Snow. The universe's beautiful distraction. White snowflakes danced across the sky, then eventually meeting their fate as they landed on the black pavement below. You watched as the empty street was slowly being overtaken by the breathtaking amount of snow. Street lights were lit as usual, but no humans as far as the eye can see, which is not that far considering the size of this storm. At least a foot of it by sunrise, you thought.
Your breath fogged up the frosted window pane, as you examine closely the now ghost town that was Saint Avenue. Jesus, I need a drink, you murmured as you rubbed your temples. You stood up, stretching a bit before approaching the kitchen. The flat was empty, which was not odd in acknowledging the fact that your flatmate was the "famous" Lucifer Morningstar. You never really entirely understood his job. Something with favours? You couldn’t recall but, you didn't bother to ask because frankly, you didn't care.
Despite popular belief, he was kind and gave you space, which was admired. And he never laid a finger on you. Just friends them and I, his voice echoed in your mind. Exactly, and maybe the fact that you were also gay helped. He was sometimes easy to talk too, and other times you wouldn't see him for days on end. An overall a gentleman, But you couldn’t help but to ponder, who the fuck names their kid Lucifer of all things.
Wandering toward the kitchen, you looked for the bottle of whiskey you have stashed away for a "rainy day." Opening every creaky cabinet, and every draw there was in the mayhem of a kitchen, there was no luck. You sighed with frustration as you took the second walkthrough, making sure you didn't leave any stone unturned. Turning back into the living room, you plopped yourself onto the black leather seat.
The freezing wind howled and pushed against the windows, begging for entrance. The glowing fire crackled with desperation, wanting more fuel, but you were preoccupied with your thoughts. It seemed as if you mind was stuck on a loop, that accident replaying. Your hands started to shiver with cold sweat and with immense amounts of anxiety. You couldn't help it, reliving it over and over. Don't think about it, don't think, don't think. The statement repeated in your mind. Well fuck, how can you not think about it, especially around this time of the year. All those years ago, yet it haunts you to this day. So, you just sat there staring into the void as your knees were kept close to your chest as you embraced them for comfort. Time seemed like a foreign concept to you, for this anxiety fueled moment seemed to last a lifetime.
"Anyone home?" Pulled back into your reality, you turn your head toward the entrance. It was Lu, slightly paler than usual and covered in snow.
"Fucking hell Lu, what happened? I thought you were staying at a “friend’s” house to wait out the storm.” You walked up to him taking his damp coat a throwing it into a bin for washing. Giving him the throw blanket from the loveseat, you sat him down on an old chair which was closer to the fire. He was freezing and his face was pale with blue accents.
"Oh I'm fine, my “friend’s” spouse arrived earlier than expected. Plus, I didn't want to leave my flatmate here alone on Christmas now would I?" He chuckled with a weak smirk. You shook your head as you sat back down into the leather seat, after giving him a cup of tea to warm him up.
"Lucifer, I'm not worth you risking your life in this storm. Maybe you could have stayed at Dr. Martain’s flat to wait. Or the more rational thought would be not to“shag and dash” as you love putting it, if you knew there was a massive storm coming.” You looked down at the fire, feeling guilty. You started to spiral into irrational thoughts. He must have noticed because he placed his hand on your knee. Your head shot up, making eye contact with him.
"It wasn't a big deal, and look I'm here aren't I? Perfectly fine with a friend and a nice cup of tea, that can definitely use some whisky." You gave him a half-assed smile. He took a sip of his tea. Your attention was taken back by the now raging fire. God how can you be so fucking stupid, he could have died out there. You don't deserve him, he deserves way better. What would he thin-
"Y/N, are you alright?" You seem more on edge than usual."
"Oh I'm fine, just a lot on my mind right now. Thats all." He paused for a second, looking at you. He knows you're lying. He was always good at detecting details like that.
"Y/N, are you sure you don't want to just talk?" He actually seemed concerned and sincere. He gazed into your eyes, trying to do that weird trick that he does. Tell him what you've done. Do it, fucking do i-
You snapped, "Lu, I'm not feeling that well. I think I'm going to turn in early." You stood up hastily and started toward your bedroom.
"Um, Y/N?" Lucifer called, you turned to face him. He stood from his chair and set the teacup onto the coffee table. "I'll be playing the violin if you would like to join me later." You nodded and went into your room. Walking through the hallway and into your room, you shut the door behind you. Sliding down to the stiff wooden floor, you had no tears, just pain. So much of it, you couldn't endure it. You got up and bolted into the bathroom.
