Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Percy strolled through the underworld casually, almost as though he hadn’t been violently rejected by the majority of his friends and family less than two weeks ago. His new all-black wardrobe looked absolutely amazing on him(if he said so himself). Who knew that hiding out with Hades and Nico in the underworld would lead to a new appreciation of the emo things in life?
Anywho, Percy was planning his exciting, awesome revenge and brooding about his now-hated former loved ones when he casually, completely by chance, 100% accidentally fell into Tartarus. Or was pushed. Who knows? Definitely not the author, who is in complete and total control of the story and is just needlessly baiting the readers into screaming at me.
... ok it was Percy’s evil lookalike who stole all his friends and got him punished by the gods because of plot conveniences and the like despite the fact that that would never actually occur.
“Damn you Darren!” Percy screamed as he fell down into Tartarus. As he fell, Percy began to tthink of ways to kill Darren, which though wildly out of character for Percy is somewhat understandable in this situation.
After falling for a while, Percy got bored and fell asleep, dreaming about his plans to kill Darren, which grew more and more graphic by the minute. The one he had decided on for now was an elaborate plot involving waiting for Darren to grow a mustache and then choking him with it.
Wow, the reader may wonder, when did Percy get like this? The writer would like to inform you that in the two weeks that Percy had been banished, he managed to consume every form of emo media available in a giant binge. He went through all of Homestuck, bought all of MCR’s albums, and has wrote six fan fictions for creepypasta. He also purchased a new wardrobe consisting of all-black emo and punk clothing, dyed his hair, and his shoe selection now consists of only vans, combat boots, and converse All-Stars. He is the most emo-est emo teenager ever, and of course the perfect matchup for the potential self-insert angst teenage love interest coming up in later chapters(!). Or maybe I’ll just plop him together with Nico.
Percy miraculously managed to survive the fall into Tartarus, which would kill him normally. Thankfully his fall was broken by a river of fire, and although he definitely should have ended up horribly burnt, he came away from the potential deadly encounter with only some mild, well-placed scars on his arms and legs. His hair, of course, was perfect as always with no visible signs of damage.
In a strange twist of fate, the majority of Percy’s shirt and pants burned off, exposing the seventeen-year-old’s strangely rock hard abs and delicious(? Ew) thighs. And collarbones sharp enough to cut rock. His cheekbones were as ummm lovely as ever, and in the two weeks he stayed in the underworld he managed to completely lose the tan he had for his entire life and became pale as death, a look that totally suited him. Why? Because I said so. His eyes, once a beautiful sea green were now pitch black and held only sadness and hatred when they once sparkled with life. Oh no. What tragedies have befallen this tragic hero. Or.... as he now is, an anti-hero!!!
Of course, Percy managed to keep his sword on him despite the majority of his clothing burning off, which is yet another convenient twist of fate. Of course, Percy’s sword is no longer Riptide. Darren the evil lookalike/twin took that from him. Naturally.
Percy’s new sword, forged in the hottest hellfire in the underworld and made out of Stygian iron(6lb, pure) mixed with monster blood(2 cups,whisked well), murderers’ bones(3 tablespoons, powdered), two sticks from a cursed tree( 2 inches), and the souls of the damned( 5 souls, puréed) was much, much stronger than Riptide and also way cooler. Totally.
“Oh no!” Percy exclaimed as he surveyed the fiery landscape of Tartarus, “I’ve fallen into Tartarus after my family and friends abandoned me and I lost all will to live and became a scene kid! What a tragic, horrible tragedy! Whatever shall I do?” As he gazed across the desolate landscape, Percy saw a figure in the distance. It was a hellhound, bounding straight towards him. Percy hid behind a conveniently placed rock formation, praying that the hellhound wouldn’t see him. His hopes, of course, were in vain because it only did hellhounds have a keen sense of smell, but Percy smelled strongly of burnt clothes and Demi-godliness. You’d think that Percy would get that monsters can smell him by now but apparently he just keeps forgetting.
