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Come Dine With Me

Chapter Text

It was currently summer break for the smashers. This meant the smashers were free to do whatever they wanted, as long as it was legal and family friendly.

Marth, Roy, Link, Ike and Pit were sitting in the TV room surrounded by at least twenty fans. But alas, the fans weren't much help since the ice cubes they had brought with quickly melted in the heat and the group of friends was left to despair.

With the last of his energy, Pit managed to switch on the TV. The only channels available were all British because Shulk and Bayonetta kept complaining about the low quality of non-British sitcoms.

With nothing else to do, the friends sat through the ads. After five minutes, a show had finally begun. A big logo with "Come dine with me" written on it appeared on the TV screen.

Pit and Ike were immediately intrigued by the picture of food and the word dine respectively. The others rolled their eyes and decided to tolerate the show.

An hour later, the show finished. The food-loving duo loved it and rushed to the nearest DVD store that still existed to buy "Come done with me" sets. The pretty boy trio changed the channel, confused about what was so appealing.

:.。. o()o .。.*

The next morning, the friends met up for breakfast. It was going normally until Pit brought up "Come dine with me" into the conversation.

"Guys, I think we should do something like Come dine with me!" the angel smiled as he looked at his confused friends, "It will give us something to do. We could visit each other's original universes."

"I don't know... Wouldn't we be interfering with the laws of universes or something?" Link shrugged.

"Well, I kinda left everyone without saying goodbye or explaining anything. I think it's a bad idea," Ike admitted, "But if we find a way to not go back to Tellius, it could work. Somehow."

"It would be pretty problematic to return to Archanea. I'd take you guys to Ylisse, but we'd get into a lot of trouble," Marth sighed, "And I don't think anyone, besides Link, can cook."

"Just get Palutena to use her powers to create some weird AU or something. It's not as though we have anything better to do," Roy complained.

:.。. o()o .。.*

After an hour of begging and another one of planning, the friends had finally come up with a somewhat decent plan.

They would travel to alternate universes where the inhabitants wouldn't find anything weird.

Naturally, Master Hand caught wind of the plan and decided to contact an invisible filming crew to create a TV show. He had to make sure to catch everything on tape to use as blackmail. Maybe he could create his own show...

:.。. o()o .。.*

The next day, Ike left early in the morning to begin preparations. His friends stayed until five PM before leaving for Tellius.

The group of friends was about to have the craziest dinner unaware that they were being recorded.

Chapter Text

Ike made his way to Tellius using a portal made by Palutena. He was looking forward to seeing his friends and family again. The goddess had told him that he'd be sent to a universe where everything was peaceful and everyone was happy and alive.

Ike entered the Greil mercenaries base where he found everyone. Mist, Soren, Titania, all the mercenaries, even his parents... Everyone was there.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Meanwhile, Ike's friends from Smash were busy placing bets on how much food Ike would place on their plates.

:.。. o()o .。.*

After an hour of negotiations, Ike managed to convince his father to not allow Mist in the kitchen.

The blue haired man called Oscar, Soren and Titania to help him with the preparations.

"I think this should do!" Ike smiled as he showed the menu he had written to his friends.

"I think that would be too much," Titania sighed, "How many friends are you inviting?"

"Four. I'm sure they can handle it. It's not that much."

"When did you even have time to make these friends?" Soren asked.

"Um... We met while... I was going shopping for food once. I always have time to make friends, since I... fight for my friends."

Surprisingly, Ike's bad lie managed to convince everyone in the room. Ike hoped that question would never be brought up again. He couldn't afford to mess the dinner up.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Palutena allowed Marth, Link, Pit and Roy to enter the portal to Tellius. When they arrived, they saw a big stone fort.

"It's pretty small," Pit remarked.

"Ike's from a normal family. What were you expecting? A huge mansion?" Link replied.

"Wait, it's not the norm to have a huge house?" Marth asked.

"Let's go knock on the door," Roy sighed as he approached the door.

The door flung open as soon as Roy touched it. Ike welcomed his friends and showed them around the fort.

After the tour, he led them to the mess hall where they all sat down to talk as they waited for their food.

Ike excused himself to go cook and the others started gossiping. They started placing bets on what Ike would make.

Sadly, it wasn't a very interesting conversation since everyone expected some kind of meat.

While those four chatted about everything and anything, Ike was busy thinking about how to convince his friends he cooked.

Oscar was the one who was actually cooking and he was expecting a huge pay rise. He was not cooking for five people for free after all. You'd have to be crazy or really really nice to do that and Oscar was sane and really nice.

Ike finally decided to put the food Oscar made on ugly plates and rearrange it all to look sloppy. Perfect, no one would be able to tell he hadn't cooked a thing.

Ike filled some glasses with water and took them to the mess hall. As he placed the drinks, he announced that the food was coming really soon.

His friends looked eager to find out what Ike would bring. Sure, they all bet the same thing, but they all hoped in their hearts that they were wrong.

They were all right.

As Ike brought the food, they noticed the huge size of the portions. The plates were full of sloppily arranged chunks of meat. Way more than one should eat to be healthy.

The presentation might have been bad, but the smell was a completely different story. The food smelled so good, that Marth even admitted he was impressed.

Everyone happily ate their meat, enjoying the delicious savory taste. As soon as everyone finished, Ike took back the empty plates.

He returned and announced they were going to go fight some bandits as entertainment.

:.。. o()o .。.*

The battle against the bandits was pretty short because Roy's Binding Blade is overpowered in Fire Emblem.

Even so, the friends had some fun and were rewarded with gold by some nearby villagers. All though not that much which disappointed them since they were all so used to being payed a lot by Master Hand.

:.。. o()o .。.*

They returned to the fort and Ike made his way to the kitchen. His friends returned to the mess hall and waited for Ike.

"What do you guys think he'll bring for dessert?" Link asked, "I'm really looking forward to it. Knowing Ike, it will be something big."

"I hope it's something big and yummy! I didn't know Ike was such a good cook," Pit admitted with a huge smile on his face, "He should cook with Mario and Luigi some day. He could make the pizza topping while the twins make the base and sauce."

"I don't care what it is as long as it's small," Marth whined, "I'm so full. How can you guys eat so much and still want more? Are your stomachs bottomless pits?"

"Ike's a meat loving guy. I'm sure he's not that into desserts. He probably won't make something that big. He didn't even bother making a starter. He's a pretty good friend, he knows we wouldn't be able to handle so much food," Roy reassured Marth before seeing Ike, "Ike's coming!"

As he finished his sentence, the redhead's face went completely pale. His friends, wondering what was wrong with him, turned around to see Ike.

Marth's expression was full of disgust, Link was confused but not completely disturbed and Pit had the biggest possible smile on his face.

"Yay!" Pit cheered, "More food!"

"This was unexpected..." Link admitted, "Was what we just had our starter?"

"Yeah, I kinda forgot to tell you guys," I laughed nervously, "I hope you enjoyed it."

"It was delicious! I'm afraid I won't be able to compete."

"I'm sure you'll do great, Link!"

While the three food loving guys were talking about their love for food. Marth and Roy glanced at each other with very serious expressions. They knew what had to be done and they couldn't mess it up.

"I'm going to the toilet," Marth announced confidently before changing to an uncertain tone, "T-to... Um... Wash my hands and brush my hair... I-it's kind of been bothering me."

"I-I'll race you to the toilet!" Roy shouted as he jumped out of his seat.

The two swordsmen ran out of the mess hall as their three friends stared in confusion.

"Must be a nobles thing to be embarrassed about going to the toilet during a meal," Ike joked.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Marth and Roy ran into the toilet and caught their breaths. They couldn't handle eating any more food.

"What are we going to do?" Marth asked with worry all over his face, "Ike's going to hate us if we refuse to eat anything. He takes food more seriously than anything else."

"We've got to come up with something to eat all the food or at least somehow get rid of it," Roy answered.

The two stood in silence as they thought of a plan. Roy was struck with an idea and broke the silence.

"Do you think you can distract Pit long enough so that he won't realize he's missing two feathers?"


"All right, I'll spill food on you and then we go to the toilet again. We've just got to eat a little bit to make it seem natural."


:.。. o()o .。.*

Marth and Roy returned to the dinner table and joined in the conversation. About food.

"And then I made a huge fire and accidentally burned my meal!" Link laughed as he told a story about his worst meal ever.

"My worst meal was when my sister cooked for the first time ever," Ike recalled, "It was so disgusting, I actually wanted to vomit. I was way too used to Oscar's cooking."


"Uh... He's a friend who usually cooks for us. Since... Um, I'm usually out fighting or training so I don't have time to cook most of the time. He's the best cook I know. Taught me everything about cooking."

"I'd love to meet him and eat his food," Pit smiled, "Must be so nice to eat great meals all the time!"

In the kitchen, Oscar was crying tears of joy as he eavesdropped on the conversation.

"Hey, Pit?" Marth asked.

"What is it?"

"Um... What's the food like in Sky World?"

"It's great! You can eat ice cream off the floor without getting sick!"

Pit went on and on about the amazing food of Sky World. He was so into his eloge that he didn't notice Roy plucking two of his feathers.

"Hey, Marth?" Roy said loudly, "Can you pass the salt?"

"There is no salt."

"What!?" Roy shouted as he dropped his fork on his plate in the most strategic way possible to ensure some of the sauce splashed on to Marth.

Marth looked pretty annoyed that some sauce had splashed onto his hair, but he knew he had to tolerate it for the sake of the plan.

Roy pretended to be embarrassed and excused himself by telling Marth he'd help him clean up. The two rushed out of the room leaving the three other confused.

"I feel bad for them... They must feel so embarrassed..." Pit said, "Their food is going to to get cold."

"You guys don't think they'll mind if we eat some of their food?" Ike asked as he stared at the almost untouched food.

"Marth would never say no to someone wanting to eat his food and I'm sure Roy prefers seeing us happy over seeing himself happy," Link explained, "I say we take a bit."

The three took a little bit of the two missing friends' foods. But they were still feeling hungry. They took a little bit more and before they knew it, Marth and Roy's plates were empty.

:.。. o()o .。.*

At the same time, Marth and Roy noticed a huge problem in the toilet. There was no flush. They were in medieval times after all.

That meant there was no way to hide the evidence of what they were about to do. They had to make an emergency backup plan.

They snuck out of the fort and into the nearby forest to carry out their plan. After they had executed it, they made their way back to the fort feeling like crap.

The two friends walked through the hallways when they noticed they were being followed by a certain mage unable to hide his death glare.

:.。. o()o .。.*

"Ike!" Soren shouted as he barged into the mess hall dragging a blue-haired prince and a redhead behind him.

"What's up, Soren?"

"Who are these rich guys? How do they know you? What's Radiant Dawn? What's an S-support? And what does me being your waifu mean?"

"Um... They're my friends I told you about. Radiant Dawn's a game... Um, a board game we all came up with. S-support is a thing in the game and um... What was the last question?"

"Ike's told us a lot about you!" Link smiled as he saved Ike's ass.

Ike sighed in relief. But it was not over yet.

"He talks about me to you?"

"Yeah! He always says great things like how you're an amazing strategist. The best one he's met!"

"In Heroes, he S-supported y-" Pit started before being kicked in the stomach by Link.

"Excuse him, he's an idiot."

While Ike, Soren and Link talked. Marth and Roy took that opportunity to take their plates and rush to the kitchen to throw it to the trash.

But when they arrived, they noticed that their plates were empty and someone was staring at them.

They ran out screaming about a ghost possessing Ike's kitchen. Ike mentally sighed in relief that they didn't catch Oscar making the food.

Everyone sat down and talked around the table and eventually Titania and Oscar joined the group.

Suddenly, Ike remembered he hadn't brought the dessert. But before he could get up, Mist came running in holding the most disgusting looking pancakes imaginable.

Ike's parents came in running and apologizing. They explained that Mist really wanted to help. But none of it mattered. Someone was going to have to take the first bite.

Pit was the first to give in. He quickly grabbed the pancake and stuffed it in his mouth while making sure to swallow it as quickly as possible. He was soon followed by everyone else.

Mist was oblivious to the reason why the room had gotten silent. She assumed everyone was speechless and loved her pancakes. Ike knew what had to be done in order to save the dinner.

"Mist. I think you should never make pancakes again."

Mist looked at her brother with hurt eyes. Ike could feel everyone staring at him and he quickly came up with the crappiest excuse possible.

"You know, they were so good. I want to treasure them forever. If you ever make more, I'll forget about this moment."

"Oh, Ike!"

Mist ran towards her brother to give him a hug. Alas, her efforts were in vain as Ike dodged her and shouted: "Run!".

Ike and his friends from Smash quickly made their way to the portal they had come in from. They entered it and returned to the Smash Mansion.

:.。. o()o .。.*

The friends decided to meet up in the living room before going to bed. They had very important matters to discuss.

"I think from now on. We should get a menu before going to someone's place," Marth suggested.

"You're right! That will make it even more like Come Dine With Me!" Pit smiled as he jumped off the sofa, "I'm gonna go make mine right now!"

The angel left the room before anyone could register what had happened.

"I thought he'd be upset because there wouldn't be an element of surprise anymore," Roy sighed, "At least, we won't think we're having the main dish instead of a starter again."

"Wait, you guys thought the starter was the main dish?" Ike asked shocked you Roy's revelation.

Once again, Link had to save the day.

"Guys, we're forgetting something very important. How is Pit supposed to make a menu if he can't write?"

:.。. o()o .。.*

When everyone went to bed, Master Hand started working on his project. He had gotten a lot of footage and knew exactly what to do with it.

He was going to make sure he'd make a lo of money. He couldn't let such an opportunity go to waste. He had managed to get a good contract for his new show after all.

