you do.” Bellamy brought it back round to Clarke reaching out a hand to her. “Please, let’s try one more time. Together.”
Clarke looked at him for a long time before sighing in defeat. “Together” she put her hand in his and they walked back to camp.

Chapter Text

As Clarke and Bellamy headed back to camp hand in hand, Clarke could feel her doubt and guilt start to overwhelm her again. The closer they got to camp the more she started to slow down until Bellamy was walking along as she dragged slowly behind. After a bit he stopped and turned to face her with a sigh “You’re going to have to face them at some point.” He pointed out logically.
“I know!” Clarke snapped, then softened. “Just. Not yet” she pleaded. She couldn’t bear to see the anger and disappointment on their faces, or worse, their understanding and pity. They couldn’t understand, and she had no need for pity. She started to feel angry again. ‘why couldn’t she control her emotions! It was so frustrating!’
Bellamy saw her struggling and hugged her again. Stroking her hair as he said “Hey, it’s Ok. You don’t have to see anyone yet. We’ll just go back to my tent K?” Clarke breathed in the scent of him and calmed down.
Pulling away she knew her face was red “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I can’t…”
“Hey, you suppressed your feelings for a long time Clarke. It’s not surprising you need time to learn to control them again. You have always had a big heart, and now all those emotions want out.”
“You were the heart remember?” Clarke teased quietly, “I was always the head.”
“Not always” Bellamy said. "But you always felt just as deeply as I did. You just controlled yourself better.” He chuckled, “Nice to see the shoe on the other foot for once.”
Clarke smiled and then let him continue to lead her towards camp. Bellamy circled around so she could return to his tent without meeting anyone. Once there she saw some food sitting on the bed waiting for them. She looked at Bellamy and he answered “Madi.” He always had been able to read her mind. Her heart twinged at the thought of Madi, but she wasn’t ready to meet this new version of her. She wanted to remember her the way she was for just a little longer.
As she sat down to eat Bellamy crouched in front of her, suddenly serious. “I’m gonna go update the others Ok? Will you be alright for a bit?”
Clarke nodded, mouth full. “No running off this time, I would hate to have to tie you down.” Bellamy suddenly smirked as Clarke choked. “Unless you want me to of course?”
Clarke looked at him with wide eyes as various scenarios flashed through her head. Her face turned bright red as Bellamy stood up, still grinning. “Something to think about while I’m gone” and he sauntered out of the tent pleased with himself.
Clarke put down her food, suddenly much less hungry. She thought about what Bellamy had insinuated, that their relationship was going to be a lot more than platonic. She didn’t kid herself, she’s thought about it over the years, but it had never been the right time. She’d thought for a moment, before the rocket took off and she was left alone. But when he’d returned, he’d had another. And she understood. They’d been apart longer than they’d even known each other. And it got very lonely. But it hadn’t helped the distance she’d felt. But now, she shivered, did she even remember how to have a relationship with someone? Her last two had ended in the death of those she’d loved, and she didn’t want things to go wrong this time.
By the time Bellamy returned to the tent she had worked herself up and was pacing around like a caged animal. She started when he entered and caught her by the arms. “Clarke? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want you to die” She blurted out. He looked confused “why would I die Clarke, the war's over.”
“If you love me you’ll die!” Clarke chewed on her lips as she tried to shake him off, but he held her tight.
“Hey, I’ve survived this long. Do you really think I’d let a little thing like loving you kill me?”
“No! It’s not a joke Bellamy! My Dad, Wells, Finn, Lexa! They all died because they loved me! I put a knife through Finn’s heart myself!” Clarke started crying and collapsed to the ground, Bellamy supporting her.
“I’m sorry” he said. “I shouldn’t have joked about it, but we were at war then, death was a consequence of that. And they made their choices of their own free will. We are at peace now, and nobody is going to kill anybody. I will be fine. As long as we stick together.”
They sat together for a while before Bellamy helped Clarke up, sitting her on the bed and picking up the food. “Now have something to eat. You must be hungry, and I want you healthy.” Clarke looked up to see the wicked grin on his face again. “After all, can’t have you fainting while we are having” “Bellamy!” Clarke yelped and he held his hands up in surrender. “As you wish Princess.”
When Bellamy had left the tent to update the others he had been smiling. For the first time in a long time his heart was light, and he had hope for the future. He knew they weren’t out of the woods yet, but Clarke was back and had seemed, receptive, to his advances. He’d learnt from the last how many times? He wasn’t going to wait any longer to claim Clarke as his own. Bellamy had always been dominant in the sex department and when he’d first been attracted to Clarke had worried that she wouldn’t be able to accept that and would fight him for control. But now he was optimistic, as her blushes and wide eyed gaze at his comments had shown she was more than interested in his idea of fun. Bellamy might like to push but he wouldn’t until he knew Clarke was more stable emotionally. But that was a topic for later. For now he had to tackle holding the others off for a little longer until Clarke could handle seeing them. He saw them gathered round the ship entry and approached them. They were arguing with each other but stopped as he drew nearer. “What’s going on.” Bellamy’s frown was back and he grew nervous.
“Diyoza sent a message that some of her men were found dead in the forest. She wants whoever is responsible to stand trial” Raven stepped forward. “We don’t know anything about it, but this could break the truce if we refuse to investigate.”
“No need.” Bellamy hesitated but decided to tell the truth. He would protect Clarke, but lying wouldn’t help for long and might get her in bigger trouble. “Clarke killed them.”
“What?” Abby exclaimed. “Diyoza said it was 5 men. Clarke couldn’t kill that many by herself.”
He smiled grimly. “She can, and she did. I saw it myself, but that was before she returned.”
He turned to Marcus “Tell Diyoza they attacked Clarke and she defended herself. They got their punishment, and Clarke is in our custody.” He turned to the group “We won’t be giving Clarke to Diyoza, so she’ll be safer with us, and we can make it look like she’s in our custody as we assess the evidence.”
Marcus nodded and headed off. Raven turned back to him and asked “So you got her back?”
“Yea, but she is still having mood swings, I don’t think she’s ready for an interrogation just yet. Give her a few days to settle and then I’m sure she’d love to talk to you all.”
Abby stood forward. “I can set up a room next to the infirmary for her.”
Bellamy ran his hand through his hair, suddenly nervous for some reason. “Ah, she’ll be staying with me for now. Monty?”
“I can crash with Harper for a bit.” Monty replied with a knowing grin. Looking around the group Bellamy saw each of them smiling at him, laughing outright in Murphy’s case. He blushed before saying “We’re not, She’s recovering… Oh fuck you guys”
The group broke out into full throated laughter as this with some wolf whistles and a “Finally!” from Raven. He glanced at Abby to see her studying him through narrowed eyes. Finally, she nodded at him with a small smile.
“I always knew you had something special with her. Take care of her Bellamy. I sent 100 kids to the ground just to give her a chance to survive. You don’t want to know what I’ll do to you if you hurt her again.” Bellamy grinned.
“Thanks” and headed back to the tent.
“Bellamy!” he heard Madi’s voice as she ran to catch up. He stopped and turned. “Do you think she’ll forgive me?” She asked seriously.
Bellamy smiled. “Of course Madi, she’d forgive you anything. Just like I would Octavia, you just have to give her time, she’s going through a lot right now.” He rubbed her head chuckling as she pushed his hand away. Then he turned back to the tent, but not before glancing at Octavia who had been standing nearby tears shining in her eyes after hearing him.
“Ok big brother”, she said softly, smiling tremulously at him. “But don’t take too long, you’re all I have left.” And she turned and disappeared into the crowd who parted for her unconsciously, a remnant of the fear and respect she had gained as Bloodreina.
Bellamy headed back to the tent to find Clarke pacing anxiously biting on her thumb. As he calmed her down he couldn’t help the pain in his heart. He was so glad Clarke was back, but he hated how it was hurting her. She had no defense against the feelings running through her. Hadn’t had to be strong and work through them for so long that she was like a child in her honesty. He loved being able to hear her thoughts and feelings so easily, but knew it was dangerous also. They had been through so much since they hit the ground the first time. And he knew there was a lot of buried and unresolved issues between most of the surviving humans. In war, everyone could put them aside and work together for the greater good, but in peace, small things could fester and blow up into larger problems, let alone big things like who killed whom in the war and why. So it was best to keep Clarke safe until she had regained some control. No-one needed to start a new war over the old ones. Clarke might not like being confined to his tent. But he could think of a few ways to distract her. Bellamy smiled “Now have something to eat. You must be hungry, and I want you healthy.”

