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Dean blinks as he puts his small bag down on the steps, his breathing normal, but that’s only because he feels absolutely nothing. He can’t even bring his hand up to knock. The cold of the evening not even penetrating his skin.

That’s all. He was just numb.

He hated that he ended up here, lonely like his worst nightmare. He looked back down at his bag of belongings, it was small, pitiful. Then he looked around the street. It was all so normal, so mundane.

This was the life he always wanted, but he didn't want it like this. He wanted Sam to live next door, and the person inside the house to have the deepest blue eyes Dean has ever seen. A gruff voice, one that not only comforted Dean but made him feel alive, dominated over. He wanted strong hands to pull him into rough kisses, with the scrape of stubble against his own. He wanted blind adoration in the gaze he was looking at, he wanted someone who could pin him down with their strength but also be so gentle. He wanted C--

Dean shakes his head.

He can't focus on that right now. His main concern was to get inside, he needs to do this for Sam. It was the one thing that he made him promise and Dean can't break that. Not after everything that happened.

Dean takes a few deep breaths, forcing his numb body to move and knock on the door. His knocks are quiet, he's certain she can't hear him. But within a few moments he hears footsteps and the lock turning and the door opens before him.

Seeing Lisa used to be like having a tall glass of ice water, a stupid cliché. But now he doesn't feel that, he doesn't feel anything except for the emptiness. He also has a nagging thought in the back of his mind, he wishes her eyes were blue.

"Dean?" She asks confused, squinting into the light she had just turned on to illuminate the front of her house. "What are you doing here?"

Dean opens his mouth to speak, but all he does is close his mouth again. His eyes see it all, playing on a sick loop. Cas exploding. Bobby dying. Lucifer beating the shit out of him. He sees Sam, the real Sam and his eyes fill with tears. He sees Sam falling into the pit, and then he hears screaming, and Sam yelling for his help. He pictures hellfire, and the constant burning torture of hell.

"Hey," Lisa whispers, grabbing his hand, Dean looks at her as he realizes that there's a wetness on his cheeks, the tears had spilled over. "Come in," she murmured and picked up his small bag, leading him into the house.

"Do you mind if I stay here for a while?" Dean whispers, and he hates how his voice cracks at the last word. He's a Winchester, he should be able to fucking keep calm. He doesn't need to cry, he'll figure this out. He'll get Sam out of the pit, he knows he promised him, but he can't keep that promise.

Lisa bites her lip and looks down the hall at a doorway, Dean knows that she's thinking about Ben. Dean is a mess, and that's all fun when you're young and looking for a good fuck, but it's not fine when there is a child involved.

She takes a deep breath. "Okay... let's get you showered, you look awful. We'll talk about this later," she whispered, pulling him up the staircase to the bathroom. He sees there's a guest bedroom, and his heart stops, he doesn't know if he can sleep alone like this.

"Can you shower by yourself? Or do you need my help?" Lisa asks, and Dean looks down at her. It's so strange, he's not used to looked so much further to see someone who is worried about him looking up at him. Normally he's close to eye level.

"Uh... yeah, of course, thanks," he whispers and starts to take off his jacket. He's filthy, his jacket is covered in dirt and his flannel is covered in blood, sweat, and what he can only assume is tears, he doesn't remember crying, but Dean is good at blocking out any emotions, and any bad memories, he has to be.

He finishes undressing when Lisa leaves to make him something to eat. Dean steps into the shower and lets the hot water wash away the last of the blood on his body. he stares at the taps, his mind going blank.

Well at least, he tries to make it go blank.

Instead he's thinking about everything that happened today, and his body shivers. He knows that he'll be having nightmares for as long as he lives, and he knows that he'll never be okay, so he forces his mind to go blank again. Each second he compartmentalizes the bad thoughts, each one.

He starts with deep blue eyes, and rough hands, deep groans, and pants.

He finishes with "it's okay Dean, I got him" and then steps out of the shower.

The numbness washes over him again, and it takes all Dean has to get on the fresh clothes in his bag. It's a weird sensation, to feel so much but nothing at all. His mind keeps trying to claw open those boxes, demanding for it to be felt, but instead he just finishes getting dressed and walks down to the kitchen.

"Feeling better?" Lisa asks as she puts a plate of eggs, hash browns, and toast in front of him. Dean forces himself to eat it even though he's not hungry.

He doesn't answer her question, because it's stupid and he doesn't want to pretend right now. It's taking all it has not to just fall into the thoughts that are filling his mind.

Lisa takes a breath and leans against the counter, Dean stares at her, he knows she's probably going to kick him out, since Dean is such a fucking mess and there's a kid involved in this scenario.

"If you’re going to stay here Dean, we have to set up some rules. I can't have you in and out and being... being you when Ben is here. He needs stability, something you and I never got as kids, and that means you can't be as flaky as you normally are."

Dean nods. "Understandable," he murmurs and takes a deep breath, "I came here with the intention of staying Lisa. I've lost everything, so I don't plan on going anytime soon, if that helps." He whispers and stares down at the glass of water she gave him, wishing that it was something stronger.

Lisa nods and takes his hand. "Come on, let's go to bed, I'll let Ben know that you're staying with us for the time being."

Dean nods and gets up, surprised that she leads him to her bedroom.

“Get some rest Dean, you might feel better in the morning.”

He takes a breath and lays down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. When he forces his eyes closed, he can’t help but to imagine deep blue eyes and rough panting against his skin.

Chapter Text

A month later

 Dean walks into the grocery store, his mind wandering as he walks down the aisles. One of his chores is to do the grocery shopping, and he loves every minute of it.

 It’s mind numbing to walk around the aisles, picking which fruit is the best and grabbing enough meat to last them for the next two weeks. He loves to barbeque so he’s on a mission to find some nice pieces of steak for him, Ben, and Lisa to have for dinner tonight.

 He used to hate this part of his life, the strictly mundane. But now as he got into the swing of things, he finds it peaceful. He doesn’t have to sleep so lightly he could hear a pin and wake up, although he still does, but the fear of demons killing him and his loved ones in their sleep isn’t always weighing on his mind.

 Well, okay, it is, but he could forget about that fear for a moment if he really wanted to.

 “Hey Dean!” A man calls from across the aisle, Dean looks up and plasters a smile on his face. He’s been faking those a lot lately, but that’s because Lisa insisted Dean make friends. Which to Dean is stupid, because he can’t get along with these people. Not until they know the feeling of a sawed off in their hands, and the hot blood smelling breath of a vampire breathing down their necks.

 “Oh, hey Mike!” He says, dropping the seasonings he was looking at into his cart. He fights the grimaces that wants to come up as Mike walks up to him to talk to him about work. Since they both worked for the same construction place.

 Dean is spacing out, like he’s normally prone to do in these situations. Mike was the kind of guy who could talk for hours without ever noticing that the people around him stopped listening. It’s not like Dean didn’t like talking to people and making friends, it’s just that everything that happened to him makes him hardly want to let another person in. That just makes one more person to watch die when shit hits the fan.

 That’s probably no way to live, but Dean knows that’s how his life works. All his friends are dead, and if they’re not dead, they’re not talking to him. That’s the way of a Winchester, saving the world from impending doom doesn’t exactly make hunters want to talk to you. It normally means stay the fuck away, with good reason. If you mess around with a Winchester it normally ends extremely badly for you.

 So, Dean is forced to pretend he likes Mike, and Mike is not a bad guy, but Dean needs to make sure that he keeps everyone at an arm’s length to keep them safe. That includes Lisa and Ben and even though he and Lisa are technically lovers, he can’t be too attached or tied down by her. That never ends well.

 He looks up when Mike laughs at something and forces a chuckle of his own, and takes a breath.

 “Hey Mike, I’d love to stay and chat but I got to get home and make Ben and Lisa supper. It’s my turn tonight, you know how it goes,” he said and forces a smile as he makes a hand gesture mimicking he’s chained. How repulsive. Referring to your lover as a ball and chain.

 But the words roll easily off Dean’s tongue, and the hand gestures are simple to mimic. It’s all a script that Dean has memorized, he can follow the motions. He was raised by an ex-marine who taught him that the directions and obeying orders are the best thing you can do. This is no different, his directions are going to a job, making dinner, and helping Ben with homework that he barely understands. His orders are to make conversation and pretend like his life with Sam and Cas never existed.

 “Oh yeah,” Mike said and laughed. “Yeah, I should probably get going to, my wife will be livid if I forget to pick up Matthew from soccer practice. See you later Dean!” He said and walked out of the aisle and Dean let out a sigh of relief.

 He finishes up his shopping and heads out to the beat up pick-up truck that he had bought for five hundred dollars and fixed up himself. The impala was sitting in Lisa’s garage, covered in a tarp. Dean can’t look at it, it hurts too much. Lisa tried asking him about it once, but Dean had shot it down.

 There were too many memories associated with that car, and not only of Sam. He sits in the driver side of his car and forces his mind to relax, to stop all the memories churning in his head. He doesn’t need to remember what happened in the back seat of the impala so close to when his world came crashing down. He can’t bring himself to remember the soft words exchanged and promises that weren’t kept.

 Dean feels hellfire tickle up his sides and he quickly shifts the truck into gear, backing out of his spot and heading to pick up Ben from his after-school band practice. He focuses on that, on his mundane life, ignoring the itching in the back of his mind. The memories too much for him to handle so soon. He would face them later.

 Right now, Dean was being a good boyfriend and picking up his girlfriend’s son from band practice. Then he would go home, make dinner, fix the kitchen sink and if he were lucky having sex.

 That’s the only plus side to being in a committed relationship when it’s with someone with as much baggage as what Dean carries. The intimacy, something he never really got. Except with…

 He trails the thought off.

 He enjoys sex with Lisa, it’s normal, predictable. Dean can follow those motions, the building of orgasms. He can get her off so easily, because Dean is good at that. It’s really the only normal thing he is good at, because sex doesn’t involve a shotgun or hiding a knife under his pillow. It’s just movement, almost like a dance.

 First, he kisses her, and gets her into the mood. Runs a hand up her smooth thigh as they make out on the couch, and she whispers that Ben is sleeping right down the hall and suggests they go to the bedroom. He undresses her, lays her down, and so on and so on.

 It took about two weeks before he and Lisa had gotten into the swing of their relationship. It wasn’t easy with Dean waking up from nightmares every night, but she was right there to comfort him in the dark, whispering that he was safe now. That everything was okay. She was there.

 And Dean hates that he wishes it was someone else. He wishes that when he was having sex, it was rough hands pushing him onto the bed, tearing off his clothes. Kissing down his neck as they run their hands over his arms, resting their hand over a burn mark that Lisa never asks about because she knows Dean won’t talk about it. He wishes it was someone bending him over and…

 He shakes his head. It wasn’t the time for those thoughts. But how sick and twisted was that? He was with someone who was there for him through thick and thin, holding his hand, hugging him to her chest when he sobbed. Screaming about hellfire and never asking him what he was talking about.

 Lisa was there in a way that he wasn’t. Lisa at least was there to comfort him as he cried, and hold him through the terrors that plagued him every night. Sure, she didn’t know how fucked up Dean was and how fucked up his life is, but she was there. He fucked off the second it was all over, and left Dean to try and fix the shattered pieces. And Dean knew it was so messed up to be wishing for him when Lisa was the one who was taking care of him.

 He pulls up to the school and put the truck in park, huffing in frustration. It was times like these that he wished he smoked, it would give him something to do. But when John caught him smoking when he was sixteen and broke his lighter and made Dean’s nose bleed, he learned quick that smoking was not the thing to do.

 Ben comes running out of the school, carrying his guitar case. “Hey Dean,” he said as he got into the truck.

 "Hey Ben, did practice go well?”

 Ben nods, and leans back in his seat. “The same as usual,” he says and yawns, pulling out his phone and texting someone.

 Dean snorts, because isn’t that what he was just thinking about his whole day? How everything is always the same.

 He prays that it’s a good thing, because it must be. He can’t be so god damn focused on living such an unstable life. He has what he and Sam used to crave, a normal life. One where they made money honestly and didn’t live in motels and off burgers only.

 But like usual, Dean wishes his life was different, as he thinks about blue as he drives him and Ben home.

 

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“Do you want to talk about it?” Lisa asks quietly, running her hands through Deans sweaty hair. He feels bad, she’s probably having a hard time at work lately with him keeping her up so late. Dean is used to getting no sleep, that doesn’t mean everyone else around him is.

 He shakes his head and looks up at her. In his head, there are still flashes of him and his hands all over Dean’s body. Of Dean crying out in pleasure, his head throw back as he kept giving it to him. And then it flashes to Sam, Sam chugging back gallons of demon blood. Him begging Dean to leave, because he doesn’t want him to see him like this. But Dean refuses. And then it flashes to the sickening snap of Bobby’s neck and then the hard punches thrown to his face as Lucifer punches him. Then it flashes to him exploding, and then Sam trying to comfort him and Dean…

 He doesn’t think, he just needs to stop the flashes of his memory and so he pulls Lisa into a kiss, quickly sitting up and pulling her onto his lap. He can feel her resistance as she carefully kisses him back, he doesn’t blame her, he should probably tell her what’s wrong but in classic Winchester fashion he’ll just bury it.

 Lisa pulls back from the kiss and gasps slightly when he moves to kiss down her neck, his hands sliding up her thighs and up her nightdress.

 “Dean… hey what’s going on?” She asks softly, her breathing shallow as Dean makes quick work of pushing her panties off to the side. “Hey, stop, I want to know if you’re okay,” she whispers again.

 Dean pulls back from the kisses he was pressing against her neck and looks up at her. “No, but I’m trying, please, just let me try,” he whispers.

 Dean waits a moment as he hears her breath catch, he’ll stop the second she tells him to, he won’t push it. But he prays to god that she lets him.

 She nods and he bites his lip, pulling her tighter on his lap so that his erection got some much-needed friction. He groans as he kisses down her neck, pushing a finger inside of her, relishing the sound of her gasp and the feeling of her hips rolling against him as he slowly adds another finger. He begins rubbing along her walls, shuddering as she lets out a moan, finding her G spot as he moves his thumb, slowly rubbing her clit and double stimulating her.

 He lets out a moan as she pulls him into another kiss, letting him move them so that she is underneath him. She’s so wet already, and Dean is drowning himself in it, in the feeling of her warmth of the sounds of encouragement she’s giving him. Of her pushing his head down, of him going down and tasting her.

 “Oh Dean,” she moans, back arching as Dean begins to trace the alphabet over her clit, his fingers still working inside of her. He wants to fuck her, but he knows that she needs the extra stimulation. Dean’s not a selfish lover, and he’ll give her at least one orgasm before he plunges deep inside.

 He closes his eyes as he feels her thighs press against either side of his head. This is good, this is something to distract Dean. He can give her the best head he can, and focus all his energy into that.

 It doesn’t take long before she comes, pulling on his hair as she gasps, trying to stifle her sounds so she doesn’t wake Ben up. Dean wishes he could hear her cries more, but knows it’s for the best.

 He comes back up after helping her through her first orgasm, quickly undressing them both, he groans as he rubs his cock against her thigh, leaning down and taking one of her breasts in his mouth, lapping at the nipple and skin as he reaches for a condom. He feels her scratch at his back and a drop of precome spreads along her thigh.

 "Dean just fuck me already,” She groans as he pulls back to roll the condom on. He knows she’s on birth control, but Dean wouldn’t want to risk it he’s not entirely sure he’s clean. He hasn’t really had much sex recently before her, except well…

 He shakes his head. He wears a condom to be safe, end of story. He knows she doesn’t like it, but he knows she’s grateful after every time they fuck. That way she doesn’t have to question the what ifs in her head.

 He looks up at her from where he is leaving love bites on her breasts and grins, pushing inside of her with one deep thrust. He moans and his head falls forward. “Oh fuck,” he gasps as she rolls up against him.

 He pulls out and pushes back in, lifting her hips higher up so that he can get in deeper. She moans into his neck, running her nails down his back. Dean sets up a brutal pace, knowing it’s what’s best to get her off.

 He feels his own orgasm coming so he quickly reaches down in between them, rubbing her clit in times with his thrusts, shuddering as her cries of pleasure gets louder. He knows she’s close and he just needs her to tip over that edge so he can too.

 After a few more thrusts she’s crying out his name, and Dean closes his eyes, biting his lips against the name that wants to find his way out of his throat, coming hard and fast.

 “Fuck,” he groans after a moment, slowly pulling out of her wet heat, he lays down beside her and takes off the condom, tying off the end and throwing it out. He presses a soft kiss to her forehead as she gets up to go pee, and he whispers a soft “hurry back” following the script he has built for himself.

 He opens his arms for her and she lays down beside him. He presses a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Thank you,” he whispers.

 Lisa looks up at him and raises an eyebrow. “For what?” She asks softly.

 “Not asking me about it, and doing this for me,” he murmurs.

 She shrugs. “I’ve learned that you’ll tell me when you need to tell me,” she murmurs. “Good night Dean,” she adds and yawns, closing her eyes and falling asleep in his arms.

 Dean doesn’t fall back asleep. Instead, he stares up at ceiling, hating himself even more than he already does. Because he wishes that he was holding someone else, someone who is just as muscular as him, who has rough hands, and crazy black hair.

 He loves Lisa, and all that she’s done for him. But he can’t help but wish that it was Castiel laying in the bed with him.

 Dean ignores the burn that opens in his chest as he thinks of Cas’ name, and eventually falls asleep, dreaming of those god forsaken eyes. Dreaming of Cas.

  

Chapter Text

There is one thing Dean has learned the longer he lives with Lisa, and that is he really hates being an average guy.

It's not that he misses hunting. He doesn't miss watching people around him die in the most gruesome ways, and he doesn't miss feeling like he is going to die in the most gruesome way (even though he has to be honest with himself, if he doesn't go out by some demon he didn't live right) he just misses variety. He misses having his life change every once in a while, it was exciting and made it so that Dean didn't get bored.

Because frankly, Dean is really fucking bored.

He's good at pretending like that's not the case. He kisses Lisa on the cheek every morning as he makes himself a cup of coffee and eats a piece of toast. He walks up to Ben and ruffles his hair and tells him to have a good day at school. Then he grabs his lunch that Lisa made him the night before and puts on his steel-toed boots and walks out the door.

He goes into the garage and looks at the tarp-covered Impala for a split second and then walks to his old pick-up and slides in. He plays Van Halen on the beat up stereo system and drives through town. Passing by all the little houses that were built in the sixties, small little bungalows with garages attached to them so that people can live their happy little suburban lives.

Then he heads to work and builds some bigger houses, nicer houses. Houses in developments on the outskirts of the furthest suburbs where richer people can live their happy suburban lifestyles. It was all just a mash=up of vanilla people living simple vanilla lives.

If only they really knew what went bump in the night. That would be something.

Lunch rolls around and Dean sits down with Mike and a couple of his other buddies, shooting the shit and pretending like they all don't wish for their younger days. He ignores them most of the time because he's sick of hearing how much they hate their wives, and how much the girl who runs the cash register at the supermarket has a nice ass.

 hen the work day ends, he goes home, makes supper, cleans the house and then picks up Ben from whatever extracurricular that he's doing that day. And then they all watch some boring horror movie that isn't accurate by any means, and then they put Ben to bed and Dean and Lisa have vanilla sex in their room.

And so, it goes. This is what Dean's life has become. Don't get him wrong, he doesn't hate it, it's a change from how god fucking unstable his life was before, but at the same time, it's not fun. He's not a routine kind of a guy, and Dean is going to go crazy if he has to keep doing the same thing day in and day out.

But unfortunately, that's his life now. One where he is stuck in this stupid routine. If he could remember Mystery Spot, he's sure that's how Sam felt. In this sick and twisted loop where his brothers gone and he can't stop it and he's forced to live the same day over and over.

Except this is Dean's life now, there is no trickster to kill, and there is no way to get out of this life. He promised Sam, and Dean will keep that promise. It also doesn't help that the lore that he was looking at didn't give him any clues as to how to get Sam out.

And so, it goes.

One evening, Dean decides he's going to stay up, just to give himself some variety. Lisa kisses his cheek and goes to bed, leaving Dean alone. Dean feels bad that he feels kind of relieved. It’s only because he doesn't need to keep up pretenses with Lisa around, he can let his mask fall.

Dean looks different, but that's probably because he has stable running water and is not living out of a car. His skin is always sporting his tell-tale five o clock shadow, but it's less tired looking. He's hydrated, and it makes his skin supple. The bags under his eyes are a permanent feature, but he's good at pretending that he's not as tired as he is when Lisa and his other "friends" are around.

But right now, Dean runs a hand through his hair and rubs a hand down the side of his face. He's exhausted, bored, and empty. He'll never tell Lisa that's how he feels, but Dean is just so fucking empty.

Sure, he has his attention set on keeping Lisa and Ben safe, but he doesn't really feel anything, the numbness spreading out to his limbs and tickling the edges of his fingers. Which is strange, because when he was hunting Dean could not stop feeling. He used to wish that his body would just go numb and stop feeling anything. But instead, he would be consumed by everything, and he was just so angry.

Now there’s nothing, Dean doesn’t even feel alive. He wants so desperately to feel alive.