The black market of TV shows was soon going to know and fear his name. This was just the start of his new reign as the most successful black market TV show producer.

Chapter Text

Pit was happy to return to Sky World. He had really missed it. He loved the Smash Mansion, but there just wasn't anything like home.

First thing on his to-do list was finding this universe's Palutena. He had to explain the whole situation around the dinner to her. That way, she could help him find a way to make food by himself.

:.。. o()o .。.*

No one had actually seen Pit leave. This meant no one knew where Pit had left the menu.

Link and Marth were the first to arrive for breakfast and were extremely thrilled by the menu's absence.

Link suggested that they ask around for information. But Marth argued that knowing Pit, he probably left the menu in his room and told no one about it.

Ike joined in suggesting they should just have everything be a surprise. This was met with glares from the two shorter swordsmen.

The three tried to come up with an effective plan. That was easier said than done though.

Ike was too used to having people plan for him and wasn't much help, while Link and Marth kept arguing about how the other's plan wouldn't work.

This was what happened every time Roy, the smartest guy of the group and the only one that can plan things with no trouble, wasn't there.

The three didn't know it, but the reason Roy wasn't there was because he had to show the newcomers around. This was all part of Master Hand's plan to have more funny moments in the show.

:.。. o()o .。.*

After finding Palutena, Pit had been given permission to use the goddess's kitchen and ingredients.

The goddess warned the angel to be careful while mixing the ingredients because one wrong move could make the food come to life.

The green haired goddess gave Pit a recipe with a lot of pictures to help him avoid a catastrophic scenario. She also told him that in case things went bad, she'd rush in to help him without letting his friends know.

Pit was thankful that Palutena was so kind to him. She had even allowed him to spend the whole morning practicing.

He had to make sure he mastered cooking before 3 pm. He hadn't planned anything too hard, so he was confident he could do it.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Realizing they weren't getting anywhere, Marth, Link and Ike decided to search for Roy.

They checked every room to no avail. Where could he be? Had he been kidnapped? Was he turned into a trophy by Tabuu? Did he get killed? No one knew.

Normal people would have given up, but these were video game protagonists. They didn't know what giving up meant.

:.。. o()o .。.*

By noon, Pit had managed to cook quite a few different meals. Every meal improved in quality.

He could feel it. The dinner was going to be a success.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Marth, Link and Ike were getting really tired and hungry. But they still hadn't given up.

Ike was about to suggest a quick snack break when he heard someone yell "Aether!". He ran towards the sound and was quickly followed by Marth and Link.

The trio entered a noisy room which turned out to be one of the training rooms. There, they saw a group of people watching others train.

Lucina, who was among the group of people, ran towards Marth with the biggest smile ever.

"Hero-King, Marth! You will never believe who's here!"

"Let me guess, we memed K Rool into Smash?"

"What? He's in Smash. But... Father is here! As a fighter!"

"Oh, great..."

"I know right!"

While Lucina was going on and on about her father to Marth, Link and Ike decided to look for the guy. They found him trying out some moves with Dark Samus and Ritcher.

Before they could speak to him, a huge explosion was heard and one of the room's walls came crumbling down.

Roy entered the room while avoiding any falling debris. He apologized for the destroyed wall and his absence. The redhead explained he wanted to get something heavy out of the way using flare blade but he tripped on a banana peel Diddy King had left.

Everyone was distracted and Marth took this opportunity to get away from Lucina. He rushed towards Roy and asked him what he had been doing.

After explaining that he had to show the newcomers around, Roy told his friends they could talk after 3 pm.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Pit felt he had mastered enough cooking to prepare his dinner. He was really looking forward to make food for his friends.

But he had something else to do. He had to prepare the entertainment. He was sure his friends would love it. They all needed to relax after all. How could they not love what he had planned? Link enjoyed healing fountains, Marth liked things that made him more "healthy and beautiful", Ike would love a relaxing activity and Roy would enjoy finally getting to do something calm with his friends.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Roy had finally finished with the tour and met up with his friends. Marth was about to ask Roy for a plan, but Ike had other plans.

He wanted to know why Chrom could use Aether. So Roy explained the whole situation to Marth and Link's dismay.

"So, he has the same recovery as me. But he uses a fighting style similar to yours," Ike summarized.

"Yeah, but since his sword is the same as Lucina's, he doesn't need to sweetspot," Roy clarified before being struck by an idea, "You know Dragon Ball right?"

"I swear, if you two do what I think you're going to-" Marth yelled before being cutoff.

"Fusion!" Roy and Ike shouted in unison as they copied the Dragon Ball pose.

After wasting an hour, the group had finally gotten to the topic of the menu.

"We can just ask Palutena to find it," Roy told his friends.

The group found Palutena and asked about the menu. She found it and let them keep it.

"I don't get it," they all said as they looked at Pit's terrible drawings.

:.。. o()o .。.*

It was finally time to go to Sky World. The four friends entered Palutena's portal and were greeted by Pit. The angel took his friends to the big dining hall in Palutena's temple after showing them around. Pit left to prepare his starter leaving his friends alone.

The four swordsmen stared at the menu intensely trying to figure out what the drawing was. It was all in vain. Pit was a terrible artist and his drawings looked like a three-year-old's scribbles.

Everyone agreed that the starter was probably going to be something unhealthy. They decided not to place any bets since last time everyone has bet the same thing and it has been a huge waste of time.

Pit returned from the kitchen carrying a huge bowl of fruit salad. His friends were utterly speechless at the sight.

"Um, are you guys okay?" the angel asked confused by his friends' silence, "You did get my menu, right?"

"Yeah, of course, we did," Ike laughed nervously.

"We just weren't expecting it to... look so good!" Link lied.

"My dinner's going to be awesome!" Pit boasted, "Just you wait and see, Link!"

The five friends ate the fruit salad that turned out to actually be pretty good.

:.。. o()o .。.*

It was entertainment time. This meant Pit was feeling extremely excited, but also a bit nervous. He really hoped everyone would like visiting the hot springs.

When the group arrived at the hot spring's location, they were hit by a realization. No one had brought a swimsuit nor a towel.

"You guys didn't bring towels?" Pit asked confused.

"Um… Roy was supposed to bring them. I made sure to tell him not to forget them," Marth lied trying to push the blame onto his friend.

"What!?" the redhead yelled, "You never told me anything!"

"I know! We can use our capes as towels," Ike suggested only to be met by glares from his shorter friends.

"But what about the swimsuits? We're not going in naked, right?" Link asked.

"Of course not! I always swim in hot springs fully clothed!" Pit smiled, "I'll go get you guys some towels. You guys can just jump in."

The angel ran to fetch some towels while his friends stared at the hot spring unsure on what to do next. Should they go in it with all their clothes or should they wait for Pit to return and discuss things over. Pit was expecting everyone to enter the water fully clothed and if he did it the whole time, there had to be no danger seeing how his clothes appeared to be in perfect condition.

Link decided to feel the water with his hands. It was nice and warm. It felt pretty relaxing. That is until someone decided to push him in.

"Water looks good, Marth! Look at Link he's having a great time," Roy pointed at the blond he had just pushed.

"But his hair is completely wet. I don't want to make mine wet! And my tiara? It will get wet too! It might even rust!"

"But look at Ike, he's happily washing Ragnell in the water. Link's doing the same with the Master Sword. If it makes you feel better, you can use my headband to protect your tiara."

Marth refused, so to try and get Marth in the water, Roy used a tactic that could get him killed. He dared to do what would get most people killed, especially if said person was hated by the prince. No one had ever come close to succeeding, they all ended up getting beaten up by Marth.

Roy was unsure if his plan would even work. He had a speed, height and strength advantage, but when Marth was pissed, he was pissed.

The redhead walked towards the Marth and stood close to him. Roy could see that Marth was confused, this was a good sign.

"Marth, I… I'm..." Roy said as he leaned towards Marth.

"Y-you're what?" the prince blushed unaware of what was about to happen.

"Wait, he's really going to do it?" Ike asked Link.

"Seems like it," the blond answered, "I didn't think he'd do it here and now! He could have waited until the dinner was done to get himself killed!"

The two friends in the hot spring watched intensely what was unfolding in front of them. Pit had even returned, all though the angle he was watching from made everything more confusing to him.

"Marth… I'm so sorry! Please don't kill me!" Roy shouted as he grabbed the prince's tiara and threw it in the hot spring.

"My tiara!" Marth screamed, "I'm going to kill you!"

"I said I was sorry," the redhead cried as he jumped in the hot spring.

The blue-haired prince jumped after him but remembered he had to find his tiara. He couldn't see anything because of the steam and was forced to rely on touch. This presented a few problems. The main one being that Marth was one inch too short to reach the bottom of the spring without making his hair wet.

Seeing Roy and Ike effortlessly picking up objects without making their hair wet only rubbed salt in the wound. Marth was still angry at them, mainly Roy though, for getting taller, manlier and leaving him as the shortest and girliest one of the trio.

While Marth was having the worst moment of his life, the other four friends were relaxing and playing. They were seeing who could find the funniest and most interesting object at the bottom of the spring. Roy had found a bow and Pit had found a weirdly shaped rock. Link thought he had found something, but when he picked it up, Pit fell into the water. Link looked at what he had grabbed and noticed it was the angel's foot.

It was Ike's turn to find an object and he found a tiara. He was pretty disappointed and was about to put it back in the water when his friends stopped him.

"That's Marth's tiara!" Pit noted.

"Shit, what do we do now?" Ike asked.

"I guess we can give it back," Roy suggested.

"That would be the logical thing to do, but Marth is pretty angry right now. Maybe if we throw it in his direction while he's not watching, he'll find it and he'll calm down," Link explained.

"All right, let's do this!" Pit said as he grabbed the tiara from Ike's hand.

The angel threw the tiara in Marth's direction. It was about to land close to where Marth was standing, but the prince moved and ended up in the tiara's trajectory. His friends yelled at him to move out of the way, but it was too late. The tiara hit Marth on the head and the prince fell into the water.

"Well, Pit, Roy… It was nice knowing you," Ike smiled.

"What he said," Link said as he ran out of the spring with Ike.

The two abandoned friends slowly turned around to look at the prince that was glaring at them. The two of them were royally screwed.

"M-Marth, I'm so sorry," Pit cried, "It was an accident, I just wanted to give you your tiara back! I'll give you the best meals if you want."

"Y-yeah! I'm s-sorry, Marth," Roy apologized, "I-I'll make it up to you! I'll do whatever you want or I'll buy you anything you want. Just please don't kill me!"

The prince seemed amused by the begging and said he'd think about it. Of course, he would come up with something cruel for them to do. It wasn't as though he was a big softie or anything.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Everyone returned to the dining hall and waited for Pit to bring dinner. The angel returned from the kitchen with burgers. Link and Ike were the only ones talking which was pretty unusual since they were usually the most quiet ones. The others just ate in silence waiting for dinner to be over.

Link and Ike excused themselves to go the bathroom.

Once they were out of sight from the others, they discussed on how to make the dinner less boring.

"They must be really angry at each other," Link sighed, "They're not saying a word."

"We've got to do something, but what?"

"Maybe we can play a game that forces us to speak?"

"Great idea! Which ones do you know?"

"Truth or dare, seven minutes in heaven, spin the bottle-"

"Which appropriate ones do you know?"

"Never have I ever?"


The duo returned to the dinning hall and suggested that everyone play Never have I ever. Surprisingly everyone accepted.

"The first one to lose won't get any dessert. I'll start," Link said, "Never have I ever killed a dragon."

Ike, Roy and Marth glared at Link who laughed.

"My turn!" Pit yelled, "Never have I ever puked after eating."

Roy and Marth turned pale as they remembered the previous dinner.

"Never have I ever," Ike started, "Been the shortest person in a trio of friends."

Ike's statement was met with a lot of disapproval. A lot.

"Uh… Never have I ever had a friend who was shorter than me grow taller than me," Roy smiled nervously.

Marth felt extremely targeted by Roy's statement. He was sure Roy only chose that to brag about how he was now only shorter than Ike.

"Never have I..." Marth glared, "Ever not been a prince."

"Oh, come on!" his friends shouted simultaneously.

The group of friends continued playing for ten minutes. Marth ended up losing and seemed quite happy about it. Pit left to prepare the dessert leaving his friends alone.

"Um, did you guys finish your dinner yesterday?" Link asked nervously.

"No, why?" Marth answered.

"Well… Pit, Ike and I ate it all!"

"It's okay, we really don't mind," Roy smiled.

"Yeah, I'd never say no to someone wanting to eat my food," Marth added.

"Guys, you don't need to pretend to not mind," Ike told his friends.

"We really don't."

Pit returned with four ice creams and strawberry shortcakes. They looked so good that Marth regretted being happy because he lost.

Everyone, except Marth, was eating their dessert happily. Roy noticed Marth seemed sad and offered him a piece of his cake. However, Link stopped him stating that they had all agreed that the loser would get no dessert.

But for once, luck was on Marth's side. A vegetable was walking down a hallway.

"Guys! There's a walking eggplant!" Roy shouted.

Link, Ike and Pit quickly stood up and ran towards it. Roy pushed his plate towards Marth and told him to eat some before the others returned. Marth was about to eat some when the Link, Ike and Pit returned. Roy and Marth froze at their friends return.

"Almost forgot this," Pit said as he took his plate.

Link and Ike also picked up their plates and the trio ran towards the eggplant while eating their cake. Marth and Roy sighed in relief and quickly finished the cake on the plate before catching up with their friends.

"You already finished your cake?" Ike asked Roy.

"Uh, yeah! It was really good so I kinda ate it all in a few bites."