The hellhound sniffed its way over to Percy, and although it was a literal monster at the bottom of a put full of monsters it didn’t even try to kill him, but instead only licked him and rolled over onto its back and begged for belly rubs, obviously completely domesticated.
“Wow!” Percy cried with glee “ Out of all the hell-hounds in this gods-forsaken place, I’ve managed to run into Mrs. O’Leary! How wonderfully convenient!” However, he realized something and in a split second his eyes filled with sadness. “Poor girl... I guess this means that they killed you at camp then. I’m going to get my revenge on that Darren guy for what he’s done to us, mark my words!”
Mrs. O’Leary had in fact died in a tragic accident, in which she thought the campers were playing fetch with her when they were actually in the middle of practicing their knife throwing. Mrs. O’Leary still has no idea what happened and could not correct Percy even if she did, as she could not understand what he was saying, being a dog.
And so, Percy climbed onto Mrs. O’Leary’s back and rode off into Tartarus with no destination in mind except revenge and no objective except to escape.
Chapter 2: Oh No! Angst! Chapter 2
Do I really need a summary? Ah, well.... Things happen, and a love interest is introduced! What more could you want?
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Tartarus is a horrible, desolate wasteland, filled with no possible forms of sustenance. This is an important part of what makes it so horrible to live in for monsters.
Naturally, this is no problem for Percy, because he has trained his body to survive without food. How? He eats rocks. That’s the answer. He has, miraculously, trained his body to be able to survive off of rocks and nothing else.
How do you think Percy’s rock-hard abs are so… rock-hard? They’re made of rocks, obviously! Of course, this is Percy’s greatest secret. Nobody else in the novel is allowed to have rock-hard abs because they do not know Percy’s secret rock-eating technique, which means that no matter how much muscle they have, their abs will never be literally as hard as rock.
This is the only way Percy is superior to Darren, the evil lookalike/twin.
Back to the st--- chappie! Because all thirteen year-old girls say chappie instead of story!
Percy, bounding across the hellscape of Tartarus, faces many monsters. Of course, he manages to get away every time, because he can. They dissolve into monster dust, and he conveniently never sees any of them again even though monsters reform in Tartarus and he is in Tartarus.
Naturally, Percy makes a campfire one night. (Is there night in Tartarus? Isn’t it too hot for a fire? Aren’t there flaming lava rivers everywhere? Won’t it attract attention?) And, as Percy lays in front of the fire he begins thinking of Nico Di Angelo, his best friend, cousin, and love interest.
Wow, Percy thinks, clearly picturing Nico’s face, He’s sooooooo hot. But, like, emo hot. Toungue piercings (like the one Nico has) are soooooooo hot.
Percy begins thinking about all the nice things Nico has done for him, like romantically not killing him, romantically holding his hand, and romantically kissing him when he thought Percy was asleep. Percy thinks back on these things in silence.
Wow, he thinks, what a shame. Guess our relationship is completely platonic and he has no interest in me. Maybe PErcy starts crying. Boo-hoo. Poor Percy. His love interest CLEARLY doesn’t like him back. There is no way hand-holding or kissing could possibly be romantic.
Naturally Percy falls asleep thinking about all the things Nico (his little cousin like wtf PErcy) does that are cute/hot/endearing. Nothing attacks him, steals his stuff, or kills him in his sleep. Why? I said so.
The next day Percy wakes up to see Nico next to the fire as welll.
“Oh my gods! Nico! What are you doing here?!” He yells, waking Nico up. Mrs. O’Leary keeps sleeping, because the author ha made her temporarily deaf along with literally every other monster in a two mile radius.
“Oh, Percy,” Nico says, blushing, just to ensure that the reader knows that YES, NICO DI ANGELO CRUSHES BACK ON PERCY IF U DIDNT GET IT ALREADY.
