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I Don't Want To Lose You Again

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Barba shook his head, angry. He was in motion court, where Ana Kapic was claiming she had been raped by a terrorist she had been an accomplice of. Normally, Barba could argue that, but Olivia was agreeing with the defense. Now Barba had to deal with the repercussions.

Olivia left after she had concluded her testimony, and the judge ruled in Barba’s favor. Feeling happy, Barba headed back to the precinct, ready to give Olivia the good news.

Dodds stormed out of Oliva’s office as Barba approached. Looking at him, Barba then walked into Olivia’s office. Without a hello, Olivia snapped,

“Are you looking for a fight too?”

“And hello to you too.” Olivia rolled her eyes, and Barba said quietly, “I just came by to tell you that we won the motion.”

You won the motion.” Sitting down at her desk, Olivia looked up at Barba and said coldly, “Good for you.”

“Hey, it’s a good thing. Without rape as the defense, we can win this case!”

“It’s not a defense!” Olivia screamed, shooting from her chair. A few people looked over, and Barba closed the door, while Olivia continued to shout, “Ana Kapic was brutalized and raped, and she was under extreme duress! And if you can’t see that, Barba, then-”

“Don’t!” Barba spun around, startling Olivia. “Don’t say that I need to leave, don’t say that I’m nothing. You have been kidnapped, you have been taken from this division, and I don’t want to lose you again!” Olivia’s mouth fell open, and tears began to form in Barba’s eyes. Biting her lips, Olivia whispered,

“Get out.” Barba left instantly, ignoring the whispers. Carisi, Amanda, and Fin looked over, but Barba ignored them. Nothing mattered anymore.

That night, Barba didn’t go home. Instead, he went to his usual bar and downed an entire bottle of whiskey, letting the liquid sting his throat. Then, after a few more bottles, Barba stumbled home and climbed into bed, cold and sad, tears streaming down his face.

The next morning, Barba got to the office early. Closing the door behind him, Barba grabbed a small bottle of whiskey from his desk and drank the contents down, the pain no longer bothering him.

“Amanda was right, you really are spiraling,” said a voice. Barba looked up and saw Carisi standing in the door, annoyed. Barba snapped,

“Go away, Sonny.” Carisi shook his head.

“We’re all worried about you, Barba. Now, I don’t know what happened yesterday in Liv’s office, but something obviously happened, because you haven’t been returning our calls.”

“Why should that matter?” Barba laughed, his voice slipping. Carisi opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Barba tumbled to the floor, his eyes slamming shut.

When Barba woke up, he was in the hospital, tubes in his arms. Amanda and Carisi were at his bedside, but Olivia and Fin weren’t. Squinting, Barba asked,

“What happened?”

“You almost overdosed,” Amanda replied. “Maybe downing six bottles of whiskey in 24 hours isn’t a good idea.”

“How did you know?” Amanda laughed,

“You forget that we all frequent that bar. Besides, we care about you.” Barba nodded, then looked at Carisi.

“I’m guessing Liv’s still mad at me?” Carisi wordlessly nodded, and Barba fell back asleep.

Three days later, Barba was released from the hospital. Fin took Barba home, then sat down to read a book.

“You don’t have to stay,” Barba muttered, tossing the liquor he had left into the trash. Looking up, Fin replied,

“Liv asked me to, so here I am.” A small smile appeared on Barba’s face. So Olivia did care.

The next morning, a newspaper came out, saying Ana’s rapist had been arrested, and Ana was acquitted of all charges. Normally, Barba would have been angry, but now all he wanted to do was apologize to Olivia for everything he had said.

“Glad to see you’re alive,” Olivia said when Barba stepped into her office. Closing the door behind him, Barba said, looking at the floor,

“I owe you an apology.”

“For what? Confirming what I’ve known and hoped for a while?” Barba cocked his head to the side, then gasped when Olivia walked over and kissed him.

“You were right,” Barba whispered when Olivia pulled away. “I do love you, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Olivia replied. She and Barba kissed again, not caring Amanda, Carisi, and Fin were outside watching.