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He's My Life

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“Cas,” Dean panted, barely getting the man’s name out before he was slammed against the wall. Cas’ hands were at his belt buckle and God, Dean was so screwed. “Fuck…” A firm hand was in his underwear now, roughly stroking his cock. Blue eyes glared at him. “Hey…”

“Shut. Up.” Okay, he could do that. Cas snatched his jeans down, the zipper catching the hairs on his leg and fuck, that hurt, but he bit back a complaint. When Cas was like this, it was better to leave him alone. Or lay back and take it, whatever the case may be. 

It was dry and almost painful, but Cas wasn’t giving in. Dean was fucking into his fist. Needing it… wanting it. Lips crashed onto his, bruising. Dean thought he tasted blood. It wouldn’t be the first time Cas had drawn blood during sex.

Cas lifted his head, their combined spit making his lips shiny in the dim foyer. Dean swallowed and couldn’t take his eyes off his beautiful mouth. “You want me.” It wasn’t a question. Cas was stating a fact. Fuck, yeah, Dean wanted him. Always would. He merely nodded.

Cas stepped back and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Then he caught Dean off guard by groaning and staring up at the ceiling. “We can’t…”

“Sure we can…” Again, Dean’s mouth snapped shut. Cas’ anger was gone and in its place was a sadness so deep, Dean was sure he was drowning. “Cas… babe…”

“Don’t you dare call me that.” Dean closed his eyes and let his head hit the door behind him with a hollow thud. He deserved Cas anger, but knowing he was causing Cas pain was breaking his heart. He ran his hand through his hair and straightened.

“I should go.”

“You should,” Cas said softly. Dean turned and put his hand on the doorknob. His eyes caught the leash hanging by the door and the entire afternoon rushed back at him.

“Wait, where’s Lola?” Cas’ eyes narrowed. Shit, angry Cas was back in residence.

“Lola is still at daycare.” Damn it. Cas had signed their baby up for doggie daycare and didn’t put Dean on the list, so he couldn’t sign her out.

“You did that on purpose,” Dean snapped. “It’s my turn.”

“No, your turn was last weekend, but you were out with God knows which slut you’re seeing these days and now, you’ll have to wait.”

“Fuck you, Cas.” He wasn’t seeing anyone. No one appealed to him, but he’d never tell Cas that. Let Cas continue to think the worse. It would make this easier. He snatched open the door and made sure it slammed loud enough to bother Mrs. Payton next door. Sure enough, she opened her apartment door and stared out at him. He childishly stuck out his tongue at her and stomped toward the elevator.

It was Friday afternoon and he had no plans. He took out his phone as he cleared the doorway. The hot San Francisco sun made him squint and he couldn’t see his screen. Using his hand to shield it, he pressed his thumb on Sam’s stupid mug. “Sammy.”

“Hello, Dean.”

“What are you doing tonight? I thought maybe we could go shoot some pool.” He waited through the disapproving silence on the phone.

The Impala sat where he’d left her. At least, she still loved him. Well, Lola did too, but Cas was being a dick.

“I’m busy tonight. Eileen’s got a thing.” It was always something. It’s been like this since he’d left Cas. Everyone treated him like a herpes outbreak. Even those that knew the truth.

Dean sighed loud enough for his brother to hear. “Sam, come on. Throw me a bone here.” He choked back laughter at his dog related euphemism.

“Dean, I need you to listen to me. This thing between you and Cas… look, you’ve got to tell him the truth. You can salvage this.”

“He couldn’t handle the truth,” he said in a lame Jack Nicholson impression.

“Do you have to make everything a fucking joke? Christ, Dean…” Dean could almost see him tugging at his long hair in frustration.

“So, no pool, huh?” Dean said softly.

“No, Dean.”

“Fine. See you later, man.” Dean hung up and got into the car. He rubbed his hand over the wheel lovingly. “Guess it’s just you and me, old girl.”