There you stood for quite some time, hands gripping the sides of the ceramic sink, tight enough for your knuckles to turn white. Your mind was racing with thought, faster than you can process. You gazed into the person you have become, and you despised them. They deserved the pain and the suffering they receive. They shouldn't get to be happy and enjoy life after what they did. You shook your heading staring at the pale blue sink. Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about him. A flash of a memory appeared, catching you off guard. The blood, oh the blood. Shaking hands opened the cabinet, searching through the pills and other assorted items. Why did you take him? He was just a boy. "Fuck, where is it." You whispered to yourself. You deserved to die not him.
Then it fell into the sink. You stared at it, rusted with signs of the last time you had used it. Why do you get to live on and he doesn't? Suddenly, you heard Lu’s beautiful melody playing for the living room, stopping you in your tracks. For a moment, it brought you back to Earth. It would always calm your nerves. But, this time was different. The pain had built up too high and you needed a release.
Make your own music.
You took the instrument in hand. Hesitant at first, you played the first line of music. Pretty rough start, but you would get the hang of it. Line after line you played with vigor. No, anger. A song came to be over time, a song with a story of misery and failure. As you played, the scene recurred in your head over and over again.
Five years ago, you were driving down a road. Very drunk, you slides between lanes, music blasting from the speakers. You were having the time of your life, what's better then being alone and drunk on Christmas Eve. You lived in a small and quiet town, far from the busy city of London. As you were racing down the road, snow pouring from the heavens in immense amounts, you hit something. The car swerved slightly, and you let go of the wheel letting it take its course. Off the road, it rolled into the trees that guarded the road. Then, darkness. You awoke in a hospital, not far from you past flat. The doctors said you had a slight head injury, but nothing too major. Unlike the thing you hit, or rather who you hit. A boy, 7 years of age, Mason Walker. The family didn’t press charges, saying that “god” had this in his plans. Or some shit like that. You found that ridiculous, yet again you didn’t want to end up in prison like many relatives before you. After you were released from the hospital, you left for London never looking back. But, the guilt never left you.
After some time, you looked at the reflection again, this time with relief. Twelve lines of music later, you stopped. Lucifer had finished playing as well. Christ the mess... You let your instrument fall onto the floor, staring at your arm. Red like the sirens of that night. You staggered onto the frozen tiled floor. You laid in your mess, not caring anymore. The release of death is what you so desperately craved. Slowly, you felt the guilt seep out of your arm and onto the white tiles. Your vision got blurry, seeing black spots here and there. The room felt as if someone cut off the air supply, the walls closing in on you. This is it, finally, the justice Mason deserved. You haven’t felt this good in so long. You shut your eyes, waiting for death’s embrace.
"Y/N?" Lucifer called slightly muffled from your bedroom. A voice, pulling you from this pain induced high you were in. You thought you had imagined him. Not responding, you attempted to pull a towel to hide your arm, knowing he’d storm in any second. “Y/N, I know you’re upset about something just please, let me in.” He knocked lightly on the creaky wooden door. Then, the realization hit, you needed helped.
Having lost so much blood, you replied in a faint whisper, “Lu… help” Struggling to sit up, you pushed yourself against the wall, while also pressing the pearly white towel into the wounds.
“Y/N?” You can heard it, the panic in his voice, getting stronger by the second. The handle shook as Lucifer tried to get in. “Y/N? Open the damn door!” He knew something was wrong. You were so weak, just sat there helpless. Lucifer hit the door repeatedly, trying to bust it open. Loud crashing noises filled your head. With a couple more tries, the door swung open.
I made another chapter, and I wasn’t planning too. But here it is
“Y/N? Y/N, stay with me alright?”
Lu’s voice echoed into the abyss. Your eyes opened, but there was nothing to see. Darkness all around, like a blanket surrounding everything. Encasing with this pressure, it suffocated you. Was this life after death? Nothing but you floating alone with your thoughts? Regrets and mistakes all rushing back to you, things long forgotten and repressed. An overwhelming feeling of pain washed over you like a tidal wave. All your mistakes, times of weakness all there again. You couldn’t take it, there no relief of the pain, not this time. You just stood there, alone and utterly hopeless. Your heart raced with your thoughts, and yet you stood there helpless. Looking around you searched for answers but you incapable of moving. Your feet felt as if they were stuck in concrete. Darkness all around, as far as your eye could see.
Then, a image appeared in front of you, in the midst of the darkness, similar to a movie playing onto a projector.