"Everyone, attack that eggplant!" Pit yelled.

Everyone slashed at the vegetable. It was now cut up and dead. However, it had not gone down without a fight. The group of friends were now covered in eggplant.

"I guess we should go home and take a shower," Pit laughed.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Back in the smash mansion, everyone took a shower and met up afterwards.

"That was an eventful dinner," Link smiled.

"Sure was! We killed an eggplant, I almost died and Roy and Marth managed to friendship break up and reconcile in the same evening," Pit yelled in joy.

"Who's turn is it tomorrow?" Roy asked.

"Not mine," Marth answered, "I need to mentally recover."

"All right, Link, you're up."

:.。. o()o .。.*

Later that night, Link was staring at a blank piece of paper.

"I can't come up with anything!" he yelled.

"Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!" Toon Link shouted as Young Link laughed.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Master Hand was looking at his statistics. The last episode had performed better than expected. He knew he was on his way to fame. People were already starting to make merch of his new show and only the first episode had been released.

The hand laughed as he edited the second episode. But not loud enough so that Crazy Hand wouldn't hear anything. He couldn't afford anyone in the Smash Mansion finding out.

Chapter Text

"I'm finally done!" Link smiled in joy as he looked at his completed menu.

He was pretty pleased with his choices. He was sure everyone would enjoy it. The hard part would be getting all the ingredients, but it was worth it if it meant having a great dinner with his friends.

"Can't you go to sleep? It's 3 am!" Toon Link shouted loud enough to wake up Young Link who fell out of his bed.

:.。. o()o .。.*

The next morning, Link woke up feeling like shit. He had never been a morning person. In fact, he loved sleeping so much he once slept for 100 years.

He didn't want the others to go through the trouble of looking for the menu again, so he gave it to Master Hand. The hand understood Link's request and swore he would deliver the menu to the Hylian's friends.

Naturally, Link had no idea that Master Hand had something special planned. Master Hand spent an hour learning to imitate Link's bad handwriting. The viewers had really liked the element of surprise provided by Pit's menu. Master Hand needed to please the fans even if it meant his fighters would suffer. After all, Smash was nothing without its fans.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Link entered the portal created by Palutena after having a light breakfast. He arrived in Hyrule and was hit with nostalgia. It felt nice being back home knowing there was no danger.

However, soon Link noticed something really really really wrong. He didn't actually have a house. He had gotten so used to having food available at all times, he had forgotten he used to hunt and look for it.

Link sighed realizing he was going to have to hunt. He hoped he'd find all the ingredients necessary for what he had planned.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Master Hand, wanting to avoid any suspicion, gave the fake menus to Crazy Hand. He was counting on his crazy brother to deliver the menus and get blamed when everyone noticed the menus were wrong.

Crazy Hand went to the cafeteria in hopes of finding Marth, Roy, Ike and Pit. However, he only found Lucina, Chrom, Richter and Dark Pit. Crazy Hand decided they were similar enough to Marth, Roy, Ike and Pit and gave them the menus.

The four echoes looked at the menus with confusion and threw them in the trash.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Link had managed to find Epona and decided to ride her in order to travel around Hyrule faster. As he traveled, he noticed smoke coming from a forest. He got off Epona and went to inspect the source of the smoke.

The Hylian saw a short teenager sitting next to a fire. The man was dressed in green and had dirty blond hair. He was complaining about his grandfather being late.

Link couldn't help but feel he knew the blond teen. Something about his aura felt familiar. Link approached the teenager to get a closer look. As he saw the stranger's face, he noticed similarities between the teenager and someone he knew.

Link was about to ask the teen his name when another teenager arrived. This one was taller and his hair was golden blond. He was also dressed in green. He looked even more familiar than the other one.

A realization struck Link the more he looked at the two teens in front of him.

"Y-you!" he stuttered in shock as he pointed towards the taller blond, "You're Young Link but old!"

"I'm still in my teens, but yeah… I guess I'm him."

"And you," Link turned towards the other teen, "Your earrings… Your eyes… They're the same as my wolf's."

"I got tired of being a wolf. It's boring," the hero of Twilight sighed, "Grandpa Time told me I could retransform. So now I'm back to my usual hot self."

"Wait, Young Link got laid?"

:.。. o()o .。.*

Young Link woke up sneezing. He went to the cafeteria to fetch a glass of water. While he was in the cafeteria, he ate some snacks.

The young hero of Time was about to throw the wrappers in the trash when he saw some papers peeking out of it. He recognized the handwriting as Link's.

"Why would he throw them here? Did his friends hate his menu?"

Young Link read the menu and noticed it actually looked delicious. He was feeling jealous he hadn't been invited, but he could just ask Link to make him dinner some other day.

The Hylian boy just couldn't wrap his head around why the menus were in the trash. He had to find Link's friends and ask them why they had thrown away the menus.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Link had spent an hour explaining to the two other Links what he was doing with his friends. He avoided saying anything about Super Smash Bros, but it appeared to be working against him. He eventually gave up and told them everything.

"I haven't seen Marth and Roy in forever. I wonder what they look like now," the hero of Time wondered.

"Marth probably looks even more like a girl," the hero of Twilight joked, "If you don't mind, can I beat up Pit once you're done with your dinner?"

"But we still have two more dinners to attend," Link replied nervously, "Anyway, if you two are here, does that mean there are other Links here?"

"Yeah, I think I see them coming!"

More Links entered the forest and sat around the fire. They all looked different and were of different heights.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly until Toon Link entered followed by another Toon Link followed by another Toon Link.

"S-so many Toon Links!" Link shouted before fainting from shock.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Young Link walked around the Smash Mansion looking for Link's friends. While he was walking, he saw Toon Link sneezing a lot. Young Link felt bad for not helping Toon Link, but he was sure Dr. Mario could help him.

Young Link heard some noise coming from the living room and ran to check it out. He found Pit and Ike watching "Come dine with me". The two food lovers were arguing over who had the best dinner.

On the other side of the room, Marth and Roy were playing on their phones. They were talking about IVs, summoning and things Young Link couldn't understand.

"Guys! I have to ask you something!" the Hylian boy shouted.

"What is it?" Pit answered

"Why did you guys throw away the menus Link made? His food choices actually look pretty good."

"We never got the menus, maybe Link threw them in there?"

"Can we look at them?" Ike asked excited to know what he would be having for dinner.

Young Link gave Ike the menu who read it out loud.

"Creamy heart stew for the starter. Gourmet meat and rice bowl as the main dish. Fruitcake for dessert. This looks great! I wonder why this menu would be in the trash?"

"Yay, meat again," Marth said with no emotion.

"I know right, this is so exciting! Link's a great cook, we're going to have a great dinner!"

"Doesn't Link live in the wild? How's he going to make the cake?" Roy asked.

"He'll find a way. He'll probably ask Zelda to let him use her castle's kitchen."

:.。. o()o .。.*

Link felt something on his face. He opened his eyes and saw one of the Toon Links drawing on his face.

"Aw, you woke up… The other Links went to get the ingredients on your list."

"What time is it?" Link asked as he washed his face.

"It's four thirty."

"Crap, I've gotta hurry up!"

Link rushed to start his meals. Luckily, he had chosen meals that didn't take too long to make. He cooked while the other Links arranged the forest to look nicer.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Marth, Roy, Ike and Pit arrived in Hyrule. They were surrounded by grass and unsure of where to go. The only buildings in sight were ruins.

"Did anyone here ever finish playing Breath of the Wild?" Roy asked before Link appeared and ran towards the group.

"Follow me! I'll show you where we'll eat," Link smiled.

The five friends arrived at the fireplace in the forest. Link left to finish his starter while the others were free to do what they wanted.

"What's a creamy heart stew?" Pit asked.

"Probably something made with hearts," Marth answered, "Or it could be some weird metaphor thing. Why didn't you ask Link?"

"He kinda left in a rush."

"He's probably stressed out," Ike sighed, "He's probably worried his food won't be perfect. I'm sure it will be great. Link's one of the best cooks I know."

"If Link is stressed out, what will happen when it's my turn?" Roy asked full of worry, "I'm going to die because of all the stress."

"You'll be fine. You've been through worse."

Link returned with food after five minutes. When Ike saw what Link was carrying, a big smile appeared on his face.

"Meeeaaattt!" the mercenary shouted in joy.

"It smells great," Roy smiled, "Definitely not what I expect. I guess it is too hot for stew."

"Stew?" Link asked in confusion.

"Your menu said we were having creamy heart stew."

"That's weird… Maybe I gave Master Hand the wrong menu."

"We can figure it all out later, we should eat first."

The friends happily ate their skewers. Link was definitely a great cook. He could take the simplest of meals and make them delicious. It was a mystery why Master Hand had never asked Link to cook for the mansion. Poor Mario and Luigi were getting tired of making pizzas every week.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Link had completely forgotten about the entertainment. He was forced to come up with an idea on the spot. Hopefully, no one would die because of it.

The Hylian led his friends to another part of the forest. This part was full of Links. The Links noticed the five friends had entered their part of the forest and quickly ran to greet them.

The hero of Time was the first to reach the group. He pulled Marth and Roy in for a hug.

"I've missed you two! I haven't seen you guys in forever. You guys have changed so much. Roy, you're taller than Marth now."

"Yeah, puberty kinda hit me like a truck," Roy laughed.

"And Marth, you're… Um… Prettier?"

"Yes, I know," Marth smiled proudly before his brain registered what had been said, "Make a princess Martha joke and I'll kill you."

The hero of Twilight was the second Link to reach the group.

"Yo, what is up?"

"Link!? I thought you had had plastic surgery!" Pit shouted in confusion.

"W-what? You thought Wild was me?"

"I guess you two do look different besides eye color. You could easily pass as Young Link's brother though."

"Makes sense, he's my ancestor after all."

"What is it with Smash Bros and weird families?" Ike asked in frustration, "I mean, we're surrounded by at least ten Toon Links."

Hearing this, the Toon Links started attacking Ike with sticks since their swords had been confiscated because they had tried to kill the other Links. The other Links started placing bets on which Toon Link would anger Ike first.

Ike's friends wanted to bet too but they couldn't differentiate any on the Toon Links. They all looked exactly the same. Same hair, same voice, same hat, same personality. It's as though the devs couldn't have been bothered to give them more original designs besides giving a few of them different colored outfits.

They ended up betting on who would win and who the Toon Links would attack next.

"I say Ike wins and the Toon Links throw a tantrum," Pit shouted, "They'll attack Link afterwards."

"No, I think they'll attack you since you think Ike can beat them," Roy disagreed, "Ike's going to show sympathy to the Toon Links and he'll lose on purpose."

"But Ike never shows sympathy."

"What? He shows sympathy all the time. Did you even play Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn?"

"I can't read, so of course, I didn't play them! But, I've never seen him show sympathy to anyone."

"He does all the time! He once even shared his food with me when I made up an obvious lie about my food being off because I thought his looked better. Ike never shares his food with anyone."

"Ike shares food with you? He's never done that with me. He probably believed you and decided he didn't want Master Hand blaming him if you got food poisoning. That or he likes you way more than anyone else that he's fine with sharing his food with you."

While the two of them argued over Ike, Link and Marth were discussing what they wanted to see happen.

"It would be nice if they'd all makeup and get along," Link sighed.

"I know Ike's probably going to win, but I kinda hope he loses," Marth admitted.

"Marth, why?"

"Because they'll target you next and I really want to see the Toon Links beat you up. I'll even help them if they allow it."

"Just what did the previous Links do to make you hate me?"

By the time the bets had been finalized, the Toon Links had proclaimed themselves victorious. They were deciding on their next target. Half of them wanted to attack Link and the other half wanted to attack Pit.

"No way, Ike lost," Pit gasped.

"I let them win," Ike smirked, "I didn't want them to feel the satisfaction of actually beating me."

"Sure," Roy rolled his eyes.

:.。. o()o .。.*

The five friends decided to run away to avoid anything the Toon Links had planned. Link went to get dinner while his friends theorized on what it would actually be.

"It's going to be vegetables, right?" Ike said worried that he would have to eat disgusting vegetables.

"Please, let it be anything that isn't meat. I'm tired of meat," Marth complained.

Link gave everyone their plates. The plates had curry, chicken and rice on them. The smell was so good that everyone was drooling.

Ike sighed in relief that it wasn't vegetables. Marth tried to hide his big smile due to the lack of red meat. The prince naturally failed miserably since Pit was the first one to point out that Marth looked too happy.

The curry was still a bit hot, so everyone waited for it to cool down. Except for Roy who appeared to be completely unaware that the food was hot. The redhead happily ate is his meal.

By the time Roy was done, the others had just started. Luckily Link still had lots of curry left so he gave Roy and Ike, who had quickly finished his food, some more.

Once everyone had finished their dinner, Link brought the most exciting part of every dinner, dessert. He had made honeyed fruits for everyone. They smelled and tasted great.

Everything was going smoothly until they heard a sound coming from a bush. OoT Link and TP Link appeared and told the five friends to run because the Toon Links had gone crazy and decided to attack everyone.

The five friends ran but the Toon Links had managed to catch up. Link attempted to calm down the Toon Links but to no avail. They were too angry to listen to reason.

Marth tried asking the Toon Links if he could join their side, but Roy threatened to set the prince's hair on fire if he betrayed them.

"I miss the Melee days when you were a short idiot and I could get you to do anything," Marth complained.

"I remember when you'd insist on calling your tiara a circlet," Roy recalled, "Oh! Do you remember the time Peach tried to teach us how to cook?"

"Yeah! I hit you with the frying pan and you set the whole kitchen on fire. Are we still banned from using the kitchen?"

