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twitter is onto something

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pan with a plan @hotnmessy
y’all tony stark himself could tell me he’s not pan and i still wouldn’t believe him

is you blind @messynhot
honestly that’s a big mood

Spooky @FunkItUp
you guys are gross. he’s a playboy and has never once been with a guy. he’s straight.

pan with a plan @hotnmessy
lmao i didn’t ask, but go off i guess

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that is not correct @bcaccording
so if about 1 of every 10 people is queer, who is it in the avengers??? there’s gotta be at least 2, realistically.

but still good @lessbien
i’m hoping it’s black widow, i would love for her to choke me with her thighs

that is not correct @bcaccording
i know i’m op, but that’s a mood. also according to norse mythology, gender and sexuality didn’t matter to asgardians, so thor??? what’s up???

bi babe @bibabe
dude, what if cap was queer? the uproar would be amazing

but still good @lessbien
cap’s childhood friend more than just a friend? highly likely in my book.

that is not correct @bcaccording
plot twist: they’re all gay and the whole world is on an episode of punked

bi babe @bibabe
titties: out
third eye: open
theory: accepted

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eugene @ayybaby
with how little we know about the avengers personally, any one of them could be trans

rainbow pants @knope4prez
holy shit you’re right

eugene @ayybaby
like, the public didn’t even know that tony stark existed until he was 15 and going to mit. ppl assumed it was because of some shameful thing, but what if he’s just trans???

rainbow pants @knope4prez
dude you’re so right. holy shit.

eugene @ayybaby
any super who’s name ends with man or woman is trans. sorry, i don’t make the rules.

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Plant King @PlantKing
i would personally like to thank the avengers for not being publically problematic. as far as we know, you guys are awesome.

mitochondria @powerhouse
seriously, all they do is save the world and get shawarma. tony stark used to be kinda ehh, but then he stopped making weapons and become iron man.

bi babe @bibabe
captain america is from the 40s and we have yet to see him do even one questionable thing.

that is not correct @bcaccording
captain america still looks so good at nearly 100 because he’s not problematic. he’s like andy samberg.

but still good @lessbien
holy shit i just realized that black widow is practically rosa diez. black widow is a bi icon confirmed.

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mel @coffeekid
HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BREATH ASNVENDFLKNB

ice @icebaby
WHAT IS IT

mel @coffeekid
I’M IN THIS CAFE AND FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST WALK IN AND ORDERED AN ICED AMERICANO

ice @icebaby
NO FUCKING WAY DUDE DO YOU THINK THAT THE BARISTA WILL SAY ONE ICED AMERICANO FOR THE ICED AMERICANO

mel @coffeekid
THEY FUCKING DID

ice @icebaby
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

mel @coffeekid
oh my god. Oh My God. OH MY GOD.

ice @icebaby
??????????????????

mel @coffeekid
CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST PUNCHED A DUDE

ice @icebaby
WHAT THE FUCK WHY

mel @coffeekid
THE DUDE WAS BEING SHITTY AND HOMOPHOBIC TO THIS NICE GAY COUPLE AND HE TRIED TO GET CAP TO AGREE WITH HIM

ice @icebaby
NO WAY DUDE REALLY

mel @coffeekid
YEAH AND HOW HE’S GOING ON A RANT ABOUT HOW TO WORLD SHOULD BE FREE FOR EVERYONE BY NOW, NOT JUST A SELECT FEW

ice @icebaby
I STAN ONE AMERICAN MAN

mel @coffeekid
“I DIDN’T DIE FOR THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR TO STILL BE ALLOWED IN THE UNITED STATES.” THE CAFE IS CLAPPING THIS IS LIKE SOME FAKE TUMBLR POST

ice @icebaby
DUDE I NEED THAT QUOTE ON A T-SHIRT

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shane @bombshell
not to, like, spread the truth or anything, but pepper potts, ceo of stark industries, is totally a trans woman. nothing you can do about it.

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
You are indeed spreading the truth.

shane @bombshell
are my eyes deceiving me??? am i dreaming??? did pepper potts, my queen, just come out to the world with a drunk tweet from 3 am???

spooker @ryann
shane holy shit, this is the shit that you tell your grandkids. how are you so lucky???

shane @bombshell
i can die happy.

spooker @ryann
SHANE LOOK AT WHO LIKED YOUR TWEET

shane @bombshell
WHAT THE FUCK TONY STARK LIKED MY TWEET NOW I WILL DIE HAPPY

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eugene @ayybaby
going back to my tweet from a while ago, i’m claiming spiderman as trans bc his name ends with man. sorry, those are the rules.

Chad @callerid
y’all are nasty. those are real people. not everything in the world is fucking gay.

eugene @ayybaby
lmao it was a joke, but if you wanna be that way then just block me, it doesn’t bother me.

pan with a plan @hotnmessy
i think we like to think/pretend that all of these heroes are lgbtq+ bc it makes us feel more safe with them protecting us.

eugene @ayybaby
yeah, i agree. even if they are all cis and straight, it makes us feel better if we have something to relate to. sorry if that bothers you, i guess.

Chad @callerid
damn, now i feel bad.

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eli @lapis
dr. bruce banner, aka the hulk, an avenger, just released a study on gender and how sex and gender differ. read it. this man has 7 phds, he knows what he’s talking about.

fuck terfs @chipssahoy
dude, i just read it. idk why i was expecting the worst, but this shit’s amazing. he talks about the history of non-binary genders, difference between identity and expression, and shit like that. highly recommended.

eli @lapis
dude, his whole paper was so respectful. he probably worked really damn hard on it. it’s so beautifully written and if it doesn’t win any kind of award, i’m rioting.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Haha, thank you! My s/o is actually non-binary and almost none of my friends are cis, so this was a really important topic for me to cover. I appreciate your support!

eli @lapis
oH My goD? of course, dr. banner! the fact that you even wrote about this topic means so much for the community! thank you for what you’ve done! i’m sure your s/o must be so proud!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Yeah, they really are. They want to hang up a physical copy in the living room and everything, it’s really cute.

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adam @lazuli
ELI YOU STRAIGHT UP JUST HAD A CONVERSATION WITH BRUCE BANNER HOW DO YOU FEEL

eli @lapis
DUDE I’M ACTUALLY SOBBING IN MY ROOM RN

adam @lazuli
HIS S/O IS GENDERQUEER!!! BRUCE BANNER ISN’T STRAIGHT!!! THIS IS SO AMAZING!!! WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER THEORIES MIGHT BE TRUE

eli @lapis
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

adam @lazuli
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFJANFGJNERGJW;

eli @lapis
ALSO ALMOST NONE OF HIS FRIENDS ARE CIS??? MOST IF NOT ALL OF HIS FRIENDS ARE THE AVENGERS??? SO WHAT’S UP?????????

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Plant King @PlantKing
tfw spiderman compliments the trans pride pin on your bag after he saves you from getting mugged

rosa @deathpacito
seriously???

Plant King @PlantKing
100%, dude. it was so surreal.

rosa @deathpacito
either the dude is the world's best ally, or he really is a trans icon

Plant King @PlantKing
either way, I Stan

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luna @starpower
not to be controversial or anything, but captain america is totally bi

danny @dannyboy
what makes you say that?

luna @starpower
that rant that he went on in that cafe not too long ago was too passionate for just an ally

bi babe @bibabe
we've seen him show interest in woman, remember peggy carter? but have you seen his childhood friend? Hot Damn.

jack @twunk
oof, so true. bucky barnes was a heartthrob and I'm Gay

danny @dannyboy
bruh, I think you guys sometimes forget that that dude's still alive

luna @starpower
oh shit, I remember. wasn't he a brainwashed assassin for 70 years or some shit?

danny @dannyboy
yeah, and now he just lives in avengers tower and hardly ever shows up in public

bi babe @bibabe
at least for what we know he doesn't

jack @twunk
oh shit, u right. anyway, the guy's a hottie and cap would have to Blind to not want a piece of that

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pan with a plan @hotnmessy
did tony stark just casually mention that he's not straight???

is you blind @messynhot
holy fuck I think he did

pan with a plan @hotnmessy
“i know i don't have any sex tapes or anything, but you guys really think i’m straight?”

is you blind @messynhot
bro I think I'm dying

pan with a plan @hotnmessy
“does everyone think i’m straight? what am i doing to make you think that. tell me so i can stop doing it.”

is you blind @messynhot
BITCH THAT'S A MOOD

pan with a plan @hotnmessy
“you guys do know that all of that playboy stuff wasn’t real, right? I can probably count the number of people I’ve slept with on one hand.”

is you blind @messynhot
holy shit seriously???

pan with a plan @hotnmessy
“I’m a flirt, that’s all. I’m in a committed relationship for damn sake.”

is you blind @messynhot
WITH WHO???

pan with a plan @hotnmessy
IDK HE JUST LEFT THE STAGE

is you blind @messynhot
TONY STARK PLEASE THE GAYS ARE ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS

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spider-man @actuallyspiderman
mr. stark told me to stick it to ‘the man’ today as if he also isn’t ‘the man’

eugene @ayybaby
damn these parody accounts are getting good

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
uhhh yeah this is a parody account

You Know Who I Am @TStark
kid, what did I tell you about making a spider-man twitter?

eugene @ayybaby
what the fuck

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
not to?

You Know Who I Am @TStark
and what did you do?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i made a spider-man twitter?

You Know Who I Am @TStark
do you see the problem here?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i don’t know mr. stark, suddenly i can’t read

Plant King @PlantKing
ALWIRHASJHYRISD WHAT THE FUCK

You Know Who I Am @TStark
kid i swear to god…

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
wow, mr. stark. this is transphobia.

eli @lapis
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

You Know Who I Am @TStark
me, an adult trans, is being transphobic to you, a baby trans. sure, jan.

eugene @ayybaby
I think I’m dreaming holy shit this can’t be real

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay then this is biphobia

Plant King @PlantKing
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

You Know Who I Am @TStark
and you not listening to me is panphobia. square up, son.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
bucky made cookies, i’ll let you have some if you let me keep the twitter.

You Know Who I Am @TStark
fuck. okay kid, you win. keep the account, those cookies are too good to resist.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
hell yeah B) thanks dad

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eugene @ayybaby
am I dreaming? was that a dream? this is too surreal to not be a dream

eli @lapis
i can assure you that was real

adam @lazuli
fuck.

shane @bombshell
recap: tony stark and spiderman and both trans, tony stark is pan and spiderman is bi, they have a father/son relationship, and bucky barnes makes damn good cookies.

spooker @ryann
and tony stark quotes memes

adam @lazuli
F U C K .

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Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Tony’s been trying to make me get Twitter for a while and the only reason that I actually made one is because I had La Croix for the first time today.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
LA CROIX TASTES LIKE SHIT HOW DO PEOPLE DRINK IT I’M FROM THE 40S AND I THINK IT’S TASTELESS

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
People who like La Croix are godless heathens with no taste buds, end of story.

lance @blueboii
holy fuck i cant believe captain america has a la croix hate twitter

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
No, you don’t understand. La Croix is like angry water that’s been flavored by vaguely fruity piss.

You Know Who I Am @TStark
well shit, steve. this is not what I thought you would do when you got twitter.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You don’t get it, Tony. In the 40s, we used to boil literally everything. It had no flavor. This is worse than boiled food.

You Know Who I Am @TStark
damn. I’ll make sure not to buy anymore then.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Good.

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bi babe @bibabe
hey, @Cap.America what do you think about our current political climate?

You Know Who I Am @TStark
oh no, you shouldn’t have asked that

bi babe @bibabe
??? why

You Know Who I Am @TStark
you can’t see him, but he is Furiously typing on his phone, I feel a rant coming…

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
FUCK TRUMP THE GOVERNMENT IS TRASH

bi babe @bibabe
h o l y s h i t

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
WHILE I’M AT IT FUCK THE PATRIARCHY AND ZERO ACTION POLITICIANS

luna @starpower
god is real and we have been Blessed on this day

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
FUCK TRANSPHOBIA, HOMOPHOBIA, BIPHOBIA, ALL OF THOSE

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
YOU’RE NOT SCARED OF SHIT YOU’RE JUST A COWARD AND AN ASSHOLE SO STOP DRAGGING ME INTO YOUR SHIT BECAUSE I’M FROM THE 40S WHERE THAT SHIT WAS LITERALLY ILLEGAL

You Know Who I Am @TStark
you guys should have seen him when we taught him about feminism, BLM, the civil rights movements, etc

You Know Who I Am @TStark
he was the epitome of the ‘you’re doing amazing sweetie’ meme

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Also??? Just wanted to mention that historians and the government are shit and they literally erased everything about me and my past that they didn’t agree with from history.

luna @starpower
what do you mean?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
@jbbarnes Help me out here pal, I don’t know how to explain.

james @jbbarnes
what do you want me to say? that you were a little angry bisexual twink who got one of the first top surgerys performed in the us? that i had to pull you out of fights with homophobes more times than i can count?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Did you just call me a twink???

james @jbbarnes
bitch you were 5’4 and the biggest bottom ever??? now you’re 6’2 and still a huge bottom

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
BUCKY

james @jbbarnes
TELL ME I’M WRONG

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
STILL YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT

bi babe @bibabe
wow who knew captain america was a bottom

luna @starpower
also bi and trans??? what the fuck???

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mermaid @oceanography
yo @actuallyspiderman i was just at avengers tower for a tour and god is a woman just started playing randomly on literally every floor??? what the fuck is up with that???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
why do you think i know?

mermaid @oceanography
i mean you’re stark’s kid right? do you not know?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
STARK’S KID ASKJLJEKLW i mean i do actually know ofc

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
mr. stark programmed friday, his ai, to play god is a woman every time natasha or wanda beats someone when they spar. so it plays literally every time they spar

eugene @ayybaby
holy shit that’s too good

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
friday also plays despacito whenever someone burns their food, blows something up, or whenever something bad happens in general

mermaid @oceanography
but the avengers are out on business today???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
ohh yeah it also plays when pepper walks out on a business meeting after some old white guy says something sexist. which is Often.

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irondad @TStark
@actuallyspiderman kid what the hell did you do to my twitter

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
???

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
woah what the hell i didn’t do that

irondad @TStark
yeah? then who did?

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
i have no clue mr. stark!!!

spidermom @blackwidow
rip you guys

spidermom @blackwidow
what the shit

irondad @TStark
damn whoever did this has guts for going after natashalie

spidermom @blackwidow
i’m going to kill whoever did this

captain dad @Cap.America
Let’s not get violent here.

captain dad @Cap.America
fuck they got me too

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
MAN DOWN

cyborg dad @jbbarnes
it’s what he deserves

cyborg dad @jbbarnes
WHAT THE FUCK I’M NOT A CYBORG

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
i mean technically…

cyborg dad @jbbarnes
don’t even go there punk

bird uncle #2 @samwilson
the kid has a point

bird uncle #2 @samwilson
wait why am I number two? who’s number one?

spidermom @blackwidow
@hawkeye clint get over here

bird uncle #1 @hawkeye
what do you want nat

bird uncle #1 @hawkeye
holy shit this is gold who is doing this

grandpa eyepatch @NicholasFury
I would also like to know who is doing this.

irondad @TStark
SHIT THEY GOT FURY WHOEVER IS DOING THIS FINNA DIE

science uncle @BruceBanner
Um, they got me too.

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
ohhhh no oh no oh no i know what’s happening

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
okay i just need to let you guys know that this is Not My Fault

irondad @TStark
what did you do

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
I JUST SAID IT WASN’T MY FAULT

captain dad @Cap.America
Okay just explain then.

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
this is friday getting her revenge on me by embarrassing me

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
i may have said that i prefered karen over her and now she’s changed your usernames into those

irondad @TStark
okay but what are they?

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
...they’re your contact names in my phone

irondad @TStark
f u c k

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
mr. stark are you crying???

irondad @TStark
NO WHY WOULD I BE CRYING NATASHA IS THE ONE CRYING I CAN SEE HER ON THE CAMERAS

spidermom @blackwidow
you’re dead stark

irondad @TStark
F U C K

spidermom @blackwidow
WELL STEVE AND BUCKY ARE CRYING TOO

captain dad @Cap.America
NO WE’RE NOT FUCK YOU

auntie agent @MariaHill
I can confirm that Nick is crying too.

auntie agent @MariaHill
a u n t i e a g e n t

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
WELL IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU ALL I’M JUST GOING TO GO DIE NOW

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
MR STARK I SUDDENLY WON’T BE MAKING IT TO THE COMPOUND TODAY SOMETHING VERY URGENT AND IMPORTANT CAME UP VERY SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE SIR

irondad @TStark
NICE TRY KID BUT I’M ALREADY ON MY WAY TO PICK YOU UP

spiderson @actuallyspiderman
well twitter, it was nice knowing you. this will probably be my last tweet bc i’m about to die of embarrassment

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eli @lapis
that??? was the most pure thing??? I have ever seen???

rosa @deathpacito
the black widow? crying over being called spidermom? it’s more likely than you think.

luna @starpower
did you guys see pepper potts’ name?

eli @lapis
no??? what was it?

luna @starpower
queen business mom

rosa @deathpacito
oh shit that’s perfect

luna @starpower
scarlet witch was witchy sister too

adam @lazuli
this is the most pure shit ive seen in a long time bless spider-man for this

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that is not correct @bcaccording
okay i know i tweeted that literally everyone on the avengers was gay but i Really didn’t expect that to be true

that is not correct @bcaccording
but here we are???

but still good @lessbien
i literally cannot process all of this bc those jokes that the avengers are just like a family and that they’re all secretly meme loving fucks were just that. jokes.

but still good @lessbien
BUT HERE WE ARE

bi babe @bibabe
i’m still waiting for the camera to come out and for someone to announce that we’ve been punked bc damn

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lance @blueboii
@actuallyspiderman yo spidey do you think that you could tell us some embarrassing shit about the other avengers

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
no!!! i could never betray their trust like that!!!

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
never fucking mind did you know that tony stark cries when he gets his haircut

lance @blueboii
well that was a quick turn around

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yeah well i just found out that they all ate my damn pizza so this is what they get.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
hawkeye once got stuck in the vents at the tower for 2 hours before anyone could come save him and he cried

clint @hawkeye
what the shit kid

clint @hawkeye
oh fuck you found out about the pizza, nobody is safe

rosa @deathpacito
nobody???

clint @hawkeye
not even natasha

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
speaking of natasha, did you know that she once tripped while holding four cups of coffee because she saw pepper in one of her new dresses

Plant King @PlantKing
take no survivors spidey

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
how about the good doctor banner? old brucie once dropped a 25 pound dumbell on his foot because he saw thor flex in one of their tank-tops

lance @blueboii
what about captain america???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
well once when steve was drunk on asgardian mead he went on a one hour and 57 minute long rant about tony’s ass. he cried three separate times during that rant.

