CONTROL FREAK VS SLADE
Everyone in the Games Club burst out laughing.
“I AM SO!” barked Control Freak. “I AM TOO THE TITANS’ GREATEST ENEMY!”
This made everyone laugh even more.
Control Freak was in the Games place where people played online games, board games and card games. Since Control Freak was a narcissistic asshole (who didn’t have friends because he considered himself better than anyone), he would often play card games with newcomers and taunt them just to show that he was better than them.
For a long time, Control Freak had bragged on and on about being the greatest villain the Teen Titans ever faced. But that just made people take the almighty piss out of him, because he is wrong. He is not the greatest villain the Titans ever faced.
“Name one villain greater than me!” demanded Control Freak.
“Mad Mod, Killer Moth, Raven’s demon father, oh, Slade!” said a card player.
“Slade?” asked Control Freak. “That moron. He doesn’t even have the ability to control TV, which makes me superior to him.”
“Dude, Slade doesn’t need gadgets,” said another player. “He’ll kick your ass.”
“Okay fine, fellow dipshits,” announced Control Freak. “I, the awesome Control Freak will defeat Slade, and I will prove to you that I am the GREATEST villain the Titans ever faced!”
There was silence.
And then laughter.
Control Freak looked hurt. But he was keen to prove them wrong.
So for the whole week, Control Freak wrote horrible things about Slade on Twitter:
“He is a PUSSY!”
“The Noob doesn’t even have a Twitter account, cos he’ll know I’ll roast him.”
“If that little bitch is reading this, I challenge him to the ultimate fight and it will be recorded live on YouTube.”
So far, no response from Slade. In his arrogance, Control Freak felt proud of his Salde-shaming.
Control Freak had only two friends; himself and his ego.
One evening after being mean to 9 year old kids about their comic book choices, the fat troll made his way down to his favourite burger bar, that was until a car pulled up and two masked men got out and grabbed the Control Freak.
“Hey, what the?”
One of the men had a cloth with chloroform on it and placed it on Control Freak’s nose, knocking him out.
When Control Freak woke up, he was in a strange metal factory of some sort. He was surrounded by about 50 of the masked men.
And who was in the middle?
Control Freak’s heart skipped a beat. He stood up and looked at the man he wanted to see.
“So, I’m a pussy?” asked Slade in that creepy, yet awesome soothing evil voice.
“Dude, just a bit of harmless banter,” replied Control Freak who was starting to panic.
“You wanted to fight me to prove that you are the Titans’ greatest enemy,” Salde told him. “Well, here I am. I will be generous and offer you the first punch.”
Nervously, Control Freak looked at the masked villain. The fat boy began to pluck up the courage. He did strange breathing techniques which went on for about 35 seconds.
“Some time today,” said Slade.
Which caused his minions to laugh.
The laughter pressed Control Freak’s button and like a crazy fat bull, he charged at Slade, and gave a pathetic punch to his face.
“Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” taunted the minions.
Control Freak suddenly regretted picking a fight with Slade.
“My turn,” said the masked man.
Slade punched Control Freak right in the ribs, which caused the fat boy to fall to the floor.
The minions laughed as one of them filmed Control Freak with his phone.
“You wanted this online, you’ve got your wish,” Slade told him.
The thought of everyone watching him online, boasted Control Freak’s confidence. The fat troll got up and threw a pathetic amount of punches and kicks at Slade, all missing him without Slade having to dodge.
Control Freak was out of breath.
Slade sighed and then he sucker punched Control Freak right in the nose. Control Freak gasped at the sight of blood.
“OH GOOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!” he cried.
Slade punched Control Freak at the back of the head, then his chin and then his neck.
Control Freak was in agony, but was determined not to lose the fight.
He threw another pathetic punch at Slade hitting his shoulder.
“Oh c’mon,” said the minions.
“Yeah, how do you like that, bitch?” the suddenly victorious Control Freak asked Slade.