“I followed you here using my secret underworld skills because I love you. Platonically.” He says, and at the last part his eyes shift back and forth. He is clearly lying, but Percy doesn’t know what basic body language is or is too stupid to tell.
“Wow, coolio Nico! Thanks!” Naturally, he doesn’t ask any questions, because why sould he? Nico will tell him what he needs to know.
“Okay.” Nico says, entirely out of the blue. “We gotta get outta here before we die.” Nico cannot survive on rocks like Percy, so for him this is a legitimate concern. “I didn’t bring anything but myself, my sword, and some emo makeup.”
“I’m fine with that.” Percy says, because of course he is. “I needed to touch up my eyeliner anyways.” He opens Nicos bag and dumps it out on the ground. “Oh. my. Gosh. Is this the new tarte palette?!” He flips the palette lid open, and immediately begins smearing the darkest shade he can find around his eyes. “OMG! Neeks, I love it!1!!!111!” nico blushes, to make his crush super obvious.
“Thanks Percy! This is totally a priority right now! After all, we can’t appear anywhere without at least some thick eyeliner.”
“True dat.” Percy says, because he is no longer just angsty Percy, he is peppy angsty Percy. After applying their 12342344412oiu layers of eyeliner, they set out again, Percy now wearing a bunch of hot metal jewelry around open lava pits. The jewelry doesn’t burn him or Nico. They are both perfectly fine.
Suddenly, a monster appears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s a _________ monster! Percy jumps off Ms. O’Leary’s back and starts hacking away at it, but the monster is just too strong! (Even though Percy literally defeated like a titan and a giant and a shit-ton of the exact same monster multiple times)
“(Insert clever quip)!” PErcy yells, and the _______ roars, swiping at him. Oh no! Percy got hit, and the wound looks seriously serious!
Nico jump in, pushing the______ back and killing it, before rushing to Percy’s side.
“Oh no!” He yells, kneeling next to PeRCy “You’re dying!”
“I’m okay neeks,” Percy replies weakly, coughing up blood. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not! You’re dyyyyyyiiiinnnngggggggg!!!!111!!11!!”
“No I’m not,” Percy says as the light begins fading from his eyes. “... okay maybe I am.”
“No, Percy, don’t goooooooooooo!” Nico screams, and Percy’s body begins to go limp in his arms. “I looooovveeeee yooooouuuuuuuuu!!!!111!11”
“Yay,” Percy says, blood dripping from his mouth (this is to show that he’s dying) “That's coolio. Nico,” he says weakly (because, plot twist, he’s dying) “I……………….. Love you……………………….toooo……………..bleh.” and he dies in Nico’s arms.
“Oh no!” Nico cries, dropping Percy’s body abruptly on the ground, “He’s dead!!!! What a horrible twist! What an awful excuse for a side quest!!! I’m suddenly completely useless!!!! What could I, a demigod, celebrated war hero, decently-educated Prince of the Underworld possibly do about my dead cousin/love interest?!!!!!” He walks off into the distance, wailing. “It’s not like I can revive him with some secret underworld technique or anything!” Nico stops dead in his tracks. “Oh wait!” He says, suddenly happy, and smacks himself in the forehead. “I can!”
One may wonder why he didn’t do this to his sister. THe thing isssssss there is a prerequisite and that prerequisite is that they have to be soooouuuulllmates.
Nico is like 99% sure Percy’s his soulmate because
- He loves Percy and…..
- Aphrodite one day, completely, out-of-the blue, gave him helpful love-life info INCLUDING a highly detailed description of his soulmate’s appearance without once mentioning his name.
This makes total, absolute sense. Nico, now ready to escape Tartarus, prepares for his super-emo, super-cool journey to restore PErcy to his former status as a living member of society. Because its not like he can see him in the Underworld, being the Underworld Prince and all. That would be ridiculous. He’d rather use the once-in-seven-hundred-years soulmate revive spell thingy.