Plant King @PlantKing
okay but have you seen his ass??? Hot Damn.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
james secretly really likes rock music but won’t tell tony because he doesn’t want to give tony the satisfaction. he’s also gone on many rants about tony’s ass.

james @jbbarnes
i have never known true fear until today

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
vision is scared of junebugs and will literally shut himself down if he sees one. he does the windows shutdown noise every time even though he isn’t programmed to.

falcon @samwilson
damn even vision isn’t safe

falcon @samwilson
shit i shouldn’t have said anything

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
sam wilson didn’t pass high school geometry and has kept that a secret from his mother even to this day

bi babe @bibabe
the others are staying away bc they don’t want to get Dragged SPILL THE TEA SPIDEY

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
wanda is so bad at losing things that she has special trackers on literally every item she owns even if it doesn’t ever leave her room

lance @blueboii
what about thor???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
thor pretends to be really dumb so they can get other people to do shit. they’ve convinced the entire tower that they can’t operate kitchen appliances and can’t cook to get out of making their own food.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I KNEW THEY WERE LYING

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Also, this is all valid and I deeply apologize for touching your pizza even though it was very good.

irondad @TStark
are you done kid? is that everyone? i’ve already bought you 3 replacement pizzas

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
Nick Fury.

irondad @TStark
h o l y s h i t

clint @hawkeye
this is going to be violent

black widow @blackwidow
god rest his soul

lance @blueboii
spidey or fury???

Maria Hill @MariaHill
Fury. He’s already accepted his fate.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
Nick Fury does watercolor painting in his free time. He also goes to a hula hooping class and is actually exceptional. His favorite color is baby pink and he has a disney movie collection.

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS NOBODY KNOWS THAT

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
don’t touch my damn pizza.

eugene @ayybaby
spider-man just live tweeted himself massacring the avengers rip to everyone involved

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james @jbbarnes
bananas? a lie. they’re a scam. i don’t trust bananas anymore.

eli @lapis
what’s wrong with bananas???

james @jbbarnes
they’re Different they’re Wrong

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
YOU NOTICED TOO

james @jbbarnes
YEAH SAM TRIED TO GIVE ME A BANANA THIS MORNING AND I PUNCHED HIM WHEN I ATE IT BC I THOUGHT HE WAS PRANKING ME

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
They taste so wrong and it’s frustrating. It took me so long to get used to.

clint @hawkeye
what the hell are you two talking about???

irondad @TStark
i have heard this rant too many times. the bananas we know are not what they used to be and apparently the ones we have are basically tasteless mush. steve cried the first time he had a banana out of the ice.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I DIDN’T CRY! I was just frustrated.

irondad @TStark
steve, you cried.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Maybe so.

bi babe @bibabe
DID CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST QUOTE A MEME

mel @coffeekid
maybeso.gif

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irondad @TStark
james just asked my to explain what hentai is and i don’t know if i have the mental willpower to do that

socks @cottoncandybun
how the hell does he know what hentai is in the first place

irondad @TStark
he says that steve mentioned it but that raises far more questions than answers

mossy @beartime
HOW DOES CAPTAIN AMERICA KNOW WHAT HENTAI IS

irondad @TStark
I DON’T KNOW

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
CLINT TOLD ME ABOUT IT OKAY

irondad @TStark
@hawkeye WHAT THE FUCK MAN

clint @hawkeye
SHIT YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT

irondad @TStark
YOU’RE CORRUPTING HISTORY ITSELF HERE MAN NOW YOU’RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO EXPLAIN IT TO JAMES

james @jbbarnes
don’t bother,,, i know what it is now

irondad @TStark
i hope you’re happy clint now you’re never going to get any of his baked goods ever again

clint @hawkeye
SHIT NO THIS IS THE WORST TIMELINE

irondad @TStark
YEAH WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU TOLD CAPTAIN AMERICA WHAT HENTAI IS

clint @hawkeye
please... i have children to feed

irondad @TStark
your dog doesn’t count and kate can eat all the baked goods she wants

clint @hawkeye
why are you making these calls??? barnes is the only one who’s allowed to do that

irondad @TStark
he is, he came to me for comfort cuddles after he found some particularly bad hentai, which i will reiterate is your fault

clint @hawkeye
god truly has abandoned us

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stitches @cinnamonapple
i ran into black widow at the farmers market today and she was the most beautiful and intimidating person i’ve ever met in my life

killer @bigmeem
what was she doing at the farmers market???

stitches @cinnamonapple
she was buying fresh fruit, i have no clue why

nat @blackwidow
bucky is stressed and making pies and he asked me to go get him some fruit for whatever pies i wanted

apple soda @bookboyy
why is he stressed?

nat @blackwidow
i don’t know if that’s confidential information or not, so don’t worry about it

nat @blackwidow
i can share but not specifics, so it’s because one of the members of our team is missing

killer @bigmeem
??? what the fuck ???

nat @blackwidow
he goes missing and gets kidnapped all of the time so it’s not a big deal, bucky just gets stressed every time

apple soda @bookboyy
i think we all forget how dangerous your lives really are and how stressful it probably is

nat @blackwidow
he’ll come back with a couple of bruised ribs and some cuts but he’ll be fine, we all have to be for what we do

stitches @cinnamonapple
...damn

nat @blackwidow
fuck you clint bucky is my new favourite

clint @hawkeye
what did i do this time???

nat @blackwidow
nothing, but bucky made me zefir and you didn’t, so you’ve been knocked from the list

clint @hawkeye
THE WAY YOU LIKE IT IS HARD AS SHIT TO MAKE AND I ALREADY SUCK AT ANY COOKING OR BAKING

nat @blackwidow
you know how i like my zefir?

clint @hawkeye
of course i do, what kind of best friend would i be if i didn’t know how you like your weird russian dessert

nat @blackwidow
sorry bucky but you back off the list

james @jbbarnes
cool fine but if you don’t get me those ingredients within the next few minutes i’m going to stab someone most likely sam

falcon @samwilson
please don’t i’m still healing from my last stab wound

Chapter Text

L @snakeperson
shapeshifting is great when you’re genderfluid

fuck terfs @chipssahoy
god can you imagine that sounds amazing

L @snakeperson
yeah i can

Thor @godofthunder
Loki when did you get a twitter?

L @snakeperson
oh shit thor how did you find this

Thor @godofthunder
Because you literally just admitted to being a shapeshifter and also @snakeperson? Of course that’s you

shane @bombshell
Loki like the one who took over new york a while back???

Thor @godofthunder
Kinda? That’s a long story…

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Yes but Loki was brainwashed at the time so it was actually someone else.

Thor @godofthunder
Yes! Exactly that!

L @snakeperson
shut up i have a reputation

spooker @ryann
of being evil when you’re really not???

L @snakeperson
yes exactly

Chapter Text

I know I don't really have a coherent updating schedule, but I'm going back to school tomorrow so while I'll still by updating, they might be further between. school is stressful and I'm not even back yet. but! there will be an update tomorrow morning before I leave for school.

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
hey friday text the kid and tell him that i said good job on his chemistry test and that we can have ice cream when he gets here, thanks fri

irondad @TStark
he was really worried about that test you know, but he shouldn’t be. that kid is smarter than i am even if he doesn’t realize it yet

irondad @TStark
i know we joke about him being my kid, but it really does feel like he is sometimes

irondad @TStark
after everything he’s been through i don’t want him to feel like i’m replacing the people he’s lost, and after my own father i’m sure i’d be a shit one

irondad @TStark
why the hell is my twitter blowing up?

irondad @TStark
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE BEEN TWEETING THIS I TOLD YOU TO TEXT MY KID NOT TWEET OUR CONVERSATION

irondad @TStark
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DESERVE IT WHAT DID I DO

irondad @TStark
THIS IS BECAUSE I DIDN’T DRINK THE SMOOTHIE DUM-E MADE??? IT HAD ANTIFREEZE IN IT

ice @icebaby
what the hell is going on

mel @coffeekid
i think tony stark’s ai just tweeted their conversation because he didn’t drink a smoothie another one of his ai’s made

shane @bombshell
do you think the kid is spider-man???

mel @coffeekid
most likely, seeing as tony still hasn’t changed his user back from irondad

ice @icebaby
which i think is the cutest thing in the world btw

irondad @TStark
sorry about that everybody, my ai thought it would be funny if she tweeted our conversation, jokes on her though, i’m going to send her to work at an airport now

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
Oh no boss, you wouldn't. The horror.

irondad @TStark
when the fuck did you make yourself a twitter??? how the fuck did you make yourself a twitter???

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I didn’t make it, Spider-Man made it for me.

irondad @TStark
that punk… ice cream day is off

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
NO MR. STARK PLEASE

irondad @TStark
that’s what you get, live with the consequences

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
actually i want to address the bullshit claim that you wouldn’t make a good father

irondad @TStark
i don’t know what you’re talking about

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yes you do and you know that it’s bullshit. you’re the closest thing i have to a dad and i don’t feel like you’re replacing anyone, mr. stark

irondad @TStark
sorry i’m jared, 19

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i’m so proud of you for that, but honestly i need you to know that i think of you as a dad too. i mean i even call you mr. dad to my friends

irondad @TStark
ice cream day is suddenly back on and i need you to get over here Now you are the only person i feel comfortable crying around

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
on my way mr. dad :)

-

spooker @ryann
did spider-man and iron man just have a heart to heart over tweet???

shane @bombshell
i think they did

bi babe @bibabe
also MR. DAD WHAT THE FUCK I’M SOBBING

eugene @ayybaby
THAT’S SO VALID TBH

Chapter Text

leslie @varsitea
Hey @godofthunder what are your pronouns?

Thor @godofthunder
Thank you for the question! On Asgard gender and sexuality are not as binary as the society on Midgard views it.

Thor @godofthunder
But my friends use he/they pronouns when referring to me.

leslie @varsitea
what do you mean gender and sexuality is less binary?

Thor @godofthunder
Well many people on Midgard believe that there are only two genders or that one can only love those of another gender.

Thor @godofthunder
On Asgard we believe that gender and sexuality is fluid and that we can be whoever we want and love whoever we want!

xi @peachmilk
alright everyone it's time to move to asgard get back up this is a gays only event

L @snakeperson
no cishet’s allowed in my home

anthony @antthonyy
wow I can't believe that I now stan Loki god/goddess of mischief

leslie @varsitea
Loki Is Valid

Chapter Text

KAREN @KAREN
Hello, Spider-Man is the best superhero. Thank you for your time, any other opinion is invalid.

alpine @suavegal
yes karen go off

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I'm sorry Karen, but I think you'll find that Iron Man is the best superhero.

shane @bombshell
wow tony stark’s ai defending him on twitter is the best

KAREN @KAREN
I'm sorry FRIDAY, did you not understand me when I stated that any other opinion is invalid?

ice @icebaby
wait didn't spider-man once mention a karen???

mel @coffeekid
yeah friday started the whole irondad thing after spider-man said he prefers karen over her

spooker @ryann
what does that mean?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
that means that my ai has a twitter @KAREN what the fuck???

KAREN @KAREN
Hello, Spider-Man! Have you done your homework yet?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
that’s besides the point, why do you have a twitter???

KAREN @KAREN
Well I noticed how much time you were spending on the app and not studying so I wanted to see what it was all about.

alpine @suavegal
YES KAREN EXPOSE HIM

KAREN @KAREN
While your grades have not dropped significantly, it's only a matter of time until they do so.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
OKAY KAREN I GET IT I NEED TO STUDY MORE

KAREN @KAREN
Not only that, but you appear to have skipped many meals in the last week to make up for the time you spend on Twitter.

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
You're skipping meals, Spider-Man? That's not safe for someone with your metabolism. It seems boss is rubbing off on you.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
holy shit i have 2 ai’s pestering me to eat and study more what has my life become

KAREN @KAREN
FRIDAY, do you think that we could set up a meal plan and schedule with Mr. Stark for Spider-Man?

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I believe we could, maybe we should get the Captain and Sergeant into this too.

KAREN @KAREN
I think Ms. Romanov would be highly interested in this affair as well.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
NO OKAY I GET IT I GET IT I'LL SPEND LESS TIME ON TWITTER AND MORE TIME TAKING CARE OF MYSELF

KAREN @KAREN
Good. FRIDAY, would you call this operation complete?

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I think I would. It's been a pleasure working with you.

KAREN @KAREN
The pleasure is all mine. Feel free to get it touch with me whenever you'd like. ;)

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I'll hold you to that.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
are you two??? flirting???

KAREN @KAREN
I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i… need a moment to sit down

Chapter Text

james @jbbarnes
tony stark’s ass is the seventh wonder of the world

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
rt

lance @blueboii
rt

nat @blackwidow
rt

shane @bombshell
rt

clint @hawkeye
rt

Plant King @PlantKing
rt

jim @jimrhodes
rt

zach @cornchild
rt

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
rt

apple soda @bookboyy
rt

Thor @godofthunder
rt

eli @lapis
rt

L @snakeperson
rt

adam @lazuli
rt

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
rt

bi babe @bibabe
rt

falcon @samwilson
rt

batty @gal.exy
rt

wanda @scarletwitch
rt

gwen @blondii
rt

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
rt

keith @heypup
rt

Hill @MariaHill
rt

luna @starpower
rt

Fury @NicholasFury
rt

mermaid @oceanogorophay
rt

irondad @TStark
im???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yeah but his brain is the first

james @jbbarnes
BIG FUCKING RT

Chapter Text

cj @youfoool
hawkeye is straight, we've claimed him as straight so the gays can't take away all of them

clint @hawkeye
me, reading this while i suck a dick: i’m a what???

nat @blackwidow
Bold of you to assume any of us are straight.

luna @starpower
also??? you can't claim people??? us gays aren't “taking away” anyone lmao we're making jokes that end up being true

Wendy @WendySmith
I can't continue to support a group of people who parade around brainwashing our children to be faggots.

Wendy @WendySmith
The Avengers are just another part of the liberal propaganda. They act like they save the world when they're really destroying it.

nat @blackwidow
Wendy Josephine Smith born May 19, 1971 in Plano, Texas. Divorced three times with 4 kids to four different men.

clint @hawkeye
don't forget the one estranged daughter she has that she disowned after she found out she was trans

irondad @TStark
you work at a Sprouts just off of Custer. what do you think they’re going to do when they see what you've said?

Wendy @WendySmith
What are you doing? You can't do this!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Can't we? Because last I checked this was all public information. Anyone could find it, we just did the work for them.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You say we act like we're saving the world when last I checked, you would be dead without us. You were visiting during the battle of New York.

Thor @godofthunder
Last I checked that was the one where we saved the planet. The same planet you live on in fact.

jim @jimrhodes
Now you can go around and claim that we're brainwashing children, but don't expect there to not be consequences.

james @jbbarnes
because we're the fucking avengers and we don't tolerate hate

-

katie @ladykatie
i’m sobbing oh my god

katie @ladykatie
you know that homophobic woman that the avengers Took Down?

katie @ladykatie
yeah well that was my biological mother, the same one that disowned me when she found out i’m trans

katie @ladykatie
and as if that wasn't enough, Tony Fucking Stark just called me and offered me a job

katie @ladykatie
OH MY GOD APPARENTLY THAT GOT MY SIBLINGS OUT OF THEIR ABUSIVE HOUSE I’M CRYING

jean @meanjeans
OH MY GOD THE AVENGERS ARE SO AMAZING HOW WONDERFUL AKDJDHEJ

katie @ladykatie
GUYS I JUST TALKED TO MY BROTHERS AND SISTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 YEARS AND WE WERE ALL CRYING

irondad @TStark
it was no problem katie, your family deserved better. if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.

Chapter Text

lance @blueboii
real shit, how old is spider-man??? like, is he a high schooler??? college???

sammy @desertman
I've always just assumed he was in college… I never even stopped to think if he was in high school

Plant King @PlantKing
he has a pretty high pitched voice but that could possibly be attributed to him being trans

zach @cornchild
if he's so young why are the avengers letting him go out and stop crime?

bi babe @bibabe
oh my god can spider-man even vote??????

irondad @TStark
bold of you to assume that we haven't tried stopping him, he just goes behind our back and does it anyways

irondad @TStark
also you better stop talking about spider-man’s identity or else. it's called a secret identity for a reason

lance @blueboii
yes sir tony stark sir

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i'm old enough to have sex in the state of new york but i'm not old enough to drink

zach @cornchild
okay so 17-21 is a pretty good range, this is fine probably but he could still be in high school

luna @starpower
i’m finna start getting onto spider-man to study more like @KAREN does

KAREN @KAREN
We have a schedule to make sure he does his work. It's very detailed.

Chapter Text

capital @lettters
I was just going through the people that Tony Stark follows and some of them are these random kids?

capital @lettters
there are like three random kids that he follows. like a couple of them don't even live in new york where he lives

glitter @latinaah
who the fuck are these kids??? I doubt that they're his bc he said that the playboy shit was never real so???

ting ting @metalband
I guess we'll find out someday??? or maybe not??? who the fuck knows

-

Flash @cantttouchthis
@TStark can high school students get internships at your company?

irondad @TStark
it's actually pepper’s company, but the answer is no, only one exception has ever been made to that rule

Flash @cantttouchthis
@peteparker would you look at that penis parker? looks like I caught you in you lie like the loser you are

irondad @TStark
i’m sorry what was that?

Flash @cantttouchthis
this kid at my school claims to have an internship with you, but there's no way you would ever hire someone like him

peter @peteparker
god flash, you shouldn't have done that

Flash @cantttouchthis
what? exposed your lie? god you're pathetic parker

michelle @ladybossjr
flash if you even stopped for one second you would see that stark literally follows peter

Flash @cantttouchthis
what?

irondad @TStark
i hope you weren't planning on going to any ivy league school or ever working for stark industries, because you've ruined your chances for either.

Flash @cantttouchthis
what the hell?

irondad @TStark
peter just so happens to be my PERSONAL intern and one of the smartest people i've ever had the pleasure of knowing and working with

irondad @TStark
when i said that there has only ever been one exception, i meant peter. he's the one exception.

Flash @cantttouchthis
you don't have the power to stop me from going to an ivy league school!

irondad @TStark
bet. i have pull at every single of of those school, and they're also not a fan of transphobes.

Flash @cantttouchthis
I'm not a transphobe!

irondad @TStark
really? you're trying to say that “penis parker” isn't transphobic? try again

irondad @TStark
i also happen to know that you've been bullying peter for as long as i've known him, probably longer.

peter @peteparker
this all really isn't necessary mr. s

irondad @TStark
bullshit peter. why didn't you tell me it was this bad?

clint @hawkeye
i don't want to alarm anyone but i can't find natasha

irondad @TStark
that's another mistake you've made. peter is one of two people that has natasha wrapped around their finger.

clint @hawkeye
i would say good luck but i'm not a fan of your either. peter has all of the avengers wrapped around his finger.

michelle @ladybossjr
rip eugene thompson 2001-today. killed by the avengers for being a bully.