Chapter Text


Clarke was going stir crazy. It was nice in Bellamy’s tent, she felt safe, protected, and the others hadn’t bothered her. But she was used to hunting, moving, doing something everyday and the inactivity was killing her. But she was afraid to leave the tent. She knew if she stayed in camp she couldn’t avoid everyone, but if she left camp, she would leave Bellamy, and something inside her was afraid. Afraid that if she left again, this time he wouldn’t come after her. So she stayed, but she was getting restless and he could see that. He had jokingly offered to help her out with some ‘physical activity’ they could do inside the tent. But as tempting as that was (and oh god was it tempting) She wasn’t ready to deepen their relationship to that extent. She was scared all the time now. She had always been scared, ever since her dad was first arrested. But before she could ignore it, move on with what needed to be done and leave it hidden where no one could see. But she couldn’t do that now. Her fear froze her. Fear that the others wouldn’t forgive her, fear that Bellamy would realize how fucked up she was and leave her, fear that she had snapped in more than one way that day and maybe she was truly crazy and none of this was real. Fear kept her stuck in this tent and she hated it. She needed to sort her self out, and fast. So she sat on the bed, thinking back to the yoga and meditation sessions they had done for exercise on the Ark. She breathed deeply and tried to center herself. Picturing her emotions in her mind she tried to separate them from each other. They were all muddled together in a big ball at the moment. Like many different colours of wool that had been tangled together. Red for anger, Purple for depression, Blue for fear, and so on. As she worked on separating them all neatly she had to identify and recognize what was the main cause of each emotion. The root of her anger was betrayal. The betrayal she had felt when her dad died, when she realized her mother had turned him in, when Lexa had left her at the mountain, and when Bellamy had left her, more than once. Depression, that was rooted in her belief that no matter what she did, people died. She had been handling it after Mount Weather, but when Bellamy had said those words “People die when you’re in charge Clarke.” It had hit her full force. She had been more than a little in love with him by that time, though she’d hidden it well. That had also been when she’d started cutting off emotions. She’d tried it once when Lexa had told her love was a weakness, but it hadn’t really stuck then. Her fear for Bellamy while he was in the Mountain had undone any strong front she had been hiding behind. But when he said what she had been thinking all along it had confirmed it for her, and so she’d started to suppress those feelings, to grow stronger, to be who she needed to be to survive. Fear, since her dad she’d never been able to escape fear. Even the coldness had had been caused by fear. Fear of failing everyone, fear of her own emotions, fear of the others turning their backs on her for the decisions she’d made. And she’d made some bad ones, she acknowledged but hindsight was 20/20 and she’d only been able to work with the knowledge she’d had at the time. Guilt was a lime green colour. Guilt for all the deaths she’d caused, deliberate and otherwise. For the pain she’d caused her friends, and the pain she hadn’t been able to protect them from. Guilt towards those she’d promised to protect and failed and Love. Love was a bright gold thread that was so tangled up in fear she wasn’t sure she could separate the two. To love left her vulnerable, and that was dangerous, she’d learnt that time and time again. It had been why she’d held on to Bellamy for so long. Because even when they were on different sides, she had never truly believed he would hurt her. It wasn’t till she’d let someone else in in a moment of weakness (Madi) that she’d handed him a tool with which he could hurt her. And he had, and she didn’t know if she was ready to trust anyone again just yet. Was still holding back that piece of her heart that could bring them together. And that was part of the problem she realized. After releasing her emotions she was having trouble controlling them, and that was because she was still suppressing something. The emotion she had held on to the longest, that had kept her human. Her love for Bellamy. It was like a tsunami being held back by a thin barrier. She knew it was there but all of her energy was being used to hold it back and so she had none left to control the other emerging emotions. And fear, fear was at the forefront, and it was her strongest motivator to not set that love free. It had destroyed her last time, she couldn’t risk that again.
After sorting her emotions out Clarke was troubled. She knew that to truly resolve them she would need to have some frank talks with her friends and family. Some hard talks, she had some apologies to make, but she also needed to air out some dirty laundry that had hidden away for years now. And eventually, hopefully, she might be able to let herself have hope. To let herself form bonds of love again, and open herself up to love and possibly pain. And she needed to start with Bellamy.
Bellamy ducked into the tent with lunch and sat down across from her. “Why so serious princess” he asked after seeing her face.
“Can we go to my cabin?” Clarke asked.
“Why” Bellamy replied.
“I need to talk to you, somewhere private, and a change of clothes wouldn’t be so bad either.”
Bellamy studied her “Ok, but I need your promise you’ll stick with me, no running off.”
“I promise” said Clarke.
“Then we will head out after we eat.”
“Plan to stay the night.” Clarke said. “This might take some time.”
“Oh?” Bellamy grinned heat flaring in his eyes.
“Not like that you perv!” Clarke exclaimed then sobered. “We need to talk about some stuff, seriously.” Bellamy sobered as well before nodding.
“Alright princess, I’ll give the others a heads up and then we can head out.”