Slade then headbutted Control Freak right on the noggin, causing the fat boy to fall to the floor.
With Control Freak on the floor, Slade kicked him in the stomach several times.
Control Freak was in pain.
“How do YOU like that, bitch?” Slade asked him.
“You kick like a girl,” Control Freak groaned, hoping that would put Slade off.
Slade sighed, and then dropped his foot down to crush Control Freak’s face.
But Control Freak was relieved to find out that Slade’s foot was just hovering over his face.
The fat boy was in tears of pain and fear.
Slade looked into the Smartphone.
“The Titans Greatest Villain,” he said sarcastically.
“I give up,” whiched Control Freak. “I don’t wanna be the Titans’ greatest villain anymore!”
“Why?” asked Slade.
“Cos you’re better than me,” cried Control Freak.
“Kid, I’m not trying to be the greatest Villain of all time,” said Slade. “I never was. I’m trying to make the Titans my apprentices.”
“Why?” asked Control Freak.
“That is none of your concern,” answered Slade. “But know this: Go back home to your video games and comics. Get a decent job and stop trying to be a villain. You have nothing against the Titans, you’re doing this for attention. And if I ever see you again, I will kill you. Understand?”
Control Freak nodded. He got up and walked away in pain. He didn’t care about being humiliated, he just wanted to get out of there.
Back home, the Control Freak laid on his bed in pain. He was bloody and bruised all over. He cried in defeat.
“Some day…………….,” he wept. “............. I WILL be the greatest villain EVER!”
The next day, he went to the comic book shop he worked. He didn’t slag off anyone for their comic book choices. He just didn’t care. He was depressed all day.
That night he came back to his apartment and saw a letter lying on the floor near the door.
It was an invitation to go “Ey Up’s”, the British themed pub (“Ey Up” is Yorkshire slang for “C’mon”) that Saturday.
“Who would invite me?” asked Control Freak.
He thought about avoiding it, but he was too curious.
So that Saturday, he went to the pub, and when he opened the door…..
There was about 50 people there with party hats, balloons and a banner saying “CONGRATS, LAD!”
“Well done, me old china!” said Mad Mod.
“What is going on?” asked Control Freak.
“Fuckface, it’s a party for you, for fighting Slade,” said Gizmo drinking an alcopop.
“But I lost,” said Control Freak.
“But you actually picked a fight with SLADE!” said Jinx.
“Yeah, we’re too scared to fight him,” said Mammoth as he held onto his pint glass, but accidentally broke it due to his strength. "Shit."
“We all saw the video on YouTube,” explained Mod. “And you’ve got balls, son. You’re the actual Dog’s Bollocks.”
“Er….. thanks,” said Control Freak.
"He looks like a ballsack!" laughed Gizmo.
“Boys and girls, we’re gonna party all night long!” announched Mod.
“The Hippie Shake” played on the Jukebox and everyone danced and partied away.
Control Freak felt honoured, yet felt like a fraud.
“What’s wrong, mate, you look depressed,” the Brummie Bartender told Control Freak.
“This party is great and all, but I didn’t win,” said Control Freak. “You’re all celebrating my failure.”
“Ah, who cares, mate,” said the bartender as he snorted cocaine. “The important thing is, right, you tried, kid.”
“Mmm,” said an unenthusiastic Control Freak.
“Feeling blue?” asked a female voice.
Control Freak saw who it was.
“Dude, you were beaten by Slade,” she said. “But at least you were beaten like a man.”
“I wanted to win,” said Control Freak.
“Well, Slade is tough, but I have powers, whereas he has none,” Blackfire said as she lit a joint. “How would you like to team up?”
“When?” asked Control Freak.
“How about now?” asked Blackfire. “I know where he is.”
“Okay, let’s go!” said Control Freak.
He got up and he and Blackfire headed for the door, but Control Freak stood on vomit.
