I’ve been here for a week, and I’m not quite sure how much longer I can stay for. Not only is there the fact that i’m delaying the fact that i’m delaying the entire reason that i flew to another continent, it’s also slightly tortuous being here with ollie. The unrequited love was difficult, but manageable when we were only communicating through letters, But now? Now it’s unbearable. Before, I had never heard his voice, never known the way it changes constantly to accommodate whatever he’s on about. I had never heard the song of his laugh, the way he smiles and giggles for a moment, before letting loose a roar of joy. I had never seen his face (or at least seen his face in the way I can), the way his eyes crinkle a bit when he smiles, or how he chews his bottom lip absentmindedly when he’s thinking. Now that I know all of this, being beside him makes it so much harder to know that I can never be with him.
I’m sleeping on an air mattress on ollies floor (feike made me take it, insting I stay in ollie’s room with an infuriating wink), so I can tell immediately when he gets out of bed and leaves the room. I like to sleep turned away from him, so I guess he assumed I was sleeping. I figure that he’s just going to the bathroom, but then I hear the slam of the screen door. I’m slightly concerned, but I let it be for 15 minutes or so before putting on my goggles and a sweater and going quietly out the door.
When I get outside, ollie is sitting in the grass with his head on his knees. I can see him shaking, and he looks up when he hears the door swing shut to reveal tears on his face. He quickly wipes them away at the sight of me
“Moritz, hey. What are you doing out here? Did I wake you up?”
I frown. “Why are you crying? Are you alright?”
He pauses for a second. Like he’s considering denying it, but then realises that there’s no point. “I was just….um……….thinking about my mom. I really miss her, y’know?”
Another thing about Oliver Paulot - he’s an awful liar.
My frown deepens. “Ollie, what’s really going on?” I ask, being as gentle as I can. I step down off the porch and sit down in the grass next to him.
“It’s nothing.” he says.
“ But It’s not nothing!” I say, Raising my voice, suddenly angry. “If it was nothing you wouldn’t be on your lawn at 2;30 in the fucking morning, crying!”. He looks hurt. Scheisse. I didn’t mean to hurt him. “Oliver,” I say, softly this time, “why were you crying?”.
He turns tilts his head back, looking up at the sky. “if I told you, you’d never forgive me”. He says it so quietly that I can’t even be sure he said it.
“Oliver Paulot. I am absolutely sure that there is nothing on this planet that you could do that I would never forgive you for. If that has not been established already, than I feel like you were not reading my letters.”
He turns to look at me. “If I tell you, then you have to swear that you’re still going to go on this trip to find your mom. I heard you talking to feike yesterday about leaving on wednesday. You have to still leave on wednesday. You can’t let anything get in the way of that, Okay? You have to promise me, moritz.”
“Ollie, I don’t-”
We’re looking each other in the eyes (rather, im facing his eyes and he’s looking at my goggles). He turns away to look at the lawn, like he can’t even looks at me.
“For god’s sakes moritz, take those damn things off. You don’t need to hide from me. I’m not going to be repulsed or something.”
I snap the goggles off my head and put them in the grass next to me.
“The truth is, Mo, I was thinking the other day. You know how i said all those time that I wasn’t really into guys and i only think of you as a friend?”
I nod. Is he getting at what I think he’s getting at?
“Well, i, the truth is-”
He’s stumbling over is words. It’s adorable. But I know what he’s saying (I hope). Throwing all of my dignity and caution out of the window, I reach over and grab him by the cheek. He looks at me and nods, ever so slightly, and I lean in and kiss him.
I’ve kissed three people in my life.
When I kissed owen, it was good.
When I kissed Max, it was terrible.
But when I kissed ollie? It was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced.
We both melted at the other’s touch. It was tender and passionate. The start of something new.
When we parted for air, We pressed our foreheads together and smiled.
“You have to go.” ollie whispered “you have to go find her, you can’t stay here for me, for this.”
I know that I promised him that I’d go, but i’m honestly not sure I can imagine life beyond this. Imagine life beyond Ollie.
“I will” I say. Because I have to. He’s right, I have to go see her. I’m going to make the absolute best out of the next three days, but i’m going to go see her.
In the meantime, I press our lips together again. My mind goes blank when I kiss him. The world shuts off in a way beyond the point of me not being able to see. My thoughts go blank. My mind is filled with Ollie.
Just as I can feel the tension growing, sensing ollie getting more invested in the kiss, I hear the door swing shut and stomping footsteps on the porch. We both jump to our feet as feike groans.
“Oh for the love of god, don’t you two have your own fucking room to do this? I heard the door slam shut and thought one of you was out here to hang yourself or some shit. Please have your makeout sessions upstairs next time and refrain from waking up the person sleeping on the couch right across from the incredibly loud door? Please?”
Ollie is looking down, embarrassed, and I think he may be blushing, so I reach out my hand. He takes it. We both mumble an apology to feike as we go inside and up the stairs.
It’s going to be hard to leave on wednesday.