The only exception is when his mind slips and brings up thoughts of Sam and Castiel. He can feel hellfire lick up his sides, and a huge pain fun through his body. It hurts so much that Dean has to force his body to go back to being numb and dead. To feel like something out of one of those stupid horror movies to end the pain.

It’s too late now though, Dean is already thinking about Sam and how much he failed him and his mother, and his father.

He was supposed to protect him, he's the big brother. It's his job. Dean should have said yes to Michael and killed Lucifer when he had the chance. Instead, he let Sam drag himself into the pit. Who knows what kind of torture he's experiencing? It's probably nothing compared to what Dean faced. It's worse, and Dean lays awake most nights thinking about it. Sam shouldn't be stuck there, facing internal torture. He can't bear the idea of it.

He grips his sides and closes his eyes, trying to feel the pain rather than hide from it. It’s what he deserves right? For letting Sammy rot in the cage while Dean is hating his safe and normal life.

With a stuttered breath, Dean gets up. He can't sit in Lisa's living room right now; the air is too hot. He feels like he's suffocating. He carefully walks into the foyer and puts on his boots, throwing on his leather jacket. He makes sure he's quiet as he walks to the garage, opening the door and grabbing his truck.

Dean isn't sure where he's driving, but he knows he needs to drive for a while. It’ll clear his head because to Dean there is nothing like driving on an open highway. It might give him a semblance of the life he used to live. Maybe it will get rid of this gnawing ache that was chewing up his intestines and making him feel like it was better to let the world end.

It's a pipe dream, but Dean can only wish.

After about an hour, Dean pulls off onto a little dirt path, pulling over so that no one will come and bother him. He takes a shaky breath, leaning against his seat, gripping the steering wheel.

Is it good to feel pain like this? He did just think about how fucking empty he was, but this... this is a whole new kind of pain. He just wants it over, he wants Sam back so much that he can't even fucking think about it without becoming a mess. Sam was the smart one, he knew what to do. He would tell Dean he was being overdramatic, that he needs to relax. They'll figure it out because they always do.

"Do we Sammy? Do we?" He mutters, opening his eyes and staring out the windshield. "Because as far as I'm concerned, you're dead, and I might as well be."

He shakes his head as tears fill his eyes and he grips his shoulder, trying to stop it. He can't breathe, and so he throws opens the door of the truck and stumbles out. If he's lucky, maybe a werewolf he pissed off will come and eat him. But the moon's not out, so maybe a shapeshifter, hell he'll even take a fucking demon. Just something.

He leans against a tree and slowly slides down, the feeling of burning consuming him. He can't stop the sensations and he can't stop the sobs that start to break free.

Fuck Dean is such a mess, and all at once that anger he always feels in the back of his mind washes over him and he's punching the ground.

He's angry at Sam, for giving in so easily. For falling into the pit, and telling Dean to promise he will not go after him. He's mad at Bobby for so easily going back to his life, even though their lives were so fucking destroyed after Sam went. He's especially angry at Cas, for everything he fucking did. For healing Dean, and then just fucking off. Disappearing and never answering him.

Dean grips his shoulder tighter trying to inflict pain on the handprint seared into his skin. It’s not close enough, so he rips off his jacket and flannel. He rolls up his sleeve, his breathing coming out in short gasps as he grips the handprint that Lisa will never ask about because Dean will never talk about it. It would make him sound crazy, and it's such a fucking intimate part of him because the only person he' ever shared it with was Cas.

"Is this what you wanted?!" He shouts into the darkness, gripping the scar so tight that his nails dig into his skin. "Just hiding like some stupid fucking angel!? Fuck you Castiel!" He curses and glares into the darkness, hoping he's standing there, that he's listening to his prayers and hurting.

"I never pegged you as a fuck them and leave them kind of guy Cas, but hey, I guess you learned from the best. I taught you well, didn't I!? You call yourself a man? Fuck you, you can't even fucking face me!" He shouts louder, his voice cracking on the last sentence, his anger slowly ebbing as more tears fall out of his eyes, and Dean hates it. He's not this, he's not some man crying about an ex-lover. Dean is a fucking Winchester, and he needs to man up and ignore this hurt and anger like he always does. He must do it for Sam and for Lisa and for Ben.

But he can't force himself up, not when the memories assault his mind. He doesn't fight them off, instead, he closes his eyes. He relishes in the pain of it, gripping his shoulder harder as he remembers the last moments he spent with Castiel alone before it all went to shit.

"I rebelled for this?! So that you could surrender to them?" The feeling of Cas' fists are a welcome release, Dean knows he deserves this. For trying to end this, but he has to save Sam from Lucifer. He limply grips at Cas' wrists, trying to stop him.

"I gave everything for you. And this is what you give to me!?" He shouts, and hits Dean some more, Dean coughs on his blood, trying weakly to stop Cas. Isn't this what he expected though, and he looks up at him.

"Do it! Just do it already!" Dean shouts, and he's instead greeted by soft hands touching his face, and the feeling of pain subsiding as his face is healed and he opens his eyes, looking up into the deepest blues.

Cas is breathing hard, and Dean's lips part, he's seen this look on the angel's face countless of times but this time it's different because this time Dean is looking at him the same way.

"I'm sorry," Dean whispers and his eyes fill with tears as he reaches up to caress the side of Cas' face. Cas helps him sit up, looking down at him and Dean feels things he's pretended he hasn't felt for a long time. But since he's going to say yes to Michael and there's no coming back from that, he's giving in.

"Dean... don't do it," Castiel whispers, his voice wrecked. "You know that there is no coming back when you say yes, please... Sam can't lose you like that. I can't lose you like that."

Dean's breath hitches and he does the first thing his body tells him to, and he pulls Castiel into a kiss. It's a kiss that sets his skin ablaze, exploding all his nerve endings, and creating a whole new realm in his vision. It causes his lips to part, and as cheesy as it sounds if he was standing his leg would pop like some fucking romcom cliché.

He groans as Cas takes his lips parting as an invitation to press into the kiss, his tongue sliding past his lips, chasing Dean's flavour. Dean doesn't know how Castiel knows how to kiss like this but he's not complaining.

A startled moan escapes his lips as Cas grips the handprint on his arm, his eyes rolling back, and his pants getting incredibly tight, and he pulls Castiel tighter to himself.

He doesn't even question it when Castiel pulls him from the kiss and leads him to the back seat of the Impala.

Dean opens his eyes and stares out at the darkness, his breathing ragged. He forces his mind to stop thinking about those memories and to instead focus on getting up from where he's sitting on the ground.

His back is sore, and his ass is numb because it's freezing outside. He grabs his leather jacket and flannel, throwing them back on, ignoring the sting of his shoulder from how hard he gripped it and grabs his car keys.

He's going through the motions, ignoring the darkness around him and the trees. His focus is to get into the truck and head back to Lisa's. He's not going to look into the darkness for a flash of blue and a tan trench coat.

His breathing is still ragged, and he focuses on trying to catch his breath. But each passing second just leaves him more and more of a mess. He needs to get home and have a shower, then he'll calm down. But he first needs to carry his feet to the truck.

"Cas," Dean pants, as Cas pulls him into another kiss as they get into the Impala. He doesn't want to fight him and instead gives into him, running his hands through Castiel's already crazy hair as Cas pulls him onto his lap. It's awkward, the Impala too short and causing Dean to keep his head bowed as Cas assaults his mouth.

He pulls back and lets out a startled gasp as Castiel begins to kiss down his neck, running his hands up Dean's back, then down again, gripping his ass and rolling their hips together. And Dean moans, his head falling forward as he feels Castiel's erection press up against his own. Dean has always secretly loved being manhandled and Cas is pushing all the right buttons. 

"Dean," Cas groans in his gruff voice and Dean knows he's not turning back from this. If he and Cas go through with this Dean will never be the same, he'll always think of dark blue eyes.

He moves off Cas' lap, surprised he let him since Cas was holding his thighs so tightly. He undoes Cas' belt buckle, his breath hitching as he makes a decision within himself. This is something he would dream about, kept in his spank bank to get off to. He isn't going to fight it anymore. He's probably going to die tomorrow, and he just doesn't want to pretend he doesn't have feelings for Castiel anymore.

"You're beautiful," Cas whispers, causing Dean to look up at him from where he's removing his pants.

Dean blushes, and bites his lip, pulling Cas free and going down-

Dean shakes his head and grips the top of the truck, a strangled sob passes through his throat. He needs to stop thinking about it and get home. He doesn't love Cas, he doesn't want him like that. He loves Lisa, and he needs to see her to remind himself of that.

With one more shaky breath, Dean forces himself into the truck.

It takes all he has to shove the key in the ignition, his shaking hands not allowing him to turn the truck on. Dean curses and punches the steering wheel, trying to get some sense into himself. But with each passing moment, the memories get worse and worse.

Dean grips strong shoulders, his breath coming out in pants as Cas roughly lifts his legs up, his face buried in Dean's neck.

Dean's eyes roll to the back of his head and he lets out a strangled moan as Castiel pushes inside of him, almost roughly because Cas knows that's what Dean likes. Dean knows that Castiel knows everything about him and that makes all of this so much more mind-blowing.

Castiel pants against his neck, whispering in Enochian. Dean can't focus on much but seeks Castiel lips, pulling him into a kiss to signal he's ready, his breath catching as Cas pulls out and pushes back in, his mind going blank as he sees stars.

"Dean," Castiel gasps, thrusting into him slowly at first but picking up the pace as Dean arches his back, moaning like some girl from a porno. His nails dragging down Castiel's strong back as he begs Castiel to go harder.

Castiel is gripping his shoulder so hard but that just chokes out a strangled cry of pleasure from Dean's throat. He's so close.

Dean takes a deep breath and stares out at the trees, his breathing evening out, he forces himself to back out of the woods, the shaking in his hands slowing down. The wound that these thoughts ripped open feels fucking awful but at least he can fucking drive.

 His eyes fill with tears as he drives along the highway.

"You're mine Dean," Cas whispers, kissing his mark softly, reverently. "I love you, please don't say yes."

Dean breathes hard through his nose. "I didn't say yes Cas, but where are you?"

Chapter Text

Dean expects the glare he gets from Lisa as he walks into the house, he was so quiet, he was sure she would still be asleep. But she must have realized he was missing, considering it was almost four in the morning.

"Where the hell have you been?" She hisses, keeping her voice down to not wake Ben.

Dean rubs a hand down the side of his tear stained face, looking at her for a moment before walking to the cupboard and pouring himself a glass of whiskey. He sips at it, enjoying the burn it spreads down his throat. It's something to distract him from the pain that is still assaulting his senses.

"Nowhere in particular," he says and shrugs. He can't bring himself to care that Lisa is pissed off. He knows she has every right to be, but since Dean isn't in the right head space at the moment, he almost wants to push her.

Lisa shakes her head and crosses her arms. "Now's not the time to lie to me, Dean. What the fuck were you doing out this late? No one just goes out in the middle of the night to be 'nowhere in particular,' were you hunting?"

Dean laughs softly, it's empty of all humor. It's more of just a slight breathy sigh. He finishes his glass of whiskey and pours himself another one. "No Lisa, I was not hunting. Do I look like I was hunting?" He asks and can't help but think how weird this conversation is to someone who doesn't know Dean. Just a man and his girlfriend getting mad about hunting in the middle of the night. Nothing strange about that.

She pushes her hair back from her face and takes a deep breath. She looks long and hard at Dean, and he sees something in her gaze shift. He can only imagine what he looks like. His hair is a mess, his eyes are red and swollen, and there are tear stains running down his face. His nose is probably red from all the sniffling he was doing on the drive back. His knuckles are split open from punching the ground earlier and then punching the wall of the garage to try and be brought back to reality.

"What happened to you?" She asks softly and walks up to him, looking over at him.

Dean shrugs. "It doesn't matter what happened to me," he says softly and sips at his whiskey. "Look, I'm sorry for leaving in the middle of the night, I just needed some air."

She takes a breath and looks up at him. "We had a deal Dean, you can't just fuck off in the middle of the night. I won't do that to Ben if you're going to go wander off at least leave me a note. So that way I have something to tell Ben if you're not there in the morning."

Dean laughs softly and leans back against the counter. "Ben would do just fine if I left randomly Lisa, don't worry about him. He's strong, he won't be affected by my leaving."

"Don't start arguing with me, Dean. I told you he needs stability, and I won't play your games. Either man up and tell me what the fuck is wrong, or leave." She says and crosses her arms, and Dean knows she's serious. He shouldn't mess with Ben, that's where Lisa draws the line.

And wow, Dean is really a shit human. He knows how much leaving would affect Ben. Ben has never had a stable father figure in his life before, and Dean is taking that place. As much as Dean would rather he didn't, he can't control how Ben thinks of him. Dean shouldn't be so quick to assume anything. But at the same time, he doesn't have the energy to pretend like he's fine and with Lisa telling him he needs to keep up pretenses like he always does it pisses him off.

He can't go back to the empty numbness he felt earlier in the night, as much as he wants to. He can't try and force it, he has been forcing too much in the past few weeks. And so maybe Lisa should kick him out since he's such a terrible person.

It's strangely fitting, really. First, he lets Sam fall into the pit and does nothing to get him back. Then he keeps dreaming of Cas and wishing it was him instead of Lisa that Dean was staying with. And now he's hurting Lisa and Ben. But isn't that how it normally goes for Dean? Push away all the people he loves to save them from himself.

And Dean loves Lisa, there's no denying it. He's loved Lisa since he saw her and Ben all those years ago. But he can't keep pretending like he's okay, because that would not only be unfair to him but also to her.

"My brother is dead," he whispers. He knows that's not the whole truth, but he can't tell her the truth. She would think he was crazy for sure. Dean knows the truth, that Sam would be better off dead than where he is. "He's dead, and I couldn't stop it, and I don't know how to cope. Are you happy now? I told you what the fuck was wrong," he says and pushes past her, finishing his second glass of whiskey and walking up the stairs to the bathroom. He'll have a shower and hopefully feel a little semblance of sanity.

He doesn't miss the way Lisa's breath catches and he hears her say "Dean wait," but Dean is so far gone. He wants to wash off the crusted tears on his face and forget that today ever happened. He'll build up his walls again.

He carefully takes off his clothes and turns on the shower, stepping in under the hot spray and just stands there. It's an ongoing theme of tonight, being unable to make his limbs move. He hears the door open and he ignores it.

Lisa steps into the shower with him and wraps her arms around Deans waist, pressing her face into his chest. "I can't begin to understand Dean, the pain you must be feeling," she whispers and looks up at him.

He looks down at her, green eyes staring into brown. He sees nothing but worries there, and he feels so undeserving of that look. If she only knew all the things going through his mind and all the things he's done, she wouldn't be holding him like this. But Dean lets her, and he pretends it's the hot spray of the shower running down his cheeks instead of tears.

"I'm here for you," she breathes and presses a soft kiss to his chest.

Dean wraps his arms around her and sobs. Maybe this is enough, it needs to be. Because she loves him and he loves her. He must forget his other feelings.

Because right now this must be enough.

 

                                                                                                                                             #

 

Dean runs a hand through his sweaty hair and looks over at Mike, raising an eyebrow. "Did you just ask me to smoke weed with you in the back of your car like we're teenagers?" He asks, incredulous.

Mike laughs and finishes nailing the piece of wood paneling to the top of his garage. "Well, yeah. Jenny hates it when I smoke, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her. And she won't be able to smell it if we do it in my car."

Dean snorts and straightens up, putting down the hammer he was holding. "She'll smell it in the car later doofus, and she'll also smell it on our clothes. Also, Lisa will not be impressed if I come home high. It's movie night and the last thing I need is to eat all the popcorn while Ben wonders why I'm acting so strange."

Mike shrugs. "Come on Dean, live a little. Weren't you just telling me how you're wanting to let loose a little bit?"

Dean frowns. Did he say that? He wracks his memories for when he mentioned that to Mike, but he's only seeing blurs of the conversations he's had. Since he normally tunes Mike out as background noise. But besides that, he doesn't want to get high. He doesn't like being high, it makes him slow and feels out of control. For someone who's lived a life like that one Dean has lived, that's never a good thing.

"Mike I don't smoke, my dad kicked my ass when I was a teenager and I can't even touch the stuff," he says and laughs. "Look, if you want to have a few beers I'm down, but weed is where I draw the line."

He's confused as to why Mike wants to smoke with him so much. Dean hasn't ever shown any interest in getting high with anyone, let alone him. Not to mention it was completely out of the blue that Mike asked him to help on his garage. Normally they make plans to do this kind of thing, but since Dean was trying to avoid Lisa's looks of pity and sympathy, he agreed to hang out with Mike after work today. But it was strange, this isn't how things were normally done by the adults in the suburbs.

"Did you only invite me here to smoke weed?" Deans asks, his voice light and joking but he's worried there's something deeper to it. He's a secretive guy and he can't handle questions, so he prays Mike doesn't have any specifics that he wants to ask him.

How ironic, Dean praying.

Dean looks back at Mike and raises an eyebrow at the look of discomfort on his face. "Man, if you have something to say, just ask me."

Mike bites his lip and Dean tries and ignores the discomfort that is filling his chest.

"This guy stopped by the office today, I was just packing up. He said he was looking for you." Mike says and rubs the back of his head and Dean is automatically on the defensive. It's never a good sign when someone is looking for him. "He looked pretty upset, but we refused to give your information."

Dean frowns. "Did you get a name?"

Mike shakes his head. "Dean are you in trouble or anything? Like this guy seemed like he’s jacked up on shit like he was standing like there was a stick up his ass and his eyes looked so confused."

He can't help but snort at Mike's question. Most people who are after him tend to be jacked up on shit. Whether it be the souls of the damned, or some righteous high horse trying to save the world from the sinful mud monkey’s. It sounds like it’s more so an angel… and that messes with Dean’s head. It’s comical too because when isn't Dean in trouble? Dean being in trouble is like everything needing air to breathe. It just is.

"Mike I'm fine, it's probably just some guy I knew from college." Dean lies smoothly and grabs his cell phone and car keys off the workbench they were using to hold his tools. "Can you remember what he looked like? Maybe that would help me figure out who it was."

Mike nods and chuckles. "It's hard to forget what he looked like, he was dressed like some sort of salesman. He was wearing a tan trenchcoat, suit, and tie, black hair, blue eyes, could use a shave... you okay man? Are you sure he's not someone who's threatening you?" 

Dean kind of stopped focusing on keeping up a charade, his mask completely slipping. His face taking on the serious glower that he normally had before he moved to this suburban wasteland as Mike's words sink it. Trenchcoat. Blue eyes.

He blinks and looks back at Mike. He forces a laugh out of his throat, it sounds strained, even to his own ears and he almost curses. "Yeah Mike, he's not threatening. He's just someone I thought I'd never see again. But thanks for inviting me over, I should probably go home now."

He doesn't hear what Mike says next, doesn't even acknowledge his goodbye as he walks to his truck, throwing the car open and quickly sliding in, effortlessly driving away from Mike's home.

His hands are shaking and he’s trying to focus on keeping his breathing even. There is no reason to panic, he can keep calm. He also doesn’t want Mike to ask him more questions if he sees him having a full-blown panic attack in the cab of his truck.

Dean frowns, trying to figure out why Castiel would be looking for him. He obviously knows where he is, but he figures it's because of the angel warding he put around Lisa's house. He did it not only because he was worried about other angels, he also wanted to keep Cas out. He did it in a moment of pettiness, but also because he couldn't start his new life if Cas somehow got in.

Not that he ever expected him to.

The panic that Dean had been trying to suppress starts to bubble in his throat, choking him. He thought he wanted to see Castiel, but he doesn't. He wants to keep pretending like that part of his life never happened. Or at least try and fail at pretending. He doesn't need an actual physical reminder, to see Castiel in the flesh.

If he sees him, he'll never bounce back from it. But Castiel knows where he works, so he must know where he hangs out and who his friends are. He quickly grabs a pen out of the glove compartment of his truck, carving some warding symbols in the cab. He knows he's acting irrational but Dean can't, he just can't.

The panic is snaking up his limbs and causing his hands to shake. The warding is wobbly, and Dean knows it won’t hold any angel out for long, especially one as strong as Cas. His vision is in hyperfocus and he’s seeing everything crystal clear, there’s a ringing in his ears and every noise sounds like it’s right beside him. Dean knows this kind of panic, it’s the kind he would get while he was on hunts. It serves him well in protecting himself and Sammy, but right now it just made him feel like he can’t breathe.

He's slowly repairing things with Lisa, and each boring day passes and Dean sees himself spending the rest of his miserable existence with her. Because as corny as it sounds, it won't be as miserable with her around.

He doesn't need Castiel to come in and fuck it all up. Dean is happy right now, he doesn't need him to come in and turn his whole world upside down the same way he did the first-time Dean ever laid his eyes on him. Because Dean knows that's what's going to happen. Deep down he has feelings for Castiel that he can't explain, and he would go to the end of the universe and fight any sort of monster in the realms to be with him.

Castiel called it their profound bond and each passing day Dean had spent around the guy had solidified that.

He won't do that to Lisa, and he won't do that to himself. He makes quick work of carving the vigils in his truck and takes a shaky breath, parking the truck in his driveway knowing that Castiel can't cross that line. He's safe for right now, he just needs to find a way to keep Castiel out for the rest of his life.