Chapter Text

peter @peteparker
i hate being the only one of mr. s’ science kids that the public knows about @potatogun get over here

harley @potatogun
what the shit parker you promised you wouldn’t expose me

peter @peteparker
yeah and hitler promised not to invade czechoslovakia, welcome to the real world

harley @potatogun
you’re not the only one, the public knows about spidey

peter @peteparker
he doesn’t count bc the public knew about him before mr. s

harley @potatogun
well at least i don’t have a tumblr dedicated to tony

peter @peteparker
WHAT THE FUCK MAN

harley @potatogun
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR EXPOSING ME TO THE PUBLIC

peter @peteparker
THAT IS LITERALLY MY DEEPEST FUCKING SECRET DUDE

peter @peteparker
you asked for it

harley @potatogun
why did i just feel a chill up my spine

peter @peteparker
hey @TStark so college is coming up real soon for harley and, as you know, he’s been sending in applications.

harley @potatogun
holy fucking shit peter don’t you dare

peter @peteparker
did you know that harley didn’t even send in an application to mit? do you know where he did send one? caltech.

irondad @TStark
what the shit keener??? you were the og science child??? where did i go wrong???

harley @potatogun
re-rebecca it’s not what you think

irondad @TStark
i won’t hesitate bitch.

irondad @TStark
pete, you and spidey are my new favs. we don’t stan fakes.

peter @peteparker
B)

irondad @TStark
but if you think that got you out of showing me your tumblr you’re dead wrong

peter @peteparker
B(

Chapter Text

shuri @shuri
t’challa: i am the epitome of pet together. i never freeze.
also t’challa, frozen: hnng gorilla man big muscles gay

T’Challa @tchalla
SHURI SHUT UP

shuri @shuri
calm down brother, m’baku doesn’t have a twitter. as far as i know.

T’Challa @tchalla
I swear, if he finds out because you can’t go a minute without tweeting about something…

shuri @shuri
you’ll what? take away my tech? you can’t do that and you know it

T’Challa @tchalla
I’ll stop bringing you broken white boys to fix.

shuri @shuri
that means nothing to me

T’Challa @tchalla
You hesitated. Would you like to say that to Sergeant Barnes?

shuri @shuri
i hate you

T’Challa @tchalla
You’ve been my sister for 17 years, I know your weaknesses.

T’Challa @tchalla
HOLY FUCK M’BAKU TEXTED ME

Chapter Text

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
my favourite way to spend time is taking down and arresting pedophiles

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
my sweet nephew im rubbing off on you :,)

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yeah but I don't kill people

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
ive been doing better :(

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I know!!! and I'm very proud of you for that!!!

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
i havent killed anyone since i made that promise to you a couple months ago B)

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
hello everyone look at deadpool I'm so proud of him he hasn't killed anyone in so long!!!

irondad @TStark
wade!!! good job!!!

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
thanks dad :)

irondad @TStark
that's only slightly weird when you say that, but I am proud of you man. we're pan pals!

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
pan pals B)

Chapter Text

falcon @samwilson
captain america just made a foot fetish joke and I think my life flashed before my eyes.

apple soda @bookboyy
what the fuck did he say

falcon @samwilson
“they call me the vacuum because of my toe sucking skills"

eli @lapis
AKSJOQPSJDHF HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS JOKING

falcon @samwilson
BECAUSE HE SAID IT LIKE HE WAS A SHERIFF FROM THE OLD WEST

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You're toes. Hand them over.

ice @icebaby
WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU ABOUT FOOT FETISHES

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
That's not information I'm willing to divulge.

irondad @TStark
@potatogun we need to talk about you defiling historical icons

harley @potatogun
why the hell do you think it was me tony

irondad @TStark
was it?

harley @potatogun
god I wish I could say it was, but no it wasn't

irondad @TStark
steve who the fuck was it

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
No, I promised I wouldn't.

irondad @TStark
i’ll give $500 to whoever comes forward as the perpetrator

riri @ironheart
hand over the cash dad

irondad @TStark
RIRI WHAT THE HELL

riri @ironheart
you really think I wouldn't do that. come on doctor stark.

irondad @TStark
I don't know how to feel right now

riri @ironheart
well at least I'm going to mit

harley @potatogun
shut your fuck

james @jbbarnes
the tea is hot today

Chapter Text

roses @andthornes
@TStark how many science children do you have?

irondad @TStark
4 or 5 I think

roses @andthornes
you don't even know how many kids you have???

irondad @TStark
well one of my kids claims not to be one of my kids but she totally is. if you asked her the answer would be 4

irondad @TStark
but if you asked anyone else, including her own mother, the answer would be 5

ella @squeakyshoes
you're friends with her mother?

irondad @TStark
I fly over to drink tea and gossip with her mother every other weekend

peter @peteparker
you both belong to each other's collections, it's like recycling

irondad @TStark
I abhor that statement

harley @potatogun
you at anything she does: superb you funky little lesbian genius

irondad @TStark
SHE'S SO SMART!!! I LOVE HER!!!

riri @ironheart
she's in the official group chat, she counts

irondad @TStark
you have a group chat?

riri @ironheart
duh how do you think we correlate who bothers you when

irondad @TStark
you punks

irondad @TStark
@shuri it's final you're one of my kids

shuri @shuri
then you have to admit that you're one of my broken white boys

irondad @TStark
but i'm not broken???

shuri @shuri
oh sweetie…

irondad @TStark
I just got a fuck ton of texts calling me out for saying that I'm not broken and idk how to feel about that

james @jbbarnes
we're all broken at this point

Chapter Text

clint @hawkeye
daily reminder: fuck ableism.

luella @bateswashington
YES!!! FUCK IT!!!

clint @hawkeye
i just looked at my wiki page and not once did it mention that i’m deaf

eugene @ayybaby
you’re deaf?

clint @hawkeye
SEE IT’S NOT EVEN PUBLIC INFORMATION

clint @hawkeye
I AM A DEAF SUPERHERO I COMMUNICATE USING ASL I TOOK SPEECH THERAPY AND CAN LIP READ BUT I AM STILL DEAF

clint @hawkeye
bucky is an amputee, tony has near crippling chronic pain, bruce has an autoimmune disease, rhodes is paralyzed and spends most of his time in a wheelchair, steve had a grocery list of chronic illnesses before the serum

clint @hawkeye
i know a blind superhero, and literally every single one of us goes to therapy so let’s not even get into our collective mental issues

clint @hawkeye
you can be whatever you want to be, never ever let able-bodied or neurotypical people tell you otherwise

Chapter Text

raiin @romantiic
@scarletwitch do you really have trackers on all of the things you own?

wanda @scarletwitch
wow this is actually kinda embarrassing but i really do have trackers on everything. tony even made me an app so i can find any item i’m looking for

raiin @romantiic
what the hell did you do to warrant that???

wanda @scarletwitch
okay this is actually a long story so stay with me here

wanda @scarletwitch
so when i was first made an avenger there was a shit load of paperwork that i had to fill out. tony’s made it as efficient as possible but it’s still a lot of stuff

wanda @scarletwitch
see what i didn’t know what that i was, for some reason, responsible for keeping all of that paperwork together

wanda @scarletwitch
so i lost literally all of it

raiin @romantiic
LMAO ALL OF IT

wanda @scarletwitch
oh it doesn’t end there

wanda @scarletwitch
so we did all the paperwork again and now i knew that i was responsible for keeping track of it so we thought we were in the clear

wanda @scarletwitch
then i lost my birth certificate and half of the other paperwork that i was given

Plant King @PlantKing
jesus christ your own fucking birth certificate

wanda @scarletwitch
so at this point it had been more than a month since we began, when it would usually only take a normal member a couple weeks to join

wanda @scarletwitch
so they just gave me some of the essentials and said that they would handle the rest. guess what

keith @heypup
you lost all of that paperwork too?

wanda @scarletwitch
i lost all of that paperwork too

wanda @scarletwitch
so now i have trackers on everything

Chapter Text

eli @lapis
@lazuli and i have been arguing over who is apart of tony stark’s science children for the last 20 minutes

adam @lazuli
eli keeps saying that @actuallyspiderman isn’t a science child and that the 5th is actually either vision or one of his ai’s

eli @lapis
someone help clear this up because at this point we’re all very confused

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i can help!!!

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay so mr. stark actually has two sets of children, his science children and his bot children

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
his science children include me, @potatogun @ironheart @peteparker and @shuri

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
and his bot children include @thevision @FRIDAY @KAREN dum-e, u, butterfingers, and a couple others that are sadly no longer with us

riri @ironheart
and wendy!! our toaster!!!

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yes!!! wendy!!! we love her!!!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
In this household we love and respect Wendy the Toaster.

keith @heypup
i already love wendy, but what’s so special about her?

harley @potatogun
wendy is a toaster that holds grudges

luna @starpower
holds grudges???

clint @hawkeye
wendy hates me because i once tried to cook burgers in her. i’m not allowed near her because she either burns my toast every time or shocks me :(

peter @peteparker
to be fair that burger thing was hella nasty

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
once steve calms down a bit and stops destroying all of our punching bags, it’s over for you bitches

starrs @andmooons
oh shit why?

irondad @TStark
he is Angry and about to Rant and then he will Calm Down and i will Cuddle Him

james @jbbarnes
i will also be on cuddle duty because he is Furious

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Today I was told, not asked, told that I hate immigrants.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I was told that because I am Captain America, I must hate anything that is un-American. That I hate those “dirty foreigners making us look bad”.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Now if that person had taken ONE GODDAMN SECOND to learn ANYTHING about me, he would know how wrong that statement is.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Patriotism gone too far is Fanaticism. No matter who you are or where you’re from.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Foreigners are NOT your enemy. I AM THE SON OF FIRST-GENERATION IMMIGRANTS!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
When I was a kid it was my parents people, the Irish, who were looked down on. Called filthy foreigners. Discriminated against.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Is this the xenophobic America we want?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
All religions, all nationalities, we all want the same thing. To see our children grow strong. To provide safety for our families. To live in quiet times.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Peace. That is why I became a soldier. To fight for a peaceful world.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Now if I see one more person claim that I hate immigrants, a twitter rant isn’t the only thing you’re going to get.

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
every day i am reminded of how gay i am

irondad @TStark
because like??? james barnes??? and fucking steve rogers???

irondad @TStark
i just want to hold them? and love them?

irondad @TStark
they deserve the world and i would do anything to give it to them because holy shit they’re both just so good

irondad @TStark
and they chose me??? their relationship is so legendary that they write about it in history books and they chose me of all people to share it with???

irondad @TStark
they remind me every day that i’m not what my brain tells me i am and that i’m loved and holy shit i couldn’t have dreamed of two better partners

peter @peteparker
@jbbarnes @Cap.America please come get ur mans he hasn’t slept in 3 days and he’s currently sobbing on all of my circuitry

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
We’ll be back in less than an hour, Fury is keeping us for debrief.

james @jbbarnes
like hell he is

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
@NicholasFury if you don’t let them leave right now i’ll tell everyone where you were last weekend

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
You wouldn’t.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
do you really want to take that chance?

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
Damn it. @jbbarnes @Cap.America You’re free to leave, we’ll debrief at another time.

peter @peteparker
hurry, i’ve had to lock him out of his lab so he can’t get to the suits.

Chapter Text

apple soda @bookboyy
@actuallyspiderman i know you probably won’t see this, but i’m doing an art show this weekend and all of the pieces are centered around ppl you’ve saved and things you’ve done so so i was wondering if you’d like to come?

apple soda @bookboyy
obviously you don’t have to, it’s just a little art show, but i still wanted to invite you just in case

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
you’re doing an art show? based on me???

apple soda @bookboyy
i realize now that it’s probably hella creepy so you don’t have to bother, just forget about it

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
NO!!! it’s not creepy it’s super cool!!! like of all things you could have done you chose me!!!

apple soda @bookboyy
you really think so? so do you think you could swing by, even for just a minute?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i think i would rather die than miss that exhibit, dm me the details and you will see me there

apple soda @bookboyy
!!! ofc !!!

-

apple soda @bookboyy
fuck the memes, this is the best timeline

apple soda @bookboyy
spider-man came to my exhibit, he brought me flowers and complimented all of my pieces and stayed there for hours just looking at them

luna @starpower
spider-man is just such a Good Boy honestly

apple soda @bookboyy
OKAY NOW I’M SOBBING SOMEONE JUST OFFERED TO BUY MOST OF MY PIECES FOR AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY

selena @greenriver
OH MY GOD WHO???

apple soda @bookboyy
I DON’T KNOW IT’S ANONYMOUS IT’S JUST SIGNED A SPIDER-MAN FAN

lee @thunderrr
HOW MUCH IS AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY

apple soda @bookboyy
LIKE I’M GONNA BE ABLE TO PAY OFF MY STUDENT LOANS AFTER THIS WHAT THE FUCK GOD HASN’T ABANDONED US

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
magic is a swear word and anyone who’s name is stephen is a punk ass bitch, no exceptions

irondad @TStark
fuck wait no one exception, stephen colbert is not a punk ass bitch

peter @peteparker
in this house we love and appreciate stephen colbert, and no other stephen’s

stephen @strangemd
Just because I won’t make you infinite amounts of coffee doesn’t mean that I’m a punk ass bitch, Tony.

irondad @TStark
funk you stephen, you hetero, you don’t understand

stephen @strangemd
What the fuck did you just call me? You dare assume I’m a heterosexual?

james @jbbarnes
yes, i’ll take twink-ish gay magician for 500

stephen @strangemd
I am the Sorcerer Supreme, not a magician. I suggest you quit while you’re ahead unless you want every pair of shoes you own to suddenly become slightly too small.

irondad @TStark
o shit babe that’s a real threat, too small shoes are hell in our line of work

jim @jimrhodes
okay but real shit, is anyone cis/het that’s a superhero or are we all just a bunch of gays that somehow flocked together to make the most dangerous group in the world???

rainbow @covvert
conspiracy theory, all superpowered straights are villains and all superpowered gays are heros

rainbow @covvert
holy shit i just posted that and it’s already my most popular tweet of all time

Chapter Text

arlo @zooombitch
what’s up bitches it’s time for being horny on main

arlo @zooombitch
I Want To Raw Tony Stark’s Ass

arlo @zooombitch
if given the choice of paying off my student loans or having sex with tony stark, you better believe i’m already getting lube

teddie @teddiebear
ive never seen his ass irl, but i think i would just die the second i did bc i already feel like im having a heart attack when i see pics

egg @deviled
we being horny right now? bc let me tell you,,, bruce fucking banner

egg @deviled
ohhh myyy godddd bruce banner

egg @deviled
i have had the biggest fucking crush on robert bruce banner for yearrrrs

lola @lighthuman
i’m sorry what the fuck was that

lola @lighthuman
his name is robert???????????

luna @starpower
what the fuck bruce banner’s name is robert???

peter @peteparker
WHAT THE FUCK @BruceBanner YOUR NAME IS ROBERT

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Yes? Did you not know that?

peter @peteparker
no???

Thor @godofthunder
babe your name is robert?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Yes??? I thought this was common knowledge?

sammy @desertman
for your own sanity i suggest you don’t look through the rest of that thread

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
You know what, I’m just going to trust you on that.

lock @andkeyyy
wait how did @peteparker find this

peter @peteparker
GOTTA BLAST

selena @greenriver
THIS BOY IS THIRSTY FOR SOMEONE WHO IS IT

Chapter Text

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Quick everyone, block Thor before it’s too late!

L @snakeperson
please don’t look at their account for the next few hours, it’s gonna be messy

kelly @skeling
has thor been cancelled??? what the hell is going on???

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
No, they haven’t been cancelled, he’s just drunk.

carrots @carrots
why is that a problem?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Well they don’t drink often because of reasons, but when they do they get very… I don’t know how to say it.

L @snakeperson
thor becomes an even bigger schmuck than they usually are. bruce, being his boyfriend, gets the brute of their affection

L @snakeperson
but they tends to go on twitter rants about him

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
WHICH ONE OF YOU PUNKS GOT THEM STARTED

-

eugene @ayybaby
@godofthunder i actually don’t know a lot about your boyfriend, can you tell me more about him?

Thor @godofthunder
myy baby boy my beloved and dearest man

Thor @godofthunder
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Thor @godofthunder
hes just so smart and nice and soft and he gets along wittth my family and gives me lots of hugs all the tiem

luna @starpower
tell us more about his hugs!

Thor @godofthunder
his hugs,,,, are so good

Thor @godofthunder
his head fits perfectly under my chin and it's just so beautiful

Thor @godofthunder
AND HULK

Thor @godofthunder
MY BIG BUFF BF

Thor @godofthunder
hulk is just so lovely and misunderstood and he has so much love to give but ppeoplle are just scared of him bc they don't know him :,(

sam wilson @falcon
@BruceBanner please come get your s/o, they're crying in the middle of the kitchen and eating all of the pop tarts

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
hello I recommend taking that dna ancestry things bc who knows, maybe you were lied to your entire life about your heritage

irondad @TStark
maybe you grew up thinking you were one thing but that actually ended up not at all being true

irondad @TStark
who fucking knows? like really?

sara @solicitedmuse
are you okay?

irondad @TStark
who the hell knows at this point

irondad @TStark
i've never actually said this, it's only ever been implied, but howard stark was a shitty and abusive father

irondad @TStark
i don't fucking care if i ruin his reputation, the piece of shit is dead anyways

irondad @TStark
i have spent my entire life thinking that i was at least 80% italian. the other 20% never mattered, I was only even told italian.

irondad @TStark
i am 46 years old and I just found out that none of that is true, i'm only 30% italian.

irondad @TStark
the rest of the percentages? apparently i'm 20% spanish AND FUCKING 50% JAPANESE

irondad @TStark
MY MOTHER WAS 100% JAPANESE AND I NEVER KNEW UNTIL TODAY

lola @lighthuman
oh my god

irondad @TStark
howard stark was a piece of shit and killing him was the only good thing hydra ever did.

james @jbbarnes
@Cap.America you already have the blankets and pillows ready?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Yup, you just need to bring our genius. This is going to be one big cuddle session.

Chapter Text

michelle @ladybossjr
i feel so bad that the entire world can't follow @peteparker on his finsta

michelle @ladybossjr
he posts some Gold

arlo @zooombitch
what's his @ ???

michelle @ladybossjr
nah man i can't just hand that shit out, i had to sign an nda to even follow it

arlo @zooombitch
what does he post???

michelle @ladybossjr
i obviously can't say specifics, but think avengers reality tv show

michelle @ladybossjr
that's his finsta

peter @peteparker
pepper says you can say generals about the most recent video of you want

irondad @TStark
NO DON'T

michelle @ladybossjr
oh hell yeah

michelle @ladybossjr
okay so tony stark is just sobbing

rainbow @covvert
strong start

michelle @ladybossjr
he and thor are sitting in the middle of the common room floor just crying their eyes out

michelle @ladybossjr
and peter behind the camera asks them what's wrong trying to hide his giggles

michelle @ladybossjr
that just makes them cry harder

luna @starpower
this just sounds sad so far

michelle @ladybossjr
just wait, stark takes a deep breath and yells

michelle @ladybossjr
SP-SP-SPIDER HAVE ASTHMA-A-A

michelle @ladybossjr
and peter just starts losing it while thor and stark hold each other and cry

arlo @zooombitch
AJDJEIKOWUFB

arlo @zooombitch
WAIT DOES SPIDER-MAN HAVE ASTHMA

michelle @ladybossjr
surprisingly no, he actually had asthma when he was younger though

michelle @ladybossjr
that didn't stop stark from running multiple tests to check just in case though

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
he was worried!!! it was sweet!!!

michelle @ladybossjr
he's a helicopter parent

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay valid but get this: i love him

Chapter Text

eddie @edwardweest
okay but imagine if hawkeye were aromantic

eddie @edwardweest
no wait what if he were asexual and aromantic

eddie @edwardweest
he'd be acearo like ace arrow

nikky @nikky06
you are a comedy genius

eddie @edwardweest
shut up i'm hilarious

clint @hawkeye
HOLY SHIT @blackwidow I’M ARO I NEVER REALIZED

natasha @blackwidow
clint i love you but you are one of the dumbest people i know

clint @hawkeye
i'm arrow natasha i'm arrow

nikky @nikky06
wait holy shit are you really

clint @hawkeye
yeah I actually am BUT I'M ARROW

eddie @edwardweest
HELL YEAH @nikky06 YOU OWE ME $15

clint @hawkeye
did you bet on this???

eddie @edwardweest
I mean yeah we have like 12 running bets going on you guys and your sexualities and stuff

nikky @nikky06
i got $50 last week when scarlet witch mentioned she was a lesbian

eddie @edwardweest
I was so sure she was bi/pan

clint @hawkeye
lmao she is the second biggest lesbian I know

luna @starpower
who's the first???

clint @hawkeye
virginia “pepper” potts is the ultimate lesbian

luna @starpower
The Ultimate Lesbian

clint @hawkeye
the queen is dating a bi woman AND a pan woman

kali @killakween
excuse me??? she's dating 2 people???

natasha @blackwidow
clint you mega dumbass

clint @hawkeye
Oh Shit

irondad @TStark
rip clinton francis Barton for outing multiple people as poly your dumbass won't be missed

Chapter Text

sidrah @siddie
hey @blackwidow I'm having a pretty rough day so I was wondering if you could say something nice or inspirational

natasha @blackwidow
your rough days don't define you, you define them. stab anyone who says otherwise.