"Dunno. Doesn't stop us from still sneaking in to make popcorn."

"Look guys," Pit interrupted, "It's nice that you guys managed to avoid getting in a fight by talking about your good old Melee days. But I think we could use some help against these crazy Toon Links!"

The five friends had managed to fend off the army of Toon Links successfully. OoT Link and TP Link thanked them and asked if they could take photos together as a souvenir.

:.。. o()o .。.*

After taking some photos, the group of friends returned to the smash mansion. They discussed the day's events and came to the conclusion that Master Hand had given Crazy Hand the menus who ended up throwing them away.

"With that out of the way, who's making dinner tomorrow?" Link asked.

"Marth, since I… I have to prepare for a fight with Ephraim," Roy answered.

"Oh, yeah! I also have to prepare for my fight against Hector," Ike remembered.

"Fine, I'll make dinner tomorrow," Marth sighed as he left to prepare a menu.

The room was silent for a minute until Pit asked the real question on everyone's mind.

"Has Marth ever cooked? I remember him mentioning using a pan to hit Roy."

"He'll figure something out," Roy shrugged, "Probably."

:.。. o()o .。.*

Marth finished his menu in no time. He wrote the most complicated meals possible with the vaguest names possible. He wasn't intending on cooking at all, he'd just get someone else to make the food for him. He was the legendary Hero-King after all, even though he hated that title, and kings did not cook.

Marth was about to decide on who he'd ask to cook when he noticed something wrong.

"I don't even act like a prince anymore! I let Roy get away with burning my stuff, I hang out with commoners like Ike, I respect Kirby out of all people… I use so much slang nowadays, I even call my tiara a tiara instead of a circlet. Damn it, if everyone's alive in Archanea like in Tellius, that means my dad will be alive. He's going to be so pissed at me."

The next hour was spent begging Palutena to let him go to Ylisse instead of Altea. The Goddess agreed as she knew exactly why the prince didn't want to return to his homeland.

:.。. o()o .。.*

Master Hand laughed like an evil mastermind as he saw how his show rose in popularity. It was number 1 trending on Dwitter, the deep web version of Twitter. It already had over 1000 fanfictions and over 10000 fanarts. People were theorizing what would happen in the next episode and that just made the hype around the show even bigger.

Master Hand was getting thousands of emails asking for collaborations with him. Some of the most famous people in the industry were begging to collaborate with him.

Naturally, the hand turned them down. He had a show to finish after all.

Master Hand edited the third episode with joy. If he had a face, there would have been a huge grin on his face. Laughs filled the editing room the whole night.

:.。. o()o .。.*

"What are you looking at?" Young Link asked as he saw Link staring at some pictures.

"Photos from the dinner. Look at all these Toon Links," Link laughed as he passed his phone to Young Link.

"That's a lot of them. They all look so angry. Oh, there's a picture of adult me! Who's the Link next to me?"

"That's Twilight Princess Link. He likes referring to you as grandpa."

"That's cute."

"Well, you're technically his great-great-something-grandpa."


Toon Link blushed embarrassed by the idea of having a family and kids while Link laughed. The laughing woke Toon Link up. The angry kid was about to yell at the two to shut up until he noticed what they were laughing about.

"Wait, Young Link got laid?"

Chapter Text



"Marth? Maaaaarrrtthhh? Wake up, sleeping beauty! Princess Martha? Lucina? Peasant? Asshole? Marth, you've gained weight! Peach stole your tiara. Ike's giving you all of his food for a month. Link's kicking you out of our group. I swapped all your clothes with Pit's. Damn it... Marth, say something! Wake up!"


Marth couldn't care less about the complaints and insults. He was way too happy in his bed. Nothing could get him out of his bed. When Marth wanted his beauty sleep, he got his beauty sleep.


The prince was relaxing in his bed. He made sure not to move or open his eyes. He didn't want anyone forcing him out of his bed. But the room's heat was making him consider getting out of bed. Why had it gotten so hot? Marth opened his eyes and saw fire.


"Must be a dream."


The prince closed his eyes and attempted to go back to sleep. But the heat was unbearable. It felt real. Marth had never experienced such a dream. At first, he assumed Mewtwo was messing with him, but the pokemon usually made him dream in yellow and had him do weird things he’d rather not tell anyone about.


"Oh, well, this is just a dream. I'll forget all about it when I wake up."


As he finished his sentence, he heard someone fall and groan in frustration. Probably just some forgettable background character.


The groaning turned into swearing and it started to annoy Marth. But it was better than the heat that had mysteriously vanished.


Suddenly, the groaning stopped. Marth sighed in relief only to regret it later. He felt something touch him. It felt like fingers. Someone was tickling him.


"S-stop it!" he ordered whilst laughing.


"So, are you done acting weird?" Roy asked as he stopped tickling Marth, "It's almost eleven and you haven't had breakfast yet. You do know it's your turn to cook tonight, right?"


Marth had completely forgotten. He had overslept. He didn't know if he'd even have time to find the best cooks in Ylisse. He could just force some random peasant to cook for him in the worst case scenario.


Marth gave Roy the menus before getting dressed and rushing out of his room.


The redhead read the menu with confusion. He didn't think the other guys would even know what half the things on it were. All the dishes had weird fancy names and were extremely complex. How was Marth going to cook everything on the menu by himself?


:.。. o()o .。.*


"And make sure Sumia can make pies better than in canon."


"Is that all, Marth?" Palutena asked tired of all of Marth's requests.


"You also have to make sure Priam doesn't exist. It took me an hour to explain Richter to Simon, I am not wasting a year of my life explaining Priam to Ike."


"Anything else?"


"Make sure Chrom, Lucina and Morgan never ever call me Grandpa."


"Are we done?"


"I've still got 1990 requests."


Palutena slammed her head into the table in despair.


:.。. o()o .。.*


Roy found Link, Ike and Pit in the living room. For once, Come Dine with Me wasn't on. Instead, a Gordon Ramsay cooking show was being shown. Link and Pit were going on and on about how great the chef's techniques were while Ike just nodded unable to understand what was actually going on.


Roy interrupted the trio's TV time to show them the menus. As expected, none of them understood anything. Pit couldn't even read what was written but that's because he's illiterate and never learned how to read.


"Agnolotti for starter. Cornish Skate for main course. Millefeuille for dessert. What are these foods?" Ike asked.


"Something Italian, something with corn and something French," Link guessed.


"Eh, close enough," Roy sighed as his friends discussed what on Earth they were going to eat.


:.。. o()o .。.*


Bored of his friends' ramblings, Roy went to the kitchen to get something to eat. When he got there, he saw someone who shouldn't be there.


"Marth, why are you still here?"


"I'm looking for ingredients. I don't think I'll be able to find everything I need in Ylisse."


"Just make up something, the others have no idea what you're making."


"Of course, they don't know what I'm making. But I know what I'm having for dinner and I'm making sure it's perfect."


"I'm sure they won't mind if it's not perfect. It's not as though we've ever actually known what we'd eat since we started this."


Roy was unaware that Marth wasn't actually planning on doing anything. He assumed the prince was in a dorky mood or something. Dorky Marth was more fun to hang out with than angry Marth or bitchy Marth, but neither Marth nor Roy had time to hang out.


:.。. o()o .。.*


Marth had finally finished all his preparations and arrived in Ylisse. He quickly made his way to the Royal Castle and made his presence known.


He gracefully walked down the hallways while everyone greeted him and smiled. Marth knew they loved him, he was their beloved Hero-King after all.


"Hi!" Inigo greeted, "Is it me or do you look prettier today, Lucina? Your chest seems bigger and your curves look nicer. Who knew a haircut and a wardrobe change could make someone look way better?"


"That fucking bitch!" Marth shouted in anger shocking everyone in the castle.


:.。. o()o .。.*


Palutena was helping Isabelle make flower crowns for Cloud. Isabelle had finished her first crown and wanted to see what Cloud looked like with it. She put it on the blond's head and smiled proud of her creation.


Right at that moment, Palutena, thanks to her clairvoyance, saw what was happening in Ylisse and burst out laughing. She tried to explain that she wasn't laughing at Cloud or at Isabelle's crown, but failed miserably.


:.。. o()o .。.*


After an hour of apologizing and explaining, Marth finished recruiting his chefs. He took out his iPhone and showed them the recipes. Everyone was impressed... with the iPhone, not the recipes.


"Wow, what is that?" Sumia asked staring in awe at the phone, "It's like a magical book."


"I've never seen something like that," Miriel admitted, "I'll have to take a closer look at it for science."


"Right, I forgot there haven't been any technological advancements after 2000 years," Marth sighed, "Forget about it and just cook."


"Yes, Hero-King!" all the cooks said in unison.


Marth smirked as he saw everyone get to work. His friends were going to love his food. All he had to do was come up with some entertainment and he would win the competition.


"Wait, is this even a competition?" Marth asked himself.


:.。. o()o .。.*


"Link, I'm bored!" Pit complained as he mindlessly changed TV channels.


"It's not my fault Ike and Roy are doing their fight gauntlet things."


"Don't you think it's been pretty noisy today?"


"Yeah, I think it's coming from the garden."


The two short friends went to the garden where they saw a very angry Cloud and a very angry Isabelle (or at least as angry as she could get which wasn't much). The two were glaring at Palutena who insisted she hadn't been laughing at them.


"Lady Palutena, what's happening?" Pit asked with concern.


"I saw something funny with my clairvoyance and laughed at the worst time possible."


"I have an idea!" Link smiled, "Why don't you guys settle your differences with a fight? It's not as though there's anything else to do. Plus, it will give Isabelle an opportunity to practice."


:.。. o()o .。.*


Marth ordered Nowi, Henry, Lon'qu and Olivia to decorate the dining room while he did nothing. The group appeared to be having fun, except for Lon'qu. The swordsman appeared bored out of his mind and confused as to why he had to decorate.


None of that mattered to Marth, he was even more bored. The prince was so bored, he went for a walk hoping everyone would mess up so that his day would be more interesting. As he walked down a hallway, everything went pitch black before returning to normal.


"Did you notice that?" Marth asked a guard that was standing in the hallway.


"Notice what?"


"Never mind, must have been my imagination."


:.。. o()o .。.*


The sudden darkness had nothing to do with Marth's imagination. It was all due to Palutena getting her ass kicked by an edgy blond and the happiest dog ever.


Isabelle was having fun testing out her moves on Palutena. She was using party poppers, fishing rods and Lloids. Meanwhile, Cloud was just beating up Palutena as though it was the most normal thing ever.


"This is so one-sided," Pit complained, "Only Isabelle seems to be having fun."


"That's what happens every time someone teams up with Cloud," Link sighed as he watched the boring fight, "His team obliterates the opposing team."


"Poor Palutena is facing Isabelle and Cloud alone… Why did she insist on me watching?"


Link shrugged and continued to watch the fight with Pit until Palutena lost all her stocks.


:.。. o()o .。.*


Pit was trying to cheer up Palutena while Link just sat there awkwardly. The room's atmosphere was awkward. Even this paragraph is awkward.


The awkwardness was interrupted by two laughing voices belonging to everyone's favorite Fire Emblem guys.


"That was awesome even though Ephraim kicked our asses!" Ike grinned.


"I know! Veronica was so strong. I was so scared that Ephraim would lose against her."


"But Ephraim doesn't pick fights he can't win. I'm sure Chrom will be happy to hear that Ephraim won."


"Who's Ephraim?" Pit asked.




"Forget Ephraim," Link interrupted, "We need to go or we'll be late."


The four friends were transported to Ylisse thanks to a depressed Palutena's portal.


:.。. o()o .。.*


Marth was dying of boredom. He had nothing to do. He was so bored he started thinking of ways to ruin everything for the sake of having fun.


Luckily, the guards announced that his friends had arrived before he got up to ruin everything.


Marth ran towards the entrance despite all the guards staring at him. He greeted his friends and led them to the dining hall.


It took twenty minutes for them to arrive since Marth kept getting lost. But they all made it in one piece.


Marth left to check on the kitchen while his friends debated whether exploring the castle was a good idea or a terrible idea.


:.。. o()o .。.*


"How are the preparations going?" Marth asked.


"We're almost done!" Sumia smiled.


"What the hell are those ugly plates? Inigo, go get some nice ones!"


"A-are these ones okay?" Inigo stuttered as he showed the prince some blue plates.




Marth looked around the kitchen for some spotless white plates. After making at least half the cooks cry, he found the perfect plates.


He ordered Stahl to place the food on the plates in the exact same way as on the phone's pictures. After failing and having to wash the dishes ten times, he finally managed to get it right.


But Marth was now faced with a new problem. How was he supposed to bring the plates to his friends?


:.。. o()o .。.*


"I know how we can decide!" Link smirked, "Rock-paper-scissors."


"But we're four!" Pit argued.


"Yeah, so? If I win, we explore the castle. If you win, we don't. If Ike wins, we scare Marth in the kitchen. If Roy wins, we set the castle on fire."


"So, if we don't want to die, we need to lose on purpose, right?" Ike asked Roy.


"Yep, that's the plan," the redhead sighed.


After ten minutes of ties, the last men standing were Ike and Roy. The two had taken a "toilet break" to discuss a way to keep getting ties by only using rock.


Pit and Link were really into it. They were impressed by the wills of their friends. They couldn't wait to see who would be the first to stop using rock.


Sadly, Marth interrupted the game by putting food on the table. His friends had been so distracted that they hadn't even noticed him running back and forth towards the kitchen to bring each plate one by one.


The four guests stared at the plates with excitement. The pasta dish Marth had brought looked and smelled delicious. It was like a meal straight out of a Gordon Ramsey restaurant.


"I didn't know you could cook," Link said as he stuffed his face with pasta.


