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Hold me tight

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Eyes wide open, Shen Wei fiddles with his fingers, ripping away the over grown nails as a nervous habit.

The sheets underneath him stick to his skin uncomfortably, and his skin feels damp because of sweat. This is rare, because his skin is usually on the dry and cold side, because he is from Dixing. But the cold sweat caused by his nightmares do not care.

Shen Wei turns to look to his right, carefully turning in bed.

Yun Lan is sleeping calmly, hugging a pillow tightly and breathing steadily. Sometimes, when unable to sleep Shen Wei would spend just hours, looking at the other sleep just to calm himself down. As he did not have the heart to wake him up, during his darkest hours.

Shen Wei turns back around, to the other side of the bed and lifts himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. He sighs.

Peeking a look towards the clock on the table next to him, Shen Wei can see that it is very much still night, and he should be sleeping. But he is unable to.

He gets up, walking to Yun Lan's small kitchen in just his boxers. He takes a glass from the cabinet, and tip toes to the fridge and takes out a bottle of cold water. He pours his glass full, almost pouring water onto the table as he wasn't focusing.

Drinking his water, Shen Wei leans against the kitchen counter, looking outside the small window. The night is calm and cooling, but Shen Wei only feels the nauseating feeling inside himself and the dark thoughts running wild in his mind.

Staring into the nothingness, Shen Wei holds onto the glass with full power, teeth grinding.

The noise of the bed springs squeaking quietly wakes him from his thoughts.

'Why are you awake at this hour?' Yun Lan murmurs with a slur, turning in the bed and throwing pillows away from his space. He lifts his head full of hair, which is very messed up because of his deep sleep and looks at Shen Wei. Worry quickly flashes across his face as he jumps up from the bed.

He almost trips over his own feet as he walks to the kitchen, taking the glass away from Shen Wei quickly. His knuckles had already turned white, as he was squeezing the glass so hard. Shen Wei doesn't need to be reminded of the time he broke a glass on a night like this once, and how Yun Lan was careful around him for weeks after the incident. But he soon got to find out why that had happened, and now knows how to predict such accidents.

'Did-did you have another dream..?' Yun Lan whispers, carefully placing the glass down further and moving his hand to take a hold of Shen Wei's instead. His heart hurt, as he felt Shen Wei freeze because of his touch.

He did not say anything, but Yun Lan could already guess. He had seen the other like this too many times, so he already understood. He knew what was going through Shen Wei's mind.

Yun Lan swallowed once, taking a step closer. Shen Wei stares down at their hands, which are holding onto each other. He squeezes tighter, just to make sure he is really there.

Yun Lan moves his other arm, wrapping it around Shen Wei's bare back. He feels how clammy his skin feels, even on such a cold night. He understands, and moves closer to hug Shen Wei tightly.

'It's alright.' Yun Lan whispers, still feeling how still Shen Wei is standing. 'I am not going anywhere.' He adds, comforting him.

It takes a while, as Shen Wei keeps fighting with himself inside his own mind. The good versus the bad. The current and his past coming together, in an attempt to make him go crazy through the nightmares. But that won't happen, because Yun Lan doesn't allow that to happen.

Shen Wei closes his eyes with a silent cry, his shoulders begin to shake and the hot tears escape, staining his cheeks.

It is painful to see, and Yun Lan closes his eyes, as he holds his lover.

The powerful Black Robed Envoy, the savior and the murderer. Just Shen Wei, who has been through so much during the last ten thousand years. Yun Lan sometimes has a hard time understanding it all, as it is a lot. Even Shen Wei himself cannot handle all of the things that he has had to do. In order to protect himself, Dixing, the earth and the people who he loves and cares for.

On rare moments, like during this night, everything that has gathered up inside of him just explodes.

Yun Lan doesn't see the Shen Wei that he first got to know. He doesn't see the seemingly cold, professional professor that he has to look like outside of their apartment. He doesn't see the happy man who is with him.

Yun Lan sees a hurt soul, a child that has been hidden inside Shen Wei for too long and not let out enough.

Shen Wei weeps with teary eyes, sobbing in Yun Lan's arms. And it's okay.

It will be okay, just like Yun Lan keeps telling him.

'You don't need to be strong all the time.' Yun Lan says, leaving soft kisses on the side of Shen Wei's cheek. 'No one can be.' And that is hard for Shen Wei to understand sometimes.

But he is learning, slowly.

He is learning that it's okay if he laughs with a cute snort sometimes when he forgets to be the Shen Wei that everyone expects him to be. It's okay if he gives in to his cravings and doesn't follow his routines. It's okay, for him to break down and cry.

And when he would, Yun Lan would be there like tonight. To hold him, to comfort him and just to be there for him.

Crawling back into bed, Shen Wei is able to fall back asleep. Thanks to the soft and comforting touches, and the feather like kisses against his skin.

No matter what Shen Wei has been through, he is still unsure if he deserves Yun Lan.

But he is so, so grateful that he is here. That he is his.