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Drapetomania

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Wake up
Junhoe wake up
"Ugh, shut up i don't wanna”
No response
“Babe?”
Still with close eyes he tried to reach the other side of the bed.
Cold
The feeling that something was wrong flooded him. But what was it that put him that way?. All his senses pushed him to reality. He heard someone  knocking the door. He sighed. Ignoring the feeling of agony that was beginning to grow inside him.

“ Junhoe what the fuck? I've been here for at least 15 minutes and you're... still on your pijamas?” the visit asked the last part confused as ever.

“What is your problem Jiwon? Why are you here?” the latter one look at Junhoe, waiting for him to say he was joking.

“Are you being serious?” he sighed at the baffling look of his friend  “please Junhoe, it's not time for you shitty jokes”

“I'm serious Jiwon, you came here at my house and start blame me about something that i don't know” he look at Jiwon, he is giving him that look, the look that means something is wrong, that a storm is coming.

He had only seen that look three times in his life. And nothing good happened when his friend observed him in that way. Suddenly the sensation that he had this morning seized him again.

“Where is Jinhwan?” Jiwon walked towards him. Observing him in the same way when he was a child and he told him that his pet had been run over “where the fuck is Jinhwan?” the younger asked almost without breathing.

“Junhoe, please don't do this to me..” he was aware Jiwon was holding the urge to cry.

He try to ask him again but the reality hits him first and it was as if millions of nails were embedded in his chest . He wasn't breathing. He didn't remember how to do it . His legs failed him causing him fall to the floor. He already know what was wrong. When he realize it, everything was quiet and.. empty.

“Fuck Junhoe, you need to breathe” he took Junhoe's face, forcing him to observe him but the latter one was with the eyes closed “look at me Junhoe, please” the younger did it, sobbing and feeling how his tears were beginning to fall.

“He was here yesterday with me” he whispers to himself. “And now everything is so empty...”

“I know” he sighed and hugs him tight. As if at the time of releasing Junhoe, he could disolved into a thousand pieces. They kept like that, on the floor, whithout saying anything. Only hearing their deep breaths.

“Come on, we need to do this” he stopped for a moment, trying to convince himself of his own words “we need to go” Junhoe give him a confuse look, like if he was talking in a difference language.

“Where do we need to go?” he asked still in tears. Jiwon ignored him, he didn't want to answer.

“Everyone is waiting for you” he stand up, and started to walk at the entrace. But Junhoe was still there, at the floor, not moving a muscle.

“I don't want everyone” he scream “i want him” Junhoe took a deep breathe “where do we need to go?” Jiwon knew. He knew Junhoe was the most affected. But he was too. Jinhwan was his best friend, his family. The elder one was reaching his limit. So he exploded.

“Finish with this crap Junhoe” Jiwon scream irritably “you know what is happening. But as you wish if you want me to tell you i'll do it” he looked at the younger one with pain, he was going to break him, but still he didn't stop.

“We are going at the fucking funeral. The funeral of your boyfriend, my best friend” tears started to flood his face again. “Jinhwan is fucking dead... He is dead

And everything was quiet again.

“No, no, please Jiwon, shut up” he begged. His friend tried to approach and embrace him but Junhoe got up and walked away.

He wasn't thinking clearly. He needed to run away from there. This place was no longer his home. He didn't recognize the department anymore. Everything seemed strange, unknown. His belongings were no longer his. They were from someone else.

Another Junhoe.

He observe the flat. He remembers buying that Toy Story mug; Jinhwan's favorite. The red sofa still had the stain caused by one one of their many fights-no-fights that always ended with one of them cuddle the other one on the couch. He rembers everything but why none of that felt like part of him.

Maybe the Jinhwan that Jiwon is talking about it's another person too. Not his Jinhwan. Of course, i just need to find him, search for my real house. He thought. Surely Jinhwan would be there, waiting for him with the breakfast ready. What could he have cooked? Probably honey waffles that he like so much. Junhoe smiled at the memory of his beloved cooking. It was one of the many things wich he would never be tired of watch everyday.

“Junhoe are you hearing me? Why are you smiling?” he stared at Jiwon, not making out what he was saying.

“I need to go. I need to find him” he walked to the door but Jiwon stopped him.

“What the fuck are you saying?” he panted before looking at his friend, directly in the eyes “please Junhoe, don't make the things worse” he couldn't figure out what Jiwon was saying. So he pushed him and he was released from his grip.

“This is not okay. I must find Jinhwan” he paused for a moment and haltingly he continued “i know he is waiting for me” Junhoe left the flat leaving Jiwon very confused and scared.

And he run.

He didn't stop. Not even when the screams became whispers. O when the sunlight was replaced by the lights of the city.

He didn't stop despite the pavement was replaced by sand. And the sand for the sea. Once again everything became quiet.

And empty

Everything that happened and had happened hit him. Strong and deep. It was not only that he didn't know if his tears or the raindrops wich were beginning to fall were the culprist that he couldn't breathe. Not only was he aware that he needs to face the reality but also he was just... Tired.

Junhoe was despondent and desperate. He doesn't want to think.

He doesn't want to think about how every morning he woke up feeling a small body under his arms. Growling every time Junhoe gently touched his hair. He doesn't hanker to remember in all the dishes Jinhwan cooked for him and how in each bite his mood always improved. Of course he doesn't need to recall about how every time Junhoe kissed Jinhwan's forehead, cheeks or lips the answer he got from him was always the same; a pink color appeared on his cheeks. And Junhoe loved that. He doesn't want to remember how all the small things were always better if Jinhwan was present. While he was there everything was easier and better.

The thread of his thoughts led him to the moment of the call. That call which cause his world collapse into small pieces. The day of the accident.

In his mind it sounded as if it had happened days, months, years ago. But the truth is that only 24 hours have passed. One day since Jinhwan's body became lifeless, cold.

That is the word. It was cold. It is cold.

He lay down on the sand and stared at the sky. Not knowing if the drops he feel falling from his cheeks were from the rain or his tears. He could feel how slowly the sea water dipped the soles of his feet. At any moment the tide would rise. However he does not care.

The earth swallowed all the sounds. Everything was quiet.

And empty...