"Yeah, me neither," Marth replied.


"It's like you're becoming more and more normal with time," Pit noted, "You even swear now. I didn't know non-evil royalty could swear until I met you."


"And I didn't know angels couldn't fly until I met you."


"I'm pretty sure Marth is just becoming more and more insane with time," Roy argued, "Back in Melee, he wouldn't consider me setting the room on fire as normal."


"What are you talking about? Our room is never on fire.”


“And one year ago, he’d actually notice the fire...”


:.。. o()o .。.*


Marth took the empty plates back to the kitchen. He made sure Cordelia cleaned them properly.


While she cleaned, Marth made sure the cornish skate was perfect. Marth had never had Cornish skate and had no idea how it was supposed to be made. But that wasn't his problem, he wasn't doing any cooking. He was just there to boss people around.


After ten minutes, the cornish skate was finally ready and nicely placed on top of the plates. Luckily for Marth, his friends were extremely distracted by an intense game of rock-paper-scissors, so he took his time getting the plates to the table.


Once again, his friends were enamored by the smell of the food. The smell was so great that they didn't even bother asking why there was no corn in the dish.


Everyone happily ate the meal that looked as if it had been made by Gordon Ramsey. If this was Food Wars, everyone would be having inappropriate fantasies.


:.。. o()o .。.*


Once everyone had finished eating, Marth cleared the table and announced it was for the entertainment. No one heard what he said because Pit yelled about wanting to see who would win in rock-paper-scissors.


Pit insisted that ten minutes should be dedicated to playing rock-paper-scissors. Marth, having no actual idea what he could do to entertain his guests, happily agreed to the angels proposition.


Since Marth was also playing, Pit decided that his victory would mean doing whatever he had planned. Which was nothing, not that he knew or anything.


As the first round started, Roy and Ike gave each other a look that screamed “We’ve gotta lose this no matter what”. They didn’t want to die young unlike certain Fire Emblem characters. They still had shit to live for.


It took Marth exactly two seconds to get disqualified. He had used scissors while Ike and Roy has both chosen rock. Annoyed, he returned to the kitchen to check on the cake while his friends continued to play.


:.。. o()o .。.*


“What do you mean the cakes already done?” Marth yelled at Sumia, “This is why Chrom didn’t choose you, you can’t follow orders.”


“I-I’m so sorry Hero-King,” Sumia apologized avoiding the angry prince’s glare, “B-but I’m not the one who made the cake.”


“... Oh.”


“I made it!” Morgan smiled as he ran into the kitchen, “Do you think mom and dad would be proud of me?”


“Seeing as how you’re not in Smash Bros with them, I’d say no.”


It didn’t really matter to Marth if the cake was done too early or not. He just likes bossing people around since his friends had reached that point in their friendship where they can’t get bossed around. And it’s not as though he had an entertainment planned.


:.。. o()o .。.*


As Marth returned with cake, Ike and Roy sighed in relief that they didn’t have to play anymore. Link had stopped caring but Pit was really disappointed and urged his friends to eat fast.


Ike and Roy made sure to take their time despite Pit’s intense stares. Honestly, only Link and Marth seemed to be enjoying themselves.


“Why’s Pit so into this game?” Marth asked.


“Because he wants to know what we’ll do,” Link explained, “If Ike wins, we scare you in the kitchen and if Roy wins, we set the castle on fire.”


Marth’s face went pale as he heard what would happen if either of his friends won. He was really screwed because either way his friends would learn that he hadn’t done shit.


Link assumed Marth had gotten upset because he though his friends were making fun of him and reassured him that Ike and Roy were probably using rock on purpose at this point.


Ike was mentally begging someone to kill him while Roy cried internally about being unable to feel his clenched hand. They didn’t want to play anymore but that wouldn’t stop Pit from insisting they continue.


:.。. o()o .。.*


“How much longer is this going to last?” Marth complained, “I love using my iPhone but I’m getting bored of it.”


“Poor Roy, he’ll barely get any time to prepare a menu. We should probably let him surprise us.”


“I guess we’re used to surpri- Oh, my fucking god that fucking peice of shit stupid ass shit game. That’s it, we’re burning this place down.”


Link didn’t get why Marth had suddenly gotten upset until he looked at his phone. Poor Marth, he really had bad luck.


The two hundredth round of just rock at this point was about to start. Pit was staring intensely and sang the rock-paper-scissors chant as his two friends agonized.


Before the chant finished, Marth kicked Roy across the room leaving his friends speechless.


“You used paper!” Pit pointed out, breaking the silence.


“Great let’s go burn this castle!” Marth cheered gaining confused looks from his friends, “What? Is there something on my face?”


:.。. o()o .。.*


There’s no better feeling in the world than walking with your four best friends in the world as the sun sets and your ancestors’ castle burns in the background while innocent civilians cry for help.


It’s not as though that universe was real anyway. So in Marth’s opinion, what he and his friends had just done was completely acceptable. Everything was just an illusion made by Palutena. Probably.


:.。. o()o .。.*


After taking their showers, the five friends met up to discuss the dinner. It had been a somewhat surprisingly enjoyable meal.


“I’m looking forward to eating at your place,” Ike told Roy, “I bet you’ve already got a whole dinner planned out.”


“Um... I don’t know. I’m sure it will suck, it’s not as though I know anything about cooking.”


“If it makes you feel better, I only learned how to cook in a few hours,” Pit said in a failed attempt to reassure the redhead.


“B-but... It took me years to get good at Smash, how am I going to get good at cooking in a few hours?”


“Worst case scenario, we don’t like it and we laugh it off,” Link smiled, “I’m sure you’ll at least have a nice entertainment to make up for the meal.”


Ike and Marth wanted to reassure Roy by telling him that they didn’t know how to cook either but they had to keep the illusion going. So poor Roy remained convince he was the only one who sucked at cooking.


:.。. o()o .。.*


Master Hand laughed his ass off as he checked the previous episode’s ratings. The show had become mainstream on the dark web. Everyone was talking about it and loving it.


He loved all the attention his show had been receiving. The fans were looking forward to seeing the next episode. They wouldn’t stop theorizing about what was going to happen next.


Master Hand was excited to edit the new episode. He had gotten pretty much the whole day off because Marth was insane enough that no interfering was necessary to make the show interesting.


The night was spent laughing and editing while telling Crazy Hand to not enter his room. This show was his little secret after all.


:.。. o()o .。.*


I wonder if I’ll get to find out who my mom is? I hope dad’s doing fine. Hopefully, Hector won’t throw Armads at me. Maybe I’ll get so see what Lyn looks like as an old woman. Will dad be proud of my growth spurt?


“Wait, I need to get the menu done!” Roy yelled, waking himself and his roommates up.


“Damn it, Roy,” Ike yelled back, “Go to sleep.”


“It’s okay, I’m almost done!”


“Sure, you are,” Marth yawned, “It’s not like you’re yelling about needing to get your menu done at 2 am or anything.”


Roy didn’t know what to write down. He didn’t know what was easy to make. He didn’t even know what ingredients were available in Elibe. He was really screwed.


Roy spent the whole night looking at cooking books to try and find out what he could make. He wanted to cry but he couldn’t waste his time. He couldn’t fail his friends.


But it was okay because he was ensuring a great episode for Master Hand. His fans were eager to see someone fuck up a meal.

Chapter Text

“I’m finally done!” Roy smiled as he looked at his completed menu with pride, “Now I can go sleep!”

“Good morning, Roy,” Ike greeted as he walked past the redhead to go take a shower.

“Good mor- It’s morning already!? You mean I didn’t get any sleep?”

“If it makes you feel better, you can cook tomorrow and take today off. I’m sure the others won’t mind.”

Roy wanted to faint dramatically, he didn’t because he wasn’t a drama queen like Marth, but he still really wanted to.

He would have accepted Ike’s suggestion if he was thinking rationally. But sleep deprivation doesn’t let you think straight, thus Roy absolutely refused to take the day off claiming it was unfair to the others.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


While Roy was preparing some ingredients, his friends were discussing his weird state.

“I really think he should just spend the whole day sleeping,” Ike told his friends, “He looks like shit.”

“But we can’t force him to sleep,” Link sighed, “He’ll probably beat himself up or something if that happens.”

“Marth, you’ve known him the longest. Don’t you think there’s anything we have to worry about?”

“He’s always like this before something important,” Marth admitted, “He’ll be fine… Probably. Depends what he’s planning on making. What is he making?”

“He’s making BBQ chicken wings for the starter.”

“Nothing to worry about.”

“Pizza for the main course.”

“Worst case scenario, it will be burnt. Should be fine.”

“Waffles for dessert.”

“Never mind, we need to stop him.”

There was silence in the room until Pit broke it to say that he liked Roy’s menu and was looking forward to visiting Pherae.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Roy had finished gathering his ingredients and a waffle making machine. He entered Palutena’s portal and arrived in Pherae.

When he arrived at his old house, he saw his dad who was looking surprisingly healthy which wasn’t normal. He looked like he had gotten younger which was slightly creepy but Roy shrugged it off. It didn’t really matter to him. The redhead ran towards his father who gave him a big bear hug.

“F-father, I can’t breathe,” Roy stuttered as he gasped for air.

“Sorry, Roy,” Eliwood apologized as he let go of his son, “My, you’ve grown so much. I didn’t know fifteen-year-olds could grow so fast. You’ve grown like twenty centimeters in two weeks! Must be from your mother’s side of the family, I never grew that fast.”

“I’m not fif- Never mind, um... I’m bringing some friends over this afternoon. Is that okay?”

“Of course! I’m sure your mother would love to meet them.”

“Mother is here?”

Eliwood pointed to a door which Roy opened.

As Roy entered the new room, he was greeted by four women, Ninian, Lyn, Fiora and village maiden. All four possibly his mom.

The redhead had no idea which one was his actual mom, so he decided to just run and shout “mom” to see which one was his.

It turned out the four ladies all thought Roy was their son, so they started fighting with each other over him. Roy tried to get them to stop but they didn’t listen.

The redhead asked his dad who his mom was but it turned out Eliwood had been drunk and he couldn’t remember who was the mother.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


The atmosphere in the living room was extremely tense that it was scaring fighters away. Only Pit appeared to be unaffected, he was enjoying a cooking show while his friends were deep in thought.

“Maybe we should just tell him we love his food even if we hate it,” Link suggested only to be met with disagreements.

“Roy wouldn’t fall for that,” Marth informed his friend, “He’d probably feel even worse and beat himself up.”

“So, do we give him constructive criticism or something?” Ike asked, “He’d probably like that more than lies. But I’m not sure how well he’d take it.”

The three friends sighed in unison as they struggled to find a solution to their problem. Once again, the room was full of silence if you ignored the TV.

“Why don’t we just ask Palutena to make sure Roy’s food tastes good no matter what?” Pit said breaking the silence once again.

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Ike remarked.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Roy was preparing the dough for his pizza. The YouTube tutorial made it look way easier than it actually was. The redhead wanted to give up but he didn’t. He didn’t want to let his friends down. They had all put so much effort into their food, he couldn’t be the only one slacking off.

He was sure it would have been much easier if his father hadn’t decided to check on him every ten minutes. He always had to stop what he was doing, fake a smile and lie to him.

“Roy, are you-”

“I’m doing fine, father.”

“Do you not want some-”

“I’m doing fine by myself.”

“Do you want to play Fire Emblem Heroes later? I think our legendary alts would make a great team!”

“We don’t have legendary alts. Now, could you please leave? I’m trying to make pizza dough.”

Roy was becoming passive-aggressive and it was only a matter of time before he snapped. He was already starting to slam the door. Soon he’d be yelling at his dad.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


“Please?” Pit begged to Palutena, “Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top?”

“I can’t modify the world while someone’s in it,” the green-haired goddess told her angel, “What if something happens? The world could get messed up.”

“It’s worth the risk!”

The goddess sighed, it was going to be a really long day for her once again.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


After somehow surviving the process of making pizza dough, Roy decided it was time to start his BBQ chicken. Naturally, it was easier said than done. The redhead had no idea how one was supposed to operate a BBQ machine. Based on the little knowledge he had of BBQs, he was sure he needed a heat source.

He looked at the Binding Blade thinking he could start a small fire with it but ultimately decided against using it. He was way too used to making big fires and explosions with it, he’d end up making the kitchen explode by accident if he used it.

Instead, Roy thought using a fire tome was a better idea. He wasn’t allowed to use magic because his teacher told him he was going to suck at it. So there was no way he could do anything more than light a fire big enough to light up a candle. Nothing could go wrong.

The next hour was spent contemplating the fact that water tomes didn’t exist in Elibe and the cost of having the kitchen repaired. But since Eliwood was too nice and his four “wives” were all still trying to get on Roy’s good side, no one scolded the redhead who still felt extremely bad for having destroyed the kitchen.

Thank God, Hector wasn’t there.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Ike, Link, Marth and Pit were all sitting around a table having a very serious and important discussion about who was going to pay Palutena.

“I think Marth should pay,” Link told his friends, “He has more money than all of us combined.”

“What!?” the prince yelled, “But it was Pit’s idea, not mine. Why should I pay? I never agreed to this.”

“I have an idea let’s play rock-pa-” Pit smiled before being cut off by Ike.

“No, that’s a shi- I mean, that’s a boring idea. Why don’t we pay after the dinner?”

“What do you mean?”

“The person with the worst dinner out of all of us will pay.”

Since the four friends were assholes, they all agreed with Ike’s idea.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


It was finally time for dinner. Roy’s friends had all arrived at the entrance of Roy’s place. The redhead ran out to greet them but as he reached his friends, his heart skipped a beat. An axe had flown mere millimeters next to him nearly ending his life.