"Fuck man," he curses and gets out of the car, he freezes when he hears the sound of wings behind him, just on the edge of the warding. He refuses to turn around, he's probably just imaging the sound. His mind was coping with it, trying to remember the sound of Castiel entering a room or landing beside Dean in the middle of the worst times imaginable.

And it chokes him. His breath filling his lungs in short gasps because he just wants to fucking see those blue eyes. Those blue eyes are comfort and warmth. But they’re also hatred and anger and strength. Dean was a pretty dominant guy but those eyes made his knees buckle. But he won’t do that to Lisa.

He furrows his eyebrows, and he's angry because who the fuck does Cas think he is? Coming here and disrupting his life. And he wants to face him. He wants to tell him to leave and never come back. He doesn't need him to make him question his relationship with Lisa because it was all starting to make sense to him. Starting to fall into place.

With a glare, he turns on his heel and faces the sound of angel wings, and he freezes, every word getting stuck in his throat.

There Castiel stands, gorgeous as ever. His black hair a mess, and Dean tries and ignores the memories of yanking on it. His tan coat always the same, and those fucking eyes bluer than the ocean, staring into Dean's soul. Like he knows the ins and out of it. Because Dean knows he does, it's one of the things that always made Dean lose his fucking mind.

But most importantly, seeing Castiel brings tears into his eyes because holy fuck isn't this the tall glass of water he was craving? Dean had been living without water for so long, and sure, Lisa was a refreshing drink, but nothing like this. He was so dehydrated and seeing Castiel just left that relief to wash over him. And man, he feels like he's home finally, and Dean hasn't felt at home since Sam fell in the pit.

Within an instant all the anger he was feeling drains away and he stares into those unwavering blue eyes.

 Hello Dean," Castiel says.

Chapter Text

Dean's breath catches and he furrows his brows, his hands clenching into fists.

"Cas, what are you doing here?" He asks, and he knows that his words probably hurt. He should make Castiel feel pain for everything he did to him. He should tell him to fuck off and sit his pretty little feathery ass up in heaven and leave the rest of the mud monkeys to suffer down here. He should tell him he never wants to see him again. That's how Dean should be reacting, but he can't bring himself to say a single word.

Castiel cocks his head to the side. "You were asking me where I was, I decided I should probably tell you. Also... I don't know what fuck em' and leave em' means, do you care to explain?"

Dean laughs an angry laugh and runs a hand through his hair. "Oh, that's just great Cas, just peachy. I don't need to explain anything to you, you owe me an explanation. Where have you been?"

Castiel bites his lip and all the feelings of home and relief that washed over Dean is slowly subsiding. Instead, it turns into an angry numbness. Which is the usual for Dean, even though he hasn't felt that way since he had thought about how Cas had taken him in the back of the Impala. It's a welcome change, and so he basks in it.

"I can't tell you that," Castiel says and sighs. "I'm sorry Dean, you know I would tell you but this is... classified. I can't share the information with anyone."

"Like hell you can't," Dean scoffs and grips his hair. He's been such a mess for the past few weeks he's shocked Lisa hasn't kicked him out. Ben would be better off if Dean just left like he's prone to do instead of witnessing all his crazy mood swings. "You just said you came to explain yourself, but now you're gonna feed me that bullshit? You can fuck right off Cas, go back to wherever the hell you were, I don't have the time or the energy to listen to your excuses."

Castiel's look turns from pensive contemplation to straight out confusion. "You were yelling for me, I wanted to come and prove that I'm not just a stupid fucking angel as you put it. And I'm not a man, not technically, but I also wanted to show you that I can face you. Why are you so angry Dean?"

Dean blinks, and almost goes over there and clocks the angel out for acting so innocent. He's not innocent. He knows full well what he's done. Dean would pray to him every night the first month he was at Lisa's, he would cry in the truck in the garage when there was privacy and just beg Castiel to come. That he needed him. And fuck those weren't Dean's proudest moments. He didn't want to pine for Castiel like some girl in some soap opera, but every passing day really fucking hurt. He needed to see Cas in order to make sure it was all real. Not only the intimate moments that they had shared, but also his life before Lisa. He was terrified he was in some Djinn induced coma, forcing him to imagine this suburban bliss. But the longer Dean lives in it, the longer he realizes that it's not the case. Djinn induced comas are peaceful, they give you everything you ever could possibly want.

Dean wants Castiel as fucking stupid it was of him to want that.

However, right now he doesn't want Castiel. He wants to punch him and break his hand on his face. He wants to make Castiel hurt because Castiel has made Dean hurt so much and he isn't about to just give in to some stupid desires. He has happiness with Lisa and Ben, that is and will be enough.

"You have the audacity to ask me why I'm so angry Cas? After everything?!" Dean realizes he's shouting, and he probably looks crazy, shouting at some guy whose feet are touching the edge of his driveway, unable to cross the line. Not even close enough to Dean to seem threatening.

Castiel raises his eyebrows, and Dean would laugh if he had half the mind to. But instead, it just makes him angrier.

"Are you talking about when we had se-"

Dean raises his arms and runs over, covering a hand over Castiel's mouth. "Shut up," he hisses, not wanting Lisa to hear. Even though she hasn't come out yet, surprisingly.

He hates his body’s reaction to Cas because the feeling of Castiel's lips under his palm makes his heat beat incredibly louder, and his stomach to fill with butterflies. His breathing starts picking up speed and his cheeks flush. He sees a knowing look in Castiel's eyes, and Dean really fucking hates him for that.

Dean steps back. "You don't get to decide when to come in and out of my life Castiel. You decided that heaven was more important, so you can stay there. I've got everything handled down here."

"It doesn't seem like you do," Castiel says honestly.

Dean hates that Castiel knows him so well. He wishes he didn't, that he just used Dean for a good fuck. Dean feels like that's what happened, but he knows deep down that it's not the case. Dean has weird feelings around Castiel as if he knows him as deeply and truly as Cas does him. It fills his mind whenever the angel is around and it's so hard for Dean to fight. It's like his lungs filling with air to breathe. Or the burn of whiskey. Or the feeling of sadness that penetrates all of Dean's life. It just is and he can't just force it to not be there.

Why does Castiel pull on him so hard? Why did he even come back? Dean knows he's thinking irrationally, that he had screamed for him to face him in the woods not too long ago. That he wanted Cas to hear every word and feel it rock deep within his grace and fill his lungs with the burning fire that Dean feels whenever he thinks about his past life. But he knows Castiel probably doesn't feel any of those things, why would he? Dean was just an insignificant human, angels played with the likes of him.

Angels played with him and Sam. Used them as pawns in their own sick and twisted game. Sure, Castiel helped them to fight against their supposed destiny and save the world. He's certain that Castiel didn't want the world to end as much as Dean didn't want it to. He had been certain that he wasn't some sick pawn in Castiel's game, but now he can't be sure. Maybe Castiel was using him as an experiment in some sort of examination on how the mud monkeys react to love and attention and affection. He knew Dean's feelings for him, and so he was using them against him.

Again, Dean is being so fucking irrational but it's what his mind was conjuring up to cope with how fucked up this entire situation is. It would make the most sense in the hunter's fucked up mind. No one ever truly could love him, not after everything he's done. If they knew what Dean used to really do, of things he used to really think, of scenarios he wished could happen, they would run away screaming. Castiel probably knows all of it, at least, he seems to know Dean inside and out so he must know all the shit Dean has done. So, he must only be using him for this sick and twisted experiment.

Castiel seems to catch onto his train of thought and his look of confusion quickly turns into one of astonishment. But there's more flashing across his face, hurt, anger, frustration. Dean hates how he can read Cas like a book in moments like these.

"Dean if you believe for a second that I am using you, you are wrong. Those are lies." He says, and the deep anger that is resonating through his voice makes Dean shiver. Dean ignores the way Castiel's jaw tenses as he clenches his teeth, and Dean knows he's desperately trying to find a loophole through the warding.

Dean laughs because this is fifty shades of fucked up. Here is arguing with an angel, while his girlfriend is inside waiting for him. His brother is in hell, and Dean feels like he might as well be.

"I made sure you and all your angel buddies couldn't get across that line Cas, so quit trying. I should probably head inside, Lisa is waiting for me." Suddenly Dean is so drained. He's tired of fighting everything. If he doesn't get inside soon, he might actually let Cas convince him to go and talk with him about wherever the fuck he's been. Dean can't do that, not tonight. He can't keep breaking promises to Lisa, and he doesn't want to keep being a part of the sick experiment that Castiel says isn't true.

Dean knows it's not true, but his mind is making it up to cope with all the shit that has been going on with him lately. It helps him think his feelings for Castiel are stupid and he should let them go. He knows he never will, but it's a nice thought at least.

He looks up toward the house when he hears the door open and Lisa comes walking out. "Dean? It's freezing out here, what are you doing just standing there?" She asks, and comes walking towards where he and Castiel are standing, Dean looks back at Cas and sees a dark look on his face. Dean feels it resonate in his bones, and if he wasn't so exhausted he's sure it would make him feel all sort of ways, especially in the downstairs region.

"Oh..." Lisa says and stops beside Dean, and Dean instinctively wraps an arm around her waist, ignoring how Castiel's jaw clenches. "Uh... hello I’m Lisa, and you are?"  She says. Castiel doesn’t respond, just gives her a glare that Dean really wishes he could smooth out. She looks up at Dean in question after a few moments of awkward silence.

"Oh..." Dean says and frowns, snapping out of the staring match he had started with Castiel and looks down at Lisa, smiling. "This is Castiel, he was just leaving, right Cas?"

Cas looks back at Dean and Dean ignores the glower on his face, but he nods and Dean gives him a warning stare to not just flap off into the middle of the night and to start walking away instead. Surely, he has been around humans enough now to know how to behave around them. Not every human takes kindly to someone just disappearing in the middle of their conversation.

Lisa looks as equally confused as Cas does. "You sure, he can come inside and have some supper."

"I don't eat," Cas says and shrugs. "Thank you though," he adds. Dean figures he’s probably remembering to act polite.

Dean coughs and laughs. "He means he doesn't eat this late, he's on intermittent fasting, he's a big health nut," he says and takes Lisa's hand. "Come on babe, don't worry, he's got to go and do... stuff.” He looks back at Castiel, his breath hitching at the look of jealousy on the angel’s face. “See you later Cas."

He knows that calling Lisa babe obviously made Castiel pretty pissed off, but he doesn't care at this point. He just wants to go inside, and pretend he never saw Castiel. He wants to ignore all the feelings that are flooding his abdomen. It's clawing up his throat and making him choke.

"What was that?" Lisa asks softly when they get inside the house, Dean automatically walks to grab his whiskey, needing the burn to bring him back down to earth. He's trapped in a realm of angel wings and deep voices.

"Hmm? What was what?" He asks and leans back against the counter.

Lisa gives him an incredulous look, walking over to the stove and turning the oven on, throwing in the chicken breast that she must have been preparing before she went outside to check on Dean. "Someone from the past you're so secretive about comes here, and you just shoo him away? Was he threatening you?"

Dean laughs, and it's a real genuine laugh, one that echoes from his belly. "Cas? No, that man would never threaten me," he says and he means it. Maybe in the past, Cas wouldn't have hesitated to beat the shit out of him, but now it's different. It shifted.

She stops and looks at him. "You sure?" she murmurs, the slight smile that had graced her features falling into a look of worry.

He nods and looks away for a second. "I'll tell you what, how about tomorrow, you and Ben go for a movie and go to the cheesecake factory for dinner, on me, and I'll go and meet up with Castiel to see what's up," he murmurs and walks up to her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

She nods and bites her lip, resting her hand on his cheek, pressing a kiss to it. "Okay, do you promise that you're all right?"

"Lisa I'm as good as I always have been, no need to worry so much," he says and laughs, pressing a kiss to her forehead and pulling away. "I'm going to go have a shower, I'm all gross from helping Mike with his garage. I'll be back," he murmurs and finishes his drink, walking up the stairs.

His legs feel like lead. His fingertips are tingling and his mouth is dry. That's normally how Dean feels after meeting with Castiel. The angel just does stuff to him, stuff that Dean hates but loves at the same time. He feels so stupid for letting Castiel affect him that way, but he can't control it.

His anger that faded into numbness has now faded into longing and Dean really wants to punch something. He had just gotten over his longing for Castiel, but seeing him, so alive had sparked that thing deep inside him. He wishes that Lisa wasn't his life, that he didn't need to take care of Ben and pretend like he didn't spend his life on the road. He wants the thrill of a hunt and the feeling of saving someone from an evil son of a bitch. Dean craves the adrenaline, and the feeling of satisfaction after he finishes his hunt. He doesn't miss the whole saving the world thing, or the devil rising stuff, but he does miss simple salt and burns, those made him feel alive.

How sick and twisted was that? Dean had everything that he ever dreamed of right at this moment. Things he wished for Sammy and him, but instead of enjoying it and relishing in it, he's craving the danger that put Sam in the pit. He feels so careless, and as an ongoing theme in his life, he hates himself.

To think all of this was brought on by Castiel just swooping into his life again. How stupid is that?

Dean knows that isn't the truth though, wasn't he thinking about how bored he was? How awful it is to live such an ordinary life. It was just like his Djinn induced coma where he saw the world as he wished it to be. He still went on a hunt then, so it makes sense to him. He can't seem to escape his destiny as the angels called it, Dean was meant to be a hunter.

He sighs and walks into the bathroom, staring at his face in the mirror. With each passing day, Dean starts to look more and more like himself. He's not tired and ragged like the day he ended up on Lisa's door, and he's not super clear faced like he was a few weeks ago. Instead, he has his five o'clock shadow and his eyes are tired. It's a welcome sight, to see that he hasn't lost himself in all of this.

But the look in his eyes is telling. He's worried, and he knows that's why Lisa asked him if he was okay. He used to be so good at pretending, he wonders what happened to him.

Dean turns away from the mirror and leans back against the sink. He makes sure the noises downstairs are loud enough before he begins praying. He knows that warding that he put around the house would keep Castiel out, but it wouldn't prevent him from hearing Dean's prayers. For a split-second, Dean wonders if the other angels can hear him too or if Castiel is the only one who can hear because it's directed at him. Dean sighs and looks up at the ceiling. He can't believe he's doing this after swearing he would never talk to Castiel again after everything.

"Cas, you can meet me at my work at five tomorrow. Don't talk to anyone, just get into my truck and then we'll have a conversation then, got it? If you don't show up, I expect you to stay the fuck out of my life."

With a resounding sigh, Dean gets undressed and steps into the shower, hoping, deep down, that Castiel shows up.

Chapter Text

Dean thinks about his life as he walks up to the truck, taking a deep breath to calm the nerves that were swimming in his gut. He wonders why he could get into such a predicament as this, he wasn’t one to be trapped in a love triangle. He is Dean Winchester for crying out loud, he shouldn’t even let stupid things like love get in the way of his own decisions.

He thinks back to this morning, and how Lisa had been a frenzied mess as she got ready for work and made sure Ben was ready for school. She truly was beautiful; her hair was a soft long brown. Dean loved running his fingers through it. Her smile was intoxicating, and Dean always wanted to see more of it. Her eyes were a deep and rich brown. It was the opposite of Dean’s but that didn’t make them any less beautiful. When they caught the light flecks of amber would be in her iris, making her eyes glow. They were the colour of the handle of a shotgun or some deep smoky whiskey. Beautifully rich and warm.

She was so selfless and was always focusing on Ben’s and Dean’s needs. She was so quick to make sure they were set before her. It was solidified by this morning, how she quickly shoved her hair up into a messy bun and applied a coat of mascara and some lip-gloss. It took her a total of five minutes to get ready, and then she was telling Ben to have a shower and made sure Dean ate breakfast while she hadn’t even had a chance to sip her cup of coffee yet.

Lisa was everything Dean had wished for and more in a partner. He had always wanted to be with someone who was independent and knew what they wanted, who had a quick-fire temper, but was also selfless and knew how to take care of themselves. Lisa was such a good person, and Dean didn’t deserve her.

She was what Dean had dreamed of. He wanted this kind of life, one of suburban bliss. He knew that, and still felt that wish deep within himself, but it was marred by some sort of sick and twisted nature that had been born within Dean since he ever learned how to hunt. He wanted this so bad because it meant normalcy but at the same time, Dean could never be normal. His life was too destroyed for that. He was too busy picking up the shattered pieces of a life that had been blown apart by the sick destiny that was set for him.

He laughs darkly to himself. Because he knows that he will forever be a hunter, and he’s not sure when he’ll stop pretending like he isn’t one.

He loves Lisa, it’s such a cheesy word, one that Dean hasn’t really thought of in years. He loved Sammy. He loved his dad. He loved Ellen and Jo, but this was a different kind of love. He never really experienced it with anyone before, except maybe Castiel, but that’s a box Dean will not open. Because he still can’t believe he’s so into the angel, to begin with.

Dean runs a hand through his hair and sighs because he’s getting off track, which he’s been prone to do the past couple of days. He just wishes that loving Lisa was enough, that he didn’t crave something more. Did that make him a shit human? Yeah, but when was Dean not a shit human? He loves her too much to lose her but not enough to let her go. It’s a sick and twisted sort of paradox.

“Jesus Christ,” he whispers and closes his eyes. He wishes he had some sort of drink in his hand to wash away the bitter flavor in his mouth. The taste of whiskey would bring some sense into him, at least, that’s what Dean hopes it would do. He gets into his truck and leans against the seat, letting out a frustrated groan. Dean’s tired and would much rather be at home in bed, living his domestic bliss. One thing that Dean won’t deny about living with Lisa and pretending like suburban life is the best, is that it does have a whole lot of comfort. He can say goodbye to scratchy blankets, and flat pillows that leave nothing to be desired, and the smell of laundry in his bag that needs to be washed. Because having an actual house and a bed of your own is heavenly.

He looks out across the road, hating himself for getting stuck in this mess. Maybe he shouldn’t have ever gone back to Lisa and stayed sad. But he couldn’t do that, his promise to Sam made that impossible. And yeah, Sam was gone, but that didn’t change how loyal Dean was to his brother. It was how he was, he was even loyal to his dad after he died. Dean will always cherish his family.

He wishes that he could just forget Castiel, but that’s impossible. Not only because Cas was probably the best sex he’s ever had, but also because Castiel was just… something else. And not in the fact that the guy wasn’t even human, but it was that he just… had this weird pull on Dean.

Dean knows that Castiel would be the obvious choice in any other circumstance. He didn’t coddle Dean and make him feel like a child. Castiel also knew everything about what kind of life Dean lived before he moved in with Lisa. Cas would understand why Dean would always have nightmares, and how he would never go and talk to a shrink. That would result in him being in the crazy house for sure.

Not to mention that Castiel can take care of himself. Dean would always worry about him but Castiel could take on demons and any bad ugly. Dean wouldn’t have to be focused on trying to protect Cas and himself, but instead, he would have a fighting partner. Not that he wouldn’t be focused on making sure Castiel was safe, but he wouldn’t have to worry about him the same way the Dean would have to worry about Lisa.

Not to mention that Castiel doesn’t have a child. It’s not that Dean doesn’t like Ben, he loves the kid and loves kids in general. If his life wasn’t so fucked up he could see himself being a dad. But Ben makes Dean worried in a whole other way, because Ben is much more fragile than Lisa, and could get hurt so much easier. He also needs Dean to help him survive because Dean helps feed and clothe him. Not to mention there is so much innocence in Ben and Dean is terrified of marring it with his own muddy and disgusting hands. There are things that Ben should never have to live through or experience and with Dean around, he’s at such a high risk of it. So that’s always something that plagues him.

It was all so complicated, and Dean hated himself so much that he couldn’t even bring himself to choose. He would stay with Lisa all the while pining for blue eyes and black hair because he was a terrible human being and he didn’t want to just destroy more lives. But at the same time, destroying Lisa and Ben’s lives by leaving is a lot different than destroying their lives by getting them killed by a demon.

He’s so stuck in his self-hating thoughts that he doesn’t hear the sound of angel wings or the feeling of a hand touching his shoulder.

“AUGH!” Dean shouts and quickly turns and almost smacks his head on the top of the truck’s cab when he moves away as fast as he can. He stares at Castiel in disbelief where their faces were inches apart only a second ago.

“Jesus Christ Cas!” He shouts and turns, shifting the truck out of the park and backing out of the parking lot. “How many times do I have to tell you about personal space?!” He exclaims, his heart beating ten miles a minute as he tries to calm his mind. He’s not an easy scare but that got him.

He can practically hear the stupid head tilt. “I figured since you and I engaged in sexual intercourse that personal space wasn’t as much of a concern of yours, my apologies.”

The statement catches Dean so much of guard that he hits on the brakes so hard that his tires screech and it takes him a second to get his mind to catch up to him and start driving again. He sputters, trying to think of something to say.

“That’s not the point!” He croaks out. “Humans like to have their space every once in a while!” He huffs and grips the steering wheel, trying to focus on driving. The stupid angel always had that effect on him.

"I don’t understand, you seem to enjoy it when I am close to you,” Castiel replies, and Dean sighs.

