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The Confusing John-John!

Chapter Text

(tribute vid I made to Keanu's Constantine)

What the hell is this?
The bartender at The Murky Clam frowned at The Confusing John-John's new business card.

That's the right number mate.
"Chaz The Bloke" does all my bookings.
John Constantine downed his gin & tonic and lit a cig.

Jesus man, if I didn't see you with those cards myself, I'd think you were completely insane!
You better not show up stinking drunk.
My ex is going to bust my balls enough as it is.
My kid's really into that Harry Potter shit.
Dwight put the card in his pocket and refilled Constantine's glass.

No worries, I'm a professional.
I always do whatever it takes.


Put that out!
You can't smoke in front of the children!
Scolded Dwight's ex-wife and John's boss for the day.

Sorry luv, just one more drag.
Constantine sucked hard on his fag.

Ehw, have you been drinking?

Not yet.

Here, have some coffee for Christ's sake.
Just keep your distance from the kids.
I'll come and get you when we're ready.


John Constantine enjoyed his traditional breakfast of a silk cut and black coffee in Dwight's former kitchen.
His cigarette began to taste like burning hair (never a good sign).
He heard a strange clicking sound, turned in his chair and looked down.

Well hullo there precious.
Aren't you just a bundle of cuddles.

The gray/white dog sat at John's feet completely still and stared into John's gorgeous, blue, bloodshot eyes. He bent closer to the dubious dog and blew a big cloud of smoke into its face. No reaction, not even a blink. He wasn't much practiced in reading animals, but John focused and the creature's aura appeared before him. He saw black holes swirling in the tiny red aura. He wasn't sure what it meant but he knew it meant trouble. Keeping his eyes fixed on the pooch, he tugged his tie down, opened his shirt collar and pulled out his St. Christopher's medal.

It sunk its evil little needle teeth into Constantine's elegant ankle, tearing through his favorite pair of Scott Disick socks!
He jumped up!
The table upended and crashed to the floor!
Various kiddie snacks exploded all over the kitchen.
He stomped and stumbled into the living room with the beast snarling and tightening its grip.
Dwight came running in and booted the hellhound!
The hairball went flying, smashed into the wall and ran out the back door whimpering.
John and Dwight collapsed onto the sofa.

Cute pooch.
I've always had a way with the doggies.
Sorry about that mate.

Ah, you did me a favor.
I've wanted to kick that mongrel since Denise brought it home.

$200 socks by the way.

The two chums chuckled while John's bloody wound trickled down into Denise's new rug.

Our fearless demon hunter went into the yard of screeching, jumping kids. He limped over to the grill being manned by Denise's new Pharmacist boyfriend, Bill. Dwight had regaled John with tales of his douch-bagery on far too many occasions (everything's got a price). The smell of roasting, chemical hotdogs turned his hungover stomach and he tried not to frown.

Best dogs in the county!
Gotta fuel up before the show right?
Bill handed him one with a friendly grin.


John peered around at the party, trying to locate "Gobber" before he attacked one of the sticky kids. He dodged twirling brats and made his way to the woods at the edge of the yard. He chucked the bun and squished the greasy hotdog in his fist. After his first encounter with the canine elemental Norfulthing, Constantine had done his best to steer clear of all dogs. He tried not to think about Astra or being raped by an enormous dog dick. He jumped! when he felt a tug at his coat!

Hey who are you?
Are you one of those stranger dangers?
My teacher told me not to talk to you if you are.

Take it easy kid, I'm just the birthday magician.

Where's your costume?

This IS my costume.
Go back to the party now, it's not time for the show yet.
He glared at the kid to try and shoo him away.

The kid followed him.
Hey mister, your leg's bleeding.

I'm fine chum.
I just lost my bunny.
Go on now.

Hey everybody the magic guy lost his bunny!!

A herd of germy, candy smeared cherubs came skipping over at our reluctant hero. Bloody hell! He backed up with his hands in the air, still holding the frankfurter. His keen senses told him the unholy beast was lurking nearby, ready to strike at any moment!

Hey, you kids have to get away from 'ere right now!
You don't want to startle Buttercup, he's a nasty piece o' work!

The kids squealed and giggled and jumped around.

I don't have time for this.
John put his bag down and turned around, holding his coat closed.
His eyes rolled up as he whispered . . .
tempus viginti cuniculums

The Confusing John-John spun around and opened his trench coat with a flourish!
20 fluffy baby bunnies of every color came bouncing out of his coat!

The delighted children squealed and chased after the hopping fluff balls.

Constantine wasted no time and limped into the woods.
He held out his wiener and traced the dark energy of the possessed pet.

The smash hit party was winding down and there was no sign of the wonderful wizard.
Where'd he go?
What are we supposed to do with all these rabbits?
Just as Denise said the words, the bunnies all vanished!

Denise and Bill looked at Dwight with what could only be described as, respect.

to be continued . . .