It was Lucifer. But, not the charming and slightly of a dick Lucifer. He seemed, distraught. He was staring intently at something, in your bathroom. You heard no sound but he was speaking, Panicked, he knelt beside you, franticly putting pressure onto cuts you had placed on your arm. He seemed broken. You had never seen him like this. Lu, the only person you could have truly thought of as friend. Yet, the image faded, with Lucifer staring at.
There it was again, that feeling, guilt sinking your heart in your stomach. You couldn’t speak, but your thoughts were played aloud. You did this to him, a voice boomed. I’m so sorry, I couldn’t take the guilt. You felt as if the pain had consumed you. It was all you knew in that moment. You held yourself, the anxiety increasing with every second. Thoughts racing through your mind. Your hands started to slightly shake with fear. That moment repeating over and over again. The pain in his eyes, whilst he stared at you in that cold tile floor. How long have you been there, an hour? A week? Time seemed useless here, wherever “here” was. This was you reality now, stuck here for eternity. Your own personal hell.
I’m so sorry Lu…
A tear falling from your face, hitting the ground causing an echo the seemed to last forever. You fell to your knees trying to scream. You wanted release, to release some of the pain and torment you were feeling. The image again, presented itself in front of you. You tried closing your eyes, but the image had burned itself into your subconscious. You wanted to die, again. To get away from this place. Anywhere but here, please. But you knew, there was nowhere beyond here. Never to have a better life then the one you left behind, or someone to share it with. This was the end point, here was forever.
Suddenly, the room flashed with a bright light. A rush of adrenaline went through your chest. As if you were struck by lighting. What the hell? You glanced around, nothing or no one in sight.
“Hit them again.”
A distant voice ordered, not recognizing them. Another flash of light, stronger than the last. The feeling of electricity ran through every nerve in your body. The suffocating anxiety faded slowly, along with everything else in your sight. Relief is all you felt in that moment, and fear of not knowing where you were going next.
You opened your eyes. White fluorescent lighting stung your eyes for a brief moment. The steady sound of a heart monitor rang in your ears. An IV bag hung above you next to your bed, dripping morphine slowly into your veins. Hospital? How, you died, you must have. You turned to the seat next to bed. It was Lu. He had slight stains of blood at his hands. His white button up was definitely ruined, stained with much more blood than his hands. Sleeping, but he still looked worried in some way. His eyebrows were slightly furrowed, maybe he was dreaming? That feeling appeared again, gulit. He doesn’t deserve this, he should be living his life. Not he looking after you like a fucking babysitter. He should have left you to stay dead and you know it.
You went to reach for him, but hissed at the pain. Your left forearm, bandaged up. Blood slightly seeped through the white cloth. Guess you really fucked your self up this time. You thought to yourself. Not the first time, anyways not like this. The nurse will be checking up onto you soon. You leaned back into the pillows, closing your eyes and letting yourself drift back into sleep. You weren’t quite ready for human interaction just yet.
Time lapse a couple hours…
“You can’t just ask me to leave. They need me now more than ever. I can just leave them here.” You were awoken by Lucifer’s muffled voice outside. Who is he talking too?
“I’m sorry Mr. Morningstar, they are in bad physical condition, they need to stay here-“ The nurse maybe?
“NO,” Lucifer exclaimed, “Y/N needs me right now, and I’m not leaving them until you can release them into my custody.” He sounded frustrated, angry almost. Why is he staying?
“I’ll see what I can do, for now you can stay with them until I get back with answers.” You heard the supposed nurse walk away from him. Lucifer opened the door slowly, not trying to wake you. He sat down, next to you once again. Wanting to speak to him, you froze. Come on Y/N, you owe this to him. You’ve put him through so much shit. You shuffled yourself, to face him, not knowing what to expect. He looked up almost immediately, to see if you were awake.
“Y/N,” he whispered leaning in slightly, “ are you awake?” Slowly you opened your eyes. Lucifer sighed heavily, with relief. “Y/N, are you alright?” You nodded yes, not knowing what to say. “Do you… remember anything?” He spoke hesitantly, knowing the matter of the subject.
“All of it…” you whispered, looking away for a moment, with shame in your eyes. You couldn’t face him, now that he knows.. You shut your eyes tightly, wishing you could go back to that place. You wanted to disappear. Still avoiding eye contact with him, you asked,
“Why did you save me?” Leaning into his chair, you heard Lu scoff at the question. You turned back to him, wanting an answer.
“You think I’d just let you die?” He asked. You sat in silence looking at you arm.