Nico, determined to revive Percy, now begins his super-dangerous quest through Tartarus!!!!
What could possibly happen next????!?!!!!!!!!!!
I regret my life choices.
I don’t own pjo or any brand names mentioned in this fic.
Hated it? Got some suggestions? Needs salt? Tell me in the comments!
(BTWs if you haven’t already noticed, this is a parody.)
Imma do my best to finish this, even if it turns out like shit, so, MOTIVATION! Comments feed me!
Chapter 3: Oh No! Angst! Chapter 3
Percy is resurrected, and a rival appears!
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Nico wanders through the underworld forlornly, like the ghosts surrounding him. Why are there ghosts surrounding him? He’s in the underworld.
You, dear reader, may be wondering how Niico escaped Tartar sauce. Well, I will tell you now: he didn’t. This is all in his head, kinda like Fight Club but not really because this is real and in Fight Club it was all in this one guy’s head. But Nicooh is that guy from Fight Club, the imaginary one, but he’s imagining himself.
Ok. Now that I, the author, have given you a real and totally not confusing, convoluted, nonsensical, or impossible explanation for this phenomenon will you please not kill me? I value my life.
Anywho, Nicoh is looking for Percey’s soul. It’s been like only three weeks since Pearcy died, and Neeco has since become a battle-hardened warrior. He is still an emo kid, but he is now a hotter emo kid. Excessive piercings? Old news. Your boi has tattoos now. They look totally awesome on his super-muscly arms. Neco, of course, grew six inches. He filled out. His voice dropped. His arms are now ‘lightly scarred’, which may make the reader think of someone lightly nicking themself with paring knife repeatedly about the arms and chest. Or maybe like, sticking his arms in a frying pan filled with sharp objects and just kinda………..jostling them around.
Wrong. These are all battle scars from the trials that Nicko has had to endure to revive his dead soulmate in a once-every-seven-hundered-years-ritual. It was pretty intense. There was a lot of shit he had to get for this stupid ritual. It may have taken any normal demigod somewhere around ten years to locate and collect every specific object, but not Neko! He was too cool, too buff for that. Additionally, he no longer had to stop to eat or earn money because he read PErcy’s diary after his death and learned his secret rock-eating technique. He now has rock-hard abs to match Percy’s dead body.
He already had the potion prepared in his basement bedroom at his daddy’s underworld palace, but I’ll recite the ridiculous list of ingredients just to show off my knowledge of the pjo universe and greek mythology, n00bs.
For this once-every-seven-hundered-years-soulmate-revival-ritual-potion, you will need:
One Minotaur’s horn (powdered), Lava river water from Tartarus (5 cups), Blood of the servant, willingly given (rather tough, as all of Piiercys servants were dolphins and fish and stuff, but he managed) (1 ½ cups), Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken (½ cup), Two golden immortality apples, crushed w/seeds, Ichor from one of the big three (¼ cup), grass from elysium (5 tsp), lemon juice (3 tsp), salt (½ tsp), chicken nuggets (2 10 piece packages, ground), and last, but not least, a lock of your beloved’s hair (preferably more than 3 tbsp for best results).
Naturally, all Nickoo needs now is Perrcy’s soul, which should be wandering somewhere around the underworld. Somewhere. Probably.
It takes Neico exactly thirty-three seconds to find Perciy’s soul, despite there being literally billions of ghosts in the underworld, many of them also named PEircy and located in any area of the underworld at once.
“Wow!” Percy says, “Thanks for showing up Neeks! My bro! My man! My cousin! My… lover...”he sighs, despite having literally been just confessed to on his deathbed. He’s noticed that Nicco changed, (he’s not blind, just stupid) but is somehow not terribly shocked or disturbed about how he grew six inches in three weeks, attained two full sleeves of tattoos and finished puberty. (that's where the stupid part comes in)
Oh my gosh!1!!1! He’s somehow even hotter!!!! Perecy thought, looking him up and down and left and right and into the fourth dimension,,,,,, blowing his own mind. Don’t worry, he’ll bounce back eventually. The author demands it.