Gizmo groaned. He couldn’t hold his drink.
Control Freak and Blackfire made it to a warehouse. They walked inside and saw Slade standing there waiting for them.
“Good work, Blackfire,” he said.
“Huh?” asked Control Freak.
“You are so stupid,” Blackfire told him.
Slade’s men grabbed Control Freak and brought him over to a post. Then they tied him to it.
“What did I tell you?” asked Slade. “If I see you again, I’ll kill you. This was a test and you fail due to your gullibility.”
He handed Blackfire a briefcase.
“Thank you, Slade.”
“I hope we meet again, my sweet,” Slade purred to Blackfire as they kissed.
“You are so great in bed,” replied Blackfire.
Then she flew away with her briefcase.
“As for you, Control Freak,” said Slade. “Time to die.”
One of Slade’s men was on a forklift and he revved up the engine. He charged at Control Freak with the prongs ready to impale him.
Control Freak screamed as the fork lift came closer and closer.
The forklift turned black and hovered into the air. The driver jumped off as the forklift flew across the warehouse and into the wall.
The Titans made their way over to Slade’s goons. Robin used his staff to fight them off, Starfire used her beams, Raven used her powers, Cyborg used his beam and Beast Boy turned into a ferret and started going up the leg of a goon’s trousers. The goon laughed as the ferret tickled him, but stopped as Beast Boy bit him somewhere private.
Beast Boy ran out of the leg of the screaming man’s trousers and turned back to his normal form.
“Ugh, I saw his wang!” cried Beast Boy in disgust.
“Was it bigger than yours?” remarked Raven.
With the goons all defeated, there was just Slade left. But he was gone.
“Damn!” cried Robin.
“You guys are pathetic!” cried Control Freak. “You let him get away.”
“You know what,” said Cyborg. “We were thinking about untying you, but we’re just gonna leave you. See ya!”
The Titans began to walk away.
“Wait! Wait!” cried Control Freak. “Dudes, I’m kidding. I want to be rescued. You did an awesome job. Slade was so scared, he ran like a little girl.”
“Says the guy who had his ass handed to him by Slade,” remarked Raven.
“Okay, I’m sorry, could you untie me, please?” asked Control Freak.
The Titans walked back, and Beast Boy turned into a tiger and clawed the ropes off.
Control Freak was thankful to be free, but the Titans looked at him sternly.
“Never pick a fight with Slade again,” warned Robin. “We might not save your life next time.”
“Sure,” said Control Freak.
“And don’t trust my sister ever again,” added Starfire.
“Go back to your party,” said Cyborg.
And with that, the Titans went home and Control Freak walked back to the pub.
He was so depressed. Not only that he lost to Slade, but he was rescued by his arch enemies.
He made it back to the pub and opened the door.
“Where have you been?” asked Mod. “We were about to give you the Bumps.”
Control Freak told them what happened, and let out a sigh.
“My failure is not worth celebrating. Goodbye.”
As he was about to leave, Mod put his hand on his shoulder.
“Mate, don’t try to be the Greatest Villain Ever, just enjoy what you do,” he explained. “If you’re trying too hard to be Number 1, you’re not having fun.”
Control Freak thought about this and understood.
“Okay,” he said as he walked back into the pub.
Everyone cheered and lifted the Control Freak.
“Here we go! The Bumps!” announced Mod. “1, 2, 3!”
Everyone all threw Control Freak into the air, but they threw him too hard and he hit the ceiling and came falling back down lying on top of everyone.
“Oh, I forgot how fat Americans were!” groaned the Brummie bartender.
“Sorry,” said Control Freak.
“I need to go to Casualty,” groaned another Brit.
‘Casualty’ is Brit slang for Hospital.
“At least it can’t get worse,” said yet another Brit.
But then Gizmo vomited all over everyone.
“UGHHHHHHH!!!” everyone groaned. "YOU LITTLE CU....!"