Chapter Text

Bellamy was nervous. He knew what was coming. Ever since Clarke had come back he’d been her emotional support, but they had so much history between them he knew it couldn’t last. While things had been positive lately. If they wanted to move forward in their relationship, they would have to work things out. He had been waiting until Clarke felt ready to talk, and apparently that time was now.
Bellamy informed Abby and Madi of their plans and left it to them to inform the others, he packed a few essentials and they set off. He had to admit he was a little excited to finally see where Clarke had been living these past months. Nobody had been able to find her, even the trackers in onekru had been puzzled. As they walked in silence, he admired the forest around them. He had been so worried and focused since he got back to earth that he hadn’t taken the time to appreciate the beauty that had somehow survived. It was amazing how quickly they had forgotten to see the good things about earth, even after the 100 had originally landed. So caught up in fighting and surviving they forgot the joy they had felt on taking that first breathe of fresh air, of seeing their first tree, flower etc. Bellamy stopped for a second and just breathed. Clarke kept going, but when she noticed he was no longer beside her she turned.
“What are you doing?” she asked puzzled.
“Taking a minute to just appreciate the beauty” Bellamy replied.
Clarke’s eyes softened and a hint of a smile graced her face. “Yea, when I first saw the valley it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. I couldn’t understand how it had survived, but I’m glad it did.”
“So am I.” replied Bellamy, “And this isn’t the only beautiful thing that survived primfaya” he teased, trying to keep the atmosphere light.
Clarke stared at him uncomprehending, then a blush covered her cheeks as she realized he was referring to her. “Whatever.” She rolled her eyes and turned around to keep walking, but Bellamy spotted the smile on her face before she hid it from him. I was the first smile of true happiness he had seen from her since… he tried to think. To be honest he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know her on the Ark, and ever since they landed she had been focused on keeping everyone alive. Even when she had been happy, it was always guarded, like she was expecting things to go wrong. And usually they had. Bellamy felt sad suddenly. He had been so focused on Octavia in those early days, he had missed seeing Clarke, (truly seeing her and not the stuck up princess he labeled her as.) Before the ground had hardened her, made her become someone else. She had always tried to do what was right, to be the good guy. But he still remembered that day, the day he had heard some truths he didn’t want to admit from Raven. After he had broken down, almost begging for reassurance. Her words. “Maybe there are no good guys” had hit him hard. Clarke, had given up. No not on surviving, or keeping her people safe, but she had given up on being the good guy, on coming out of whatever trouble they had without blood on her hands. She had accepted there was no right or wrong, just different perspectives, and an innocence in her had died somewhere along the way without him noticing. And he didn’t want that for her. He wanted her to look forward to the future, to have hope, to expect peace as a normal thing. He was getting there, but she was still fighting that war.
Bellamy kept walking, his momentary joy gone as he fell back to brooding. He followed Clarke almost instinctively until she stopped and he collided with her back. He stopped muttering “Sorry” and looked up. They were at the top of the waterfall. He looked around for Clarke's camp, he knew it was around here somewhere but hadn’t been able to find it. Clarke looked at him with a smirk.
“You’ll never find it” she challenged.
He looked around some more but gave up quickly, he’d searched this area before and found nothing. Sighing he turned to Clarke “Fine, I give.”
Clarke turned around and walked towards the waterfall. Standing beside it she reached down and picked up a rope hidden in the vines hanging from the edge, then she turned around and jumped down. Bellamy ran forward, heart in his throat and looked over the edge. He saw Clarke disappear into a cave a few metres below and then her head poked out.
“You coming?” she teased with a grin.
Bellamy let out a muffled growl but grabbed the rope and climbed down after her. When he reached the cave he had to duck to get inside, but once through the opening it opened up to a nice sized little cave. He saw a rough bed to one side, some drawings and a backpack. Otherwise the cave was empty. Clarke grabbed the pack and looked through it.
“Make yourself comfortable” she said as she disappeared behind a rock. Bellamy sat on the edge of the bed and Clarke reemerged a few minutes later in new clothes. She sat down beside him and the atmosphere became very awkward, very quickly.

