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To have you beside me

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“Jess?”, Kara yelled from the kitchen. While waiting for the other woman's response, she began chopping the onions.

“Yes?”

She was greeted with her girlfriend's dirty blonde head peeking past the kitchen door, her expression seemingly neutral, the slight trace of worry in her warm brown eyes almost invisible.

Kara's gaze softened. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.”

Jessica let go of the door and, making her way towards Kara, replied with a quick “you didn't”.

“Do I get a good morning kiss or what?”, she asked as she pushed bowls of chopped vegetables and exotic-smelling spices she did not remember buying aside and settled on the counter, legs on each side of Kara's body.

Kara rested her hands on Jessica's shoulder and took a moment to inhale the scent of shampoo, lavender perfume and warmth before drawing her into a chaste kiss. It only lasted for a few seconds but enjoyable nonetheless. Kara was the first one to pull apart.

“You sure?”

Jessica nodded rapidly, never breaking eye contact. Kara examined her body language – having trained for the CIA wouldn't be for nothing, at least – and after reassuring herself Jessica was telling the truth, she pulled her into a kiss again. This time, it was long and intense.

Jessica knew that gaze. While she knew little about her girlfriend's time working for the government, training techniques and observing people during undercover jobs were things she had told her about. She'd showed her, too. Watching random people in the park and making up their life stories while pretending to talk through an earpiece was the best date they'd ever been on. The night after certainly hadn't been unpleasant, either.

She really didn't mind. She knew Kara was only looking out for her and she always tried to show how much she appreciated it.

Kara's hands wandered to the bottom of her ribcage and the moment she smirked into the kiss, Jessica knew what she was up to. Kara's fingers dug into The Spot she had discovered only recently and that she loved to make Jessica squirm with – as expected, she did. She squirmed and cried and giggled and by the time Kara decided to have mercy, she was completely out of breath. Kara smiled at the sight contentedly.

“I have to get back to working now.”

Jessica debated on protesting but she really didn't want to disturb – Kara was making lunch after all, she had been for the last five days straight, and Jessica didn't want her to think she was ungrateful or disruptive. But she also wanted affection, sometimes. But she didn't want to bother. But...

It was Kara's voice that pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Jess?”

Blushing, Jessica slid off the counter, muttering a soft “sorry” before heading to the living room. Just when she was about to open the heavy glass door, she felt a hand reaching for hers, indicating for her to turn around.

“You don't have to be,” Kara said firmly. “You weren't annoying me. I didn't intend for it to come across that way. It's fine,” she added after a few beats of silence had passed.

Clenching her jaw, Jessica nodded and let herself be pulled into a hug. There was a five inch difference in height between them so the place under Kara's chin was basically made for Jessica's head to be tucked into. With her right hand buried in Jessica's hair and her left hand rubbing soft circles on the small of her back, Kara mentally cursed the man that had caused so much pain and distress. She'd kill him if he wasn't already dead.

“I think...”

Kara parted from the hug, just slightly, to be able to read the other woman's expression.

The words came out in a higher pitch than intended so Jessica cleared her throat. She tried again. “I think I'm okay now. It's just that, sometimes, it feels like I'm reliving the emotions. It makes me fall back into old habits. Or just... be self destructive. Sometimes it makes me not do anything at all. I'm sorry.”

Kara planted a gentle kiss on the top of her head before pulling away completely. She'd always tried to find balance between encouraging Jessica to speak and not wanting to set her out of her comfort zone, so this was a breakthrough for them, she supposed. She'd imagined his scenario countless times before – Jessica opening up to her – but now that she actually has, Kara wasn't sure what to say. She'd never been close to her parents and relationships hadn't really been her thing either – if things got too intense for her liking, she would simply disappear – so this was new to her, too.

Jessica didn't seem to be bothered by it. Kara was doing her best, and even though she wasn't great with words, her gentle touches, reassuring smiles and small gestures spoke for themselves.

“You don't have to apologize. It wasn't your fault,” was the only thing she could think of to say.

Jessica clenched her jaw stronger and nodded, the pools of water in her eyes starting to empty themselves in the form of silent, wet streaks across her cheek.

“The onions?”

She let out a shaky laugh and wiped them away.

“Can I help?”, she asked after a while, looking up at the taller woman sheepishly.

“Oh, right, lunch. Sure. I'd love that, actually.” She added the last part quietly before indicating for Jessica to follow her back to the kitchen counter.

-

They ate lunch in comfortable silence. Kara was busy shoveling piles of fusilli and vegetable sauce into her mouth and Jessica was equally captivated by the adorable sight and concerned about how the lack of chewing would affect her digestive system.

She also noticed how Kara filtered the liquidy part of the sauce out with her teeth and preferred to only eat the chunks of tomato, broccoli and pepper and made a mental note to use less water next time.

-

“It's sunny,” Kara was squinting outside the open window while putting away the last few dishes. “You wanna go for a walk?”

-

Besides the far away sounds of children playing somewhere and an elderly couple chatting with each other on a bench, the park was rather empty. Leaves were rustling in the wind, flowers were just about to bloom and it was finally warm enough to not freeze to death in jeans and a cardigan.

“I was thinking about what you said,” Kara professed carefully. Jessica titled her head. “Earlier. About falling back into old habits.”

Jessica nodded slowly, waiting for the other woman continue.

“You don't have to... you can speak up now, you know. If something is bothering you, even if it's something I said or did, if it's bothering you, we can talk about it. That's the way… this is supposed to work,” she said, accompanying this with a vague hand gesture she didn't know of what it was supposed to mean.

Jessica swallowed, searching for the right words. “You can talk, too. I know it was... difficult for you to get used to this kind of life after your last job. But you've done amazing and I'm proud of you.”

Kara blushed at that. She was used to people complimenting her exterior, sure. And it wasn't rare for Jessica to tell her she was cute, or adorable or something. But this was the first time she'd ever told her she was proud and Kara didn't quite know what to say besides “uh, thanks”. Jessica smiled.

They stopped walking and stood to face each other. “Hey, Jess,” she said softly, cupping her girlfriend's face. “I'm not great at this. If you want, we can search for, uh, professional help. Which doesn't mean I don't want to hear it,” she clarified quickly. “But someone who is experienced at this might be able to help you – help us – better than just me.”

“Okay, yeah. I think... I might know someone. Her name is Iris.” Kara smiled and nodded. The first time she'd brought up therapy, Jessica didn't want to hear a word about it. That's progress.

“But don't say that.” Jessica continued, shaking her head. “You're not just you. You're Kara. You're my cutie pie,” she grinned, and Kara grinned back.

And, with a quiet voice, she added, “You're my everything.”