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Excellent Self-Care

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Note: Timeline is sure to be a mess, totally unbeta'd and the first fic I've written since middle school. Enjoy.

Two days after regaining his sight and finally on the cusp of being treated like something other than fragile porcelain, Zhao Yunlan bled from the mouth in the middle of a briefing.
The damn cat had caught Yunlan wobbling just yesterday, unsteady on his feet and eager to hide it. It was probably just exhaustion, and while the Shen Wei full service nursing experience was nice in moderation or maybe for a kinky weekend, there was work to be done.

Fat Cat had the concerned look of someone who'd rat him out to the resident mother hens and then spend the budget on dried fish snacks while everyone was distracted. There was only one possible response. Yunlan made eye contact and then loudly, ostentatiously googled "how to rehome asshole cat" before pulling up tabs of adorable kittens awaiting adoption. Maybe he could find a little black one to name 'Lord Envoy'.

Da Quing rolled his eyes, convinced that if he was well enough to be an asshole he was fine.
Wrong. There were three things he'd be able to do up to his dying breath- make his oral fixation shamefully public via candy, flutter his eyelashes at Shen Wei, and be an asshole.

The worst part was how practiced everyone's response to his apparent failing health and mortal peril. Zhu Hong ushered him back into his seat to limit the danger if he collapsed while Lin Jing scanned diligently for dark energy. Xiao Guo even held back his tears as he frantically searched for a handkerchief.

Shen Wei stared at him with the kind of focused devotion that was exhilarating in bed but right now meant that Yunlan was going to be escorted to the hospital and anyone who got in the way, or was found to be responsible would find themselves minced. And Incinerated. Possibly banished to the shadow realm. Hours and tests went by in strained speculative silence. Was it a new threat? Some poison or attack? Flanked by Shen Wei and Zhu Hong in full protective fury, with Da Quing lingering in the back pretending to be indifferent to lowly humans affairs, Yunlan was being quizzed on his diet.

Future arguments that he was a fully grown adult human who could feed and take care of himself were preemptively demolished.

Zhao Yunlan had scurvy.