ENTER THE VEGAN
Bruce Wayne was celebrating his 39th birthday in his mansion. He had invited most of his friends, including the Teen Titans.
Bruce was also going to give the Titans a cheque for $5,000 to keep them going throughout the year.
The Titans had mixed feelings about going to the party:
“I’m just there for the booze,” said Raven. “If anybody even dares to say hello to me, I’ll show them the visions of Hell.”
“It’ll be all grown ups,” moaned Beast Boy.
“There will be daughters of Bruce’s friends there too,” said Robin. “Some of them are 18.”
“Okay,” replied Beast Boy.
“Oh, I am excited about the socializing of others,” said Starfire excitedly. “The conversations, the banter, the laughter, oh, I am so excited.”
“I’m happy for you,” Raven replied sarcastically as always.
“Well, I wanna check out Wayne’s equipment,” said Cyborg. “I wanna check out his car collection.”
“On condition that we don’t enter the Batcave, that is,” added Robin.
So the Titans parked their car outside the Manor and arrived inside the building.
Robin, Beast Boy and Cyborg were in tuxes and Starfire and Raven were in dresses.
There were over 300 guests there. All of them were drinking wine, joking away and talking nonsense.
Starfire was over the moon, but Raven made her way to the bar.
“Give me white wine and leave the bottle.”
Cyborg was going gaga over the technology that Bruce had; the massive 4K TV and 4K Blu Ray player, the state of the art games room filled with every arcade machine known to man, and the high tech bathrooms.
“I said it before, and I’ll say it again,” began Cyborg. “Bruce Wayne is the luckiest bastard of all time! Period.”
“OH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! That was sooooo funny!” laughed Starfire.
The three people she was talking to were confused.
“I didn’t tell the punchline yet,” said the man.
“Oh,” replied Starfire. “But the story was funny anyway! HA HA HA!! Hey, I’ll go and socialize with those girls over there.”
She walked over to three moody teenage girls.
“Hello, girls,” greeted Starfire. “So, how about that Twerking?”
Bruce was talking to Robin and Beast Boy.
“Don’t worry, Beast Boy, there is a vegetarian option,” said Bruce.
“Phew,” said Beast Boy.
“Also, we have the finest Vegan chefs this city has to offer,” Bruce told him. “One of them is a girl called Beth, and she would like to meet you.”
“Seriously?” Beast Boy asked excitedly.
“Sure,” answered Bruce. “I’ll take you to her now.”
Robin and Beast Boy followed Bruce to the games room, where a nervous girl was waiting for them. She had chestnut hair and pretty green eyes.
Bruce brought Beast Boy over to her.
“Beast Boy, I’d like to introduce you to Bethany Madden.”
“Pleasure,” said Beast Boy as he took Beth by the hand and kissed it.
Raven, who was watching nearby just groaned.
“I need another drink.”
So, Beast Boy and Beth began to get to know each other.
“Yes, my mom is a vegan chef and I followed her footsteps,” said Beth.
“Awesome,” said Beast Boy.
“You know the restaurant ‘Millie’s’?” asked Beth.
“Your mom is Millie?” asked a stunned Beast Boy. “That place is awesome!”
“Glad you like it!” squealed Beth.
Raven was just boozing away at a bottle of vodka, until she heard Starfire telling a huge crowd of people:
“I have a witty anecdote of my own. I actually caught my friend, Raven mastering the Bate!”
Suddenly Raven got up and ran over to Starfire. She grabbed her and brought her over to a corner.
“What the hell are you doing, you stupid bitch?” asked an angry Raven.
“Telling my new friends a witty anecdote,” answered Starfire.
“You do not tell anyone about your friends MASTURBATING!” growled Raven.
“Why not?” asked Starfire.
“YOU JUST DON’T!” snapped Raven. “Do you talk to people about the last time you took a shit?”
“That means feces, right?” asked Starfire.
“Yes, dumbass!” shouted Raven. “You don’t tell anyone about me masturbating ever again, or I will kill you!”
“Okay,” said Starfire. “What’s it like?”
“What’s what like?” asked Raven.
“Masturbating,” answered Starfire.
“You’ve never done it?” asked Raven.
“No,” answered Starfire. “Could you show me?”
