Ah, yes. Nothing like the human pile of garbage Keith Pembroke to make Jake's week that much worse.
"Great!" he leaned forward and hissed at Amy. "The Vulture's here. What does he want? To steal all our cases and make us all feel like morons?"
Amy blinked. "Yes, that's exactly what he wants."
"Ah, Dammit, I forgot who we were talking about for half a second," Jake sat back with a huff and turned to face Pembroke as he approached, strutting in his dumb alligator skin boots and reeking of Axe Body Spray.
Pembroke removed his aviators to expose a set of tan lines perfectly melded to the shape of the glasses. He smacked at his gum loudly, winking over at Amy as he stopped at Jake's desk. "Hey, Santiago, what say you and me get together later? You can cook me dinner and find out just how truly luxurious these Egyptian Cotton undies really are."
Amy stifled a gag and pushed to her feet, pasting on her most fake smile. "Detective Pembroke. I...don't think that would work, see...I'm dating Jake, so.." she shrugged a little bit.
"You and Peralta?" Pembroke cackled like a madman. "Mad props, turd brain," he addressed Jake directly. "What'd you have to slip her for her to want to be with you?"
"Nothing!" Jake threw his hands up in exasperation. "My God you are a disgusting human being. How can you somehow smell like an eighth grade boy and have the same level of sleaziness as the perp I locked up for soliciting sex from moms at a playground?"
Pembroke winked and Jake had to cringe. "Special talent, dick face. Now uh, where's this big juicy case I hear you're almost done with? It's been a lousy week over at Major Crimes, and Papa needs a win."
"You don't seriously think I'd just let you walk away with my drug ring?"
"Oh, dip! A drug ring? That'd definitely make Sheila from accounting want to bang this!" he did an inappropriate gesture towards his crotch that made Amy roll her eyes.
Pembroke looked at Jake and sobered, raising his brows. "No drug ring? Cause uh, I'm pretty sure you just said the words 'drug ring' right into my face."
"I wish you wouldn't talk about me and your face in the same sentence." Jake muttered as he deflated a little, digging for the file and picking it up. "Alright, fine. Here's everything we know so far about it. I've got pictures, current leads, printouts of the chatter, and detailed finance records."
The Vulture held up a surprisingly manicured hand. "Uh, yeah, no. I'm gonna have to stop you right there. See, I'm not here to do that grunt work stuff. I'm here to watch you two bozos solve my case, so I can do the bust and take all the credit. Here's how it's gonna go down: you and Santiago are gonna get your lily white asses in my car, and I'm gonna drive you around till you two finish this case. Then I'm gonna call the guys, and we're gonna swoop in at the last second like we always do, and steal your moment of glory." he crossed his arms with a smirk. "Interesting fact, a lot of women will sleep with you if they think you did all the work on a case."
Jake's mouth worked as he watched Pembroke turn and walk towards the elevator.
"C'mon, dumb dumbs! Time's being wasted to make me look awesome!"
"I hate him." Jake muttered as he shrugged into his hoodie.
"I know you do," Amy sounded tired as she gathered up the files and followed Pembroke. "But we have to work with him or he won't leave us alone."
Jake trudged alone after her, wondering what fresh hell the afternoon would bring them.
As it turned out, it was worse than he'd been imagining, which was not a surprise. The Vulture's car was a pristine bright blue Mustang with a white racing stripe and a rude vanity plate that he'd gotten from the impound lot. Jake and Amy made eye contact and did a frantic game of rock paper scissors that ended with Amy being satisfied as she crammed herself into the back seat of the car. Jake was forced to read out statements to Pembroke as they drove, and to listen to him make mocking comments about his voice or his manner of reading or the fact that he paused where the commas should be "like a nerd"-- Amy gasped softly from the back seat. He was actually thankful for the break he got on the way to the second informant's house when Pembroke forced Jake and Amy to swap places so they could listen to his band at top volume while he ran costume ideas by Amy.
By the time they'd started to realize they probably wouldn't hit any new leads on the case, Jake was defeated. He was tired and grumpy and upset, and Pembroke kept harassing him or saying derogatory things to him. It really hurt his feelings. Jake sneaked a look up front and made sure that Pembroke was preoccupied with driving and doing a solo on air drums before ducking down slightly so that he couldn't be seen directly in the rearview mirror, sticking his thumb in his mouth and sucking on it greedily. He didn’t notice Pembroke’s brow raise that said he most definitely had seen it.
Once they got back to the Nine-Nine, Amy headed inside immediately to get away from The Vulture, and Jake was all set to follow her, and maybe text Kevin once he got back upstairs and see if he could come over. But Pembroke had other ideas.
“Hey, Peralta! Not so fast, dill-weed.” He caught Jake’s arm and turned him around before he could go inside. “I’m not done with you yet. Imagine my surprise when I was in the middle of a kick ass air drum solo, only to catch a glimpse of you in my mirror, sucking your thumb like a dumb little baby.” Pembroke was clearly gleeful that he now had dirt on Jake.
Jake felt his heart clench painfully, a blush rising to his cheeks. “I-that’s not…it isn’t what it looks like.” He tried his hardest.
“Really? Cause it looked to me like you’re a big ol’ baby.” Pembroke squared up, hovering over Jake menacingly. Jake hated how tall he was. “Are you a big dumb baby? Just say it and I won’t tell anybody, and this little spat will be completely done. I won’t tell everyone in the Nine-Nine about how their golden boy sucks his thumb like a big dumb loser baby. Like that? I added the word ‘loser’ to make you feel more like a loser.”
