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The Big Brother Boosh

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Day 20 in the Big Brother house.

Walking into the food court... dining room? Yeah whatever. Walking into there half an hour late is my brand. Got my excuse at the ready, AND this outfit is fucking nuts. Alright, I see Howard in the distant and... shit shit shit. What the hell was my excuse?!

"Oh let me guess. Your goth juice ran out so you had to go and request another one, and then while you were waiting, a mosquito bit your nose off, so you had to go to hospital and now you're an hour and a half late?" Crap, it's 10 and I thought I had to be here at 9:30, not 8:30. I mean, who the hell wakes up, changes and gets ready for 8 fucking 30?

"Vince? Vince? If you're thinking to yourself again I swear to god I'm going to... rip your hair out"

"Chill out mate. What's up with you? I overslept alright? What's the big deal anyway, cameras don't roll until 11"
Being honest felt refreshing. Knocked him right in the balls with that one.

Howard looked confused.

"You do know the cameras are on all night, Vince? They started that method a couple years ago, the producers got complaints because people wanted to see the contestants while they were changing..."

"That's a biiiit weird. Actually, a BIT? That's weirder than your sense of humour. Weirdest type of weird you can get. Go to your local ASDA, ask the lady at the closest till what the weirdest thing they've got is. Follow her to the frozen food section, she'll show you the frozen frogs legs. Think how weird that is, multiple it by 10,000. THAT'S how weird the situation is right now."

Time to turn to the cameras for dramatic effect.


Oh shit, you know what I just realised? This means the nation have been seeing that weird thing on Howard's chest this whole time. How is he still even in here? I would've voted him out. I guess the general public have a sick kind of kink for that sort of thing.

Naboo entered the room eating the same banana that's been in his hands since we entered this fucking house.

"I heard cock and balls so I thought I'd come by"
He reached into the freezer. "Frogs legs, anyone?"

Howard's face was full of delight, the sick bastard.

"Yes, PLEASE. Need a good hearty breakfast before they start setting us tasks, yes sir."

That bitch doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut. As soon as those words left his mouth, the alarm sound went off.

NEE NAWW NEEE NAWW NEE NA-- oh for fucks sake it's not an ambulance... but you know what I mean.

Okay so I have to grab what's left of my goth juice so I can touch up my hair, then run to the garden for the first task. Fuck me, if it's not a runway challenge then I'm leaving this house.


Why the hell is it so cold out here? Goths stay cold in the summer, not hot in the winter. This isn't good. Maybe this IS the challenge - who can survive minus 80 degrees for the longest time? And oh shit, why is Howard wearing shorts and a t-shirt?!

"I am ready for these tasks, yesss sir, thank you sir. Need a jazz challenge to jazz things up in here"
Jazz. Who even listens to jazz anymore? Oh yes that's right, Howard does.

"I wish he was into punk, that would make him way hotter than he already is" I said out loud. CRAP. DID I JUST SAY MY THOUGHTS OUT LOUD?!

Howard turned his head and his facial expression turned from plain to intrigued. I'm sure he knows that was about him and that I'd just said my inner thoughts out loud.

"Hot, am I? Well, they do call me Hottie Moon. Howard the hot. Nandos can't even offer me anything below a hot seasoning, I'm the new face on the extra hot symbol. However, you can't take the jazz out of Howard Moon, no sir. It's not even physically possible, though I'm sure there's some way of putting the jazz into you if you'd like."

Was he really not phased by what I just said? I thought all virgins cried with happiness for days after being called hot.

"Anyway, Howard, how on earth are you wearing that? Isn't it below zero freezing right now?!" I mean I just couldn't understand it. I love that man, I have to admit. The way his silly jokes don't land but he still tries his best, the passion he has for jazz, which is crap, but passionate people still make my heart melt. The way he looks at me when I'm talking, as if he actually cares, unlike most of the goth girls I talk to who clearly just want to fuck me and leave. I've never had a friend like him. A best friend. That's what I thought we were, until we kissed on the rooftop at my... I mean, at HIS party. All my feelings for him entered my system in that one moment and I felt like a little boy again. My strong, goth, fearless self had left me, and I felt like a hopeless romantic, falling in love with this surprisingly hot virgin. I always knew I swung both ways, but who would've known it would be for someone other than a goth boy who also likes to shop at topshop and use goth juice every morning? How am I so wildly in love with my polar opposite?

But god... he's a strange creature, stranger than me, if that's even possible. Well, it is because I just said he's stranger than me - you know what, never mind.

Howard walked closer to me. Please kiss me or something, hug me, do SOMETHING. Cameras may be on but I do love a good controversial story, the two gays of Shoreditch make out on Big Brother and become famous for it. Love that. But this isn't what I hope it's going to be, is it? WHY IS HE-

"HOWARD! Don't you dare try taking my coat off are you mental?! It's bloody freezing! Just because you have a weird skin condi-" I couldn't finish my sentence, as Naboo and Bollo walked into the garden (later than me!) in... well...

"See, Vince? Even Naboo is wearing a t-shirt, and Bollo... well, he never wears anything anyway. But there's something wrong with YOU."
Is this a joke? How can there be something wrong with ME? Howard was supposed to be the one with weird skin conditions like that weird thing on his chest, not me with my luscious smooth skin that makes girls (and guys, and everyone else) drool at the mouth when they open their two gifts that are their eyes. For fucks sake, I just wanna go home and make out with some goth girls (or, preferably, Howard if he also comes back home with me...) I've had enough of this big brother shit.

Crap. The sound of the task alarm.



"Hello top four. Today you have been assigned with the following task. You must partner up, and, in these pairs, enter the raspberry maze which is situated at the corner of the big brother garden. This maze has a reputation for being one of the most complicated mazes of all time. Whichever pair gets out first will gain a huge advantage in the next round. Good luck."