The last year has been a messy blur for Lexa. For the most part, she knows it involved, partying, sex, drugs, and heartbreak. Partying to relieve stress, sex to feed lust, drugs to escape reality - and that’s when it started getting out of hand - lastly, heartbreak because one cold October night during a three day bender with a group of friends, Lexa went too far. Her career as a hotshot CEO and public figure was at an all time high and she was getting offers left and right, which also meant more pressure from her agents, more demand from the public; she was being pulled apart. She need to escape for awhile. Revel in her success not stress. She won’t say who, because really...what’s the point, but someone had a stash of party favors for the group and there was no stopping them once the bag dropped from the person’s hand, in sight.
No word, no sign, for three days, Anya - her sister - calmly worried as people told her ‘I’m sure she’s fine. She’s just busy’. Nothing. Till on that cold, late night of October, she got a phone call.
“Lexa Woods...sister....has been admitted for an overdose...”
Those are the words she caught. Those are the words she never wants to hear again.
Lexa got clean. Went to rehab. Her fans remained supportive of her recovery. She’s been home now for almost three months. At first it was fine, but then reality was setting in. Her life starting up again. Things went from easy, slowly back to as it was before....and she..
Back to the door, but she hears it creak open with the shift of the door knob and taps from the heels of her sister’s shoes against the wooden flooring as she enters her room.
“Lexa...” A gentle call, but Lexa remains unmoving in fetal position of her bedding.
“Lexa, you need to get up. It’s... It’s been a week,” Nothing, “Just get up. You don’t have to do anything...”
Lexa hears her sister move a bit at the edge of her bed. She can hear the choked back cry her sister’s body is pushing to release - but Woods’ control their emotions. Emotions are weakness.
“Lexa.” Anya says a bit stronger, louder, with a slight edge of a crack.
Then it happens. The bedding is pulled from Lexa’s body and thrown on the ground as her sister breaks.
“Get UP, Lexa!” Her voice cracks with tears and hysteria and strained whimpers and Lexa almost cringes at unfathomable sound coming from her strong, stone faced sister. Almost. Her sister lets her tears fall for another second longer before she storms out the bedroom.
The day turns to night just like the rest of the week and Lexa doesn’t leave her bed. She occupies her time with sleep and the same thoughts on a loop. Where did it all go wrong... She knows. Anya knows. Lincoln, her brother, knows. Everyone in her close social group knows, but no one knows how to fix it. And maybe it’s just not meant to be fixed, because Lexa is the one that broke it. She doesn’t deserve to have it fixed. It just is what it is.
But, that’s unacceptable for Lexa.
She hears the front door to the loft open and close, knowing it’s Anya, but then she’s speaking. Maybe she’s on the phone. No, there’s a second muffled voice and it sends Lexa’s heart into a beating frenzy. It’s a girl. A muffled voice, but it sounds like...she talks like...she....
Her bedroom door opens for the second time that day - first that night - her Lexa can’t calm her heart as two sets of foot steps enter.
“Lexa,” Anya starts of strong, “Please. Get. Up.”
There’s shifting and then...her.
“Lexa...” Her voice is raspy, soft...soothing.
Green eyes widen with more life than they have since....the last time she’s heard that voice. She can’t stop herself. Lexa never could find control around her. She pushes up on a forearm and swiftly looks over her shoulder at the girl.
Her breath catches for a moment and time stands still. The blonde stands in casual winter clothes for a cold night like this with a concerned look on her face. Lexa wishes she wouldn’t look at her like that - like she’s a person standing on a ledge. She’s much tanner now and her golden hair and ocean blue eyes stand out even more so against the contrast of her skin. For a moment, Lexa wonders where she's been. She heard from Lincoln that Octavia said she left the country for some medical mission - maybe Africa - the thought doesn't progress much further than that. Anya’s cheeks are a slight shade of red, no doubt from crying, with crossed arms in her business clothes.
“Why?” Is all Lexa could breathe out, eyes never straying from blue; from Clarke.
“I can’t- I can’t watch you do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I-....,” She has to pause to take a shaky breath, “I don’t want you to be admitted again, Lexa. I have to go on a business trip for awhile. Clarke will keep me updated on everything.”
“You agreed to this?” The CEO asks Clarke in disbelief.
She doesn’t answer. Clarke and Anya exchange a few words in the next room before Anya says her goodbyes and leaves Lexa with an, “I love you, Lexa. Please-,” her sister pauses with words caught in her mouth, contemplating exactly what she’s asking of Lexa, but she guess she never finds them since, her sister walks out without finishing her sentence.
Moments later, she hears Clarke enter her room once again and her throat starts to constrict with memories resurfacing that she’s worked so hard on forgetting and locking away in the darkest corners of her mind. Fingers clench tightly into grey bedsheets.