“Yes.” You stated bluntly, looking back at him. He seemed disappointed in you. He looked down, not knowing what to say next. “You should have left me alone, I wanted to die Lu.” He scoffed in disbelief, but more sad than the last one. You felt guilty saying it, but it was true. After countless moments of silence later, he finally spoke up, still staring into his lap.
“Eons. Eons I’ve spent visiting Earth. When I decided to stay here, I could have moved anywhere with anyone. But, I met you everything changed. You’re different, and that makes you unique. But, I can’t think of one person as self destructive as you. And that's perfectly okay. We all have demons, for lack of a better word.” He paused, “Even me…”
Lucifer reached for your hand, holding it. You inhaled sharply at the pain that lingered still. He noticed and pulled back. “If anything were to happen to you, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.” You felt your lip quiver, how could be so fucking stupid. Composing yourself, you sat up trying not to show more weakness then you already have. He was wasting his time, he needs to find someone who will treat him right, and not try to kill themselves like you.
“I don’t deserve you Lu. I honestly don’t,” You paused “You shouldn’t waste your time with me. You should go live your life.” He smirked.
“Trust me Y/N, there is plenty of time for me. For now I rather spend my time with you.” After a moment in silence he stood up, adjusting his jacket. “Now, I’m going to talk the nurse, see what we can do about them releasing you. I’ll be right outside, if you need something call me.” He smiled at you and walked out the room shutting the door softly.
Ok I caved and threw in some fluff...
“I will never forget that day. I’ve never felt something like that, until it actually happened. I didn’t know what to do in that moment.” Dr. Martin adjusted her glasses, trying to hide that fact that she was uncomfortable. Giving the nature of this story, this would be right up her alley, but something about this turned her stomach. It wasn’t about her right now, it was about Lucifer. She inhaled sharply before asking the next question.
“Well, how did this make you feel, when you found Y/N in that bathroom.” Lucifer looked down with hesitation.
“Helpless,” he made eye contact with the doctor once again, “I felt fucking helpless.” He seem agitated over this, Dr. Martin instantly took notice of this. Knowing he was famous for his fiery temper, she took caution with her words.
“Lucifer,” she paused for a moment collecting her thoughts, trying to think of the best way of not setting him off, “I can tell you’re upset over this-“
“OF COURSE I’M UPSET. WHY WOULDN’T BE FUCKING UPSET?” He snapped. She jumped in her seat, her heart racing. She hated seeing him like this, but usually this means she was onto something. But he wasn’t having it. Lucifer was heading toward the door already. Dr. Martin stood from her chair.
“Lucifer please, this is what I’m here for. To help you process these feelings you’re having.”
He turned around staring into her soul. “You don’t understand, I’m the fucking devil, I’m not supposed to feel insecure or doubtful. After that happened, I couldn’t shake this feeling off. This feeling of failure. Failing to protect them.”
Dr. Martin nodded, “That's why I’m here. Please Lucifer don’t leave, just sit and talk to me. Okay?” Lucifer held his breath deciding on whether to stay or drink his problems away in some random pub. In the end he caved and sat back down. “Now, get it all out, and I’ll just listen.” Dr. Martin leaned into her chair, notepad at the ready. He wasn’t calm at all. Emotions, a dangerous game and one he never takes apart in. This time was different. Lucifer drew a sharp breath before proceeding.
“When I found them on the floor, I didn’t know what to do at all. I phoned the medics and when they took Y/N, I followed in my car. While driving I felt enraged yet heartbroken, I didn’t know what to do. I sensed it was my fault in a way. Just the idea of Y/N not being here with me, I couldn’t accept it. A reality where they aren’t around, is one I can’t be apart of.”
“Could you say… maybe you care for them? More than you think?”
“Of course I care for them Doctor, they are my friend. Nothing more.” He stopped, his face turning to a somber look. “It would never work anyways, even if I tired.”
“And why is that?”
“Because they’re gay Linda. Y/N said it themself. That's why I haven’t pursued anything with them. There are few things I respect on Earth, and sexuality is one of them. I would never pressure them into anything they wouldn’t be comfortable with.”
“You being apart of that community yourself correct?”
“Well of course, why have one flavor of ice cream when you can have all of them.” He smirked for a second “Look, the point is I care for Y/N too much to let that happen again. Just, how can I protect them.”
“Well it's very simple Lucifer,” he leaned in slightly being more attentive than ever, “Be there for them. Just be there for them, that's all.” Lucifer stared at Dr. Martin with disbelief.
