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D is for Deadpool

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Wade Wilson here. You may know me as Deadpool. You may know me as the Merc with a Mouth. You may know me as one crazy fucker. That’s me.

But you don’t know that I’m an Avengers fanboy. Well, maybe not a fan. I’m a little old to be a boy. And I’d probably scare the fuck out of Tony Stark, but have you seen that pretty hundred year old freak they call Cap?

They give him mutant juice and he gets that face? Have you seen mine? Just as well, I guess.

Another thing you don’t know is I can cross over to the other Marvel universe. Watch!

[Wade steps out of the frame and into Wakanda.] See? Ooops! I don’t want to cross over that far yet. No dust wafers for this merc! Vanessa doesn’t mind waiting a little longer for dead Deadpool.

[Wade steps back into his own world then pops across again, on the deck of a helicarrier.] Ahh, this is better. There he comes. Oooh, he’s so pretty!

“Excuse me, Cap, but I’m Wade Wilson.”

“I know who you are. Logan warned us that you’re a pain in the ass.”

“I hate Wolverine! Will you sign my -” I forgot my autograph book – as if! “Sign my ass, Cap! To Wade, who fucks like a racehorse!

He’s giving me that look – you know the one with the little crease between his eyebrows.

“Ah, what the hell!” Cap says and takes my Sharpie! (What kind of fanboy would I be without a Sharpie?)

I turn my fine red ass up to him and, oooh, it tickles. When he’s done, I try to see it but sort of end up chasing my tail around and around. You thought I was smarter than that? Ha! The joke’s on you.

“Thank you, Cap.” I am leaving when I remember why I came here. “Oh, a question. When I got my mutant juice, it made me ugly and well, here’s the thing – I am ugly everywhere. Even my dick is hideous but dammit, it can go and go and go. You were tiny and puny and you got big, really big. Did your-

He never even lets me finish the question before he drops his pants…

Let me tell you something. When you write those crossovers, don’t you pair me with that little spider shit! Give me Cap! You should see his ---

Damn! My time is up. I have to go. Dopinder is here! And on a helicarrier, too! Isn’t Marvel amazing?

See ya later, suckers! [Gets in the yellow taxi and is gone.]