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[Audio Drama + Script] Metamours

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SCRIPT

HUGO'S WEDDING

SPEECH MAKER
To Betina and Hugo!

GUESTS
To Betina and Hugo!

General hubbub, the scraping of chairs, and band starting to play, lasting for a few seconds, with the noise fading leaving just music for a little bit.

Much quieter atmosphere, quiet non-live music, occasional distant sounds of scraping chairs and plates and cutlery being collected.

RON
(softly)
I reckon that went alright.

HERMIONE
(very close)
It did, didn't it?

RON
I just wish we could do this for Rosie too.

HERMIONE
Well she doesn't want us to! I can't say I blame her, even with eleven people cooking and seven setting up, a wedding is a frightful amount of work.

RON
Don't remind me, I can't feel my feet.

HERMIONE
Do you want to go sit down for a bit?

RON
Nah, this is nice. We didn't get to dance before.
Didn't they look happy though? I reckon it's worth it. I'd do it again if it's for my little girl.

HERMIONE
Honestly, Ron, they've been together for seven years. Do you really need a wedding to know they're happy?

RON
I know they're happy.
This has such an air of finality to it, doesn’t it? Rose slipped away from us little by little, and now Hugo’s gone.

HERMIONE
Ronald Weasley! Are you having empty nest syndrome? We haven’t had either of them living with us for years now!

RON
Still.

Raucous laughter.

HERMIONE
Oh, Viktor's drunk.

RON
Oh?

More laughter.

HERMIONE
Oh, no. Percy doesn't look too happy with him.

RON
(snorts)
Not happy? He looks like he's about to burst. And here I thought I'd missed his annual joke.

HERMIONE
Take Viktor home, will you? I just have to sort through all the dishes so everyone gets their own back, and I think we have a few more guests who need to be apparated home.

RON
Don’t take too long, ‘Mione. Mum and Fleur and Bill will finish sorting this out. Our son got married today. Come home.

HERMIONE
You don’t mind that I invited Viktor to stay, do you? Would you rather it was just the two of us?

RON
It’s been twenty years, love. He’s been there for so many milestones. He’s earned the right to be here.

HERMIONE
It's not his son who got married today.

RON
He's family. He's your family, and you're my family, so he's family.

HERMIONE
(pleased)
Oh, Ron!

RON
Oof!

Light kissing sound.

A few moments of just music.

PERCY
(yelling in the distance)
How dare you? You- you deviant! I won't stand for this!

RON
Uh oh.
(rushed whisper)
Love you 'Mione.

Kiss sound.

Running footsteps on earth.

VIKTOR
Ronald!

BILL
Oh, thank God!

RON
(low)
Come on mate, let's take you home.
(raising voice)
Thanks, Bill! Good night!

A pop of apparition. Stumbling as Ron sets Viktor on a chair.

RON
Sit. I'll get you some water, and then coffee.

Cupboard door opening.

VIKTOR
(a little far away)
You will put something interesting in the coffee, yes?

Running water.

RON
You've had enough to drink. Time to sober up.

VIKTOR
I sober up quickly, I eat only little bit. Drunk quick, sober quick. Metabolism!
(drinks, puts down glass)
Thank you.

RON
(amused)
If you're trying to get your seeker's build back, I think it might be too late for that.

VIKTOR
No, no. Is good for me being Auror. Now is good to be big.

RON
Should have had more food, then. It was excellent.

VIKTOR
I was busy. You have very attractive family.

RON
Is that why Percy was so angry with you? You tried to flirt with him?

VIKTOR
(laughs)
Ronald Weasley, you know me how many years? I do not know how to flirt.

Heavy drawer opening.

RON
(wryly)
Worked fine on Hermione.

Drawer closing.

VIKTOR
(smiling)
Ah, but not work on you.

Clang of dropped kettle.

RON
(shocked)
Sorry?

VIKTOR
(embarrassed)
Never mind. Not important.

RON
I- Er-

Heartbeats.

RON
Viktor, did you- Do you-

VIKTOR
It was long time ago, Ronald. Not important now.

RON
Yeah, but-

VIKTOR
Look, you are funny bloke. I like funny. I like handsome, too.

RON
(preens)
Thank you.

VIKTOR
But you never liked me.