Clarke had been nervous about showing Bellamy her camp. It had been her one retreat where no-one could get to her, but she had to learn to trust him again, and this was as good a place as any to start. After she’d changed her clothes, conscious of how smelly she had been getting, she sat down beside Bellamy on the bed. She wasn’t sure where to start. She knew they had to talk, but she wanted to do it calmly, without letting her emotions overwhelm her. She admitted that was unlikely to happen, but she had to try.
“So/So” They both started, then looked at each other with a smile.
Bellamy made a ‘go ahead’ gesture and Clarke took a deep breath.
“So, we have a lot to talk about.” She started. Bellamy nodded.
“I’ve been trying to sort my emotions out, and I apologise in advance this may not be pleasant.”
Bellamy gave a wry smile. “Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m the only one here, and you’ve seen me at my worst.”
“OK, here goes. We make a great team.”
Bellamy was surprised. “Not exactly where I thought this was going.”
“Shush. We make a great team, but because of that we also know how to hurt each other the most. Every time things got fucked up, it was because we weren’t working together. Before primfaya we understood each, but after 6 years? Our priorities were different. Our families were different.”
“Clarke” Bellamy bit out rawly, reaching out his hand. But she shook him off, tears in her eyes.
“I understand what you did. But it hurt me. It broke my trust in you, and I don’t know how to start trusting you again. I need you, I’ve always needed you, but now? I’m afraid. Afraid you’ll leave me again, and I’ll be alone. I don’t think I can handle being alone again.”
Clarke turned away trying to hide her tears, but Bellamy gripped her chin and turned her face towards him.
“I’m sorry” he said, trying to put as much feeling into the words as he could staring into her eyes. “I did it to save you, but I didn’t realize how much it would hurt you. I thought it was another trial we would get through like we always did, together. I didn’t mean to say you weren’t part of my family anymore. You will always be my family Clarke.”
Now he had tears in his eyes as well. He was frustrated, he didn’t know how to convey the depth of his emotions to her. “I thought we would always forgive each other, no matter how bad it got, or what awful things we did. That was our thing right? I screwed up, and all I can say is I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too” Clarke replied. “I guess you can tell by now running away’s my thing? Only this time I ran so far I couldn’t find myself. I know why you did what you did, and it worked out. And I do forgive you, but I’m scared. I don’t know how to stop being scared, and I can’t be the girl I used to be, and I don’t know who I am in this new world. Nobody needs me anymore, I’m not a leader, or a mother, or a daughter, I’m just me, and I’m covered in so much blood I can never wash off.”
Clarke was becoming hysterical and she started to scrub at her hands as if she could see them covered in blood. Bellamy grabbed her hand to stop her but she was sobbing so hard he did the only thing he could think of. He kissed her. Clarke froze mid sob and then kissed him back hungrily, they fought for dominance but Bellamy slid his hand round the back of her head and grasped her hair, then he pulled, not too hard, but all of a sudden Clarke was melting and she could think of nothing but his hands on her and his mouth on her mouth. The kiss was messy and wet, and frankly a little snotty, but by the time they had calmed down and pulled apart breathing heavily neither of them cared. They moved slightly apart as they recovered and Clarke broke first.
“Ah thanks?”
“Anytime.” Bellamy replied and then grinned. “Ok, not exactly the point of coming here, but I’m not complaining.”
Clarke smiled teasingly back. “I agree, but I give you permission to repeat if I get upset again, and do I?...”
“If it’ll get you to kiss me, I will force myself to shed some manly tears.” Bellamy joked.
They were both avoiding the issue and knew it, and it wasn’t long before the atmosphere grew serious again. Finally Bellamy sighed, he had to say something.
“Look Clarke, we are all finding our place in this new world. I don’t really know what I’m doing either, you saw that at the clearing. My main purpose in life has been to protect Octavia, but I ended up poisoning her, and she tried to kill me in return. Without that purpose, I had nothing. But finding you kept me going. Lets go back to camp tomorrow, we can try to find our place together. And if it doesn’t work out, then we can always come back here, or get Raven to supe up the Rover and we can travel the world together looking for a place of our own. Whatever you want Clarke, as long as we’re together from now on.”
Clarke looked at him, gnawing on her bottom lip. It was a tempting offer, and she felt more confident with him by her side. She longed to just leave and fall back into the coldness, it was safer, but it was also the cowards way out. And she couldn’t leave Bellamy again. She opened her mouth, but closed it again before nodding. “Ok, together”
She held out her hand and he took it as she smiled shyly. “Can we keep this cave a secret though, just in case we need to get away?” (or make a run for it) she thought silently.
“Of course” Bellamy replied, his smile relieved. “It’ll be good to have a place we can go to be a bit more, private.” And his smile turned into a wicked grin as he raised his eyebrow “now that all the serious stuffs out of the way, shall we get down to business?”
Clarke backed away, not sure she liked the smile on his face. “Business? I’m not sure I know what you mean?”
“Gone all prim and proper on me Princess? You know exactly what I mean.” Bellamy advanced until Clarke was leaning back against the wall. He rose up so he was slightly above her as he trapped her in between his arms.
“Come on Princess, don’t tell me you haven’t dreamt about it?”
“Ah, pffft, I, No!” Clarke stuttered looking away and Bellamy’s grin got wider as he lent in closer.
“So you’ve never thought about what I look naked? Or imagined the taste of my cock in your mouth? Or the feeling of me slamming you up against the wall and fucking you till you scream?”
Clarke looked up at him, eyes wide and speechless. He lent in even closer and whispered in her ear. “If I put my hand down your pants right now, are you telling me you wouldn’t already be dripping?”
Clarke jerked suddenly looking guilty, but before she could escape Bellamy swung his leg over hers, effectively caging her in. “Because I can tell you now Clarke, I have thought about it a lot, and I have lots of things I want to do to you.”
A small squeak was all the response he got before he chuckled and bent down to kiss her. He kissed her slowly and thoroughly making sure she had relaxed into it before he started his next move (He really could not afford to chase her right now if she decided to run.) He ran his hands up and down he sides before cupping her breasts. She moaned and he kneaded them before moving to pull her top off. She reciprocated and soon they were both topless. Bellamy groaned as he looked down at her. “You have amazing tits” He said as he moved in to suck on them. Clarke moaned and threw her head back in response. “And amazingly sensitive apparently.” He chuckled. She hit him on the shoulder before gripping tight as he twisted the other nipple in response. He stayed there for a bit, playing with them and making sure he left no inch of skin untasted. Then he moved downwards trickling kisses over her belly as he slowly made his way to her pussy. When her pants were off he spread her legs and laid between them getting a good view.
“And would you look at that.” He murmured. “You’re sopping wet for me and I’ve hardly touched you.” He dragged a finger through her pussy and held it up for her to see, the finger shining wet in the torchlight.
“Will you shut up and fuck me?” Clarke groaned, blushing as he moved the finger to his mouth and licked, tasting her and grinning.
“Now where’s the fun in that?” He asked. “Your reactions are so amusing. Besides I thought hearing me talk dirty turned you on?”
Clarke blushed an even deeper red as she stammered a denial.
“Oh? Lets test it then shall we?” Bellamy asked, and he slid a finger into her pussy followed by a second one.
“It’s a bit tight in here darling, haven’t you found any man to fuck you since we came back down? When was the last time you fucked a man anyway? It couldn’t have been Finn? Whatever, now how bout I tell you all the ways I plan to fuck you? Let’s start with against the wall, as I mentioned earlier, Maybe later we can go for a swim and have sex in the pool? We’d have to be careful though, wouldn’t want anyone to see us out in the open.”
Clarke clenched at the thought and he felt it round his fingers. “Oh? Would you like that? Fucking in a public place where anyone could see us? Or in my tent back at camp where you’ll have to be nice and quiet or everyone will hear you moaning like a little slut on my cock. Or maybe I’ll gag you to keep you quiet?” With each scenario Clarke clenched tighter and grew wetter as she pictured it in her mind.
“We are going to have so much fun together Princess.” Bellamy was grinning now as he was sure Clarke would be happy to experiment a little in the bedroom department. And apparently she had a kink for public sense. They would have to see how far the could take that. He knew of at least one couple who wouldn’t hesitate to join them if they asked. But Clarke was more than wet enough now, and he’d waited long enough. He withdrew his fingers, much to Clarke's disappointment, but quickly removed his pants (fucking boots, should have taken them off first) and returned before thrusting into her. Clarke moaned as he entered her. It had been so long since she’d been with a man, he filled her up and she found it difficult to breath as she adjusted to his size. He gave her a minute and when she nodded he started moving. Clarke grabbed his arms and dug in with her nails as he moved harder and faster, building his pace until she screamed as she came and tightened around his cock until he came as well.
Bellamy rolled over and lay beside her panting. “We should have done that ages ago.” He said.
“We never really had the time.” Clarke replied, “but yeah”
“I remember finding time at the dropship.” Bellamy retorted.
“Yes but I thought you were an arrogant prick then” said Clarke.
“We could’ve had hate sex, that would’ve been amazing.”
“Shut up and enjoy the moment. We have to go back tomorrow.” Clarke said before closing her eyes.
“Oh I know, I can’t wait to fuck you in the tent and let everyone know you’re mine.” Bellamy replied.
Clarke rolled over away from him, but said nothing against it. Bellamy grinned once more before rolling over and putting his arm around her. He grabbed the blanket from the end of the bed and covered them both before muttering “Night Princess” and kissing her hair.
“Goodnight”. Was the last thing he heard before he slept.