“Oh, Hector is here!” Eliwood cheered as he ran to comfort his traumatized son, “I was so excited about you bringing friends over that I just had to invite Hector.”

“Dad, he hates me,” Roy cried, “He keeps trying to kill me!”

“One of these days I actually will,” Hector smirked as he picked up Armads, “I’m completely justified! Look at what you did to Lilina. You made her cut her hair and steal the sword that belongs to that girl… Wait, no… I think it was a guy, the one people only want to see win so he can take off his pants.”

“That’s Marth.”

“So, the tall guy must be Lilina! You turned her into a buff dude!”

“That’s Ike, you two fought a few days ago.”

“What? I haven’t seen him since 2018. I guess blonde one is Lilina. You made her get ear surgery!”

“That’s Link.”

“What is he going to say about me?” Pit asked since he was really looking forward to what the blue-haired lord had to say, “Is he going to say something about me not being able to read?”

“That idiot is Pit.”



☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Roy led his friends to the dining room and left them to their antics so he could finish preparing the chicken. However, he wasn’t really sure how to make it now that the kitchen didn’t exist.

The redhead figured out he could just season the chicken and make his friends roast the chicken themselves. It would be like one of those Japanese barbecue places.

Roy decided the best thing to set on fire was the fire tome he had used to destroy the kitchen. He carefully set the book on fire and threw it into a pot before taking it to the dining room.

“That’s a unique decoration,” Pit told his friend, “Really reminds me of you with all the fire.”

“It’s a fire to roast the chicken,” Roy corrected him, “I thought it would be fun if we all roasted it together!”

The five friends put the chicken above the fire and waited for it to roast. However, Link had to go to the toilet and thus the only person with any experience was gone.

“When do we take it off?” Marth asked, “I don’t know anything about cooking. What if it’s burnt?”

“I only know how to make burgers!” Pit screamed, “I never learned how to roast chicken! Maybe someone should taste it to be sure.”

“But what if it’s undercooked?” Ike told Pit, “Someone might die. I can eat anything, so I wouldn’t be able to tell if it’s safe for you guys. I say Marth tastes it.”

“What!?” the prince shouted, “No, way. I’m not dying because of a chicken! If I’m dead, none of you get to do any cool stuff since no one will have the money.”

“Roy’s rich too and he’s making dinner so we can’t sacrifice him. Pit’s pretty useless, so you’re the only one who can do this. If you die, only Roy will miss you.”

Pit and Roy nodded in agreement and thus Marth was forced to taste the chicken. The prince was slightly scared but as he ate it, he noticed it tasted surprisingly good. Like really good. It was the best chicken he had ever eaten in his entire life which wasn’t much since he was only nineteen, but still.

Seeing that Marth liked the chicken, his three friends decided the chicken was safe for consumption. Naturally, they completely forgot to save any of it for Link.

Not that Link minded, he was sure the chicken was undercooked. But he didn’t say anything, he didn’t want his friends freaking out.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Through sheer luck, the kitchen’s oven had survived the explosion allowing Roy to bake his pizzas. He took out the dough he had made earlier and formed things that didn’t resemble circles at all.

Roy was sure his pizza was going to suck balls, so he needed to make sure the presentation was good to make up for the taste. However, it was easier said than done. Roy was complete trash at working with dough. He had no baking or cooking experience and had no idea what he was doing.

The redhead wanted to cry. No matter what he did, he just couldn’t get the dough to look like a pizza. All of his efforts were in vain. Annoyed and frustrated, he threw the roller he was using to knead the dough against the wall which broke it.

Roy was screaming on the inside, but he kept his cool composure on the outside. He gave up trying to get perfect circles and proceeded to get the tomato sauce and cheese. This part was easy and relaxing which Roy enjoyed.

The only thing left to do before putting the pizzas in the oven was to put more toppings. Most of the food had been burned, but a few ingredients survived.

Once he was done, Roy shoved the pizzas in the pitiful excuse for an oven and set a timer on his phone.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


The five friends walked around Roy’s place before walking into a room where Eliwood, his four wives and Hector were all sitting and drinking.

“Which one of those is your mom?” Pit asked only to be met with a shrug, “I know! We can guess. I say it’s the one no one recognizes!”

“I think Ninian makes the most sense,” Ike said.

“No, Fiora makes more sense,” Link told Ike, “If Roy was part dragon, he wouldn’t look older than his age. Isn’t it an unspoken Fire Emblem rule that every dragon looks younger than their actual age?”

“You’re all wrong!” Marth yelled shutting up his friends, “I’m betting everything on Lyn. The reason Lyn isn’t in Binding Blade is obviously that she was busy training to be an assist trophy in Smash. Plus, they’re both fifteen at the beginning of their games. Although their ages have been getting messed up lately.”

“Wait, you’re telling me Lyn isn’t actually legal?”

Roy wanted to stop his friends from arguing but it looked like everyone was really into it, even his four moms had joined in. Hector and Eliwood were too drunk to care.

Feeling defeated, Roy went to check on the pizzas. They seemed edible which was good enough for him.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


After somehow getting his friends to stop arguing by mentioning food, it was time to eat pizza! The pizzas were completely messy and the crust was covered in black spots. Roy apologized at least twenty times for making shitty pizzas before claiming it wasn’t his fault most of the ingredients caught fire.

“Stop johning, Roy, and give us the pizzas!” Marth shouted.

“I’m not johning!” Roy yelled back, “Take your pizza! I made it smaller than the others just for you!”

“Great, because it’s going to be disgusting!” Marth glared at his best friend before taking a piece of his pizza, “I don’t want to eat more trash than necessary.

It wasn’t like Roy’s pizza would be any good. The crust, also known as the most important part of the pizza, was burnt, no way it could be tolerable.

‘Alright, Marth, don’t be intimidated,’ Marth thought as he bit the pizza, ‘Just imagine there’s pineapple on it.’

“Wait, there really is pineapple on it!” the prince said as a small smile appeared on his face, “I love- I mean, I hate pizza hawaii. Your pizza sucks, Roy!”

“Roy, you said we would have pizza!” Link complained, “This isn’t pizza!”

“Just take off the pineapple like I did,” Ike scolded, “He might have shit taste in pizza, but that doesn’t mean his pizza isn’t pizza!”

“Yeah!” Pit agreed, “But Roy’s got good taste in pizza. Pizza hawaii is great.”

“It’s not my favorite but I like it,” Roy added, “It’s also Marth’s favorite pizza.”

Link rolled his eyes and took off the pineapple, but the pizza still tasted disgusting. Pit, Marth and Roy were all enjoying their pizzas. However, the Hylian noticed Ike wasn’t actually touching his pizza.

“Why does it taste gross even without the pineapple?” he whispered to Ike, “Didn’t Palutena say she’d make anything taste good?”

“Maybe, there’s some required condition like liking the food we’re eating. Let’s sneak out and get some real food.”

“We just need to get rid of the pizzas first.”

“Pit, do you want some of my pizza?” Ike spoke up, “Some of it still has pineapple flavor on it.”

“No, way!” the angel gasped, “You’re sharing food with me? Have I been promoted to your favorite of the group.”

“Ike, are you okay?” Marth asked, “You chose to share your food with Pit over Roy. How am I going to force Mario to make a meal all over again if you don’t share with him?”

“Why do you always do that?”

“Oh, it’s funny seeing Mario’s face when I tell him he’s giving Roy better treatment when we’re both from Melee.”

“So, Mario doesn’t actually give you rotten food?” Roy glared, “Mind explaining more?”

“Um… Hey! Where did Ike and Link go?”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Link and Ike had luckily stumbled across a pile of bread and meat somewhere in the cellar. After having a nice meal (they ate everything), they returned to the dining room where Pit, Roy and Marth were waiting for them.

“Sorry, we got lost,” Link lied, “This place is pretty big.”

“It’s okay!” Roy smiled, “We made sure to not touch your food. I can warm it up for you.”

“That’s a great idea. Luckily you still have that fire from earlier.”

“I’ll warm our pizzas up,” Ike said as he grabbed the pizzas and threw them in the fire, “Oops, my hands slipped. How sad. Our pizzas are gone.”

Ike and Link hadn’t expected Roy to get so upset at the sight of the burning pizzas. The sleep-deprivation was really getting to him and he was almost about to burst into tears.

“Hey, you don’t need to get upset,” Ike reassured Roy as he patted his head, “You can always make more pizza in the mansion. Why don’t you go make dessert?”

“Yeah, it’s not like we’ll die,” Link smiled as he failed at patting the tall redhead’s head, “Now, go make us some awesome waffles.”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Roy managed to make the mix for the waffles with relative ease. The tricky part was turning the mix into waffles. Luckily some very nice people were willing to help!

Fiora had succeeded at making a waffle but the strawberries she had put on it looked like they had been blown by the wind. Ninian somehow managed to freeze her waffle rock-solid. Village maiden made a plain normal waffle, nothing special. Lyn broke the table she was using to cut her strawberries because she used a sword, her waffle ended up not even looking like a waffle. Roy was about to make his waffle, but Eliwood insisted he had to be the one to make it and Roy ended up with a burnt waffle.

Roy was way too tired to make more waffles and decided to just take the waffles and give them to his friends. No one complained because they tasted good thanks to Palutena’s magic and Roy looked completely on edge.

“Why the fuck was I not allowed to make a waffle?” a drunk Hector shouted as he stormed into the dining room, “It’s 2019, I should be allowed to make waffles!”

“It’s not 2018?” a very confused Pit asked, “I thought I was good at Math...”

“You guys are from the past… Oho! That explains a lot! I might as well spoil you. You don’t do anything, Pit.”

“Aw… I thought I’d get to do so much cool stuff.”

“Link doesn’t do anything either if it makes you feel better. But he is getting a sequel.”

“Yay!” Link cheered, “What are the others up to?”

“Ike just goes around playing Ultimate. He did way better at the start but he’s still good. He’s still kicking ass in Heroes. He even got a Valentine’s alt.”

“Wow, I look so stupid in those clothes,” Ike complained as Hector showed him a picture of his alt.

“Marth turned into a depressed Melee elitist after Master Hand stopped letting him go to tournaments because he was being a bitch. He also lost to my man, Eliwood, in Choose Your Legends 3, and he’s projected to lose again next year.”

“Whatever!” Marth pouted in an attempt to hide his sadness, “No one deserves to see me pantless. I’m not even the same Marth as pantless Marth.”

“Roy’s being a real son of a bitch, he goes around telling people he’s just mid-tier and way worse than Chrom despite being the best out of you guys. He also got a Legendary alt before my man Eliwood and stole his clothes. Again! And his friends are still waiting for him at the beach!”

Hector continued to rant about how much he hated Roy which made the redhead leave to make more waffles. Eliwood asked if he could help, but Roy said no. Nevertheless, Eliwood didn’t stop insisting he should help since it was his duty as a father.

Roy was about to burst in anger. His father’s nagging was making him want to scream externally in addition to internally. He was barely keeping his cool and the sleep-deprivation was not helping.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


After eating too many burnt waffles, the five friends were ready to leave. But before that, Roy had to be hugged by his moms and by Eliwood.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” Eliwood told his son as he squished him in a huge bear hug, “My baby boy is growing too fast.”

“Dad, shut up!” Roy yelled as he escaped his dad’s grasp, “I’m not a fucking baby anymore!”

“He’s finally going through the ‘I hate my parents’ phase,” Marth cried, “I’m so proud of him. Roy’s not our boy anymore, he’s our man.”

“Marth, really?” Link told his friend with a confused glance, “Out of all the things you could cry about, it had to be this?”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Link, Marth, Roy, Ike and Pit all sat on a sofa in the Smash Mansion’s living room to discuss very important matters. They needed to figure out who was going to pay Palutena. However, since they couldn’t rate everything correctly because of recency bias and unfortunate accidents, they were stuck.

“Why don’t we have Lady Palutena judge who’s the best?” Pit suggested, “We can all cook a huge dinner tomorrow!”

Since Pit’s friends were half-asleep, they all agreed.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


What they didn’t know was that Master Hand heard everything and was already planning everything. He had contacted Kirby, Mario and Palutena to be the judges and had even prepared a special ten-course menu for the occasion.

It would be the biggest episode of the series. The last episode had done fantastic and his fans had loved the craziness. They were looking forward to the next episode. Master Hand was breaking records in the underground industry and had been nominated for many awards.

But ain’t nobody got time for that, the hand needed to edit the new episode. He laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed the whole night.

Crazy Hand assumed he had gone insane.

He was wrong. Master Hand was perfectly sane. He knew what he was doing and he knew how to exploit everyone for money. He was just having a better week than usual.

Chapter Text

After a long night of rest, Link, Pit, Roy, Marth and Ike met up to discuss the dinner with Palutena. The goddess said she had invited Kirby and Mario to be judges so that the judging would be fairer.

The group of friends was really impressed at how seriously the goddess was taking everything, she had even built a venue in the cafeteria and had arranged for all the other fighters to eat dinner in a restaurant. It was almost like they were in a TV show!


Palutena, Kirby and Mario took their places on the set and proceeded to read a ten-course menu. They proceeded to explain how the rest of the evening would go.

“We’ll randomly choose two of you to make a course,” the goddess of light explained, “You have to work together if you want to succeed. You’ll be graded on teamwork, presentation and taste. The person to earn the highest scores wins something. Second place wins something that’s not as nice. Third place gets something less cool. Fourth place doesn’t get anything. Loser has to pay me.”