He pulled out in traffic and without giving thought to where he was going, he pulled into a shady spot by the Best Friends Doggie Daycare. He could hear the yapping of dogs through his open window. With Cas working all day and Dean out of the picture, Lola spent her days here. A couple of weeks back, he’d gone inside and asked for his dog. They refused to let him have her. It broke his heart. He hadn’t seen her in three weeks. Last weekend, he worked overtime to catch some scumbag who’d beat a homeless man to death. He was a cop. It was his job. That’s why he missed his weekend with his… their… bullmastiff.

Lola had been a gift from Dean to Cas for their first anniversary. She kept Cas company when Dean was out at night working a case. It was only right that Cas got to keep her when Dean moved out. He missed her though. He missed her wrinkled face staring at him from the end of the bed. He even missed her drool.

He had no idea how long he sat there, but he knew he was screwed when Cas pulled into the lot. He’d seen Dean. How could he miss the Impala. He stomped over to the car and Dean waited for the fireworks. “Dean, please… go home.” Home. That was a laugh. He was living in a friend’s RV on the back of his property. It wasn’t big enough to even turn around in, but he didn’t have the energy to find a new place. Cas had wanted them to find a house. One with a fenced in yard for Lola.

“Can I just see her for a minute?” Cas was shaking his head before Dean had gotten the sentence completely out of his mouth. “A second? Come on, Cas. I miss her.”

“One minute,” Cas relented and turned to leave. Dean got out of the car to wait. Cas came out about five minutes later with Lola on her leash. She saw him and began to dance around Cas, but his firm command made her calm instantly.

Dean knelt down and waited for her to get to him and then he wrapped her in his arms. “Hey, girl… you being good for your pops? Next time I see you, we’ll go to the big pet store over on Sixteenth. Would you like that?” He breathed in her dog breath and hugged until she squirmed.

“We need to go, Dean. I have plans for the evening.”

“Plans? What plans?” Dean stood up, his hand still on Lola’s huge head.

“You lost the right to ask me those things when you…” Cas stopped. “Lola, let’s go.” The dog obediently turned to follow Cas, all the while looking back at Dean. She loaded up easily into the back seat of Cas’ Jeep Wrangler. She stuck her big head out of the window and gave a deep woof. He wanted to cry.

They drove away and Dean got back into the Impala. He let out a long exhale and put the car in drive. He wound up at Gabe’s place. The small eatery catered to the kind of crowd Dean used to hate until he met Cas. The artsy people. The kind that read poetry or painted pictures in the park. Not like the bars he’d frequented with his buddies.

He stepped through the doors and found a table by the window. “You aren’t welcome here,” his brother-in-law growled from behind him.

“Gabe, man, give me a break. I’ve had a crap day.” Hell, he’d had a crap month. Six months and twelve days to be exact. Ever since Cas had told him to leave.

“Do you see concern in these eyes?”

“How’s Cas?”

Gabe looked around to make sure none of his customers were listening and then he leaned in. “How do you think he is, asshole. You broke his heart. And if that wasn’t enough, you show up every so often to stomp on it some more.” At Dean’s wide eyed expression, he smirked. “Yeah, my brother tells me about the booty calls. You breeze into his life and act all sad and he lets you in.” It wasn’t like that. When he had a suck-ass case, he needed Cas to make it alright.

“It’s a two way street, Gabe,” Dean muttered, thinking of the innocent lunch he’d had with Cas just hours before. He’d called because the murder suspect was the man’s fucking son. How fucked up was that? Before they’d even finished their meal, Cas touched his arm in a gesture of sympathy and somehow, someway, they wound up almost fucking in the foyer of the apartment they once shared.

“Because he still loves you, dickhead.” Dean didn’t want to think about that. Cas needed to move on. Find a nice guy and… and… Dean stopped the thought before he started bawling in front of Gabe.