Chapter Text

When Clarke woke up the next morning she stretched, and then stiffened. She was aching in a way she hadn’t felt in a while. As the memories of last night came back to her she blushed. Bellamy had woken her twice more during the night. The man was insatiable! And she loved it. She rolled over to see an empty bed and something inside her clenched. Had he left? Had he gotten what he wanted and left? Or maybe he woke up and realized he couldn’t handle looking after someone as damaged as her? Or maybe he had been disgusted by her display last night? Or…….. Clarke’s inner panic was interrupted as Bellamy dropped onto the ledge outside the cave. He ducked his head as he entered and then lifted it, grinning at her. But the grin quickly fell away as he took in her panicked eyes and hands gripping the blanket tightly.
“Clarke, what’s wrong?” He hurried over to her, placing something on the ground beside the bed as he took her into his arms. “Did something happen?”
Clarke gasped, suddenly realizing she had been holding her breath before bursting into tears. “I thought you left me!” was all she could push out around the sobs. She felt his arms tighten around her and his soothing words flowed over her until she was calmer. Then he took her by the shoulders and moved her back far enough that he could look her in the eyes. Then with a serious face he said. “I will never leave you again, you hear me? I know you might not believe me at the moment, but I have no intention of leaving you, or of letting you run away ever again.”
Clarke stared back at him, the knot in her heart loosening just a little. She sniffed and nodded with a watery smile before asking. “Where did you go?”
“I got us a treat for breakfast” Bellamy turned around and picked up the small bag on the floor. “We found a field of berries not far from here and I went and snuck some of the ripe ones. Promise not to tell?” Clarke smiled and they ate breakfast together in peace, making small talk about daily life in the camp. Clarke didn’t really know what had happened since she’d left. She’d kept herself pretty isolated, only going to camp for necessities and hunting and foraging the rest for herself. She’d had enough practice when she was alone with Madi, and blocking off her emotions had made her very efficient. It had left her with more than enough free time to be honest. She had spent some of that time patrolling/exploring. And the rest she devoted to her drawings. She guessed that even blocking her emotions she had needed a form of stress relief. She had used the drawings to channel the overflow of her emotions in a way. As she thought about it she looked around the cave. She had a few of them stuck to the walls with tree resin. She blushed when she noticed almost half of them were of Bellamy, and half of those had him undressed in some way. Never fully naked, but enough to hint at a more than platonic interest.
Bellamy had noticed Clarke wasn’t listening any more and looked up from his food. He saw her blush and looked to see what had caused it. To be honest he had noticed the pictures last night, but had been more focused on Clarke than anything else. He took a closer look now and a grin crept over his face as he took in the many, many pictures of himself scattered over the walls.
“Well, well, Princess, it looks like even as a robot you had feelings for me.”
Clarke broke out of her reverie startled and turned to look at him. She quickly composed herself though and tried to brush it off. “I had a lot of time on my hands, and was studying the human body for medical purposes. Yours was the one I had seen the most of with you walking around camp without a shirt half the time.”
Bellamy’s grin grew as he moved closer to her. “I don’t think so Princess. There were plenty of guys with their shirts off if I remember, why did you use mine as your example?”
He was almost leaning over her now and she panicked. Hopping up quickly she blurted out. “I need to wash!” She watched half in relief and half in disappointment as he leant back before nodding.
“Mmm me too. We can go for a swim in the lake like I promised”
Clarke tilted her head, when had he? Oh! She thought back to last night and let out a muffled screech as her face turned red once more. (Damn her pale skin) She turned around in a huff and marched towards the cave entrance, grabbing a change of clothes as she left, ignoring Bellamy.
Bellamy chuckled as he watched Clarke storm off, noticing she hadn’t rejected his veiled proposal. He grabbed his stuff and left, glad to have this time to get to know her again, and enjoying the range of emotions he could evoke from her. He was so used to the strong stoic Clarke who only let her walls down when they were broken, that it was nice to see her act like a girl for once. And he planned on making her very aware of how much of a girl, his girl she truly was. With an almost animalistic growl Bellamy headed out after his prey. Ready to take her down and savour every last inch of her.