“There are also additional-a prizes for the team who-a made the best overall-a meal, the one with the best-a teamwork, the best-a presentation and the tastiest-a meal,” Mario added, “There will also-a be a prize for whichever is-a the aud- I mean, a-Kirby’s favorite. Not to-a mention the best-a cook, best-a partner and-a best-a designer.”

“Damn, right!” the pink puff grinned as he pulled out a paper from a hat, “Ike and Pit, you two are up. You need to make the appetizer with the main ingredient being oysters. The rest, go to the corner and play Melee.”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Ike read out loud some instructions he had found on Jamie Oliver’s website so that Pit would know what to do. Since neither of them knew what an oyster knife looked like, they decided to use a random screwdriver as to not break the kitchen knives.

Neither of them was sure what they were doing. They opened up the oysters and put them on a plate before arranging them to look as nice as possible. Pit pressed some lemons while Ike added tabasco sauce on the oysters to finish the dish.

Satisfied with their work, they took the dish to be judged by Palutena, Kirby and Mario.

“It looks quite good,” Palutena observed, “Off to a good start. I’ll give you a 7 for presentation.”

“Did you two have-a fun?” Mario asked.

“We had no idea what we were doing, sir!” Pit answered, “But we liked every minute of it.”

“Yeah,” Ike agreed, “We made a pretty good team.”

“That’s-a good to hear! Perfect ten out of-a ten for-a teamwork!”

“It tastes okay,” Kirby commented as he ate an oyster, “Too much lemon and tabasco for my taste. Five for taste.”

“Go-a tell-a Link and-a Roy they have to make-a chicken soup.”

The two friends happily went to the corner to call Link and Roy. The two seemed very happy to leave since they were playing Melee with a god and weren’t having any fun getting destroyed.

“I’m surprised it was edible,” Ike admitted to Pit, “We were betting everything on teamwork and presentation.”

“I know,” Pit agreed, “I was so stressed out I called Mario-”

“Yeah, yeah, no one cares,” Marth interrupted, “Now, I need one of you to play as Fox so that I can kick his ass next week.”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


If he was alone, Link would have had no trouble making chicken soup. It was the easiest soup to make and was hard to mess up unless you were absolute trash at cooking. Sadly for Link, Roy was absolute trash at cooking and since teamwork was a very important part of the grading, Link couldn’t make the soup by himself.

“Roy, can you cut the chicken breast into strips?”

“I can try.”

Link facepalmed so hard his hand was hurting. He needed to make sure Roy didn’t mess up but he couldn’t do that while he was busy doing something else.

“You know what, Roy. Why don’t you stir the soup instead?”

“Okay, but I’m done with the chicken.”

Link stared at the strips of chicken in disbelief. He had no idea how Roy managed it but he made all the pieces look like inappropriate things. The worst part was that the redhead had no idea what he had done wrong.

The Hylian sighed and looked for vegetables as his friend stirred the soup. Once he was done, he noticed that Roy had no idea what he was doing and had turned up the heat way too much. In the process, Roy had managed to set the soup on fire.

With no more time left, Link was forced to bring the soup to the judges much to his dismay.

“Mamma mia!” Mario shouted, “Why are there-a dicks in my-a soup?”

“There are dicks in the soup?” Roy asked still unaware of what his chicken looked like.

“In Roy’s defense, he’s never cut chicken before,” Link told the Italian, “He doesn’t know anything about cooking.”

“I’ll-a give you a 7 for-a teamwork.”

“5 for presentation,” Palutena added, “If this was about the funniest presentation, you would have gotten a 10.”

“5 for taste,” Kirby said as he finished the soup, “It tastes like it’s been set on fire.”

“Can you two tell Pit and Marth to prepare some fish?”

Link and Roy returned to the corner where their friends were playing Melee and only Marth was having fun.

“Hey, Ike?” Link asked, “You won’t accidentally make dick-shaped food when we have to cook together, right?”

If Ike was drinking something, he would have spat everything he had in his mouth out.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


“Jesus Christ, this fish smells like shit,” Marth complained, “I am not touching it.”

“But Marth, we need to work together. You don’t need to touch it with your hands.”

“I am not touching a disgusting fish! I’ll make the sauce, you make the fish.”

Pit reluctantly cooked the salmon while Marth looked up a sauce he could make. The prince eventually settled on making a butter sauce. However, he couldn’t understand half the recipe because he didn’t know the name of any kitchen utensils besides knives.

As Marth went through a mental breakdown because he didn’t know what he had to do, Pit was trying to figure out when the salmon would be done. Both wanted to ask for help but they knew it would be in vain. In the end, they went with their gut instinct and decided to bet everything on presentation.

“Did you-a enjoy-a cooking together?”

“The only thing we agreed on was betting everything on presentation,” Marth replied bluntly.

“Um, okay… 3 for-a teamwork.”

“Guess it paid off,” Palutena giggled, “It looks really nice. 8 for presentation.”

“It’s under-cooked,” Kirby critiqued, “4 for taste. Tell Link and Ike to drag their asses here and make some vegetables.”

Marth rushed to the corner to play Melee with his best friend whereas Pit took his sweet time. He did not want to play it anymore. He was getting his ass kicked all the time because he didn’t know any of the tech.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


There was no way for Link and Ike to mess up the vegetables, at least, that’s what Link thought before he asked Ike to cut onions.

The mercenary was crying because of the onions and Link was unsure on what to do. He had dealt with Marth and Roy crying for petty reasons, but this was Ike. Ike did not cry, he made fun of cry babies and didn’t even allow his little sister to cry in front of him. It was even a rule in the Smash mansion that crying in front of Ike wasn’t allowed. You had to be named Soren to get away with crying in front of Ike.

Link decided to let Ike cry in peace as he continued cutting all the vegetable. Once the mercenary had finished his unemotional crying, he threw all the cut vegetables into a bowl and took it to the judges.

“Tastes good,” Kirby smiled, “You guys get an 8 for taste.”

“I’m a bit disappointed with the look,” Palutena admitted, “You get a 4. I was expecting something more creative from you, Link. I had such high hopes after your dick soup.”

“But I’m not the one who made the dicks!” Link argued only to be ignored.

“Did you two work-a well together?” Mario asked, “I can-a see that-a Ike has-a red eyes.”

“Yeah, I was cutting the onions,” Ike told the plumber, “I’ll also clarify that all the crying had zero emotion involved.”

“But did-a Link try to cheer you up?”

“No, I was never sad.”

“I was going to-a give you-a 10 points for-a teamwork, but seeing as-a Link did not attempt to cheer you up through your hard-a times, I will have to remove-a 5 points. I thought you two were-a close friends.”

“We are close!” Link snapped, “Ike wasn’t even sad. He just needed to wait for all the tears dry so that it wouldn’t mess up the food.”

“Don’t-a think I’ll add-a points to-a teamwork just because you’re-a defending your friend! Now, tell-a Marth and-a Roy to make-a steak. Hopefully, without-a burning the whole-a place down.”

Link and Ike returned to the corner slightly irritated by Palutena and Mario’s comments. They felt like they had been cheated. The contest was definitely rigged against them. How did the two even judge? Kirby was the only judge who was reasonable.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Marth and Roy were the last people you wanted in a kitchen together. The risk of the kitchen ending up destroyed was way too high. Back in Melee, they had gotten banned from the kitchen for being too chaotic.

“Siri, how do you make a steak?” Marth asked his iPhone.

“From, Jamie-”

“No, Siri! We need it to be Gordon Ramsay!”

After arguing with Siri, Marth finally found the perfect recipe. Roy seasoned the beef with what he assumed was the correct herb and threw it on a pan. The two friends had agreed that Roy should handle the pan since Marth would probably accidentally end up killing Roy if he were to lay hands on the pan.

“How do we turn on the…” Marth started, “What’s it called?”

“I think it’s called a stove,” Roy replied as he pressed random switches and buttons, “I think I found it!”

“Great! Now put the pan on the stove and then we cook it for… How are we making our steak? It says we can make it medium, well done.”

“We’re going all out, Marth! Let’s make it well done, we can’t half-ass this!”


The two best friends were unironically looking forward to their steak. They were like two little kids discovering a new video game. However, the fun was ruined since they forgot to put a timer and the meat ended up catching fire.

“What are we supposed to do now?” Marth freaked out, “The recipe doesn’t mention anything about there being a fire!”

“How should I know?” Roy shouted, “I don’t know anything about cooking.”

“You’ve got to know more than me! You knew what a stove was.”

“That doesn’t mean anything! You’re the one with the recipe.”

“Roy, I can’t cook. I don’t even understand this recipe.”

“I can’t cook either. There’s nothing we can do besides starting all over again.”

“We don’t have time! Can’t you come up with something?”

“Why do I have to? I always have to fix your problems!”

Not knowing what else to do, Marth filled up a cup with water and poured it on the burning steak while Roy figured out how to turn off the stove. Sadly, the steak couldn’t be saved as it was completely burnt.

“Maybe if we cover it in sauce and decorate it nicely, they won’t notice anything,” Marth told Roy, “All we have to do is make it look like something from Instagram.”

“Good idea, I’ll go get barbecue sauce, you can look for pretty herbs.”

Marth and Roy worked hard to get the steak to look as nice as possible, they had even taken photos of it. They brought it to the judges who appeared to be quite impressed.

“Marth seems to be quite good at presentation,” Palutena noted, “Your steak looks really aesthetically pleasing. I’ll give it a 9.”

“I could-a hear some yelling,” Mario commented, “Did everything go okay with-a you two?”

“We kinda got into a little argument,” Roy admitted, “But we got over it. Probably.”

“Oof, that’s-a going to-a hurt your-a teamwork points.”

“On the bright side, we didn’t set the kitchen on fire,” Marth argued.

“Fuck it, 10 out of-a 10. If I could-a give you two more than-a 10, I would.”

“Meat tastes like shit,” Kirby spat, “1 for taste. The barbecue saved it from getting a 0. Tell Link and Pit to make an edible roasted duck.”

The two best friends were surprised they didn’t get a 0 for taste and happily returned to the corner. Ike was relieved that his roommates were more interested in finding the perfect filter for their photos than playing Melee.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Pit and Link were the duo that you should never leave alone. When they weren’t with other people, they’d always pick fights for the stupidest of reasons. It was a miracle they didn’t have an equivalent to Marth and Roy’s setting the room on fire to resolve arguments.

“The easiest points to earn are presentation and teamwork,” Link explained to Pit, “Since I can cook, we’ll easily get a good taste grade. So, we should focus on working together and making our food look nice.”

“Okay! Shouldn’t be too hard.”

Pit came to regret those last words. The cooking process went smoothly but the decoration part… Link and Pit had completely different ideas of what was aesthetically pleasing. Link wanted to make the dish look natural with every element being in harmony whereas Pit wanted to use the vegetables accompanying the duck to make it stand out and be the center of attention.

“I’m telling you, they won’t like your idea!” Link yelled.

“You just don’t like my idea!” Pit yelled back, “For all you know, they’ll love mine. Yours is so boring and overdone!”

“That’s not true! Yours is the overused one! We’re doing this my way and that’s final!”

Link grabbed the duck but Pit latched onto it. The two pulled the duck hoping that the other would let go. In the end, they broke the duck in half. But they were both too angry at each other to even bother fixing it in some way.

They shoved it on a plate and put it in front of the judges who could tell from the tense atmosphere in the air that Link and Pit had gotten into a fight.

“Your idea to break the duck in half is quite original,” Palutena laughed full of nervousness, “But it looks ugly and messy, so I’ll give you a 4.”

“Tastes nice,” Kirby smiled, “7 from me.”

“Um, y-you obviously-a managed the cooking-a part,” Mario stuttered, “I guess I’ll-a give you-a 2 for-a teamwork. Can you tell-a Marth and-a Ike to make-a salad?”

Back in the corner, Link decided to completely ignore Pit by playing Melee with Roy. He knew Roy preferred him over Pit so he didn’t even have to bribe the redhead. Meanwhile, Pit ignored Link by playing some lame game on his phone.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Salad was the only food Marth knew how to make, somewhat. Marth couldn’t even make toast, but he knew which sauces went good with which salads. Making salad wasn’t hard, you just put the salad in the bowl and shove some sauce in it.

Meanwhile, Ike absolutely hated salad and found it to be the worst dish ever imagine. He wasn’t wrong. So, he thought putting in some meat would make it a bit more acceptable. He looked for ham and cheese in the fridge, cut it and threw it in the bowl ultimately ruining the aesthetic of Marth’s salad.

But since Marth was a bit stubborn, he removed every piece of ham and cheese from the salad and rearranged everything.

“Hey, Marth, there’s an iPhone behind you,” Ike lied.

“There is?”

Being a naive idiot, Marth believed Ike and looked for the iPhone. Meanwhile, Ike hid the ham and cheese underneath the salad and took it to the judges.

“Ike, where is-a Marth?” Mario asked.

“Looking for an iPhone that doesn’t exist.”

“Ugh, 1 for-a teamwork.”

“At least your dish looks nice,” Palutena sighed, “8 for presentation.”

“Tastes okay, your choice of cheese and ham doesn’t go well with the salad,” Kirby critiqued, “6 for taste.”

“To be fair, nothing goes well with salad,” Ike argued, “If anything, it’s the salad that doesn’t go well with the ham and cheese.”

“Yeah, yeah. Get Marth out of the kitchen and tell Pit and Roy to make a celery dish.”

After telling Marth that the iPhone ran away, a lie that the prince actually believed, Ike joined Link in the corner to play Melee while Marth sulked about the iPhone disappearing.


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


“We got the easiest dish possible!” Pit smiled full of excitement, “All we have to do is cut it.”

“I guess, but isn’t it too easy? We probably have to do more.”

“Maybe we need dips. I can prepare those while you cut the celery.”