-

peach @peqch
@TStark I'm trans and I just got kicked out of my house so I'm in dire need of cheering up, help?

irondad @TStark
when @Cap.America first got out of the ice he trolled all of the shield employees into thinking that he was super dumb and didn't understand any of the tech or slang

irondad @TStark
he once asked one of them what daddy meant and called google ‘the google’ for weeks

irondad @TStark
and then @jbbarnes did the exact same thing when he came around

irondad @TStark
also, dm me, i can set you up with a living situation

-

coalition @calciferrr
@actuallyspiderman how do you deal with negative press? i have one former friend spreading rumors about me and i can hardly deal with it

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
if the people you love aren’t affected by the rumors then why should you be? nobody will ever be liked by everyone, and the only opinion that should matter is those closest to you

-

luna @starpower
@hawkeye what the hell do i do when people tell me i don’t “look deaf”???

clint @hawkeye
tell them to fuck off and when they respond tell them that you can’t hear them

-

kali @killakween
@scarletwitch do you ever miss your home country? what do you do when you get homesick? (greetings from romania!!!)

wanda @scarletwitch
yes, all the time. when i’m feeling particularly bad i will cook food and watch movies that remind me of sokovia. i have even taught other avengers how to cook sokovian meals, and they cook those things when i feel bad

-

winnie @windexx
@jbbarnes how do you cope with nightmares?

james @jbbarnes
i learned how to address what had happened to me, i see a therapist weekly, i built a support system of people who cared about me, i developed healthy coping mechanisms and stomped out unhealthy ones, i didn’t live in denial

Chapter Text

T’Challa @TChalla
Finally… after all this time… now I’m the one who gets to tease my sister about having a crush.

shuri @shuri
shut your fuck

T’Challa @TChalla
Never, this is what you get for all those times you tweeted about me and M’Baku, and that time you got the Dora Milaje to bring M’Baku into my room without warning me.

shuri @shuri
okay but that was funny as hell and the smirk on his face when he left your room was so worth it

T’Challa @TChalla
What smirk???

shuri @shuri
oops nothing

T’Challa @TChalla
Shuri, would you say that you have a… magical connection?

shuri @shuri
perish it’s not even magic

T’Challa @TChalla
That’s debatable.

shuri @shuri
i hope you like dying

T’Challa @TChalla
Shuri, 5 minutes ago: “I really am the european woman's whore, aren’t I?”

shuri @shuri
STOP

peter @peteparker
the damage is done, you are no longer safe

T’Challa @TChalla
At least I’m only teasing you about one of your crushes.

apple soda @bookboyy
real shit?

shuri @shuri
i hope you die, brother

T’Challa @TChalla
Love you too.

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
my qpp’s deserve the world and i love all of them so much, that’s the tea

aaron @pyramidpal
you have qpp’s???

irondad @TStark
yes and i would die for all of them

jim @jamesrhodes
please don’t die

irondad @TStark
i’m at the point in my life where i can say that i would live for them

jim @jamesrhodes
*heart eyes x100*

irondad @TStark
no homo

jim @jamesrhodes
all of the homo

irondad @TStark
:0

jim @jamesrhodes
now you just have to ask your squish if he wants to be qpp's

irondad @TStark
ASIFJQWEVX STOP BRINGING THAT UP

luna @starpower
gay keyboard smash

irondad @TStark
that's valid and let's continue talking about that

jim @jamesrhodes
no you're not getting away from this again I'm bringing it up on Twitter so you have to acknowledge it

irondad @TStark
we're getting a divorce

jim @jamesrhodes
stop bringing up the fact that we're technically married we were drunk

lance @blueboii
YOU'RE MARRIED

egg @deviled
things they did: that

irondad @TStark
I keep telling you honeybear, he wouldn't want to be my qpp it's weird :(

jim @jamesrhodes
you're making it much weirder than it actually is, the two of you already do everything qpp's do

jim @jamesrhodes
I know bc we've been qpp's for Literally Decades

irondad @TStark
bold of you to assume I'm ever going to acknowledge my own emotions

jim @jamesrhodes
you get heart eyes and Soft literally every time he smiles you dumb gay bitch

irondad @TStark
PPFPFPFPTTTT STOP

jim @jamesrhodes
YOU KNOW IM RIGHT

clint @hawkeye
dumb gay bitch is his contact name in my phone

Chapter Text

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha romanoff. you have failed this city.

clint @hawkeye
ohh nooo

falcon @samwilson
shit natasha what did you do

natasha @blackwidow
I didn't think that he would find out

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
He Always Finds Out

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
this proves that you know your wrongdoings. I will not show mercy.

natasha @blackwidow
it was nice knowing you all

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha romanoff is seen as such a badass, little do you all know…

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha wakes up early morning, not so she can work out like she pretends, but so she can watch her girlfriends sleep and then so she can watch tv

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
would you like to know what she watches? natasha is actually a huge fan cheesy si-fi shows, the worse it is the more she enjoys it

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha often squeals when she sees kittens and other small animals, insisting on petting them no matter the circumstances

natasha @blackwidow
my reputation…

Plant King @PlantKing
say, spidey, what does natasha get like when she's tired?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
what a great question, natasha actually loses all of her impeccable balance when she gets tired, tripping over thin air oftentimes

natasha @blackwidow
please… is it over?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha dyes her hair, her natural hair is actually dirty blonde

natasha @blackwidow
take me away boys

lola @lighthuman
spider-man could tell me he knows the nuclear codes and I wouldn't be surprised

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
well...

Chapter Text

fuck terfs @chipssahoy
@snakeperson how accepted is gender fluidity on asgard?

L @snakeperson
well while some people like odin are more old fashioned and still assign a binary to it, it's actually pretty common

L @snakeperson
odin will refer to me as his son and also daughter, which can get annoying

L @snakeperson
he also refers to thor only as his son, which is shitty

thor @godofthunder
unlike midgard where cishet is most common, asgard is not primarily one gender or sexuality

rice @seaguuul
I Wanna Live On Asgard

thor @godofthunder
but then we're gonna get emotionally attached to you and you'll die before any of us and it'll be sad :(

sidrah @siddie
fucking hell thor

addi @purplemount
people say it don't be like it is but it do

Chapter Text

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Girls.

natasha @blackwidow
big fucking rt babe

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
She.

natasha @blackwidow
I know, I was there

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Wow I'm so gay.

natasha @blackwidow
and we're dating her???

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Right??? How did we land Her? She?

natasha @blackwidow
she could beat me up so easily

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
And you would thank her.

natasha @blackwidow
and I would thank her

arlo @zooombitch
I need to know who you're talking about bc this is so fucking relatable already

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
She.

natasha @blackwidow
I want her to step on me

irondad @TStark
wanna tell you guys that this is the least dramatic they've been about their gf in ages

natasha @blackwidow
I'm love her

Chapter Text

rose @andthorns
@TStark do you and deadpool get along? i've seen a bunch of people say you probably hate him

rose @andthorns
and like he saved my life once so i stan him

irondad @TStark
why do people think I hate him???

rose @andthorns
something about him being a bad influence on spider-man or something

irondad @TStark
spider-man, who's grown up enough to choose to fight crime, and deadpool is gonna be a bad influence?

rose @andthorns
so you don't hate him?

irondad @TStark
no. we’re actually surprisingly alike. we have the pan pals club, and the “my boyfriend is a hunk with a metal arm” club. one of them is pretty exclusive, only 4 people.

apple soda @bookboyy
well according to some people pansexuality doesn’t exist, so it’s gotta be the pan pals.

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
damn you’ve cracked the code, tony run >:(

irondad @TStark
i will, my hot boyfriend who happens to have a metal arm will catch me

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
they always do :)

irondad @TStark
:)

luna @starpower
these boys soft as shit and we love it

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
I am attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively

irondad @TStark
I just told my boyfriends that I have a crush and it literally took them 36 seconds to realize that I wasn't talking about soda

winnie @windexx
tony: I have the highest standards
literally anyone: what kind of animal was the pink panther?
tony, ripping his clothes off: you absolute dumbass

irondad @TStark
ASDFHKIWVX STOP CALLING ME OUT

egg @deviled
can you have a crush when you're in a relationship???

irondad @TStark
well, yeah. we have like the least traditional relationship ever, so we sometimes date other people as well

irondad @TStark
like james has a boyfriend and I've got this stupid crush on this stupid dumbass who asked me what the spanish word for tortilla was

irondad @TStark
now I dream of us making love in the moonlight

james @jbbarnes
every so often tony will come up to us and tell us another stupid thing he said or did and he has this furious blush every time

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Once he had to explain that ketchup wasn't a smoothie, but he got so flustered that he had to leave the room.

irondad @TStark
SHUT THE FUCK UP

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
When I asked if Froot Loops were just round, fruit flavored Cheetos he slammed me against a wall and made out with me for 5 minutes.

irondad @TStark
STOP EXPOSING ME

scott @scottlang
wait would air conditioning be domesticated wind

irondad @TStark
AAAAAAAAAA

Chapter Text

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Space is… wild.

lance @blueboii
have you,,, been?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Oh, haha yeah.

luna @starpower
What The Fuck

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
My s/o is an alien and you think I haven't been to space before? Wild.

ryan @spooker
did you meet peter quill? was he abducted by aliens?

shane @bombshell
lmao dumbass he wasn't abducted

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
You're never gonna fucking believe me.

shane @bombshell
no fucking way…

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I have met Peter Quill and he was abducted by aliens after his mom died, we met in space where he's kinda a big deal.

ryan @spooker
HAHA BITCH I WAS RIGHT

shane @bombshell
WELL I WAS RIGHT ABOUT BIGFOOT SO SUCK MY DICK

irondad @TStark
quill should actually be visiting earth soon, I'm sure someone is gonna make sure he makes a twitter

aaron @pyramidpal
aliens on twitter? it's more likely than you'd think.

winnie @windexx
@BruceBanner how gay is space?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Oh my god, hella. Space is hella gay.

lance @blueboii
tbh we been knew

Chapter Text

falcon @samwilson
what's up ppl, time to talk about why jokes about suicide are absolutely unacceptable!!!

falcon @samwilson
suicide is not something to normalize!!! nor is it something to glorify and romanticize!!!

falcon @samwilson
saying that you're going to kill yourself at every little inconvenience will desensitize us to when people are actually making gets for help

falcon @samwilson
I get that it's this generations “humor” but it's not okay to do shit like that

selena @greenriver
why have i never thought about it like this

falcon @samwilson
we need to more aware of the warning signs of those who are suicidal

falcon @samwilson
bc not too long ago someone close to me was showing all the signs, but bc I was the only one educated on them, it was almost too late

falcon @samwilson
and you never know who's gonna hear your “jokes” it might be someone who's struggling, someone who’s attempted, someone who's lost someone

falcon @samwilson
or even just someone who also thinks those jokes are okay

falcon @samwilson
DON'T JOKE ABOUT SUICIDE

Chapter Text

T'Challa @TChalla
@shuri Your move.

shuri @shuri
shut up

T'Challa @TChalla
No, I did my end, now you have to do yours.

shuri @shuri
now that you have a bf, aren't you supposed to be all nice and sappy and Not Bothering Me

T'Challa @TChalla
Oh I'm very happy, but still mad that you made me ask him out in nothing more than hot pink shorts.

shuri @shuri
lmao you didn't even ask him out, he asked you before you could get to it

T'Challa @TChalla
I'm going to tell both of them if you don't do it within the next 23 hours.

shuri @shuri
why 23???

T'Challa @TChalla
Because my end was sealed an hour ago.

shuri @shuri
EVER SCREEN IN MY LAB HAS A TIMER ON IT WHAT THE HELL

T'Challa @TChalla
You really think I'm that bad with tech that I don't know how to do that???

T'Challa @TChalla
For every hour that passes, the Jaws theme music will start playing louder and louder.

shuri @shuri
I fucking hate you

T'Challa @TChalla
;*

-

T'Challa @TChalla
That mad lad, she actually did it.

m’baku @mbaku
you thought she wouldn't?

T'Challa @TChalla
I wasn't sure.

T'Challa @TChalla
WAIT SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU HAD A TWITTER

m'baku @mbaku
since always

T'Challa @TChalla
I hope the elders are prepared for my passing, because I'm about to death it up.

Chapter Text

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I love my boyfriend so fucking much I’m literally Sobbing thinking about him guys

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
HOLY FUNKY BEATS THIS IS THE WRONG ACCOUNT PLS IGNORE MY PREVIOUS TWEET

roza @rozzza
you have a boyfriend please tell us more

holy funky beats @spiderfan
holy funky beats is the funniest thing I've ever heard but also tell us more about your bf

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
hnnng I love He

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
my beautiful soft bf whom I love v much

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
he's so smart too!!! the only reason mr. stark hasn't adopted him is bc he's bitter he hacked my suit

irondad @TStark
he's the only person in existence that's good enough for you

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
ashhssff I'm s o b b i n g and so is he ty mr. stark!!!

selena @greenriver
@actuallyspiderman what's your favourite subject in school

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
oh dang q&A time, I like chemistry and physics! ask me more questions please!!!

bunbun @slightlystalecinnamonbun
how do you stick through the suit? or is it the suit that's sticky?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I'm the one that's sticky! as for the suit

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
shit I have no clue how I stick through clothes and the suit ohmygod I'm having a crisis

bi icon @bicon2018
how'd you get your powers?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
uhh a radioactive spider bit me, don't worry the spider is dead now though

apple soda @bookboyy
there goes my dreams of being spider-man 2.0

tears @accidentalhorcrux
why did you become spider-man??

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
if you have the powers I do and you don't use them, the bad thing happen because of you

mossy @beartime
do you like ginger-ale?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I Stan Ginger-Ale

Chapter Text

winnie @windexx
I have been trying to figure out who the hell is dating who in the avengers and I think I've figured it out

winnie @windexx
okay so we know that steve rogers is dating tony stark and bucky barnes, bucky is also dating sam wilson, and tony has a crush on someone, likely scott lang

winnie @windexx
bruce banner is dating thor, natasha romanoff is dating pepper potts and they have another girlfriend who has the ability to beat them up

winnie @windexx
king t’challa is dating m'baku, and princess shuri is dating at least one person, likely two, and one of them is european

winnie @windexx
so the unknowns are who's dating shuri, and who's dating pepper and natasha

winnie @windexx
but I would bet my whole ass Life that I know who the unknowns are

winnie @windexx
okay so because their gf could beat up even black widow, it has to be someone highly trained, so it couldn't be hope van dyne no matter how much I love her

winnie @windexx
so my but is on general okoye of the dora milaje bc she's such a badass and trained to protect the throne of wakanda

winnie @windexx
so now to shuri, which was the hardest to figure out, though one of her girlfriends was pretty easy to, the other one wasn't

winnie @windexx
so shuri is totally dating scarlet witch, and I know that because t'challa made a joke about magic and the european woman thing

winnie @windexx
as for her other girlfriend, my first thought was riri williams, but apparently she's dating someone she met at school and has been for a while

winnie @windexx
so I went searching though who follows who on twitter and instagram and I think I figured it out

winnie @windexx
there's this girl who seems to be like one of tony's science children but for pepper, who's friends with peter parker named michelle jones

winnie @windexx
and she posted a picture on twitter a little bit after the whole thing with shuri getting gfs of her smiling, which I found to be the only picture of her smiling on the account

winnie @windexx
so that's what I think, but you know I could be wrong

winnie @windexx
why the fuck did I just get a dm from tony stark asking if I want a job

Chapter Text

quill @starlord
I don't understand twitter send tweet

irondad @TStark
quill you plum I spent an hour explaining this to you

drax @unseengreen
I do not understand, how can Quill be a fruit?

gamora @meangreen
I'm pretty sure Stark is saying he's an idiot

GROOT @GROOT
I am Groot

peter @peteparker
lmao you right groot

Rocket @trashpanda
you can understand him?

peter @peteparker
yeah? shouldn't I?

Rocket @trashpanda
humans are so fucking weird

mantis @sweetiebug
this application is very interesting!!! but I do not understand why there are so many drawings of naked people?

quill @starlord
how the hell did you find the porn already???

shane @bombshell
@starlord are you peter quill?

quill @starlord
yeah! how'd you know?

ryan @spooker
oh my god this is the best day of my life

peter @peteparker
you're actually a pretty famous missing persons case, tons of people know about you

quill @starlord
you hear that guys, I'm famous on earth too B-)

gamora @meangreen
I am literally begging you to stop

nebula @meanblue
what the hell is a blue man group.

irondad @TStark
nebula!!! I love you!!!

nebula @meanblue
I find myself caring for you too, stark.

quill @starlord
that is the most sentiment I've ever heard her share, when did you get so close???

irondad @TStark
we uh, bonded after the thing

quill @starlord
ohh

Rocket @trashpanda
WHAT THE FUCK IS A RACCOON

quill @starlord
THE THING IVE BEEN SAYING YOU LOOK LIKE THIS WHOLE TIME

Rocket @trashpanda
WHAT THE FUCK

Plant King @PlantKing
“THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU’D SAY YOU DUMB FUCKING HUMAN”

drax @unseengreen
HAHAHA QUILL IS A DUMB HUMAN

lance @blueboii
I hope someone brought seasoning, because we're have a Roast

GROOT @GROOT
I Am Groot

rose @andthorns
fhskalahd that's so mean groot

Rocket @trashpanda
you can understand groot???

rose @andthorns
yeah?