“That can’t be it, I mean I was THERE when they, did it…”
“They were still alone. Depression can be very isolating, you can be in a room of people and still feel alone.” He had a moment of realization.
“I think I understand, I’m sorry Linda but I have to go,” he rushed to the door and before walking out he turn to her, “Thank you.”
Time lapse a couple hours
Sleep, you got more of it nowadays. After leaving the hospital and telling Lu everything, all you wanted to do was sleep. You were exhausted mentally, even waking up would take a lot out of you. You stayed in bed all day, while Lu was out doing what he does, but when he got home, he would direct all his attention to you. And you hated it. He should be out, living his life and being happy. But no he was here, taking care of you, making sure that you ate and taking the medicine the hospital gave you. Everyday you would tell him you were fine, but even then he acted like your shadow.
You woke up, in cold sweat from a dream. Well, more like a nightmare. About that place, the place of darkness. Remembering that place after death, all the torment you suffered which seemed to last lifetimes. All that grief, anguish and guilt. It would hit you in waves of emotional distress. Behind you, you heard a voice.
“Y/N, you alright?” It was Lu, sitting next to you. You sat up, looking at him. He was in his classic button down the top two undone and slacks and black socks. His hair was looking longer toward the top and slightly tousled. You prefered it longer anyways, it made his curls stand out more.
“Hi Lu,” you rubbed your eyes, still tired, “What time is it?” Time really became irrelevant to you, especially with this new sleep schedule of yours.
“About three o'clock.”
“In the afternoon?”
“No in the morning, you have been sleeping for quite long.” He smiled at you, looking tired himself.
“Why are you here, in my bed?” You weren’t really bothered at the fact that he was here with you, just curious.
“Well I was worried for you. You seemed scared and I heard crying. I let myself in to check up on you. And you seem fine now, so yes I know I should be going.” He started to get up from the bed when you stopped him.
“Yea, I was scared, I’ve been having this nightmare and it would be nice not to be alone for once.” He smiled as he sat next to you, closer than before with the occasional shoulder brush.
“Do you want to talk about it?” You shook your head no. You didn’t want to relive the terror that was that place.
“Lu, can I ask you something?” He turned and faced you.
“Anything.” Giving you the cheeky grin you knew and loved. Love… a word you used for Lucifer a lot. And was true, you did love him. You never felt this way for a man before, but, love was the word you used for him. You still couldn’t seem to understand this love you had for him. Maybe it was just admiration, which would make more sense because you only been with women before now. Or, maybe it was in fact romantic love you felt for him. But, of course he would never know of this fascination of yours. He didn’t feel the same for you, and knowing the people he has been with, why would he settle for you? After snapping out of this self loathing haze, you asked.
“Why do you stay here taking care of me? I mean it’s been three days and you haven’t partied like you used too. You just been here, why? You could be anywhere right now, but you’re here, with me…”
“I… care for you deeply. Truly, I do care for you, so much. I hope you know this. You can be going through anything, and I’ll still be here for you. And yes, I could in fact be anywhere in the city right now, but I much rather be here, with you.” He took your left hand and held it. “Just please, if you’re going through anything know that, I’m here, now and forever.” You looked the hands intertwined, and you met eyes with him. Both of you smiled. You could hear your own heartbeat in your head. He chuckled softly as you both sat there. You didn't want this moment to end. He made you feel warm whenever he was around. You broke the beautiful silence.
“Well if it’s worth anything, you mean alot to me too. You are the only friend I have had in awhile. I wouldn’t be here right now, and I can’t imagine a life without you honestly.” He smiled again, knowing now he was special to you. You yawned slightly, the medicine kicking in again. He must of noticed.
“Well, I feel I should let you sleep.”
“Lu… um, you could stay if you want. I just don’t want be alone right now.” He smiled at you, letting go of your hand so you can get comfortable. You faced away from him now, as he laid beside you. Wrapping his arm over you, you smiled. You felt his chest, and the steady pace of his breathe. Then, the strangest thing happened. He gave you a kiss on the top of your head. He held you closer to his chest.
Your heart skipped a beat, but your body relaxed. If only it could be like this all the time. If only he knew, that you truly loved him.
Mistakes were made, but can they be fixed?