“That’s not what I meant by that Cas, I just mean it’s different now. You can’t be in my face like that.” He says and takes an exit, figuring he should go on the highway and drive to some secluded area. He tries to ignore the part of his mind that is telling him that it’s for sick reasons, but instead it’s so he and Cas can really talk privately about the entire thing.

He takes a weird satisfaction in the fact that Castiel hates car rides as he drives onto a dirt road and up the path, parking there. They had been driving for about half an hour, and he knows that Cas hated every minute. He doesn’t care, the guy deserves a lot more for all the hell that he had put him through recently.

He rubs his forehead and gets out of the truck, walking up a bit down the dirt path. He expects Castiel to follow, so he doesn’t turn and look behind him to make sure he is.

He needs fresh air if he’s going to be able to talk to Cas without screaming. He’s so frustrated right now, he doesn’t understand why. Then again, maybe he does, Dean has always been a shoot first ask questions later type of guy. He’s not known for his mental stability.

After a little bit of a walking Dean feels his breathing evening out, so he turns and faces the angel. He raises an eyebrow at the look on Castiel’s face. It’s one of trepidation and hurt, but Dean can also tell that the angel is seeking forgiveness. Dean wishes he wasn’t so ready to give it to him.

“Alright Cas, I told you I’d let you explain, so you have to explain. If you don’t explain then you can take your feathery ass right back up to heaven and stay there,” he says and shrugs, shoving his hands in his pockets. He’s calm now, but he knows at any moment he might start yelling again. He figures it’s best to keep his hands trapped, he’s tried punching angels before and he doesn’t want to have to explain to Lisa why he broke his hand.

“I don’t understand why you’re so angry with me Dean, I told you I can’t tell you why I left. It’s confidential.”

Dean bites his tongue, trying to keep the calm composure that he just found. He’s so quick to get angry and he knows that’s why he never has good conversations with anyone. He’s like his father in that way. Quick to yell because the situation he’s in seems dire. It sucks because it makes him miss Sam, even more, the guy always knew how to handle situations. He stayed calm and would explain things to people, Dean just didn’t have his brother’s finesse.

“No, that’s not it, you share everything with me Castiel, you just are being a baby and refusing to tell me now. I think it’s because your excuse is not really a good one, and you know I won’t buy it. Also, why do you think I’m so mad at you? You fucked off when it all went to shit. You left me here to try and pick up the shattered pieces of my life, your life, Bobby’s life, and Sam’s life. You left me to try and understand everything that happened. Not only was I fucked up about Sam I was fucked up about the fact that you fucked me and then just pretended it was nothing,” he said, his breathing uneven. With each passing moment, Dean was getting more and more frustrated with Castiel. He wanted answers so desperately.

He feared the answers though, what if they were what he didn’t want to hear? Dean could handle a lot of things, but if Castiel told him he used him… he wasn’t sure how he would react to that.

Castiel shakes his head and Dean takes a breath, he can see the flash of anger in the angel's eyes. It scares him but also turns him on, and Dean doesn't have time to think about how fucked up that is when he is staring Castiel in the face. Looking at the anger that is gracing his features.

"Is that what you think? That I thought everything we did together was nothing?! Dean, you are so incredibly stupid to even assume that I chose heaven over you. Haven't we been over this? I gave up everything. And yet here you are believing that I could just up and leave you like that. You told me to go, and so I went, or did you somehow forget that happened!? You don't get to pretend like you didn't push me away when I tried to help you."

Dean rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "No that's bullshit Cas and you know it, you tried to hold me and then I told you I needed time and you fucked off. I prayed to you every god damn night and you never answered me!" He shouts and looks over at him, his eyes piercing. He wants Castiel to feel the pain that Dean had felt when he had left.

"You decided heaven was more important, plain and simple."

Dean doesn't have a second to react before Castiel is on him, practically throwing him against a tree. His breathing falters and he and Cas are so close that he can feel the angel's breath on his skin, passing across his cheekbones. Dean remembers how it felt to have Castiel this close to him before, and it causes his breath to catch in his throat and all he can do is stare meekly into the angel's eyes and try to make himself seem defiant. He won't fall for Castiel's games, not this time.

"How dare you assume that I chose heaven over you Dean Winchester? I carried you out of the pit, dragged your screaming wretched soul out of the darkness as it clawed and bit at me. I fought demon after demon to pull you through and then I pieced you together bit by bit, fixing the shell of a once beautiful human that had become just another tortured soul, then I rebelled for you, all the while having you treat me with such disrespect.

"I am fighting a war up in heaven, it is anarchy without my father and Michael. I am trying to make peace with the destruction I have caused. I have given it all up for you Dean Winchester. The sacredness of my home, my simple life as a soldier. I would do it again. For you to assume that I once decided that heaven was better than you, I'd rather die in the pit. You, Dean Winchester, are my heaven."

Dean doesn't know how to react, he just stares at Castiel with awestruck eyes. He's never been treated with such devotion before and it shakes him to his very soul. He knows there's a reason he should be fighting this, instead of giving in to Castiel so willingly but his mind refuses to remember and instead he reaches up, pulling Castiel into a fiery kiss.

It's all he's ever longed for, and it brings tears to his eyes. The feeling of the angel's lips against his own and the soft touch of his hand as it slides to grip Dean's shoulder. Dean groans, parting his lips, inviting the angel to taste more of him. His breathing uneven.

He doesn't understand why he had been fighting this, the feeling of Castiel washes all the pain he had been feeling away. Dean wants more, he needs more, and he pulls Castiel tight against him, feeling the angel press against him as they began to kiss harder.

Why did he fight this?

Lisa.

Dean abruptly is pulled back down to earth and he pulls away from the kiss, trying to catch his breath and gain some sanity back. He was fighting it for her, she deserves better than Dean easily giving into Cas. He needs to be able to prove that he is deserving of a normal life.

He almost gives in again when Cas starts kissing down his neck, the feeling of the angel's tongue dragging along his Adam’s apple is enough to make Dean's knees go weak and he almost loses his balance. "Cas... wait," he gasps, gripping the angel's shoulders and pushing him back. Immediately Dean is made aware of how much he wants it, but he needs to do this for himself and for Lisa.

He made a promise to Sam and he has to at least see if he can be apart from Cas.

"I can't... I promised Sam," he croaks, ignoring the look of rejection on Castiel's face. "I'm sorry Cas, but I need to try and be with her. You have to let me try, I haven't been trying I've just been pining after you..."

Cas nods and his breathing quickly evens out. "Take all the time you need Dean, but remember who saved you. I'm not worried about her." He says and with the flutter of wings, Castiel is gone.

Dean collapses against the tree and groans, he's hard and his pants are straining against his crotch almost painfully but he needs to get home. He can't stay outside where he might just give into Castiel again.

He made a promise to Sam, and now that he knows Castiel isn't hiding from him, Dean is sure he can move on. He can have a life with Lisa.

Deep down Dean also knows he's lying.

Chapter Text

Dean goes through his week in a daze. His mind is still reeling from what he and Cas had done in the forest just a few days ago. He feels guilty, but also, he feels stupid. He made the wrong choice and he's trying to pretend like he didn't. Lisa is the one for him, she's got to be. Dean can't live a life like the one he's lived all those years, he's getting older. His body can't take the pressure of a strenuous hunt the way it used to, and he sure as hell doesn't want to spend the rest of his life on the road.

Lisa is who he should be with. She gives him a new start, a new beginning. One that he's craved since his mother died. He shouldn't be pining after Castiel because Castiel is a life that has destroyed Dean and everything he is and everything he was.

He still is trying, each morning he gets up and kisses Lisa, and ruffles Ben's hair and goes to his construction job. It's good to work with his hands, to feel the skill saw as it cuts through the two by four, and the feeling of the hammers connection with the nail jarring up his arm. It makes his limbs feel powerful, and the good thing about building a house or a garage or whatever else he is working on during the week is that it doesn't fight back. Dean enjoys it because he can feel the power in his muscles when he works. His hands have power, a power that no one here in suburbia will ever grasp. His scarred knuckles tell numerous stories. The scars that cover his body a testament how Dean Winchester refuses to die.

He's not invincible, he's died plenty of times. But he's filled with strength and Dean hopes that the strength will make his body stay with Lisa and his mind too. But he also knows that the feeling of a hammer connecting with a nail, or the feeling of a skill saw cutting through wood is nothing like the feeling of shooting off a shotgun. Or punching a demon in the face. Or the thrill of a fight and the ache from his long work days are nothing like the ache after beating the baddest ugly that people could even dream of.

"I think I should take up boxing," he tells Lisa when he gets home, walking to the fridge and pulling out a beer, starting to set up the spices he needs to make their dinner.

Lisa looks up from the book she's reading and raises her eyebrows. "Yeah? Why's that?"

"Because I feel like it would be beneficial for me. It might get rid of some of the anxiousness that I have been feeling," he responds and shrugs. "I mean if it's not in our budget I don't have to, but I want to feel like I'm doing some sort of hunting even if it's just punching a bag. There is something in the fight that I miss."

Lisa bites her lip and puts down the book. Dean has a moment of fighting the urge to roll his eyes. He knows that Lisa is only concerned for his well-being but being concerned about him wanting to do something more with his hands? Come on now.

"Do you think that's such a good idea? I'm worried it'll bring back your nightmares Dean."

Dean can't help but scoff at that, because he still has nightmares. He's just gotten good at not waking Lisa up in the middle of them. "I'll always have nightmares, Lisa, they're just not as severe. I personally think that this will help with my nightmares, maybe make it feel like I'm actually fighting something rather than waiting for the fight to come to me."

"I really don't think that's a good idea Dean, I just don't want you to get trapped in your mind again, it's scary when you get like that. I think you should see someone… they might be able to help..."

Dean frowns and crosses his arms. "I don't need to see anyone. Or do you want me locked away? Lisa the things I've seen, they're not something a shrink will say is normal. And I'm not saying it is normal but me telling them that my brother was taken over by Lucifer and trapped in hell being tortured isn't exactly something they'll believe is the truth."

Lisa sighs and gets up. "Okay... do you think that it will really help? Or are you wanting to start hunting again, and don't lie to me, Dean? I need to know if you're debating on leaving..."

"I don't want to start hunting again." That wasn't the full truth but Dean didn't need her worried he was going to one day pack his shit and go. He probably would, because Dean can't stay away from evil things and evil can't stay away from Dean, but he didn't want her to start worrying more than she already was. "I just need that outlet."

"Okay, but I have one condition."

Dean raises an eyebrow. "What's that?"

"You have to take Ben with you because I'm sure it'll help you sleep at night if he knew how to defend himself as well."

Dean can't help but laugh. "I don't know if you know what boxing is Lisa. Ben could get hurt, are you okay with that? Because I'm not."

"They make you wear a helmet and protective gear. I think it would be a good bonding experience for the both of you," she replies and shrugs. "I also know you won't let anything bad happen to him."

Dean rolls his eyes and sighs. "I'm not taking him Lisa, and I'm also not asking for your permission. I'm a grown man and I can do what I want, and I want to try boxing so I'm going to try boxing. You should be happy that I'm doing that rather than going to the shooting range and shooting at targets, that's more up the alley of what I used to do. Also, Ben should take some easier fighting courses for self-defense. Ones that teach him how to dodge attackers, boxing won't do that."

Lisa frowns and Dean shakes his head.

Look, I'm not going to fight with you, I just think it's unfair that you don't want me to take up a perfectly normal interest. I'm not gonna go off the deep end if I decide to punch a dude in the face when we're both paying for it. It's just something to do, keep me busy, I'll be fine."

She purses her lips and Dean walks over to her, taking her hand and kissing her knuckles. "Come on, just let me have this. I don't drink as much as I used to, all my guns are locked up, I'm not gonna start hunting just because I got to throw a few punches. Okay?"

Lisa nods and sighs. "If you are careful then since you're so set on doing it. I can't stop you Dean, so I won't."

Dean smiles and kisses her temple. "Thank you." He pulls back and looks at the clock. "We have an hour before I have to pick Ben up from chess club, want to go upstairs?" He asks and winks. He knows it's sick, considering how every shower he's had without Lisa he touches himself with another person in mind, but he needs to keep the facade going. He must try and make his body understand that Lisa is all he's ever wanted. That her perfect feminine body is what Dean craves. Rather than the strong muscles and hard hands and firm grip that Castiel has. Dean must remind himself that sex with Lisa is just as good (he knows he's lying) to make this work and to pretend that Castiel is someone he can keep in his past.

She rolls her eyes and walks up to Dean, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Of course," she says and kisses his lips.

Dean ignores the self-hatred he feels when he takes her up to their bedroom.

- - - - - - -

Just when he thinks his life is going back to normal, Dean always has something come up to ruin it. Today it's the first signs of a werewolf attacking a town very close to his own.

He only hears about it because Mike's wife keeps up with all the gossip, not only in their suburban lives but also in others as well. She didn't limit her nosiness to just their borders and instead would get news on any place in a fifty-mile radius.

And although fifty miles is a whole lot for a woman finding out gossip, it's not a whole lot for a hunter hearing about a werewolf getting too comfortable in its surroundings.

"I know! It's crazy Lisa, they found them with their hearts missing and brutally attacked. They swear it must have been an animal, but what animal enters through a locked door? I think it might be some crazy satanic shit going on."

Dean looks over at Lisa and he sees the plain worry in her eyes. He tries to focus on grilling the burgers and shooting the shit with Mike, but he can't seem to focus on anything except for the stupid murders. Maybe they are just murders, maybe for once in his goddamn life Dean isn't facing some big bad ugly and he should let the authorities just deal with it.

So, he just tries and pretends that it's not happening, but then it gets worse.

He spends the next couple of weeks in bliss. The werewolf was probably handled by another hunter because Dean had stopped hearing about it, and he had taken up boxing. He was enjoying it, Dean didn’t realize how much he missed the fight.

His limbs feel sore and he’s taken a couple good punches but it’s almost satisfying. He hasn’t thought about Cas since he had taken up boxing and Dean is grateful for it. He’s sure it’s because his mind is good at shutting out things he doesn’t want to think about, but he’ll take what he can get.

But of course, that gets shattered too. And a couple of weeks after he’s started boxing he’s faced with his world coming back and biting him.

He comes home from a boxing match and walks into the living room to find Lisa quickly turning off the TV, he raises an eyebrow and walks over. "What are you being so secretive about?" He asks and walks over, turning it on and ignoring her protests as she pulls on his arm.

Playing on a loop is a crime scene, some sort of murder that happened in a city only thirty miles away. But this one is no werewolf, and Dean is in a hyperaware mode as he reads the headlines, focusing intently on the screen and the images playing before him.

BREAKING NEWS: POLICE ARRIVE TO INVESTIGATE GRUESOME "ANGEL" MURDER

Dean takes a deep breath and sits on the couch, watching the images that flash across the screen. He knows that the news anchors don’t know that what they’re seeing are actually angels, but he’s quite aware of why they came to that conclusion.

There's at least ten of them, laying on the ground, clearly dead. Although there is no sign of blood or any sort of struggle. They look peaceful, as though they had laid down to go to sleep and never woke up again. But the most jarring part of the image to Dean Winchester was the marks on the ground. Captured by the cameras the burned angel wings in the cement are even more intense.

He can feel Lisa's eyes on him, and Dean knows that his reaction is not going to be a good one. She won't appreciate it.

"I have to go," he says and gets up, grabbing his jacket.

Lisa gets up and follows him, grabbing his arm. "Dean you don't have to go anywhere!" She says and takes a deep breath, making him look at her. "You want to go."

Dean frowns and pulls back, shaking his head. "Lisa if you think that then you must think I'm some sort of twisted monster. Do you think I enjoy hunting and putting my life in danger and seeing those around me die? Do you think I enjoyed seeing my dad die, or leaving my friends to get blown up as they fought off hellhounds, or watch Sammy die? No, I don't want to go. But these occurrences are getting closer and closer, and this is something much more than just a simple werewolf."

Dean walks to their bedroom, grabbing a lockbox that he had placed under their bed. He opens it and pulls out the keys to the Impala and he fights the thrill it sends through his veins to hold his keys again. Screw the beat up pickup truck.

He hears Lisa standing in the doorway and he turns and looks at her.

"Help me understand Dean, why can't another hunter deal with this? You've told me there are tons of them out there, why can't they? Why do you need to go on this hunt? What's so dire about this situation."

Dean blinks and takes a shaky breath. "You would think I'm crazy, so I'm not going to go into details, but I have... I'm the specialist in this area of hunting. I'm the best person for the job, and I won't let these angels come here. I won't let you and Ben be at risk like that."

He ignores the tears that fill her eyes, and grabs his duffle bag, shoving his clothes into it. Things that are comfortable and easy to clean. Dean doesn't know how long he will be gone for.

"Dean... please. What if you die?"

Dean sighs and gets up, pulling the bag on his shoulder and walks over to her, cradling her face in his hands. He doesn't want to leave, he loves her. He knows he does, but Dean knew that this was coming. He didn't expect it to be so soon, but he can't keep pretending that the supernatural isn't out there. He must protect Ben and Lisa, and he's scared. He's scared the angels are coming for him, and he can't let them get any closer.

"Lisa that's a reality I face every day, you face it too. I just might die sooner than most, and there's not much I can do to stop it. I promise I will keep you and Ben safe, but you have to let me go," he breathes and pulls her into a gentle kiss, his throat clenching at the tears running down her cheeks.

She nods and grips his wrists tight. "You will come, back right? Or at least call me to tell me if you're not? I must make sure Ben knows... I don't want him to hope you will or won't..." she breathes.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," Dean whispers. "I'll call you when I figure out what I'm facing," he murmurs and forces her to let go and goes into the garage. His heart hurts, and he wants to stay so badly but he must face this. Dean can't run away from his past life just like Sam couldn't run away from his past when he went to Stanford.

Dean knows he can't keep dragging people into his mess, and it hurts him to hurt Lisa and Ben, but he knows that this is for the best. He would figure out what was going on and hopefully make it back home.

He pulls the tarp off the Impala and opens the door to the garage, sliding in and backing out, making sure the house is secure before he begins to drive. It's almost orgasmic, driving his car again, and he tries to relish in the feeling before he loses his mind at the fact that he's leaving a life he built. He was trying so hard, and as much as Dean tries to convince himself that this is not the end, he knows deep down it is. There is something big going on and he isn't just going to get to kill a couple of demons and be on his merry way.

He doesn't even flinch when he hears the sound of angel wings and Castiel is sitting in the Impala. His heartbeat picks up and he focuses on driving because this feels so natural.

"So Castiel, what have you angels gotten yourselves into now?"

Chapter Text

"I told you, there's a civil war going on in heaven, it's anarchy up there. I think some of them decided to take the fight down here, they were my brothers. They were trying to fight one of Raphael’s lead hands to try and weaken their defenses." Castiel says and Dean can feel his eyes boring into him, reading his soul.

Dean rolls his eyes and gives Castiel the side-eye. When Castiel doesn't try and explain what exactly caused the civil war and why the angels are fighting he lets out an exasperated sound through his nose.

"Care to elaborate?" He asks. "I want to understand what is going on up there, I know there's a civil war, but how come? Why did Raphael decide to create this kind of rift among you angels? Is there something I'm missing here?"

"Dean you sometimes astound me, because you're so smart but equally as stupid at the same time," Castiel mutters and Dean glares at him.

"Hey!"

Castiel rolls his eyes and Dean is taken aback by how incredibly human that makes him look, but he doesn't have time to think about it for long before Castiel starts speaking again.

"When Michael and Lucifer fell into the cage, Raphael went back to heaven. He's trying to open the pit, and get them out and start the apocalypse again. I and other angels who are on my side are trying to stop him, but heaven is divided. It was destiny, the world was supposed to end, angels want paradise on Earth and the end of humans. So, I'm fighting it, we're all fighting it, but Raphael is strong, much stronger than me. Technically he's the leader of heaven now because our father is missing and all other archangels are gone. That's why there's a civil war.

"As for the dead angels, my guess is that they were fighting Raphael’s lead hand. But... I can't see them all dying without the lead hand having help and last, I've heard most angels are still in heaven fighting the battle there. But I won't know unless I see the bodies..."

Dean sighs and drives up to a motel, it scares him how close the town is to where Lisa and Ben are if there is something going on, they could get to Lisa and Ben faster than Dean can blink. He knows it was a good decision to come here, because of the risk.

He looks at the clock on the Impala's dashboard and sighs, it's almost six thirty, he could probably change into his suit and go and check on the damage, but that would be suspicious. He should wait until tomorrow morning to make sure that he could get a good backstory. Not to mention it would be strange for homeland security or the FBI to show up a few hours after the murders were discovered.

"I don't think it's Raphael's soldiers Castiel, I think it's something bigger. There's no way he would just slaughter five angels, aren't you guys a limited resource? Isn't he trying to get them to join his side to build up his army? Can't exactly take down the world without a bunch of people backing you up," he says and shrugs, getting out of the car and walking into the front of the motel, renting a room using a fake credit card that he kept just in case he was in a situation like this one.

Dean almost laughs. He's always been prepared for some sort of doomsday scenario, and here it is. He'll never live a normal life, who was he trying to kid.

He doesn't look to see if Castiel enters his motel room with him, he kind of just assumes he's there. He turns around and faces the angel, stepping back abruptly when he finds their faces so close together.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!" Dean shouts, and walks over to the table, pulling out his beat-up laptop that Sam always tried to insist on replacing. "We've talked about personal space over and over, and yet you keep disrespecting mine."