RON
No-

VIKTOR
No, I understand. You love Hermione. You were afraid.

RON
(deflates)
Yeah, I was. But that was then.

VIKTOR
I know. Now you are not afraid anymore. So many years, and she still not leave you, so you know.

RON
Yeah. Fancy that.

Running water, tap on metal, burst of steam. Kettle and mugs being put down, coffee being poured.

RON
You did give me a fright when you moved to England, mind.

VIKTOR
Ah, I see. You thought I was moving in.

RON
(joking)
Never mind that, I thought I was moving out!

VIKTOR
Never. Long time ago, I was jealous. I was angry because all the good looking girls were taken. Now, I don't worry. Woman can have husband and it is okay, if husband agrees. And I don't need to be husband. Being husband is a lot of work.

RON
(rhetorical)
You're telling me?

VIKTOR
(smiles)
No, you tell me many times. Maybe you just say this to make me not want to be Hermione's husband.

RON
You can, you know.

VIKTOR
Marry your wife?

RON
Move in.

VIKTOR
I just said, I don't want to be husband. I come, take Hermione on nice date, go home. Come for holiday, go home. Come take you on nice date too, if you want.

RON
Wow. Okay.

VIKTOR
Okay, yes? You want?

RON
Do you want to talk in the morning, maybe? When you're sober and don't sound like you're seventeen again and can't speak English?

VIKTOR
(smirks)
If you need me to convince, we can do after date right now.

RON
(spits out coffee)
Did you just-

Apparition pop.

HERMIONE
(a little way away)
Oh, good, you made coffee.

Thump of bags being put down, cupboard door opening, coffee being poured (last one closer than the first two).

RON
(bitterly, quietly)
Blimey, Hermione, that's some timing you've got there.

HERMIONE
(close)
Hello, Ronald.

Kiss sound.

HERMIONE
What did I miss?

VIKTOR
I was asking Ronald to bed with me.

RON
Oh good, I didn't hallucinate that then. Thought I'd gone mental.

HERMIONE
Wait, what?

VIKTOR
Your husband is a handsome man, Hermione.

HERMIONE
(weakly)
I didn't know you were interested in men.

VIKTOR
(laughs)
Of course you didn't. When I'm with you, I don't look at any person, man or woman, just you.

HERMIONE
(giggles)
Except you were looking at Ron, apparently?

VIKTOR
(lightly)
You leave me alone, then I look at everybody. You leave me with your husband, I look at your husband.
(grins)
It's not polite not to look when person is talking to you.

RON
Blimey, who knew Viktor Krum had a sense of humor. And all it takes is an open bar.

HERMIONE
Really, Ron? You're not bothered by this?

RON
Don't tell me you thought I don't fancy blokes.

HERMIONE
(uncomfortably)
Well, no, but I thought you did.

RON
What the hell, Hermione? Why do you always have to assume I'm dense?

HERMIONE
Well, you never said.

RON
(kicks chair back)
You teased me about it. You teased me about Viktor! Just because I don't tell you about every person I find attractive doesn't mean I don't know who they are.

HERMIONE
You can be a little oblivious sometimes.

RON
Oh, because you're so perceptive. Which is ridiculous, because you are, when you want to be! You just don't notice things you'd rather not know.

VIKTOR
Ouch.

HERMIONE
Don't you start too, Viktor. You didn't think to tell me you had designs on my husband?

RON
What, are you the only one who's allowed to see other people now?

HERMIONE
No!
(in a small voice)
But he's my boyfriend.

RON
(smiling)
What, are you going to tell me to get my own?

HERMIONE
(amused)
Ron.
(she sighs)
It's just that I like the way we are, Viktor and I.

RON
Now you're just being daft, 'Mione. Just because Viktor and I might go out together doesn't mean I'm going to tag along on all your dates.

HERMIONE
Oh.

RON
We can spend time together all three of us like we always did, but dates are dates.

VIKTOR
(sleepy)
Three people can go on date together.

HERMIONE
(kindly)
Is that what you want, Viktor?

RON
Frankly, it's not what I want. Can you imagine? Viktor wouldn't know if he should pull out my chair for me or fight me for the honor of pulling out yours.

HERMIONE
(snorts)
He's not that bad.

RON
He absolutely is and you know it.