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The sunlight bled into the room through the dark curtains. You opened your eyes slowly, your head pounding from the buzz of whiskey you had last night. Realizing what had happened the night before, you turned to your side. And to your surprise, Lu was still there. He stood with you, all night. Even in sleep he looked angelic. You sighed softly as you admired him. You wanted to stay there for a bit longer with him, forever even, but you know the pain of your arm would soon set in. Turning away from him, you attempted to leave the bed. Lucifer had other things in mind, as he wrapped his arm around you once more. Smiling at this gesture, it almost convinced you to stay there, but you knew the pain would become unbearable without those pills. Trying not to wake him, you slowly shuffled your way out of his grasp. The rush of the cold wooden floor gave you chills. Slowly you walked to the bathroom shutting the door softly and locking it. You turned and faced yourself in the mirror, sighing heavily at the sight. Looking down at the sink, you noticed your arm. Usually in times like these, you’d be wearing a long sleeve shirt. Not today, you wore short sleeve that was about two sizes bigger than you.
Your left arm didn’t look like it belong to you. White lines, all the way to the bicep. Some smaller than others, while the deeper ones were toward your wrist. Thirteen of them, were scabs, scattered and irregular but were the most deep you had made them. They were just starting to peel and fade away slowly to then look like the others. Scars. The right arm wasn’t much different either, just less of them. More sloppy then the left arm’s, the scars were angled because you were right handed. Shaking your head dismissing the thoughts, you opened the cabinet, searching for the painkillers. Your left arm started to irritate you, burning from beneath your skin and making it crawl with discomfort. You found the bottle toward the back, with one pill left. After washing up you took it, and headed back to your room, looking for something to wash it down with.
Slowly, you opened the door, to find Lucifer now wide awake, facing the mirror that was mounted on your wall above the dresser. His white button down was on your bed for some reason, as he combing his hands through his mess of curly hair. Lucifer looked at you as you shut the door behind you. Quickly he turned, facing you.
“Morning Y/N. I was thinking about just picking up some breakfast. What do you think?” He smiled, looking cheery as ever for some reason. But you didn’t know what to think. You had seen them, for a couple moments but you still noticed them. Fuck, how couldn’t you? Down his back, two large scars parallel to each other. Irregular cuts, as if something was ripped away or cut from him. You were speechless, almost emotional at the sight. How? After all the years you had known Lucifer, you never knew that existed. Repressing the tears, you cleared your throat and tried to search for the right words to say.
“Lu.” you were hesitant to say anything about you had just seen. There was a reason he had hide that from you. “What was that on your back?” He instantly became uncomfortable at the mention of his scars. Lucifer took a step back, placing his hands on the dresser.
“That's kind of a long story Y/N. And it’s really not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal? Lucifer you have to be shitting me. What the hell was that?” You started to get aggravated at him because of his attitude. He seemed unphased now, acting like it was just nothing. Looking down for a moment he whispered.
“My wings.” Obviously you didn’t believe him. That whole thing with him being Satan was an entirely different issue. But you went along with it. And Lucifer couldn’t have done that to himself, someone did this to him.
“How? W-who?” You were stunned, as you had never seen something that severe in your life.
“Ha, myself actually.” He gave a weak smile, with the pain flooding back into his memory. You didn’t believe him, how could he or anyone do this to themselves? That was merely impossible. He would have passed out half way from the pain.
“H-how the fuck? You couldn’t have done that to yourself Lucifer.”
“Well, I did have some help. An old friend helped me with those pesky wings.” He stated, as he took his shirt from your bed and put it on. Looking away for a second, he was taken back to that night. Pain is all he knew in those moments of rebellion. But in the end, it was worth it for Lucifer.
“Some friend.” You retorted as you rolled your eyes.
He seemed offended at the remark. He stood, glaring at you. “I wanted those wings off, it was my choice. You are in no position to judge someone who helped me with a decision I made.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” You took a step closer to him, feeling yourself raise your voice, at Lucifer of all people.
“It means that me cutting off my wings was an act of rebellion. Not an act of self mutilation, unlike some people.” You two had never fought like this. Sometimes about petty things, mostly about the flat or Lucifer bringing lovers without you knowing. But never like this. Taking more steps closer, you now were standing in front of him. Glaring up at him, your face had turned pink with rage. You didn’t know what to feel. Outrage, sympathy, or just insult.
“Unbelievable. You know damn well why the fuck I do this to myself. And for you of all people to say that-“
“Say what, the truth? Face it Y/N, you do that because you know you shouldn’t.”
“God, sometimes you are just so fucking ridiculous. You can never understand what it's like. To wake up and hate the fact that your still breathing.” Both of you were practically yelling at each other. But with you on the verge of tears. You couldn’t believe what was happening.