"My apologies," Castiel says and sits down at the chair across from Dean, and Dean rolls his eyes. This feels so natural, but at the same time so wrong. His stomach is twisting and he keeps looking down at his phone, praying that Lisa will text him that she and Ben are alright.

"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" Castiel asks and Dean briefly looks up from his laptop as he starts connecting it to the motel's shitty Wi-Fi.

He shrugs. "You can read me like a book Cas, of course, I'm thinking about her. I'm worried about her and Ben, I'm worried that whatever killed the angels are trying to get to me. I'm the sword of Michael after all, his one true vessel. They might be trying to get to me if they manage to pull Lucifer and Michael out of the pit."

Castiel nods. "I don't think they're after you Dean, I think it's merely a coincidence that they're so close to you and your... family."

Dean raises an eyebrow at how Castiel has to practically choke out the word family and fights the urge to look up and see his face as he boots up his search engine and begins searching up any strange occurrences in the town or nearby. He ignores any sign of a werewolf because that one is pointless.

"Yeah, well, I'd rather be safe than sorry," Dean whispers and clicks on an article that suggests there's some pretty bad demon activity happening close by as well. He curses, it's like evil is just attracted to him. It might be the curse of the Winchester name. Just like the lady who had to keep building the house to keep all the ghosts away from her, Dean is doomed to keep fighting evil because of the creation of a stupid gun. He doubts that's true, but he wants to blame his fate on something other than just himself.

"You love her."

Dean looks up then and gives Castiel a look. It was more of a statement rather than a question, but Dean wants to see Cas' face when he answers. He can already tell it hurts Castiel, the thought of Dean loving someone else, but Dean can't lie. Not now.

He nods. "Yes, I love her. I built a new life with her, she's my home now," he whispers. His voice is hoarse, and it hurts to see Castiel's hurt on his face. He can't be sure if Cas can tell he's lying. Lisa isn't his home, not technically. His home is leather seats and a purring engine. His home is Sam. His home is Cas.

But he has to keep pretending like she is. At least for the time being. Dean can't keep breaking promises, not after everything he's done.

"I was your home Dean," Castiel whispers and Dean feels his heart clench.

Dean closes his eyes and sighs. "Look, I don't want to get into this right now. We don't need to fight; can you go and see what you can find out? Maybe some guys upstairs have some idea about the angel deaths, and what caused them."

Castiel nods and his back is rigid and face a blank slate. Dean sighs, knowing that Cas has gone in full angel warrior mode, probably because Dean's words hurt him. But Dean pretends he doesn't care, it was Castiel's fault, after all, he did leave him. He can't just pretend like Castiel just didn't disappear and leave Dean alone in the turmoil after Sam had fallen in the pit.

So, Dean thinks it's only fair that he fell in love with Lisa, he has every right to love someone else and want to be with them. He and Cas could only have a strict friend only relationship. If Castiel didn't like it, then too bad, Dean would hunt on his own if that's the case.

He tries to ignore how that tears a pit open in his stomach that he has been trying to pretend hasn't been there since the day he had ended up on Lisa's doorstep.

Castiel looks up at the ceiling. "Guess I should get on that, until next time Dean," he says and with the flap of angel wings, Castiel disappears.

Dean lets out a breath he wasn't aware that he was holding and gets up, grabbing a notebook from his bag and begins writing down everything he can about the case that he knows so far. Tomorrow, he would go and check out the crime scene, ask if anyone had seen anything suspicious. But first, he needs sleep and to clear his head.

He gets undressed and lays down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He thinks it's a futile attempt to try and go to sleep, all things considering. He's never been good at sleeping. Such a joke, even the easiest human things are a struggle for Dean. He's never been destined to be a human with strengths, at this point he figures he's doomed to a life of suffering.

So dramatic! All because of leaving Lisa and telling Cas he didn't want him. Dean needs to snap out of it or he'll risk himself getting killed on this hunt. He sighs and turns on his side, hating the feel of the lumpy motel mattress and forces himself to go to sleep.

----

Dean rubs his sore shoulders and walks into the forest, his bag in tow. "Fucking stupid demons, not wanting to stay in a perfectly nice town where there are beds," he mutters as he pushes through the bush.

The questioning had hardly been helpful. Officers say it's some weird gang shit, and people who witnessed the attack are either dead or had their eyeballs blown out of their sockets and are blind with their minds wiped. Dean feels confused about the whole thing, whatever is going on it's much bigger than just a couple of rogue angels.

He's been following dead ends for the past couple of days, he's tired and sore. He wishes he was at home with Lisa and telling Ben to finish his homework. He's also pissed off because Lisa hasn't called him once since he left for the damn hunt.

All in all, a shitty situation that has gotten shittier as time goes by. Dean wishes he was only doing a simple salt and burn at this point.

After he researched for days, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, he realized that it must be some sort of demon. He's heard of demon nests before, and he's assuming if the civil war is going on, maybe some angels convinced the demons to help them smite some feathery butts. He's assuming that they must have told them they'll bring Lucifer back and that somehow convinced them to do their bidding.

Dean shudders because he knows that if demons and angels are working together, a lot more bad shit would happen. That's why he needs to get to the bottom of the nest.

It might be stupid, hell, it is really stupid to go into a demon nest by himself, but Dean has no choice. He won't repeat the hell he went through all those months ago, and if that means putting himself at risk for demon attack then so be it.

He jumps when Castiel grabs him on the shoulder, and almost punches him in the face. He's glad he didn’t because that would have hurt. However, he's still pissed off that Cas keeps sneaking up on him like this.

"What the hell? Do you have some sort of weird kink where you like to scare me!?" He exclaims and steps back to get a better look at Castiel.

"Dean that's absurd, my kinks don't involve scaring you at all. It involves more of tying you--"

"I don't want to know that!" Dean shouts and rubs his forehead and takes a deep breath. "Did you hear anything from your sources?"

Cas shakes his head and crosses his arms. "No, and I don't see why you don't want to hear the way I've imagined having you, we've had sex."

Dean rolls his eyes and runs his hands through his hair. "That's not the point."

He starts walking again, needing time to clear his head, Cas has that effect on him. He overwhelms his senses and makes him say stupid things and do stupid things. Dean needs to calm down, he's on a hunt and he can't risk getting mauled by some demon because Cas is fucking with his mind.

"Dean you're acting ridiculous, it's not like I'm throwing myself on you," Castiel says as he follows beside him.

"Well good because this is not Brokeback Mountain. We're not gonna spend time in the wilderness and have sex. I am not Jake Gyllenhaal and you're not Heath Ledger."

He rolls his eyes at the look of confusion on Castiel's face and stops to look at him.

"Dean... I don't understand that reference..."

"You never do Cas, I wasn't expecting you to now," Dean replies and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Do you have any information you'd like to share?"

"About Brokeback Mountain? Dean, I just told you I don't know the reference," Castiel responds and his brow deepens.

Dean laughs. "No, about the angels."

Cas frowns and sighs, running a hand through his hair. Dean is taken aback by the incredibly human gesture, but he waits for Castiel to tell him what he knows.

"I've got nothing, there was no news, and no one from my battalion had been missing. They would commit such treason by leaving. There is too much at stake. So as for what happened to those angels, I am unsure. My guess is still that they were fighting something they couldn't handle."

Dean nods and begins walking through the woods again, his mind going back to the laser focus of a hunt. "Did you bring a sleeping bag?" He asks and looks over at Castiel.

 "A what? Dean, I don't sleep."

"Well if you're gonna join me on this hunt, we're gonna be camping out in the woods for a bit so I can get as much information on a demon stronghold that I can. So, either you have a sleeping bag or you're gonna just have to sit outside in the cold."

He tries to ignore the way the idea of him and Castiel being outside in the woods alone makes his heart flutter. He should not be thinking about the things they could do alone in a tent, especially since he was still so worried about Lisa.

"Why a demon stronghold?" Castiel asks as he walks beside him. "Are they linked to the angels?"

Dean shrugs. "I'm not sure, but they sure as hell shouldn't be here, it's a little strange that they're so close to a town. There must be something going on for them to be so close, and not to mention demons aren't exactly known to run in packs."

"Fair enough," Castiel says in his deep voice.

 ---

Dean looks over at Castiel and raises an eyebrow. "Have you never seen a tent before? You've been observing humanity for millennia and you haven't seen someone camping?"

Castiel shrugs. "I haven't been observing humanity all that long, in fact, I never truly cared about humanity. The only time I've see camping is when you went hunting that Wendigo at Blackwater ridge."

Dean's hand's stop from where he was setting up the tent and he turns and looks at Castiel.

"Dean? Are you alright? All the color just drained from your face," Cas asks worriedly, walking over to check his temperature.

"You were watching me?" Dean croaks and sits back, looking up at Castiel. "What were you doing just watching me suffer on a hunt?"

Cas frowns and leans back, finishing up the tent and then looks back at Dean. "You are the righteous man," he says softly and Dean winces at the term. It felt like ages since he had been referred to the Righteous Man and as the sword of Michael.

"I never had interest in humanity, I didn't really care," Cas whispers and he looks so incredibly human. His face looks worn and tired, and his shoulders are slumped as if what he was telling Dean is exhausting.

"But then we were made aware that your fate had started taking the course, and everyone wanted to catch a glimpse of the Righteous man, and although you weren't in my charge yet I decided to look at you.

"Needless to say, I cared about humanity after that, but only one human in particular. You Dean. And I kept an eye on you, I was aware of you from the beginning. That's why I was the first one to find you in Hell and held your damaged soul as you bit me and fought me. I wanted to save you, I needed to save you."

Castiel closes his eyes and Dean wants to grab his hand and lace their fingers together but he won't. He's supposed to be with Lisa after all, but each passing hour it gets harder and harder to remember that.

"So yes, I watched you hunt, I never interfered because I hadn't rebelled yet. I didn't feel for you like I do now... but I always was bonded to you in some way. It's odd to consider since I am so far from human, but I feel like my father created me in this way." Cas shrugs and looks back over at Dean.

"You're tired, you should get some rest," Castiel adds and stands up. "I'll watch over the tent, in case any demon catches the scent of Winchester as they have so eloquently put it before."

Dean bites his lip and looks back at the tent and then at Castiel. He wants to tell Castiel how much he cares for him, how he felt doomed from the start. That at the end of all this he and Cas would end up together, but not even one of those words falls from his lips. Instead, with a final deep breath, he opens the tent and goes inside.

He turns, wanting to ask Castiel if he wants to join him because having the angel close comforts Dean.

"Hey, Cas..." but he's interrupted by his phone ringing, he looks down at it, and sees Lisa's name on the caller ID. He blinks and looks at Castiel apologetically before answering it.

 His mind is replaying the words "Profound Bond" when he and Lisa are talking.

Chapter Text

Dean rubs his sore shoulders as he and Castiel walk through the woods, heading towards the stronghold. They focus on being descreet as they walk, there would be nothing worse than getting caught by demons and letting them get the upperhand.

The camping had been a bust, neither he nor Castiel had gotten any inkling of what was going on at the place. There was no coming and goings, just quiet. Whatever they were doing there, it involved them staying in the decripid place.

"Do you have a plan?" Cas asks as they get closer. "You're not just planning on us going in there with no element of surprise are you?"

Dean frowns and looks over at Castiel and crosses his arms. "I am not stupid, and this isn't my first hunt."

"I didn't say you were stupid, I was asking you about your plan. I also know this isn't your first hunt, we've established that I've been watching you for a very long time Dean," Cas deadpans, not registering Dean's clear sarcasm.

Dean rolls his eyes. "There's an entrance to the side, it's closed off from the rest of the building, but from what I could tell when I looked up the blueprints for this old place was that there's a window that leads into the building."

"Okay, and then what are we going to do when we get inside?" Cas asks and looks over at him.

"I haven't thought that far, I figured that's when we go in guns ablazing, take as many demons down as we can and try to get information from one of them." Dean says and shrugs, feeling a little stupid by the look that Castiel was giving him. It was the Winchester way though, get inside, hide, and take as many down as they could.

"If you seen me on so many hunts you know that's how I operate so don't look at me like that," Dean says and meets Cas' stare with a glare. "Now are we going or not?"

He quickly turns at the sound of footsteps behind him. He curses, he didn't hear them over how he and Castiel were bickering.

"Aren't you two cute? Arguing like an old married couple, so interesting to see the womanizer Dean Winchester flirting with a lovely male angel," the demon says and smiles, their eyes flashing black as it looks at both of them. Three more demons come around, flanking on either side of Dean and Castiel.

"Technically, he's not male or female," Dean grumbles, recalling a conversation he had with Castiel after he panicked when they had sex. "His grace is not defined by gender, it's only his vessel that is male."

The demon rolls it's eyes and walks up to Dean. "It's interesting to see a Winchester trying to get involved with us again, since you ran with your tail between your legs when the taller one got trapped in hell. You should hear his screams," the demon says and laughs.

"Shut up," Dean says, glaring at them.

"Well come on Dean, are you just going to stand there and let us mock you? Come on and fight, we know you've been itching for one, since you've been with that stuck up bitch who is--"

Dean slams the demon into a tree, pulling out his demon blade and holding it across their neck. "Don't you ever," he growls and ignores the sound of a fight behind him. He knows Castiel can take care of himself.

He quickly stabs the demon, not giving them more time to talk and turns to look at Castiel. His heart is beating to quickly and he's trying to catch his breath. He looks down at the two demons on the ground and then back at Cas.

"This was a trap, let's go."

He quickly starts to walk back from where they came only to be stopped by more demons coming out of the bush, backing him and Castiel towards the building.

"Bravo boys, I didn't expect you two to fall for something so easily. Squirrel, you've definitely gotten soft around the edges, missing Moose too much are we?" Crowley walks out from the crowd of demons that backed them up into the wall. "You've definitely didn't think this through."

Dean frowns and furrows his eyebrows, stepping forward. "What the hell are you doing Crowley!?" He shouts, quickly being subdued by other demons.

"Oh come on, did you really think I would let you see all my secrets," he says and laughs. Then waves a hand, "take him away boys, I need to talk to his angel friend here."

Dean tries to fight, but there's too many of them, and after talking a split lip and a couple of hard hits to his ribs, he follows them. He knows what Crowley is up to is not good, but Cas can handle himself. He's more concerned about the demons that were currently dragging him into a random room in the building. One with a chair and chains.

"I've always wanted to have fun with a Winchester," he hears from behind him, and then an eruption of laughter.

Dean glares and takes a deep breath. There's two of them holding his arms, such wusses, they're too afraid to let him walk himself. "You all seem pretty scared of me, so I don't know why you're talking," he growls and wrenches his arm free from one of them, quickly grabbing the angel blade he had hidden on his body and shoving it through another's chest. Then quickly breaks into a sprint, his back to the wall as he turns to face them.

"Come on, I've got plenty more where that came from. You want to take on a Winchester? Then you might as well get the full experience!" He's being reckless, and he knows that, but he can't bring himself to care. It's euphoric, the feeling of adrenaline pumping through his viens. He's always loved the hunt, the fight in it. Maybe that's why he was always destined for this life. If Sam knew about his desire to fight because of the feeling it gave him, he would tell Dean he was a monster.

His breathing is heavy as he stands over the bodies of the demons, he looks at the ones running away. If there is something he can say, it's that Dean Winchester does live up to his reputation.

"Dean?" He hears Castiel's deep voice echo through the hall and he follows it, his breathing starting to even out as he pays attention to his surroundings. He doesn't want a demon to get a grab on him again.

Dean finds Castiel in one of the many halls of the building and grabs his hand, pulling him out quickly. He doesn't want to risk Crowley trying to make some fucked up deal with him, and would rather get out before he could even be tempted. He's sweaty and wants a shower, but first he needs to get out of the woods.

"What did Crowley want?" He asks when they're a safe distance away, picking up his bag from where he stashed it. "Did you find out anything."

Cas takes a breath. "He doesn't know anything about the angels, but he wanted to cut a deal with me. He said he could help me fight the war in heaven, but he won't tell me how. So I told him I won't work with the likes of him, and left. It's strange, he didn't even put a fight."

Dean laughs and runs a hand through his hair. "That's not how he operates, he lets others do the fighting for him. That's probably why he had his minions drag me into the building. Pretty sure they were going to torture me, maybe he was gonna use me as leverage to get you to say yes. I think he forgot how good at fighting I am," he murmurs and walks out of the woods to the Impala, smiling and running his hand over the hood.

He hates to admit how much he missed his car, the beauty of it. Baby will always be the one possession Dean will always take pride in. It's the only connection he has to family, and he plans on cherishing it. He slides in and waits for Castiel to join him.

"You seem in a good mood all of a sudden," Cas comments as he gets in, looking over at Dean.

"Yeah, well, I forgot how crazy I truly am. The hunt got to me is all," he mutters and shrugs, starting up the car and savouring the beauty of the engine roaring to life. He's aware of everything, his senses heightened by the adrenaline rush. He wishes he could use his car all the time, but he won't at home. It's too obvious, it shouts "Winchester here" and would put Ben and Lisa at risk.

He sighs, and pulls into the motel parking lot, and gets out of the car, walking inside his room. He senses a shift in the air when Castiel walks in and he braces himself for the conversation.

"Are we going to talk about last night?" Cas asks and makes Dean turn and face him. "You asked me to join you in your tent..."

"It's not like we had sex or anything Cas. You just were there while I slept," Dean mutters and rubs a hand across his forehead. He's sick of talking about this, he's sick of the want he feels when he's around Cas and he's sick of the hurt looks that Cas gives him. He wants this all to be over, to go back to normal. But what is normal for a Winchester? Hell, this is probably what is deemed normal.

"Dean it's clear that you crave intimacy with me, I just want to understand why you're fighting your desire so much. She is not here, and she does not understand you as I do. She doesn't know what you've faced and will never truly understand."

If Dean wasn't trying so hard to fight the new wave of adrenaline that washed over him he would be appalled at the way that Cas was so nonchalantly telling Dean to cheat on Lisa. Isn't the sanctity of marriage religious people's kink? Yeah, he and Lisa weren't married but they might as well be, and for Cas to suggest Dean just forget her...

"You're holding on to this promise you made your brother and I understand Dean. But not every promise can be kept, you can't fight who you are. You are a hunter, and you won't get to live a normal life like the one you dreamed of. And I know you've stopped wanting that normal life a long time ago because it doesn't matter if Sam is not there to enjoy it with you."

Dean's breath hitches as he listens to Castiel's words. The guy really fucking knew him and understood the way Dean felt.

And Dean felt so good after the hunt, his body alive and aware of everything. He's aware of the pent-up energy that is pooling in his gut, making him feel a warmth spreading to his limbs.

Dean is so sick of fighting. He's so sick of pretending.

Without a second thought he pulls Castiel in by his jacket, smashing their lips together and pushing him hard against the wall, the heat pooling in his stomach and his groin. He feels Cas' hand in his hair, pulling on it, deepening the kiss. Dean can't help the moan that it causes, and he lets Cas spin them around; pressing him back against the wall effortlessly.

Dean would never admit it, but he has a kink for being manhandled.

The kiss is rough, Castiel at his lip with his teeth, and runs his hand down Dean's side, gripping his hip and pulling their bodies close together. Dean gasps and rolls against him, feeling Cas' length pressing into his thigh.

it doesn't take long for them to start tearing off each other's clothing. It reminds Dean very much of the first time they had sex. It was born out of passion, and was all hands and rushed movements. Dean wants to get as close to Castiel as he can, to feel Cas inside of him. To be treated roughly and lovingly at the same time.

He throws his head back and moans when Castiel takes off his pants and boxers, going down on his knees and quickly pulling them to his feet. His eyes close and Cas swallows down his length, bobbing his head in a sloppy rhythm. The warmth around his cock is overwhelming and Dean tangles his fingers in Castiel's dark hair, looking down at bright blue eyes blown with lust.

He can feel the ending coming and he lets out a warning, but Castiel doesn't stop. Instead, Cas pulls back and focuses on the tip of his cock, teasing the slit with his tongue while he strokes the base. He goes back down more slowly, bobbing his head at a steady pace to take Dean fully in his mouth and down his throat. When he's fully there, he swallows and Dean sees white and comes down the angel's throat.

He's breathing heavily when he opens his eyes, but he doesn't have that much time to recover before Castiel is pulling him into a much softer kiss, one that is less urgent. He wraps his arms around the angel's shoulders and follows his lead, tasting himself on Castiel's tongue.

Dean lets Cas lead him into the bed and the kissing starts to become more heated again. He pulls back from the kisses to catch his breath, feeling Cas begin to kiss down his throat.

He feels like he should be contributing more in the foreplay but he's still recovering from his first orgasm and trying to wrap his tired mind around how much of an effect Cas has on him. He's already hard again and ready for round two. Dean prides himself in being able to go for more than one round, but it has never been this quick.

"Cas will you just fuck me already?" Dean moans, his back arching as Cas sucks a nipple into his mouth, laving at it with his tongue. Dean knows he should feel embarrassed, wanting to be fucked so bad. But he can't have any shame with the things Cas is doing to him. He doesn't even focus on how messed up it is that he's cheating on Lisa right now.