“No!” snapped Raven. “Look just watch videos on YouTube showing you how to do it, okay?”
She walked back to the bar in a huff.
“No way, your mom actually punched Gordon Ramsay in the face?” laughed Beast Boy.
“Yep, and he cried like a little girl,” answered Beth.
“Oh! Too awesome!” said Beast Boy.
“Would you like to see a movie on Tuesday?” asked Beth.
“Yes, please!” answered Beast Boy.
“Here’s my number,” said Beth as she gave B.B. a piece of paper with her number on it.
“And here’s……,” began Beast Boy.
“That’s okay,” laughed Beth. “I’ll just call Titans Tower.”
“Okay,” said Beast Boy.
That night, Beast Boy climbed into bed and swooned.
“The sexiest vegan since Olivia Wilde,” he said as he drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, Starfire was in her room watching a YouTube video on her tablet called “How to Masturbate For Women”.
She carefully watched the non-graphic educational film and was intrigued.
The other Titans were still in bed and they were awoken by a loud scream from Starfire.
They all ran to Starfire’s door.
“Starfire! What happened!” cried Robin.
Starfire opened the door and had a big smile on her face.
“I’ve just mastered the Bate,” she said. “And it was wonderful.”
“Good for you,” groaned Raven.
“Raven, could I borrow your ‘Magical Michael’ DVD, please?” asked Starfire.
That day, Beast Boy got a call from Beth. They talked and talked and talked and talked.
For a good 5 hours.
“So, what movie you wanna see?” asked Beast Boy. “Ladies’ choice.”
“Death School 1996,” answered Beth.
“You like gory horror movies?” asked Beast Boy.
“Yeah, I’m not into that girly rom-com shit,” said Beth.
“YOU ARE SO THE PERFECT WOMAN!” cried Beast Boy with delight.
So Beast Boy and Beth saw ‘Death School 1996’ and it was gore-tastic.
Throughout that week, they went shopping together, went to the carnival and yes, had fantastic sex.
Naked Beast Boy and naked Beth were in Beast Boy’s room.
“I’ll unleash the tiger,” growled Beast Boy with seduction. “I don’t mean literally turning into a tiger, of course.”
The naked couple got down to business on the bed.
“Oh Beast Boy, you’re an animal!” cried Beth with ecstasy.
“I know, baby,” purred Beast Boy.
After the sex, they cuddled each other.
But they could hear Starfire moaning with pleasure next door.
“Sounds like Starfire’s having fun,” said Beth.
“Yes! Yes, Channing!” cried Starfire.
“Channing?” asked Beth.
“She’s watching ‘Magic Mike’ AGAIN,” answered Beast Boy.
“My favourite movie besides ‘300’,” replied Beth.
“She never masturbated before,” said Beast Boy. “You know, being an alien. And once she popped, she can’t stop. It’s been going on all week.”
The next morning, Starfire was walking funny. Her legs were all wobbly.
“You okay, Star?” asked Cyborg.
“Mastering the Bate is great fun,” explained Starfire. “But maybe I’ve been doing it too much.”
“How many times a day have you done it?” asked Robin.
“26 times yesterday,” answered Starfire.
There was silence.
"You're worse than Anna Kendrick," remarked Raven.
“Star…...er, doing it once a day is fine,” explained Robin. “But doing it over and over again is bad for you.”
“Yeah, your wrists get sore and you’ll lose your eyesight,” said Raven.
“Well, my eyesight is in superb condition as always,” replied Starfire. “But it is worth it. Look at my physique.”
She showed off her incredible abs and arms.
“Soon, I’ll have a body like Wonder Woman,” said Starfire. “I wonder how many times a day does she master the bate.”
Later, Beast Boy was walking down the street to his favourite Vegan store. Until he passed “Fat Baz Sterd’s Burger Bar” and got the shock of his life.
He saw Beth inside eating ribs!
Beast Boy gasped in shock and stormed inside the restaurant.
“Oh…...er, hi, Beast Boy,” said an alarmed Beth.
“Beth, how could you?” asked a hurt Beast Boy.
“Beast Boy, these are……….er………. vegan ribs!” explained Beth.
But Beast Boy turned into a dog and sniffed the ribs.
“Oh………….shit…………,” cringed Beth.
Beast Boy then turned back.