Chapter Text

Clarke headed down to the pool at the bottom of the waterfall. She was shivering, half in trepidation, half in excitement. Would Bellamy really want to have sex in public? The thought made her clench low down in her belly. But what if they were caught? Or what if this was just a fling, and as soon as Bellamy was satisfied he’d go back to Echo. Echo wasn’t as fucked up as she was, and surely he’d get tired of looking after an emotional wreck like her. Was he even coming? She was to afraid to look. Clarke could feel her emotions spiraling again, and grew frustrated with herself, which didn’t really help. She tried her breathing techniques but by the time she had reached the pool she was almost in tears. In desperation she jumped into the pool fully clothed, shrieking as the cold water hit her skin. The shock pulled her out of her head and made her focus on the sensation. She heard a laugh behind her and turned to find Bellamy standing at the edge of the water. His smile warmed her up inside and she swam back towards him.
“Well that’s one way to do it” he remarked as he removed his shirt.
“Eh, my clothes needed a wash anyway.” Clarke joked back, drawing closer.
“Actually, yours look like they could do with a wash too.” Bellamy’s eyes narrowed but before he could react she had grabbed him behind the knee and pulled. He lost his balance and fell into the pool beside her. When he rose to the surface once more he could see the delight on Clarke’s face and it drew a corresponding playfulness out of him. He lunged at her as she shrieked and dove out of reach. He chased he around the pool for a bit, splashing each other as she tried to stay out of his reach. But in the end she misjudged and he was able to grab her. He tickled her sides, listening to her shrieks of laughter as she begged him to stop, but he continued for a bit until in self-defense she twisted around and kissed him. His fingers stilled, then grabbed on tight as she wound her legs around his waist and ground against him. He drew back from her with a smile. “So I guess this means I won?”
“Depends on your definition of winning” Clarke teased back. “Because from where I’m sitting” and she ground against him slightly to prove her point. “I definitely didn’t lose”
Bellamy returned her smile and swiftly returned to kissing her. As they became more heated up they began removing their clothing and realized something.
“Damn it’s hard to take wet leather off!”
They were both laughing as they had to separate to get undressed, their wet clothes sticking to skin and making it much harder than necessary. “ok next time we take our clothes off before getting in the water.” Bellamy stated. Clarke nodded, secretly thrilled that he was planning on a next time. It might not be much but she needed the reassurance that he was in this for the long haul. She hated how insecure she was, but wasn’t going to bring it up and ruin the moment. Once they were both fully naked (finally!) they moved towards each other eager to pick up where they left off. But Clarke paused tilting her head. She thought she heard. Yes! Voices were heading towards them. Clarke panicked and tried to grab her clothes, but Bellamy grabbed her arms. “Bellamy!” she whispered. “Someone’s coming!”
“I know” he whispered back, and grabbing their clothes her drew her over behind the waterfall. There was a small gap behind the waterfall hidden under an overhang. The water and rock hid them from sight and the sound of the water covered and small noise they made. Bellamy put their clothes on a ledge and then turned back towards Clarke with a wicked grin. She shivered as he took her into his arms.
“Clarke,” he said seriously. “I need you to do something for me.”
She nodded her head dumbly and he turned her around to face the waterfall. “I need you to be as quiet as you can.”
Clarke didn’t think that would be too hard, until Bellamy drew her back against himself and reached down to put his fingers in her pussy. She squeaked in surprise and he said “uh uh Clarke, remember, stay as quiet as possible. You wouldn’t want them to hear you and come to see what the noise was would you?”
Clarkes eyes widened at this and he thrust a finger into her. She immediately slapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her groan. She could feel Bellamy laugh against her neck. “You’re going to have to do better than that Princess, I’ve barely gotten started.”
Clarke nearly cried, how the hell was she supposed to stay quiet with Bellamy finger fucking her cunt with one hand. Playing with her tits with the other, and sucking on her neck with his mouth? Her neck was very sensitive, and every time he talked near her ear the feeling of his breath touching her made her shiver. Of course he noticed this and started licking and biting her ear which almost made her cum on its own. By now she almost had her whole fist in her mouth trying to keep quiet. He continued to fuck her roughly with his fingers, his other hand alternating breasts as he twisted and pinched her nipples. Clarke arched and twisted in his grasp trying to get away from the sensations while also begging for more. He kept whispering in her ear, and she realized how sexy his voice was, low and rough with desire. “Come on Clarke, that’s a good girl. Stay nice and quiet for me. How do you feel? Are my fingers big enough for you? Or would you prefer my cock hmmmm? Do you want to come on my fingers first? Or my cock? Hmmmm or perhaps I could fuck that mouth of yours? That would keep you nice and quiet. Yea? You wanna suck my cock like a good little slut and swallow my come? I bet you’d look so pretty kneeling at my feet with my cum all over your face.”
With this he curved his fingers inside her and hit a bundle of nerves she didn’t know was there. She came on his fingers, biting down hard on her hand to keep from screaming. After it was over, she relaxed against Bellamy limp with satisfaction. He chuckled as he swiped some hair out of her eyes. “Oh Princess we’re nowhere near finished yet.”
She looked up at him with startled eyes. “I can’t” she whined.
“Oh trust me you can.” Bellamy said. But if you think you're to tired, then we can at least take care of this problem don’t you think?” He rocked against her ass and she blushed as she realized he was still hard and ready.
“You ready to suck my cock like a good little girl?” Bellamy asked and she nodded, eyes down. He lifted her chin up and said. “I want to hear it Clarke.”
“I, I want to suck your cock.” Clarke stammered. He nodded in satisfaction. “Good girl.” Then he hopped up on the ledge and opened his legs wide. “Come here.”
Clarke swam over and settled between his legs. She looked at his cock in amazement. It was the first time she had seen one up close. Bellamy seeing her look had a sudden thought. “Have you ever sucked a cock before Clarke?” She blushed and shook her head. “I’ve gone down on girls, but Finn was the only guy I’ve been with and he, we.” She trailed off.
Bellamy smiled almost smugly. “Do you mean I get to be the first man to fuck your virgin mouth?”
Clarke turned even redder but nodded. “Oh Princess, don’t worry. I’ll teach you how to be a good little cocksucker.”
And with that Bellamy took hold of his cock, stroking it a few times.
“When you want to suck a man’s cock, it’s a good idea to take it slow. Don’t take it all in your mouth at once because you’ll end up choking. Suck on the end, lick it, and explore it. Play with my balls too. I like that. Every guy is different, but I will tell you what I like and don’t like. No teeth!” and he put a hand on her head and gently nudged her towards his cock.
“Use your hands too.” He advised.
Clarke put her hand around the base of his cock and tried licking it. The head was salty and a little bitter with precum. She played with his balls, feeling them in her hand. They felt weird but were interesting. She took the head of his cock in her mouth and sucked. Bellamy groaned and tangled a hand in her hair. She ran her tongue across the silt in the top and he bucked a little. He slowly increased the pressure on her head, making her take more and more of his cock into her mouth. When he hit the back of her throat she gagged and he pulled her off gently. “When you’ve gone as far as you can go, put your hand around the rest of the cock. That way you wont choke when I face fuck you. We will teach you to take more later, but you’re doing well for your first time.” He praised, and Clarke felt flush with pleasure.She continued to suck his cock, twisting her hand around the base until it was big and thick shining wetly with her saliva.
“Now do you want me to come in your mouth, or are you ready for me to fuck your pussy?”
Clarke had to think about it, she was so turned on. She wanted to see him come undone in her mouth, but her pussy was throbbing with need. In the end she took to long and Bellamy made the decision for her. He grasped her under the armpits and lifted her out of the water. He sat her on his lap and fingered her pussy. She quickly became wet again and he positioned her on top of his cock. “Ride me Princess. Show me how much you love my cock. And let me see those tit’s of yours bouncing.”
Clarke lowered herself down onto his cock. She groaned as he filled her up and Bellamy quickly shushed her, reminding her of the people outside. She bit her lower lip and started to move, trying not to make a sound as she rose up and down on Bellamy’s cock. She’d never done it this way before, and each time she lowered herself she could feel his cock filling her up. She moved faster and faster until she lost her rhythm and then Bellamy took hold of her hips and started thrusting up into her. He started to talk again and she tightened as his words rushed over her. “Yes, see those tits bounce, they are so pretty. Just like the rest of you Princess. I can see your cunt from this angle. See how it takes my cock and doesn’t want to let it go. It’s a hungry little cunt isn’t it? But so pretty and pink. Just like a princess.” After a bit his words became a blur and Clarke threw her head back in pleasure as he thrust into her. She could feel the pleasure rising and tightened even more around him, causing his fingers to tighten on her hips as his thrusts got rougher, and then she was over the edge, letting out a load moan followed by Bellamy’s shout as he came.
She collapsed on his chest, sated, before remembering how loud they’d been. She sat up in sudden mortification shooting a look outside to see if anyone had noticed. Bellamy chuckled as he saw this and said. “Relax Princess, they walked straight past the lake in the first five minutes. No one heard you.”
Clarke gasped and hit him in the chest. “You! Why?”
“Because you liked it. Didn’t it give you a thrill thinking someone might catch me fucking you? Besides, we’re gonna need to practice keeping quiet a few more times, otherwise the whole camps going to hear you moaning as soon as we get back.”
Clarke blushed and fought back “It’s not like you were exactly quiet at the end there!”
“True, but I knew there was no one outside. If there had been they definitely would have heard how much you like my cock.” He said grinning. “Besides, I don’t care if the whole camp knows I’m fucking you. That way they’ll know you’re mine.”
Clarke stopped hitting him and laid back down. Suddenly she didn’t mind so much either.