“No matter had what happened in the past, that pain is only temporary. But scars are forever Y/N. Why? Why couldn’t you just fucking talk to me? Instead you tried to fucking kill yourself. Do you even know where people go after they have done something like that?”
“What do you want me to say? What, that I’m sorry? That I’m sorry for hating myself and feeling not good enough for anyone in this world. I’m sorry for being here fucking everything up!” He caught himself, preventing himself from saying something else. But it was too late. This fire had built inside your chest. You wanted to scream, or just to get away. So you did. Storming out of your room, you took a jacket, your keys and your wallet and headed for the apartment door. As you quickly walked, you heard Lucifer behind you trying to convince you to stay.
“Wait Y/N! Let's talk about this!” He almost ran behind you trying to keep up.
“There's nothing to talk about Lucifer. I’m leaving.”
“You can’t just fucking leave! You’re still in recovery Y/N!” You scoffed as you adjusted your jacket, knowing there was still snow out there. You knew it, he really didn’t care about you. You were vulnerable, and told him things you never even said out loud. He didn’t care. You tired to care for him, and he didn’t care. No one did. You fell for it, his act. God how could you be so fucking stupid. The fiery rage just grew stronger inside you. Turning to him, you yelled at him, with this new found fire.
“Fucking watch me leave Lucifer. Don’t look for me either, I’m fucking done! I’m leaving, and that's it.”
“Y/N, I didn’t mean any of it, just please stay.”
“You know, I actually almost fell for your act. I actually thought you cared. I knew it, you just wanted to use me like everyone else. But, I would let you do that to me. I’ve been through to much shit in my life, and for you to do that. You just prevented me from making a huge fucking mistake.” You headed for the door, quickening your pace before he could convince you to stay.
“Y/N, it’s not like that-“
“Oh but isn’t it Lucifer. You play games with people and say anything to get into bed with them. I’ll be damned if I let you do that shit to me. I can’t believe I thought I cared for you.” He became panicked, not knowing what you were going to do, and honestly you didn’t know either.
“No Y/N, please just don’t go.” He seemed desperate now, and that stopped you in your tracks. You had reached the door, with your hand on the knob. Open it, leave, and never come back. You can get new things, just leave. Lucifer stood behind you, waiting for your next move. Gripping the metal tightly, you entertained the thought of not leaving for a second. “Let me explain to you, please Y/N.” He reached for your hand, but you pulled away. Your eyes were shut tightly, wanting to leave. Shaking him off, you opened the door. You hesitated for a moment, but in the end walked out and slammed the door with Lucifer, quietly repressing his tears behind it.
Sorry this took so long to publish, I had to rewrite some things...
After that day all those months ago, you did it, you really left everything behind. Going back to the flat only once to get your very personal items while he was at his job. You couldn’t face him, not after what he had done. Hiring movers to transport the rest of your things, you stayed at a distant friends place with searching for a flat of your own. Soon finding some place on the other side of London, you kept thinking how could you be so stupid. He lied to you, he pretended to care for you. And for what? You had seen some of the people he had been with previously, and why you? Maybe because you were gay and he just “had to have you.” In the end, he was just another person that wanted to use you.
Well, not this time, for once, you were finally content with your life. A new place on the quieter side of town, and a new job. You even started therapy, which honestly you needed after that ordeal that happened in January. You couldn’t remember a time where your life was this steady and calm. Maybe things were finally going in your favor.
Hopefully this new doctor can help with this process of yours. It being a couple months since the fight, and you were finally on your way to your first therapy session. Still, you couldn’t help to wonder if things could have been different. You didn’t know why, but a small part of you did in fact miss him. You had really loved him and the process of getting over it was difficult. But, that was all in the past, including him. This time was going to be different, no more messy emotions getting in the way. Right now, all you cared about is your mental health and improving on it. Making the final turn, you pulled into the parking lot. Turning off the car, you sat, anxious. You wanted to get better, you needed to get better. Having to trust this doctor and be open to anything was the only option.
With a couple deep breathes, you whispered to yourself,
“Come on, get through it.” Exhaling slowly, you got out the car and entered the building. Walking up the stairs, your heart pounded hard almost beating through your chest. “You got this, just be honest.” At you made it to the door, something stopped you from opening it immediately. The words echoing in your head. Be honest.
Walking in, a woman barely middle aged, with blonde hair and kind eyes waited for you as she sat at her desk. Knocking softly on the door, you asked,
“Hi, Dr. Martin?”
“Oh Y/N I presume?” She walked around shaking your hand.
