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If You Don't Want Me To Destroy You

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Commander. Good evening.


Or is it Captain? Lieutenant, even, by now?


excuse me?


Private? Prisoner?


who is this


A friend.


all my friends could just yell down the hall instead of messing with me on comm, try again


We’ve done plenty of the things friends do. You’ve visited my home. We’ve shared some light-hearted mockery.


when i visited your home


i wouldn’t happen to have been strapped to a chair, would I?


Would that narrow it down for you?


ha ha


I’m not acquainted with how good Republican boys spend their leisure time.


answer the question, smartass


You were. But my roommate enquired as to your comfort, did he not?


holy shit


You know me now, then?


what is this?? what do you want?


An end to this conflict.


you got a funny way of showing it asshole


To explore our common ground, then.


you have got to be fucking kidding me


Do I strike you as a man who likes to joke, Private?


you ARE a joke


and i did not get busted down to private your intel is bullshit


Ah. That would truly have been a waste of a man of your ambition and vision.


… sure buddy?


You took action when you thought your leaders were steering you in the wrong direction. I admire that.


I can relate to that.


don’t even bother claiming it was you did the big boss in, i already got the full story


from a reliable source


Let us just say that I did not mourn his passing.


And that his passing did not quell my concerns about my organisation’s future.


is that so


It is. But I must go. We must speak further. You can reach me on this channel - it is secure, but we should still exercise caution.


You can call me … Red Peril


espionage and subterfuge are things you usually have minions take care of, aren’t they gingermuffin?


morning sunshine


wanna cut the foreplay today? I don’t have time for this cloak and dagger crap.


You’re a straightforward man. I appreciate that.


flattery will get you precisely nowhere


Do I need to spell it out? I think we have the leadership and vision to set things right here!


aw, muffin. are you saying you want me to be the boss of you?


Certainly not.


don’t be shy


I am SAYING that I think our interests converge. People would have to hold their noses to an extent, of course. But beggars can’t be choosers.


can they be executed for war crimes?


Cross that bridge when we come to it.


huh. well, i think i hear what you’re saying  


You don’t have to decide this minute. But think of what I could offer.


oh, I am. I’ve seen those naughty holos.


Those parody holos are disrespectful and disgusting and their distribution is prohibited and the actor does not even look like


Wait, how do you even


Those are floating around Republic space now?


i’m a resourceful man, pumpkin. it’s why you like me.


i’m gonna think about how this might work, okay? you’re asking a lot of me, you know that.


I do. But I also know I can make it worth your while.


okay are you doing what you do in the holo after you deliver that line because that’s a little forward for a second date


Do you want this or not?


you’re really not helping


Perhaps you could get back to me when you are willing to seriously consider matters of galactic security, Private Pornographer.


how long did it take you to come up with that


i mean, zing


what a comeback


i’m destroyed


get me some ice for this burn


are you still there peaches?


come back i think i love you




hey, look.


I hope you’ve matured considerably since our last exchange.


wow, quick reply, do you have a special alert tone for me or something


That’s none of your concern. The urgency of the matters we discuss only increases.


feeling the heat huh?


I am well accustomed to the pressures of a high-level role, thank you, but my working environment has been quite unsettled of late, as I’m sure you can imagine.


aw poor you did someone bomb the shit out of it and kill a bunch of your friends??


Was that sarcasm? Because yes, actually, someone did.


oh boy we are not getting into this right now. look. you’re really serious about … the thing, right?




Though I would need some … assurances.


ohhh here we go


You’re not the only one taking a tremendous risk here! We both have a lot to lose. Both of us are under a lot of scrutiny at the best of times.


I guess. buddy of mine used to say i got the ‘poster boy blues’.


Well, quite. It’s difficult enough to have a quiet drink, let alone personally conduct clandestine operations that could alter the fate of the galaxy.


yeah i don’t exactly want this in the holopages or someone’s autograph hunter site


There are few who can understand the burden that comes with inspirational leadership.


okay let’s calm down and talk about your assurances


Ah. Yes. Well.


cmon. don’t ask don’t get.


It’s rather delicate.


you’re really testing me and my resolve not to joke about those holofilms again




you still there??


not again


Did you really have any information about my mother?




oh boy.


Please, I never knew what happened to her.




There was always talk of her defecting. It was no secret she and father never got along.


They pretended but I always knew, I could feel the resentment.


buddy, have you been drinking?


Hardly at all, and it’s none of your business if I have.


alright. well. I’m thinking I might start.




I’ll see what I can scare up, okay? it’s not like they give me, yknow


everything. like, right then, yknow? in the middle of everything.


Of course. I’m sorry. It was


Silly of me.


no, no, totally legit i can see why you would ask like this is clearly a very sensitive personal subject and not anything to


take lightly.


I should go.


okay you make sure to drink some water


I’ll check in tomorrow with that deal-sealing important intel that we definitely have






Good evening.




I, uh, i see you got the files I sent.


Yes. You are a man of your word.


absolutely i am


It’s difficult to know what to make of it after all this time. In a sense I hardly knew her.


kinda the same with my mom. she was away a lot, what with the war against your asshole predecessors.


I know. Green Squadron. Battle of Endor. They were the scourge of the galaxy’s rightful rulers.


damn straight




hey, wait, do you have a file on me?


Anyway, now that we’ve established some trust I think we can move things forward?


‘established trust’?? send me my file


I fear the section on your vanity alone might overload your servers.


alright you keep it for your private amusement. every story you’ve heard is true. every photograph is a pale imitation.


Even the Resistance swimsuit calendars?


ESPECIALLY the Resistance swimsuit calendars.


I think we should meet in person.


I’m sure you do, peaches. those calendars were a very limited run, must’ve worked hard to get your grubby hands on ‘em


I meant for security reasons. It’s dangerous to keep leaving a trace like this. And as matters progress, we need to avoid the details falling into the wrong hands.


you’re getting better at this spy shit, red peril. yeah, i think you might be right.


Neutral ground is difficult to come by these days, but I think I’ve identified a suitable location. I’m sending the details through. We can confirm the final details there, and … move on to the next stage.


not getting cold feet, are you?


Don’t worry about me.


it’s sorta been my job for quite a while now. tough habit to break.


There’ll be plenty of other worries to focus on once this is done, I can assure you.


gonna have to get used to worrying about you in whole new ways huh


I can get away in 9 days’ time. That will surely be enough for, well. You know.


Goodbyes, and suchlike.


better not. not in any way they’ll know it at the time.


I understand.


it’s tough, but big picture, right? fate of the galaxy and all that?




You won’t regret this.


hope not. I’ll be at your crummy cantina on time. drinks are on you.