“Didn’t stop him from filing the papers.” Dean knew he was being a jerk, but he’d been beyond hurt when he was served the divorce forms at work. At work of all places. The whole fucking bullpen knew Cas wanted out now.

“You cheated on him. What did you expect? For him to fucking roll over and take it. Fuck you, Winchester. Now, get out of my place and don’t ever come back.” For a small guy, Gabe could be scary, and honestly, the last thing Dean wanted was a scene. He stood and gave Gabe a salute before leaving.

Could his day get any worse?

The RV was a mess. Dean had always been a neat freak, but lately, he didn’t care anymore. Laundry was strewn everywhere and dirty dishes were piled in the tiny sink. He looked around and then grabbed a trash bag. He filled it with all the empty beer bottles he’d been too lazy to throw away. The pizza boxes and takeout containers followed. Afterward, he looked around the cramped camper and thought it looked a little better. He’d have to lug his dirty clothes to the laundromat, but that would have to wait.

He stripped off his clothes and crawled onto the full size bed at one end of the RV. It was uncomfortable and smelled of mildew. Locking his fingers behind his head, he stared at the water-stained ceiling. He deserved this.

The woman at the gym was pretty and Dean always was a flirt. This time he picked the wrong person to flirt with. She all but stalked him. Every time he went to work out, she was there. He finally lifted his left hand and pointed to his wedding ring. It didn’t seem to make a difference. She was hot and good for his ego, but it was becoming a problem. She started hugging him hello and goodbye. He didn’t want to be a douche, so he allowed it. He’d even allowed her to put her number in his phone. He’d forgotten to delete it.

On one of their rare days off together, Cas was taking care of the laundry, while Dean took on the disgusting task of cleaning out the fridge. He should have known something was up by the tone of Cas’ voice. He’d asked calmly and coolly why Dean’s clothes smelled of ‘cheap perfume’. Dean had shrugged and checked the expiration date on a bottle of salad dressing. Then he’d tossed Dean a t-shirt. ‘Then perhaps you can explain the lipstick stain.’

‘What the hell, Cas?’ In hindsight, he should have taken Cas seriously. He’d made a crude joke and Cas had gone off. Dean turned the argument around saying Cas didn’t trust him and it went downhill from there. Dean had stomped out and gone to Sam’s to sleep on their couch.

He’d had plenty of time to come clean, but he was pissed that Cas didn’t trust him. As a cop he should have known that evidence didn’t lie and it was his job to prove to Cas what really happened. He was stubborn though. It was his pig-headedness that lost Cas.

He wasn’t going to sleep, so he got out of bed and walked the three feet that got him into the kitchen area. The papers were on the banquet table. He unfolded them and read the first like. The dissolution of marriage.

His eye ticked, a sure sign he was stressed. Who wouldn’t be? Sam said to fix it, but how? Cas didn’t trust him. It was time he started thinking like the good detective he was. He needed an iron-clad alibi. Picking up his phone, he scrolled through his contact list. What was her name? Tammy... no, Tina. It was time to interview the witness.

She was happy to meet him for a drink. She came into the bar with a skankie dress on and fuck-me pumps. Dean wasn’t impressed. At one time, he would have taken her home for a play date, but now, his marriage was on the line. Dean Winchester was taking his life back.

She sat down and crossed her legs. “It’s been a while. I thought you’d forgotten about me.”

“Yeah, well, you’re memorable,” Dean said sarcastically. She didn’t catch it. She laughed and swatted his arm playfully. “Look, I need your help with something.” And being the good detective he was, he played good cop. Bad cop would come later.

She settled into the seat next to him and he pulled his baby onto the highway. “Can we roll up the windows?” Her hair was blowing around her face and she was trying to hold it in place.

“We’ll roast. My baby doesn’t have air conditioning.” He turned onto his street… Cas’ street… no, their street, Goddamn it.

She whined all the way to the apartment complex. He placed his hand on the small of her back to show her he cared, even though he didn’t. In the elevator, she leaned in and he side-stepped. “Almost there,” he muttered.