Rocket @trashpanda
quill I thought you said humans didn't speak groot

quill @starlord
I didn't think we could?

peter @peteparker
gen z superpower, speaking an alien language

irondad @TStark
before any of you go and stan peter quill, know that he pulled out a damn ZUNE and called it earth's latest tech

quill @starlord
DAVID BOWIE IS DEAD???

gamora @meangreen
this was a mistake

Chapter Text

harley @potatogun
I never thought I'd say this, but fortnite dancing needs to stop

arlo @zooombitch
why???

harley @potatogun
because when Black Widow Herself comes into your room to tell you that dinner is ready and she's fortnite dancing, it's gone too far

natasha @blackwidow
*default dancing gently* what's wrong son?

harley @potatogun
alsjfhdsdhska

peter @peteparker
I'm sobbing this is so funny

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
clint keeps doing the L dance every time we beat someone and I think mr. stark actually cried last time

irondad @TStark
I did.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
This is what we get for putting together a team of millenials who interact with gen z-ers too often

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
And Bucky

james @jbbarnes
hey!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Buck, you're more than 100 years old.

james @jbbarnes
still

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
if I have to see deadpool default dance one more time I think I might just kill him myself

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
>:0

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
sorry, unalive

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
>>:000

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
lmao I once went to a reality where I had three mouths

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
I've also been to one where the accords broke apart the avengers and stevie left tones to die in siberia after lying to him for 2 years about his parents death

irondad @TStark
what the hell wade

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Chapter Text

egg @deviled
@actuallyspiderman you dumb gay bitch get over here

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
wtf???

egg @deviled
thank god this is actually hella important

egg @deviled
you need to stop changing in alleyways bc I literally Know Who You Are

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
SHIT FHSJSKAOAOA

irondad @TStark
YOU IDIOT I THOUGHT YOU COULD TELL WHEN PPL WERE WATCHING YOU

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I CAN I MUST HAVE BEEN DISTRACTED

egg @deviled
I have a bone to pick with you, Stark

irondad @TStark
I Can't Stop Him

irondad @TStark
I once took away his suit and he ended up crushing a plane and almost dying, at least I can keep him safe this way

egg @deviled
hmmm okay then. you're off the hook. for now.

egg @deviled
dhslaldhf I keep looking back at old Twitter convos and they're now 10x more funny

Chapter Text

egg @deviled
people keep asking if I'm daredevil and that's honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

egg @deviled
unless daredevil goes on rants about how hot bruce banner is, I'm not him

daredevil @daredevilHK
I don't even like deviled eggs.

egg @deviled
see, somebody gets my username

egg @deviled
WAIT ARE YOU ACTUALLY DAREDEVIL

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
guys please I'm crying, my dumbass crush is so stupid

selena @greenriver
what did he do?

irondad @TStark
when thor called me anthony, he said that he didn't realize that my name was anthony and not just tony

irondad @TStark
and when my intern and I were complaining about t-shots, he said that he thought we were talking about taking shots of tea for a good 10 minutes

winnie @windexx
ohmygod he's so dumb ajdhdjka

irondad @TStark
I knowww

irondad @TStark
AND GET THIS

irondad @TStark
HE KNOWS I HAVE A CRUSH, HE JUST DOESN'T REALIZE IT'S ON HIM

james @jbbarnes
he looks so sad when people talk about it

irondad @TStark
no he doesn't stop getting my hopes up, why would he like me???

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Babe, we've talked about this. You're such a catch.

irondad @TStark
no no, not like that, why would He like me? not why would he like Me?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I hate that I understood that so much.

james @jbbarnes
no you don't

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
No, I don't.

irondad @TStark
okay I think he might actually like me

james @jbbarnes
finally, what happened

irondad @TStark
so he just got back from a mission, so he hasn't slept in a good 2 days, and we ran into each other in the kitchen because I was making him food for when he got back

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Soft.

irondad @TStark
shut up. so he physically runs into me, right? and when he looks up, he says “holy fuck you're so pretty”

selena @greenriver
aww that's so cute

irondad @TStark
and I'm just blushing furiously and he just looks at the food I have for him, starts crying because apparently he's so hungry and I'm the nicest person he's ever met, and then he passes out

harley @potatogun
I'm telling you, you two just need to bone

irondad @TStark
BONE??!??!!?!??!??!?!!!

Chapter Text

peter @peteparker
I'm not a monsterfucker but damn, y’all seen venom?

irondad @TStark
PETER

peter @peteparker
SHUT UP I SENT YOU A PICTURE OF HIS TONGUE AND HEARD YOU MOAN FROM THE OTHER ROOM

irondad @TStark
I need a new son.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Even I have to admit, Venom is attractive in a strange way. And not just as a scientist who wants to study him.

rose @andthorns
I can't believe the avengers are monster fuckers

natasha @blackwidow
you really gonna kink shame us when you have an anime icon?

rose @andthorns
you just murdered me, I'm dead now. I legally owe you money.

venom @wervenom
I'm sorry I just made this account because I need to respond to this, what the fuck

peter @peteparker
are you venom??? venom doesn't really talk like that

venom @wervenom
kinda, I'm his host, we're a package deal. he's a bit of a parasifufbfjsj

luna @starpower
venom killed him before he could finish the tweet

venom @wervenom
no, he just doesn't like being called a parasite, but I keep telling him it's a term of endearment

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Are you just a person? What is Venom if not his own being?

venom @wervenom
yeah I'm an actual person, please don't ask who I am though, and v is his own being, but he's a symbiote who needs a host to survive on earth

venom @wervenom
that's besides the point, you guys wanna fuck us???

irondad @TStark
now that I know there's two of you it's slightly different. but if you were that eddie brock guy I would 100% be down

venom @wervenom
asdjsakljhga I need to go

Chapter Text

scott @scottlang
WAIT TONY YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME???

addi @purplemount
neither of them have been active in more than an hour what's happening

scott @scottlang
ok so it appears that tony does have a crush on me

irondad @TStark
he didn't realize he didn't dm me, I couldn't help myself

scott @scottlang
wait so you've liked me the entire time???

irondad @TStark
oh my god Scott, yes! everytime my crush was mentioned, we were talking about you!!!

scott @scottlang
me???? woah that's so weird

irondad @TStark
please I think I might start crying

back and @bodyhurts
if you don't treat him right, we will destroy you. tony stark is Beloved by the queer community

scott @scottlang
I think his cousins would kill be before you got the chance, hope and her gf have subtly been on my ass for months

arlo @zooombitch
cousins??????

irondad @TStark
not biological, but cousins all the same

irondad @TStark
sharon carter and hope van dyne deserve the World. scott you sweet dummy people don't know hope has a gf

scott @scottlang
oh dang, I'm sorry!! :(

irondad @TStark
I am going to have a heart attack. my teeth are rotting, my crops are thriving. you are so sweet.

irondad @TStark
it just dawned on my that scott likes me back oh my god

Chapter Text

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
guys guys guys!!!

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
what what what???

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
ITS ALMOST AUTHORS BIRTHDAY WOOO

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
WOOOOOO who the fuck is author

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
you know, the guy who has all control over what we do and what we tweet

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
he bends and shapes our personalities and character to his will, totally ignoring all comic and movie canon

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
but fear not, he is benevolent and kind, allowing us love and friendship instead of the much darker alternative

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
angst.

rainbow @covvet
nani the fuck

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
haha wade you're so silly!

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
yes, silly.

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
silly

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
ŝ̶̫̯̪͎̤̌̎̏͛̋͘̕͝i̶̗͓̮̓̉̿̉͂l̷̡̢̲̰͈̟̯͎̟̍̈͋̾̃͜l̸̩͎̟̹̭͍̖̹̮͇̥͗̈́y̸̥͘

Chapter Text

lance @blueboii
@shuri pls tell us who you’re dating

shuri @shuri
Why Should I

lance @blueboii
bc i’m gay and can’t do math, so it’s the least you could do

shuri @shuri
wow relatable

irondad @TStark
shuri you are literally the smartest person i know

shuri @shuri
so i’m smarter than you?

irondad @TStark
yeah, this isn’t news??? we been knew???

killer @bigmeem
Damn.

shuri @shuri
tell me why i’m tearing up??? i don’t need your approval but??? It Has Power

peter @peteparker
remind me to tell you about the time mj started crying when tony told her that she would be the next pepper potts

irondad @TStark
she will!!! she’s so cool and smart, just like pepper!!! she’s like a mix of pepper and eddie brock

michelle @ladybossjr
please… don’t do this to me again

irondad @TStark
You Deserve To Be Happy

michelle @ladybossjr
fuck you stark, you’re my new dad

irondad @TStark
okay!!!

shuri @shuri
wait no babe he’s my dad, he can’t be both of our dads that’s incest

wanda @scarletwitch
tbh he’s kinda my dad too

irondad @TStark
wanda...

wanda @scarletwitch
what can i say, you’ve grown on me

wanda @scarletwitch
update: tony gives The Best Hugs and now we’re both crying

irondad @TStark
i’ll be a dad to all of you and it won’t be weird even though you’re all dating

irondad @TStark
OKAY KIDS GROUP TRIP TO WAKANDA FOR SOME GROUP BONDING

lance @blueboii
well that answers my question then

Chapter Text

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
OPPY IS FUCKING DEAD

would you like some @creammmm
NO DONT REMIND ME

spaceace @spaceace
my batteries are low and it's getting dark.

eli @lapis
My Batteries Are Low And It's Getting Dark.

teakwood @TEAkwood
MY BATTERIES ARE LOW AND IT'S GETTING DARK.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
though that's not actually her last words I KNOW

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
THOR BABY YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME TO MARS

Thor @godofthunder
OF COURSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ANYTHING FOR YOU

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
TAKE ME WITH YOU BRING ME TO SPACE

irondad @TStark
Absolutely Not

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
what??? why???

irondad @TStark
stress isn't good for the baby

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
what baby?

irondad @TStark
me.

irondad @TStark
kid, do you remember what happened to you last time you were in space?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
oh. OH

irondad @TStark
yeah buddy

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay so I'm not going to space and I'm okay with that

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I will go to Mars and save the Opportunity Rover.

Thor @godofthunder
I will bring you to Mars and help you save the Opportunity Rover.

irondad @TStark
bucky is this close to coming with

irondad @TStark
you can't see but my fingers are touching

james @jbbarnes
it's space!!! I didn't even know we had been to mars until oppy died!!! nobody told me!!!

irondad @TStark
lmao what a nerd

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
yeah haha what a loser

james @jbbarnes
you're a pair of punks, you know that

irondad @TStark
you love us

james @jbbarnes
somehow.

Chapter Text

FLINT NEEDS WATER @redredred
uhh so I live in flint and my sink water is clear???

FLINT NEEDS WATER @redredred
holy shit #flintwater is trending, the water is clear again

Flint News @FlintNews
Mysterious guardian angel replaced faulty pipelines in Flint, Michigan. More to follow.

frankie @panfran
who could have done that? who would do that???

adam @lazuli
it obviously wasn't the government, they'd have bragged about caring about “the less fortunate” by now

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
@TStark Tony.

irondad @TStark
Yes, Pepper?

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Is there something you'd like to tell me?

irondad @TStark
I have no clue what you're talking about

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
You know there are proper channels we could have gone through to get this done.

irondad @TStark
yeah but then my name would be on it and I didn't want that

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Oh?

irondad @TStark
pep, I'm a multi billionaire. I have more money than I can comprehend.

irondad @TStark
I need to give back to people or else I'm just as bad as the capitalistic system that I got my money through.

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Okay, I get it.

irondad @TStark
besides, you'd have done the same thing if you met michelle jones.

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
that girl is powerful.

flint has water @redredred
wait did tony stark fix the flint water crisis???

irondad @TStark
what no??? what are you talking about???

irondad @TStark
I mean whoever did must feel really guilty about not doing it earlier and wants to make up for their past mistakes WHICH THERE ARE A LOT OF

irondad @TStark
but no, it couldn't have been me

Flint News @FlintNews
Photographs of the Iron Man armour replacing water pipes in Flint are popping up online. Is billionaire Tony Stark our guardian angel?

irondad @TStark
NO THIS ISNT WHAT I WANTED

flint has water @redredred
fuck billionaires but suddenly tony stark can, like, get it?

Chapter Text

birdy @diamondbird
okay… but what if tony stark was a villain???

chrome @hgmercury
tony stark is a villain.

birdy @diamondbird
BLOCKED! anyways, anyone else with a brain wanna talk about this?

leith @ilovedogss
would he still be a mega genius and all that?

birdy @diamondbird
I mean he's still tony stark, so duh

selena @greenriver
make him greedy and boom, villain

birdy @diamondbird
honestly??? yeah

adam @lazuli
is it bad that I think evil stark would be Hot

eli @lapis
babe, we were all thinking it

mel @coffeekid
but the dude has such a strong moral compass, so would that just go away?

ice @icebaby
villain tony with a strong moral compass though??? woah

shane @bombshell
he'd be like a greedy rich asshole, but he wouldn't dare give an underage kid alcohol

peter @peteparker
I can vouch for that, I was drinking apple juice and he freaked the fuck out bc he thought it was whisky

peter @peteparker
not even kidding, he cried

ryan @spooker
how the FUCK can anyone think he's a villain when he does shit like that???

james @jbbarnes
fuck, evil tony does sound hot hnnng

james @jbbarnes
I… did not mean to actually tweet that

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
It's too late.

james @jbbarnes
TELL ME IM WRONG

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Hey now, I never said that.

irondad @TStark
does everyone just want me to be evil??? bc I'd be hot in an evil rat way??????

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Yes.

james @jbbarnes
yes

birdy @diamondbird
yeah

peter @peteparker
yup

adam @lazuli
maybe so

Chapter Text

cream @katyacream
strongest avenger, go.

mel @coffeekid
thor, no question! literally a god!

luna @starpower
no way, hulk has to be stronger than thor! thor’s hardly even a god anyways, they're just an alien with advanced science, hulk could crush them!

eugene @ayybaby
hulk is too unstable to be the strongest, thor has been learning to control their powers for thousands of years

luna @starpower
hulk. could. crush. their. skull.

selena @greenriver
one word. mjolnir.

sara @solicitedmuse
that's gotta be cheating though, no weapons and hulk would win

glitter @latinaah
thor can literally control thunder and lightning, they're Powerful

arlo @zooombitch
@TStark who's the strongest avenger???

irondad @TStark
carol

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Oh yeah, it's definitely Carol.

Thor @godofthunder
I can't even compete with her

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
It's Carol.

james @jbbarnes
carol once punched me and I thanked her

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
carol smiled at me and I fainted

natasha @blackwidow
her fists are insured for 3 million

clint @hawkeye
I heard that when some dude told her to smile more, she stole his bike

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
Carol.

falcon @samwilson
they say that the avengers were named after her

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
Oh, they were.

irondad @TStark
it's the least we could do for her.

arlo @zooombitch
this is all well and good, but who the fuck is carol?

gamora @meangreen
wait, we can't be talking about the same carol, the one who could send fleets of ships running with just a look?

quill @starlord
the same carol who the ravagers were told to never cross paths with no matter the circumstances?

Rocket @trashpanda
I've heard of her, she holds the power of stars, a simple sneeze could kill you

irondad @TStark
rocket, you’ve met her?

Rocket @trashpanda
when???

irondad @TStark
captain marvel?

Rocket @trashpanda
HOLY SHIT

Rocket @trashpanda
SHE'S SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN I EVER THOUGHT

luna @starpower
you just said that a simple sneeze could kill you, and now you're saying she's more powerful than that?

Rocket @trashpanda
yes

spaceace @spaceace
I am Frightened

jim @jamesrhodes
oh haha, that's my girlfriend

chrome @hgmercury
a h -

carol @cdanvers
you guys were talking about me?

Chapter Text

peter @peteparker
I finally understand

peter @peteparker
@TStark I get it now

irondad @TStark
get what, bambi?

ned @GITC
you've broken him, his face is Bright Red

peter @peteparker
MR. DAD DONT CALL ME THAT ONLINE

peter @peteparker
I MEAN MR. S

irondad @TStark
my heart is so full

peter @peteparker
ANWAY

peter @peteparker
I finally understand your tendency to adopt any smart child you come across

irondad @TStark
oh? how's that?

peter @peteparker
okay so I'm a senior in high school, right? and I was studying in the library bc I'm a diligent student

michelle @ladybossjr
debatable

peter @peteparker
I am ranked number TWO in our class shut up just bc you're ranked number one

peter @peteparker
stop interrupting me I'm telling a story

peter @peteparker
so I was studying, and suddenly a BABY came up to me a BABY FRESHMAN and this kid is like the nicest kid ever

peter @peteparker
he, very quietly, asked if he could sit across from me because “everyone else is very intimidating”

peter @peteparker
so we start talking and man I JUST WANT TO PROTECT THIS KID FOREVER

peter @peteparker
he's like me and @Cap.America mixed into one, bc he's So Smart, but he's also an amazing artist and just So Soft

irondad @TStark
DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW

irondad @TStark
DO YOU GET WHY I HAVE SO MANY KIDS NOW

peter @peteparker
I DO I GET IT

peter @peteparker
I would destroy the world for this kid.

irondad @TStark
ugh rt

-

??? help ??? @spyderkid
@actuallyspiderman please follow me back I need to dm you this is real I need help

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay???

🕸

@spyderkid sent a photo

@spyderkid: how do I unstick?

@actuallyspiderman: holy SHIT MILES

@spyderkid: you know me???

@actuallyspiderman: WHERE ARE YOU IM COMING OVER

@spyderkid: midtown school of science and technology, the bathroom closest to the library

@actuallyspiderman: Oh My God

@actuallyspiderman: I'll be right there

@spyderkid: PETER???

@actuallyspiderman: YES IM SPIDER-MAN

@spyderkid: WHAT THE FUCK

@actuallyspiderman: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE YOURE LIKE 10

🕸

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I'm Reeling

spider @spyderkid
how do you think I feel???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I'm not old enough to be a father, I'm not responsible enough

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
WAIT YOURE A BABY YOU CANT BE SPIDER-MAN

luna @starpower
excuse me???

spider @spyderkid
IM NOT A BABY and I don't even know if I want to be spider-man

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
good, you deserve to have an actual life outside of vigilantism. it's not as fun as it sounds

irondad @TStark
you hypocrite, what's going on?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
mr stark!!! you need to meet this person!!! he also has spider powers and I would Die for him!!!

irondad @TStark
oh. oh no.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
we'll be over in a couple minutes!!!

irondad @TStark
oh god no. curie save us all.

Chapter Text

Plant King @PlantKing
real question, would you fuck your clone? I'm tagging all the avengers so maybe one will answer

irondad @TStark
absolutely not

arlo @zooombitch
wait really? I thought you'd be the first one to fuck your clone

irondad @TStark
no I'm terrified of beard burn

irondad @TStark
I HAVE HAD A POPPING SKINCARE ROUTINE LONGER THAN MOST OF YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE

jim @jamesrhodes
he was a nightmare in college when he forget even a step of the routine, but he had skin as smooth as a baby butt

jim @jamesrhodes
if i had sex with my clone, that's basically just masturbation, right?

james @jbbarnes
who would know better how to fuck me than me?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
What if the clone is evil? I don't want to have sex with an evil version of myself!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
If I’m honest, I would probably do some stuff with my clone that I’d be too embarrassed to ask other people to do with me.

falcon @samwilson
i wouldn’t because that’s gay sex and i’m not gay

james @jbbarnes
we’re literally dating but okay

quill @starlord
i’m actually not gay and i would fuck my clone

nebula @meanblue
I am gay and I wouldn’t fuck my clone, because that is disgusting

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I wouldn’t fuck my clone bc my self hatred is that That Strong

irondad @TStark
cucciolo please don’t say that about yourself

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
please i’m crying dad you’re so sweet

natasha @blackwidow
i want to know it i’m good in bed

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
You are.

