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The Looking Glass

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"So, why are we all here at asscrack o'clock?" A familiar, yet alien mop of silver hair, littered with random brass beads and a tiny lone braid in back, lolled to the side as it's owner lounged upon what could only be described as a throne before a small gathering of people. Though rather inornate, the chair still held a regal aire, looking like some kind of antique. Even if the twentysomething dressed in faded grey sneakers, black jeans and a grey tee shirt that read "Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult" in messy blue writing didn't. One eye covered by a black patch decorated with a blood red fire kanji. The other black eye's gaze bored as hell.

"My lord, this parasite has allowed his spawn to taint one of my house!" The elder Hyuuga raged. "I charge Shikamaru Bloodshade Nara with rape and use of forbidden magic."

"Really now?" Kakashi raised the uncovered brow. "That explains the unholy hour. You want to use the New Moon's energies at their prime to reverse... whatever. Well, prime for this point in the lunar cycle. Continue."

"Lord Hokage, my son has done nothing the Hyuuga brat didn't allow. As I have tried to explain to Elder Hyuuga several times, the bond the two now share can A) only be initiated and cemented thru consensual intimate contact and being what it is B) cannot be broken without almost certainly killing one or both in the process." Shikaku's double yawned. "Personally, I'm all for it. Kid's too damn sweet and perky to be stuck in a loveless bond with whoever you would surely pick for him eventually. That and my boy's been decidedly less...aggressive since they began courting."

"Agressive?!" The elder roared. "I don't doubt many a death and missing person in Konoha and possibly Suna is the direct responsibility of your murderous boy. Your clan is well known for it's darker magics and the insanity your bloodline breeds. I have no doubt your homicidal spawn used some foul spell to ensnare my grandson's mind."

"Maa, maa. Then that says a whole hell of a lot about the famed Hyuuga Sight then doesn't it. Neji, coven name Delphi, is the strongest psychic your line has ever produced. I doubt he wouldn't be able to see something of that nature in a vision or intentional divination. You favor tea and tarot reading right kid?"

"Oh! Um... yessir." Two brown pleats cinched with white bows framed the rounded fey, pale face of Neji. A deep blush covered both cheeks and the bridge of his nose. Much to the disgust of his grandfather. This version seemed a far cry from the one the shinobi world knew. For one, though addressed as male, he looked quite feminine and cute in a white spagetti strap sundress, pink shawl and pale pink ballet slippers laced up to his knees. A pale pink and lavender scarf tied about his neck. The outfit completed by elegant pink lace (though fingerless) gloves. He also, unfortunately, appeared quite frail.

"Well then, what really happened? It's no secret your strength is in your powers not physicality. Nor is it that psychotic and/or sadistic more accurately describes Bloodshade than aggressive. Did he force himself on you? The gloves are cute but I can still see hand shaped bruises on your wrists from here. An most young witches only cover their neck and shoulders that way these days to conceal something. Perhaps at some point during the attack you began to enjoy it? There's no shame in admitting it if it's true Delphi." the Kakashi clone, this world's Hokage drawled. "Nor is there in truthfully saying you love him and your relationship is indeed one of consent. I'm sure healer Eir can attest you have been quite fragile since birth."

"N-no sir! I do love Bloodshade very much. I know he would never hurt me on purpose." the poor child had turned completely red by now. Slowly he removed the shawl and scarf to reveal fresh purple blotches everywhere. As well as two small puncture wounds along the juncture of his neck and left shoulder. "I bruise if my socks are slightly snug sir. He apologized profusely for um, these, um, after but I told him it was okay. It didn't hurt...and I don't don't exactly mind when he bites me. We didn't get around to healing before my cousins barged in and brought me home. Then grandfather refused to let me. For, um evidence."

Not once did he look up from his shoes. In the far back, his uncle (his second name here was some kinda bird...iris...isis..Ibis!) looked somewhere between relieved and resigned. The man seemed to know this wasn't gonna end well before the meeting was called. And wanted to be ANYWHERE else.

"I see. And where is the accused?"

"My son had to be restrained and magically sedated. Our strongest members are keeping him that way as we speak with help from Yamanaka Elder Henbane. Had the ruckus not alerted my quick thinking wife I have little doubt Hyuuga Manor would be bathed in the residents' blood over this idiocy. Which brings me to my counterclaim Lord Hokage. Elder Toth betrays his namesake, having ordered members of his clan to infiltrate the Nara Estate. That's tresspassing to start. The barrier around Bloodshade's room prevented entry until after their bond had cemented at which point they destroyed the door and his balcony window to gain entry in the name of retrieving their 'endangered' kin. What they did in fact do happened to be kidnap a new member of MY clan straight from his marital bed. I misspoke earlier. My son did nothing the former Hyuuga brat didn't allow."

"Maa, maa Toth. Clan Head Dusk has you there. That ritual is ancient and had fallen out of favor when the Third reigned but is nevertheless as valid as any other marriage contract. Just with a few more dire caveats than it's modern versions. When in vogue, more blood magic oriented practitioners were it's users. In any case I cannot speak to why a 16 year old Oracle and 17 year old Kyuuketsuki would invoke such an ironclad bond without hearing from said 17 year old bloodsucker as well. Since that is not safe nor sane at present and you all should be fucking grateful my lil dolphin saw fit to make me a takeaway coffee laced with chamomile before this audience here's the deal." the Hokage clapped his hands, stood up and motioned to Delphi. "You, go home with your father in law so your new spouse can be safely brought out of his induced coma without eviscerating someone. The two of you are to report to Eir, Vasuki, and Hehu no later than noon today for a thorough exam. One of the Yamanaka -not the 80 something old man you drug out of bed for this nonsense- will then conduct a mental evaluation."

He then pivoted to the other side of the room.

"You come up with a better story than what you just told me. I know for a fact you had no plans to marry him off so don't bother with that song and dance. Also pray these invasive procedures yield a leg for you to stand on. There are two likely outcomes. One involves a possible death sentence. The other heavy fines from the coven bylaws, a possible civil case and whatever vindictive shit I think up for being called in to work at 3 am. Have fun figuring that out. Don't do anything stupid in the meantime. Jaa ne!" the silver top chirped before that infernal eye smile and carefree wave mirrored the one he had grown used to. Right before the man vanished in a swirl of leaves.

The scene went black and Naruto flopped back on the mattress to stare at the ceiling, pointedly ignoring the definely cursed standing mirror at the foot of the bed. All he wanted was something to replace the one that used to be mounted on the wall. Before he fell into it 3 days ago. Not a window into some freaky deaky otherworld.

Another world where:

Kakashi-sensei was Hokage. Dressed like a punk teen.

Neji acted more like Hinata...and dressed like a girl. A really pretty but super weak and sickly girl.

Shikamaru seemed to have Gaara's bloodthirsty personality. And was an actual vampire. That's important.

They weren't ninja clans...but freaking witches! Like spells and stuff.

What the fuck did I just watch?!