“And please, feel free to call me Linda. Have a seat.” Looking around the office for a brief moment, it felt, safe. Diplomas and pieces of art hung from the walls and a couch was placed under them. Sitting down and taking off your jacket, Dr. Martin sat across from you.
“So how are things going, this being a new year and all.” You slightly smirked at the question. You wanted to be honest with her, and to finally get help. But admitting something like that would clearly drive her away, right? No, this was her job, to help people like you. Just be honest with her.
“Um, well Dr. Martin, this year hasn’t been the greatest. See, back in January I... tired taking my own life. After surviving and other things happening days after, I really felt as if I was…”
“Stuck?” She asked, and you nodded in agreement. Trying to focus on the positives aspects, you continued,
“But I left my old flat and moved out here and I have a new job and I’m away from anything that would cause me more pain then I already have.”
“Could you say, maybe it was something else that also caused you this pain? Or at least one of the reasons you decided to move out here?”
“Well yea, you could say my old flatmate had a some role in that entire mess. But, I’m away from him and I’m doing better.”
“Oh, I have no doubt you are in fact doing better and I’m so glad you are. What I am suggesting though, is that maybe he is still ‘around’ in a way.”
“I’m sorry, but can you explain?” What the hell was she on about? You moved far from him, he wasn’t around anymore. That would defeat the whole purpose of fucking moving.
“Well, the memory of him, and that never really leaves. The pain could come along with the memories. You wouldn't want to get some closure and have peace of mind?”
She didn’t even know the half of it.
“Never. I could never face him again without having a mental breakdown. He used me and pretended to care just to get in my pants. After I was vulnerable with him, and told him everything. He just wanted to get in my pants… and I could never forgive him for that.” You felt tears start to brew in your eyes, but you repressed them.
“Do you think that maybe he did, maybe he actually cared for you.”
“That impossible, I have experience with people using me and I know he was just going to be one of them.”
“So when…” Shit, his name, you hadn’t said his name.
“Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar.” Those two words brought back pain, and the feelings that you were so desperate to stuffed down deep. Looking back at Dr. Martin, she seemed stunned, and she sat frozen in her chair staring into the void. Was she okay?
“Dr. Martin, you alright?” Snapping back into reality she seemed worried about something. Clearing her throat she continued.
“Yea, I fine. Um, ok. So have you had any contact with Lucifer, since the fight?” Shaking you head no, you were disgusted at the thought. Why would you want to see or even SPEAK to him ever again. “So you haven’t heard anything from him? He hasn’t made any attempts to contact you?”
“Why are you so hell bent on knowing if he has contacted me? It's not like you know the guy.”
“That's the thing Y/N…” She paused, with worry. No, she couldn’t have known him. Even moving across town you can’t get away. A familiar feeling of anxiety started to fester in your chest. She must have noticed you starting to spiral because she spoke up.
“To be fair I shouldn’t have taken you on as a client if I knew you knew him. And, I’m sorry Y/N, but I won’t be able to treat you.” Looking at Dr. Martin, she had a moment of realization on her face. Damn well, you shouldn’t have even pursued therapy if it was just going to cause more pain.
“Can’t fucking believe this.” Standing up you paced the room back and forth. “How do you even know him?”
“He was one of my clients for until recently.” No, you didn’t want to hear it. Heading for the door she stopped you. “Y/N?” You paused at the doorway, “I haven’t heard from him since January. He has never missed a scheduled session even though, most of time he would just barge in with the latest problem in his life. I’ve tried calling and even visiting him but he never even lets me past the building’s gate.” Her voice was shaking, you could hear the tears behind the words. She continued, “I am genuinely worried for Lucifer’s safety.” Turning to face her you knew what was to come next.
“No way in hell, I’m not going to see him, not after what he did.”
“And I wouldn’t force you too, but all I’m saying is that he isn’t the same, something has happened. He wants to talk to you, I’m sure of it. And by talking to him you BOTH can get the closure you desperately need to move on.” You snapped back, you couldn’t take it.
“I don’t need anything from Lucifer Morningstar. I finally have my life somewhat together and of course somehow he crawls his way back in it. He used me and I would never go back to him, for anything.” You didn’t need closure, you needed to leave him behind and you almost did. But of all places to get help, you went to his therapist. Dr. Martin did genuinely seem worried. That doesn’t mean you were going to do it. Walking out the room after an uncomfortable moment of silence, you were even more hurt and confused then before you had arrived.
the next chapter will indeed be a long one and the final one. so i will have to step away for awhile to work on it because i care for this story too much to finish it half assed.