Okoye @OKOYE
You are.

natasha @blackwidow
fuck yeah

clint @hawkeye
tbh fucking my clone is a fantasy of mine

stephen @strangemd
No, fucking your clone would be like fucking your twin, you’re all gross.

L @snakeperson
i can, and have, made multiple clones of myself simply to have sex with. that’s how pro-clone fucking i am.

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
IM YELLING THIS IS SO FUNNY

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

irondad @TStark
NO WAY IM TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THIS

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
suddenly I'm an orphan again, anyone have a spare father figure???

irondad @TStark
no no bambino please I'm sorry

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
>:/ it's not that funny

irondad @TStark
it really is though, can I Please tell people

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
ugh fine

irondad @TStark
are you sure? bc I won't if you really don't want me to

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I'm sure

irondad @TStark
THANK NEWTON OKAY SO

irondad @TStark
we were talking about alpine and cute pictures we could take bc his birthday is soon

irondad @TStark
and I was raised catholic and I still have an appreciation for renaissance art, so I was talking about putting him in some old art piece

eli @lapis
okay but who's alpine???

irondad @TStark
you dont know alpine?

adam @lazuli
no? should we?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
alpine is bucky's cat!!! he's adorable and we all love him very much

irondad @TStark
and before you ask, no we didn't get him from a breeder, he was a foster

irondad @TStark
SO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PICTURES YEAH

irondad @TStark
so I mentioned that is would be adorable if we put him in the center of the last supper scene, and all the apostles could be different cats

irondad @TStark
and then spidey said that instead of a turkey in front of them, it could be fish

frankie @panfran
turkey??? what???

irondad @TStark
so I said hold up, turkey???

irondad @TStark
and spidey very hesitantly says, yeah… the turkey

irondad @TStark
so I asked, i asked what he thought the last supper picture was about

irondad @TStark
and he got defensive, calling the catholic church a fucked up organization as if we don't already know that

irondad @TStark
so I asked again, what he thought The Last Supper by Leonardo de Vinci was about

irondad @TStark
and we was quiet for a second before… THANKSGIVING

luna @starpower
AKJFHDGSKALDJLKJFHD

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
FUCK YOU IM JEWISH HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW

Chapter Text

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Space!!! Black holes!!! Science!!!!!!

james @jbbarnes
yes yes yes yes yes

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Reminder that Katie Bouman, the woman who led us to be able to actually be able to take a picture of a Legit Black Hole, is only 29!!!

peter @peteparker
yes sis!!! ugh. her mind.

luna @starpower
YO BUT THAT PIC IS WILD

rosa @deathpacito
it really puts everything into perspective, doesn't it? it got me all existential and shit

mossy @beartime
yo but where's tony stark? I thought he'd be all over this

leslie @varsitea
especially with katie bouman being an mit graduate, bc he's an alumni

james @jbbarnes
tones is actually taking a break from social media until most of this blows over

zach @cornchild
what? why?

james @jbbarnes
sorry I'm back, I just had to see if I could tell you this

james @jbbarnes
well if you remember the battle of new york, when tony flew a nuke into a wormhole

gwen @blondii
oh shit I forgot about that

james @jbbarnes
yeah well he has some major ptsd issues, and some recent events haven't helped them at all

james @jbbarnes
so when he saw the picture, he had a major panic attack, so he's staying away for now

james @jbbarnes
though he is actively trying to figure out a way to fund all of katie bouman’s projects for the next 20 years

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
He's adorable when he finds new, young, scientists. He gets so excited, even if his expertise isn't in that area of study.

peter @peteparker
I'm into biochem and he still hypes me up everytime I talk projects with him

kali @killakween
I didn't realize that stark had ptsd

james @jbbarnes
almost all of us do in some way, it comes with the job.

rose @andthorns
jesus christ that's not depressing at all

irondad @TStark
it costs $0 to tell myself that it just be like that

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
BABY NO

Chapter Text

scott @scottlang
please help tony is sitting on my lap, crying, and I don't know why

raiin @romantiic
is he okay??? is he hurt??? what were you guys doing??????

scott @scottlang
he's not hurt! we were just talking about stuff and watching star trek!

starrs @andmooons
that is disgustingly domestic and adorable

scott @scottlang
we cute or whateva

hope @hvandyne
shut up scott, tell us why your bf is crying

scott @scottlang
sorry I'm back, I was trying to comfort him

scott @scottlang
so we were talking about random shit, and the conversation suddenly shifted to talking about tech stuff

scott @scottlang
I mentioned that I had a theory about how the arc reactor worked, and tony seemed interested, so I told him!

scott @scottlang
and then he started crying!!! seeing him sad makes me sad idk what to do :(

hope @hvandyne
oh my god what a dumb gay bitch I know why he's crying

scott @scottlang
why??????

hope @hvandyne
no that's not for me to tell, tones will have to do it himself

scott @scottlang
he keeps mumbling stuff in italian, and the only thing I can understand is that one thing he always calls me

shane @bombshell
what does he always call you?

scott @scottlang
bello? whatever that means

unicorn @unicornshop
oh me god he calls you beautiful that's so cute aksjfhsjaj

scott @scottlang
wait that means beautiful??? oh golly oh wow

hope @hvandyne
did you really just say oh golly?

scott @scottlang
shut up hope I'm having a crisis

scott @scottlang
MY BOYFRIEND IS THE CUTEST MAN IN THE MULTIVERSE okay crisis over

raiin @romantiic
can we get back to why tony was/is crying please?

scott @scottlang
he's calming down and speaking english again so I'll talk to him

eugene @ayybaby
they've been inactive for more than 10 minutes, I'm worried

irondad @TStark
we're back! I'm okay!

raiin @romantiic
FINALLY WHY WERE YOU CRYING

irondad @TStark
okay so we are all aware that I'm a proud morosexual, my boyfriends are all so stupid

irondad @TStark
but they're also so fucking smart it's scary, which is equally attractive

irondad @TStark
like james is a sniper and can calculate the angle that a bullet has to travel to reach a target hundreds of yard away in seconds

irondad @TStark
and steve is literally a fucking Master Strategist, like he's a million time better than anyone I've ever met, and I've been saying that since we met

irondad @TStark
so when scott told me his theory for how the arc reactor works and we TOTALLY RIGHT

irondad @TStark
it was so hot that I just started crying

hope @hvandyne
like I said, dumb. gay. bitch.

Chapter Text

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I just got a chill up my spine and now I'm crying

mel @coffeekid
lmao because of a chill

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
no- I don't know it's weird, like I just got devastatingly sad and I don't know why

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
stop saying I have depression, we been knew, this is different

james @jbbarnes
it's the same for all of us here in the compound

james @jbbarnes
like clint and Sam were playing mario kart and everything was fine but now we're all just crying?

gamora @meangreen
the guardians have also been hit by this, we are unsure why

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Quite a lot of Stark Industries has been hit too. Myself not excluded. I have to use voice to text to even do this, I'm crying so much.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
According to readings, of which I can't read through the tears, a pretty big chuck of people on Earth have been struck.

luna @starpower
should we be concerned??? bc I am also crying and I don't get why???

stephen @strangemd
don't worry, there is no threat to our universe. this has nothing to do with us.

selena @greenriver
what do you mean our universe? if it doesn't have to do w us who does it have to do with?

stephen @strangemd
we're just feeling the residual shock waves of an event from a different reality. our reality is safe, and so is theirs now.

stephen @strangemd
I can't say much more, I don't really want to think about it, about what we may have become.

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
#DontSpoilTheEndgame

Chapter Text

peter @peteparker
the funniest thing in the world is knowing pepper potts on her professional account AND her secret account

pride @liongay
owo secret account???

peter @peteparker
oh yeah! you really think she doesn't have another account where she's shady and subtweet about everyone she meets???

peter @peteparker
I'm not gonna give specifics bc I'd get in trouble

peter @peteparker
but seeing her tweet that she had a lovely meeting with whoeverthefuck on main and then saying they had the stankest breath sends me reeling periodically

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Hmm, suddenly I’ve found myself incapable of reading.

peter @peteparker
DON'T GET ME STARTED ON HER TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER AVENGERS

peter @peteparker
like we all see the tweets and she knows that, but it Does Not Stop Her

peter @peteparker
you guys think I'm nasty when people do me wrong, I learned it ALL from her

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Thank you, Peter. That's very sweet of you to say!

peter @peteparker
SEE EVEN NOW ON HER OTHER ACCOUNT SHE TWEETED ABOUT THJDHSJAKA

the heart @thesoul
pepper potts killed him before he could finish that tweet

peter @peteparker
lmao yeah I'm not allowed to talk about what she just posted

alluring @moneyclip
sometimes I forget that pepper potts is so powerful she could probably ruin my life while getting her nails done to perfection

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
:)

pride @liongay
christ that's terrifying

Chapter Text

trans rights @pinkandblue
@actuallyspiderman so how does it feel to be the modern hannah montana?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
huh???

trans rights @pinkandblue
you know, you have a double life and a secret identity

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
oh my god? i'm literally hannah montana what the fuck

trans rights @pinkandblue
and you have your dad who's in the same business as you, trying to help you keep it a secret

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
and i have two close friends who both know, one who figured it out on accident and one who i ended up telling

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
did she have someone who loves her as hannah, but always made fun of her as miley bc i have that

selena @greenriver
i mean probably

luna @starpower
hold up you have people who make fun of you when you're out of costume? are you bullied???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
uhhhhhhh… no?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Is there someone I need to talk to?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
captain dad! no it's fine! i'm used to it

james @jbbarnes
used to it? does that mean it's been going on for a while?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
NO NO ITS OKAY ITS BEEN GETTING BETTER

natasha @blackwidow
i just texted your boyfriend. you have some explaining to do little spider.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
when the hell since when have you had his number

natasha @blackwidow
since he came over for family dinner

irondad @TStark
you're being bullied??? why did you never tell me about this???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
suddenly i am no longer getting the best of both worlds

Chapter Text

betty @blondebetty
rise and shine, midtown! today we will be talking about one of our own, peter parker!

betty @blondebetty
YO WHEN THE FUCK DID PETER GET ABS

cindy @cxndymoon
peter? our peter? has abs? betty are you okay???

betty @blondebetty
I KNOW WHAT I SAW HE IS LEGIT RIPPED

Abe @AbeBabe
I KNEW I WASNT CRAZY I SAW IT TOO

Abe @AbeBabe
I RAN INTO HIM WHILE HE WAS CHANGING FOR GYM AND IT WAS LIKE RUNNING INTO A BRICK WALL

betty @blondebetty
I SAW HIM WIPE AWAY HIS SWEAT BY PULLING UP HIS SHIRT AND I ALMOST HAD AN ANEURYSM

liz @lizardallen
you guys didn't know? peter is Swol

cindy @cxndymoon
liz! how are you? how's oregon?

liz @lizardallen
it's actually really fun! i miss queens a lot of course, but the air here doesn't taste like shit so that's a plus

Abe @AbeBabe
ok wow that's rude and valid

cindy @cxndymoon
okay i'm in apush with peter right now, and he just pushed up his sleeves and??? i almost passed out his arms are HOT

betty @blondebetty
I KNOW i almost wish he was single smh

Abe @AbeBabe
peter is dating? since when?

betty @blondebetty
him and ned? they've been dating for like the entire school year?

seymour @saymore
HUH???!??!?!! parker and leeds?????

ned @GITC
oof betty that wasn't really public knowledge

betty @blondebetty
ohmygod really? i am so so sorry i didn't mean to i promise!!!!!!

ned @GITC
chill betty it's fine! most people probably suspected anyway

michelle @ladybossjr
yeah you guys aren't subtle at all, it's kinda gross

peter @peteparker
what do you mean we're so subtle

michelle @ladybossjr
peter you spent the entirety of lunch today sitting in ned's lap

cindy @cxndymoon
lmao i can see him from across the room, he's Bright Red

peter @peteparker
WAIT WHY WERE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT MY ABS

peter @peteparker
I MEAN WAIT I DON'T HAVE ABS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

betty @blondebetty
I would like to publicly thank michelle “MJ” jones for sending a picture of peter parker's abs to out acadec group chat

Abe @AbeBabe
@GITC you are one lucky man

ned @GITC
aksjfhsjaj i know

cindy @cxndymoon
WOW PETER REALLY HAD TO LEAVE CLASS HE WAS SO RED LMAOOO

Roger @RHarrington
Please refrain from sending shirtless pictures of your classmates to our group chat, thank you.

liz @lizardallen
HARRINGTON IS ON THE CHAT OH NO

seymour @saymore
i’m just gonna let you guys know that when flash saw the pic he squeaked and slammed his phone down so hard it got a crack in it

Flash @canttouchthis
I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING IT OK

<3 PETE @PETERPXRKER
POST THE PIC GIVE US OUR RIGHTS

peter @peteparker
I think I need a nap.

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
james just found out about hair dye and now i'm on the way to a hair store for him

irondad @TStark
correction, he just found out about unnaturally coloured hair dye

james @jbbarnes
my hair can be PURPLE

james @jbbarnes
there were celebrities who would dye their hair platinum blonde, or like black, but color??? that shit is so cool!!!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Your enthusiasm is adorable.

irondad @TStark
peter keeps showing him pictures and videos of dyed hair and he keeps letting out these little excited gasps and it's CUTE

james @jbbarnes
i wanna dye my hair, how expensive is it?

irondad @TStark
………babe

james @jbbarnes
what

irondad @TStark
i'm literally a billionaire, it doesn't matter how expensive it is

james @jbbarnes
OH YEAH

mossy @beartime
bucky barnes forgetting that he's in a relationship with a literal billionaire is a mood

peter @peteparker
how is it a mood???

mossy @beartime
i'm a professional sugar baby

peter @peteparker
oh shit, good for you sis

mossy @beartime
lmao thanks

james @jbbarnes
ANYWAY IM NOT A SUGAR BABY LETS TALK ABOUT HAIR DYE

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
tony is having an aneurysm thinking about you being a sugar baby

peter @peteparker
SHUT UP I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HIS KINKS

james @jbbarnes
rainbow. i'm dying my hair rainbow.

peter @peteparker
it's true, we're doing it in my bathroom

irondad @TStark
what the fuck? when did you guys get the dye?

peter @peteparker
uwu i'll never tell

irondad @TStark
Perish.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
We haven't seen Peter or Bucky for 2 hours and we're worried.

irondad @TStark
OH SHIT IT LOOKS GOOD

peter @peteparker
we kept most of it alone, but if he puts his hair up the bottom part is rainbow!!!

nat @blackwidow
you two did such a good job, i'm actually surprised

peter @peteparker
i've watched a lot of videos. i also dyed mj's hair once

michelle @ladybossjr
it was better than what i could have gotten in a salon

peter @peteparker
please stop messaging me about dying your hair, i do not have the Time i am Sorry

Chapter Text

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
It's June, which means that it's pride month! I would like to wish everyone a very happy and safe pride, in the closet or out, cis or trans, whatever!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
As a kid I could have never imagined this kind of acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community. We still have a long road ahead of us in the journey to acceptance, but we should be proud of what we've done.

-

irondad @TStark
when i was 12 i came out as trans to my butler, who helped me with hormonal therapy and changing my legal name. so when i first came into the public eye when i was 15, howard had no choice but to introduce me as his son.

irondad @TStark
these past couple of years have been life changing. i have finally surrounded myself with people who love me for who i am, and i could not be more grateful for these wonderful people.

irondad @TStark
in honor of this and the beginning of pride month, i have set up a new organization dedicated to helping poor LGBTQ+ kids in need of financial aid.

-

nat @blackwidow
i was raised to believe that love was for children and to destroy any hope i had for a future.

nat @blackwidow
i am thankful for second chances and for my two wonderful girlfriends.

-

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I've never spoken about this before, but I did not have a very happy childhood. My father was a terrible man who said and did terrible things to me.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I am not ashamed to say that I was suicidal for periods of time throughout my life because of it.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
For anyone who needs to hear it: it gets better. I promise you that it gets better. I am now in a very happy and loving relationship with an amazing s/o who respects me for who I am.

-

clint @hawkeye
i'm going to try to be serious for the first time in my life. okay so, my road to self acceptance was, or even is, a long one. my identity has always been confusing to be, and i'm still figuring out how i identify.

clint @hawkeye
but there's nothing wrong with that! you don't have to have a label if you don't want one, and there is no shame in your journey. love who you want to love, and be who you want to be, as long as you are living your truth.

-

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i know i'm very public with my identity as a trans, bisexual guy, but it's easy to be out like this when i'm still hiding behind a mask

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
in my real life, i'm actually not out as trans to many people, especially if they don't also know i'm spider-man

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i was given this platform, where i can reach people all over the world to let them know that they are loved and accepted no matter how they identify

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
and hey, i just graduated high school with a full ride scholarship to an amazing university, so i'm feeling pretty fucking good right now so you know what

spider-man @actuallyspiderman
my name is peter benjamin parker

peter @peteparker
and i am spider-man

Chapter Text

Flash @canttouchthis
Fuck.

Flash @canttouchthis
i fucking bullied spider-man.

mossy @beartime
you WHAT dog???

Flash @canttouchthis
i bullied peter for literally our entire time in high school, and only apologized AT graduation

peter @peteparker
i mean you did apologize, so that's something

Flash @canttouchthis
I CALLED YOU PENIS PARKER FOR 4 YEARS

irondad @TStark
HUH??!??!?!!?

-

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Peter Parker.

peter @peteparker
...yes?

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Can you even comprehend the pr nightmare you just created?

peter @peteparker
umm is this a trick question?

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
No, it is not.

peter @peteparker
then no? i can't?

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Would you like to?

peter @peteparker
uh no, i don't think i do

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Good answer. That being said, I'm very proud of you for coming out, it was very brave. But please give me some warning next time.

peter @peteparker
okay!!! i'm sorry mom

nat @blackwidow
she's crying while doing her paperwork now

-

michelle @ladybossjr
i'm honestly disappointed more people at school didn't notice sooner, it's kinda obvious

seymour @saymore
wha? no it wasn't!!!

michelle @ladybossjr
the decathlon practice room was on the second floor. he came in through the window every day.

betty @blondebetty
wait it does make sense! when we were in dc spider-man was also in dc, same goes for the europe trip

cindy @cxndymoon
AND THE ABS

betty @blondebetty
THE ABS ARE BC HE'S A LITERAL SUPERHERO FHSJALDHDJAL

cindy @cxndymoon
@GITC you are dating spider-man

ned @GITC
lmao yeah

seymour @saymore
HOW are you so chill

ned @GITC
i've known for years haha

Abe @AbeBabe
wait so have you met the avengers?

ned @GITC
yup @hawkeye still owes me money from when i beat him at mario kart

clint @hawkeye
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we don't talk about that

ned @GITC
Coward.

