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I should go

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When he first heard yukhei crack the joke he didn't think much about it, it was yukhei after all, one of his better friends in nct or one of the few he really knew in deept but he really wouldn't say hearing someone calling him fat didnt hurt because it would be a lie, it did hurt a little bit but at first he just said to himself that it was fine and it was because he had heard worst things about his body from his own mind, his own demons inside and sometimes from others they thought were loved ones.

It was all fun and games. And then his diet started to be a big part of the conversations his members had, sometimes as a joke they would throw here and there other times it would be serious conversations, like comparing they weight with hims or talking about how much they weighed when they were gonna debut for the first time. It started to make him embarrassed and to feel ashamed of living in his own body, why did it take him much more time to lose weight that any of the others? Why he had to struggle so much? when will he stop being so damn useless?

His self esteem only got worse when he started to see the fat kun joke every time he posted something, even his own fans could see how unhealthy he was, and that hurted him so much, he wanted to be a role model for all of them but how could he be when he was so out of shape that everyone keeps reminding him about it.

He knows all his members mean well, they aren't trying to hurt him, they would never. or maybe that is what he really wants to believe, he wants to believe he is liked and loved, that he is important even if he doesnt think that is the case. He wants to belong, he wants to say they all are his friends. He loves them all and he wants the best for them even if the best doesnt have him in the picture.

His rational mind tells him they are trying to encourage him but the chest pain keeps growing every time, he has to watch them eating whatever they want while they are joking about him eating his small salad.It hurted even more when the kids pointed how fat he was after they told him he couldn't eat certain things because it had too many calories. He keeps repeating to himself that they are nice people that they aren't trying to make him feel this awful. He is only really susceptible. He is only a cry baby.

He remembers that there was a time he was really comfortable in his body, he loved to live in his own skin and he thought he would never be sad about himself or the way he looked. He was confident in his everything, from head to toes, now he doesn't even want to watch himself in videos when the others do, sometimes it's hard to watch himself in the big mirror on the bathroom, most of the time he just see pictures and feel out of place.

The worst is that he really tried, he tried with all he got, but the scale wasn't his friend, he would do his diet and exercise but the same numbers keep appearing over and over again like trying to laugh at how pathetic he is. He tried other methods, perhaps he started skipping some meals and maybe sometimes he would end up throwing up if he thought he had ate too much, he did know that what he was doing wasn't right, he really did but he had not other choice, he couldn't be looking ugly and fat when all his members were shining brightly on the stage. He couldn't let himself be the visual hole of an eighteen member group, it would be tragic.

He started soon enough asking himself if he hadn't debut properly only because how he looked, he started questioning himself if he really deserved to be there with all the others, if he deserved to even be loved by some fans, if his fans really liked him or if they were there only because of pity, he is convinced he is a pathetic excuse of a human being.

He is isolating himself more and more from his members and they aren't trying to stop him. he doesn't ask for help because he isn't vulnerable, because he can overcome whatever this is but sometimes he really needs someone in moments where he feels little, like he doesn't have a value. They don't see him hurting and he wish they did.

He is so so tired, he is so tired of everything that he keeps thinking about leaving, about going home to cry in his mother's arms, about going home and leaving the stress of being an idol, he keeps thinking about what he is gonna say to his family, about what he is going to say to his members but probably they would hate him much more than they already do so he cant go, also he already promised to be there, to never leave this thing that johnny keeps calling family but how can they be a family when he really thinks they all hate him. they all hate him because he can't be the mood of the group like donghyuck or yukhei, they hate him because he can't be as talented as dongyoung, taeil and jaehyun when singing or he can't dance as well as ten do, he isn't even as cute as jungwoo and the kids. Maybe they really hate him, he only matters when they are hungry and want something to eat, maybe they hate him because he is sometimes extra shy. he have heard before that he has no personality. He isn't like any of the others that have they personal thing, they all have a speciality, like really what is he in nct? The boring one? he is so dispensable.

Always after beating himself constantly for long minutes kun would finally allow himself to fall asleep hating everything that his person represents, he sleeps with warm tears in his face.