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I Only Serve Thanos, or, The Captain, the Fox, and the Sun

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Jane Grant Soleilvie, of number four Privet Drive, was not proud to say that she was perfectly bored, thank you very much. She was the last person you'd expect to be filled with such weariness, because, after all, she controlled the sun . If she really wanted to, she could burn us all to a crisp, especially the pale ones.


Her life had once comprised of sunshine, a hot prince, and happiness. But everything changed when Thanos attacked.


Her cave was not particularly interesting. Half of the dust that coated the cave’s walls were from the previous dwellers that were slain at the hands of Thanos. Sometimes, she really wanted to join them. Disintegration was the dream.


The rain violently fell on Jane’s cave. She used to love the sound of rain, peaceful and calming. But now it came as a reminder of her mistakes. Truthfully, Jane lived alone because of a dark twist in her past. The raging storm tossed her into a sea of memories.


Prince LeBron and Jane were innocently playing outside in the rain. The storm was harsh, but they loved how the rain felt. And she loved him. LeBron was a rather attractive Canadian prince that she was, to be frank, attracted to. He could have gotten a hole in one any day if he tried (that’s what she said).


They were playing their favorite game: throwing fireballs at each other. Jane and LeBron played this game each day it rained in their city, laughing as the fire they created mixed with the water. She moved her hands around, relishing the warmth of her hands, and pushed the fire outward towards LeBron, teasing him to fight back with his own fire.


It was the hour before the solar eclipse, when the sun shone so hellishly down upon mere humans but filled her with the sun’s energy, sending her into the Sun God state.


When Jane looked up, the fire was already nearing LeBron’s face, and he was turning around too late. She opened her mouth to shout, but in vain. She had lost control of her powers — Jane the Sun God could never control herself in this powerful state. The screams penetrated the air as the smell of burning flesh invaded her nostrils. His cries would haunt her for the rest of her miserable, cave-dwelling life, especially when a storm was raging.


She was brought in front of the king, furious that Jane couldn’t control her powers. Iroh nically, Jane was also quite attracted to the king, Prince LeBron’s father, so it really wouldn’t have worked out between them. #ripped


Quite creeped out by her attraction to him, the king banished Jane the Sun God to live in a cave and never see the sun again.


As for Prince LeBron, he was scarred, figuratively and literally, in the shape of a maple leaf. He lost his eye, his love, and his honor. He could never walk out of the palace ever again without dishonoring his #ripped dad.

That wasn’t all that happened to poor Prince LeBron. Jane could still remember the feeling of his ashes on her knuckles as her tears fell to mix with her blood.

The battle with Thanos had ended. They had lost. The Sun God had attempted to save the Earth and reclaim her honor by leaving her cave and defeating Thanos. Prince LeBron had also left the palace for once, along with his hot/#ripped dad. However, she failed. They all failed. Thanos had snapped his fingers and slowly, one by one, the people around her had begun to disappear.


Then she heard Prince LeBron’s voice. “Ms. Sun God? I don’t feel so good.”


“You’re alright,” she said, but she knew what this meant. This would be the end of them, the end of LeBron.


“I don’t — I don’t know what’s happening, please.” His knees buckled, his body falling on top of her. She barely caught him, but her injuries brought both of them down. “I don’t want to go,” LeBron whispered like a mantra. Their eyes met, hers, stinging with tears; his, with inconceivable pain and fear.


“I’m sorry,” he said, and he drifted away as she screamed. His ashes tasted like maple syrup.


Years have passed since that day. Over time, the guilt and anguish had numbed, suppressed under the routine of everyday life. The sound of drizzling rain, however, never failed to trigger her mind. As she heard the constant sprinklings outside, she became tear-ridden once again. Slowly, like a true Gen Z kid, she felt the burning desire for the sweet release of death all over again.


Also like a true Generation Z spawn, Jane secretly embraced her inner identity. Her passion, her lifestyle, her religion — all was centered around her closet fursona.


Although she fervently welcomed her identity in private, she had yet to voice her true colors and sexuality out loud. Which was all well and good; in fact, she did obtain some relatively normal sexual passions, such as (but not limited to) certain nation-themed Avengers, that kept the suspicion of her fellow gods off of her.


The days alone in the dark cave began to harden her heart, leading her to make peace with her fate in her lonely lair. Jane was just beginning to accept her life alone — half the universe still quaking in the aftermath of Thanos’s victory — when she heard a faint chittering in the distance. Weirdly enough, the sound churned her butter.


She crept closer and closer to the source of the sound. She knew what it was, and she moved with anticipation. After years of solitude in her cave, she had become an expert on her favorite creature and recognized the sound as the call of the magical fox. At the same time, Jane was careful not to get her hopes up: the fox may not want to be acquainted with a failure of a warrior, someone who could not defeat Thanos.


At the cave’s entrance stood what Jane considered to be the world’s most magnificent creature.


Jane watched with fascination behind the cave wall. The fox was, after all, the first other mammal she had seen since LeBron’s tragic demise. She was unsure of her capability of interaction now, having kept to herself since then. Jane observed the orange and white coat of fur, not daring to make a sound. The fox shook his body and water droplets fell to the floor as violently as the rain did to the world outside.


Suddenly, Jane didn’t want to be alone anymore. She could still hear LeBron’s plea of fear, and she sensed her own fear rear into her: her fear of wasting away in the cave, never to recover from her tragedy. And so, Jane came out of hiding, just as the fox swerved around.


Just as quickly as her conviction to face another being had come, the overwhelming nature of this potential interaction, the opportunity to study the fox just within reach, gave her sudden pause. Indecisive, she turned to run; however, she heard his voice ringing clear in the midst of the sound of rain against rock.


“Hey,” he called. “This cave free to hide in through the storm?”


Jane gasped at the sound of his voice. Grasping at what was left of her courage, she said, “Yeah. Make yourself at home.”


“Chilled legumes,” said Nick.


She smiled to herself, pleased to indulge in her furry fantasies. This was it, she thought. Now I can finally adopt the fursona of the majestic fox.


In an effort to make this interaction less awkward than it inevitably was, Nick attempted to create small talk. “So,” he began. “How long have you been in this cave?”


Jane turned her head, ashamed of her origins. “Oh, just about... six years,” she said, trying to be nonchalant. Instead, she ended up being totally chalant.


“Oh... that’s — that’s a pretty long time,” said Nick, scratching his snout awkwardly with his paw.


“Yep. It’s been pretty lonely here all by myself.” Jane tried in vain to minimize the bitterness in her voice.


“Too bad,” Nick said. He was no stranger to loneliness. “Why’s that?”


“No biggie,” Jane shrugged. “My boyfriend burned alive and I inhaled his ashes.” Great job, Jane , she chastised herself. Scare away the first living being you meet in six years by spilling your depressing backstory to him.


“What the f*ck. My first girlfriend turned into a hat.” She almost laughed at his self-deprecating smirk, lost in memories. Her new companion had the same dark sense of humor as she did — and the same honesty.


“That’s rough buddy.”


“Yeah. Yeah, sure is.”


The awkward silence stretched. Nick began talking to fill the void. “So,” he coughed. “I guess I’ll be here for a long time. At least until the storm passes.”


“That’s good,” Jane said. She was in tree ged by Nick, and not just by the fact that he was a fox . There was just something about him — something that made her want to know him better.


Slowly, the two made gentle conversation. Even more slowly, they became friends.