Pit was choosing which dip bowls to use when he heard a crack. He turned around to see a traumatized looking Roy in front of a broken knife and a broken cutting board. Pit had always assumed that Roy being the sweet spot was a joke Marth invented to bully the guy, he didn’t think it would be true.

“I ruined everything,” Roy cried, “I just put the knife on the cutting board and they both broke. Now everyone else is going to fail because I broke the knife and they won’t be able to use a cutting board to cut whatever they need to cut.”

“Hey, look on the bright side,” the angel reassured his friend, “Now you know for sure who your mom is.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Um… Why don’t we switch roles?”

The two somehow finished making their dish and brought it to the judges.

“It’s cute,” Palutena smiled, “Nothing special. 7 for presentation.”

“Would be better if there were more dips than barbecue sauce and ketchup,” Kirby sighed, “6 for taste. Are there not any other dips in the kitchen?”

Pit and Roy shrugged. They had no idea where people hid the other dips.

“Roy, your eyes are-a red,” Mario noted, “Did-a Pit try to-a cheer you up?”

“Yeah, although he kinda failed,” Roy informed Mario.

“You can have 6-a points for-a teamwork. Much more admirable than-a Link not even-a bothering to cheer Ike-a up. Should have removed more-a points from them. Tell-a Link and-a Marth to make a chocolate pudding.”

Roy and Pit weren’t quite sure what had happened so they just listened to what Mario had told them and returned the corner.

“Hey, Ike, Mario told us Link didn’t cheer you up,” Pit told Ike.

“I will start off by saying that I was never sad,” Ike clarified, “Mario was just being a bitch.”

“If it makes you better, Roy also cried. Although now he knows who his mom is. Sadly we all now owe Marth everything. Except Roy.”

“I’m pretty sure Marth owes me everything,” Roy joked, “He always makes me pay for his phones despite being richer than me.”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Link was reading a recipe to Marth. Marth didn’t understand any of it, so Link had to rewrite the instructions. He was certain he’d get perfect teamwork points for that.

All Marth had to do was get the ingredients and weigh them which wasn’t a hard task because Marth was great at Math. Meanwhile, Link would do all the mixing.

Once the mix was done, Link put it in a small pot and taught Marth how to stir it properly. The two friends were actually having a great time together.

The end result was a delicious looking chocolate pudding. Marth decorated it to look even nicer, Link was really happy with it. He and Marth stared at the pudding like proud parents, there was no way the judges were not going to like it.

Link carried it to the judges who were all impressed.

“This looks beautiful!” Palutena grinned, “You two really put in a lot of effort. 10 out of 10!”

“I know-a you two usually have-a some trouble working together,” Mario reminded the two friends, “So, how did it-a go?”

“Great!” Marth smiled, “Link even translated the recipe for me. It was really fun.”

“Wait, you two actually had-a fun together? Both of you? 10 out of-a 10!”

“Now I’m really excited to try this pudding!” Kirby grinned as he tried the pudding, “… Did you two even try it?”

Marth and Link nodded. Marth tried some of the pudding and in a second he had rushed to the nearest toilet.

“That’s weird, I don’t know what could have gone wrong,” Link said as he reread the recipe, “Shit! I wrote down the wrong ingredient.”

“0 for taste!” Kirby yelled, “Now tell Ike and Roy to make a fruit salad and without messing it up!”

Link returned to the corner and saw Marth ranting to a very amused Pit.

“And what happened after that?” Pit asked.

“And now I’m the only one who’s vomited today,” the prince cried, “I can’t even get Roy to vomit because he’s busy cooking and he won’t want to vomit for me after having cooked!”

“Um, Marth?” Link asked, “Do you need some water or something? I mean it’s my fault we messed up. I can get you whatever you want.”

“And I can’t believe I told them I had fun with you!”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Ike and Roy were happy their final dish was something easy to make. They were not in the mood of making something complicated.

Roy peeled the fruit while Ike cut them. It seemed to be working really well for them, they weren’t messing up anything. They let the salad rest a bit and decided to eat some fruit while waiting. Roy ate some grapes while Ike ate a banana.

Once they finished arranging everything, it was time to take it to the judges. However, Roy tripped on the peel of Ike’s banana and since Ike was a nice guy, he focused on saving Roy over the salad.

“Are you okay?” Ike asked as he caught Roy, “You’re not hurt or anything?”

“I’m fine, but what about the salad?”

“Looks like it survived but it looks ugly.”

“We can probably still get some points if it tastes good.”

Needless to say, the judges were not impressed with the salad.

“It looks terrible!” Palutena frowned, “0.”

“Can we have some-a context?”

“Roy tripped, so I saved him,” Ike explained.

“10 for-a teamwork!”

“This...” Kirby stated, “This tastes pretty nice. 8 for taste! Go wait in the corner until we call you.”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


The five friends were in the corner. They were anxious because no one wanted to be the one to pay Palutena.

After a few minutes, Kirby joined them.

“We’ve decided,” the pink puff told them, “It’s time for the results.”


☆*:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:*☆


Master Hand was laughing as he saw how popular his show was. People were willing to give him millions to not end it. He was a legend in the underground TV industry.

People couldn’t wait for the final episode.

Meanwhile, Crazy Hand was still trying to figure out why Master Hand wouldn’t stop laughing.

Chapter Text

Kirby took the five friends to a stage specially designed for the final results. It was big and over the top, not something you'd expect for a ceremony among only friends.

Palutena was standing behind a table on which laid all the prizes. They were in present boxes so that they couldn't be recognized. The element of surprise was going to be very important.

"Ladies and-a gentlemen, welcome to the final results!" Mario announced.

"That's weird, I don't see anyone," Pit noted as he tried to figure out who Mario was talking to.

"Are you five-a ready to-a see the results?"

The group of friends nodded, they were all anxious. None of them wanted to pay Palutena.

"We'll-a start with the small prizes."

"The winners of this trip to Hawaii are the people responsible for the aud- I mean Kirby's favorite dish!" Palutena cheered, "Praises include, good cutting techniques, excellent choice of vegetables and Ike crying was funny."

"Ike and Link, come get your prize!" Kirby ordered, "What do you two have to say about your victory."

"Um, isn't the prize a bit much?" Ike asked, "Who's financing it?"

"Do you really care Ike?"

"I guess not."

"Any comments, Link?"

"I didn't expect this," the Hylian admitted.

"Me neither, with all the joke votes, I thought you'd end up traveling with one of your other friends."

Link didn't get to ask Kirby what on Earth he was talking about because he had gotten kicked off the stage alongside Ike.

"The winners of this ski trip to the Swiss Alps are the two who have shown to be closer than the others," Palutena announced, "Mario has praised their ability to get along, get into a fight and resolve it by not setting the room on fire for once."

"Marth, Roy, are you two excited to go skiing?" Kirby asked.

"Yeah!" Roy cheered, "I bet the landscapes are beautiful and the fondue is great."

"And we can buy Swiss chocolate and not share it with anyone!" Marth added, "We can also go to the thermal baths!"

Kirby didn't even have to kick the two off the stage since they walked off to continue planning their Winter vacation.

"The winners of this trip to the US are the people who made the best-looking meal," Palutena smiled, "My praise is that it looked way too good to actually taste good."

"Marth, Link, what will you do in the US?" Kirby asked.

"I want to meet the president," Marth told Kirby, "And I'd love to take a tour of the White House."

"You can't just meet the president and go to the White House," Link explained to Marth, "They're not things for tourists."

"Fuck you, I'm rich and royalty, I do whatever I want."

The two walked off stage and continued their argument while everyone just stared for a minute.

"The two weebs lucky enough to go to Japan are the ones who made the tastiest meal," Palutena said.

"It looked disgusting but it tasted so good," Kirby drooled, "Should have given it a higher score. Ike, Roy, tell me how you feel."

"I can't wait!" Roy grinned, "I'm really excited about being able to speak Japanese again. I thought I'd never get a chance again."

"When are all these trips even taking place?" Ike asked only to be ignored.

Kirby kicked the two off stage and Palutena grabbed the last small prize.

"The winners of this trip to Australia made the best meal overall and balanced all the elements needed to make a good meal," Palutena announced.

"With an impressive score of twenty-two, Pit and Ike made the best meal with their oysters!" Kirby cheered.

"Yay!" Pit smiled, "What's Australia? Is it that place where everything is upside down?"

"I'm not going to bother explaining..." Ike sighed.

"That's it for the small-a prizes," Mario said, "Make-a sure to tune in after the commercial-a break!"

"What commercial break?"

*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*

"Welcome-a back to the finale!" Mario announced, "Now, we will-a proceed to the medium-a prizes!"

"This person was the best teammate anyone could ask for," Palutena started, "He was the only person to not get a score underneath 6 for teamwork. With a grand total of 33 points for teamwork, he has earned the right to have a jacuzzi for his room."

"Roy, how do you feel about getting a jacuzzi?" Kirby asked.

"I'm looking forward to it!" Roy smiled, "How big will it be?"

"Six feet so you can sit five feet apart from the bros you're not gay for."

"Um... In meters?"

"Around your height, 1.8 something."

Roy walked off the stage feeling really excited. He was getting two trips and a jacuzzi. How could his day get any better?

"With 35 points for presentation, this person made the most beautiful meals," Palutena announced, "He has earned the right to have a sauna in his room."

"Marth, are you excited for your sauna?" Kirby asked.

"Will I have to share it with Roy and Ike?"

"You three share a room, so yeah. But hey, you're allowed to go in Roy's jacuzzi as much as you want to."

Marth was satisfied with the pink puff's response. To be honest, he was looking forward to the jacuzzi way more than the sauna. His room was on fire half the time, so it didn't really need a sauna.

"This final prize goes to the person who made the most delicious meals," Palutena smiled, "With 27 points for taste, he earned the right to win a water slide that goes to the mansion's pool."

"Ike, who will test your water slide?" Kirby asked.

"How will all of this fit in our room?" Ike asked.

"Um… Commercial break time!"

"Wait, that's-a my line!"

*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*

"Welcome back! It's-a time for the grand prizes! Are you all-a excited? You better be! The results might-a shock you!"

"In last place, the person who owes me money," Palutena smirked, "With a score of 67, Link you owe me!"

"What!?" the Hylian shouted, "But I'm the only one who knows how to cook!"

"Tell that to Marth and the uneatable pudding you made. You're lucky we didn't halve your points!"

Link was pissed but he couldn't do anything. He really did mess up everything with the pudding. But it annoyed him that he obviously made the best dinner and wasn't getting rewarded for that.

"In fourth place, you weren't originally supposed to get a prize," the goddess sighed, "But with an amazing score of 69 we couldn't resist. Pit, you get a coupon to get whichever erotic literature collection you want."

"Yay!" Pit cheered, "Wait, but I can't read. What will I do with the heroic literature?"

"It's okay, I'll take care of that for you."

Pit was confused but he was still grateful that the judges gave him a prize. He wasn't sure what was so special about his score. Maybe it was Palutena's lucky number or something.

"In third place, with a score of 70. Marth wins gummy bears."

"Gummy bears?" Marth yelled, "But I need to go on a diet!"

"You really don't. You're lighter than little kids."

Marth appeared to be upset with his packet of gummy bears. He tried a gummy bear and noticed it actually tasted pretty good. Not that he'd tell anyone.

"In second place, this man earned 72 points and won a free meal at his restaurant of choice. Ike, how do you feel?"

"I'm really excited!" Ike grinned, "I can't wait to go to an all you can eat barbecue place!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. It's a restaurant of our choice, not yours. You get to try the new vegan restaurant that sponsoring us. It will open tomorrow!"

Ike wanted to cry. Crying about food was the only time crying was acceptable. He hated the garbage that was vegan food. It didn't taste good. He had tried vegan meatballs once and they were the blandest meatballs imaginable. He'd rather eat a burnt meatball with too much salt on it than a vegan one.

"And with a score of 74 points, Roy gets a 100k gift card for the licorice store that sponsored today's event!"

"But I don't like licorice," Roy complained.

"Oh, poor you. Now join the others so we can take photos."

The five friends posed for the camera with the most annoyed-looking faces in the world, except for Pit who was smiling awkwardly.

*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*

Master Hand couldn't stop laughing. The decision to livestream the event had paid off. He had smashed records once again.

Now any show he'd release would meet similar if not higher levels of success. He had truly conquered the underground TV industry. Soon, he'd be able to dominate the mainstream TV industry.

Meanwhile, Crazy Hand still didn't know why Master Hand couldn't stop laughing but he had noticed there was a larger amount of money in the smash mansion's bank account. And hey, he wasn't going to complain about having more money to waste on pointless stuff.

*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*

Link, Marth, Roy, Ike and Pit were all sitting on the sofa in the living room watching Come dine with me.

"Our experience was nothing like theirs," Link laughed, "We should probably never do this again."

"You're just saying that because now you're broke!" Pit argued.

"Nah, if we do it again everything we went through will lose meaning," Ike told Pit, "And I'm pretty sure Marth and Roy don't ever want to cook again."

"I didn't think it would be this traumatizing," Roy admitted, "I think I'll become insane if I ever step foot in a kitchen again."

"Implying you're not already insane," Marth smirked.

"Like you're one to talk!"

"Guys, don't fight!" Pit pleaded, "This is the moment we all say how much fun we had together and how we're looking forward to having more fun together in the future."

"That's just plain stupid," Ike said.

Everyone was about to get into a fight until Link stopped them by telling them they should all eat Marth's gummies. Marth would have protested but he couldn't let anyone know he like the gummy bears.

So the five friends ate gummy bears together until everyone but Link got a stomach ache from the raw chicken that had been eaten the previous night and was forced to run to the toilet.