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and hyu all haff lotz of schtupid

A reader asked:
My mother-in-law doesn’t like me. Should I keep making bids for her affection, or assassinate her and make a grab for all her underworld business holdings?

Auntie Agony replied:
Hm. Normally hy vould tell hyu to keel her und be done vith it, but you haff to be more careful vhen love is concerned. Hyu luff hyur spouse, and they probably luff deyr mama. But hyu shouldn’t haff to vory about makink her like hyu either. Is not hyu problem.
First talk to hyur spouse if hyu haffent yet, und ask how dey feel. Den, either dey help giff hyu an alibi, hyu decide to risk de kill anyvay, or hyu chust tear deyr business right out from under dem vhile dey are lookink de other vay und hyu are distracting dem vith hyur snail casserole. Dot vay hyu spouse still has deyr mama and de mama knows to fear hyu.


A reader asked:
I brought a housewarming gift to a Spark and he immediately incorporated it into his newest project. Is it wrong to feel offended?

Auntie Agony replied:
Hyu ken feel vhateffer hyu vant sveethot, but I dunno vhat hyu vere thinking vould happen! Hyu know vhat madboys are like. Next time hyu vanna giff vun a present, chust get a wrench and be done vith it. Is vhat dey like anyvay.


A reader asked:
How do I balance fashion and assisting in the lab if I can’t afford couture lab coats?

Auntie Agony replied:
Vell, dere are a couple tings hyu ken do. Hyur first option is de jaeger vay. Find somevun vith a nize labcoat und fight dem for eet. Now hyu gotta be careful here becauz hyu dun vanna mess up de coat before hyu can vear it. Second option is learn to sew! Dere are lotz ov cheap vays to make hyur labcoat look a bit nicer. Chust fitting it instead of vearing one-size-fits-all can go a long vay! Third option is check thrift stores and estate sales. Dere are lots of options out there, pick vhat vorks for hyu.


A reader asked:
My son does not ride with the Jägers but really likes them. Is it rude for him to wear the horde symbol to show his support? I’m worried he’ll be dragged away on a hunt if he’s wearing it in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Auntie Agony answered:
First ov all hy tink hyu mean right plaze at de right time. Hunts are verra goot. Second, hy dunno how stupid hyu tink ve are, but ve do know who ve ride vith. Chust becauz hyu dun haff green und pink skin doesn’t mean ve kent tell hyu apart! Third, if he vants to show his support he should vear a trilobite and support de Heterodyne like efferybody else. Horde symbol is for de horde and de vuns vhat got de guts to fight vith us instead of cheering on de side.


All ov hyu need lotz of help, und hy em unfortunately here to help hyu. Send hyur schtupid letters und i make hyu better.