Ode to joy.
O Freunde, nicht diese Töne!
Sondern laßt uns angenehmere anstimmen,
O friends, no more of these sounds!
Let us sing more cheerful songs,
More songs full of joy!
Joy, bright spark of divinity,
Daughter of Elysium,
Fire-inspired we tread
Within thy sanctuary.
The lyric pure and joyful surged through Fred’s mind, Cas closed his eyes. Usually human music left him cold but this particular tune always reminded him of home. So pure the tone, so ecstatic the words, so damn hopeful; humanity expressing the divine so much better than angels ever had. He had to go home, he had to fix things. Not only for himself, but for Dean, he had to be better.
It was all about choices at the end of the day and taking responsibility for his actions. He told himself that this would be best for heaven, but he knew he was lying to himself. He had to clear up his own mess, for his own sake. His phone vibrated in his pocket, he fished it out reluctant to leave the music. Dean, the phone informed him. He glanced at Fred, the psychic was asleep, fathoms deep in dreams.
“Hey buddy.” A pause on the other end of the line, “Are you okay Cas? I was worried after what you said earlier.”
“I am fine”. Cas tried to sound reassuring.
“Cas don’t give me that bull crap.” Cas was not sure how to answer, when had things got so complicated? When had it got so every decision was painful. He closed his eyes, knowing the pain his grace would cause him for the next lie he told.
“I’m okay Dean honestly.”That falsehood cost him dear, a flaring of pain along his wings a bloody tear down the cheek. Anna had said it got easier to lie, he had begun to doubt that. Every time it hurt more even if he did not always cry tears of blood or lose a few feathers to the fire of lying. He wiped his eyes with the end of his tie. The red stuff made a permanent stain, he stared at it a moment.
“Come over.” Nearly Cas said no, something in him told him to say no, but he ignored it. He took a breathe.
“Where is Sam?”
“out, are you coming?”
“I'm there now” Cas snapped the phone shut and looked up at Dean, repressing the smile that always tugged at his lips when he saw those green eyes.
“what’s going on Cas” Dean asked.
“I don’t know” He answered truthfully. He slipped his trench-coat off dropping it on the bed and turned his attention to the hunter in front of him. “But I have been missing you since purgatory” he watched the muscles contract in Deans throat. For a moment he thought Dean would deny those moments, but he took a hesitant step forward.
“I missed you and I am worried for you” Dean whispered, his expression hurt.
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Say you won’t do anything stupid.” within touching distance now, Cas stroked Deans cheek.
“I can’t promise that”