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On the Benefits of Having an Attic

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January 3, 1982

Have returned home with K-9. Very happy that the Doctor sent him to me as a gift. I've always wanted a dog.

January 4

Took K-9 for a walk today. Next time, will choose a day when it's not raining. Will also try to choose a route without mud. Or gravel paths.

January 5

Hair dryer is burned out, but K-9 is finally dry, and only a little rusty.

January 12

It's nice that unlike other dogs, K-9 doesn't chew leather or dig holes out back. I also think he'll be staying off the sofa after today's rocking chair incident.

January 14

Trying to teach K-9 to bark. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if "Ahem, Mistress. Ruff ruff!" will work to scare away intruders.

January 16

Postman came today with a package. K-9 didn't bark, but he did quiz the postman with old "Mastermind" questions, which seemed to work just as well. Hopefully next time the postman won't be quite as startled and will stay to deliver the package.

January 17

Received package after going down to the post office to retrieve it. Package turned out to contain some old books that I had left behind on the TARDIS. If I'd wanted them, I'd have taken them with me when I left. Why did the Doctor return them to me? Couldn't he have stored them in the TARDIS library? How does he even know where I live now, anyway?

January 18

Box of books from the TARDIS is missing all of my Agatha Christie novels, even the romance ones. I always knew the Doctor was secretly reading them.

January 19

Asked K-9 if he knows how the Doctor has learned where I live. K-9 has now unexpectedly developed laryngitis.

January 26

Came home today to discover a pile of record albums on my front doorstep. Why is the Doctor returning all of my things? Is it that much of a problem to have some of my belongings still on his TARDIS? Does it bother him to have reminders of me around? Anyway, that Bay City Rollers album was his, not mine.

January 27

Wow, I'd forgotten how good the Bay City Rollers were.

February 1

Today the pink sailor suit mysteriously showed up in my closet. Obviously the Doctor is at it again, because didn't I leave that on the TARDIS? I can't believe I wouldn't have noticed if I'd had the suit this whole time. On the other hand, it was hanging next to the pink-striped overalls, so perhaps I've just been overlooking it.

February 3

Have decided that if the Doctor is going to return my things, then it's only fair that I return his. Brought out the plastic flower in a fake pot and demanded that K-9 find a way to send it to him. Why did I take a plastic flower in a fake pot when I left the TARDIS, anyway?

February 4

Plastic flower is gone. Good. I hope the Doctor gets the message. I suppose I could have also returned his sonic screwdriver that I nicked, but I'd rather keep it. Besides, I've turned it into a sonic lipstick now. Much more stylish than a screwdriver.

February 10

Uh-oh. I must've worried the Doctor, because today I got make-up presents: a stuffed dinosaur, a stuffed spider, a stuffed adipose and a stuffed Loch Ness Monster. Although why he would think I would want stuffed animals as mementos of our time together is beyond me.

February 11

Ooh, the stuffed Loch Ness Monster looks great next to my stuffed owl.

February 14

Valentine's Day, and what do I wake up to? A Sontaran helmet, a Dalek eyestalk and a (fortunately non-working) Cybermat. Honestly, it's as if he's presenting me with dead alien trophies now. Where am I supposed to put all this stuff?

February 16

Have stuck the Cybermat out front and am passing it off as a garden ornament. Fingers crossed.

February 17

Neighbour's cat tried to eat the Cybermat. It's a Cyber-hairball now.

February 18

Aliens came today and tried to steal the neighbour's cat, which was apparently giving off Cyber-residue. Fortunately, K-9 is good at dealing with aliens. He tells me he's also good at stopping up black holes, which will be handy the next time a black hole shows up in the back garden. That could be any day now.

February 20

The Doctor must be redecorating, because he's left me an entire section of the TARDIS wall. I think it's from the boot cupboard, but it's hard to tell. I have absolutely nowhere to put it. What with old books, records, clothes, alien pieces and now this, I have completely run out of space. Am hoping for a black hole to show up in the back garden so I can dump it all in. Fingers crossed.

February 24

No black hole, but yet more alien artifacts from the Doctor. Enough is enough. Have decided to move. Am threatening K-9 with disassembly if he lets on our new address. Showed him the sonic lipstick so he knows I mean it.

March 1

Have moved into a new house in Ealing. Very nice place, and K-9 swears that the Doctor no longer knows where we are. Can finally get on with my life now.

March 2

Happy that the new house has an attic, just in case.