“It’s meat,” he said with tears rolling down.
Then he left the restaurant crying.
“Beast Boy!” cried Beth.
The sobbing Beast Boy ran back to Titans Tower. The elevator doors opened, and he came into the living room where Robin, Cyborg and Raven were watching TV. (Starfire was in her room doing you-know-what)
The others saw Beast Boy crying.
“She lied……… about being Vegan!” sobbed Beast Boy.
“I knew all along,” said Raven. “I could read her mind. If I told you, you wouldn’t have believed me.”
“I’m gonna be in my room for a little while!” sobbed Beast Boy.
Poor Beast Boy sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He also deleted Beth from his Contacts on his Smartphone.
It had been a whole hour until there was a knock on his door.
He opened it and it was Raven with a bottle of Apple Schnapps.
Beast Boy and Raven were in the kitchen. The demoness poured two shot glasses.
“Tonight my friend, we’re going to have a ‘Fuck the World’ night,” she said. “Don’t give a shit about that bitch, or anyone, it’s just us and us alone.”
Beast Boy drank his shot.
“9% alcohol,” said Raven.
After 45 minutes, they got drunk and laughed and laughed.
“Oh, who needs girls when I have you guys,” said Beast Boy.
“Amen to that,” replied Raven.
Then the elevator doors opened to reveal Robin and Beth.
“You!” Beast Boy said to Beth.
“Look, I’m sorry about lying to you,” explained Beth. “I thought that if I wasn’t a vegetarian, you wouldn’t like me.”
“Beth, I don’t care if you're vegetarian or not,” said Beast Boy. “But why did you have to lie to me about being Vegan?”
“I thought………. You would like me better,” answered Beth.
Beast Boy looked at her.
“Sorry, Beth. It’s over between us.”
“But B.B.,” explained Beth. “I know, I’ll be Vegan from now on. Are we cool?”
Raven looked at her.
“Beth, uck-fay ff-oy.”
Beth looked at her.
“That means…..,” began Raven.
“I know!” snapped Beth. "And for the record, my mom really did punch Gordon Ramsay in the face."
"Yeah, I read Gordon Ramsay's Tweets," replied Beast Boy.
And with that, Beth walked into the elevator and it brought her down.
“Screw her,” said Raven.
“I just did,” laughed Beast Boy.
The next day, the Titans were fighting a criminal inside a giant mechanical spider on the streets.
Beast Boy turned himself into a T-Rex and pinned the giant spider into a corner.
Starfire flew beside the spider. She was going to use her beam to create a hole at the side of the spider so that they could pull the criminal out.
But just as Starfire was about to fire her beam....
Her wrist was sore. She tried again. And it hurt just as much.
“It's a sign for you to stop!” said Raven.
“I think you’re right,” replied Starfire.
“Allow me,” said Cyborg as he fired a laser beam cutting open the side of the head of the spider. Then he stretched his arm and pulled out the criminal.
“You’re going to the fuzz, dude,” said Cyborg as he fired an ice beam at the criminal freezing him in an ice cube.
As the police took the ice cubed criminal away, Starfire told the Titans:
“Friends, my mastering of the Bate has become an addiction. It has interfered with my wrist action.”
“Ugh, don’t!” groaned Raven.
“So I will try never to master the Bate again,” said a sorry Starfire.
“Star, it’s okay to do it once a day,” said Robin. “Not 42 times.”
“I am so sorry,” replied Starfire.
“I got a documentary you can watch,” Raven told her.
So that evening, Raven showed Starfire a British documentary called “I Can’t Stop Masturbating”, which is about two men who masturbate 15 times a day.
Starfire was amazed and shocked by the documentary, as it showed how doing it 15 times a day can ruin your life.
“I promise to only do it once a day,” she said.
Then she looked at Robin.
“But I have one way to satisfy my needs.”
She then stroked his chest.
Robin’s hormones were going off the charts.
He then took Starfire by the hand and told the other Titans:
“We have some business to take care off, if you hear any noise, think of it as the wind.”
Then he and Starfire ran off to his room.
The others laughed.
“Anybody up for Shots?” asked Raven
“Let’s play Strip Poker,” said Beast Boy.
“Man, I can’t play Strip Poker cos I am not wearing clothes,” said Cyborg.