Cas smirks and lifts Deans legs up, taking an agonizingly slow time to prepare him. "This is the fun part," Cas murmurs, his voice even deeper with arousal. "I like to see what I do to you, make you ask for it. I know you also enjoy being pushed further and further," he whispers pulling back with a protest from Dean.

"This is especially hot for me Dean," Castiel growls, his voice close to Dean's ear as he pushes inside of him in one slow thrust, his breathing uneven. "To make you want me," he pants.

Dean is gripping Castiel's shoulders, unable to control the sounds coming out of his throat as Cas starts to give it to him. He's never had sex this good, never had someone push him so far to the edge that he's begging for it. So much to the point that he practically fucks himself back on every deep thrust Cas gives him.

"So sexy," Castiel moans in his ear, thrusting harder into Dean. Dean's eyes roll back into his head as he feels his orgasm start to grow. "I love to worship your body Dean Winchester, to give you pleasure and cherish your sounds," he pants, angling his hips in an angle that causes Dean to see stars.

Dean drags his nails down Castiel's back and lets himself feel what they're doing. He doesn't want the pleasure to be clouded out by the feelings of embarrassment and shame that he would normally feel by this act. Instead, he lets himself enjoy the way Cas grips his hips tight, fucking him hard. He enjoys the loud groans Cas breathes into his neck, the soft words in Enochian and the praise he gives.

His back arches at one particularly hard thrust, his eyes falling shut and his feet digging into Cas' back as he comes hard between their bodies not even needing to be touched.

Cas follows soon after, and Dean doesn't even feel gross when Cas pulls out and comes on his stomach. He's too blissed out to care, he's floating in the wave of his second orgasm. His body relaxed.

He closes his eyes and just drifts, he hasn't felt this kind of bliss in a long time. He also hasn't felt this kind of adoration from anyone, not even Lisa as Cas presses soft kisses to his forehead and neck as he cleans them up.

Dean doesn't protest when Cas pulls him to his chest and instead lets himself enjoy the moment. He's so sick of fighting this. And falls asleep.

Chapter Text

Dean is a mess when he wakes up the next morning. He’s sticky and gross, and the bed is empty. Which fucking sucks. He wishes that he felt anything else except for the gross dried sweat on his naked body and the crushing shame he feels when he thinks about how he was getting fucked while Lisa was at home wondering if he was safe or not.

Turning over, he rubs his tired eyes and grabs his cellphone, turning on the screen to check the time. Groaning, he puts it down, feeling like absolute shit.

“I am a terrible human who deserves to be in the cage rather than you Sammy,” he mumbles as he grabs his phone again, unlocking the screen and opening the texts that Lisa had sent him last night.

Just checking in, you didn’t message me after you told me you were figuring out something. I’m worried Dean. 10:00 pm.

Hey Dean, you still haven’t told me if you’re okay? Please message me or call me. I just want to know that you’re alive. Okay. I love you. 1:00 am.

This isn’t funny. 6:00 am.

Dean, please message me back! 6:30 am.

“Fuck,” Dean mutters and opens the twenty missed calls and dials her number. The last thing he wants is to talk to her after being fucked by Cas last night. It just reminds him of what a failure he really was.

“Dean?! What the fuck I’ve been worried sick about you!” Lisa yells as she answers the phone, and Dean can imagine her closing her eyes and running her hands through her brown hair. He feels a lump form in his throat at the act of betrayal.

“I’m sorry, I just left my phone at the motel. I know, I’m an asshole. I’m just getting in,” he lies and stares up at the ceiling. He’s painfully aware of the soreness in his body, one he feels after a good fuck. “I promise I won’t do that again.”

"It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re alive.”

Dean nods and closes his eyes, trying hard to keep his composure. Fuck, he’s an asshole. “Well baby, I’m alive. A little sore after taking a couple hits, but you don’t need to worry about me. How are you and Ben? Is he doing okay in school? I know me leaving probably took a toll on him.”

“Ben’s fine, he’s started playing baseball. He really likes it but wants to keep boxing. Makes me nervous, I don’t want him coming home with a black eye.”

Dean laughs and opens his eyes. “They make you wear a helmet Lis until you get better at blocking punches. Let him try, it might be good for him. Make me feel better, knowing that he’s learning how to throw a decent punch.”

“I guess,” she murmurs. “You promise me you’re okay?”

“Of course, Lisa, I am fine. I’ve been hunting since I turned sixteen, I’ve got a lot of years under my belt. I’ll call you tonight okay?”

“Okay, love you.”

Dean closes his eyes once more, hating himself probably more than he ever has. “Love you, too baby.”He hangs up the phone and gets out of bed, feeling the cool air hit his overheated body. He’s sore in what normally would be all the right places but right now he feels like total trash. Like he’s fucked someone wasted and didn’t remember their name in the morning.

He needs a shower.

“Where the fuck are you Cas?” He mutters as he walks to the bathroom, turning on the water and standing under the shitty motel’s shower spray.

Dean is practically falling asleep in the shower before he is woken up by the feeling of Cas’ lips pressing slowly down the back of his neck.

“Where’d you go?” He mumbles, reaching behind him and grabbing Cas’ hand, pulling it to the front of his body, running it down his stomach.

“Mm,” Cas hums, nipping at Dean’s throat running his hand lower. “I was out getting you breakfast and coffee, figured you’d need it after last night. It is imperative,” he breathes into Deans' ear as he wraps his hand around Dean’s slowly swelling cock, “that you eat and stay hydrated after intercourse.”

“If you call it that, you’re going to make me go soft,” Dean mutters and turns, pulling Cas into a kiss and moaning as Cas presses him back against the shower wall, the feeling of his naked body pressed against Dean’s making Dean’s eyes fall shut as Cas kisses down his neck.

“Fuck, you must have put some crazy angel spell on me,” Dean moans, tilting his head back as Cas runs his tongue over his jaw, nibbling at his ear lobe.

“No Dean, I just know every part of you so intimately, I know how to make you unravel with just a touch.” Cas punctuates his words by slotting his knee between Dean’s leg, rolling it up agonizingly slowly against Dean’s leaking cock.

“Fuck,” Dean gasps, grabbing whatever he could for purchase. All the shame and guilt he felt this morning dropping away with Cas’ touch. All he could think about was how good the angel felt his rough hands gripping Dean’s hips as he rolled against him.

“What are you thinking Dean?” Cas murmurs in his ear, letting out a low moan as Dean meets the thrusting of his hips.

Dean laughs breathlessly. “My mind is debating on grabbing our cocks and finishing us both off or thinking about you lifting me up and being inside me. But with how you’re moving I don’t think I’ll last--- ah!” He lets out the shout of pleasure at Castiel biting down on his shoulder, feeling two fingers slip inside him.

His vision whites out as all he can currently think are how good it would feel for Cas to be pounding into him mercilessly against the shower wall.

He grunts as Cas inserts another finger, fucking him good and slow. “Cas don’t fucking tease me,” he growls, nipping at the angel’s ear, his nails dragging over his shoulder.

“Tell me,” Cas pants, kissing his neck roughly before pulling Dean into another hungry kiss. Dean is so far gone that it’s all mess of tongues and teeth as he tries to catch his breath as Cas rubs his fingers slowly over his prostate.

“Tell you what,” he shudders, head falling back when Castiel stops kissing him. “Cas if you don’t stop I’m going to cum,” he pants out, his legs spreading wider as Cas keeps moving his fingers.

“Tell me how bad you want me to fuck you,” Cas growls and Dean opens his eyes. He never pegged Cas to be into dirty talk. But then again, he didn’t even know Cas had a sex drive, to begin with. It was weird, it was like Cas only got turned on by Dean and Dean only.

Which in itself was pretty fucking hot.

“Ungh,” Dean moans louder trying to find his thoughts. “Cas I want your dick inside me. Bury yourself to the hilt. I want you to fuck me so hard that I can’t walk normally for days. I need you inside me. Just fucking give it to me, before I come and the fun’s over.”

He can’t help but let out a shout of pleasure with Cas manhandling him and spinning him around, pushing him hard against the wall with the rough thrust inside him. Dean’s vision goes white and all he can feel is Cas giving it to him hard and rough. He feels the angel’s hands in his hair, tugging it, and his lip’s on Dean’s throat leaving rough kisses and nips.

He’s not going to last long with how good Cas is, and so he presses his hands against the shower wall and moves back against Cas. He grins at the sound that tears out of Castiel’s throat. He can’t even be weirded out by the fact that he’s practically fucking himself on Castiel’s cock as he meets each of Cas’ thrusts roughly.

With a groan, Dean comes hard over the tiles when Cas hits his prostate roughly, pausing in his hard thrusts to grind over the spot. His vision whites out and he feels Cas pull out, hears him curse as he finishes himself off on Dean’s back. The shower quickly washing away all evidence of their rough fuck.

Dean feels like he’s going to fall asleep and he doesn’t protest when Cas picks him up, shutting off the shower and helping him to sit on the edge of the tub. “Sorry,” Cas whispers, “I got carried away.”

Dean laughs and leans against Cas, resting his forehead on his shoulder. “Nah, I like when you get carried away. I should tell you to do it more often,” he whispers. “Okay, I better get dressed, figure out what the fuck is going on with all this bullshit supernatural activity happening here.”

Cas shakes his head. “I don’t know if you’ll even be able to walk Dean, I was really rough on you.”

Dean looks up at Cas. “This is not the first time I’ve been mercilessly fucked Cas, I can handle it,” he mutters and moves to stand. His legs feel like jello and he can’t really walk straight. It’s strangely pleasurable the feeling of being fucked so well his legs don’t want to work.

He looks over at Cas who seems incredibly concerned and laughs, patting him on the back. “Don’t feel so bad dude, this is good. You did what I asked you to. I just can’t go out hunting until my ass stops being so sore. Can’t really fight with a limp, now can I?” He winks and slaps Cas’ ass before walking out into the room, putting on a fresh pair of clothes.

“How many men have fucked you, Dean?” Cas asks as he walks into the room, helping Dean sit down and passing him a cup of coffee. Dean takes a sip, the coffee almost as good as his orgasm. Almost.

Dean shrugs. “Not many,” he says and laughs. “You definitely are the first guy to really give it to me. No, I’ve tried pegging a couple of times, since I like such dominant chicks. It was pretty good,” he says and opens up his laptop. “Why? Jealous Cas?” He asks and grins.

Cas scowls and sits down across from him. Dean scoffs, he finds it adorable that Cas seems to be bothered by the fact that Dean’s gotten around. “You shouldn’t be jealous about my sex life, Cas. I’m sure you were fully aware of it.”

“I am not jealous, I was just curious. It interests me that you insist you are only into the female gender when you enjoy being with me. That’s why it made me curious.”

Dean shrugs again, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “Well, some people just push your button differently. Not many dudes do it for me, a few have, but not many.”

Cas nods and looks over at the messy bed. “I guess I can understand that since I’m an angel and don’t have any desire to really have sex with anyone. Except for you Dean.”

Dean chokes on his coffee and looks over at him. “Beg your pardon? What do you mean Cas?”

Cas shrugs. “Similarly, I haven’t felt the desire to be with anyone like I am with you. I think it’s just because of our bond Dean. Otherwise, I might not experience any sexual thoughts at all.”

Dean nods and looks up at him. “Oh, well… I’m honoured Cas.”

He looks down at his phone and sees it light up from a text from Lisa. Things have gotten a lot more complicated than he ever intended them to. 


 

Dean rolls out of the bed the next day and pulls on his pants. It’s been a while since he’s spent consecutive nights naked and getting his mind blown. He’s not complaining, but at the same time, he knows this must end. All good things come to an end, especially for a man like Dean Winchester.

He runs a hand through his tousled hair and grabs his duffle bag, looking over at the bed where Cas was still laying down. His arms behind his head, and his bare chest showing. If Dean didn’t have a lead for the angel murder about three hours away from where they were currently staying he would probably climb back on top of him and give him one of his mind-blowing blow jobs. But Dean was here for a hunt, and he had to remember that.

“Up and at ‘em,” Dean says and throws Castiel’s clothes at him. “We’ve got to get going if I have any hope of trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.”

Cas looks over at him and sits up, the blanket pooling deliciously around his hips. “You sure Dean? I can handle this on my own.”

“To close to Lisa and Ben, I promised them I would keep them safe.” He says and throws his bag over his shoulder. “Now come on, I need coffee and some sugary carb to get me awake. You did a number on me last night.”

Cas sighs and Dean looks back at him. “What’s wrong?” Dean asks and raises an eyebrow.

“I am not human Dean, and emotions often fall flat for me. I don’t normally feel any sort of possessiveness, but I feel upset that you are still thinking about Lisa after the last couple of days we’ve had.”

“Well Cas, unfortunately, I will probably always think of Lisa. We were practically married, and when this is all said and done I have to go back to her.”

Dean doesn’t flinch when Cas gets up and walks to him, getting in his personal space. He’s used to this by now, Cas was weirdly possessive, and it was hot in the sack but not so great when they were trying to act like adult and angel.

“So, you’re going to go back to Lisa and forget about me? Is that really possible Dean?” Cas asks, and Dean can practically feel the challenge in those words. “You are an honourable man, I don’t think you’ll be able to do that, but if that’s what you wish, I can’t stop you.”

Dean sighs and looks at Cas. “I feel like shit like I should be in the pit. I owe it to her to at least try and fix things, if she doesn’t want to be with me when she finds out about my cheating then I won’t make her stay with me. But I need to try Cas.”

“You’ve tried hard enough Dean, you’ve tried to avoid me, you’ve tried to pretend like the life of a hunter is not for you. I think you deserve the world, and I wish that you weren’t trapped in this life, but it always comes to find you. When are you going to realize that?”

“When my happy little bubble is burst Cas, and I don’t need the lecture. Can we just get going, please?”

He hates fighting with Cas, and although this is cordial, he can feel the growing tension in the room. He should have never brought up Lisa in the first place. He could have gone on pretending for a little bit longer than what he and Cas had was real, and that it was going to last. But clearly, he has to burst that bubble a little sooner than later.

It’s good for him. Dean doesn’t deserve nice things, and he deserves whatever consequences his actions will bring him.

“Cas, I care about you, but I love her. Okay? Now drop it.”

He wishes he can take his words back, and not see the flash of anger and then hurt that goes across Cas’ face. He wishes that Cas would punch him, pummel his face in. Lord knows he deserves it. He wishes he never had decided to go on the stupid hunt in the first place. But since the words are out, there’s no stopping them now.

“If that’s how you feel Dean, then I’ll go back to heaven.”

Dean is about to say something else, but the sound of wings flapping stops him. He stares at the empty spot where Cas once stood and curses, walking to grab his car keys off the table.

Dean Winchester didn’t do love. He did passion and hard fucks and fights. He was wired differently, and although he loved Lisa, it wasn’t the same for how he felt about Cas. He wishes he could put it into words, but he can’t admit to himself how he truly feels. Not yet. He has to keep his promise. If that meant hurting people along the way, he had no choice. He was a Winchester.

He didn’t deserve happiness.

With one last look at the bed where he and Cas had spent one hell of a passionate time together, Dean leaves the motel. He wishes he hadn’t even gone there in the first place.

 

Chapter Text

Dean knocks on Lisa’s door. He’s been in this place before and he doesn’t know what to say to her to get her to forgive him. He feels so guilty and ashamed, and he has no right even asking her for forgiveness. Maybe he should just tell her they have to be over, he can’t keep playing this game with himself. He should just be alone. Pretend like he never loved Lisa, that he doesn’t love Cas.

When Lisa opens the door, his eyes tear up. “Hey,” he whispers, his voice cracking. Dean is tired. He’s dirty. He’s been hunting for months. He’s forgotten what home felt like. But looking at Lisa he feels the overwhelming sense of home. He’s never felt that with anyone besides Sam. Sam was Dean’s home, and now he’s gone, so he has to be with Lisa. Lisa is his home now.

But deep down, Dean knows. He can’t. He can’t do it anymore. He can’t keep living this lie that he’s madly in love with Lisa. He can’t pretend like he’s not a hunter. He can’t pretend like his life in suburban bliss makes him want to take his sawed off and blow his brains out. Dean can’t do it anymore. He’s so sick of fighting it all. Pretending like there isn’t this aching emptiness in his chest that consumes his being when he’s pretending to be normal. He’s not and he never will be.

When his mom died, Dean promised that he would take care of Sammy.

When Sammy went away to college Dean felt relieved. He was glad to know that Sam had gotten out of the life. Despite hearing his father tell him how big of a failure he was compared to Sam, Dean knew that Sam would be safe. At least he hoped. He hoped that Azazel was gone and that his dad was chasing a faded memory in his last-ditch attempt to find some control over the death of Mary.

When Dean’s dad died, well, Sam was all that he had left in the world. Even before then Sam was all Dean had ever had.

His father was a drunk. An abusive drunk. Sam thought Dean worshipped him, and in some fucked up way Dean did. But not the way Sam thought. Dean just needed to be like his old man to keep the punches from coming. To protect Sam while Sam slept. To never fail in his father’s eyes so that way he could be kept safe from the berating words.

Dean never let himself feel anything for anyone because of his father. His father taught him that love, although beautiful, was also soul-crushing. Dean watched his father drink himself into a man he wasn’t. Dean watched his father hunt himself to near death. Dean watched his father eventually die because of love.

When his father had found out Dean was bisexual it was a mess and Dean vowed he would never feel anything like that for a man after the bruises he had to hide from Sam had healed.

Then Dean met Cas and all those promises that Dean had made to himself had flown right out the window. At night, Dean would lay awake and contemplate what he was feeling. How a touch from Cas caused his stomach to fill with butterflies. How even though he pretended to hate it when Cas got in his personal space how he just wanted him closer. Or how whenever Cas brought up their profound bond he couldn’t control how he felt warm and fuzzy all over.

What he felt for Lisa was different. Lisa was safe. She was comfort and peace and normal life that Dean had thought he wanted after the death of his mother and the obsession of his father. She was a gentle touch, a soothing voice. He felt comfortable with her. But that’s all it was. It was just comfort. It was just a promise Dean had made to his dead brother.

Cas was fire and passion and a deep-seated desire that set Dean’s soul ablaze whenever they touched. Cas wasn’t safe. Cas was everything that Dean wanted. Lisa was what he knew he should need but he couldn’t pretend anymore. Not after the weeks, he spent with Cas.

“Lisa… I…” Dean looks down at his shoes.

“Why aren’t you coming inside?” Lisa asks, frowning. Dean knows that she’s pretending like she doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Remember the man that I was talking to outside, Cas? I wasn’t completely honest with you Lisa… about him. He and I… we uh… we were intimate with each other in the past.” Dean cringes and ignores the fear that he feels when he comes out to Lisa. “And… and he and I used to hunt together… he met up with me on this hunt… and we…”

He looks back up at her. Dean had to face this like a man. He couldn’t hide from the words that he was going to tell her. He didn’t deserve to not see her hurt and anger at his words. “I had sex with him,” he whispers, the words coming out choked.

Lisa blinks and steps outside, closing the door behind her. Dean knows it’s to keep Ben from hearing their conversation. Dean’s expecting her to start yelling, maybe slap him.

“I thought you cheated on me with a woman,” She says and laughs. “I mean… I have a thing for garbage men Dean. I wasn’t thinking you weren’t texting me because of some hunt. I thought it was because you were shacking up with some girl and ignoring my existence.”

Dean doesn’t know how to feel. He feels offended that Lisa assumed he was cheating on her. But at the same time… he did.

“I guess this is the part where you expect me to start screaming?” She asks and Dean nods in disbelief.

“I’m not going to yell at you… at least you told me… that’s more honorable than most of the men I’ve been with Dean. But I am going to tell you to pack your stuff and leave. I can’t have you coming and going, deciding to hunt, and then fucking some dude while Ben is around. I won’t do that to him. I’ve told you this before.”

Dean nods and takes a deep breath. “All I need is what I’ve got Lisa…” he whispers. “The rest of those clothes are for a life I was never meant to live…”

Lisa nods and kisses his cheek. “Good luck Dean, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Sucks that it wasn’t me…” she whispers. “Be safe, the world would be a lot darker without you in it.”

Dean sighs and turns around to leave. He’s floored by how calmly she took it… how she ended it. He’s glad she did because Dean wasn’t sure if he had the guts to end things with her if she said that she wanted to work it out.

At the same time, Dean is heartbroken. He’s leaving something with Lisa. He’s leaving a life that he could have had. With children and a family that wasn’t broken. It was something he had always wanted. Something Sam knew Dean had wanted too. Even though Dean knew he could never have it, that it just wasn’t in his blood. He still felt the loss weigh on his chest.

Dean gets into the Impala and stares out at the driveway. He plans on drinking tonight, then crashing in some seedy motel. He wants to forget his existence for a bit. He wants to forget that Lisa had ever been a part of his life. Forget that Cas wasn’t coming back. Forget that Sam was dead. He just wanted to not exist at this moment in time.

He hated himself. He really did. 


 

Dean wakes up in the motel, his head pounding and his mouth dry. He groans and turns over in the bed, pulling the covers up over his eyes to block out the light that is filtering through the windows. Everything hurts. He knows he’s getting soft since he hasn’t had a hangover this bad in years.