At the door, he knocked. “Why are you knocking? Ain’t this your place?”

“Kind of,” he said truthfully. It was eleven o’clock on a Friday night. Cas better be home. He pounded again and heard Lola’s deep bark.

“Is that a dog?”


“Tina,” she corrected. Dean ignored her. He raised his fist to knock again, but the door was snatched open by a disgruntled Cas, complete with bedhead. He was holding Lola’s collar. Dean thought he was gorgeous. Cas’ eyes were cold and hard as he went from Dean to the woman beside him. Tina had enough smarts to back up a few steps.

“Cas, this is the owner of the perfume and lipstick.”

Dean watched the blood drain from Cas’ face. “I can’t believe you...” From Cas’ standpoint, this wasn’t Dean’s best idea.

“It’s not... Fuck, Cas, listen to me. To her.” He turned to Tina. “Tell my husband that we never slept together.”

“Huh?” She stared at Dean in confusion. Did she have a brain cell in that head of hers?

“Because of your flirting and hugging and shit, my husband thinks I cheated on him. I need you to clarify that to him. I can’t lose him because you couldn’t understand the significance of a wedding ring.”

She simple stood there like a damn knot on a log. Dean rolled his eyes. Did he have to write it in crayon? “Can you please tell him that I never...” He stopped. This wasn’t happening. He was going to lose Cas. “You know what. Never mind. He wouldn’t believe you anyway.” He didn’t look at the doorway where his whole life stood. “Let’s go.”

He started toward the elevator and heard her behind him. “I hate dogs,” she said from behind him and he rounded on her.

“I don’t care. I love my husband. I was trying to be nice at the gym, but guess what, nice guys finish last. You bitched about my car. You hate dogs. You don’t even get what this means,” he shouted, holding up his ring finger. “Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Nothing. Zip. Nada. No one will ever take the place of Cas. He’s my life.” Dean ran out of steam as he realized several doors in the hall were open. Neighbors, including Mrs. Payton, were all staring at them. His eyes met Cas’ and couldn’t look away.

His husband opened the door wider. “Lola, go get your daddy.” The huge dog bounded out of the apartment. Beside him, Tina screamed and hid behind him as a hundred and thirty pounds of solid muscle bared down on them.

Dean took the weight of his dog and pulled her into a hug. He buried his face into the rolls of skin on his neck and inhaled the scent of his girl. Over her large shoulder, he looked back at Cas. The anger and hurt that had lived in his eyes over the last six months was gone.

“You gonna take me back to my car, or what?”

“Dean, give her some money for a cab,” Cas called out. Dean didn’t have to be told twice. He let go of Lola and reached for his wallet. He passed her a twenty and she snatched it out of his hands.

“I’m glad I never slept with you. You’re fucking crazy,” she said nastily and turned on her crazy high heels and headed for the elevator. Dean looked at his neighbors sheepishly.

“Nothing to see here, folks. Go back to bed. Sorry for the disturbance.” All but Mrs. Payton closed their doors. She stood there in her faded bathrobe, her hair in some sort of kerchief, a look of disapproval on her face.

“Young man, you get in there and take care of your husband. Such nonsense... marriage is hard work and trust,” she said looking angrily at Cas. “Both of you need an ass whipping. In my day...”

“Thank you, Mrs. Payton,” Cas interrupted her tangent. “Dean and I will be fine now.”

She sniffed and shut her door. Dean took a tentative step forward. “That true, Cas. Will we be fine?”

“You’re my life too, Dean. I should have trusted you.”

“And I should have put a stop to her constant flirting... and explained what happened instead of making jokes.” Cas nodded sagely and held out his hand. Dean took it and together they entered their apartment. Home.

Lola lumbered to her bed in the corner of her room and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to see what her two daddies were doing. She just knew those two men were her life and all was right with her world.