Nieco, not noticing this suspiciously long period of silence and the drool hanging from Pericy’s mouth, began to escort Percie back to his emo basement room in his daddy’s death castle.
“Okay Percy, you’re my soulmate. I know this because Aphrodite told me and the gods never lie about anything ever.” Nikko reached the castle, and marched Peercy, who was still drooling, into the basement. (Okay, I’m running out of ways to misspell their names so imma stop now).
Percy just went along with him, and once they reached his spooky basement bedroom, Nico began chanting magic words over the pot of boiling once-every-seven-hundred-years-soulmate-revival-ritual-potion. Now, the reader may ask, how can Nico do magic? Since when can he do magic? He’s not a child of Hecate…. So how did he gain these convenient magical abilities?
Well, dear readers, Nico has received the blessing of Hecate, which absolutely, 100% gives him crazy powers including but not limited to: magic, flight, summoning abilities, and invisibility. Naturally, the blessing of Hecate will only be used in this one scene, because there are no other possible situations in which Nico could, would, or should use those abilities.
After a bunch of magic chanting and color-changing and glowing and shit, Nico dumps the thick-ass cauldron of potion over Percy’s head, and Boom! Percy is back in his original body, but better. Of course.
Percy’s glowing. Literally. His crops are watered, his skin is clear, and the sequel to Homestuck has been released.
He’s not even naked, just shirtless. His whole body was magically regrown complete with a pair of skinny jeans that are now permanently fused to his legs.
Naturally, the first thing he does upon regaining his body is to begin to passionately make out with his cousin boyfriend Nico.
“Wow!” he says after breaking away from Nico, “I love you so much!” A dramatic pause. “...or do I?” He pushes Nico away, and falls back onto the bed, his,,,,,,, dark eyes filled with so much pain and angst. Oh no.
“Do you remember your twin sister that the author just made up?” Percvy sobbed.
“Of course I do! How could I ever forget,,,,,,,,,, Psolí ? My beautifully named sister?” Nico wailed.
“I thinkk…….. I’m in love with her too!!!!” Nico collapsed, utterly betrayed.
“Percy I-I can’t believe youuuuu!!1!” Suddenly the door to Nico’s room in his daddy’s eath castle swung open. A beeeeeautiful emo teenage girl stood there.
She had looooong,, stunningly smooth wavy auburn brown gold silver hair, beautiful pale skin, and her orbs. Her eyes. Her peepers. Her lookers. Her blinkers were a beautiful shade of blue-green-pink that constantly shot out different colors everywhere like a disco ball of… ocular degeneration.
Her clothing, however, was super dark and dreary. Ultra-emo. Like, there’s Percy-level emo which s kinda normal. But this. This is EMO. True emo. A master of the art of emo-ness. This girl knows Glitch step. Freestyle dance. She can also play the piano violin and she can sing draw write color etc. She attends emo dance raves in the park. Her outfit? Thigh highs. Fishnets everywhere three crop-tops, a leather jacket, solid black shiny leather combat boots with six-inch heels. A miniskirt covered in chains. Exactly eight skull necklaces. Twenty-two ear piercings, one nose ring, five belly-button piercings, one tongue piercing, and an eyebrow piercing.
Of course, she’s a natural beauty. Not an ounce of makeup, despite her flawless skin and perfectly-done eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick, foundation, concealer, eyebrow pencil, waterproof mascara. How? It’s all permanently tattooed on her face. In fact, her whole face is covered in one giant tattoo. It’s very well-done.
“Was someone,” she begins, looking directly at the camera and smirking despite the tears of everyone in the room except for her, “calling me?” She flipped her (perfect) hair and batted her (perfect) eyelashes.
Percy fell in love immediately, no questions asked, 100% naturally with no reason not to.
This is it, guys. My life's work.