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introspective

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Yosuke Hanamura’s brain liked to think at twice the speed necessary. It often felt like below his actual thought process was an undercurrent of random ideas or images running simultaneously, though this secondary process was found to be utterly unhelpful and frankly useless.

Naturally, when you brain is speeding forward at such a rapid pace, you tend to talk a lot.

Like, a lot .

It’d been pretty constant all his life for him to be a talker. It’s been equally as constant for people to shut him down mid conversation or simply tune him out, annoyed with his fast words and random topic jumping.

He couldn’t honestly help it sometimes. He just… thought about things. And he really wanted to share those thoughts because they felt important to him, at least they did at the time. And every thought lead to another thought, which lead to another, and-

Well. It led to his friends telling him to shut up.

He acted like it didn’t hurt, but well, he’d become a pretty good actor. The rush of fear and panic when he was told that people didn’t care what he was saying, that he needed to just shut up?

That never went away.

‘God, they hate me. I’ve fucked up, I messed up too much, too many times, no one wants me around, just stop-’

Yeah. Didn’t go away.

 


 

He didn’t quite know how to explain to people why he didn’t ‘put forth effort’ in school. The constant barrage of claims he was just lazy felt wrong, but he didn’t know how to correct the people who called them that. He didn’t know why he didn’t apply himself, just that he honestly couldn’t .

Maybe it was just all the other things he could be doing with his time, weighing on his brain every time he even so much looked at his textbooks.

Maybe it was his sudden thought process mid-sentence in his essay that had nothing to do about the author they were studying.

Maybe it was the crushing feeling every time he sat in front of his work and found himself unable to even pick up a pencil, an invisible wall blocking him and making him clench his teeth in frustration.

He stopped applying himself a long time ago. It felt better to make the conscious decision to fail than to try so hard only to still fuck it up.

 


 

 

Yosuke liked Yu.

Like, a lot. A lot , a lot.

Maybe it was because he seemed to believe Yosuke the time he confided in him that he tried to do well in school but just couldn’t do it, or even the fact he didn’t treat him like an idiot because of that.

But Yosuke was pretty certain it was because he could rant for hours on end, and Yu would listen to every single word.

He’s just… he’s never had that before. Never had someone to just listen to him, to interject their thoughts and reply but otherwise completely indulge Yosuke in his ramblings.  

And Yu liked talking to him. He smiled at him softly the entire time, nodded along, and even laughed (‘beautifully, oh god his laugh was amazing, beautiful, stupendous, gorge- ‘) at stupid comments Yosuke made. He told Yosuke since he was quiet and had trouble filling silence that it was refreshing for Yosuke to have no issues carrying the conversation.

Yosuke is pretty sure he had never liked someone as much as he liked Yu right then.

 


 

Yu is very good at studying.

Yosuke... well.

Yosuke is very much not.

On occasion, they will attempt to study together, a way to spend time together while still getting done the necessary work. And on every single occasion, Yosuke will get distracted.

Yu had been immensely frustrated with him about it the first time. He’d gotten the tone of his that showed displeasure but stayed completely pleasant, the one Yosuke really hated to hear directed at him, and commented that Yosuke being so distracted was also making it hard for Yu to study.

And Yu had watched Yosuke freeze up, watched a panic fill slowly trickle into his eyes, watched him attempt to stutter out reasoning or explanation but getting stuck on his words and only letting out a burst of nearly nonsensical apologies.

Yu didn’t reprimand him for getting distracted after that. He decided to help him focus instead, working together closely as opposed to on their separate work so as to keep Yosuke on task. 

Yosuke’s grades improved immensely, and Yu didn’t have to suffer through watching that horrible panic fill his eyes again.

 


 

People assumed quite often that Yosuke would be a bad worker due to his ‘lazy’ nature.

And those people were 100% wrong. The only reason he wasn’t employee of the month all year round is because people would bitch about favoritism because he dad ran the store.

He had perfect keigo. He did anything he was asked by his superiors. He even helped any customer regardless of how annoying they might be.

He was a model worker, and dammit he was proud of it!

Even if his grades were doomed, at least he had a future in retail.

 


 

So… maybe Yosuke didn’t like girls.

It seemed odd now, to think that all these years had been lie after lie to both himself and others. That all the girlfriend hunting and ridiculous flirting was meaningless. But he honestly just couldn’t think of another explanation.

Why did the idea of girls sound so appealing when in execution, he had no interest in them individually?

He’d never really had friends that were girls, had always stuck to hanging out with guys in the past. But now that he was befriending multiple girls, actually talked and hung out with them he just. He stopped wanting to date them.

Every girl he befriended suddenly seemed un-dateable, as if knowing them past acquaintances killed any and all interest in them. If it had only been some girls he’d chalk it up to just not liking that girl.

But he stopped wanting to date Risette. How was that even possible ?

It took a while, a lot of sorting in his head and digging through shit he didn’t wanna talk about, to figure out that maybe he just liked the idea of romance and sex in general. Doing those things with a girl wasn’t the appealing part, it was just the acts themselves that he wanted.

Which… brought him to the next revelation.

Yosuke liked boys. Probably.

He knew he liked a boy (god, did he like a boy, a kind hot smart boy with stupid fucking hair and-). Whether that carried over to all boys kinda remained to be seen. But slowly over time, he realized the idea of being with guys didn’t seem all that weird. In fact, it sort of… did more for him than thinking about girls ever did.

That was a weird night. A physically satisfying night, but a very weird night.

He thought about denying it. Thought about hiding it in the background and just not acting on it his entire life.

But then gold eyes flashed in his mind and he figured that maybe wasn’t such a good idea.