HERMIONE
Fine, you're right. But I like it.

RON
(fondly)
I know.
And I'm glad there's one daft sod out in the world willing to do that for you because if you had to wait for me you'd be stuck standing in some restaurant for all eternity.

HERMIONE
Okay, fine. Whatever you do with Viktor is none of my business.

RON
I'm not even doing anything yet. He could change his mind by morning, he's drunk.

HERMIONE
We really should put him to bed, he's half asleep already. I'll go make up the sofa in the guest room.

RON
Wait, come here a moment.
(quietly)
Don’t you think that tonight might not be the time to leave him to sleep alone?

HERMIONE
(incredulous, a little upset)
You want me to go sleep in the guest room with him?

RON
No, I think he should sleep in the bedroom with us.

HERMIONE
(suspicious)
I thought you said you weren't doing anything yet.

RON
Oh, who cares about that? We're not, but that's not the point.

HERMIONE
Then what is the point?

RON
I said he’s family, didn’t I? Our son got married tonight. I can’t imagine sleeping apart from you tonight, so why should Viktor?

HERMIONE
Oh.
I didn’t know you felt that way.

RON
Yeah, well.

HERMIONE
You’re right, it’s a good idea. I’ll just make up the sofa anyway, since we have guests coming tomorrow.

RON
Why? It's just brunch. No one is staying over, are they?

HERMIONE
No, but Viktor will still be here. I don’t want them getting the wrong idea.

RON
You mean the right idea.

HERMIONE
Ron…

RON
We could just tell them.

HERMIONE
No, we really couldn’t.

RON
Why the hell not? It’s just the kids and Harry and Ginny.

HERMIONE
Because it's private!

RON
The hell it is! It's not some torrid affair you're having, it's a stable relationship. Viktor is always around for the holidays anyway, that's not private, is it? Why can't they know why?

HERMIONE
Easy for you to say! You're not the one who would be seen as the villain. I'm the one who's seeing someone else. I just don't want my children to be disappointed in me.

RON
Why would they be? We don't love each other any less just because you also love Viktor.

HERMIONE
I know that, but...

RON
You're not doing anything bad, Hermione. We're not doing anything bad.

HERMIONE
Of course not, but not everyone is going to agree.

VIKTOR
I have never known Harry Potter to turn his back on a friend because of something not important like this.

HERMIONE
Viktor! I thought you were asleep.

VIKTOR
I was. You are very loud.

HERMIONE
Do you really think we could tell Harry? The children?

VIKTOR
You raised your children. Did you raise them to hate what is different?

HERMIONE
No, but…

RON
Honestly, if Rosie was any more open minded her brain would fall out.

VIKTOR
Also, they are not blind.

HERMIONE
(horrified)
You think they noticed? Did they say something?

RON
Listen, it doesn’t matter. Either way, we'll face it together. And if they have a problem, you can always set some birds on them. I hear that’s a good way to make someone come around to your way of thinking.

HERMIONE
(protesting)
Ron! That was one time, decades ago!

RON
(quietly, to the side)
It was twice.

HERMIONE
Oh, your mother will have kittens!

RON
Yeah, we're not telling her until we have Ginny on board.

HERMIONE
Okay, okay. Tomorrow, then.

VIKTOR
Tomorrow.

HERMIONE
Oh God, what was I thinking. All these years, and it's "Mummy's friend". I'm sorry, Viktor.

VIKTOR
You were afraid.

HERMIONE
Of course I was! I still am. But I've never thought of myself as a woman who lets fear stop her. So I'm sorry. I love you.

A murmur. A few moments of quiet.

RON
Alright, that's enough. You can hug in bed, I want to sleep.

VIKTOR
Thank you, Ronald. For sharing your special night with me. For everything you shared with me.

RON
(embarrassed)
Er, yeah, sure, of course.

VIKTOR
Tomorrow we can have another special night. The afternoon together, and in the evening you and I go out.

RON
Oh, um. I mean, if brunch goes okay.

HERMIONE
Oh, it'll be alright. Probably.

RON
Alright, if all goes well, we can go for drinks tomorrow night.

VIKTOR
Good.
(pause for long, meaningful look)
I look forward to it.

RON
Yeah. Yeah, me too.

THE END