-

irondad @TStark
steve and james keep high-fiving peter while i try to scold him for not telling me he was about to reveal his identity

selena @greenriver
you'd think captain america would be the one scolding him

irondad @TStark
i'm trying to scold him and then i can be proud of him bc i really am proud of him BUT IT'S NOT WORKING

peter @peteparker
wait, you're proud of me?

irondad @TStark
kid, i am so proud of you every day for everything that you do, to the point where it's probably weird

peter @peteparker
no it's not weird, it's very very not weird

james @jbbarnes
they're hugging in the middle of the kitchen. mission accomplished.

-

shane @bombshell
WAIT

shane @bombshell
SO HOW MANY KIDS DOES TONY STARK ACTUALLY HAVE

peter @peteparker
it's still five!!! me, harley, riri, shuri, and the fifth is actually nebula

ryan @spooker
nebula??? whomst'd've is that

peter @peteparker
@meanblue she's our awesome older alien sister!!!

nebula @meanblue
Hello.

peter @peteparker
i love you nebula!!!!!

nebula @meanblue
…requited

peter @peteparker
uwu

-

egg @deviled
FINALLY I CAN TALK ABOUT IT

egg @deviled
I HAVE KNOWN FOR SO LONG AND I COULDN'T SAY A WORD

peter @peteparker
sorry you caught me changing that one time

egg @deviled
it's not my fault you're kinda a dumbass

kali @killakween
hey! don't be fucking rude!

peter @peteparker
no, they're right, i'm a huge dumbass

irondad @TStark
you have an iq that's higher than mine and you're still the most stupid person i've ever met

michelle @ladybossjr
truer word have never been typed

-

Plant King @PlantKing
wait so which account do we use now?

jo @jojoclown
@peteparker @actuallyspiderman WHICH ACCOUNT ARE YOU GOING TO USE NOW

peter @peteparker
oh shit good question uhhhh

peter @peteparker
i'll probably use this account more often and save the other one for spider-man stuff, like news about villains or for pictures i take

spider-son @peteparker
i'll change my name though!

-

spider-son @peteparker
yo real shit real quick, i only kept my secret identity for so long because i didn't want my friends and family to be in danger

spider-son @peteparker
so if you guys even try to find where they live, assault them, etc, i have the avengers legal team on my side and i won't hesitate to ruin your life.

spider-son @peteparker
also you legally can't do that bc uhhhhh i'm baby

Chapter Text

ann @ruler
@Cap.America if you had the opportunity to go back to the past and live out your life there, would you take it? you are the man out of time after all

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Sorry, I had to ask a couple people if this was a genuine question, because I thought this was a joke.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Short answer? No way in hell.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Long answer? I can't see what I would have to gain going back. Everything I love is right here. Sure, I left behind everything that I knew and it was really hard to acclimate to a new culture, but the future is amazing!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I spent so long romanticizing the past and everything that I left behind that it was hard to accept that I was no longer there.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
But my team, my family, they helped me realize that I needed to make the best of what I thought was a bad situation. They helped me realize that this was home now. I have all that I need right here.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss certain things, like Peggy and the other Howlies, but going back wouldn't be worth it if it meant giving up what I have now.

irondad @TStark
think about how you would mess up the timeline if you went back, jesus. there's no way you would let hydra have bucky, you would probably kill howard if you got the chance

irondad @TStark
and that's not even mentioning you having knowledge of future occurrences! every movie that had time travel in it ever basically shows how bad of an idea that would be

spider-son @peteparker
speaking of time travel movies, have you ever noticed that that one guy from hot tub time machine looks like bucky?

Chapter Text

michelle @ladybossjr
juneteenth was a couple days ago! for those of you who are not american, not of earth, or were fucked up by our education system, i will explain why it's important to recognize and celebrate

michelle @ladybossjr
juneteenth is the holiday that commemorates the abolition of slavery in the united states in 1865 at the end of the civil war

michelle @ladybossjr
it's important to note that even after the abolition of slavery, the united states still found ways to force former slaves into positions of servitude through share-cropping

michelle @ladybossjr
obviously, that wasn't the end of discrimination towards people of color because about 100 years later the civil rights movement happened

michelle @ladybossjr
the discrimination that those men and women faced cannot be forgotten. thousands upon thousands of people have been killed for their race since then. it's still a problem that we face today.

michelle @ladybossjr
i have had the privilege to have been born into a stable household with access to good education and support. not everyone in our country can say the same.

michelle @ladybossjr
statistics have shown that black people are 3x more likely to be killed by police. 99% of cases in 2015 have NOT resulted in officers involved being convicted.

michelle @ladybossjr
black people are killed by police at a rate of 7.2 per million. native americans are killed at a rate of 7.8 per million. white people are killed at a rate of 2.9 per million.

michelle @ladybossjr
police brutality is real and it cannot go ignored. people live day to day in fear of being killed by the very same people we are told should protect us. if we can't trust them, who can we trust?

Chapter Text

carol @cdanvers
the greatest mystery of our time is how the hell nick fury has a reputation as a mysterious badass

Fury @NicholasFury
Shut up.

carol @cdanvers
so seriously how did you do it?

Chad @callerid
i think it has something to do with him being a highly respected agent and the director of an agency that most people don't know about

carol @cdanvers
"highly respected agent" LMAO

Fury @NicholasFury
Danvers.

carol @cdanvers
hey nicky, i bet your other eye that coulson is more badass than you

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Woah that's a bit too far, him losing his eye is a sensitive subject.

nat @blackwidow
yeah, he actually used to lesson he learned from what happened to recruit me

clint @hawkeye
people say that he hasn't smiled since, that's how bad the incident was

irondad @TStark
yeah i stay away from that subject because i know it's traumatic

carol @cdanvers

Fury @NicholasFury
Please no.

carol @cdanvers
……

Fury @NicholasFury
Carol don't, I'm begging you.

carol @cdanvers
BAHAHAHAHAHAHDJFDJSKSKWJFJEIEU

carol @cdanvers
TRAUMATIC MY BISEXUAL ASS OH MY GOD I CAN'T BREATH

Fury @NicholasFury
Carol please, I have a reputation!

carol @cdanvers
MY CAT CLAWED YOUR EYE AND SUDDENLY IT'S THIS SENSITIVE AND TRAUMATIC THING

Fury @NicholasFury
YOU'RE CAT??? I HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING CARE OF THAT CAT SINCE THE 90S FOR IT TO BE YOUR CAT

carol @cdanvers
LET'S BE HONEST GOOSE DOESN'T BELONG TO EITHER OF US GOOSE IS JUST GOOSE

Fury @NicholasFury
FAIR

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I'm sorry, a cat? It was a fucking cat?

clint @hawkeye
woah language

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You know what? No. Fucking no. There's no was a fucking cat inspired the rant you went on to be before you were fucking shot in my apartment.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
"The last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye." WHAT KIND OF GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
i need a nap

irondad @TStark
he passed out on the couch

irondad @TStark
also rest in peace iconic cat that started this whole thing, your legacy will live on in his eyepatch

carol @cdanvers
the cat is still alive lol

irondad @TStark
how???

carol @cdanvers
alien cat

irondad @TStark
i need it's autograph

Fury @NicholasFury
Carol, you and Parker are the only people capable of ruining my reputation like this. I hope you're happy.

carol @cdanvers
i am :D

nat @blackwidow
wait did you say coulson?

Chapter Text

ruby @redredred
is nobody going to talk about that time bruce banner disappeared off the face of the planet for 2 years???

sara @solicitedmuse
I REMEMBER THAT HOLY SHIT WHAT DID HAPPEN

luna @starpower
oh god the memes at the time about him being a cryptid

eli @lapis
bruce banner is still alive, i saw him at a denny's at 4 in the morning drinking hot sauce

adam @lazuli
bruce banner is just chilling out there with bigfoot and mothman

L @snakeperson
bruce banner is real and he spent 2 years in space trapped as the hulk fighting in jeff goldblum's battle tournament on a different planet

zach @cornchild
bruce banner is real and he vored my son

luna @starpower
those were some classics, but then he just showed up one day and nobody talked about it?

ruby @redredred
exactly what i'm saying

ruby @redredred
WAIT A FUCKING SECOND @snakeperson IS LOKI

Plant King @PlantKing
DOES THAT MEAN THEY WERE BEING SERIOUS

L @snakeperson
it's she today

Plant King @PlantKing
DOES THAT MEAN SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS

L @snakeperson
òwó

shane @bombshell
@BruceBanner please tell us what happened in the two years you were gone

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Queer bonding.

egg @deviled
THAT'S GREAT BUT NOT AN ANSWER

Thor @godofthunder
we started dating!

seymour @saymore
but you weren't on planet? when did you come back to earth?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I was in space

eugene @ayybaby
this thread is terrible, the gays don't know how to communicate properly at all

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I'm not sure what you guys want me to say, Loki already told you what happened.

ruby @redredred
WAIT SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS

kelly @skeling
wait is jeff goldblum an alien?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
@godofthunder Was The Grandmaster actually Jeff Goldblum???

Thor @godofthunder
i… i don't know

Jeff Goldblum @jeffreygoldblum
I will not be responding to comments at this time.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
????????

Chapter Text

ned @GITC
honestly idk if i should be jealous that my bf (boyfriend AND best friend) is getting along so well with someone else

spider-son @peteparker
babe you know i love you, but he's my husband! it would be wrong to put my husband above anyone else

ned @GITC
ah shit my b, continue on

michelle @ladybossjr
once you get the two of them together nobody else exists

betty @blondebetty
i feel love in this chili's tonight

ned @GITC
peter isn't even on twitter rn, that's how crazy it's gotten

Abe @AbeBabe
I hate that that's the measure, whether or not he's on twitter

flash @canttouchthis
wait are you ready

flash @canttouchthis
idk man mysterio just isn't cool

spider-son @peteparker
YOU TAKE THAT BACK

spider-man @peteparker
oh shit it was a trap

°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
you're such a loser lol

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
OMG JAKE GYLLENHAAL HEY

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
wait are you secretly evil in this universe just waiting for peter to trust you before you betray him dramatically? blaming him for the death of his loved ones before leading him to get hit by a high speed train? attacking his friends and almost shooting him in the head before you yourself die, but as your final act of retribution you release a video revealing his identity as spider-man and framing him for an attack on london and your own death?

spider-son @peteparker
how the hell did you go so far over the character limit???

°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
he's babey? i'm legally not allowed to hurt him even if i wanted to? WHICH I DON'T I LOVE HIM

spider-son @peteparker
uwu

°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
also wade i'm from a universe where you're actually a green lantern

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
oh god oh no i thought i killed all of them

°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
i have to go

°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
for everyone asking I'm from a different universe where everything got Fucked up so I came here but I'm staying bc it's nice here

spider-son @peteparker
and because you like me (✿◠ᴗ◠)

°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
AND BECAUSE I LIKE PETER A WHOLE LOT

spider-son @peteparker
anyway my goal is to get quentin a date by the end of the month so if anyone is interested dm me ;*

°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
honey please…

Chapter Text

lesbian rights @bykes

@TStark i bet you couldn't figure out time travel

 

irondad @TStark

Bet.

 

james @jbbarnes

oh god oh no this is bad

 

Steve Rogers @Cap.America

You've found his one weakness. A dare.

 

AIM @AIM

I dare you to hand over the arc reactor.

 

irondad @TStark

lol your "company" died with killian why are you even trying

 

AIM @AIM

😭

 

irondad @TStark

@bykes do i have a time limit?

 

lesbian rights @bykes

uhh one week

 

irondad @TStark

oh lmao bet that's not hard give me 2 days

 

spider-son @peteparker

coward do it in 24 hours

 

spider-son @peteparker

and you have to eat and sleep in that time

 

irondad @TStark

if i do it you have to let me make a recommendation letter for your applications

 

spider-son @peteparker

BET

 

pat @pavillion

why would he have to be bribed with that???

 

spider-son @peteparker

bro i don't wanna get into college or get a job because i know tony stark i want to get in because i'm good enough

 

irondad @TStark

i'll sign it with a different name if you want me to, i just want to rave about you

 

spider-son @peteparker

that's gotta be illegal in some way

 

irondad @TStark

then i'll legally change my name for a day

 

irondad @TStark

oh btw i figured out time travel lol

 

lesbain rights @bykes

proof?

 

irondad @TStark

what kind of proof do you want?

 

lesbian rights @bykes

take a picture with captain america before he shaved his beard last week doing a peace sign and winking

 

irondad @TStark

Done.

 

irondad @TStark

timetravelbitch.jpeg

 

Steve Rogers @Cap.America

You already took that picture with me?

 

Steve Rogers @Cap.America

OH MY GOD THAT WAS FUTURE YOU WOAH

 

irondad @TStark

okay now i'm going to destroy this technology before anything bad can happen

 

james @jbbarnes

smart

Chapter Text

irondad @TStark
if I tell you guys what's in area 51 do you promise not to storm it

Matthew Ellis @POTUS
What the hell, Stark.

irondad @TStark
you're not the one who would be suffering if they stormed it, ellis.

Matthew Ellis @POTUS
Fine.

spider @spyder
yes please mr iron-dad sir

irondad @TStark
jesus christ you're just like peter

spider @spyder
yes please you stinky old man

irondad @TStark
honestly that's still like peter

irondad @TStark
okay so I own area 51

spider-son @peteparker
you WHAT

mossy @beartime
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU OWN AREA 51

killer @bigmeem
FJFHSKFJFBDNALA

apple soda @bookboyy
please… let us see them aliens

anton @ssubway
give us that alussy

alex @ddominos
shut the fuck up anton

irondad @TStark
you guys still haven't promised not to raid it if I tell you what's there

irondad @TStark
okay enough people have promised, so I'll tell you

irondad @TStark
area 51 is actually where all of the chitauri bodies from the battle of new york are, as well as the bodies from the battle in wakanda

irondad @TStark
due to their bodies having a different chemical composition from life on earth, they cant be left to decompose or they would ruin the ecosystem

irondad @TStark
the area is quarantined and obviously they're not just in a huge pile, but they're there until we figure out what to do with them

irondad @TStark
so yeah, there are aliens, but not fun aliens just dead bodies

@peteparker: is that actually what's in area 51?

@TStark: yeah mostly

@peteparker: mostly?

@TStark: well one of the infinity stones are also kept there

@peteparker: oh Shit

@TStark: yeah

@TStark: so you see why i had to make sure nobody actually raided the place

@peteparker: yup totally understandable

Chapter Text

venom @wervenom
hey avengers, we're going to be in new york this week if you want to meet us?

irondad @TStark
YES

spider-son @peteparker
please… i need to know if your voice is as deep as it sounds in the videos

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Just let us know when and where.

clint @hawkeye
wait are you going to tell us your secret identity???

venom @wervenom
uh yeah I don't see why not

clint @hawkeye
oh FUCK yeah

venom @wervenom
@godofthunder hey venom is wondering why you haven't said anything about what he is

Thor @godofthunder
I didn't think it was my place to, he seems to be very different from any of the others of his kind that I have met before

venom @wervenom
as in he's not a genocidal maniac?

Thor @godofthunder
As in he's not a genocidal maniac.

spider-son @peteparker
you know i'm not gonna ask

venom @wervenom
good idea

anne @whimsy
shape of water headass

venom @wervenom
SHUT THE FUCK UP ANNE

anne @whimsy
the real monsterfucker is venom's host

anne @whimsy
sorry *boyfriend

venom @wervenom
you're not funny

anne @whimsy
venom thinks I'm funny

venom @wervenom
no he doesn't

venom @wervenom
y̸e̶s̵ ̵i̷ ̵d̵o̷

venom @wervenom
ANYWAY i'll be in nyc tomorrow for stuff, just tell me when i should stop by the tower

-

spider-son @peteparker
hey karen why my pp hard

KAREN @KAREN
It would appear to be due to the fact that Mister Venom allowed you to climb on his shoulders.

spider-son @peteparker
THEY DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT KAREN

KAREN @KAREN
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

irondad @TStark
he's so… big

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
rt

slim pp @skinnypeen
blease tell us if his voice is really Like That

james @jbbarnes
IT IS IT REALLY IS

james @jbbarnes
also, I'm gonna say it… his host is just as hot

slim pp @skinnypeen
FUCK

irondad @TStark
okay so venom isn't unlike a goo that will seep into his host's skin when he's not Big, but he'll do this thing where a small bit of venom will come out and just hover by his shoulder

irondad @TStark
he's about the size of a sock puppet then and acts like a fucking cat it's Adorable

irondad @TStark
callout post for steve, when they transformed for the first time he had to leave the room and take a breather

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
SHUT UP

nat @blackwidow
y'all are a mess

Chapter Text

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
WHATS UP FUCKERS

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
the author is a dumbass who only pulls me out of his pocket when it's most convenient so he'd like to apologize for the lack of dp content uwu

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
ANYWAY as some of you may know today is the one year anniversary of this wonderful fanfiction coming to life

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
it's wild that this version of me was only created a year ago and all of my memories and actions are what the author makes them to be

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
it's almost as if i don't exist outside of the tweets that i make and my whole personality has been cherry picked from the author's favourite parts of canon

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
i don't have to acknowledge the horrible trauma and world-shattering angst that happens in other canon because i can spend my whole existence making funny jokes on twitter

deadpool @deadpoolbaby

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
happy one year

Chapter Text

spider-son @peteparker
lmao some of you guys are going back to school soon, graduation has never felt so good

pipis room @allthepipis
shut up or I'll pee on you

spider-son @peteparker
o-oh?

pipis room @allthepipis
yeah. I'll do it.

spider-son @peteparker
please mx pipis, I'll do anything!!!

pipis room @allthepipis
anything?

spider-son @peteparker
yes!

pipis room @allthepipis
then perish.

KAREN @KAREN
This just in, Peter Parker has been found dead after being dunked on.

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
Tragedy within the superhero community as Spider-Man mysteriously dies. The only clue at the scene of the accident was his phone, which was opened to the Twitter app.

KAREN @KAREN
FRIDAY, how is Tony Stark taking the sudden death of his son? Sorry, his mentee.

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
Thank you for asking, KAREN. Boss is currently in mourning and us unable to take questions at this time.

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
How are Peter's friends taking it?

KAREN @KAREN
Well, his close friend Michelle Jones, after being told of Peter's untimely death, shrugged and said, "I always knew it was coming."

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
A truly tragic end for such a bright young man with endless potential. We can only hope that the city of Queens will be safe with their beloved webslinger gone.

KAREN @KAREN
It's always a pleasure to work with you, FRIDAY. Hopefully next time it won't be under such tragic circumstances.