He wants to ignore his phone when it begins to ring.

“Thank you for calling Dean Winchester’s help service line, how can I be of service?” He answers, turning over in bed and rubbing his eyes. Normally, when someone calls his phone, it’s never for something good. It’s always ‘Dean! I got this number from so and so they said you could help me fight this ugly ghost’ and Dean is pretty pleased with his answer to the phone call.

“You sound like you drowned yourself in a big bottle of Jameson, boy. Not taking after your father, now are we? I’m surprised you actually answered my phone call since you’ve been avoiding me for so long,” Bobby gruffly says on the other line.

Dean stares up at the ceiling and lets out a breath. “Good to be talking to you, too, Bobby. What’s up?”

“I can’t call you just to see how you’re doing?” Bobby asks, and Dean rolls his eyes. Bobby normally calls when he’s got a big hunt on his hands so Dean assumes it’s that. They’re not really into talking about their feelings.

“You’ve gone soft,” Dean laughs.

Bobby lets out a gruff chuckle of his own. “Maybe I have. Your girl or ex-girl got a hold of me. Said that she found my number in one of your secret cells. Said you always talked about me being a father to ya and that she wanted me to check if you were doing okay. Since you seemed like you were going to do something stupid when you left her house last night.”

Dean groans and rubs his temples, looking at the beat-up motel room. “No, I just got super drunk Bobby and had a good time hustling people in the pool. Got to make money somehow since I’m fired from my construction job.”

“Construction, huh? Dang, she made an honest man out of you Dean. Why’d you let that go?”

Dean blinks and stares out at the television. He’s done a lot of things that are terrifying in his life, but coming out to those he’s closest to is the hardest. So, he doesn’t say anything, just gets out of bed. “

"You can take the hunter away from the hunt but you can’t take the hunt out of the hunter,” he mutters and grabs his bag off the table, digging through it for a clean pair of underwear. “I couldn’t pretend to be something I wasn’t anymore.”

“Oh, shut up Dean. That’s a load of bull, everyone wants out and you got it.” Bobby says and Dean can practically see the angry look on the older hunter’s face.

He shakes his head and stares at the door. Bobby didn’t understand, not in the way Sam would. Bobby chose this life after having to take down his wife, he wasn’t forced into it like Sam and Dean. He didn’t trail after a deadbeat dad who took them on hunts. Hell, Bobby wasn’t chosen to start the apocalypse and get hunted down by angels and demons constantly. He just couldn’t understand.

“Whatever Bobby, is there anything else I can do for you?”

“I have a hunt for you,” Bobby replies grudgingly and Dean laughs.

“So much for me being out of the game, huh Bobby? You were quick to ask me for help,” He says and picks up his bag, leaving the motel. “What is it?”

“It’s a Djinn.”

Dean nods. “Oh, I love a good genie, they make my wildest dreams come true.” He says grimly, remembering the last time he encountered one of those.

“I figured since you’re in the area you’d be more than keen to go hunting it.”

He nods. “Okay, so tell me where I’m going and I’ll start looking and asking around. Any other hunters around here that have been trying to find it?”

“No, not that I’m aware.”

Dean frowns and stops mid-walk. “Bobby, how do you know it’s a Djinn then? It could be anything.”

“If you’d let me continue speaking you Idjit I’d be able to tell you about the case and why I think it’s a Djinn.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Okay, well I’ve got a nasty hangover, need a beer and a burger so please quickly enlighten me.”

“Wow, I forgot how rude you are. Is that any way to talk to your elder’s boy?”

“I’m waiting Bobby,” Dean responds and laughs.

After talking with Bobby for what seems like hours, Dean gets in his Impala and prepares to drive to Indiana. He can’t get over how weird it feels to not have Sam with him, someone to talk to who researches everything as they drive. But he knows if Sam were here he wouldn’t be doing something dumb like going after a Djinn alone.

He told Bobby it was weird that he was sending him to fight the thing by himself since Bobby knows how dangerous they are. But Bobby trusted him, considering Dean would be more aware of what a Djinn induced coma was if it got that far. Bobby also promised to send one of the hunters in the area to help him. But hunters were loners and they worked alone, so Dean was almost grateful that he could do the majority of the hunt by himself. Doing it without Sammy just felt wrong.

He still has an empty feeling in his chest and wishes Cas was here but Dean knew that he fucked that up. This is why he hated driving for long periods by himself now. It was blasphemy for Dean to say that he hated driving, but when he was by himself all he was left was were his thoughts and not even Metallica could drown it out.

It was going to be a long drive.

 

Three hours later and Dean pulls up to the closest motel to the small town. Dean wonders why the Djinn would pick such a small town. They were bottom feeders, hiding in dark spaces but it’s a lot more noticeable when people go missing from locations that have fewer people. Especially when the Djinn is sloppy and disposes of the bloodless corpse close by the town.

This Djinn must be desperate because it was so sloppy. They’re normally smarter than that.

Whatever the case, Dean knows that he was going to have to be extra careful when figuring out where the son of a bitch was hiding. He couldn’t risk being ambushed because it just took one touch to poison him and push him into hallucinations.

First, he needs to eat something and then go get some lamb blood so he could kill the thing and be on his merry way of drinking until he blacked out and forgot about his life for a bit.

He walks into the motel room to put his bag down and figure out where he needed to go to get what he needed when he hears a noise behind him. Immediately, Dean grabs his gun that he hides underneath his belt and turns.

“Sleep,” he hears a voice whisper and Dean feels the cold touch of the fucker on his arm. How it knew he would be here Dean has no idea, but he fights as hard as he can but he quickly fails.

Fuck the supernatural, he thinks as he collapses.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

Dean wakes up with a start and stares up at the motel ceiling. He feels weird like he’s had one too many beers and washed those down with too much whiskey. His stomach is growling but he’s scared if he eats anything he’ll throw up.

“It looks like you’ve had one hell of a night,” Sam laughs from where he’s sitting at his laptop and Dean’s heart stops beating in and all he can feel is the whoosh of air that comes out of his throat. He feels like he’s been punched in the gut and the world goes fuzzy for a second.

“Woah Dean, are you alright?” Sam asks and stands up, walking over to his brother.

“Yeah Sammy, I’m fine. Just feel a little off, that’s all.” Dean blinks and looks around the room, trying to figure out if he’s dreaming or not. He feels like he’s forgetting something important but he can’t put his finger on it.

“Where are we?” He asks and looks back at Sam, running a hand through his hair and grabbing his cellphone of the nightstand to check the time.

Sam gives him a funny look. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re in Indiana, about five miles away from New Palestine. Bobby sent us here.”

Dean nods and takes a calming breath, standing up. “Okay… okay, uh right. Sorry, I must have drunk too much last night.”

“You’re telling me, you came in at like four am, the necklace of hickeys around your neck really punctuates how much fun you must have had.”

Dean groans and runs a hand down the side of his face, walking into the small bathroom of the motel. He examines his neck and then washes his face. “Any chance you know who I was with?” He asks as he wipes his face.

“My guess is Cas because if it wasn’t Cas you have a whole lot of explaining to do. And I do not want to be here when he finds out.”

Dean feels another curveball hit him and he stares at the mirror feeling very confused. Sam didn’t know Dean was bisexual and he sure as hell didn’t know that Dean had it bad for Cas. That didn’t make any sense.

“Well he’s one hell of a guy, isn’t he? Fucks me good and then leaves.”

“Ugh Dean, please spare the details,” Sam says and Dean walks out of the bathroom to see the disgusted look on Sam’s face. He can’t help but laugh. It’s a full-bellied laugh, and Dean feels shocked at how his body reacts to it. It’s like he hasn’t laughed like that in a long time.

“What? Two men getting it on freaks you out Sammy?” Dean teases and sits across from him at the table. “Never pegged you for a homophobe.”

Sam gives Dean a look and again Dean is overcome with this feeling of relief at seeing his brother’s classic bitchface. “No, I just don’t need to know that he’s the reason you’re limping right now.”

“It’s perfectly natural Sammy, it’s a beautiful act of nature. Don’t be such a prude. If you don’t have trouble walking after it wasn’t good. I feel bad for any girl you’ve ever been with if you don’t make her walk funny after,” he teases and stretches in his chair. Although he feels like something is off about what’s going on, he also feels happy and calm. This feels right him and Sammy teasing each other about their love lives.

“I am perfectly fine in showing a girl a good time Dean, not everyone wants to be manhandled you know,” Sam mutters and glares at him from behind his computer.

“Whatever you say sasquatch,” Dean responds and gets up from his chair, pulling on his jeans and then smelling his armpits. He definitely smells like sex and should have a shower. But now that the weird feeling wears off all he wants is a nice greasy burger with extra bacon.

“Come on, let’s go get something to eat, I’m starved,” Dean says to Sam and looks over at him. “You don’t need to brood over your laptop all day, you know.”

“Well, I’m sorry but if we’re gonna find out what is causing these disappearances I’m going to have to first research any other disappearances that happened in this county,” Sam mutters and looks over at him. “And Cas is bringing us food, he always does, every morning. Since he’s so in love and always wants to make sure you’re eating after you two… ugh,” he shudders and closes his laptop.

“At least this time you guys didn’t kick me out of the hotel room.”

Dean snorts and goes and sits back down at the table and just stares at Sam. He feels a weird sadness in his gut when staring at his baby brother. He can’t put his finger on it, but he feels like he missed this… a lot. Which was strange because he and Sam always did this and were always together.

“Why are you staring at me like that Dean, it’s weird,” Sam says and furrows his eyebrows, his hair falling into his face.

“I missed this,” Dean says and shrugs.

Sam raises an eyebrow and reaches over, placing his hand on Dean’s forehead. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You’re acting weird. Why would you miss this? We do this every single day Dean.”

He shrugs and swats Sam’s hand away. “Well… you know, I’ve been spending so much time with Cas, I miss just hanging out with my baby brother.” He teases and leans back in his chair. “I mean, who’s gonna tease you about the damn rabbit food you eat?”

“Very funny Dean,” Sam mutters and looks at his watch. “It’s weird, Cas is normally back by now.”

“Yeah, well, the guy isn’t known for his punctuality Sam,” He chuckles. “Look, I’m going stir crazy in here, is there anything I can do? What is it we’re looking for exactly? You didn’t really explain it to me, just made me drive all the way here.” Dean’s lying, he has no idea what he’s talking about. His memory has holes, it feels like he’s missing important parts about the events leading up to him and Sam in this motel.

He looks around the room, the weird feeling washing over him again. He didn’t know what day it was, or how he got here. And if he and Cas really did have an amazing night together he sure as hell would remember it. And Sam wouldn’t know that he and Cas were together because Dean was taught from a young age that being bisexual was wrong and he shouldn’t be into men.

“Woah,” Dean says as he sees blue flash behind Sam and blinks. He rubs his eyes and leans forward. “Sam, did you see that?” He asks and stands up, walking behind Sam to look where the blue had flashed. Most people would say that it was a trick of his eye, but Dean knew better. He was a Winchester after all and when he saw something strange it meant it was definitely strange.

“See what?” Sam asks and looks over at him. “Dean you should lay down, you definitely are acting weird.”

Dean blinks and curses. “Son of a bitch,” he whispers and looks at Sam. “I swear I saw something flash behind you, it was blue…”

It feels like déjà vu to Dean. He knows that he’s experienced something like this before. But he can’t quite put his finger on it.

“Uh… I need some air,” Dean says and walks out of the motel room, ignoring Sam’s “Dean wait!” as he leaves.

He looks around outside, letting the air fill his lungs. Even the air feels off, and Dean just wants to shake the feeling of this isn’t right and enjoy just hanging out with his brother. But he knows that he should be realizing something.

“Sleep.”

Dean blinks and looks around him as he hears the voice. It was so close, it was practically in his ear. His hands are shaking and his head is spinning now. He knows it’s a panic attack, and he hasn’t had one of those in a while. He leans against the motel and closes his eyes, trying to catch his breath and calm down.

“It’s all okay, you’re happy here.”

“Dean! Hey!” Sam grabs Dean’s shoulder and makes Dean look at him. “Hey, breathe.” He says and helps Dean sit on the ground.

Dean’s eyes fill with tears and he grips Sam’s hand. He looks around him, seeing flashes of a decrepit wall. He feels his hands above him. “Sam, I know what we’re hunting,” he whispers.

Sam looks at him with a face full of concern. Dean misses that face so much.

“It’s a Djinn and you’re in hell and I’m all alone,” he gasps, before blacking out.

 

Dean knows that he’s watching the Djinn walk around the room. He’s pretending to not be conscious, but he knows the second it tries to feed he’s going to lose his cool.

He wishes he was actually with Sam because Sam was always able to get him out of situations like this one. But this time he was on his own. He knew it was a bad idea when Bobby asked him to do this hunt on his own, but he needed the distraction.

Dean has half a mind to just live in the world the Djinn created for him because he’s happy there. He’s with his brother. Dean can pretend like his only issue is that he can’t pick between Lisa or Cas but deep down he’s grieving constantly. He misses Sam like he misses a body part.

It’s hard to focus and seem asleep as the monster walks around the room. Dean wants to fight back but he has no strength. He needs to figure out where he is in order to take down the Djinn. Even that’s hard though, each passing moment the poison wants to pull him under.

Dean’s attention is caught by a window in the room. Strange… Djinn’s normally picked ruins. He wants to shake his head so he could focus but that was out of the question.

Okay, window. Focus Dean.

"Is he still asleep?” He hears a distant voice call and he fights the urge to look over in that direction.

“I don’t answer to the likes of angels,” the Djinn says, his voice muddy.

Angels?

“You’re doing this job for me, aren’t you? I need him asleep so he distracts Castiel. Raphael just needs one moment to win this battle, if Castiel is down here he won’t be able to control his ranks. His terrible ally Balthazar is of no use to keep people in line.”

The Djinn scoffs. “I don’t care why you’re doing this, I just want to make sure you hold your end of the bargain.”

“Of course, Zepar, you will not be touched after heaven on earth is created. We will let you live in peace.”

Angels, they’re no good dirty liars.

Dean wishes he could fight back, tell them that he doesn’t need Castiel to save him. But that would just cause the poison to be more potently given to him. Dean didn’t want to risk dying, because if he died that would be the biggest slap to the face for Sammy ever.

“Hmm, well, I’ll keep the Winchester trapped here. Is there a risk of me dying by the hands of this Castiel?”

"No, the second he loses his focus we will be able to capture him. You’re perfectly safe here. Just keep Dean alive until after I give you the okay to suck him dry. Okay? I don’t want Castiel to completely lose it with the loss of his… human.” The Angel says that in disgust and Dean fights the urge to roll his eyes.

What an asshole.

Okay, so Dean needs to find a way out of this shithole. But first, he has to convince his dream Sammy to go fight with him. That’ll be easy.

 

Dean wakes up with a start and groans. He still feels weirdly disconnected and his brain wants to forget everything he just saw and heard. But he clings to it.

“Thank god, I thought you were going to be out of it forever.”

Dean rolls his eyes and sits up, looking at Sammy. He still can’t believe that he’s staring at his brother, taking it all in. He wishes that he could just stay here but he hopes Sam understands.

“So, you’re telling me that I didn’t win the fight with Lucifer and Cas didn’t pull me out of the pit?” Sam asks, his voice said. “That I’m still being tortured in the cage?”

Dean looks down and sighs. “Sammy, you made me promise not to find you…”

“Yeah, and I want you to keep that promise, Dean. That includes staying alive, so any idea where to find that Djinn? So, you can go back to Lisa and Ben and live your normal life?” Sam says and sits back on the chair he had pulled up beside Dean’s bed.

Dean, even though he knew that this Sam wasn’t technically real, didn’t want to break it to him that he had left Lisa and Ben.

“Why are you even hunting a Djinn anyway? I made you promise to leave this life behind. You never listen to me Dean, Christ.”

Dean snorts. “Oh, you knew as well as I did that I wouldn’t be able to keep that promise. Fuckers are always trying to find me and kill everyone I’m close to.”

Sam rolls his eyes and stands up, tucking his hair behind his ears. “Okay, so any idea where this monster lives or are we just going to look around blind?” He asks, looking over at Dean before grabbing his computer and opening it up.

“I… saw a window…” Dean closes his eyes and tries to concentrate.

“That really narrows it down Dean, thanks so much.”

“Shut up Sammy, I’m thinking,” Dean says and gives him a look. “You try having Djinn poison in your brain while trying to remember little details that make no sense,” he mutters and tries to picture the window again.

“There’s a sign...”

“What kind of sign Dean? Street sign? Stop sign? Do not park sign?”

Dean reaches out and flicks Sam on the nose opening his eyes. “Sam, I am this close to taping your mouth shut. Have some damn patience,” he responds, ignoring the glare he gets in return. “Big mouth,” he adds and goes back to trying to picture the sign.

“I think it’s a kid crossing sign, you know, like the ones that tell you there are kids playing nearby. That’s all I’ve got…”

Sam scoffs. “Wow that really narrows it down Dean, so we have to look for kids at play sign? Fantastic.”

“There’s like two thousand people that live in New Palestine Sammy, stop being so damn dramatic,” Dean says and stands up, looking around the room. “Fuck I wish I could stay here,” he whispers.

“You’re not staying here, I’m not real and you’re going back to the normal world. I will eventually get out of the pit.”

“You’re lying.”

“I did it, here didn’t I?”

Dean gives him another glare.

Sam laughs and stands up grabbing his flannel and putting it on. “Okay, so we need to drive around New Palestine looking like creeps trying to find a beat-up old house that is by a kid’s playing sign. Shouldn’t be that hard. Maybe Castiel can zap in and help us at any moment.”

“I would rather Castiel kept is feathery butt up in heaven. I don’t need him fucking everything up for me.” Dean mutters and grabs his keys.

With one last look at the motel room, Dean closes the door. Ignoring the feeling of sadness that envelopes him as they leave to save Dean from the Djinn.

 

 

Chapter Text

Dean gets into the Impala and closes the door, the sign of the Butcher Shop clear as day behind him. “Good old lamb’s blood,” Dean says and smirks, pushing it into Sam’s face.

“Ew, gross Dean,” Sam says and pushes his hands away. “I can see it from here you don’t need to put it so close that I can smell it,” he mutters and slouches in his seat.

Dean chuckles and shifts the Impala into gear, he keeps feeling that emptiness that he feels in his real life. He misses teasing his brother and hunting with him. Sam was really the only person who understood him. He understood how much their father had fucked Dean up or the undying devotion Dean had to family. He understood why Dean was so hell-bent on protecting him and how he feels that he failed with the real Sam in the pit.

“Sam, I failed you,” Dean whispers when they drive around the small town, trying to find a beat-up house to start at. So far, all of them were in pristine condition.

Sam gives him a look and frowns. “Dean, you’re blaming yourself for me in the pit?”

Dean nods and pulls over. “I was supposed to protect you. That’s my job. I’m the big brother,” he whispers and grips the steering wheel, staring out the windshield.

“No, that’s some fucked up task Dad gave you Dean. It’s not your job to control my decisions. I decided to take on Lucifer and lock him in the cage, it’s not your job to keep me from going on a suicide mission. It’s like me saying it was my job to keep those stupid hellhounds from tearing your heart out and you ever making that stupid deal to save me. God, you always have a suicide mission to protect me, and I’m okay. Dean. I made my own decision to kill myself in saving the world, so stop blaming yourself.”

Dean shakes his head. “I’m so alone out there Sam, I don’t know who I am without you there,” he whispers and stares down at his lap. “I don’t talk to Bobby, and Cas is doing fuck knows what. I mean… it doesn’t help that I told him I had to be Lisa,” he mutters.

Sam raises his eyebrows. “Oh, for crying out loud Dean! Are you trying to still keep that promise? If you want to be with Cas don’t let me stop you.”

“The real you have no idea that Cas and I were ever a thing Sam. As much as you’d like to tell me here that it doesn’t matter, it does,” he mutters and still refuses to look at his dream Sam.

“I may have been choking down demon blood Dean, but I wasn’t blind. I could see that you were head over heels for that angel the second you laid eyes on him. If you ever got the chance to be with him I would have said go for it. Who am I to judge? I was shacking up with a demon!”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Okay, whatever, I’m sick of talking about this. What did I once say to you? No chick flick moments? Yeah, I’m done with this soap opera, and I think I found our house.” He says and gets out of the car, going to the back of the Impala and popping open the trunk to pull out a silver blade. “Can you bring me the Lamb’s blood so we can get this show on the road?”

“I always forget how emotionally stunted you are,” Sam mutters and walks over.

“Ha, very funny,” Dean says and grabs the blood from Sam giving him a look. “Sorry not all of us went to college and sat around a circle telling people our feelings. Jerk.”

“That’s not what we did, we sat around crying about assignments and due dates,” he says and flicks Dean upside the head. “Asshole.”

“Takes one to know one,” Dean chuckles and closes the trunk, standing up and looking over at Sammy who was giving him one of his puppy dog stares.

“Do not Sammy, I swear if you make me feel guilty for deciding to not fuck around with an angel I’m gonna give you a shiner,” he says and raises an eyebrow at Sam when Sam makes a snorting noise. “You don’t think I could take you?”

