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This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things.

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Dear all Wayne Children (yes Ms Kyle I’m including you here),

This letter is going to detail the newest addendum to the ‘Gala Rules’ you all choose to foolishly ignore. Please read and memorise them, I really do hate having to write these letters. Especially now the youngest of you is eighteen so you should all really know better. Remember these are both; for your own good, and so I have less to clean up. The rules also apply to any other members of your community along.

  1. Do not steal any items from the guests. I do not care if they are criminals or ‘had it coming because of how they treated you/one of the others’. There is a time and a place for revenge, a gala is not then.
  2. Acrobatics from chandeliers are, under no circumstances, allowed. It is too dangerous and often results in too many over-excited children wanting a go.
  3. Do NOT take children with you on your acrobatics on said chandeliers. You may all be experts in throwing yourselves around Gotham rooftops but they are not. It really is a pain to explain how you are able to do said activities with small children clutching your back. The excuse of you carrying your injured family back home that way is not
  4. Champagne and all other alcoholic beverages are limited to two (2) standard measures. Far too many of you get chatty when you drink too much.
  5. Master Bruce’s collection of champagne is not to be used to fill the swimming pool, or any other receptacle that is large enough for you to submerge your body in.
  6. Jumping from the balcony into said champagne filled pool is also hereby banned. Even if the pool is filled with water you do not need to jump into it during a gala.
  7. Any and all talk of the ‘Dead Robins Society’ is to be kept between its three members (and one honorary member) before or after the event. It is getting rather difficult to explain how two sons, a daughter, and daughter-in-law joke so much about themselves dying.
  8. If you are unable to be found after more than ten (10) minutes of searching another social event will be added to your calendar. For every subsequent five (5) minutes you are missing another event shall be added. Do not doubt my ability with this, we get enough invites through the post each month that it is possible to fill up your lives. The ONLY exception to this rule is something life threatening happening either; in Gotham proper, or in the event itself.
  9. When giving a speech please try to refrain from toasting your ‘real friends’. This causes more people to phone through and disrupt my duties the next day than you all realise. On top of that it is extremely rude, I do not care if it is your birthday party, the people have been invited for a reason (even if that reason is for subtle investigation for your night work).
  10. The chairs and sofas situated around the room are for sitting only. I do not want to find another one of you fast asleep on one again. It is most unbecoming.
  11. In relation to the above, please ensure you get enough sleep before the event so you are not consuming an unhealthy level of stimulants or falling asleep.

As always I await your apologies eagerly. It would be appropriate for you all to post one publically as well after the last debacle at Master Timothy’s birthday party. You may act however you wish in your own homes and the parties you throw there; at public events you should all know how to act by now. The list of rules really should not be approaching forty (40). I can only assume that this is why you are all unable to have an abundance of nice things in your own homes.

Yours,

Alfred.