Jake felt himself slipping as he licked his lips and sighed. “Alright fine. I’ll say it. I’ll say whatever you want, just…don’t tell anyone.” The squad already knew, but Jake was afraid about who else the news might get out to, with it being The Vulture in charge of the information.
Pembroke smiled gleefully. “Alright. Then uh, say ‘I’m a big dumb diaper wearing baby’,”
Jake felt himself start to tremble a little, hands fisting at his sides. He was really due for slipping into headspace, and damn it if he didn’t remember that he had to pee really bad when Pembroke mentioned diapers. Even if he didn’t wear diapers because he wasn’t a baby. “I..” Jake tried his hardest and had to take a minute to compose himself.
“Come on, you big dumb baby,” Pembroke taunted. “Are you gonna cry? Just say it already! The sooner you belittle yourself the sooner I can go inside and flirt with that hot girl that makes the copies downstairs.”
“I’m…a big dumb…diaper wearing..baby.” Jake whispered, looking down at his shoes and shifting a little bit.
“That’s what I like to hear!” Pembroke crowed, and spit his gum directly onto the sidewalk. “Alright, later, dummy. Time to go put the moves on a single mom.” He turned abruptly and sauntered inside, whistling to himself.
As soon as the doors whooshed shut, Jake broke down. He started to cry silently, shoulders shaking and teardrops falling onto his sneakers as he tried his hardest to pull himself together so he didn’t have an accident. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there before someone made a soft noise of sympathy and he was suddenly wrapped up in a pair of strong comforting arms. A slight smell of chalk dust and floor wax clung to the lapels of the woolen coat that pressed up against his cheek. Papa.
It took him several minutes to stop crying, and by then he was desperate to go to the bathroom, squirming around and knees shaking. Papa pulled out of the hug and Jake whined loudly.
“I know,” Papa said sympathetically as he pulled a handkerchief out of his coat and wiped at Jake’s face. “I know you’re upset. I saw Detective Pembroke leaving. Maybe later you can tell me what he said to you to make you so upset, but I think right now we have to get you inside and to a bathroom.”
Jake nodded tearfully, blowing his nose obediently when Papa said to. He watched Papa fold the handkerchief and put it back in his inside pocket. “Potty,” he whispered urgently, stifling an urgent whine.
Kevin reached out and held the door open. “There’s one just around the corner. You go in and I’ll wait right outside for you.”
Jake practically sprinted, trying his hardest not to look crazy as he pelted inside and around the corner, yanking the door of the single toilet bathroom open and not waiting till it had fully closed before he was fumbling at his zipper. He could hear Papa standing right outside and talking to someone, and it made him feel safer as he frantically shoved his pants down his legs and sat down on the toilet. Jake was so glad he’d managed not to pee himself in the precinct, he’d never live that down. He managed to get himself dressed and to wash his hands by himself, but by the time he was opening the door up he was gnawing at his lip, desperate to try and suck on his fingers.
He tapped softly at Kevin’s shoulder and Kevin smiled at the receptionist. “If you’ll excuse me, Marie.” He took Jake’s elbow gently in one hand and propelled him swiftly towards the elevator. Once inside, he patted at Jake’s back lightly. “We’ll just go upstairs and get your things, then tell Daddy we’re leaving.”
Jake nodded softly, mechanically moving out onto the floor and shoving his things back into his bag haphazardly, logging off his computer. By the time he’d straightened up and pushed his chair back in, Kevin was smiling at him as he walked back from Holt’s office. Jake turned immediately and headed for the elevator, mashing the buttons insistently.
“Did anybody see me?” he asked, leaning into Kevin as soon as the doors closed.
“Nobody noticed you,” Kevin assured, but somewhere in his mind Jake was sure that he was half-lying. But then, he didn’t care much right now because he was going home with Papa.
Kevin was worried about what Pembroke had said. Jacob was withdrawn the entire ride home, and even when Kevin dumped his toys into the bath, he didn’t want to play. He massaged the shampoo into Jake’s soft hair and hummed quietly. “Jacob? Can you talk to Papa? Can you tell me what Detective Pembroke said, baby?” Jake seemed to go stiff under his hands, whining softly and sticking a rubber duck in his mouth, chewing nervously. “Come on, baby,” he coaxed as he scrubbed a little more, hoping to relax him again. “Please tell me, I’m sure you’ll feel better without those icky words inside your head.”
Jake put the duck down and tilted his head back obediently as Papa picked up the cup of water to rinse his hair off with. “Was mean,” he started. “Saw me suckin’ my thumb and said mean things. Made me say mean things.”
Kevin maneuvered Jake back upright and started to massage the conditioner into those curly locks. “And what did he make you say?”
“Papa, he was real mean! He made me say I was a dumb thumb sucking diaper wearin’ baby!” Jake’s lip quivered. “Notta baby. Don’t wear diapers.”
“No darling, you don’t. And Daddy and I are both very proud of you for that. You’re such a big boy, using the potty all by yourself.” Kevin rinsed out the conditioner. “And I assure you, none of the mean things he said to you are real. You are most definitely not a baby and you are never, ever, dumb. No matter what you do, you’re never dumb. Silly, maybe,” Kevin winked and Jake giggled half-heartedly. “But never, ever unintelligent.” He kissed Jake’s damp forehead. “Now come on, big boy. Daddy will be home soon and I’m sure he’ll want a clean boy to give hugs and kisses to.”