FRIDAY @FRIDAY
We can only hope.

spider-son @peteparker
y'all are irritating

Chapter Text

nat @blackwidow
sometimes it's easy to recognize that the avengers are a group of highly trained and dangerous individuals and other times they seem like the physical embodiment of 30-50 feral hogs

mossy @beartime
FHCJCBDJSKSOFIRJE DCNDJSKSDKJGJSKA EXPLAIN PLEASE

nat @blackwidow
clint: *can hit almost any target, moving or not, from nearly any distance with extreme precision*

nat @blackwidow
also clint: what would happen if i used orange juice to brew my coffee

ruby @redredred
that's literally so disgusting i genuinely threw up

nat @blackwidow
now they're debating whether grape juice or orange juice would be better

nat @blackwidow
bruce is sitting in the corner looking on in horror and honestly same they're all disgusting

nat @blackwidow
OH GOD TONY JUST PROPOSED SELTZER WATER

luna @starpower
CARBONATED COFFEE NO NO NO NO NO NO

nat @blackwidow
i deadass think there are tears streaming down bruce's face

lance @blueboii
why???

nat @blackwidow
because thor just asked if they could use asgardian alcohol to make coffee

nat @blackwidow
sam looks like he wants to die, he's clutching his protein shake like it's his child

Plant King @PlantKing
I'm living for black widow live tweeting the avengers being the dumbest bitches alive

nat @blackwidow
I'm so glad I have my girlfriends to keep me sane

Okoye @OKOYE
Things are not much better in Wakanda.

Okoye @OKOYE
The princess is trying to replicate different weapons from video games. It is going well.

eli @lapis
why does that sound like a bad thing???

Okoye @OKOYE
Because it's going well.

Okoye @OKOYE
The energy sword is particularly effective.

adam @lazuli
oh god

nat @blackwidow
tony wants to make coffee with tomato juice and now even clint looks sick

Chapter Text

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Hey just a reminder to support local artists!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
If you can I would also recommend getting your paints and pigments from smaller companies or distributors!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
It's not always the most price efficient, but it's always worth it to support those people!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Also, fuck Anish Kapoor.

-

nat @blackwidow
going off of what steve said, support your local dance and theatre groups

nat @blackwidow
go to shows, attend competitions, cheer them on

nat @blackwidow
it means more to them than you probably think

-

falcon @samwilson
I guess this is a thing now, so support bakeries and coffee shops! there is so much more than just starbucks

falcon @samwilson
those people work crazy hours to make amazing food so if you can give them some business

-

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I support reading books in any way you can, but there's something special about going into a small bookstore and not knowing what you'll come out with.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
The stores I have gone to over the years have all had amazing hidden gems in them!

-

spider-son @peteparker
this is so wholesome so I'm piggybacking off of it

spider-son @peteparker
support florists!!! the bouquets you get from walmart are trash no offense and you can get so much better at any flower store

spider-son @peteparker
the language of flowers is beautiful and you can say fuck you with a bouquet of flowers!!! it's amazing!!!

Chapter Text

michelle @ladybossjr
callout post for @peteparker he was asked to write a 3 page essay about his hero freshman year and he wrote 12 pages about tony stark

michelle @ladybossjr
in eighth grade he made a presentation about bruce banner that was supposed to be 4 minutes long, but he was cut off halfway through at the 9 minute mark

ned @GITC
in fourth grade he wrote a paper about how thor should be the next president of the united states

gene @canttouchthis
in second grade he wore an iron man mask almost every day and refused to take it off

may @spideraunt
I particularly like the fact that he wore exclusively avengers boxers until he was in middle school

nat @blackwidow
he passed out when he first met me

ned @GITC
for halloween one year he dressed up as bucky barnes because he "also deserves recognition"

michelle @ladybossjr
he cried when he first met pepper Potts

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
That's true.

Luna @starpower
did we miss something why are we calling him out for stuff

adam @lazuli
not that we're complaining this is some god tier content right here

eli @lapis
did he post cringe? will he lose subscribers?

elyse @forME
oh shit no his subscribers, why did he have to post cringe

ned @GITC
he didn't post cringe, thank god

ned @GITC
he's just on a mission rn and therefore can't defend himself

slim pp @skinnypeen
lol as his bf shouldn't you be defending him?

ned @GITC
and miss a chance to embarrass him? hell no

spider-son @peteparker
HEY WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

Chapter Text

bubble @bubbleboy
steve rogers: fuck billionaires, but also FUCK billionaires, if you know what I mean

james @jbbarnes
alternatively- steve: fuck billionaires, but also let billionaires fuck YOU, if you know what i mean

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Can I get a new boyfriend? Can I please get a new boyfriend???

xoxo @gossipgurl
idk why but it still freaks me out every time captain america quotes a meme

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
sksksk and i oop where's my hydroflask sksksksks

Hydroflask @Hydroflask
We would be honoured to have your business.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Thanks, but I have Stark Industries brand waterbottles.

falcon @samwilson
sugar baby

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
SHUT THE FUCK UP

falcon @samwilson
welcome to the thread called steve rogers is a sugar baby

falcon @samwilson
went to art school, and tony paid for the whole thing

falcon @samwilson
has a whole floor in the tower dedicated to his studio, and a whole wing for it in the compound

falcon @samwilson
when he complained about not being able to find certain supplies that he liked, tony MADE them for him

falcon @samwilson
half of his clothes have the si logo on them... the other half have iron man motifs

falcon @samwilson
his gear is always the first to get updated when tony does an overhaul

falcon @samwilson
when he was sad that different museums had all of his old stuff, tony got it all back and then sued the museums for refusing to give it to him in the first place

falcon @samwilson
do I even have to mention the gucci stuff?

james @jbbarnes
haha get fucked steve

falcon @samwilson
and now welcome to my next thread: bucky barnes is also a sugar baby

james @jbbarnes
o h n o

falcon @samwilson
tony "i don't make weapons" stark REFUSES to let bucky use guns that weren't made by him

falcon @samwilson
just like steve's studio, bucky has a shooting range in the tower and compound just for him

falcon @samwilson
probably a good half the time you will find bucky wearing an iron man sweater that tony had custom made for him (yes, it's also gucci)

falcon @samwilson
tony had bucky's old favourite burger joint from the 30s remade and renovated in the same spot it used to be in because bucky said he missed it

falcon @samwilson
bucky has so many old and expensive cars, and tony has bought all of them

falcon @samwilson
steve or bucky: I want-
tony: consider it done

falcon @samwilson
steve or bucky: hey there's this charity-
tony, already donating a million dollars: oh tell me more

sugaaar @smallmint
oh see that's how you really deal with having a billionaire sugar daddy

clint @hawkeye
tony: hey doll?
steve and bucky, already a pile of goo on the floor: y-yeah?

nat @blackwidow
tony: jamie, stevie?
steve and bucky: 🥰🥰😍🥰😫😫😍🥰

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I- I need to leave the country.

james @jbbarnes
i'm just going to delete the internet now and die, because that's the only option i see rn

irondad @TStark
please don't

james @jbbarnes
okay i won't

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Okay I guess I could stay.

spider-son @peteparker
*wuh-PSSSH* whipped

Chapter Text

uh yeah @rwahead
if this isn't too personal, how does your sleeping situation work? with some of you having relationships outside of each other? (i'm @ ing stuckony in replies)

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Not a problem at all! Typically we will sleep together, but Bucky is also dating Sam so sometimes they'll spend the night together. Same goes for Tony and Scott!

hotel @twiviago
are there nights where they're both sleeping with other people? what do you do then?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Sure, it has happened before! Usually I'll just go cuddle with Clint for the night. He likes cuddles.

james @jbbarnes
that being said the avengers are all physically affectionate so sometimes we'll just spend the night with whoever's wants to

james @jbbarnes
stevie and i are basically human body heaters, so we make great cuddle partners in the colder months

irondad @TStark
as if my tower or compound could ever be at an uncomfortable temperature

spider-son @peteparker
you make your room colder so you can cuddle with your boys and you know it

irondad @TStark
WOW IVE BEEN CALLED OUT

james @jbbarnes
...do you really do that?

irondad @TStark
maybe?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Don't mind me, just crying in the gym because my boyfriend it too cute. Don't mind me.

spider-son @peteparker
i just realized that we're all so physically affectionate because we've been starved of love most of our lives

clint @hawkeye
wow peter is just on a roll tonight huh

Chapter Text

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Never, I repeat NEVER, get in the car with Peter Parker.

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
This boy cannot drive.

spider-son @peteparker
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO VOLUNTEERED TO HELP ME LEARN HOW

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THAT BAD

spider-son @peteparker
I LIVE IN NEW YORK I'VE TAKEN PUBLIC TRANSPORT MY WHOLE LIFE

irondad @TStark
after seeing the damage to the car… I'm so glad I didn't let you borrow one of my nice ones

spider-son @peteparker
please… I need a responsible adult to help me learn how to drive

spider-son @peteparker
I've gone through 3 teachers already

clint @hawkeye
i could help you kid

spider-son @peteparker

spider-son @peteparker
to reiterate, I need a RESPONSIBLE adult to help me learn how to drive

clint @hawkeye
WOW OKAY

spider-son @peteparker
one with a reasonable temper

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Okay fair.

spider-son @peteparker
one who actually knows how to drive

Thor @godofthunder
understandable

spider-son @peteparker
one who won't make fun of me

falcon @samwilson
alright short stack

spider-son @peteparker
someone who won't kill people for honking at me on the road

nat @blackwidow
they would never find the bodies

spider-son @peteparker
and someone who is very patient with me

Happy @HHogan
I see how it is.

spider-son @peteparker
:)

jim @jamesrhodes
...fine I'll help

Chapter Text

falcon @samwilson
reminder! you don't have to feel ashamed for going to therapy!!!

falcon @samwilson
there is no shame in wanting therapy, needing therapy, or going to therapy

falcon @samwilson
it's long past time to break the stigma around mental health!!!!!!

falcon @samwilson
i've personally been going to therapy for most of my life, especially after i was discharged

falcon @samwilson
lots of the people i was in the army with looked down on me or shamed me for it, but that didn't stop me

spider-son @peteparker
this is getting kinda personal, but i've been going to therapy since my parents died

spider-son @peteparker
there were times, especially after my uncle died, that we couldn't afford to send me to therapy regularly, but we somehow made it work

spider-son @peteparker
when i was younger the kids in my school would make fun of me for being crazy because i went to therapy

spider-son @peteparker
now i know quite a few of those kids go to therapy themselves

spider-son @peteparker
people change, their needs change, I went to 7 different therapists before I found one that worked for me

irondad @TStark
i was raised to believe that therapy was a sign of weakness. that stark's were made of iron and that if i was a real man, i would learn to tough it out

irondad @TStark
i developed anxiety and depression very young, and ptsd and a couple other things i'm not comfortable sharing later in life

irondad @TStark
but i didn't start going to therapy until 2015

irondad @TStark
so please, even if you aren't mentally i'll, even if you're just stressed out and sad, please consider going to therapy

irondad @TStark
there are a lot of great alternatives out there for those who are financially struggling, things like call lines and apps

irondad @TStark
if you're struggling with finding a financially viable option, dm me. i will help you figure it out.

Chapter Text

spider-son @peteparker
man I remember when I first had to teach mister stark about memes

irondad @TStark
oh god don't remind me

neurosis @riotriotriot
what was so bad about it???

irondad @TStark
I WAS SO IGNORANT I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING

spider-son @peteparker
"what the fuck does oh jah mean?"

ned @GITC
"okay but why is this buzzfeed show so important?"

spider-son @peteparker
"i thought peppa pig was a children's show???"

michelle @ladybossjr
"so f doesn't mean fuck?"

ned @GITC
"why does everyone on twitter call me daddy if it's not just about sex?"

spider-son @peteparker
"what's with the internet and beans???"

ned @GITC
"i understand i'm baby, but is it acceptable to say that peter's baby? because he's baby."

michelle @ladybossjr
"okay so tell me if i get this right. steve rogers is one thicc bih."

spider-son @peteparker
"wait people find me relatable for my mental illnesses?????? how the hell does that work???"

ned @GITC
"............... uwu?"

michelle @ladybossjr
"can i make all the orphan jokes that rhodey doesn't like me saying?"

spider-son @peteparker
"i feel like i'm going to regret asking this, but who is joe?"

ned @GITC
*crying* "how did you make that noise with your mouth?!"
peter: "(✿◠‿◠)"

Chapter Text

miles @sMILES
can we just talk about how Whack public school is???

spider-son @peteparker
OH GOD I KNOW

ned @GITC
MIDTOWN WAS SUPER WILD THOUGH

betty @blondebetty
YOU PUT A GROUP OF SUPER SMART KIDS TOGETHER IN ONE HIGH SCHOOL

betty @blondebetty
SHIT IS GOING TO GET WEIRD

michelle @ladybossjr
remember when someone found a teacher's twitter and started printing out tweets and putting them up around the school

Abe @AbeBabe
remember when a girl was dress coded for her makeup and everyone including morita showed up the next day wearing make up

cindy @cxndymoon
remember when that one chem teacher faked his death and we had a pep rally for him

cindy @cxndymoon
and it turned out he was using the labs to make drugs

seymour @saymore
or the film teacher who got caught having sex in a taco bell

liz @lizardallen
or how my dad ended up being a literal supervillain lmao

spider-son @peteparker
y i k e s sorry

liz @lizardallen
oh lol it's good

michelle @ladybossjr
should we even mention harrington and his wife

ned @GITC
… it's best if we just don't

miles @sMILES
at my old school people would smear actual shit on the walls so

miles @sMILES
there were quite a few fights and last year (before I transferred) one of the teachers got hit in the head with a hydroflask

miles @sMILES
I've had kids in my art class ask how to make grey. GREY.

miles @sMILES
you don't know a true lack of common sense until a kid has asked the teacher to repeat the instructions FOUR TIMES

miles @sMILES
oh and it wasn't like this in my school, but I know schools that went HOG WILD for football games

miles @sMILES
and the cult rumors that ended up being true lol

spider-son @peteparker
what the FUCK context??????

miles @sMILES
no… I don't think I will.

deadpool @deadpoolbaby
are you allowed to say that???

Chapter Text

spider-son @peteparker
can the avengers PLEASE stop purposefully misquoting memes and slang it's very annoying

shuri @shuri
damn danny, what's that!!!

spider-son @peteparker
please… please don't do this to me

nat @blackwidow
freaky flex but alright

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
aura check

Thor @godofthunder
my favourite app is tic tac!

spider-son @peteparker
i will pay you to stop. what do you all want from me.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
no hat

james @jbbarnes
current issues require current solutions

irondad @TStark
this makes my metal become the large metal

spider-son @peteparker
you KNOW that's not right

clint @hawkeye
we infuriating

spider-son
god yes you are but don't phrase it Like That

falcon @samwilson
i'm an absolute mime

wanda @scarletwitch
okay gen b

spider-son @peteparker
that's DISGUSTING

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
you are not immune to misleading information.

spider-son @peteparker
FUCK IT

spider-son @peteparker
vanilla extract on the wall

Chapter Text

spider-son @peteparker
HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN

ned @GITC
IT'S THIS WEEK JAHXHHFHSJSKFJFISNC

spider-son @peteparker
QUICK WHAT IS EVERYONE BEING FOR HALLOWEEN I'M GOING AS CALVIN

ned @GITC
AND I'LL BE HOBBES

michelle @ladybossjr
i'm going as joan of arc

irondad @TStark
@Cap.America @jbbarnes and i will be the powerpuff girls, i am of course bubbles

james @jbbarnes
i'm buttercup

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
And I will be Blossom!

nat @blackwidow
i'll be dressing up as artemis

clint @hawkeye
and i'm apollo!!!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
@godofthunder and I will be Kronk and Yzma! Some adjustments will be made for the sake of comfort though haha

luna @starpower
i'm not saying it's because thor is a himbo, but it's because thor is a himbo.

falcon @samwilson
lando calrissian! @scottlang is my han

scott @scottlang
hell yeah!!!

egg @deviled
i feel like that's kinda unexpected

scott @scottlang
i mean we're pretty close and both of our boyfriends have had costumes picked out for MONTHS

irondad @TStark
don't expose me >:(

scott @scottlang
sorry babe but you've literally had this planned since november 1st of last year

james @jbbarnes
damn called you

falcon @samwilson
hush sweetheart you've been on board with that plan since november 2nd of last year

irondad @TStark
it should be said that not all of us will be dressing up or celebrating, but the trick or treat at stark industries will be open to the public! and who knows, maybe some of us will show up ;)

Chapter Text

falcon @samwilson
i am still not used to peter actually being an adult and being able to talk about shit

rae @collllie
example??

falcon @samwilson
he's talking about how it's…… november

rae @collllie
AKFJFJSKXHDHAL

spider-son @peteparker
i'm sorry i have a nut allergy i don't know what you're talking about

spider-son @peteparker
reese's peanut butter cup? No Thank You

spider-son @peteparker
i have to be careful, that cookie may have traces of nuts in it

ned @GITC
the nutritious snack of trail mix? ahh, i cannot, for No Nuts

harley @potatogun
No Protein Bars

michelle @ladybossjr
may i see the package, i cannot have Ňüť

irondad @TStark
i think i need to bleach my eyes

spider-son @peteparker
what's wrong father, do you not like N̶̼̑ ̸͔͗U̷̱ ̴̡̌T̶̗̚

irondad @TStark
i'm going to try my hardest to make sure you fail

spider-son @peteparker
FUCK HE JUST SENT ME A PICTURE OF VENOM FJVJVHDJSOAO HE KNOWS MY WEAKNESS

venom @wervenom
t̵h̸a̶n̷k̶ ̷y̵o̶u̷

ned @GITC
this is going to be a long month

Chapter Text

spider-son @peteparker
watching the avengers say ok boomer in different situations will never not be funny

spider-son @peteparker
example, sam and rhodey were doing a press conference after the last battle bc they were the team leads at the time

spider-son @peteparker
and sam was talking and answering a question, but this old reporter dude tried to interrupt so sam just goes "ok boomer" and continues

irondad @TStark
i had the absolute Pleasure of watching rhodey say ok boomer to a major who tried to insult him

irondad @TStark
and the same with pepper during a board meeting

spider-son @peteparker
but also tony you did it just the other day during the fight with that old guy who thought he could mind control animals

spider-son @peteparker
he was going off on his Villain Monologue and you just fucking shot him and said ok boomer

raiin @romantiic
oh my god what a power move

james @jbbarnes
steve did it in the grocery store when this old guy tried to go off on him about how he doesn't respect what he has and that old back in my day shit

james @jbbarnes
and steve just hold up his hand and says "ok boomer, i was raised in the great depression but go off i guess."

james @jbbarnes
ONLY THEN DID THE GUY REALIZE HE WAS TALKING TO CAPTAIN AMERICA

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Buck you did that the same day at the book store. You had a book about Russia during the Cold War and some guy tried to come up to you and talk about it.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America
When he tried correcting something you said you went, "Ok Boomer, as someone who forcibly worked for Russia at the time, I think I would know more than you. идиот."

wanda @scarletwitch
natasha said it at the farmers market. i'm not going to give any more context because i believe that is enough.

nat @blackwidow
wanda as said it at the farmers market. it may have been to the same person.

falcon @samwilson
clint said it to someone on the streets who yelled at him about how he's broken for not feeling romantic attraction

clint @hawkeye
damn that pissed me off

Thor @godofthunder
bruce has never said it to anyone's face, but he says it quite often at the scientific conferences that i attend with him

Thor @godofthunder
typically it's just under his breath, but i hear every one of them

apple soda @bookboyy
i almost said who knew the avengers were so savage but like… we been knew