Chapter Text

After cleaning up, again ;P Clarke and Bellamy returned to the Cave. They laid out their wet clothes to dry and spent the morning lying in the sun. Bellamy lay against the rock wall near the entrance as Clarke laid her head in his lap and took the chance to just be. They sat in silence mostly. Bellamy playing with Clarke's hair, admiring how it shone on the sunlight. Clarke slept for a bit, and then grabbed her sketching book and drew Bellamy as he was. He had an expression on his face she'd never seen on him before. A contented look, with no stress or fear to furrow his brow, and an adoring look in his eyes as he watched her. When she'd finished she decided this was her favourite look on him. Although his evil expression when he was thinking of ways to fuck her was a close second. But eventually their clothes were dry and they had to leave.
"Can't we just stay like this?" Clarke pleaded and Bellamy sighed.
"As much as I would love that, you know it wouldn't last long before others came looking for us. And besides, this is our secret spot remember? When can come back whenever we want."

When they headed back to camp they stopped on the edge of the clearing. Clarke gripped Bellamy's hand tight and he turned to look at her. She took a deep breath and nodded before they both stepped into camp. They headed for Bellamy's tent and put their clothes away. Bellamy hesitated before asking. "Do you want to come to the mess hall for dinner, or do you want me to bring you something?"
"I'll come with you." Clarke said quietly and took his hand "But you can't leave me."
"Of course." He replied and they headed out. Bellamy noticed the others on their walk through the camp but gestured for them to stay back, he didn't want to overwhelm Clarke. As they got their food and found a place to sit he asked tentatively. "Do you want to speak to anyone? You don't have to, but they would love to see you."
Clarke bit her lip and looked around, her eyes skimming over her friends, afraid to look at them for to long. She wanted to see Maddy, but was afraid. The others all had their reasons to hate her. But maybe her mom. She cringed, remembering how overbearing her mom could be. But at the same time, she might understand what she went through with Madi. She nodded. "Abby" she said softly.
Bellamy squeezed her hand and then gestured to someone. A few moments later Abby and Marcus sat down next to them. Clarke was a bit surprised by Marcus's addition, but she didn't feel threatened by him. She had seen how he'd changed from the man he had been on the Ark, and he cared for Abby. You could see it in the way he looked at her. They sat in silence, eating their dinner before Abby broke. "I'm so glad to see you Clarke."
Clarke nodded, trying to stay calm as the weight of the expectations she believed her mother had for her came roaring back. To be the doctor, the leader, but not to defy her, to do things her way. She started to hyperventilate and Bellamy quickly picked her up and sat her on his lap. He tucked her head into his chest and stroked her hair whispering. "Sssshhhh, it's alright Clarke, just listen to my heartbeat. You're safe now." She calmed down slowly and looked up to she Abby looking at her with something like desperation, straining to come and help her as Marcus held her hand firmly and kept her in place.
Abby relaxed when she saw Clarke was Ok before turning to Bellamy. "Does that happen often?"
"Sometimes" He replied. "Her feelings can overwhelm her, she's having trouble controlling them.
Clarke felt a mixture of relief and petulance. Relief because Bellamy was there and knew how to take care of her so she didn't need to explain herself. And petulance because she was a grown woman dammit and she could take care of herself. Yes she knew the two feelings were completely contradictory but so what. Emotions weren't logical. She sat up a bit straighter and muttered "I'm fine"
She tried to stand up and move back to her seat, but Bellamy pulled her back down and put his arms around her and his head on her shoulder.
"Stay here, save me the trouble of picking you up again."
His voice in his ear made her blush, but the statement made her angry before she sighed and realised the truth of it. It was her first time out and she was likely to freak out again. So she relaxed into his arms before stiffening and blushing as she glanced at Abby. She was surprised though. Abby didn't look shocked or upset. More resigned and almost approving? as she looked at Bellamy.
"Don't worry Princess, Abby knows we're shacking up"
Clarke blushed red again and saw Abby and Marcus stifle smiles at her expense. She pouted and decided to fire back. "So you two huh?" she stated.
Abby looked almost shy! Marcus nodded and kissed Abby's hand. "Yes, we have come to care for each other" He said in is diplomatic tone. "I'm glad to see your back with us Clarke. Your mother missed you, and so did I"
Clarke stared. It wasn't that much of a surprise. She had seen the way they interacted before Primfaya, and stuck together for 6 years in a bunker was bound to encourage closeness. She and Abby had come to an uneasy truce before, but they hadn't really had a mother/daughter dynamic since the Ark. She didn't know if she could ever truly trust her mother again. But then, with all the things she'd done, maybe her mother couldn't trust her.
They made small talk for a while, not really touching on anything to sensitive before they were interrupted. Murphy marched over with Emori tugging on his arm, presumably trying to stop him. He sat down next to Clarke and Bellamy and shot out. "So the princess finally found her prince huh? Took you long enough."
Clarke laughed, surprising herself and Bellamy. There was something refreshing about Murphy, his 'I don't give a damn' demeanor set her at ease the way the others careful tiptoeing hadn't. "I thought Bellamy was my knight in shining armor?" she teased back.
"Eh whatever, nothing saying he can't be both. So I heard you went crazy?" He jumped right in.
"No more than usual. Maybe I just couldn't stand to be around you anymore."
"Me? Why I'm the apple of your eye, the pearl of your oyster, the Bonny to your Clyde. No wait, that makes me..." Murphy stumbled, realising he had just called himself Bonny.
Clarke laughed again. "Are you sure you're not the crazy one? And what about Emori? You wouldn't want to make her jealous."
Murphy shrugged. "Eh, I'm not worried. Emori and me are the same type of crazy. I heard you went proper crazy though."
"Yea, you probably would have liked crazy me though, she was a bitch."
"Possibly, but we have enough of those. We need our Princess though, to keep us on the straight and narrow and all that. It's good to see you Clarke."
and with that he stood up with Emori and walked off.
Clarke felt a bit like a tornado had blown through leaving her dizzy but on solid ground if that made sense. She quickly leaned forward and gave Abby a hug before she could chicken out, then stood up and headed back towards the tent. Bellamy followed her after saying goodbye and returned with her.
"How are you feeling?"
"Ok, better."
"it wasn't too much? Sorry about Murphy, you know how he is."
Clarke smiled. "No, I'm glad he came, he didn't treat me with kid gloves, I think i needed that."
Bellamy smiled. "Good, we can face the others tomorrow if you feel up to it. But for now, let's get some rest. It's been a long day."
He helped her get undressed and then lay down next to her in the cot, she was comforted knowing he could tell she wasn't up for anything more, and fell asleep to the sound of his heart beating steadily next to her.