“Nope, I don’t think you could,” Sam responds and laughs. “Okay, well Dean… I guess this is it until I see you topside huh?”

Dean nods and his smile fades. “Let’s go kill a Djinn.”

He walks up to the door and hears a deep voice shock through his ears. It short circuits his brain and makes him freeze. He knows that voice, it resonates right to his soul. His soul recognizes it as the one that saved him from the pit. He knows it’s Cas.

“Fuck,” he growls, and looks at Sam. “I think Cas realized I’m in danger and is gonna fuck up everything and I’m gonna have to save him. So, let’s go.”

Dean, stupidly he admits, runs into the house, the knife gripped in his fist and he expects Sam to follow behind him. However, he realizes he’s no longer bursting through the door, guns a blazing. Instead, he feels tied up, an IV in his arm and his heart sits in his throat.

Son of a bitch.

He opens his eyes that feel like they’re glued shut and looks around the room, struggling against his bonds. He’s so weak he’s not sure he can get out from the ties. But damned if he doesn’t try his hardest. He can feel them tearing at his skin with how much he’s struggling.

You’re a fucking Winchester Dean, he thinks to himself. If you can’t fight against some stupid rope you’d be long dead.

“Ugh for fucks’ sake,” Dean mutters pulling harder, trying to get the IV out of his arm so that the Djinn can’t drip poison in his veins when he’s not nearby.

His breath stutters and looks around the room. He can’t see the Djinn anywhere, which concerns him. “Cas, I swear to god don’t come to find me,” he mutters and pulls harder on the rope, it starting to loosen around his wrists. He knows that if he’s not careful with his pulling he might break his wrists. It wouldn’t be the first time, but he doesn’t know if he’ll be very good in a fight with a broken bone.

They’re rubbed raw and Dean knows the second he’s free from the bonds that he’s not going to be able to stand with how much Djinn funky juice is running through his veins and the amount of blood he’s lost while the fucker fed on him.

He wished he knew where the asshole was so that he could figure out how much time he had before the Djinn came into the room exactly. But he’s stuck trying his hardest to get down.

With a sickening crack, that Dean ignores he manages to get the bonds loose enough to drop him.

Dean grits his teeth and falls down to the ground, cradling his wrist to his chest. “Oh fuck,” he groans, knowing he’s broken it. He can hear Sammy in the back of his head. You know that if you pull too hard on bonds while you’re hanging there you risk putting too much pressure on your bones Dean. Jesus.

“I know Sammy,” he mutters and looks around the room trying to catch his bearings. He knows that he should be in agonizing pain right now but the Djinn juice is good for being an excellent pain killer. He grits his teeth as he uses his busted hand to pull out the IV because each second he has it in his arm he faces the chances of falling unconscious again.

He thinks about how the fuck he’s going to kill a Djinn without a silver knife and lamb’s blood.

“Ugh,” he groans, forcing himself to slowly stand up, his head spinning. He focuses on not falling over because he can’t catch himself on his wrist or he risks snapping it in half.

“They weren’t kidding about you, Winchester,” he hears a deep, very not human voice, speaking behind him. “Not many people could survive the amount of poison I put in their bodies but here you are, standing. Impressive. It’s a shame that I have to kill you.”

Dean growls, turning around, staring the blue creature in the face.

Dean always had been stupidly confident. He treats monsters like dogs. He’s the alpha and the monster is going to fear him whether Dean is injured or not. Yeah, it’s fucking stupid, but his father had taught him that the ugly fuckers can smell his fear and if he’s not scared they won’t be as able to hurt him.

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t throw all your chips in yet,” he says, fighting the waves of nausea that are overtaking him as he forces himself to stand. The pain in his wrist becoming more prevalent the longer he looks at the Djinn. “Especially if you kill me, because the Zepar,” he spits the name out, “Whatever angel you made a deal with is gonna be fifty shades of pissed off. Then you’ll be dead before you can even blink.”

Dean steps back as the Djinn makes an advantage on him. He’s frantically examining his surroundings for any kind of sharp object that he could use – if not to kill him ­at least incapacitate him long enough so Dean could get away

“I don’t chat with my dinners Dean Winchester, I’m sick of this game. I am not a slave and do not play cat and mouse with the likes of Angels. Do you think I’m daft? That I don’t know they’ll kill me the second they get a chance?”

Dean rolls his eyes and takes a shaking breath, knowing that he’s gonna have to use his fists to even get close to the genie. His heart beating heavily in his chest at the pain he’s going to feel in his wrist when he attacks. Dean’s dealt with a lot of pain in his life, but he hasn’t broken a bone in a while and that means he’s not going to be used to those electric shocks it sends through his body.

“Is this like the supervillain tells the superhero their plans speech? Because believe me, I’ve heard enough of those in my time and I just don’t have the energy for it. So instead of talking all big Zepar why don’t you show me just how you’ll kill me?” he says, goading the Djinn on.

Zepar growls and charges at Dean, Dean quickly throws a punch, ignoring how much it hurt to make contact. He smirks slightly when Zepar stumbles back, clearly not prepared for Dean’s strength. It feels good, like riding a bike, despite the absolute agony he is in.

Dean is focused on not letting Zepar touch him because the second he does the fight’s over and Dean is as good as dead.

“You imbecile,” the Djinn growls, trying to grab Dean, but Dean, although drugged with genie juice, is too fast and gets out of his reach. Dean is focused on grabbing something to smash the fucker’s brain in, but with the Djinn charging him he doesn’t have much time.

It feels like hours, a constant game of cat and mouse. They’re dancing in tandem, each of them trying to get a leg up on the other as they throw punches and try to grab each other. Dean grabs the closest object which turns out to be a broom handle and hits the Djinn as hard over the head as hard as he can. But with each passing second his wrist wants to give out.

Zepar is angry, increasingly so. Dean knows that he’s running out of time.

Dean grabs the handle and aims it, hoping to drive it into the Djinn’s eye. It’s gruesome but it’s as good as any way to kill the blue ugly.

“Ah!” Dean shouts, shoving it as hard as he can, Zepar falling to the ground as Dean presses harder. It’s gross, blood spitting everywhere, and just as Dean thinks he’s won, Zepar grabs his leg.

Zepar growls and Dean’s knees buckle, the poison pulsing with each of his heartbeats and making his head go fuzzy. Dean feels his mouth go dry and his heart starts to beat erratically.

He is not going out like this.

Grunting, he pushes harder, the broomstick giving to a horrifying gushing sound and then a sickening snap and crack.

Dean presses his lips together as monster goo flies into his face and feels the Djinn let go of his leg. He looks down and takes a shaky breath stepping back, his arms shaking with the effort he had put in to shove the stick through his brain.

He wishes Sammy was here because Sammy always knew how to pull Dean out of moments like these. Dean was by far the most violent out the two of them. He did whatever it took to kill an ugly fucker, and he was so pulled in by it that it would give him the shakes after it was done. Sam, he fought just as hard as Dean did, but he could easily detach himself from the fight. He didn’t take all his anger out on the monsters they were fighting.

Dean takes a few steps back and collapses on the ground, the poison swimming in his brain, obscuring his vision. He could see the Djinn’s legs and that was it, he was fading in and out of consciousness. His body hurt, he was covered in bruises, and his wrist looked like a wrapped sausage it was so swollen. The edges of his vision were going black and he fought to stay awake.

What a joke. Dean beats the monster but is going to die because he wasn’t careful enough. He can hear Sam yelling at him right now.

“Wonder if heaven will even accept me,” he mutters into space. “Probably will be in hell,” he groans and his head falls back.

Before Dean goes unconscious he is enraptured by the colour blue. Not the ugly blue of the Djinn that is glowing, instead it’s deep blue, blue like the ocean. It’s beautiful and Dean clings to that as his eyes slip shut.


 

Castiel carefully picks Dean up, stepping over the dead body of the Djinn, walking through the house. He gives a look down at the burned angel wings on the ground and the empty vessel that had once held one of his brothers.

He knows that he should feel the pain that he lost another one to the war, but his only focus is to get Dean somewhere safe. The rest doesn’t matter at the moment.

Castiel knows he’s in danger with how he feels about Dean but he can’t fight it. It was like some sick joke that his father had placed on him. As if the end of the world was never supposed to happen, instead, Cas, an angel who never felt anything remotely close to romantic and sexual attraction falls for the true vessel of Micheal. The righteous man.

Cas would close the gates of Heaven if he could for Dean. But for now, he can only heal him and hope that when Dean wakes up he doesn’t tell him he needs to be with Lisa.

Chapter Text

Dean rubs his eyes and sits up, startled. He looks around him, trying to gather if he is alive, in the dream world, or for some fucked up reason Heaven.

“I was worried by your sleep for a minute Dean, I thought I maybe wasn’t able to heal your brain from the lethal dose of Djinn poison,” a deep voice says from the corner of the room and Dean turns, his eyebrows shooting up.

“I apparently have a penchant for waking up in really weird scenarios, huh Cas?” Dean says and takes a deep breath. “You should probably get back up to Heaven, I hear the goal was to distract you with me.”

“Don’t worry about that, Balthazar has it covered. They believe he’s not a good warrior but I am happy to have him fight by my side.”

Cas gets up and walks over to him, crouching down in front of him. “Are you alright? You had taken a heavy hit of the poison, I was worried I was too late.”

Dean stretches. “I’m fine,” he lies. He’s not in pain. Castiel’s healing abilities made sure of that, but he does feel hollow because in this world Sam was still in the pit. It opens wounds that he thought had been more or less forgotten about except for late at night when he realized he was truly alone. But now, each second, he feels the absence of Sam it feels almost like the day he had stepped on Lisa’s doorstep.

Cas frowns, and gets up, sitting beside Dean on the bed. “You seem distressed.”

Dean looks away and bites his lip. He doesn’t want to tell Castiel how he’s truly feeling because he really isn’t in the right headspace to open a wound that he thought was slowly beginning to heal. The feeling of Sam’s absence is still holding him to the bed, keeping him from looking at Castiel.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about it,” he whispers and leans back taking a deep breath and putting his hands in his laps. He feels the urge to fidget but he doesn’t want to give away any more clues of his pain.

“Alright,” Castiel says and sits back down.

That irks Dean, he doesn’t understand why it bothers him but it does. Why isn’t Cas leaving? He should have left to let Dean wallow in his own self-pity, to think about his dead brother and focus on his sadness. He doesn’t want Castiel to see him so distraught.

Dean sighs and rubs his temples. “Well I’m safe so why are you still here?” He asks, looking over at Castiel with a look of confusion on his face.

Cas gives him a look. “If that’s what you want Dean, then I’ll go,” he says and stands up. Dean fights the sudden anxiousness he feels, not wanting to be alone. At the same time, he knows that he shouldn’t want Castiel to stay.

He’s reminded of Sams words in his hallucination. How he shouldn’t be hung up on that promise. What a stupid promise to try and keep. It’s only resulted in heartache and stupid decisions. Which, although, was Dean’s usual MO, didn’t mean he should keep doing things like that to himself.

He looks back at Cas and takes a deep breath, slowly getting out of the bed. He’s a little shaky on his feet since he had been off them for so long.

He walks over to Castiel, who hasn’t moved since he’s said he would leave.

Unsure of his plan he rests his hand on Castiel’s neck. They make eye contact and Dean raises his eyebrows at the hitch in Castiel’s breath.

“Angels need to breathe?”

Cas shrugs and his cheeks redden. “It just feels natural in my vessel,” he whispers, licking his lips.

Dean nods. “I like the responses.” He furrows his brows. “Is your physical response to me... is that just your vessel?”

Cas frowns. “No,” he says quietly, resting his hands on Dean’s hips. Dean ignores the way that Castiel’s hold sends a thrill down his spine. “My vessel, of course, is the only reason I can be with you so intimately since my true grace couldn’t touch you without burning your body.

"But... all my reactions are my own. I have full control over my vessel and feel everything it feels... well what I choose to feel from it. And believe me Dean, my want,” he whispers, gripping Dean’s hips and pulling him closer, “My need are all from me and has nothing to do with this vessel.” He whispers, his breathing coming out in short little gasps.

“Why do I always have to kiss you fir-“ Dean starts and Cas closes the space between them, pressing his lips to Dean in a soft kiss. Despite the softness of it, Dean feels his body go on fire and there’s no way that the kiss can feel as good as it does without Dean burning to a crisp. Maybe Cas was wrong, maybe Castiel’s grace would burn him up.

Dean moans when Castiel backs them up to the bed, his legs hitting the back of it and him falling down. Cas quickly moved on top of him, and Dean reaches up, resting his hand on the nape of Castiel’s neck, running his hand through the hair at the base of his skull as they began to kiss with full force. It was gentle, not the fevered rush of their previous encounters.

Dean leans his head back, tilting it against the pillows as Cas begins to kiss down his throat. Their languid kisses, with lots of tongue and teeth, Dean is sure that’ll it leave marks. “Fuck Cas,” he groans, gripping Cas’ ass and massaging the flesh.

“Dean,” he whispers rolls his hips down on Dean’s in a specific hard thrust.

Dean groans and pulls Cas into another kiss, feeling Cas reach above him to rest his hand on the headboard as they began to roll together in a delicious rhythm. Their kisses deep and long, the room filling with soft sighs and deep groans.

Cas pulls back and presses their foreheads together and Dean meets his gaze. Their breaths coming out in pants, both of them hard and wanting.

“Let me take care you,” Cas breathes, learning in and nipping at Dean’s ear.

Dean nods and bites his lip. “Of course,” he whispers, feeling another wave of heat wash over him at the touch of Castiel’s hands, sliding up his shirt. Dean leans up and pulls his shirt over his head, laying back down on the mattress and his eyes falling shut as Castiel takes the opportunity to explore the expanse of Dean’s skin.

“Oh,” Dean groans as Castiel takes one of his nipples in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it. It blows Dean’s mind that Cas and he had only had sex a few times but Castiel had learned so quickly what really got Dean going hot.

It’s slow, Castiel takes his time exploring Dean’s torso. First, he sucks on each of Dean’s nipples, teasing them with his tongue and teeth. He pulls off after Dean starts to pant, licking a stripe between his pecs, making sure Dean is watching him as he licks down his chest. It’s one of the hottest things Dean has seen.

Then Cas goes lower, kissing along Dean’s abdomen, dragging his teeth over the soft flesh of his stomach, causing Dean to let out a gasp. Dean is so aroused he can feel his cock leaking precum like he was still a teenager. He’s straining hard against his jeans and he swears he can feel the zipper poking his shaft.

“I didn’t know taking care of me was teasing me half to death,” Dean pants, propping himself up on his elbows and looking down at Cas. He almost loses it at the smirk Cas gives him, the angel’s own blue eyes blown with lust.

Cas chuckles and nips at Dean’s hip bone, slowly undoing his button and zipping down his jeans. Dean groans at the feeling of his member being let free of the constraints of his jeans and help Cas take them off.

“I very much enjoy teasing you Dean,” Cas murmurs and Dean groans out how much deeper the angel’s voice is. Cas sounds absolutely wrecked and Dean can imagine that Cas is just as hard as he is. “I haven’t had much time to explore your body, and I plan on taking my time.”

“You put my body back together you jackass,” Dean mutters but falls back against the pillows as Cas leaves soft bite marks into his thighs.

Dean is enjoying the teasing, although he wishes Cas would just suck him off again. But it feels different… strange to be revered by someone so much. Castiel is worshiping his body with his mouth and hands, leaving Dean breathless and wanting.

Dean lets out a gasp when Cas abruptly pulls off his boxers, his cock standing up against his stomach, leaking pre-cum. The cold air is a shock and Dean barely has time to catch his breath before Castiel lifts his legs and begins to rim him.

“Cas– I­­– shit– fuck!” Dean doesn’t know what he was going to say, but all he can do is grip the bedsheets on either side of him. The feeling of Cas’ tongue teasing his perineum and then his taint causing all sense of thought to leave his brain. Instead, he’s a moaning mess, his eyes rolling back at the sheer pleasure of Cas doing something that in Dean’s own mind is so sinful but so fucking hot.

Dean reaches down and begins to touch himself, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as Cas continues doing sinful things with his tongue. Dean is getting closer with each passing second, and he begins to twist on every upstroke of his hand, unintentionally rocking back and meeting Cas’ mouth.

“Cas– fuck I’m gonna,” he whines as Cas pulls away, quickly grabbing the head of his cock and gripping it.

“Not yet,” Cas whispers and looks at Dean. Dean is panting, whining at the loss of his oncoming orgasm. “Breathe through it Dean, I want to finish you in my mouth,” Cas whispers and that makes Dean groan, his head eyes opening to meet Castiel’s stare.

“Okay,” Dean whispers and licks his lips. He’s still breathing hard, but he’s back from the edge but if Castiel didn’t do something soon Dean is sure that he’s going to lose it.

“Good,” Cas says and bends down, slowly licking a stripe up Dean’s cock, taking his time with it. He first teases the head, putting the tip in his mouth and sucking on it hard and fast, before pulling off and swirling his tongue around it, then running his tongue from the tip down to the base. He does that pattern a few more times before Dean begins moaning in earnest.

“Cas just fucking suck me off already,” He groans, and looks at Castiel, making eye contact with him. Cas grins and sits up, putting his fingers out in front of Dean’s face.

“Suck on them, get them nice and wet for me,” he whispers. Dean groans, because it’s his weakness to be told what to do in bed and be manhandled, and he eagerly takes Castiel’s fingers in his mouth, hollowing out his cheeks and bobbing his head. He doesn’t take his eyes off Cas’ while he does it and moans around the digits as he watches Castiel’s composure break with each pass of his tongue.

“That’s good Dean,” Cas whispers and pulls his fingers out of Dean’s mouth. Dean expects Cas to put them inside him, but what he doesn’t expect is Cas deepthroating his cock to the point where Dean bottoms out as Cas shoves the first two digits inside of him.

The rough burn of Castiel’s fingers and the mindblowing heat of Castiel’s mouth causes a litany of curses to pass through Dean’s lips. Dean reaches down and grips Castiel’s hair, and groans at the moan it pulls of Castiel’s throat as he begins to bob up and down Dean’s cock, taking his all the way down with each pass.

Dean knows he’s not going to last long when Cas adds a third finger and begins to rub against his prostate. He grips Castiel’s hair tighter and lets out a deep groan, his vision whiting out as he comes down Castiel’s throat.

Dean has had a lot of great orgasms in his life, but this one, it shakes him to his very core and it takes him a few moments to open his eyes and catch his breath. Long enough for Castiel to swallow, and clean up Dean.

Dean opens his eyes as Cas lays down beside him. “Jesus Cas,” he whispers and pulls him into a deep kiss, this one slow as Dean feels exhaustion begin to creep into his senses as he comes down from his orgasm.

Castiel laughs softly and runs his fingers through Dean’s hair pulling back from the kiss. “I don’t think my technical brother has anything to do with what you just experienced,” he says and kisses the tip of his nose. “That was all me.”

Dean nods, and bites his lip, feeling Castiel’s erection pressing against his thigh. He looks down and unzips Castiel’s pants, shifting them and his boxers down. Cas lets him, and they make eye contact as Dean licks his palm, reaching between them and begins to stroke the angel’s hard member.

“So beautiful Dean,” Cas groans, pressing their foreheads together, his hips thrusting into Dean’s hand, meeting every stroke.

Dean feels guilty, because he doesn’t have the energy to give Castiel an earth-shattering blowjob, but he leans in, kissing down the angel’s throat as he twists his wrist teasing the head of his cock.

Castiel comes with a soft groan and Dean wipes his hand on the sheets before letting Cas pull him close.

Dean takes a deep breath and stares at the wall. He feels… fulfilled. Like this was always supposed to happen and he can’t bring himself to ruin the moment. Despite all of Dean’s self-hating and self-sabotaging tendencies, he lets himself live in the feeling. He bathes in it. He doesn’t want this moment to end. The feeling of Cas’ arms around him, both of them exhausted after fantastic sex, and the worry of saving the world on the backburner of Dean’s mind makes him content. It makes him feel comfortable and open.

He hasn’t felt this way, ever. He never even felt that way with Lisa. There was no one on this earth who understood Dean the way Cas did. Not even Sammy knew the deep, dark secrets that Dean kept from him. But Castiel had seen his soul, bared out in front of him. Every broken part of him Castiel understood, had seen, had touched.

Dean is in a complete daze, so he lets his guard down. He hardly ever does that. He never once did it with Lisa, and only let it down a couple of times with Sammy. He is always on edge, always afraid to say the wrong thing. Do the wrong thing. Because in Dean’s world, saying the wrong thing gets you killed.

But instead of letting that kind of fear overtake him, Dean closes his eyes and nuzzles closer into Castiel’s embrace.

“I love you,” he whispers, letting the words slip out. He doesn’t let himself worry about the fear that is trying to claw itself up his throat at the statement. He doesn’t even worry about the reaction from Castiel.

“I’ve tried to pretend I don’t but fuck Cas. I love you, and it scares me. But I love you,” he breathes, opening his eyes and turning in Castiel's embrace to face the angel. He meets Castiel's gaze and doesn’t see any sign of rejection in them. Instead, he sees the angel’s face light up in a smile.

“I love you, too Dean,” he whispers and kisses his forehead.

Relieved, Dean falls asleep in Castiel’s arms.