The air is thick and she feels like Clarke is deciding where to start, what to say, probably mentally pulling on her professional doctor’s coat (no hat). And being Lexa, she needs control of the situation before Clarke can take it.
“Why?” Her voice feels like gravel with the first question that comes to mind.
“What?” Lexa closes her eyes in the reverberating sound of her rasping voice.
“Why are you here,” and when the doctor doesn’t answer right away Lexa grows anxious and pushes on, “Why did you come back? Why are you here, Clarke?” Her voice grows stronger, more demanding, with each word spoken and she grasps control right at the end.
She’s just thankful her back is to the blonde and she can't see her face. And vice versa.
Surprisingly, Clarke recovers much faster than expected. An immediate response with slight bitterness, “Why are you throwing your life away like this?”
It angers the CEO - because who is she to judge her in such a way? She’s been gone for over a year. She left- no- SHE RAN AWAY.
“Why do you care!” Lexa snaps with a quick turn of her body, no sitting up and facing the blonde with piercing green eyes.
“Because I-...”Clarke is quick, but her words die out and Lexa wonders what she stopped herself from saying, but feels a sense of satisfaction when the small creases between the blonde’s brows form, and guilt fills her eyes with pressed lips.
“Right. You left - like a coward. The great Clarke Griffin ran from her problems.”
Darkness shifts in blue eyes, forming a storm, “And you drowned yourself in sex and drugs.”
Lexa’s jaw locks with a hard swallow and a slight nod of acceptance and Clarke looks like she immediately regrets her words.
“I did. And I don’t deserved you, so you should just go.” A quiet, almost whispered, statement before Lexa slowly shifts back around on her bed, back towards the blonde.
There’s a moment of silence and Lexa thinks Clarke is actually going to walk out again - she’s secretly praying she doesn’t with tears threatening to fall - but then quiet words fill the air, once more.
“I’m not leaving, Lexa. Not this time... You’re going to get better and I’m not leaving until you do. We can’t change what happened, but we can learn from it. We both made mistakes, but I realized you were going through something and... I did nothing to help you. It- I didn’t understand at the time- what you needed. What you were asking for. I lo-....,” a sigh, “You broke my heart, Lexa,” and the tears fall to the sound of cracked words, “I didn’t understand, but I get it now and I’m sorry.”
Lexa turns back with disbelief and confusion. Clarke gives a quick smile with a shake of her head as she quickly wipes her tear stained face with her hand.
“I’m sorry, Lexa.”
“For what?” She’s a little lost for words.
“For pushing you away when you needed me most.... For pushing away the one person I loved most.”
Loved. Past tense.
“You can’t blame yourself for my poor choices.”
“No, but I can blame myself for leaving you to face a hurricane alone.”
Clarke has always been the most selfless person Lexa has ever come to know and she can see that not much has changed. She did horrible things to her and still she’s the one apologizing and it only makes her feel more guilty; more deserving of her current position on this bed.
“I’m going to order take-out and you don’t have to eat, but you need to get out of this room - and you will come out of this room - even if I have to drag you out, myself.” Back in doctor mode, Clarke gives a pointed look before finally walking out of the room.
Lexa sighs, the tense strain on her body that she wasn’t aware of finally relaxes. She takes a few moments to herself as she listens to Clarke’s muffled voice ordering food over the phone. Part of Lexa is scared to leave her bed. She wasn’t just locking herself away because she was depressed - though that was part of it - for the most part she was scared of her creeping thoughts; desires. When reality of her life started shift back to the normalcy she knew, she felt her longing, her temptation to fall back into her destructive coping tactics slowly start to pull her in. She basked in the memories of how good it felt fall into a high. How easy....
Her focus comes back and her hand stills. She was mindlessly running fingertips over faded scars on the bend of her arm. Track marks. It brought a certain sadness. She did that. It’s a hard concept to grasp. That she’s that type of person. She needs to that sentence to become past tense, but currently she knows: She’s still that person.
“Lexa.” A delicate voice calls out, pulling the CEO, once again, back to her task.
Task. It was a task to leave this room, to leave this bed, to just...move in general, but that girl in the next room makes it bearable. Because who is she kidding.
She’s the one person Lexa would do anything for.
Bare feet settle on the cool wood flooring. Muscles flex and joints bend that the girl hasn’t felt in days, and it’s weird to feel this...fragile. She feels thin and weak, like the smallest hit could physically break her. She guess that’s what happens when you don’t really eat or move for about a weak.
A testing step. A hesitant step. The feeling over her movements settle in with a slight give of the smooth wood beneath her feet and her steps become more purposeful. She takes a breath and hears the front door open, a few polite words are exchanged, and the crinkling of paper bags echo through the loft. For the first time in a week, Lexa walks out of her room.