Chapter Text


Days went by slowly. Clarke was more comfortable leaving the tent now, but she still kept close to Bellamy. He was her safety net, her protection against the world. But at the same time she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to get tired of babysitting her and leave, or to confess that he was still with Echo but had been pretending to keep her from going off the deep end again. She knew it was stupid, but she didn't know how to trust him again. To trust anyone really. She had learnt the hard way that people did what was best for them and theirs. And she no longer belonged to any of their groups. Oh she knew Bellamy would argue, but what they had, as wonderful as it was, wouldn't last. And once the newness wore off, old hurts and arguments would need to be addressed properly. As for the others, she had had short conversations with them over the past days, but nothing deep or meaningful. They were treading lightly around her and vice versa. Murphy was the only exception. He would come over and leave as soon as she felt uncomfortable without making a fuss about it. Clarke supposed maybe because their friendship had been weird from the beginning, and the fact that she knew he would do anything to survive even before she had a chance to trust him, meant nothing had really changed between them. She appreciated that, and it was nice to hear his sarcastic comments about the supposedly idyllic life they were now living. Everyone was trying to make it seem like all the problems had been solved with the peace treaty, but while she may have been crazy for a while she wasn't stupid. She resented that they were trying to protect her even while she was glad she didn't have to deal with it at the moment. It had occurred to her that she would not be the leader anymore. It was a bittersweet relief knowing she no longer carried that burden, mostly because they wouldn't trust her to lead them anymore and also because now they had Madi.

Madi, she had been avoiding Madi. She was scared to face her little girl, now the Commander. She didn't want this for her, and couldn't support her anymore. In fact she had no idea what she could do in this new world. Abby had said she was welcome to help out in the med bay when she felt ready, but the girl who had wanted to be a doctor was long gone. Mostly now she wanted to be alone.

Clarke could feel herself winding tighter and tighter. Although she refused to leave the tent without Bellamy, the constant presence of people was getting to her. She needed to go out, to be alone for a while, but she knew Bellamy wouldn't feel comfortable letting her leave just yet. So she persisted, making small talk and pretending not to notice the glances people sent her way. Although they talked about it, she and Bellamy hadn't done anything since returning to camp and she needed a stress relief. She was just working up the nerve to leave the tent without Bellamy when Abby walked in.

"Hello Clarke, we need to talk" She stated. Clarke raised an eyebrow at this but sat down and gestured at her to do the same.

"I know we haven't been.... close, for a long time, but I hope you still feel like you can talk to me" Abby started.

Clarke just looked at her, not saying anything and wondering where this was going.

"I was hoping you would reconsider my offer to work in the med bay. We could really use someone with some training, Jackson and I are training up some volunteers, but its a lot of work, and if anything happens we could use more hands."

"I'm not sure being a doctor is for me anymore. My talents lie more in taking life than saving it honestly." Clarke replied.

"That's not true Clarke, we all made some bad decisions over the years, but they were for the survival of our people and it all worked out in the end." Abby rebutted.

"Not really." Clarke replied. "We live on a planet with one habitable valley, and a severely depleted population that is split into two factions that could break out into war at any point."

"But we, and most of the people we care about are still alive, and you could help them stay that way through your medical skills."

"Mum, the girl who wanted to be a doctor died years ago. Now, I don't know what I want to do now, but it's not that."

Abby grew frustrated. "What then? Madi is the commander, they don't need you to lead them anymore, and what other skills do you have?"

Clarke flinched at the mention of Madi and Abby noticed. "Look, I know you considered Madi your daughter, but she's grown up. You need to support her or get out of her way. I should know, it's a lesson I learnt the hard way."

Clarke grew angry. "She shouldn't have had to grow up. I tried to protect her! To stop what happened to me happening to her! But now she's the Commander with the voices of all the other Commanders in her head and she doesn't need me anymore! You think I don't know that? I know! I've had the commanders in my head! I've been in a position where I have had to lead my people if they are to survive! I don't want to make the same mistakes you did Mom! That's why I'm staying out of her way! But I don't know what I'm supposed to do now! I can't be the girl you knew on the Ark! Or the leader I was before Primfaya! I gave everything! I gave my life and that wasn't enough! What more do you want from me?"

Clarke collapsed into tears and Abby moved over to sit next to her. She tentatively wrapped her arms around Clarke, sighing in relief when she wasn't rebuffed. "I want for you to be happy again. I want you to be able to leave this tent and have a purpose in life. I want you to stop hiding."

"I don't know how." Clarke's reply was muffled with her face buried in Abby's arms.

"Well you have Bellamy, that's a start. Take things one step at a time. If you don't want to work in the med bay, what is something else you enjoy? Maybe art? You were always good at drawing. Maybe you could teach some of the children."

Clarke lifted her head. Looking at Abby. "Yeah, maybe. I just need some alone time, without Bellamy, but I can't just leave."

"Is something wrong?' Abby asked concerned.

"No, I just, need to get away for a bit, sort some things out. It's hard to think constantly surrounded by people. I can't relax."

"Nobody here would hurt you Clarke. We're your family." Abby was still concerned.

"I'm sorry, but I don't feel that yet. I can't trust anyone fully anymore. Not even Bellamy, I'm not sure I ever will again."

Abby's eyes grew sad. She looked at her daughter who had been through so much, had suffered time and time again to protect her people, but who now couldn't let those people do the same for her. She sighed and against her better instincts said "Go, have a day off. I know you can take care of yourself, and I will talk to Bellamy. Let him give you some space. Is there somewhere we can find you if we need to?"

Clarke nodded as she wiped her eyes. "Bellamy knows where I camp. If it's urgent send him, otherwise I will be back in a couple of days, three tops." She stood and quickly packed her things before giving Abby on last hag and slipping out of the tent.

Abby stood up and took a deep breath. Now she had to find Bellamy and try to stop him from chasing after Clarke. She knew how protective he was, but Clarke needed to sort herself out. Now how to break the news to Bellamy so he didn't thinks Clarke was running again?