You were finally starting to get used to your new life, your new school, and overall your new self.
You were admitted late into Hogwarts due to the constant repairs being done because of the war, a lot of kids were new, but you were the last admitted for the time being.
Too anxious to make friends, you usually kept to yourself but sometimes Hermione would come up to you and chat. Making sure you’re doing well, if you were every free to hang out on the weekends, and to discuss homework for the classes you shared. It was nice to have at least one friend, at least you assumed she was. You’d never ask her directly like that.
Distractions came easily, updates about the school, classes, and somehow Harry Potter always made their way to your ears.
You didn’t just admire him for saving the day, like most people did. Mostly for the little things; the small glances at you in the library, explaining your schedule to you when Hermione wasn’t around to help, the way he was constantly helping others out, it was all just so admirable. You wouldn’t call each other friends, but you wish you could. Acquaintances would do for now.
Your eyes always seemed to trail off to his friend too, Draco Malfoy. From what Hermione’s told you they used to hate each other- surprising seeing how close they usually are to each other, seemingly best mates. His aura attracted your attention. He once talked to you to correct Harry when asking about which direction your classroom would be, and he was indeed correct, but there was more than just a sense of good direction.
It felt as if all his secrets were out but there was still so much more about him but you just couldn’t figure him out. Leaving things to be solved later seemed to be a common theme with your personality.
You noticed your feelings for the two growing, not wanting to attract unnecessary attention you kept it to yourself, not even telling Hermione, who you were beginning to get close to.
You sat alone during meals- during most things actually. More people meant more people and more talking and it was all too much. Too much to handle and too much pressure to socialize and be like someone you could absolutely never pull off.
Thinking always got you somewhere and this time you might’ve just been insane pulling a stunt like this. An anonymous note would be a good idea to tell them, direct them to meet you in the astronomy tower because there was something important to be said.
And so you wrote it, definitely not in your write mind and the thoughts of them increasing in your mind everyday not making it any better.
“Dear Draco and Harry,
Please meet me in the Astronomy tower at 10 o’clock tonight. I have something to tell the both of you.”
You didn’t dare put your name and ended up somehow slipping it into Harry’s robe pocket. All you had to do was wait.
The day passed on and soon came to the point of no return; you stood at the top of the astronomy tower, pacing with your back to the entrance and head turned down. Footsteps and light chatter made their way up to the door, you gripped your hands together your knuckles turned white, stomach turning with anxiety and fear.
What if they don’t listen to me?
What if they just leave?
Call me disgusting?
Your intruding thoughts were cut short by a very familiar voice.
“Y/N? You’re the one that gave us the note?” Harry said in a surprised yet calm voice.
You turned around and turned your head up to them. “Uhm.. yea, I just…” you were hesitating. This was no time to hesitate.
You idiot! Say something! Idiot, worthless, you fucking d-
Thoughts cut off again, you spoke. “This has b-been bothering me for a while now, and I can’t keep it to myself anymore…” stopping again, trying to collect your thoughts because what could you possibly say? Just spit it out.
“I like you, both of you, I just…I-I didn’t know how to say- you don’t have to accept I know we’ve never t-talked or-” you took a deep breath, your nails dug into your palms, if you were drawing blood you didn’t know it, all you felt was numb.
“Y/N…don’t you know?” Draco spoke for the first time that night. You’ve never heard his voice so soft, pitiful even. Amazing.
Your voice was no longer confident, if you could’ve called it that in the first place.
“W-What do you mean?…” You prepared for the worst, you were prepared something like this would happen, but the suspense was tearing you apart. Stomach tight and twisting, hands shaking slightly, throat straining.
“We’re…together…Draco and I. No one ever told you?” Harry spoke, reaching out to hold your arm- you flinched away.
You had not prepared for this.
“Oh” you said breathlessly, eyes training to the floor. “I-uh..I’m gonna go- I’m so sorry for t-this please just forget it ever happened, I’m sorry-” you pushed past them and sprinted out of the tower and into your common room. You could hear them shouting back at you but your brained droned it out.
No one wants you.
It was so obvious how could you not see it.
Even if they weren’t, they still wouldn’t want you.
No one would ever want you.
Hermione doesn’t even want to talk to you.
By the time you got to your room, you flung yourself on your bed and under your sheets, heart slamming and breaking in your chest, silent sobs making your whole body heave and shake. You got no sleep. How could you.
In the morning you skipped breakfast, attended all the classes you didn’t have with Draco or Harry, skipped lunch, ignored both of their paths, and skipped dinner.
No one questioned. Of course they didn’t, no one cared. You bet Hermione didn’t even care. You were sure Harry had told her and Ron while Draco told Pansy and Blaise.
It continued like that, though it was becoming more difficult to doge them as well as their friends. You could feel their eyes burning into the back of your head during class and heard how fast they would get out of their chairs at the end of it. But you were faster. Always faster.
You’d go to a meal occasionally just to smuggle snacks for later. You knew your face and frame were getting thinner, you were getting weaker, and even quieter- who knew it was even possible.
Never had you thought that rejection would hit you this hard, but you felt so useless. No one cared anymore, why should you. Bad decisions were your thing right? Why not do another one.
Making your way to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, you knew she wouldn’t be back there until early in the morning. You could take your time.
Opening the door quietly and shutting it the same, you made your way into one of the stalls, sitting on one of the toilets and digging your left hand into your pocket.
Serenity or calmness were not the exact words to describe your emotions at the moment but you were definitely not nervous. You pulled the blade out of your pocket, twirling it around in your fingers before positioning it over your right wrist, making one stripe across.
You stared intently as the blood bubbled up from the cut. Continuing, you did it until they were lined up all down your forearm. It was dripping into the water that was still flooding the floor, switching the blade from left to right you did the same, sloppier since everything in your eyes seemed to be merging together; swimming almost.
You slipped forward, from the toilet onto the floor, head hitting the hard, cracked tile. Arms spread out at odd angles and blood seeping faster and faster out of the cuts. The blade had slid out of your hands and by the door.
The white noise of the room was peaceful, echoing as well. You smiled and let tears slide and cloud your already distorted vision. You could feel whatever was left of your soul sliding out of you.
Movement came from the door, but honestly you didn’t have a care left to give. Brown curly hair bounded towards you as four boys and a girl stood in the doorway rushing in.
“Y/N! Why?! T-There’s so much bl-” the yelling voice of Hermione still sounded serene. You didn’t get a chance to see the panic ensue, hoping you’d be gone before they got a chance to get you to Madam Pomfrey.
White light blinded you as you began to open your eyes. Your attempted groan was replaced with a low rasp. The ache in your body was constant and your arms burned with an intensity that you couldn’t describe. Head pounding and insides churning.
You took a shaky deep breath and carefully opened your eyes.
Why were they all there?