For as long as Yugen can remember, she had always romanticized death. When she was only 9 years old, she longed for one last caress. A kiss from a broken mirror, perfect for her fragmented soul. She ran a shard across her forearm, reveling in the strength that it gave her when she felt she had none.
When she was 11, the men her mother brought home liked to tell her she was a very pretty little girl. Luckily for her, they never touched her. Unfortunately, her mother noticed the potential of her developing daughter. Yugens mom was a very spiteful and very bitter person and forced her to eat more than she wanted. By the time she was 12, she weighed nearly 200 LBS. The kids at school that she once called friends made fun of her and began to ostracize her. The sensitive little girl that tried so hard to be vibrant and social became withdrawn and isolated. As her sanity waned her temper grew and it was one more thing her mother had to use against her.
One day while waiting in the backseat of her Grandparents car, Yugens mom cleared her throat and leaned over to her. "Next week, we're going to a psychiatrist and you're going to do exactly as I tell you" Yugens mom whispered firmly. "If you're a good girl, after the session we'll go and buy cool stuff!" She said with a bright enthusiastic smile that made Yugen smile in return. Yugen loved that smile, that smile made her feel loved and reassured. "But if you're bad and you disobey me, I'll make you eat a bucket of tuna when we get home." She stated her demands in a soft motherly tone. Yugen let her head fall nodding with somber compliance, thinking this was normal behavior yet aware that something was wrong. Yugen felt as if she were being ripped open as she stared blankly at the passenger seat in front of her. Her insides felt as if they had fallen to her feet, everything from her rib cage down to her toes began to feel hot and tingly as if a fire within her solar plexus engulfed her lower body; creating a security blanket allowing her to go numb.
From that point on, Yugens mom used various antipsychotics and antidepressants to keep her daughter's behavior in check. Her mom also threw her in institutions whenever Yugen cut herself or attempted suicide. Yugen had a hard time focusing in school and staying awake due to the medication. Regardless of how emotionally detached she felt most of the time, she still cried every day. Kids at school bullied her constantly because they thought she was 'retarded and gross.' She felt fat, weak and stupid and she absolutely loathed herself for it so much it enraged her. When Yugen was 14, she developed an eating disorder. She would starve herself for days after mothers punishments and would purge every meal to control her weight. She didn't lose a significant amount of weight but she lost just enough so she didn't feel nearly paralyzed. Yugens grandparents were no help. They told her she was way too privileged to be this upset and that she was just a spoiled child. Her mother's treatment of her was discipline and that she should learn to behave better.
However, despite how weak Yugen seemed she was stronger than what most people gave her credit for. When she turned 18, she vowed she would lose the weight and find a job. She was an adult now and her mom had no say so, therefore she no longer had any excuses. She was determined not to end up like her mother regardless of how much her independence drove a wedge between them. When Yugen was 23, she moved away from her mom and never looked back. Now, at 32 they're still estranged.