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Eggsy had been dreading this day for years. Since the day he’d married Harry Hart, in fact. He well remembered his own troubles and he hadn’t had half the difficulties his sister was going to face.

Daisy Baker-Unwin had to draw up her family tree.

The extended family reunion they’d taken to Kalokairi was helpful … sort of. How, exactly, did one indicate multiple fathers? Harry shared a daughter with two other blokes—and it must run in the family, since his brother’d had a kid with two dads and a mum, too.

“Harry, I want a divorce!” Eggsy yelled through the house, papers strewn all about as he and Daisy tried to work out who went where and who was related through which branch—and did one include the other spouses and children of some of these superfluous sires? “Just for the week, then we can get re-hitched!”

Harry, for his part, merely carried in a few photo albums and a tray of snacks to help his seven-year-old sister-in-law with her homework.

“Surely it’s not so bad as all that,” he began, though his placating smile dropped a bit as he looked over the scribbled-out messes on half a dozen discarded sheets of paper. “… Well. Perhaps it would be … easier if we could … move the pieces a bit?”

“How?” Daisy asked. She sounded so defeated that Eggsy could only pull her into his arms and hug her, wishing he could take her anxiety away and do the entire assignment himself. She’d already insisted on being involved, though.

“Well, let’s start by writing all of these names on separate pieces of paper so we can move them about. I’ll find some string to show relationships. We can correct mistakes that way. Once we have everything set properly, we can move it onto paper.”

“You brought a fuckin’ circus of a family, babe,” Eggsy accused fondly, sneaking a biscuit and a kiss from his husband. “Who the hell has three baby-daddies all willin’ to help raise the kid together?”

“Sophie, as you well know, is the loveliest girl in the world and I’m lucky to be her father.”

“Me step-daughter is older’n me.”

“And my sister-in-law is a very young lady. We’re … unconventional.”

“Guys, shut it and help!” Daisy moaned. She’d scribbled everyone’s names onto scraps of paper and now she wanted to finish. “I know you, Eggsy, an’ me an’ Mummy, an’ me dad … an’ Mummy an’ Dad’s parents …”

Eggsy smiled. That part was easy because their side of the family tree wasn’t a mutant bush.

“Well, I’d go here, next to your brother since we’re married,” Harry explained, shifting the pieces of paper as he spoke, the threads tangling like overcooked noodles, and by the time he got back to Sophie Daisy’s eyes had glazed over again.
“I’m gonna fail. Nobody’s gonna believe this tree’s real.”

“Nonsense, dearest. Your teacher will understand.”


Daisy’s teacher did not understand.

“She said I made it all up!” the girl yelled, slamming the front door to Harry’s house behind her. “She said you can only have one dad per kid!”

“Well, that just ain’t realistic anymore,” Eggsy said. He helped Daisy take off her backpack and found the tree. “We got a ridiculous family. But it’s a good one.” He hugged Daisy tight and kissed her hair softly. “Go have some ice cream, babe. I gotta work out how to sort this.” As soon as Daisy was out of sight, Eggsy looked over the teacher’s comments—including the one where she’d crossed out JB (‘DOGS AREN’T FAMILY’, she’d said).

Well, that meant war. And the outcome was going to rely completely on superb coordination. Thank fuck for Merlin, Daisy’s unofficial uncle. He would be chuffed to help.


Two months later that bright red ‘F’ still hung of their refrigerator. Motivation, Eggsy had explained, gently straightening Daisy’s costume for her school play.

Her teacher would never doubt her word ever again after tonight.

After all, the extended family took up most of the audience in the small auditorium.

When the show ended, the applause for Daisy was thunderous, and her teacher stepped over to ask who everyone was. Sure, she’d meant it in that offhand polite way all posh folk did, where one wasn’t supposed to answer truthfully, but Eggsy well remembered his roots, and his sister’s honour had been impugned. He smiled at the woman and explained who everyone was, right down to their relationship to Daisy. “… so y’see, she actually deserved extra credit on that damned family tree project. Bet you couldn’t’ve sorted this lot half as well as she did.”

Daisy’s grade was changed to an ‘A’ before they’d even made it home after the show.